+22 Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1987 8:44 Subject: Christmas Carols Received: From +lt;MAILER@CUNYVM

---
Master Index Current Directory Index Go to SkepticTank Go to Human Rights activist Keith Henson Go to Scientology cult

Skeptic Tank!

+22 Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1987 8:44 From: Mike Dobe Subject: Christmas Carols Received: From for via RSCS by ECNCDC; Thu, 17 Dec 1987 08:43 CST Received: from CUNYVM by CUNYVM.BITNET (Mailer X1.25) with BSMTP id 9866; Thu, 17 Dec 87 09:28:24 EST Received: from BCLVXA by CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU ; Thu, 17 Dec 87 09:27:44 EST Date: Thu, 17 Dec 87 09:18 EDT From: Mike Dobe Subject: Christmas Carols To: xgmh%ecncdc.bitnet@cunyvm.cuny.edu, xsak%ecncdc.bitnet@cunyvm.cuny.edu X-VMS-To: IN%"xgmh@ecncdc.bitnet",IN%"xsak@ecncdc.bitnet",DOBE Someone around here got these from OSU - Merry Christmas! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sung to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" Lyrics by Bob Kanefsky On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me Twelve PUSHJs stacking Eleven strings unpacking Ten hackers hacking Nine crunchers crunching Eight users using Seven cretins losing Six queues a-growing F i v e a s c i z s t r i n g s Four subroutines Three long sends Two heavy sighs And a terminal made by HP ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Do You Know What I Know? lyrics by Haruka Takano written 24-Oct-80 Walking into Ceras in the night Do you see what I see? People lining up to get in line Do you see what I see? A queue, a queue Growing in the night With a tail that's nowhere in sight With a tail that's nowhere in sight! Wondering why I get no response Do you hear what I hear? I ask the consultant what is wrong Do you hear what I hear? A beep, a flash The system has just crashed And my file has just been smashed And my file has just been smashed! Sitting for an hour and a half Do you know what I know? Waiting for my listing to come out Do you know what I know? A rip, a tear The printer has just jammed And my listing has just been trashed And my listing has just been trashed! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Rudolph, the EMACS Hacker (to the tune "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer") Rudolph, the EMACS hacker Had a piece of TECO code And if you ever ran it You would lighten up your load All of the other hackers Used to call his programs names They never let poor Rudolph Play any computer games When one hacker lost his fork, He was heard to say: "Rudolph, with your CUSPy hack, Can you get my edit back?" Then all the other hackers Loaded up his library; Rudolph, the EMACS hacker - You'll go down in hackery! --Lynn Gold The First, Last, One and Only (I think) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Silent Night sung to the tune of "Silent Night" by Franz Mohr Silent Night! Boring Night! LOTS has crashed, all is blight Run yon CHECKD, wizard and wheel Holy twenty never shall keel Boot in heavenly peace Boot in heavenly peace Silent Night! Boring Night! Wizards shake, hackers fight As they wait in queue for a day All their homeworks were due yesterday Still, the system is down! Still, the system is down! Silent Night! Boring Night! Oh my God, I see light Radiant beams from one hacker's face LESS is up, so let's leave this place There, the load's below one! There, the load's below one! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ God Rest Ye CS Students --- ---- -- -- -------- God rest ye CS students now let nothing you dismay, The VAX is down and won't be up until the first of May The program that was due this morn won't be postponed they say. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy! The bearings on the disk are gone, and bits are dropping too, We've found a bug in C, and Pascal can't tell false from true, And now we find that we can't get at Berkeley's 4.2. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy! And all you fans of matrix math who would use APL, You'd find out if the VAX were up, it wouldn't work too well, And if you try, then it'll say that you can go to . . . well . . . Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy! We've just received a call from DEC, they'll send without delay A system they call RSuX it takes nine hundred k, The staff committed suicide we'll bury them today. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy! And now more cheery news for you, the network's also dead, You'll have to run your programs on the IBM instead, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks and only cards are read. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy! And now we'd like to say to you before we go away, We hope the news we've brought to you won't ruin your whole day, You've got another program due tomorrow, by the way. Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ M E R R Y C H R I S T M A S 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working, not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, That I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name. On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk, And laying his finger on the ENTER key, The system came up, and worked perfectly. The updates, updated; the deletes, they deleted; The inquiries, inquired; and the closing completed. He tested each whistle, he tested each bell, With nary an abend, and all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded, The client's last changes were even included! And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, 'It's just what I asked for, but it's not what I want.' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Byte Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a user was using ... not even a mouse; The programs were hung from the bugs in their code, In hopes that a guru would soon cure their woes; The data were nestled all snug in their beds, While versions of software danced in their heads; The boss dimmed the lights as I locked up my desk, A couple days off and a well-deserved rest; Then all of a sudden there came such a clatter, I sprang from my chair to see what was the matter. Away to the processor I flew like a flash, What a terrible sound .. like a massive headcrash; The lights they were blinking and beaming aglow, The hardcopy printout said "Let service know!"; When what to my wandering eyes should appear, On a silicon wafer ... a field engineer; A little device driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Chip! More rapid than Macro, his cursor insane, He whistled and shouted like a video game. Now, Pascal! Now, Basic!, Now, Fortran and Cobol! On RPG! On PL/1, On Dibol and Snobol! To the top of the registers, the bottom of core! Run diagnostics and see what they store! As memory leaves when electricity flies, The 'Rep' cracked a smile and loosened his tie; He was chubby and plump, said the place was a wreck, And I laughed when I saw him (in spite of high tech). A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He was dressed from his head to his feet in a suit, His briefcase was heavy with tools to re-boot. With bundles of bits bulging out of his slacks, He looked like a pro 'bout to fix a blown pack. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, Reseated PC boards, then turned with a smirk; Hit return with his finger and said "Here it goes," And giving a nod, into the CRT he dove. But I heard him exclaim, 'ere leaving the site, "Restore the data, and all will be right!"

---

E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank