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| There Ain't No Justice |
| #56 |
- Nothing Compares to Publicity -
by Mark Blackwell
typed by Zodiac
In a recent issue of SPIN magazine, there is an article about
predidctions of what lies ahead for dear old Sinead O'Connor. I thought it
was hilarious when i saw it and had to type it up. Well, here it is:
"Nothing Compares 2 Publicity"
That nutty Sinead O'Connor sure knows how to stir up trouble! Mark
Blackwell gazed into the crystal ball to make a few predictions about what
the bald beauty might have up her promotional sleeve for '93.
JANUARY 8: To the delight of a Parisian audiance, Sinead's long anticipated
French tour commences with roadies wheeling a life sized porcelin staue of
Jerry Lewis out onto the stage. A riot ensues, however, when Sinead dons
combat fatigues and blasts the statue's head off with a shotgun.
FEBRUARY 27: On tour promoting her new "Sinead Sin Aids", an Anton
LeVey-produces EP of traditional devil worship songs, Sinead startles, an
unsuspection Cleveland audience with a live US inspired satelite hookup of
Charles Manson playing guitar and lending backup vocals to her single,
"yes, i'm the demon child, i am majick" from his prison cell. Only then
does the world notice the eerie resemblance.
MARCH 13: Sinead marches out into Deluth, on stage dressed as Lt. Worf from
ST:TNG, stretches a large black condom over her head and produces the Mona
Lisa (which has been missing since her illfated visit to Paris), and rams
her prophylactic covered bald head into the painting. The audience is
APRIL 23: Not extremely well-versed in '70's American culture, Sinead
discovers "All in the Family" for the first time through a late night rerun
in a Memphis hotel. Highly offended, she issues a terse press release
stating that she is not related to the "racist" Carrol O'Connor. Three days
later, during a "coincidental" encounter in a New Orleans restaurant, she
pours a dish of melted butter in the lap of a perplexed Sally Struthers who
burts out in tear right on cue and slaps Sinead. The two scrapping women
are pried apart and hauled of to jail.
MAY 20: Sinead announces that after a great deal of painful soulsearching
and excrusiating self-examination, she has decided to completely retire
from the entertainmet buisiness and will never make music or tour again.
JUNE 1: Sinead releases her fourth album and announces that, after a great
deal of painful soulsearching and excrusiating self-examination, she has
decided to go on tour one more time-starting the next day. She says she can
call it her "No More Tours" tour. Nobody has the heart to bring up Ozzy
JULY 4: Manhattan's annual parade of tall shipd is interupted by a
mysterious bald woman shouting "You call this independance?!" over a
loudspeaker in a think Irish accent. Sinead, coincidentally in town on
tour, is identified from police sketchers and hauled in for questioning,
but charges are dropped for lack of concrete evidence.
SEPTEMBER 9: PBS viewers are mortified as Sinead ends her live poetry
reading special by ripping up a sketch of 18th centary poet Alexander Pope.
When questioned the next day, she admits that she's always had a problem
with the word "pope".
OCTOBER 2: Jealous of attention focused on punker G.G. Allin, finally out
of prison and primed for his long delayed Halloween suicide show, Sinead
announces that nearly three weeks earlier she will have an abortion live
onstage to protest the 500th annaversary of Columbus's discovery of
America. In tradition, promoters cancel the show when they realize that
Sinead's not only a year late for the annaversary, but is also not
NOVERMBER 10: Sinead, sporting a cowboy hat and what appears to be a John
Wayne mask, is found urinating on the Alamo. Informed by giggling,
unimpressed bystanders that Ozzy Osbourne pulled a similar stunt many years
ago, she hikes up her pants and storms away pissed. The next night onstage
in Dallas, she bites the head off of a bat and blows up a goat.
pirate television hookup meant to interupt the signals of the three major
networks, MTV and CNN, Sinead appears live from Iraq and announces her
engagement to Saddam Hussien. She also flatly states that the world will
come to an end in 19 days and proclaims herself supreme goddess of all
afterlife. As a result of a slight satalite misalignment, however, the
broadcast can be seen only on the Weather Channel.
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