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| There Ain't No Justice |
| #41 |
-The Food Chain -
by Tal Meta
Okay, thats enough.
The time has come for me to make myself known. I'm sure you'll agree that
the time is right.
I've been watching you, you see. Life sure sucks, doesn't it? But I can
make it better. I can take the hurt away. I can give you a life of bliss.
But you have to be willing to do something in return...
Here's the deal. I know how hard it is to have so many decisions to make.
Well, I'm prepared to make them for you. Yes, thats right, I will take away
all those nasty decisions that you've been sweating over, and give you a
life of perpetual ignorant bliss for the rest of eternity.
The first thing I want you to do is to turn on your TV set. Switch the
channels around until you find your local equivelent of the Church Channel.
Listen to anyone who comes on. Send them money if they ask for it. Send
everything you have. Car payments, rent money, the cash you had stashed
away for Christmas presents, all of it. I'll provide you with riches galore
in the afterlife... you don't need to store up any money in this life.
Once you've done that, I want you to get out a Bible. This will become your
emblem. Carry it with you everywhere, but NEVER OPEN IT. Don't attempt to
read it either. Reading will just give you eyestrain, afterall. And you'd
only have to think about whats in there, and we both know that thats not
anything fun to do.
Now that you've done that, I want you to turn on PBS. Wait until you see a
program with some obvious Republicans on it. Study them. Memorize how they
dress, how they part their hair, and listen to how they speak. Tomorrow go
out and buy clothes like that, and get a haircut. And take your Bible with
you! Never allow yourself to be seperated from it!
Later that day, get a 55 gallon drum, and load it with every book,
magazine, and newspaper you have in the house. Then set them all ablaze.
This will be your first direct offering to me. The smell of burning books
will bring us closer together on the spiritual plane. Cancel all your
subscriptions, and tell that obnoxious paperboy to get lost. The Bible is
the only book you need.
Now, you may ask yourself, "Okay, I've done all this... now what?" Fine, go
ahead and do that. Ask yourself. And know that in my perfect love for you,
I am going to provide you with everything you'll need. When you need a
friend to talk to, I'll be there. When you need a bite to eat, I will (thru
a variety of surrogates) provide that too. When you're cold, my love will
You won't have to think. You won't have to work. You can just sit home all
day and send your unemployment checks straight to Pat Robertson, and he, as
one of my annointed servants, will provide for you. And then, when your
life finally ends in some gutter somewhere, I will welcome you into my
home, in Heaven. You and I will dwell together, and I shall teach you to
sing. You will learn songs of praise for the glory of me, and you'll sing
them all the time. And when I grow hungry, I will break off a part of your
soul and devour it.
Whats that you say? Oh yes. I will devour your soul. Its all really
simple... Look, rememeber the Food Chain? Oh yeah, thats right, of course
you don't. Well, look. Plants grow, right? And insects eat the leaves of
the plants. Along comes a frog, who eats the insect. The frog is eaten in
turn by a bird, that falls prey to a cat, that gets eaten by a dog, who
chokes to death on a bone and winds up on Farmer Brown's table. Its all
really simple, see? Lesser lifeforms get eaten by higher lifeforms. And
since I'm *GOD*, the HIGHEST lifeform on the food chain, I am going to eat
your soul. Not all at once, of course, but in pieces, a little here, a
Look, there's no need to get all excited, this was all explained in the
Bible. Why do you think me and Satan were locked in mortal combat over the
souls of mankind? Your species fought over grazing rights and planting
rights for centuries... me and Satan just took millenia to bring our fight
down to cases, is all.
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