There Ain't No Justice Number 035

Master Index Current Directory Index Go to SkepticTank Go to Human Rights activist Keith Henson Go to Scientology cult

Skeptic Tank!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO" OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO' OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO" OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO' OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO |-----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | | | There Ain't No Justice | | | | #35 | | | |-----------------------------------------------------------------------------| - Star White and the Seven Derfs - A Parody in One Act Or Maybe Two or Three by Spartacus ------- ACT I ------- Scene I: The Palace Narrator: Once upon a time, in a land not so far away as one might hope, there was a great and wise king. Well not really. More like a wishy-washy king who happened to be dominated by his great, wise, and voluptuous wife, Queen Pacifa. After some years of this royal couple's reign, Pacifa gave birth to a daughter, Star White, who, through some particularly nasty chance shuffling of genes, inherited the looks of her father, the brains of her father, and all the personal charm of a banana slug. All these traits were further enhanced by a bizarre mental disorder, which caused her to believe she was more than one person. Thankfully it was only a delusion. But one day, the King and Queen went to a movie. A teenaged girl angered about the failure of the advice she was offered in the weekly syndicated column Ask Queen Pacifa stabbed said queen with an icepick, causing a premature and untimely death. Needless to say, the column was canceled. But that was not the worst. The exercise show went too. The King soon remarried, because he found that he could never really think of anything he particularly wanted to do by himself. His new queen was not particularly attractive, not particularly kind, not particularly intelligent, and not really a great cook either. Her only truly extraordinary quality was an almost unbelievable capacity for jealousy. She would not even allow the King to publically address his people for fear that he might cast a lustful eye upon one of the young damsels, or they (beyond belief, certainly!) on him. She was especially jealous of the young Star White for her husband's affections, and always regarded her with the barest tolerance. Now this Queen had a magic mirror which she had received as a wedding present, which she thought would tell her the name of the fairest woman in the land. This mirror had, in actual fact, been carefully constructed by the great wizard Wowbagger the Inordinately Esoteric to lie to her, and, in fact, to name the LEAST fair woman in the land. She used it every morning, intending to kill any woman it named other than herself, because she would be so jealous of that person's beauty. Needless to say, thanks to the great and well-paid Wowbagger, it never caused any casualties. Until, one day... [Curtain rises.] [The stage contains, as its most notable features, and extremely tacky jewelled and inlaid gold throne, and an extremely tacky jewelled and inlaid gold mirror.] [Enter QUEEN. She is wearing an exceptionally tacky jewelled and sequined evening gown, which is just tight enough to allow, or rather force, the unfortunate spectator's eye to follow her unwell-proportioned curves. She sits on the throne and starts to pick her teeth with a fingernail, then stops.] Queen: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? Mirror [speaking in an obnoxious fake British accent]: Star White, Your Highness. Queen: STAR WHITE? THAT LITTLE BITCH? HOW DARE SHE? I'LL KILL HER! WOODSMAN!!!!!! [Enter WOODSMAN, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, has long hair, is smoking a cigarette. He stands in a semi-rigid posture in front of the mirror.] Woodsman [half-hearted]: Yeah, Your Majesty? Queen: I have a job for you. It could mean a lot of money. Woodsman [interested now]: Really? What is it? Queen: I want you to take Star White on a walk in the woods, and when you're sure no one is watching, kill her. Fifty thousand. Woodsman: Make it a hundred grand and it's a deal. Queen: All right. Go! Woodsman: Yes, Your Majesty. [Exit WOODSMAN, hastily.] Queen: It's getting so hard to find good help these days. [Curtain falls.] Scene II: The Woods Narrator: The evil and despicable plan of the Queen was being carried out. The mercenary Woodsman had taken the unsuspecting Star White on a walk through the woods, and had led her beyond all the bounds of civilization. [The curtain rises on a place with a lot of trees. Beyond the trees, there are more trees, moss, more trees, humus, more trees, little furry animal, more trees, one smelly pile of dog shit, and more trees.] [Enter WOODSMAN and STAR WHITE. WOODSMAN is carrying an axe and a boom box and blasting Metallica while smoking a joint. STAR WHITE is wearing baggy jeans and a New Kids T-Shirt, and chatting away at him.] Star White: Well Leslie thinks you're hot, but Monica thinks you're an asshole. Laura is hungry, and she thinks you're a nice guy but she wouldn't want to get involved with you... [WOODSMAN suddenly stops walking, turns off the tape, shifts his grip on the axe. His eyes grow threatening.] Woodsman: Take off your clothes, wench! Star White: Laura is very disappointed in you. Leslie is getting turned on, but she's a very sick little bitch. Monica says she told us so. She also wants to know, what if I don't? Woodsman: I chop ALL of you into little pieces and feed you to the birds! Star White: Oh. [She begins to strip as curtain falls, sparing the audience unnecessary discomfort.] Scene III: The Police Station Narrator: After the evil and insidious woodsman raped Star White, he had intended to kill her. But he tired himself out so much he went right to sleep, whereupon the princess snuck away and ran off to the police. [The curtain rises on a police station. The DISPATCHER sits at an overly large dispatcher's desk made of cheezy fake oak. Atop the desk are two boxes of Dunkin Donuts and a copy of Stephen King's "It". The pages and the bookmark less than a tenth of the way through the book are stained with jelly. The dispatcher himself is too large, breadthwise, for his uniform. His face and fingers are covered with jelly and powdered sugar. He is reading the book half- aloud to himself.] [Enter STAR WHITE, running and with a tear-streaked face. The dispatcher closes the book and wearily looks up.] Dispatcher [bored]: And what can I do for you? Star White: I...I......I've been RAPED!!!! [She breaks down into a continuous stream of disconsolate bawling, grieving for her lost innocence.] Dispatcher: you think you could come back next week? Star White [astounded, momentarily not crying]: WHAT?!?!?!?! Dispatcher: Well, you see...we're in the middle of rounding up a gang of hackers and fone phreaks called the Regiment of Death. So we're kind of short on manpower and have to postpone the routine cases. Star White [still incredulous]: You call a princess getting raped ROUTINE?! Dispatcher: Well...[gets out thick book from behind his desk and opens it to precisely his desired spot] says here in Regulation 144Q Section BB Paragraph 69Z Sentence 5: "If there is a shortage of police manpower, investigation of rape, murder, attempted murder, grand theft, pillaging, armed robbery, assault and battery, assault with a deadly weapon, unlicensed cannabilism and other routine crimes is to be deferred until such shortage is corrected. "Say, would you like a donut? It'll make you feel better." Star White [in hysterics again]: You can just take your damned donut and stick it where the sun don't shine! [She hangs her head and walks out the door.] Dispatcher [looking strangely at donut]: Hmmmm... [Curtain falls.] -------- ACT II -------- Scene I: The Woods Narrator: The Woodsman, upon failing to kill Star White because of succumbing to his own animal (and completely tasteless) drug-induced desires, is hiding in the woods, wandering about searching for her in hope of completing his task. [Curtain rises on the place with trees again.] [Enter WOODSMAN, blasting Motley Crue.] Woodsman: Man, am I pissed. I think I'll take out some of my latent frustrations on this tree. [WOODSMAN begins to chop at the base of the tree with his axe. It soon falls over. WOODSMAN wipes his brow.] Woodsman: Shit, that was one hard tree! [Enter Police Foot Patrol of OFFICER JANET JONES and OFFICER "BADGE" HANKINS.] Jones: Hey, you're under arrest! This is a restricted government forest preserve! Hankins, read him his rights! Hankins: You have the right to remain silent. If you choose not to exercise that right, anything you say may be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to legal counsel. If you are one of the ninety percent of people who cannot afford a lawyer, counsel will be provided for you. Woodsman: Whoa, lady! Are you really a cop? You look too good to be a pig. Officer Jones [with a gun pointed at him]: I'm afraid we'll have to confiscate this axe, this lumber, this boom box, these tapes, your clothes, and any cash you may be carrying as evidence. Pile up all that stuff in front of you, and keep your hands where I can see them. [She speaks into a walkie-talkie.] HQ, send over a car. I've got a 4582913304 out here. [Curtain closes.] Scene II: The Woods Again Narrator: Meanwhile, in a somewhat different part of the woods, Star White wanders about feeling sorry for herselves. [Curtain opens on a scene remarkably similar to the last, except for the fact that overpaid stage hands have moved a few of the trees around. STAR WHITE stands alone in center stage.] Star White: Monica, what can we do? Star White [in a different voice]: I don't know, Laura. Cry some more? Star White [third voice]: Why are you two so upset? We just got some cheap gratuitous sex and you're complaining. What we should be doing now is killing those little furry animals and eating them raw. I suppose you two just have no appreciation for bondage. Star White [first voice, "Laura"]: No we don't. "Monica": Or raw bunny rabbit either. "Leslie": You two are acting like whiny little girls. Shut up, you're giving us a headache! "Laura": I think I hear something coming. "Leslie": So do I. "Monica": Of course you do, stupid. Let's see who it is. Hope it's not that horrible woodsman. "Leslie": Well I didn't think he was all that bad. "Monica": Oh REALLY! [Enter THE SEVEN DERFS: KAOS KIDD, DENNIS FOLEY, SHARK, POSEIDON, BLUE BEETLE, JACK GOOBER, and TUPAC. They are dressed in various clothes that are obnoxiously trendy, obnoxiously ugly, or both. They are skipping clumsily and singing as they walk from downstage left to downstage right, in various keys and tempos:] Seven Derfs: Hi ho Hi ho It's home from work we go [humming] Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho. Kaos Kidd: STOP!! Who's thier? "Monica": Monica. "Leslie": And Leslie. "Laura": And Laura. Who are you? Seven Derfs: We're the Seven Derfs! Kaos Kidd: I'm Kaos Kidd. Dennis Foley: im denis foley Shark: I'm the Shark! Poseidon: I'm the Sysop of bbs, home of NEENet! Blue Beetle: I'm a registered Republican. Goober: I'm Goober. Tupac: Im 2pac. Well Im named after 2pac. "Monica": Nice to meet you. Goober: And what are you doing alone here in the woods? "Laura": Hiding from a woodsman. "Leslie": And our nasty stepmother. Foley: wel yuo coud sta ywith us if yuo becum uor fuk slave Shark: Yeah. Give us sex and you can stay at our cottage. Our sheets will stay REAL white. ,g> Poseidon: You reet! Cum stains aren't white! Dont you read your adult tfiles? Shark: You shouldn't talk you praobably never seen one shithead! Blue Beetle: Stop! Or I'll wirte a letter to Jerry Falwell! Kaos Kidd: Anyway we'll protect you from you're stepmother too. "Leslie": It's a deal! "Monica": No it certainly is not! "Leslie": Yes it is! Shut up! Kaos Kidd: OK, you come with us to the cotage. IF we hurry we can make it thier by sunset. [Exit STAR WHITE and the SEVEN DERFS. Enter OLD FART, carrying a bottle of whiskey. He sees where TUPAC has carved "Fuck you" into a tree.] Old Fart: Dirty-mouthed kids! Don't come back this way again, hear? [Curtain falls as OLD FART takes a swig.] Scene III: Casa de Derfa Narrator: The Seven Derfs guide the fugitive Princess to their very secluded, very private, very graffiti-strewn cottage. [Curtain opens on a scene that would cause an interior decorator to gouge her eyes out in horror. Furniture of various clashing colors, including one wooden chair, one threadbare and faded loveseat that might once have been royal blue, about twelve plastic chairs of multitudinous styles and sizes, a fake oak kitchen table, and a hassock that looks like reason enough to report these folks to the ASPCUF (Anal-retentive Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Unusual Furniture), are stewn about he room in wild disarray. Three computers and a lot of (potato) chips and beer sit on the table. One computer runs the BBS, and is occupied by a guy called Fr00t L00pZ playing one of the most inane versions of Solar Realms ever to be developed. Another, a commie, runs a board once known as Angel's Lair, but now known as Devil's Den. No one is on. The third computer is turned off because no one is around to play Wolfenstein 3D or a Bard's Tale or Ultima that they will never be able to finish, or to look at X-rated GIFs. The keyboard of this computer does not match the case, as the derfs were forced to replace it because of jacking off on it excessively while viewing the aforementioned X-rated Gifs (of which there were 30 megs). There is a stereo in the corner, with a rack full of trendy CDs, including a lot of rap. The speakers are rather medium-sized and abused-looking. Next to the stereo is a rather medium-sized TV with a thick laver of dust on everything but the screen. The wallpaper is elegantly done in polka dots on the east wall, Famous Republican Presidents on the west wall, and stripes on the south wall. One corner of the south wall's wallpaper has peeled back, exposing small pink bunny rabbits on a baby blue background. The north wall looks like it was once biege, but it was going to be repainted. One person apparently started to paint it purple on the right, at the same time as another began to paint it yellow on the left. On seeing this, the purple painter apparently began to repaint his side yellow to match, while the yellow painter started to repaint his side purple. Then they both looked to the side, realized the futility and stupidity of it all, and hung up their brushes each with a wistful sigh. This resulted in a series of rather ragged vertical stripes, in the sequence (from left to right) purple, yellow, beige, canary yellow, off- purple. The original color of the floor's somewhat threadbare carpet is indeterminable because of the profusion of various types of stains. A puddle of coffee sits dangerously near a surge protector. Potato chips, gym socks, unidentifiable hunks of glop from TV dinners, and disgusting little bits of squalid derf underwear are scattered over the forbidding landscape of carpet. Roaches are walking around munching on potato chips and TV dinner goop, and wishing they were big enough to use the clicker. One inquisitive roach is poised squarely on the G key of the computer and is watching raptly as Fr00t L00pZ buys some more Ore Planets.] [Enter the DERFS. All of the roaches and some of the TV dinner segments scatter and disappear into the walls, except for the roach perched on the letter G, who seems to be either in Insect Nirvana or just stoned. The derfs pick up some overturned neon and pastel-colored plastic chairs and sit on them. POSEIDON sits in front of the computer.] KK: WElcome to our humle home. "Monica": It's very nice! "Laura": No it isn't! It's so tacky! "Leslie": It looks like a great place for an orgy! [At this point the entranced roach moves a bit closer to the screen, nestling before the F4 and F5 keys, an expression of roachlike bliss on its roachlike face.] Shark: well were gonna have one!!!1 [At this point POSEIDON breaks into chat with Fr00t L00pz. SHARK and BEETLE start to look over his shoulders.] KK: Narate for us, Pos! Poseidon: I say, "hi!" Posiedon: He says, "D00d! DiD Y0u N0TiC3 tH3 /<-k00l r0aCH 0n tH3 K3YB0ard???/" Poseidon: I say, "how'd you know??/" Poseidon: He says, "W3ll iT Br0K3 iNT0 cHAt wiTH m3. I th0t iT wAZ y0U, bUt i kn0W y0U CAnT sP3ll tHAt w3LL!!!!111!!!@@!@!@12!!1" Poseidon: I f5'd him. KK: Why? Poseidon: I wanna play SRI now! (SRI means Solar Realms Imbecilic) KK: Don't you have to deliver the NEENet! paket now? Poseidon: Oh yeah... [He grabs a disk and goes out the door.] "Laura": What is he doing? KK: He goes out every day on his bicicle to deliver the NEENet! paket on a floppy disk, becaus he can't figure out how to setup FronDoor. "Laura": Whatever... Dennis Foley: wel noww its time for the orjy [KK puts some orgy music on the stereo. He then pulls out of a drawer a device with many dials and switches and lights like a Christmas tree and strange- looking dildolike objects and sheaths of some sort sticking out of it. The word "VebLink" is blazoned across its front in sexy red letters.] ["Monica" tries to say "Oh no! NOW?" and "Leslie" tries to say "Oh really? Now?" at the same time. Since they only have one mouth between them, it comes out as:] Star White: Oh lnielme NOW? [All six horny DERFS, hearing the closest approximation that they want to hear ('Oh, feel me, now...'), come over and start to touch various parts of Star White's underdeveloped anatomy with clumsy and inexperienced hands. The curtain falls as they begin to pull the clothing from her body and "Monica"'s screams of "NO!" alternate with "Leslie"'s cheers of "GANG-BANG! WHEEEEHOOO!" and "Laura"'s yells of "One at a time please! Two at the most!"] -------------- INTERMISSION -------------- During this period one half of the audience will relieve themselves and buy some ridiculously overpriced refreshments, while the other half will storm out to their cars mumbling, drive home, and write a letter to Jerry Falwell, and maybe to a few other morality watchdog bookburning groups for good measure. Gouge the first half for all they are worth and refuse to give the second half their money back no matter how loudly or insistently they demand it. Don't hesitate to call Security; that's the fun part! --------- ACT III --------- Scene I: The Woods Narrator: It was the next morning. Everyone had just gotten some clothes on and eaten an excellent breakfast prepared by KAOS KIDD's chicken which he had derflinked to a skillet and oven so it laid omelettes. The DERFS were now off to work again. Little did they suspect the evil and devious plot that was devised by the QUEEN. [The curtain rises on: guess where...YES! That place with trees! Get yourself a cookie! The overpaid stage hands have moved the trees around again, and it cost way too much. Those damned Teamsters...] [Enter SEVEN DERFS, skipping clumsily and singing.] Seven Derfs (various keys and tempos): Hi ho Hi ho It's off to work we go Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho... [Enter OFFICER JONES and OFFICER HANKINS.] Jones [holding up hand]: STOP! POLICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [KAOS KIDD, who is in front, stops. The other DERFS all pile into him and fall in a heap on the ground. They get up and brush themselves off, looking a bit embarrassed.] Jones: We have received anonymous tip stating that you seven have been engaging in sexual intersourse with a minor. That's statutory rape, a major felony. We'd like you to come down to the station and answer a few questions. Blue Beetle: [A[A[A[B[A[A[C[C[C Jones: Speech doesn't support ANSI, you moron! Foley: wel i didnt fuk no nimor i fuked yuor sis tho so hears a nikel bitch Jones: Don't try that shit, you're fucking with the wrong people. Kaos Kidd: You can't arrest us without evidense! Poseidon [under his breath]: Especially when I didn't get any. Jones: What was that, child? Poseidon: Oh, nothing... Jones: Anyway, I can arrest you anytime and anyway I damn well please. What do you think this is? A free country? Sheesh... Poseidon: Uncle "Badge", you wont arrest me, will you??? Hankins: Why not? Just because you're my nephew? But that's NEPOTISM! They'd arrest ME! I'm taking you in. All of you. Goober: oh no you don't ill fucking kill you!!! [GOOBER advances on JONES. The rest almost simultaneously go for HANKINS. JONES draws her gun and fires into the air. All the DERFS scatter and flee offstage.] Jones: AFTER THEM! CALL FOR REINFORCEMENTS! [Curtain closes on JONES and HANKINS running off the stage at top speed.] SCENE II: The Castle Narrator: While the Seven Derfs were fleeing the cops, the Queen was preparing for the final and ultimate phase of her dastardly, evil, despicable, underhanded, devious, doublecrossing, crooked, immoral, mean, nasty, cruel, disgusting, revolting, atrocious, thanks, I needed that...plan. [Curtain opens on QUEEN in dark, dank, dismal, dim, ill-lit, clammy, underground laboratory. There is a table in the center with a twisted and ridiculously complex arrangement of tubes, vials, test tubes, beakers, stoppers, eyedroppers, cauldrons, bunsen burners, various unidentifiable pieces of mutilated animal flesh, and those funny looking extra pieces you sometimes get in some-assembly-required furniture and such that you can't figure out what to do with, that looks like something out of Loony Toons on acid. Colored liquids, including such nifty things as bat's blood, condensed dragon breath, foot odor in solution, orange juice without the little pieces of stuff that make it seem homemade, dog vaginal juices, tears from a laughing hyena, and a McDonalds milkshake, flow through the apparatus, which includes a chamber full of newts' eyes that the finished mixture runs through (but that's just for taste). The puke green liquid drips out into a tall glass.] Queen: It's almost ready. Now at LAST I can destroy that little bitch Star White! Ah! It's READY! [She turns a knob to stop the dripping, picks up the glass and squeezes a lemon into it, then adds some ice.] Queen: This potion will turn me into an ugly old hag, so no one will EVER recognize me. Star White will never suspect a thing... [She drinks the noxious mixture, which happens to be 50 proof. A puff of smoke billows out around her. Nothing else happens.] Queen: Now to make a delivery. AHAHAHAHA!!!!! [Enter MISCELLANEOUS TOADY.] Miscellaneous Toady: Your Highness, I must report that... Queen: How the hell did you recognize me?!?! I am traveling incognito! Toady: You look the same to me. Queen: Damn. The bat's blood mustn't have been fresh enough. Maybe I used a fruit bat instead of a vampire bat. They're hard to tell apart unless you let one bite you...oh well. No matter. I have the perfect disguise. [She pulls out of her pocket and puts a pair of funny glasses with big eyebrows and a big nose and mustache attached.] Queen [in deep voice]: I am Gordon Harlo, Pez salesman. Toady: Then get the hell out of the palace! We're not interested. [Curtain closes.] Scene III: Outside the Derf Residence Narrator: After straightening things out with the brain-damaged toady, the Queen sets out to do her bloody work as a Pez salesman... [Curtain rises. STAR WHITE is sitting on a rock outside a small graffiti-strewn cottage, reading a challenging academic treatise.] "Laura": See...Jane...rub... "Monica": I think that's "run". "Laura": Oh. "See Jane Run." "Leslie": My turn! See...Dick...cum! "Monica": You are one sick little bitch. "Leslie": So what's your point? "Monica": Anyway it's "run" again. "Leslie": How boring. Running gets you tired, but it's no fun... [Enter SALESMAN.] Salesman: Hello young lady. I'm Gordon Harlo. I'd like to introduce you to the wonders of the new full-automatic Pez dispenser. "Laura": We're not interested. "Monica": Yes we are! I'm hungry. [SALESMAN pulls out what looks like a pistol with Goofy's head on the end.] Salesman: Well then you'll be happy to know that you get free samples. Anyhow, if you flip this switch here you can get 3 Pez per second out of Goofy's mouth. We're working on models with faster firing rates, but this here's the top of the line right now. [SALESMAN flips switch, and about 15 Pez blast out into STAR WHITE's cupped hands.] "Leslie": Wow! Salesman: That's your free sample. Try 'em, there's no quality degradation. "Monica": Oh, thank you! [She begins to chomp the Pez. As she bites the last one, she slumps over.] [Enter JOHN GOOBER. He grabs SALESMAN by the collar.] JG: Hey bastard what the hell are you doing here??? you stay away from her or i'll beat the shit outa you!!!!! [As he shakes her the glasses fall off, revealing the face of the QUEEN.] JG: Holy shit its YOU!!!!!!!! GUYS!!!!! [He gives the secret Weird Bird Call whistle.] Queen: Who'd you think it was, the tooth fairy? Well, she's dead now anyhow. [The other six DERFS sneak out of surrounding undergrowth. KAOS KIDD carries the gun he stole from a cop who left it sitting beside him while he ate a donut. Even most derfs aren't THAT dumb.] JG: Hey K.K., where'd you get that gun? KK: I took it from a cop eating a donut.


E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank