MONTY PYTHON: Election Night/Lumberjack!
This is a rough transcript of the "Election Night Special" and "Lumberjack"
sketches from Monty Python (Drury Lane).
Compiled by Random of Amber.
GERALD (very fast): "Hello, good evening, and welcome to Election Night
Special. There's tremendous excitement here at the moment as we should be
getting the first results through any moment now. We're not quite sure
where the big (something) might be from Lester of from West Bitely. The
opponent has been quite heavy in Bo Derek's arm. I'm just kidding, I'm
just getting a buzzing noise in my left ear. UUUUUeeeueh. Ahem. And now
let's go straight over to Lester.
LESTER ANNOUNCER: "And it's a street fight here at Lester. And we're
expecting the result any moment now. There with the returning officer is
Arthur Smith, the Sensible candidate, and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrus
Titty, the Silly candidate, with his agent and his silly wife."
OTHER L. ANNOUNCER: "Ah-he-hem, There's the result for Lester: Arthur J.
Smith ("Sensible party"): 30,612. Jethro Q. Bonwacky Bozzits to Bonbood
Walrus Titty ("Silly party"): 33,108."
GERALD: "Well there you have it, the first results of the election there,
and the Silly party held Lester. Norman?"
NORMAN: "Well, pretty much as I predicted, except that the Silly party
won. I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Joe?"
JOE: "Well, there's a big swing here to the silly party; but how big a
swing I'm not going to tell you."
NORMAN: "I think I should point out that in this constituency since the
last election a lot of very silly people have moved into a new housing
estate with the result that many of the sensible voters have moved furthur
down the road the other side of, number, uh, uh, twenty nine."
GERALD: "Well, I can't add anything to that. Collin?"
COLLIN: "Can I just say that this is the first time I've been on tele-
GERALD: "No I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just going straight over to
LUTEN ANNCR: "Well here at Luten, it's a three-cornered contest between,
from left to right, Alan Jones, Sensible party, Tarquin Fintimlimbimlimbim-
whimbimlin Bus Stop Ftang Ftang Olay Biscuit Barrel, Silly party, and Kevin
Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the
ANNOUNCER: "Alan Jones ("Sensible"): 9,112. Kevin Phillips Bong
("Slightly Silly"): Naught. Tarquin Fintimlimbimlimbimwhinbimlin Bus Stop
Ftang Ftang Olay Biscuit Barrel ("Silly"): 12,441."
GERALD: "Well there you have it, the first results of the Election there
as the Silly party takes Luten. Norman?"
NORMAN: "Well this is a very significant result. Luten is normally a very
sensible constituency, and a high proportion of people who weren't a bit
silly have gone completely gaga."
GERALD: "And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with him the winning
Silly candidate at Luten."
JAMES GILBERT: "Tarquin, are you, uh, pleased with this result?"
TARQUIN: "Oh yes beyond belief, I should say so. (Pop, nweeet, eeeun,
GERALD: "Do we have the swing at Luten?"
GERALD: "Uh, right, well, I can't add anything to that. Collin?"
COLLIN: "Can I just say that this is the second time I've been on tele-
GERALD: "No I'm sorry, there isn't time, uh, we're just about to get
HARPERTON SE: "And this one is from Harperton South East. A very inter-
esting constituency this, in addition to the official Silly candidate,
there is an Unofficial VERY silly candidate in the slab of concrete. And
he could well split the Silly vote here at Harperton South East."
H.S.E. ANCR: "Mrs. Elsie ZZZZZzzzzzzzUT! ("Silly"): 26,317. Phillip Wal-
ter ("Sensible"): 26,318. Arthur Peter Brown Telescope Adrian Blackpool
Rock Stoat-Gobbler John Raw Vegetable (whwhwhwhwhuh) Norman Michael (ding
ding ding) (tweeet!) Edward (Honk, honk) 'Shubiddy shubiddy shubiddy' (low
honk) Thomas 'Oh, we'll keep a welcome in' (BANG!) Williams (rising whis-
tle) 'Rain-drops keep falling on my' (whing!) 'Don't sleep in the subway'
(Cuckoo cuckoo) nyeuueneuhuenhuh Smith ("very silly"): 2."
GERALD: "Well there you have it, a sensible gain there at Harperton with
the silly vote being split."
NORMAN: "And we've just heard from Luten that Tony Stratensworth has with
him there the unsuccessful slightly silly candidate Kevin Phillips Bong."
TONY S.: "Kevin Phillips Bong...you polled no votes at all. Not a
sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed with this performance?"
K.P.BONG: "Not at all. As I always say, 'Climb every mountain. Ford
every stream. Follow every byway, 'till you find your dream. (sings) A
dream that will last/for the love you can give/every day of your life/for
as long as you live! All together! CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN! Ford every
stream - FORD EVERY STREAM --"
GERALD: "Well there you have it, a very brave performance by Kevin
Phillips Bong there. Norman."
NORMAN: "Can I just say...I've just heard from Luten that my Aunt is ill.
Uh, possibly (medical term), possibly just catarrh. Gerald."
GERALD: "Right, uh, Collin?"
COLLIN: "Can I just say that he'll never appear on television again?"
GERALD: "No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we've got a big load of results
that you might have missed, a little pink pussy cat has taken Barrow in the
third nest. That's a gain for the Liberals there. Francis Odinga Odinga
has taken Wolverhampton SW, that's Eneth Powell's old constituency.
Important gain there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negis has held Bristol,
that's not a result, that's just a bit of gossip, Sir Alec Douglas Hume has
taken Olden for the Stone Dead Party. A small piece of putty about that
big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar, and two frogs one cold kipper and the
other one not have all gone 'nip nip, nip nip nip, nip nip' in Blackpool
Central. So it's beginning to look like a Silly landslide when the
prospect of five more years of Silly government facing us, we...oh, I don't
want to do this anymore. I'm bored." (Leaves)
TOM: "He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time." (him too.)
OTHERS LEAVE saying "Absolute waste" "mumble mumble" "Is that what you
always wanted to be, a cosmopolitan?"
Last one still there: "I...I never wanted to do this for a living
..I...I...I always...wanted to be...a LUMBERJACK! (dunt, dunt, dunt, dunt
music starts (from Snoopy Red Baron) Leaping from tree to tree! As they
float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The giant
(fliesh?)...the Redwoods...the mighty (sud spar?) With my best girl by my
side...we'd sing... sing...sing!
OH, I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day!
(HE'S A LUMBERJACK AND HE'S OKAY,
HE SLEEPS ALL NIGHT AND HE WORKS ALL DAY!)
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavo-try!
On Wednesdays I go shopping, and have buttered scones for tea!
(HE CUTS DOWN TREES, HE EATS HIS LUNCH, HE GOES TO THE LAVO-TRY!
ON WEDNESDAYS HE GOES SHOPPING, AND HAS BUTTERED SCONES FOR TEA!)
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers!
I put on women's clothing, and hang around in bars!
(HE CUTS DOWN TREES, HE SKIPS AND JUMPS, HE LIKES TO PRESS WILD FLOWERS!
HE PUTS ON WOMEN'S CLOTHING AND HANGS AROUND IN BARS! (in that last 'around
in bars' one person's voice rises incredulously))
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra!
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear poppar!
(HE CUTS DOWN TREES, HE WEARS HIGH HEELS, SUSPENDERS AND A BRA?!?! (cries
of derision, like "lousy faggot!"))
Piano: DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!!
OH, (chorus, together)
TOGETHER: I'm (HE'S) a lumberjack and he's O---KAY!!!
I (HE) sleeps all night and I (HE) works ALL...DAY!!!!!