Date: Fri Oct 14 1994 00:00:26
From: Sheppard Gordon
Subj: King in Alien Territory
Larry King In Alien Territory
THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE
Larry King, America's most feared investigative broadcaster
("Uh, what's your name again?") is about to bust the government's
chops and get to the bottom of this UFO thing.
King is going live, in person, to the town of Rachel, Nev.,
tomorrow so he can be only miles from an ultrasecret government base,
where dead little green men may be stacked like logs.
The two-hour show -- nay, exclusive, shocking expose -- is called
"The UFO Cover-Up? -- Live from Area 51." It'll be on the TNT cable
channel at 5 p.m. tomorrow.
Area 51 is one of those fenced-in government enclosures that seem
to occupy most of the Nevada and New Mexico land mass, dusty places
with signs that warn you to stay out or be shot and then chewed to
pieces by a large dog named Hans.
Usually we suspect nuclear weapons testing, or nerve gas
experiments. Or maybe secret genetic research to mass-produce
spontaneously combusting Rush Limbaugh replicants, proving at last
that Limbaugh is merely a gaseous bag of noxious vapors.
But according to official unembargoed press material issued by
informed TNT spokespeople, an exhaustive investigation by Larry
King's task force has determined that "some say" Area 51 is a
top-secret test facility for UFO exploration.
GETTING IT RIGHT
Some say Elvis smashed his nose again on the plastic sneeze
guard at the Sizzler in San Bruno last Monday night. But OK, some
people get some things right, sometimes.
For all I know, the government has rigged Area 51 with pulsing
neon arrows pointing to a mile-wide alien landing spot marked with a
huge "X," and a garish hotel-casino complex with immense block
letters on the roof -- ALIEN WELCOME CENTER.
And in smaller block letters, Come On Down! Earth's Loosest
Slots and Most Liberal Blackjack! Prime Rib Dinners $5.95! Now
Appearing in the Space Lounge, Larry King!
But among the experts TNT amassed for King's live special is
William Shatner, who's maybe been beamed up a few too many times.
And TNT is promising "a rare and exclusive interview" with former
Arizona Senator Barry Goldwater.
Rare and exclusive? You could probably call Barry Goldwater
right now and talk with him for hours.
It strikes me that if tomorrow's special is, as advertised,
"television's most respectable look ever at the UFO story," the
Turner Broadcasting System should be putting it on CNN, not TNT. A
Also, that if anyone wants to investigate unidentified (or at
least unexplained) flying objects, a good place to start would be
Larry King himself. Why is this man famous? For dating Angie
Dickinson? For dating Ross Perot? Surely not for his weighty USA
Today newspaper column.
Could Larry be, as some say, a visitor from the fire planet
Nebulous, at the center of the Fatuous galaxy? Do his suspenders
camouflage a mysterious Gills of Death breathing apparatus?
And, just maybe, could his live appearance at Area 51 be a clever
ruse? Larry gives the signal on live TV, and armed hordes of his
fellow Nebulousans launch their invasion of Earth. Before it's too
late, someone should call William Shatner for an expert opinion.