1. Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case. +quot;

---
Master Index Current Directory Index Go to SkepticTank Go to Human Rights activist Keith Henson Go to Scientology cult

Skeptic Tank!

1. Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case. "Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent," proclaimed the judge. "But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!" 2. A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean as the pilot is finishing an announcement on the intercom. Putting the mike down, he hits the Off switch. Unbeknownst to him, the switch is malfunctioning and his conversation is broadcast into the passenger area. "Take over for awhile, Dave," the pilot says to his co- pilot. "I think I'll go take a shit and then bang that new stewardess." At this statement the passengers fly into a frenzy of conversation and gossip. The stewardess is greatly embarassed and can no longer stay at her post, so she hurries toward the cockpit. But in her haste she trips and falls to her knees in the aisle. She happens to land next to a sweet little old lady, who turns to help her up. As she does, the lady says sweetly, "Don't rush, dearie; he said he had to take a shit first." 3. What did one congressman say to the other congressman? What page are you on. 4. A man ran into his doctor's office one day, all excited. The nurse asked him what was wrong. "I have something wrong with my pecker," replied the man. The nurse told him he couldn't enter the office yelling things about his private parts, and requested that he go outside, enter the office again, and say he had something wrong with, say, his ear. The patient went outside and returned. "I have something wrong with my ear." "And what exactly is wrong with you ear?" asked the nurse. "I can't piss out of it," came the man's reply. 5. Do you believe in reincarnation? I do. Do you want to know why? It's because I want to become an egg in my next life. That way I'll get laid every morning, get eaten everyday, and get hard in three minutes. 6. A man who is having gas problems explains to his doctor that every time he farts it sounds like honda. The doctor does an examination and finds nothing wrong with the man. As a last resort he looks into the patient's mouth and finally spots the problem. "I'm sorry, you'll have to go to a dentist for your problem." So the man goes to see his dentist. After a quick exam, the dentist announces that the man has an abscess. "No problem, I'll have you fit and without your embarrassing problem in a jiffy," says the dentist. Sure enough, the man's problem disappears and he no longer makes farts that sound like a honda. The next week the man calls up the dentist and thanks him for all he's done for him. But before he hangs up he asks the dentist how he knew the problem was caused by an abscess. The dentist replies, "It's easy. Everyone knows that an abscess makes the fart go honda. 7. Superman is on his way to a large reunion of superheroes being held in Miami Beach. He arrives two hours late; his clothes are a mess and he has definitely been in a fight. As he approaches his table, his good friend Batman yells, "Hey, Man of Steel, what happened to you?" "Well, this is gonna sound crazy, but I was zipping along the coastline, making great time, when suddenly I look down and there, lying naked on the Jacksonville beach, was Wonder Woman!" "Wow!" says Robin. "What did you do?" "What do you think I did, kid? Her legs were spread, so I figured I was in like Flynn. I dove down like an eagle and jumped her bones!" "Boy, I bet she was surprised," said Batman. Superman smiles weakly and says, "Yeah, she was; but not as surprised as the Invisible Man was." 8. President Reagan, after playing a round of golf at a Washington, D.C., country club, was taking a shower in the locker room. Reagan looked over at the guy next to him and realized it was Bubba Smith, the huge NFL football player. As they started to talk, Reagan couldn't help but notice the enormous size of Bubba's member. "Bubba, you just got to tell me the secret of how you got such a big pecker," beseeched the president. Bubba was a little embarrassed but told the president, "Well, Reagan, I really haven't done all that much to get it that way, except ever since I was a little boy, every night before I went to bed, I'd walk over to the bedpost with it in my hand. Then I'd give it three good raps on the bedpost." "That's really interesting, Bubba," said Reagan, "I think I will give it a try sometime." That night when Reagan was about to get undressed for bed he remembered what Bubba had said. Nancy was already asleep, so he didn't feel too ashamed as he stepped before the bedpost with his dong in his hand. Determined to give it a try, the president smacked his penis against the bedpost three times. Half awake, Nancy sat up in bed and said, "Is that you, Bubba?" 9. Do you know why blacks and Chinese persons don't intermarry? Because they're afraid their kids would be called chiggers! 10. A black man died and started walking to heaven. In front of him, the road split. One sign read "Straight to Heaven;" the other said "Straight To Purgatory." He strolled right up the road, "Straight to Heaven," to the Pearly Gates. "Just a minute!" said Saint Peter. "You have to have done something pretty special to go straight to heaven. What have you done?" "I married a white woman on the courthouse steps in Bain- bridge, Georgia," the black man proudly replied. "That is pretty special," agreed Saint Peter. "When did you do that?" "Oh, about three minutes ago!" 11. Dracula goes to Rome and checks into the Grand Italia Hotel. The bellhop, after bringing in his coffin, asks if there is anything he can do for him. Dracula says, "Yes, there is," and lunges for the boy's throat. After draining the blood from him, Dracula throws the bellhop's lifeless body out his bedroom window. The body lands on a policeman stationed in front of the hotel. The impact sends the policeman sprawling to the ground. Meanwhile, Dracula still has not satisfied his bloodlust, so he goes into the hotel's hallway and grabs a chambermaid. When finished with her, he throws her drained body out the same window. This body, too, lands on the unfortunate policeman, who has just managed to dust himself off after the first assault. This time, however, he was knocked cold. A half hour later the police commissioner arrives on the scene and manages to get the unconscious officer back to his senses. "Officer Vetillo, can you explain what is going on here?" the commissioner asks as he looks at the dead drained bodies on the ground. "I don't honestly know, sir. All I know is that drained wops keep falling on my head." 12. A nun went to her mother superior to complain about the language the construction workers, who were working next to the convent, were using. Sister Margaret was Polish, so the mother superior was used to breaking things down and making the simplest of explanations to her. "Sister Margaret, don't get so upset by their bad language. Those men are just people of the earth. They call a spade a spade," the mother superior explained patiently. Still agitated, Sister Margaret replied, "Oh no they don't, Mother. They call it a fuckin' shovel!" 13. Former Presidents Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Jack Kennedy were on a boat sailing around Cape Cod, when all of a sudden the boat springs a leak and water starts pouring in. Jimmy Carter cries, "Women and children first, women and children first!" Nixon scowls and says, "Fuck the women and children." Jack Kennedy says, "Is there time?" 14. What do you get when you cross a whore and a computer? A fucking know-it-all! 15. What's a Polish cocktail? A glass of water with a booger in it. 16. A Polish girl was stopped for speeding and hauled down to the police station. The desk sergeant stood up, unzipped his fly, and the girl cried out, "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!" 17. First Jew: "Do you like pussy cats?" Second Jew: "Yes, I do, but Pussy Cohen is okay too!" 18. A man went into a bar after work one day, and after a beer or two, he noticed a man passed out in the corner. After an hour or so, the fellow was still very drunk and incoherent, so, being a nice guy, the first man decided to take him home. He looked up the drunk's name and address in his wallet, then started struggling to get the man out to his car. Dragging, heaving, and finally carrying the man, he finally reached his car; then the process had to be repeated in front of the drunk's house. At last, the nice guy got the man up to the door of the house and rang the bell, which was promptly opened by a pleasant-looking woman. "Oh. thank you so much for bringing him home," she said, "But, where's his wheelchair?" 19. "Daddy, what are those two dogs doing to each other?" "Uhh...one's sick and the other one's pushing him to the hospital!" 20. A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father, I've had an affair with another woman." "I see," says the priest, looking very grave. "But, I cannot grant you absolution until you tell me who she is." "Well, okay, Father," says the guy somewhat reluctantly. "Her name is Pussy Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout." The following Sunday, this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and finally asks the altar boy, "Son, is that Pussy Green?" The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, "No, Father, I think that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows." 21. A newlywed couple checked into a quiet, out-of-the way lakeside hotel. The clerk and the bellhop tip broad winks at each other, smiling in anticipation of the honeymoon antics to come. But lo and behold, in the middle of the newlywed's first night, who but the groom tromps down the stairs fully laden with his fishing gear! The manager can't believe it. This happens again on the second night and again on the third night. The manager can contain his curiousity no longer. "Your fishing in the middle of the night on your honeymoon? Why aren't you making love to your new wife?" The groom looked bewildered when he first heard the question from the motel manager. "Make love to her? Oh no, I couldn't do that. She's got gonorrhea." Embarassed silence. Oh. Well, what about anal sex?" the manager asked. "Oh no, I couldn't do that. She's got diarrhea!" "I see," the manager said. "Well, there is always oral sex." "Oh no. She's got pyorrhea as well!" "Gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea! Why, may I ask, did you marry her?" "Because she also has worms and I just love to fish!" 22. Did you hear about the Polack who was asked if he would like to become a Jehovah Witness said no because he had not seen the accident! 23. Did you hear about the Polish girl who thought that a sanitary belt was a drink out of a clean shot glass? 24. Did you hear about the Polack who thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease? 25. Did you hear about the two Polacks who were hunting deer and other wild game in the north woods when they came upon a naked woman sitting on a stump? One said to her, are you game? She smiled and said she was; so, the other Polack shot her! 26. What is purple, orange, green, red, and blue? A well dressed Polack going to church! 27. Do you know what a gynecologist is? A spreader of old wives' tails. 28. A black man and Czechoslovakian went hunting one weekend when they were attacked by a bear before they could get a shot fired. The black man ran to get help from the ranger while the bear ate the Czeck. When the ranger and the black man returned to the site they found the Czeck to have been completely eaten and two bears roaming around. The ranger asked the black man "Which bear ate the Czeck?" The black man pointed to the male bear. The ranger took out his gun and shot the bear. Then he quickly cut open the bear hoping to find the Czeck still alive. However, the male bear was empty. The ranger stepped backward and laughed. "I should have known," he muttered to himself, "You can't trust a black man that says the Czeck is in the male!" 29. The young man had invited his parents to meet his fiancee over cocktails at the Plaza Hotel in New York. After his family had departed, the girl wanted to know what kind of impression she'd made. "I'm sorry to tell you this, dear," the young man said. "But while you were in the ladies' room, my mother told me that she considered you rather uncouth." "Did you tell them I graduated from finishing school and from Bennington?" "Yes." "Did you tell them my family enjoys the highest social standing in Southampton?" "I certainly did, dear." "Then what the fuck is all this uncouth shit about?" the girl demanded to know. 30. What are three things you can't give to a black man? Answer: a black eye, a fat lip, and a job. 31. The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, With whom?" "With you," he said. "But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber." 32. What's a practical nurse? Answer: One who marries a wealthy old patient. 33. What's yellow and green and eats nuts? Answer: Gonorrhea! 34. Did you hear about the war movie with the all black cast? It's called " A Pack of Lips Now." 35. The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her." The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill. "It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed with my daughter," the farmer said. "Your daughter was very cold,." the salesman said. "Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today." 36. The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to come with him to his room. There, he placed his arm around. "Did the young man do this to you?" he asked. "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied. "Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her. "Did he do this?" "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said. "Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and fingered her pussy. "Yes, Father, and worse." By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked, "Did he manage to do this?" "Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl. When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked, "He did this too, and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?" "Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me gonorrhea." 37. The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten- dollar bill and two one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. He thought to himself, "I'd better keep an eye on Michael." The next week he noticed the same thing. So he waited outside the church when mass was over, and as Michael came out, he accosted him and said, "Michael, my lad, tell me, why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two one-dollar bills two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I needed a blow job." The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do that any more. I'll be watching you from now on." When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, you've been such a good friend of mine, I have a question for you. What is a blow job?" Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, about twelve dollars." 38. An elephant was having an awful time in the jungle because a horsefly kept biting her near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it. She kept swinging her trunk, but he was far out of reach. She tried blowing dust at it but that did no good either. A little male sparrow observed this and suddenly flew down and snipped the horsefly in half with he beak. "Oh, thank you!" said the elephant. "That was such relief." "My pleasure, ma'am," said the sparrow. "Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask." The sparrow hesitated. "Well, ma'am---" he said. "What is it," said the elephant. "You need't be shy with me." "Well," said the sparrow, "the truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant." "Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!" The sparrow flew around behind the elephant, landed on her pussy, and began to fuck away. Up above them, a monkey in the tree watched and began to get very excited. He started to masturbate. This shook a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant smack on the head. "Ouch!" said the elephant. At which point, the sparrow looked up and yelled at the elephant, "What's the matter, babe? Am I hurting you?" 39. The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What---did- --you---say---?" The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! That's wonderful, dear. And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant." 40. An inexperienced young Polish man, prior to his wedding, asked his father what he should do to his wife on their wedding night. "Well," said the Polish father, not knowing really how to say it delicately, "you take the thing you used to play with more than anything else when you were a teenager and put it where your wife wee-wees." "Really, dad?" the young Polack said. "Believe me, son," his father responded, "you'll love it." So on his wedding night, the young man took his baseball and threw it in the toilet. 41. This seedy looking girl walked into a seedy looking bar. A couple of seedy looking customers stood at the other end. "Gimme a Rheingold," she said. She took the glass of beer and swallowed it with one gulp. Then she fell to the floor in a dead faint. "Come, give me a hand," the bartender called to the two seedy looking customers. The two men helped the bartender carry her into the back room and laid her on the bed. One of the seedy men glanced around and said, "Listen. Nobody'll know. How about we all give her a quick fuck?" They did just that. An hour or so later, she came to and said, "Where am I? What time is it? I've got to get home." And out she went. Next afternoon, there were six men hanging around the bar when the same girl came in, walked up to the bartender and said, "Gimme a Rheingold." She drank it down in one gulp and then fell to the floor in a dead faint. The men carried her to the back room and the fucking performance was repeated, except that now there were seven, including the bartender. The next day when she came in, there were twenty-four men, all waiting around. "Gimme a Rheingold," she said. She swallowed it in one gulp, fell to the floor in a dead faint, and was carried to the back room, where all twenty-four men fucked her. When she arrived on the fourth day, the word had really gotten around, and there were more than seventy seedy men in the bar, waiting eagerly with lustful eyes and eager cocks. As she walked up to the bar on this fourth day, the bartender pushed a glass of beer toward her. "You want your Rheingold, Miss?" he said. "No," she said. "You better give me a Schlitz. That Rheingold makes my pussy hurt." 42. Question: What has eight legs and goes "Ho dee dough," "Ho dee dough?" Answer: Four blacks running toward an elevator. 43. "What is your dog's name?" "I call my dog "herpes." "Herpes?" "Yeah. He won't heal, either!" 44. Question: What's 3 two-letter words that mean small? Answer: "Is it in?" 45. Question: What is a ski jump? Answer: A Polish whore. 46. While baking a cake one day, a Polish mother was asked by her little boy if he could lick the bowl. The mother said, "No, flush it like everyone else does." 47. Did you hear the Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor have founded a new charity? No. What is the name of it? They are calling it "The Ignited Negro College Fund!" 48. Question: What do you say to a Puerto Rican dressed in a three- piece suit? Answer: Will the defendant please rise?" 49. What did God say when he created the first black man? Ans: "Oops, burned this one!" 50. Two guys were talking at a bar about what they did for a living. One said, "I got this job in a circus where I have to clean up the elephant. You know, hose him down three times a day, clean up his shit all day long, etc. The smell of that shit--phew! Its so bad, it really gets me down sometimes." His companion said, "Well, if you can't stand the smell and the rest of the work, why don't you quit?" "What?" said the outraged first man. "And leave show business?" 51. What's protein? Ans: That's a girl who's too young to fuck. 52. Three very old women were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came up, pulled his raincoat open and exposed his erect penis to them. The first old woman had a stroke; the second old woman had a stroke; but the third old woman's arms were too short to reach! 