Date: Fri Mar 11 1994 07:48:56 Subj: The Year That Was UFO - SIGHTINGS FOR SORE EYES? UFOS

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Date: Fri Mar 11 1994 07:48:56 From: Sheppard Gordon Subj: The Year That Was UFO ------------------------------- SIGHTINGS FOR SORE EYES? UFOS WERE NEWS 01/28/94 THE NEW ORLEANS TIMES-PICAYUNE In this column's continuing effort to present a broad spectrum of thought-provoking material based on worthless information that no one with any sense would deal with, I am delighted to report the following to you: 1993 was the busiest UFO year in at least a decade, with sightings increasing in quality, cattle mutilations not rising or falling significantly but holding steady amidst at least one claim that there are connections between UFOs and the assassination of President Kennedy. Sounds like the stock market report: There was heavy trading today in future Cattle Mutilations, Abductions by Aliens took a nosedive while speculators cooled on English Crop Circles, which were hot last year. The 1993 UFO Year in Review, which capsules significant and insignificant events relating to unidentified flying objects, found that some of the year's most ludicrous claims were that aliens like Oriental music and strawberry ice cream, feed on human body parts, and that the government has sold out to aliens and now assists them in operating their underground bases in the West. Of course they do. It's obvious some sort of underground testing triggered the recent earthquake. As for cattle mutilations: "It's a very sticky sort of thing," explained Don Berliner, a member of the executive committee of the Fund for UFO Research. "These are strangely mutilated cattle, with body parts removed - such as sex organs, tongues and eyes. The incisions are high-tech, not ragged as if they were done with a meat cleaver." These cattle mutilation stories started in the Rocky Mountain area some years back and moved around, eventually into northern Georgia. This is understandable. You know how long it takes us Southerners to catch on to trends and fashions. The problem with the cattle mutilation reports, he said, is that rarely does anybody who's capable and has credibility get to the scene in time to get any documentation or closeup photographs. "If you read about it in some small-town weekly, it's too late," he said. Another significant problem is this: If there were some striking UFO sightings near cattle mutilations, there might be something to go on. But there haven't been. So the bottom line is this: "There's enough to make it intriguing, but there isn't much to tie cattle mutilations to UFOs," Berliner said. Wow! Is that a relief! Now, as for English crop circles, that's another matter. For 10 years or so, very elaborate complex geometric circles and groups of circles have been appearing in fields of grain in the southwest of Great Britain - most noticeably around Salisbury, a town known for its steaks. (Seems a natural for the cattle mutilations.) More than a thousand have been recorded. "Some are quite geometric and extremely well made and symmetrical," said Berliner, who once spotted two, 50 to 60 feet long each, in dumbbell shapes in a field on his way to Heathrow Airport, which is nowhere near Salisbury. Naturally, believers have explained that aliens are trying to send messages to us through these well-crafted circles. Which leads to the conclusion that we're dealing with some pretty stupid aliens. If they've been drawing circles in wheatfields for a decade now and haven't gotten a single reply, we can't be dealing with rocket scientists. One difference between cattle mutilations and crop circles is worth nothing. Ah, excuse me, that should read, "worth noting." (Assuming any of this is worth noting.) That is that crop circles can be studied. "They don't vanish quickly," Berliner said. Or decay. Or disappear. Unfortunately, other than a lot of people who think there is some connection, there's absolutely nothing to tie circles in grain fields to UFOs or aliens. Until now, that is. After further review, this column has concluded that there is a significant correlation between aliens liking Oriental music and strawberry ice cream and circles in English wheatfields. Here's how it goes: The Beatles were English and doubtless once ate strawberry ice cream. The Beatles sang a song named "Strawberry Fields Forever." One of the Beatles, John Lennon, was married to an Oriental who was also a musician. The Beatles were frequently accused of doing drugs and alcohol, arguably two of the leading causes of UFO sightings and communications with aliens. Many of the Beatles' songs, particularly those on their album "The Magical Mystery Tour" on which "Strawberry Fields Forever" appears, would lead you to conclude they were in direct communication with aliens from other planets. The words in the album's title song clearly state that "The Magical Mystery Tour is coming to take you away." And in another well-known Beatles song, there is further proof that communication was made: "See how they fly like Lucy in the sky. I am the walrus GOO GOO GOO JOOB." I rest my case. As with all UFO theories, Berliner said, it's a "prove it isn't true" situation. "It's an open-ended subject. Anything is possible if nobody can prove you wrong." Go ahead. I dare you.

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