Subject: Religious Jokes Compilation Date: 7 Nov 88 16:50:26 GMT Here it is at long last,

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From: (Jeffrey S. Blatt) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Religious Jokes Compilation Message-ID: <> Date: 7 Nov 88 16:50:26 GMT Lines: 1002 Here it is at long last, a compalation of religious jokes: ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: juniper! (Malcolm Graham) Abe meets his frind (friend) Isaac on the street. Isaac: Abe, why are you looking so sad? Abe: It's my son. I sent him off to college, and now he has come back home, all full of Gentile ideas. Where did I go wrong? Isaac: Funny you should mention it! My son, too, has come home from college, with his head all messed up, filled with Gentile ideas...There is but one course open to us. We will ask the Rabbi. So they go to the Synagogue, and obtain an audience with the Rabbi. Both: Rabbi, our two sons, whom we have raised to be devout followers of the Law, have come home from college, full of Gentile ideas. What can we do about it? Rabbi Bernstein: Funny you should mention it! My son also has come back from college, with all sorts of Gentile ideas. I assure you my friends, this problem is beyond human solution. We must go into the place of worship and pray. The three go in and spread their hands in supplication to the Lord. No sooner have they articulated their common lament than the lights go out, the building is filled with cloud and smoke, and a thunderous voice answers them FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION IT....... ------------------------ Job, in all his suffering, discusses with his friends his blamelessness and seeks their counsel as to why the Lord has afflicted him. They agree that he, Job, has done nothing to deserve such misfortune. In deep despair, Job raises his voice to the heavens, "Why, oh Lord of Heaven and Earth, Why???" The sky darkens, the clouds boil, lightning and thunder crsh all about Job. A mighty voice comes out of the storm, "BECAUSE,.... YOU PISS- ME- OFF!" ------------------------ Did yhou hear that Jimmy Swaggart is starting up a new magazine? He has everything set but the name. He doesn't know whether to call it 'Prayboy' or 'Repenthouse'. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From fredonia!dunkirk! Mon Oct 24 22:35:53 1988 What's a jewish delimma?? Free ham. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From (Evren Senol) In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. In all his fears, his attempt to shot the bear was unsuccessful. Thus, he turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!" Then, there was a lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a feet short of the hunter. The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, "My God! What you are about to receive ... " ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From osu-cis!att!mhuxu! Wed Oct 26 09:05:09 1988 Why are synogoges round? So the jewish people have nowhere to run when they pass out the collection plate. ------------------------ Did you here about the Jewish - Japonese restarant? Its called So sume. ------------------------ When does the Jewish male fetus become a person (according to religious custom)? When it graduates from Law school. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: suz@tc.fluke.COM (Suzanne Jurgensen) CHURCH NOTICES This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. The children will be baptized at both ends. Tuesday, at 7:00 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers' Club. All those wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in his study. Wednesday, at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All the ladies giving milk will please come early. This being Easter Sunday, we will as Mrs. Hooker to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken up to defray the expense of a new carpet. Will all those wishing to do something on the carpet come forward and get a piece of paper. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johson will sing: "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor. The services will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon. A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser. ------------------------ PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC ARIES Dear God, please give me patience... and could you do it right now? TAURUS Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick. GEMINI Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God? CANCER Dear God!!! LEO Yes? VIRGO Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time. LIBRA Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best? SCORPIO Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the b*****ds don't deserve it! SAGITTARIUS Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating. CAPRICORN Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else! AQUARIUS Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!! PISCES Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory. ------------------------ A man went rushing into a church for something he had forgotten, but he was stopped cold by a huge sign the janitor had placed in front of the floor that he had just washed. It read: PLEASE DON'T WALK ON THE WATER. ------------------------ Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough draft before The Final Masterpiece. ------------------------ A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second. The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won. The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent. The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10. The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the bishop the next day. ------------------------ Q: Why can't Jesus eat M & M's? A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands. Q: Why didn't Jesus get into MIT? A: Because he got nailed on his boards. Q: What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn? A: He threw some nails down on the counter and asked, "Can you put me up for the night?" ------------------------ Jesus and Moses are in Heaven, fishing from a rowboat. As they were fishing, they began to reminisce the miracles they performed when they were on Earth. Just to see if they could still had the knack, they each decided to do one of their miracles. So, Moses stood up and extended his arms. Sure enough, the waters of the lake parted and the rowboat settled gently to the bottom. He then lowered his arms and the waters closed back in. In a few moments, the lake had returned to normal with the rowboat floating on top. "Pretty good, Mo," Jesus said approvingly. "Now I'll give it a try," he said as he climbed out of the boat. He took a couple steps and then began to sink quickly. Just in time, Moses reached out and pulled Jesus into the boat. "Jesus Christ!" Moses exclaimed. "What do you suppose happened to you?" "Aw, Mo, I should have known better than to try that one," Jesus replied. "The last time I did that I didn't have these blasted holes in my feet." ------------------------ Deciding that they needed a few hours of vacation from Heaven, God and Jesus went down to earth to play some golf. Going into the last hole, which was a difficult par 5, they are par for par. Jesus walks up to the tee, swings, and makes a beautiful 200 yard drive. Another shot takes him up onto the green and with a final 20-foot shot, sinks the ball for a birdie. God stood there looking thoughtful, then scratched his head, and finally steps up to the tee. He pulls back, hits the ball, and watches it as it cuts to the left and goes straight into the woods. About that time, a squirrel stuck its head out of its nest in a old tree only to be struck squarely between the eyes with a golf ball. Knocked senseless with the ball lodge between its ears, the squirrel falls towards the ground and lands on a rabbit. Startled, the rabbit takes off out of the woods and straight onto the green. Just as it gets close to the cup, an eagle swoops out of sky and grabs the rabbit with the squirrel still on its back. The eagle begins circling back up into the heavens when a bolt of lightening streaks out of the cloudless sky and strikes the eagle dead. The eagle's prey plummets towards the green below, and as the rabbit with the squirrel on its back bounces off the ground for a second time, the golf ball dislodges from between the squirrels ears. The ball rolls across the green getting closer and closer to the cup. It then sits precariously on the lip of the cup for a few seconds and then finally falls in. Jesus looks over at God and says , "Come on, Dad. Are you going to fuck around, or are you going to play golf?" ------------------------ After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid that it has reached epidemic proportions. "Hmm," God said thoughtfully. "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put and end to this sexual perversion?" "I think that we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgement day if they do not stop this type of activity, " replied St. Peter. "That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one these good people. And do you know what that letter said? NO? You mean you didn't get one either? ------------------------ Bill, Frank, and Rod were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Bill and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Bill thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be driving that little yellow Honda over there." St. Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be driving the red Corvette. St. Peter stepped up to Rod and repeated the question. Without pause, Rod answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be driving that gold Rolls Royce." Grinning from ear to ear, Rod approaches the car, but when he reaches the car, he suddenly lays his head on the roof and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter? You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be driving a Rolls Royce for the rest of eternity." Rod replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the skateboard? That's my wife!" ------------------------ After being killed in a tragic auto accident, Fathers Tom and Mike were met at Heaven's gate by St. Peter. St. Peter walked up to them and said, "Hello, fathers. Since both of you have been such devoted servants, for a short time only, you may return to Earth in any form of your choosing. St Peter turned to Father Tom and asked, "What form would you like, Father Tom?" "I have always wanted to soar like an eagle above the mountains in the bright sunlight," replied Father Tom. "It is done," said St Peter, and Father Tom found himself soaring above the mountains. St. Peter then turned to Father Mike and asked, "What would you like to return as, Father Mike?" Father Mike hesitated for a moment and then, looking rather embarrassed, replied, "Well, I'd like to return as a stud." "Are you sure?" asked St. Peter? "Yes, sir, I am," Mike said. "Then it is done," stated St. Peter, and Father Mike spent the winter in Minneapolis in a snow tire. ------------------------ Taking a day off, Jesus and St. Peter decide to play golf. At one part of the course, they came up to a short shot over a shallow pond. St Peter tees up first. He stops and thinks for a moment and then states, "I'm going to use a 6 iron." St. Peter swings and lands a beautiful shot about three feet away from the cup. Jesus tees up next. He ponders the shot, and then declares, "Jack Nicholas would use a 7 iron." He takes his 7 iron, pulls back, and swings. The ball goes too high in the air and lands in the middle of the pond. Jesus casually walks on the water, retrives his ball, and tees up. He swings and, again, his shot ends up in the pond. "Why don't you use a 6 iron?" asked St. Peter. "No!" retorts Jesus. "Jack Nicholas would use a 7!" This goes on for several shots - swing, splash, walk on water, recover ball, and tee up again. By this time, other golfers have caught up to Jesus and St. Peter. After watching Jesus walk on water several times to retrive is ball one baffled golfer turns to St. Peter and asks, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?" "No," replies St. Peter. "Jack Nicholas." ------------------------ Eleazer Bokar appeared at the gates of Heaven and knocked for admittance. The great doors slowly swung open and the patriach Abraham stepped out, blowing his golden trumpet. When he had finished the welcoming concerto, he turned to Eleazer and said, "Greetings, blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh. God awaits you." Recovering from the awesome splendor of this type of welcome, Eleazer quickly replied, "Father Abraham, I am ready to meet our God," and stepped forward to enter the celestial portals. "Wait, my brother," said Abraham, halting Eleazer with an imperiously, upraised palm. "Before entering God's Kingdom, you must first prove that you are worthy of the honor." "But how can I prove my worthiness," queried Eleazer. "You must show that, at least once in your mortal life, you displayed outstanding courage. Can you recall one unquestionably brave deed?" Eleazer's face brightened as he said, "Yes I can! I remember going to the Roman Consul's palace where I met him face to face. He was surrounded by dozens of legionnaires, all of whom were armed. Ignoring this fact, I told him that he was a camel's behind, that he was a vulture who fed upon the bones of Jerusalem's oppressed, and that he was a persecutor of humble Jews. I then spat in his face. "Well," exclaimed Abraham, "I am impressed. I must agree that that was an extremely brave feat to perform - considering the armed guards and the Roman Consul's hatred of Jews. Yes, my brother, you have certainly earned admittance into Paradise, but please tell me, when did all this happen?" "Oh," replied Eleazer casually, "right before you welcomed me." ------------------------ Wanting to convert to the Catholic faith, Sam Goldstein was allowed to join the Church under the condition that he would, henceforth, obey all the laws governing the Catholicism. "Remember," warned the priest, "you also are not allowed to eat meat on Fridays." "Yes, Father, I'll remember," Sammy promised as he left his last class. The Father, concerned about his new convert, decided to drop in on Sam that next Friday to see how he was doing. After being admitted into the house, he was shocked to see Sam eating a huge steak. "What is this? Did you forget your promise? This is Friday. You're suppose abstain from eating meat on Fridays. What do you have to say for yourself?" the priest asked imperiously. "Meat? Who's eating meat?" asked Sam blandly. "This is gefilte fish." "You must take me for a fool!" snapped the outraged priest. "How can anyone make fish out of meat?" "The same way the Church makes a Catholic out of a Jew," answered the convert smoothly. "I sprinkled holy water on it." ------------------------ Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams" said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday." "And which holiday will this be?" he asked. "It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday." ------------------------ One day, three nuns were talking while enjoying their cups of tea, when one of the nuns leaned towards the other two and whispered, "I'm in such a dilemma, sisters, and I don't know what to do. Maybe you can help me. When I was cleaning the Father's room, I found a box of condoms in his dresser drawer, and now I don't know whether or not to tell Bishop. What do you think I should do?" "Oh my word," said the second nun. "I must have found the same box of condoms when I cleaned his room last week! Well, I don't know if you should tell the Bishop or not but do you know what I did? I poked a hole in the end of each and everyone of them." Both nuns heard a gasp, turned and saw that the third nun had fainted. ------------------------ One day, a very naive, newly ordained priest discovered that he needed to get something in town. Having never been there before, he was looking forward to the excursion. As he walked down the street, taking in the atmosphere of this rather large town, a scantily clad beauty called out to him, "Ten dollars for a quicky, Father?" Embarrassed and unsure as to what this woman was talking about, he hurried past her with his head down. Moving swiftly down the street and pondering the meaning of the woman's words, he was startled by a voice that said, "Hey Father, ten bucks for a quicky!" Looking up, he saw another woman wearing even less clothes than the previous one. Now completely flustered and confused, the priest ran past the woman and hurried on to complete his errand so that he could get back to the monastery to talk to someone about his encounters. At the monastery, he approaches the Mother Superior and asked, "Mother Superior, what's a quicky?" She replied, "Ten dollars, same as in town." ------------------------ Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. God gave us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. Q: Why don't Baptists do it standing up? A: Because it might lead to dancing. ------------------------ Christian: 1. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. 2. One who follows the teachings for Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. Monday: 1. In Christian countries, it is the day after the football game. Occident: 1. The part of the world west of the Asia. It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principle industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These are also the principal industries of the Asia. ------------------------ History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion - i.e. none to speak of. -- Lazarus Long "If God wanted us to have a president, He would have sent us a candidate." -- Jerry Dreshfield "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought that you didn't believe in God?" "I don't," she sobbed, bursting into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make him out to be." -- Joseph Heller "A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police." -- Mr. Dooley ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: blblbl!hilda (Hilda Marshall) Did you hear about the Unitarian branch of the Ku Klux Klan? They burn question marks in people's front yards. ------------------------ Then there was the woman who bought herself a Lamborghini, and though she wasn't particularly religious, she had worked hard for the car and wanted it blessed. She asked the rabbi next door to bless it for her, but he said, "A sports car is really a bit out of my domain. You should ask the priest." So she asked the priest at St. Christopher's, but he said, "I really wouldn't know how to bless a sports car. We're really pretty traditional. Why don't you ask the Unitarian minister?" So, somewhat exasperated, she hunts down the Unitarian minister, and says, "You must be the only person in this town who can give me a blessing for my new Lamborghini!" The minister replied, "A Lamborghini? That's a fine car! Have to be careful with the suspension though - it can be rough on turns. Now, what did you want? A blessing? What's that?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: will1990@dunkirk.UUCP (SID PSYCHO EAT'EM UP WILLIAMSON) - and - From: suz@tc.fluke.COM (Suzanne Jurgensen) THE FIRST SERMON The new priest, at his first Mass, was so afraid that he was unable to speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Put some martinis in the water pitcher. After a few sips, you should relax enough and everything should go smoothly." The next week the young priest put his elder's suggestion into practice and really talking up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "A definite improvement over last week but I think there are a few things you should learn before you address the congregation again." (suz)FIRST: Next time, sip the martinis rather than gulping them down. (suz)SECOND: There are 10 commandments, not 12. (suz)THIRD: There are 12 disciples, not 10. (suz)FOURTH: David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him. (suz)FIFTH: We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his disciples as "The late J.C. and the boys." (suz)SIXTH: Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's. (suz)SEVENTH: We do refer to the Cross as the "Big T." (suz)EIGHTH: The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." (will1990)NINTH: The recomended grace before Meals AND Communion is NOT "RUB-A-DUB-DUB, THANX FOR THE GRUB, YEAH GOD!" (suz)TENTH: And last, but not least, it's the Virgin Mary, NOT "Mary with the Cherry!!!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: will1990@dunkirk.UUCP (SID PSYCHO EAT'EM UP WILLIAMSON) Never, under any circumstances, be left alone with a cross-eyed nun with a bullwhip in one hand and a bottle of Gin in the other....... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From edsews!roberts@uunet.UU.NET Thu Nov 3 19:36:45 1988 How do we know Jesus was jewish? Four reasons: 1) He lived at home until he was 35. 2) He went into his fathers business. 3) He thought his mother was a virgin. 4) His mother thought he was a god. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: "Jon C. Slenk" How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, but theres only really one! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: (Jeffrey S. Blatt) [Hey, that's me!] A priest and nun are playing golf. They come to the first hole and the nun goes first. She swings and the ball goes beautifully. It was a hole in one. The Priest rolls his eyes and goes. He slices and the ball goes deep in the ruff. The prieat says "Damnit!" The nun gives him a dirty look and the go an to the next hole. This time the nun goes and hits another hole in one and the prieat gets up and slices into the ruff again. He says "Damnit I did it again!" It goes on this way until the 17th hole. On the 17th hole the nun again gets a hole in one and the priest slices into the ruff and says "Damnit I did it again!" This time the nun looks at him and says, "If you don't stop using language like that a lightning bolt will come out of the heavens an strike you dead!" The priest shrugs it off by saying under his breath, "Yeah, yeah." At last they come to the 18th hole and the nun gets up and again hits a hole in one. (That's right you too can score an 18 at golf if you become a nun) The priest gets up and slices into the ruff. Again he says, "Damnit I did it again!" Now he had done it for the cloudsa cam rolling in and a lightning bolt came down from heaven and struck the nun dead. The clouds parted and a voice from heaven said "DAMNIT I DID IT ADAIN!" ----------------------- Jesus, Moses and a very old man are playing golf. At the first hole there was a water puddle aprox 10 ft. from the hole. The first one to go was Moses. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it headed right for the water puddle. Moses opened his eyes widely and the water split down the middle and the ball rolled through. The ball finnally stopped about 5 ft from the hole. Jesus looked at Moses and said "Good shot Moses." Jesus was up next. He swung and it was a beautiful shot but it was also heading directly for the water puddle. So Jesus opened his eyes very wide and the golf ball sprouted legs and walked on the water. The ball finnally stopped about 3 ft from the hole. Moses looked at Jesus and said "Good shot Jesus." Finnally, it was the older man's turn. He swung and being a weak old man he only hit the ball about 15 ft. but before the ball stopped a gofer picks the ball up and begins to run away, then an eagle swoops down and grabs the gofer and begins to fly away with it, then a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, the eagle drops the gofer, the gofer hits the ground, the ball flies out of its mouth and into the hole. Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Good shot Dad." ----------------------- Three nuns (a good nun a pretty good nun, and a bad nun) die and are standing in front of the gates of heaven and there they meet St. Peter. St. Peter looks at the first one and says, "You have been a good nun all your life but there are rules, and to pass into heaven you must be able to answer my question. Since you were good nun all your life the question I have for you will be an easy one. Here is my question: Who was the first man?" The nun just smiles and says, "By the glory of God, The Lord created Adam to be the father of the human race." Bells start ringing and the gates fly open. The first nun passes through. St. Peter then directs his attention at the pretty good nun. He says to her "Since you have been a pretty good nun all your life I will ask you an easy question. My question to you is: Who was the first woman?" The nun just smiles and says "By The Lord's wisdom, The Father created Eve from Adam's rib." Bells start ringing and the gates fly open. The second nun passes through. The bad nun knowing she's in trouble tries to sneak into heaven while the gates are open but the gates slam in her face. St Peter Looked over at her and said "I'm sorry but to get into heaven you must first answer my question. To you I will ask a hard question for you have not been a good nun but if you really think about it you should be able to get it. My question to you is: What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?" The nun shakes here head and thinks for a while. Then she looks up at St. Peter shakes her head some more and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." and bells start ringing ... ----------------------- Jesus is hanging on the cross. As he is haging, he yells, "John, John, come here, quick!" John hear's the voice of his master and came running up to the Lord. As he gets there the guards catch him, cut off his legs, and through him back in the crowd. Jesus yells again, "John, John, come here quickly, quickly!" So John, crawling on his hands alone, approaches the cross. The guards catch him again, cut off his arms and throw him back in the crowd. Jesus yells a third time, "John, John, you must come quickly, time is short, hurry!" So John with his tremendious faith, using his chin alone, approaches the cross. The guards do not see him and he gets to the base, flips over and says, "Yes Lord." Jesus says, "I can see your house from up here!!!" ----------------------- How do you make Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it. ----------------------- Hugh Hefner and Heather Thomas die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St. Peter who says to Hugh, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your pornography. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and nash your teeth." Hugh decides that this will be easy for the tunnle is only 100 feet long. So he begins down the tunnle with St. Peter following behind. About half way down the tunnle St. Peter leans over towards Hugh and yells "Tits!!" and a trap door opens and Hugh falls down into Hell. St. Peter then goes to Heather Thomas and says, "You have corrupted the lives of many men and boys alike with your sexy looks. You have only one chance to get into the kingdom of God, you must walk down that tunnel without even one unclean thought. If you do, a trap door will open up under you and you will fall into hell where you will cry and nash your teeth." They begin there long trek down the tunnel. About half way down St. Peter leans over towards Heather and a trap door opens and St. Peter falls down into Hell. -------------------------- A young nun is in a monistary and is plegued with thoughts of men. She decides that she can no longer life wiht these thoughts and goes to the Mother Superior. She says, "Um, Mother, I am being stricken by, ah, unpure thoughts about men." The mother just smiles and says, "It happens to all the young ones, sister. To relieve yourself of this, every time you have an unclean thought go to a mirror, make your hand into a gun and shoot your reflection." The young nun is a little skeptical of this but thanks the Mother Superior and leaves. Down the hall a little bit she begins to have an unclean thought. She promptly runs to a mirror and makes her hand into a gun, points it at the reflection, and goes "BANG!" The unclean thought vanishes imediatly. This makes the young nun happy and she goes about her routine again. She has an unclean thought ever once in a while but she promptly gets rid of it. One day the youg nun gets up and gets ready for breakfast when she is plagued by one of those thoughts so she points at her reflection and goes "BANG" and it goes away. She finishes getting ready and it comes back. She goes to the mirror and goes "BANG" and it goes away. She leaves for breakfast and it comes back so she runs to the hall mirror and goes "BANG" but it comes right back. She goes "BANG" again and it comes back. She goes "BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG" but it is no use the thought keeps comming back. Panic stricken she runs to the Mother Superiors room throws the door open only to find the Mother Superior in fron of her mirror going "Rat tat tat tat tat tat!" -------------------------- Yesterday I became a Jehova's Witness. Not because of the religion but so they would stop comming to my house. -------------------------- A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just goes on. He incounters a Brother a little while later along the way and he says, "Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The priest was very confused at this and goes on. He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..." The young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stuned and says "What?" The priest reallized his mistake and said "I am sorry your holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says, "All I wa going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?" ----------------------------- Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even dies together. Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell. Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help." Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, Ilike it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot." St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you whatm I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?" This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbes his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He steped off the elevator and was greeted there by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, Didn't you forget something?" Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my Halo and my wings." St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?" Larry gasped and said, "I left my Harp in Sam Clam's Disco." ------------------------ In a monistary in Wyoming, everyday before breakfst the Superior would chant "Good Morning, Good Morning" and the Brothers would all chant back "Good Morning, Good Morning." There was only one problem with this morning chant, one brother thought it was the stupidest thing in the world. He really hated it. One moring he decided that he would get them all back and hopefully stop this stupidity. That morning he went to breakfast ant the Superior came in and chanted "Good Morning, Good Morning" and all the Brothers except the one chanted, "Good Morning, ..." At this the one Brother chanted as loud as he could, "Good Evening." Upon hearing this the Superior stoo up and chanted "Someone chanted evening!" ------------------------ One day God came down from heaven and came to the Pope. God looked at the Pope and said, "Do not be afraid, this is just a little survey I take of all the Popes. The first question I have of you is do you think that Priests will ever be able to get married?" The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time." God said, "Okay, the next question is: Do you think there should be women priests?" The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time." God said, "Okay, my last question is: Do you think the Roman Catholic church should approve birth control?" The Pope answered "Ah, no, not in my life time." God said, "Okay, thank you very much for your time." and he turned and started to leave when the Pope said, "Lord, may I ask you one question?" God turned to the Pope and said, "Sure, you answered mine, what would you like to know?" The Pope said, "As you know I am very patriotic and I was wondering if there would ever be another Polish pope?" God answered "Ah, no, not in my life time." ------------------------ God came down to the Pope and said to him, "JP, you have been a good pope and so I am going to reward you with three wishes." Stunned, the Pope said, "First of all, I would like the world to end it's petty bickering about religion and be united under one religion. That religion being Catholicism." God said, "Done." Next the Pope said, "As you know I am Polish and I would like you to remove all the Polak Jokes from the world." God said, "Done." The Pope then said, "Finally I would like you to get rid of M&M's." God said, "Done, but let me ask you a question, why would you like to rid the world of M&M's? I always thought they were a good candy, you know melt in your mouth, not in your hand and all." The Pope lowered his head and said, "I know but I am getting older not and it's getting harder and harder to peel that damn shell off." ----------------------- There where 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for some time when they decided to pass the time they decided to tell each other what their greatest sins where. The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of couse I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that is my greatest sin." The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I the money out of the poor box and drink for one consecutive week." The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other nuns say "come now we told you our worst sins, what is yours." The third nun got up and said, "My graetest sin is that I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train." ----------------------- There where 2 novice nuns and a mother superior riding a three person bycicle. they were riding along when they hit a bump. As they hit the 2 novices giggled. The mother superior just gave them a dirty look. They rode a little farther and they hit another bump and the novices giggled again. The mother superior gave them another dirty look. They rode a bit further until they came to another bump and the two novices giggled again and themother stopped the bike and looked at the novices and said, "If you don't stop that I'm going to put the seat back on!" ----------------------- What is black and white and black and white and black and white andblack and white. A nun rolling down a hill. ----------------------- This is it folks, I hope you liked them and I am increasing this list and will post it periodically if there is a positive responce to this. If you hate religious jokes or think that I am making fun of God or your religion then fine, feel that way but I am not trying to offend anyone living, dead or divine. J. Blatt Little known quote: "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'???????" -Socrates minutes before death


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