53. Question: Who killed more indians than General Custer? Answer: Union Carbide. 54. Sally arrived home from her date on a cloud. She tossed her coat over a chair, her purse over the banister; she threw the rest of her clothing around her bedroom with abandon. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked if she had had a good time. "Oh," she sighed, "I had a wonderful time!" "I guess so," her mother remarked. "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling." 55. Question: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? Answer: A twelve-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone. 56. Question: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? Answer: A piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. 57. A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. "Do you do custom work?" she asks the artist. "Why of course!" "Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh. And I want them both looking at my pussy." "No problem," says the artist. "Strip from the waist down and get up on the table." After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. "That doesn't look like them!" she complains loudly. "Oh yes it does," the artist says indignantly, "and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. "Well, what do you think?" the woman asks, spreading her legs apart. "Do you know who these men are?" The drunks studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says, "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!" 58. Question: Why did the black man wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy? Answer: If he was going to be impotent, he wanted to look impotent. 59. Question: What is long and hard on a black man? Answer: Second grade. 60. Question: How do you get a black man out of a tree in Georgia? Answer: Cut the rope. 61. Question: What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? Answer: The wheelchair. 62. Question: Why do female paratroopers wear jockstraps? Answer: So they don't whistle on the way down. 63. Question: Why do bald men have holes in their pockets? Answer: Because they like to run their hand through their hair. 64. Question: If a man has a 10 inch cock growing out of the top of his head, how much of it can he see? Answer: He can't see any of it because his two balls are hanging in his eyes. 65. Question: Why do farts smell? Answer: The Lord put a smell in them so the deaf could enjoy them, too. 66. Question: Why do men like big tits and tight pussys? Answer: Because they have big mouths and little penises. 67. A flight of bees were heading south for the winter and one wanted to make a pit stop at an ESSO station. The flight refused to rest and the lone bee zoomed off. The moral of this story is that there is an ESSO bee in every crowd. 68. "Have you ever thought of getting married?" Harry asked his friend Tom. "Yeah. A couple of times," Tom replied. "Well, what happened?" "The rabbits got better!" 69. President Reagan was flying back to the U.S. after special talks with Cuban leaders. As his helicopter passed over the Florida Everglades, he spotted two white men in a speedboat dragging a black man behind them on a long rope. Reagan asked the pilot to bring the chopper down along side the boat. Once in hearing range, Reagan turned on the microphone and yelled, "I sure do think it's wonderful of you two boys to take a black man water-skiing. It's refreshing to see that there isn't any prejudice in Florida." As the helicopter flew off, one of the redneck boaters turned to the other and said, "He may be president of the whole fucking country, but he sure don't know shit about huntin' alligators." 70. Did you see the two blacks on "That's Incredible?" One had a job and the other knew who his father was! 71. The doctor went into his patient's room and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want to hear first?" "The bad news," said the frightened patient. "Well, during your hernia operation, the surgeon's knife slipped and cut off your penis." " My God!" the patient said, "Then what is the good news?" "It wasn't malignant." 72. Question: What is the difference between love and herpes? Answer: Herpes is forever! 73. Question: How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? Answer: Her ankles swell when she farts. 74. Maria is sitting on her stoop eating a slice of pizza. Two of her girl friends walk by and notice that she's not wearing any underwear. "Hey, Maria," one of them calls out, "Did you take off your panties to keep yourself cool?" "I don't know about keeping cool," she said, "but it sure keeps the flies away from my pizza!" 75. Mr. Hudson came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the mirror, admiring her breasts. "What do you think you're doing?" he asked. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty-five-year-old." Mr. Hudson laughed. "Oh yeah?" he asked, "And what did he have to say about your fifty-year-old ass?" "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." 