101. Abie and Rosalie were courting. Rosalie's mother told her daughter that Abie must not

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101. Abie and Rosalie were courting. Rosalie's mother told her daughter that Abie must not touch her until they were wed. One night Abie said to Rosalie, "Dahlink, every night you kiss me good night and I can't touch you, won't you give me just one little peek-a-boo, please?" So, Rosalie lifted up her skirt, pulled her panties down and back up, and quickly lowered her skirt. Abie said to Rosalie,"Vot a vunder!" Rosalie blushed. This went on every night for a week. Rosalie would lift up her skirt and Abie would say, "Rosalie, vot a vunder!" Rosalie, shy, but obviously pleased would blush. After a week of it, Rosalie shyly asked Abie, "Every night, Abie, you ask, 'Rosalie, let me have a little peek-a-boo.' When I give you a little peek-a-boo, you say, 'Vot a vunder, Rosalie.' Why do you say that, Abie?" Abie answered: "Rosalie, vot a vunder your guts don't fall out!" 102. A Polish girl called up her druggist and asked him what she could do for her boyfriend's dandruff. The druggist recommended Head & Shoulders. She called back a week later and asked, "How do you give someone shoulders?" 103. Finally, Rosalie and Abie got married. Mama was worried. After all, this was her only daughter, and she was a virgin, and Mama knew what lustful, ravaging beasts men could be. So, Mama worked out a secret code with Rosalie. After the first night, Rosalie should send Mama a postcard with the secret code word on it and Mama would then know that Rosalie had not been ravaged. A few days after the wedding Mama became very worried - no card from Rosalie. Five days passed and no card. Mama told Papa how worried she was. Finally, after a week went by, Mama said to Papa, "What can we do, I'm so worried - no word from Rosalie." Papa told her not to worry. And, it so happens that on the eighth day, Mama received a postcard from Rosalie. Mama went screaming to Papa. "Papa, Papa, a card from Rosalie, and no secret word, something is wrong." She handed Papa the card. "Look what it says Papa - only one sentence - 'Such happiness'." Papa took the card from Mama and read it. "Oh, Mama, you're wrong. Rosalie is okay. See - she writes 'SUCH HA PENIS'." 104. Did you hear about the Polish girl who had two chances to get pregnant? She blew both of them. 105. After the excitement and the expense of Rosalie's wedding and after Mama bugging him about Rosalie's honeymoon, Papa got sick from exhaustion. The doctor told him he should take a nice vacation in Miami. He didn't know what to do, he didn't want to leave the business---someone had to run it. So Mama said Papa should take a three-month vacation by himself; Mama would run the business. So, Papa went off to Miami. After three months, it was time for him to come back. Mama met him at the airport. Papa got off the plane all tan and good looking and Mama was so happy to see him. But Mama noticed that Papa did not look happy. He looked healthy, but not happy. "Papa, Papa," she said, "vot's the matter? You don't look so happy?" Papa said, "Oh Mama, it's something terrible? Mama asked, "Vot's so terrible? You look healthy. You had a nice vacation. You got back home safely; vot's so terrible?" Papa looked miserable and said, "Oh, Mama, you'll never guess vot I got? I'm so sorry, Mama. I got a case of syphilis!" Mama shrugged her shoulders, "Don't vorry, Papa," she said, "I was getting very tired of dot Manishevitz, anyway." 106. Question: Did you hear that they isolated the cause of sickle-cell anemia? Answer: It's the glue on the back of food stamps! 107. Question: What do blacks use for jock itch? Answer: Black Flag. 108. Question: What is "Fi-fi-fo, fo-fo-fi-fo?" Answer: The mayor of Chicago's telephone number. 109. Question: How do you wipe out 250 black families at one time? Answer: Blow up a K-Mart. 110. Question: How do you circumcise a black? Answer: You use a jigsaw. 111. One day a kindergarten teacher decided to test her students on animal sounds. Calling on white little Mary, she asked, "Mary, what does a cow say?" "Moooo," answered Mary. "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Johnny, what does the sheep say?" "Baaaa, replied little white Johnny. Then the teacher asked little black LeRoy, "What does the pig say, LeRoy?" LeRoy thought for a minute, then said, "FREEZE, nigger!" 112. Question: What is the definition of a JAP (Jewish American Princess)? Answer: A girl who thinks cooking and fucking are two cities in China. 113. Three Jews are sitting on the beach in front of the Palm Beach Hilton talking about the trouble they're having with their respective businesses. Says Leonard, "I lost almost $50,000 when my store burned down, but thank God the furs were insured." Bernie says, "That's nothing. I lost $200,000 when my tailor shop was destroyed in that big flood, but I also, thank God, was insured." Then, Chaim pipes up, "So how do you start a flood?" 114. Question: What is the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? Answer: White fairy tales start out, "Once upon a time," and black fairy tales start out, "You motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit, but...." 115. Question: What was Roman Polanski's latest movie? Answer: "Close Encounters with the Third Grade." 116. The new substitute teacher was introducing herself to the class. "My name is Miss Prussy. That's like pussycat only with an 'r'." The next morning, she began class by asking if anyone remembered her name. Little Johnny's hand shot up from the third row. "Yes," he proudly exclaimed, "You're Miss Crunt." 117. Question: Did you hear about the two sailors and the nurse who were stranded together on a desert island? Answer: After three months, the nurse was so disgusted with what she was doing that she killed herself. Then, after three more months, the sailors were so disgusted with what they were doing, they buried her. 118. Question: What's the difference between a young whore and an old whore? Answer: A young whore uses Vaseline and an old whore uses Poli-Grip. 119. Question: How many animals can you find in a pair of pantyhose? Answer: Two calves; ten little piggies; one ass; one pussy; one thousand hares; maybe some crabs; and a dead fish nobody can find. 120. Question: What is the difference between heroes and AIDS? Answer: One's a love story and the other's a fairy tale. 121. There is a young woman who, instead of disposing her tampons normally, throws them into her closet. One day, she is entertaining her lover when she hears the front door open. She quickly hides him in the closet and locks the door. It's her husband surprising her with two tickets for a weekend in Hawaii. On Monday, she waits till her husband has gone off to work and finally opens the closet door, expecting the worse. But he is in fine shape and says cheerfully, "Hell, if it weren't for all those jelly doughnuts you had in there, I never would have made it!" 122. Question: What does the blinking neon sign above Joe's 24- hour Abortion Clinic say? Answer: YOU RAPE'EM, WE SCAPE'EM. NO FETUS CAN BEAT US. 123. Two old bums are walking along the railroad tracks, starving, because they haven't eaten in three days. Coming across a dead, mangled cat, the first bum says, "Oh, boy--- lunch!" He digs in, stopping only to ask his friend if he wants some. "No, thanks, I think I'll pass" is the answer. So the first bum devours the whole cat, leaving nothing behind but fur and bones, and they continue their walk down the tracks. About a mile later, the first bum turns green and throws up the whole cat. All excited, his companion says happily, "That's what I've been waiting for---a hot lunch!" 124. Question: Why should you wrap a hamster in electrician's tape? Answer: So it won't explode when you fuck it. 125. Georgia politician: "I have nothing against blacks; I think everyone should own one." 126. Question: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Answer: Full. 127. A fourteen-year-old boy from Bainbridge, Georgia, was making love to his twelve-year-old sister. "Geez, Sis," he breathlessly said, "you're almost as good as Maw!" "Yeah," she gasps back, "that's what Paw said." 128. There was once a seventy-seven-year-old spinster who detected something nasty going on in her nether regions and, somewhat embarrassed, went to the doctor for tests. Sure enough, the doctor produced a diagnosis of crabs. "That's quite impossible," gasped the old woman. "I am sevety-seven and a virgin." Deciding to get a second opinion, she had another doctor do a checkup, but he only confirmed the unfortunate diagnosis. "How can that be?" she stammered, "In seventy-seven years, no man has ever touched me." Off she went to the hospital for an enormous battery of tests. Eventually a young doctor came into her room and announced that he had some good news and some bad news. "Give me the good news first," asked the old woman. "The good news is, you don't have crabs," said the doctor. "The bad news is, your cherry has rotted and you have fruit flies." 129. Little Joey wins a big bag of M & M's at the carnival and runs home to show his mom. He begs for some and his mother gives him two. Joey pops them into his mouth, runs outside, bites the cat, and jumps on his tricycle to zoom around the house. Coming to a screeching halt in front, he runs inside, grabs two more M & M's, pops them in his mouth, runs outside, bites the cat, and races around the house on his tricycle. This repeated a few more times until his mother asks him what in heaven's name he is up to. "I'm playing truck driver, Mom," he explains. "I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell." 130. Two old ladies are sitting in their rocking chairs at the nursing home, reminiscing. One turns to the other and says, "Mildred, do you remember the minuet?" "Good lordy, no," Mildred replied, "I can't even remember the ones I screwed." 131. In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the men surveyed responded that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18 percent of those that responded revealed that they had been sucked into it. 132. Did you hear about Jesus Christ walking into a hotel in Galilee, slapping three nails down on the desk, and asking, "Could you put me up for the night?" 133. Question: What do nuns and Seven-Up have in common? Answer: Never had it, never will. 134. Question: What do you call a gay nun? Answer: A transistor. 135. Question: Why does it take two gay men to rape a girl? Answer: One holds her down while the other does her hair. 136.A retired schoolteacher finally realized she was tired of living alone and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought, she decided to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed an excellent idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, and said, "Say 'Pretty Boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say 'Pretty boy......pretty boy.'" At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on its perch and said, "Now let's hear: 'Pretty boy...pretty boy.'" "For Christ's sake, lady, lay off?" said the parrot. Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes in the freezer," and slammed the door shut on him. Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, the parrot squawks, "My God, you must have told the old bitch to go fuck herself!" 137. Question: Why is life like a penis? Answer: Because when it's soft it's hard to beat, but when it's hard you get screwed. 138. A man was strolling on the beach one day when he came across a lamp lying in the sand. He picked it up and rubbed it. Sure enough, a genie popped out. "I will grant you your one true desire," boomed the huge genie. "Wow, that's fantastic!" exclaimed the man. "All my life I wanted a cock so big that it would touch the ground." So, poof, the genie cut the man's legs off. 139. Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night, so he decided to talk it over with his friend, Fred, who was quite a man about town - a true cocksman. "Relax, Bob," counseled Fred. "You grew up on a farm; so do like the dogs do." After the honeymoon was over and the couple returned to town, the new bride stormed over to her mother's house and announced that she was never going to live with Bob again. "He's totally disgusting," she wailed to her mother. Her mother asked what the problem was, and just what it was he did that was so disgusting. The bride blushed and refused to tell, but finally gave in. "Ma, he doesn't know how to make love. All he does is keep smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!" 140. A salesman who is on the road is staying in a futuristic motel. He has an important sales call the next morning, and realizing he needs a trim, he calls the desk clerk to inquire whether there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk said, " but down the hall there is a bank of vending machines and one will give you a haircut." Thoroughly intrigued, the salesman finds the machine, inserts fifty cents, and sticks his head in the opening. The machine starts buzzing and whirring. Fifteen seconds later he pulls out his head and discovers he's just got the best haircut he has ever received. Two feet away is another machine that says MANICURES 50 cents, and the salesman thinks, "Why not?" So he pays the money, inserts his hands into the slot, and out they come with a terrific manicure.. The next machine has a big sign: THIS MACHINE DOES WHAT MEN NEED MOST WHEN AWAY FROM THEIR WIVES. The salesman looks both ways, unzips his fly, inserts his cock, and puts in the fifty cents. The machine buzzes away as the guy screams in excruciating pain. Fifteen seconds later it stops. He pulls out his cock with trembling hands, and stares at the button sewed to the tip. 141. Two business partners, both married, were taking turns having intercourse with (screwing) their attractive secretary. As a result of such frequent screwing, the young lady became pregnant. One partner, congratulating the other said, "Ruthie had twins. Unfortunately, mine died!" 142. Q: What is Waldheimer's Disease? A: A condition where, as the patient grows older, he forgets that he was a Nazi. 143. Q: Did you hear about Helen Keller's new book? A: It's called "Around the Block in Eighty Days". 144. Q: did you hear about the Iatollah Khomaney doll? A: Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage. 145. Q: What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? A: Popeye almost killed him. 146. Q: What will it take to reunite the Beatles? A: Three more bullets. 147. Q: Why can't you go the bathroom at a Beatle's concert? A: There's no John. 148. Q: What's worse than being pissed off? A: Being pissed on. 149: Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs 150. Q: Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow? A: Her dog's blind too. 151. Q: What did Spock find in the commode? A: The captain's log. 152. Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the ceiling? A: To boldy go where no man has gone before. 153. Q: What do the U.S.S. Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus in search of Klingons. 154. Q: What is Imelda Marcos' favorite song? A: Walk a Mile in My Shoes 155. Q: Hear about the Helen Keller doll? A: Wind it up and it walks into walls. 156. Q: What's transparent and lies in the gutter? A: A Pakistani with the shit kicked out of him! 157. Q: What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. 158. Q: Did you hear about the Pole who picked his nose apart to see what made it run? 159. Q: What do you get an eighty year old woman for birthday? A: Mikey. He'll eat anything. 160. Q: What's the difference between a midget con-artist and a woman with herpes? A: One is a cunning runt. 161. Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to hold the bulb and four to get so drunk it makes the room spin. 162. Q: What's the difference between a rubber and a coffin? A: One is to come in and one is to go in. 163. Q: What has a thousand teeth and eats weenies? A: A zipper. 164. Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche in vinegar and oil? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork. 165. Q: What do you call a pretty girl in Poland? A: A tourist! 166. Did you hear the story of how Tarzan got his famous yell? One day, a group of savages kidnapped Jane and took her to their village. They immediately started to rape her. Tarzan, not being far behind, grabbed onto a vine and swung down. He yelled, "Grab the vine, Jane!!! No, the vine!! No..the vine...the VINE!!!!Ahhayehhhaehhh!!!" 167. Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree? A: Wave at him! 168. Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who is skiing? A: Skip 169. Q: Same man in a pool? A: Bob 170. Q: On the wall? A: Art 171. Q: Same guy on the floor? A: Matt 172. Q: How many punk-rockers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick out the chair from under the first. 173. Q: What kind of wood doesn't float? A: Natalie Wood 174. Q: How did they know that Victor Morrow had dandruff? A: They found his head and shoulders in the bushes. 175. Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm? A: She tried to read a stop sign doing fifty! 176. Q: How can you avoid getting AIDS? A: Sit down and shut your mouth. 177. Q: What is the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker, and a prostitute with diarrhea? A: The shucker shucks between fits! 178. Q: What is the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub? A: The nun has hope in her soul! 179. HUSBAND: Honey, if I died, would you get married again? WIFE: Probably. HUSBAND: Would you kiss this other guy? Would you cook for the guy? WIFE: Probably, honey. HUSBAND: Would you sleep with him? WIFE: Most likely. He would be my husband, you know. HUSBAND: Would he have blond hair like me? WIFE: No, he has black hair. 180. Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor? A: Mike got burned on Pepsi, Rich got burned on coke!!! 181. Did you hear about the guy that was snortin nutrasweet? Thought is was diet coke!!! 182. Did you hear the one about the Polack who took home his gold medal and had it bronzed? 183. One day, policeman was sitting at his desk when the phone rang. Answering it, he was confronted by a Polish man who claimed he was locked out of his car. "OK, sir, if I can have your location, someone will be there in a short while," the policeman said. The Polack gave him his address. "And please hurry," he added. "My family might starve to death in there if you don't get here soon." 184. What is the grey stuff between an elephant's toes? Slow- running natives. 185. There were once a pair of Irish potatoes, in fact, they were the king and princess of all Ireland. Well, times were hard in Ireland, so they moved to the United States, land of prospects. Not long after they had moved here, his daughter (named Boo-Boo) disappeared. for three days, the king searched for her, with the help of the Potato Police. After three days of fruitless (or vegetableless searching) she showed up starstruck. "Where have you been?" the king screamed. "I'm in love," crooned the princess. "With whom?" he responded. "Walter Cronkite!!!" "No!" he cried. "How could you. He's just a commontater!!!!!" 186. How are bosses like diapers?? They're full of shit and always on your ass. 187. The hooker in Kiev are into some kinky stuff these days...glow jobs. 188. Once upon a time, a Rabbi and a Priest were discussing life, the universe, and everything. They eventually got to discussing the relative merits of their positions. The priest asked the Rabbi, "What do you do next?" The Rabbi looked and asked, "what do you mean?" The priest responded by saying, "What do you become after a Rabbi? Are there any promotions?" The Rabbi thought and said, "One a Rabbi always a Rabbi. What more is there to life?" The Rabbi then asked, "What about you?" The priest mentioned that he could eventually become a bishop. "What after that?" The priest stammered, "WELL, if I was really lucky, I suppose I could become a cardinal!. I don't expect that though." "What after that?" asked the Rabbi. "WELL, the Pope would be next, but after all there is only one Pope. I could never be the one that was Pope, I don't think." The Rabbi then asked, "What after that? Can you get promoted after that?" The priest looked at the Rabbi, and said, "Who do you think I am, Jesus Christ?" The Rabbi then responded with "WELL you know one of our boys made it." 188. Back in the old west there was this chief who come to town. They were having a show in town and they had a ventriloquist. The ventriloquist saw the chief and decided to play a trick on the old chief. The chief came up to the stand and the ventriloquist said, "That's a nice horse you have there." The chief says "Good horse." "Does he talk?" Stoically the chief says, "Horse no talk." The ventriloquist looks at the horse and says, "How's the chief treating you? Everything going alright?" The horse ( really the ventriloquist, obviously) says, "Well the chief has been putting on a little weight lately, but all in all he treats me pretty well." The chief, never having heard his horse talk, is surprised. The ventriloquist says to the chief, "That your dog there? Good looking dog." Chief says, "Good dog." Does the dog know how to talk, too?" The chief says, "Dog no talk." The ventriloquist looking at the dog says, "How is the chief treating you?" "Pretty good. I have to eat a lot of dust from the horse and the chief, but I get fed regularly and chief doesn't beat me." The startled chief eyes the dog suspiciously. The ventriloquist looks at this sheep with the chief. "That your sheep?" "Sheep LIES!", exclaims the chief. A Mexican dog, an American dog, a Polish dog and Russian dog all got together for a chat one day. The Mexican dog started complaining: "Since this economic recession, things have been really terrible for me. I used to have a servant bring me meat at set hours. Now I have to bark until the meat comes!" The American dog said, "You still have servants in Mexico?" The Polish dog asked, "What is meat?" The Russian dog, astounded, said, "They allow you to bark?" 189. Reagen, Gorbachev, and Marcos are on a plane that's about to crash... There is only one parachute... Reagan says I should get the parachute cuz I'm the leader of the free world, Gorbachev says I should get, and Marcos says, "Let's vote." So they vote, and Marcos wins 15 - 2 .... 190. A man went to a medium and asked if there were any golf courses in heaven. The medium unveiled a crystal ball, put her hands on it, and meditated for a few minutes. "Well?" the impatient man finally asked. "I'm getting a strong message," the medium said. "I've got some good news and some bad news." "What's the good news?", the man asked. "There's a championship quality course in heaven, more challenging than any course in this world," she replied. "Great!", the golfer said. "What's the bad news?" "You tee off on that course tomorrow at 8:00 a.m." How does a man know he's getting old? When it takes him all night to do what he used to do all night. 191. A drunk wandered down the street looking for a whore house. But he stumbled into a podiatrist's office by mistake. When he walked in, the nurse told him to go behind a curtain and put it through the hole. He did as he was told. The nurse screamed, "That's not a foot!" The drunk yelled back, "I didn't know there was a minimum!!!" 192. This girl walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says Anheisher Busch, and she says just fine.... 193. My great uncle was working in Arizona back in the 1930s on the RURAL ELECTRIFICATION PROJECT. He used to wire up the Navajo outhouses so they could read their catalogs at night... Guess he was one of the first men on earth to WIRE A HEAD FOR A RESERVATION. 194. Q: Why was the gay guy fired from the sperm bank? A: Because he was caught drinking on the job. 195. One day a man was sunbathing in the nude on St. George Island when he noticed a little girl staring down at him, so he put a newspaper over his private parts. The little girl asked him what that was under the newspaper. He explained that it was his bird and that he kept it there so it wouldn't fly away. The little girl seemed satisfied with that answer and walked away. The man fell asleep in he warm sun, and when he woke up, he found himself in a hospital bed. "What happened?" he asked. The same little girl stepped up to his bed and sid, "I guess its my fault, mister. While you were sleeping I played with your bird. But after awhile it spit at me, so I broke its neck, crushed its eggs, and set its nest on fire." 196. A farmer in Bainbridge, Georgia was out looking over his soybean field when a bus full of blacks rounded a corner on the red clay road too fast and rolled over on its side. Losing no time, the farmer ran back to the barn for his pick and shovel, and started burying the bus. Just as he finished up the job, the county sheriff arrived on the scene. "Say, didn't a bus fulla niggers just go off the road around here?" "Yep," replied the farmer. "Well, where'd they get to?" "I buried 'em," the farmer answered. "Gee," the sheriff said, "Were they all dead?" The farmer looked the sheriff straight in the eye and said, "Well, some of 'em said they wasn't, but you know how niggers lie!" 197. Q: Why can't black folks celebrate Thanksgiving? A: Kentucky Fried Chicken isn't open on holidays. 198. Secretary: "May I use your dictaphone?" Polish boss: "No. Use your finger like everyone else!" 199. Little Leroy was playing on the back porch one day when he found a can of white paint. He opened the can, painted his face and hands with it, and ran into the kitchen. "Look, Ma, I'm a white boy now!" he shouted very proudly. "Goddamn, Leroy, yo' is black as the ace of spades and don't yo' fo'get it! Now, go wash the paint off before someone sees you." Crestfallen, Leroy went looking for his father. He found him on the front porch. "Look, Daddy, I"m a white boy now!" "Goddamn, boy," his father yelled, "Yo' stupid or what? Go wash that crap off befo' I take my belt to yo' behind!" "You know, dad," said Leroy, "I've only been whit for five minutes or so, and already a'hm beginning to hate yo' niggers" 200. Q: What's the difference between rude and crude? A: "Rude" is when you throw your underwear against the wall. "Crude" is when it sticks.


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