Date: Fri Mar 11 1994 07:48:56
From: Sheppard Gordon
Subj: The Year That Was
SIGHTINGS FOR SORE EYES? UFOS WERE NEWS
THE NEW ORLEANS TIMES-PICAYUNE
In this column's continuing effort to present a broad spectrum
of thought-provoking material based on worthless information that
no one with any sense would deal with, I am delighted to report the
following to you:
1993 was the busiest UFO year in at least a decade, with
sightings increasing in quality, cattle mutilations not rising or
falling significantly but holding steady amidst at least one claim
that there are connections between UFOs and the assassination of
Sounds like the stock market report: There was heavy trading
today in future Cattle Mutilations, Abductions by Aliens took a
nosedive while speculators cooled on English Crop Circles, which
were hot last year.
The 1993 UFO Year in Review, which capsules significant and
insignificant events relating to unidentified flying objects, found
that some of the year's most ludicrous claims were that aliens like
Oriental music and strawberry ice cream, feed on human body parts,
and that the government has sold out to aliens and now assists them
in operating their underground bases in the West.
Of course they do. It's obvious some sort of underground
testing triggered the recent earthquake.
As for cattle mutilations: "It's a very sticky sort of thing,"
explained Don Berliner, a member of the executive committee of the
Fund for UFO Research. "These are strangely mutilated cattle, with
body parts removed - such as sex organs, tongues and eyes. The
incisions are high-tech, not ragged as if they were done with a
These cattle mutilation stories started in the Rocky Mountain
area some years back and moved around, eventually into northern
Georgia. This is understandable. You know how long it takes us
Southerners to catch on to trends and fashions.
The problem with the cattle mutilation reports, he said, is
that rarely does anybody who's capable and has credibility get to
the scene in time to get any documentation or closeup photographs.
"If you read about it in some small-town weekly, it's too late," he
Another significant problem is this: If there were some
striking UFO sightings near cattle mutilations, there might be
something to go on. But there haven't been. So the bottom line is
"There's enough to make it intriguing, but there isn't much to
tie cattle mutilations to UFOs," Berliner said.
Wow! Is that a relief!
Now, as for English crop circles, that's another matter.
For 10 years or so, very elaborate complex geometric circles
and groups of circles have been appearing in fields of grain in the
southwest of Great Britain - most noticeably around Salisbury, a
town known for its steaks. (Seems a natural for the cattle
More than a thousand have been recorded. "Some are quite
geometric and extremely well made and symmetrical," said Berliner,
who once spotted two, 50 to 60 feet long each, in dumbbell shapes
in a field on his way to Heathrow Airport, which is nowhere near
Naturally, believers have explained that aliens are trying to
send messages to us through these well-crafted circles. Which leads
to the conclusion that we're dealing with some pretty stupid
aliens. If they've been drawing circles in wheatfields for a decade
now and haven't gotten a single reply, we can't be dealing with
One difference between cattle mutilations and crop circles is
worth nothing. Ah, excuse me, that should read, "worth noting."
(Assuming any of this is worth noting.) That is that crop circles
can be studied. "They don't vanish quickly," Berliner said. Or
decay. Or disappear. Unfortunately, other than a lot of people who
think there is some connection, there's absolutely nothing to tie
circles in grain fields to UFOs or aliens.
Until now, that is. After further review, this column has
concluded that there is a significant correlation between aliens
liking Oriental music and strawberry ice cream and circles in
Here's how it goes: The Beatles were English and doubtless once
ate strawberry ice cream. The Beatles sang a song named "Strawberry
Fields Forever." One of the Beatles, John Lennon, was married to an
Oriental who was also a musician. The Beatles were frequently
accused of doing drugs and alcohol, arguably two of the leading
causes of UFO sightings and communications with aliens. Many of the
Beatles' songs, particularly those on their album "The Magical
Mystery Tour" on which "Strawberry Fields Forever" appears, would
lead you to conclude they were in direct communication with aliens
from other planets.
The words in the album's title song clearly state that "The
Magical Mystery Tour is coming to take you away." And in another
well-known Beatles song, there is further proof that communication
was made: "See how they fly like Lucy in the sky. I am the walrus
GOO GOO GOO JOOB."
I rest my case.
As with all UFO theories, Berliner said, it's a "prove it isn't
true" situation. "It's an open-ended subject. Anything is possible
if nobody can prove you wrong."
Go ahead. I dare you.