76. Question: What is the difference between a fox and a pig? Answer: About five drinks? 77. When it was time for milk and cookies at the nursery school, Joey refused to line up with the rest of the class. "What's the matter, Joey?" the teacher asked. "Don't you want any cookies today?" "Fuck the milk and cookies," Joey answered. Shocked, the teacher figured the best way to handle the incident was to ignore it. The next day, when it came time for milk and cookies, she asked the same question and got the same reply: "Fuck the milk and cookies." This time the teacher called Joey's mother. She came to class the next day and when milk and cookie time arrived, she hid in the closet. The teacher asked Joey if he wanted his snack and he replied: "Fuck the milk and cookies." She opened the closet door and asked Joey's mother what she thought of that! "Shit," she said, "If the little bastard doesn't want any, then fuck him! Don't give him any!" 78. A contest was being held at the circus: A thousand-dollar prize was being offered to the first person who could make the elephant nod his head up and down. Dozens of people tried and failed. Finally, a little old man walked over to the elephant, grabbed his balls, and squeezed as hard as he could. The elephant roared in pain and tossed its head up and down. The old man collected his prize money and departed. The next year a similar contest was held using the same elephant; the only difference was that the winner had to make the elephant shake its head from side to side. Again dozens tried and failed. Finally, the same little old man who walked off with the prize money the previous year, appeared. He walked up to the elephant. "Remember me? he asked. The elephant shook his head up and down. "Want me to do what I did to you last year?" The elephant shook his head back and forth violently. The old man walked off again with the prize money. 79. Question: Why was Lady Di disappointed on her honeymoon? Answer: She thought all rulers had twelve inches! 80. Question: Why did Idi Amin kill 5,000 people? Answer: To keep up with the Joneses! 81. Have you heard about the new civil service test the city of Chicago is using since they elected a black mayor? Applicants must be able to run the 100-yard dash while carrying a TV set. 82. Two black women were talking about their sex lives. One woman turns to the other and says, "Do you and your husband have mutual orgasms?" "No," answers her friend. "We have State Farm." 83. Question: What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? Answer: You get mono by snatching a kiss. 84. Mr. Smith hadn't been feeling very well lately, so his loving wife made an appointment for him with their family doctor. She asked the doctor to let her know immediately if the prognosis was unfavorable; she would break the news to her husband gently. Later that day, the doctor phoned. It was much worse than he had originally thought --- her husband had less than twenty-four hours to live. The only blessing was that when he went, it would be quick and painless. Mrs. Smith decided that this last night would be the most wonderful night of her husband's life. She prepared his favorite meal and met him at the door with his favorite cocktail in hand. After an exquisite meal, they retired to the darkened bedroom for after-dinner drinks. She put on her sexiest nightgown and perfume and approached her husband. "Whatever you want to do, whatever fantasies you have, tonight is the night to fulfill them." This included both oral sex and anal sex which she would never allow him to do before. They made wild, passionate love. "That was great," Mr. Smith said. "Let's do it again." So they did, and he said, "That was even better. Do you see what you have been missing out on all these years? Let's do it again!" "That's easy for you to say," said his wife. "You don't have to get up in the morning." 85. Sadie Goldstein was on a safari. She was taking pictures when a huge gorilla swung down out of a tree and carried her off to his lair, where he ripped off her clothes and used and abused her in ways she had never even heard about or thought possible. Luckily, a rescue party found her while her captor was in search of a banana, and took her back to civilization. While she was recuperating in the hospital, her best friend came to visit. "Sadie! Such a terrible experience, but at least you're alive." Sadie was silent. "Sadie! Say something!" "Say? What's to say? It's been two weeks; he doesn't call, he doesn't write..." 86. Question: What is the difference between a JAP (Jewish American Princess) and jello? Answer: Jello moves when you eat it. 87. Question: Why did the man with the legless dog call his pet "Cigarette?" Answer: Because every so often he'd take him for a drag. 88. Question: What's grosser than gross? Answer: When you kiss your grandmother and she slips you the tongue. 89. Question: What is the modern woman's idea of the perfect man? Anser: One who's two-and-a-half feet tall, has a ten-inch tongue, and can breathe through his ears. 90. Question: Where is an elephant's sex organ? Answer: In his feet. If he steps on you, consider yourself fucked. 91. Why is a Polish woman like a hockey team? Because they both take showers after three periods. 92. Did you hear about the Polack gardener who broke his arm while he was raking leaves? He fell out of the tree. 93. One sunny day, a bunny rabbit named Peter was walking along the water's edge when he saw an island. Straining his eyes, the bunny spied what looked like hundred of thousands of carrot leaves. "Boy," thought the bunny, "if I could just get over to that island, I'd be the happiest bunny in the world." Now bunnies hate water, but all those delicious carrots proved a huge temptatin to the bunny, and he decided to try to get out to the island. Getting up all his courage, he took three running hops and PLOP! landed right in the middle of the island. What he had seen from shore were indeed carrot leaves, and he began to munch happily away on all the carrots a rabbit could ever want. "I am the happiest bunny in the world," thought the rabbit as he hopped happily along eating carrots. About half an hour later, a cat was walking along the shore and saw the rabbit hopping happily away on the island. Her eyes not being as good (for she did not eat carrots), she had no idea that it was all those carrots that were making the bunny so happy. "Boy," she thought, "look how happy that bunny is. If I could just get over to that island, I'd be the happiest cat in the world." Cats hate water even more than bunnies do, but this cat was determined to be as happy as that bunny was. Getting up all her courage, she crouched, sprang, and SPLASH! landed in the water and drowned. The moral of the story: BEHIND EVERY SATISFIED PETER IS A WET PUSSY! 94. Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous black criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to sheriffs and police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the minute an arrest was made. The next day, the Bureau received a teletyped reply from the sheriff of Bainbridge, Georgia. "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR NIGGERS SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST." 95. Question: How did Roman Polanski's girlfriend die? Answer: It was a crib death. 96. Sir Cedric and Lord Griffin, the famous African big game hunters, were having an argument during lunch. "I say old man," Sir Cedric bellowed, "I do believe the word is spelled 'w-o-o-m-b'." "No, old bean," answered Lord Griffin, "I'm sure it's spelled 'w-o- o-o-m-b'." A waitress overheard them and interrupted, "Begging your pardon, sirs. But I believe the word is spelled 'w-o-m-b'." Sir Cedric turned to his companion, "I say, Griffin. It's quite obvious that this young lady has never heard an elephant relieve itself." 97. Question: How come there isn't any grass in the University of Florida football stadium in Gainesville? Answer: So the UF cheerleaders don't graze during halftime. 98. Question: Why do blacks keep chickens in their backyards? Answer: To teach their kids how to walk. 99. A car full of white southern boys was speeding through Bainbridge, Georgia when they passed a parked sheriff's car. A chase ensued, during which the white boys' car crashed into the back of a car full of blacks who were stopped at a red light. The sheriff arrived at the scene and got out of his car. He walked over to the white boys and said, "All right, boys, how fast were those niggers going when they backed up into you?" 100. It was my father's birthday and I wanted to buy him a bird dog, so I went to the pet store. The owner of the pet store had a bird dog, but it cost a thousand dollars. I couldn't believe a bird dog cost a thousand dollars. The owner of the pet store said it was a special dog: this dog could tell you just how many birds are in the bush. "I'll prove it to you," he said. So he went and got the dog and we went out back. The owner let the dog loose and the dog went up to a bush and started shaking his head. The dog shook his head five times. The owner said, "There are five birds in the bush." He went up to the bush and shook it, and out flew five birds. I said, "I still don't believe it." So the owner said, "We'll show you again." So again he let the dog loose and the dog went up to a bush and shook his head three times. The owner went up to the bush and shook it, and three birds flew out. Well, I was almost ready to believe him, but I thought that it really must be a trick. So the owner took me farther into the woods and set the dog loose again. The dog started running around a bush wildly, humping, and shaking the shit out of a wooden stick he had found nearby. I didn't know what the hell was going on. So I said to the owner, "What the hell is this dog doing running around the bush and humping and shaking the shit out of that stick?" The owner said, "Don't you know what he's trying to tell you?" "No," I said. The owner said, "He's trying to tell you that there are more fucking birds in that bush than you can shake a stick at."

---

E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank