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| There Ain't No Justice |
| #35 |
- Star White and the Seven Derfs -
A Parody in One Act
Or Maybe Two or Three
Scene I: The Palace
Once upon a time, in a land not so far away as one might hope, there
was a great and wise king. Well not really. More like a wishy-washy
king who happened to be dominated by his great, wise, and voluptuous
wife, Queen Pacifa. After some years of this royal couple's reign,
Pacifa gave birth to a daughter, Star White, who, through some
particularly nasty chance shuffling of genes, inherited the looks of
her father, the brains of her father, and all the personal charm of a
banana slug. All these traits were further enhanced by a bizarre
mental disorder, which caused her to believe she was more than one
person. Thankfully it was only a delusion.
But one day, the King and Queen went to a movie. A teenaged girl
angered about the failure of the advice she was offered in the weekly
syndicated column Ask Queen Pacifa stabbed said queen with an icepick,
causing a premature and untimely death. Needless to say, the column was
canceled. But that was not the worst. The exercise show went too.
The King soon remarried, because he found that he could never really
think of anything he particularly wanted to do by himself. His new
queen was not particularly attractive, not particularly kind, not
particularly intelligent, and not really a great cook either. Her only
truly extraordinary quality was an almost unbelievable capacity for
jealousy. She would not even allow the King to publically address his
people for fear that he might cast a lustful eye upon one of the young
damsels, or they (beyond belief, certainly!) on him. She was especially
jealous of the young Star White for her husband's affections, and
always regarded her with the barest tolerance.
Now this Queen had a magic mirror which she had received as a wedding
present, which she thought would tell her the name of the fairest
woman in the land. This mirror had, in actual fact, been carefully
constructed by the great wizard Wowbagger the Inordinately Esoteric
to lie to her, and, in fact, to name the LEAST fair woman in the land.
She used it every morning, intending to kill any woman it named other
than herself, because she would be so jealous of that person's beauty.
Needless to say, thanks to the great and well-paid Wowbagger, it never
caused any casualties. Until, one day...
[The stage contains, as its most notable features, and extremely tacky
jewelled and inlaid gold throne, and an extremely tacky jewelled and inlaid
[Enter QUEEN. She is wearing an exceptionally tacky jewelled and sequined
evening gown, which is just tight enough to allow, or rather force, the
unfortunate spectator's eye to follow her unwell-proportioned curves. She
sits on the throne and starts to pick her teeth with a fingernail, then
Queen: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?
Mirror [speaking in an obnoxious fake British accent]: Star White, Your
Queen: STAR WHITE? THAT LITTLE BITCH? HOW DARE SHE? I'LL KILL HER!
[Enter WOODSMAN, wearing jeans and a T-shirt, has long hair, is smoking a
cigarette. He stands in a semi-rigid posture in front of the mirror.]
Woodsman [half-hearted]: Yeah, Your Majesty?
Queen: I have a job for you. It could mean a lot of money.
Woodsman [interested now]: Really? What is it?
Queen: I want you to take Star White on a walk in the woods, and when
you're sure no one is watching, kill her. Fifty thousand.
Woodsman: Make it a hundred grand and it's a deal.
Queen: All right. Go!
Woodsman: Yes, Your Majesty.
[Exit WOODSMAN, hastily.]
Queen: It's getting so hard to find good help these days.
Scene II: The Woods
The evil and despicable plan of the Queen was being carried out. The
mercenary Woodsman had taken the unsuspecting Star White on a walk
through the woods, and had led her beyond all the bounds of civilization.
[The curtain rises on a place with a lot of trees. Beyond the trees, there
are more trees, moss, more trees, humus, more trees, little furry animal,
more trees, one smelly pile of dog shit, and more trees.]
[Enter WOODSMAN and STAR WHITE. WOODSMAN is carrying an axe and a boom box
and blasting Metallica while smoking a joint. STAR WHITE is wearing baggy
jeans and a New Kids T-Shirt, and chatting away at him.]
Star White: Well Leslie thinks you're hot, but Monica thinks you're an
asshole. Laura is hungry, and she thinks you're a nice guy but she wouldn't
want to get involved with you...
[WOODSMAN suddenly stops walking, turns off the tape, shifts his grip on
the axe. His eyes grow threatening.]
Woodsman: Take off your clothes, wench!
Star White: Laura is very disappointed in you. Leslie is getting turned on,
but she's a very sick little bitch. Monica says she told us so.
She also wants to know, what if I don't?
Woodsman: I chop ALL of you into little pieces and feed you to the birds!
Star White: Oh.
[She begins to strip as curtain falls, sparing the audience unnecessary
Scene III: The Police Station
After the evil and insidious woodsman raped Star White, he had
intended to kill her. But he tired himself out so much he went right
to sleep, whereupon the princess snuck away and ran off to the police.
[The curtain rises on a police station. The DISPATCHER sits at an overly
large dispatcher's desk made of cheezy fake oak. Atop the desk are two
boxes of Dunkin Donuts and a copy of Stephen King's "It". The pages and the
bookmark less than a tenth of the way through the book are stained with
jelly. The dispatcher himself is too large, breadthwise, for his uniform.
His face and fingers are covered with jelly and powdered sugar. He is
reading the book half- aloud to himself.]
[Enter STAR WHITE, running and with a tear-streaked face. The dispatcher
closes the book and wearily looks up.]
Dispatcher [bored]: And what can I do for you?
Star White: I...I......I've been RAPED!!!!
[She breaks down into a continuous stream of disconsolate bawling, grieving
for her lost innocence.]
Dispatcher: Well...do you think you could come back next week?
Star White [astounded, momentarily not crying]: WHAT?!?!?!?!
Dispatcher: Well, you see...we're in the middle of rounding up a gang of
hackers and fone phreaks called the Regiment of Death. So we're
kind of short on manpower and have to postpone the routine
Star White [still incredulous]: You call a princess getting raped ROUTINE?!
Dispatcher: Well...[gets out thick book from behind his desk and opens it
to precisely his desired spot]...it says here in Regulation 144Q
Section BB Paragraph 69Z Sentence 5: "If there is a shortage of
police manpower, investigation of rape, murder, attempted
murder, grand theft, pillaging, armed robbery, assault and
battery, assault with a deadly weapon, unlicensed cannabilism
and other routine crimes is to be deferred until such shortage
is corrected. "Say, would you like a donut? It'll make you feel
Star White [in hysterics again]: You can just take your damned donut and
stick it where the sun don't shine!
[She hangs her head and walks out the door.]
Dispatcher [looking strangely at donut]: Hmmmm...
Scene I: The Woods
The Woodsman, upon failing to kill Star White because of succumbing to
his own animal (and completely tasteless) drug-induced desires, is
hiding in the woods, wandering about searching for her in hope of
completing his task.
[Curtain rises on the place with trees again.]
[Enter WOODSMAN, blasting Motley Crue.]
Woodsman: Man, am I pissed. I think I'll take out some of my latent
frustrations on this tree.
[WOODSMAN begins to chop at the base of the tree with his axe. It soon
falls over. WOODSMAN wipes his brow.]
Woodsman: Shit, that was one hard tree!
[Enter Police Foot Patrol of OFFICER JANET JONES and OFFICER "BADGE"
Jones: Hey, you're under arrest! This is a restricted government forest
preserve! Hankins, read him his rights!
Hankins: You have the right to remain silent. If you choose not to exercise
that right, anything you say may be used against you in a court of
law. You have the right to legal counsel. If you are one of the
ninety percent of people who cannot afford a lawyer, counsel will
be provided for you.
Woodsman: Whoa, lady! Are you really a cop? You look too good to be a pig.
Officer Jones [with a gun pointed at him]: I'm afraid we'll have to
confiscate this axe, this lumber, this boom box, these tapes,
your clothes, and any cash you may be carrying as evidence.
Pile up all that stuff in front of you, and keep your hands
where I can see them.
[She speaks into a walkie-talkie.] HQ, send over a car. I've
got a 4582913304 out here.
Scene II: The Woods Again
Meanwhile, in a somewhat different part of the woods, Star White
wanders about feeling sorry for herselves.
[Curtain opens on a scene remarkably similar to the last, except for the
fact that overpaid stage hands have moved a few of the trees around. STAR
WHITE stands alone in center stage.]
Star White: Monica, what can we do?
Star White [in a different voice]: I don't know, Laura. Cry some more?
Star White [third voice]: Why are you two so upset? We just got some cheap
gratuitous sex and you're complaining. What we should be doing
now is killing those little furry animals and eating them raw. I
suppose you two just have no appreciation for bondage.
Star White [first voice, "Laura"]: No we don't.
"Monica": Or raw bunny rabbit either.
"Leslie": You two are acting like whiny little girls. Shut up, you're
giving us a headache!
"Laura": I think I hear something coming.
"Leslie": So do I.
"Monica": Of course you do, stupid. Let's see who it is. Hope it's not that
"Leslie": Well I didn't think he was all that bad.
"Monica": Oh REALLY!
[Enter THE SEVEN DERFS: KAOS KIDD, DENNIS FOLEY, SHARK, POSEIDON, BLUE
BEETLE, JACK GOOBER, and TUPAC. They are dressed in various clothes that
are obnoxiously trendy, obnoxiously ugly, or both. They are skipping
clumsily and singing as they walk from downstage left to downstage right,
in various keys and tempos:]
Seven Derfs: Hi ho
It's home from work we go
[humming] Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho.
Kaos Kidd: STOP!! Who's thier?
"Leslie": And Leslie.
"Laura": And Laura. Who are you?
Seven Derfs: We're the Seven Derfs!
Kaos Kidd: I'm Kaos Kidd.
Dennis Foley: im denis foley
Shark: I'm the Shark!
Poseidon: I'm the Sysop of bbs, home of NEENet!
Blue Beetle: I'm a registered Republican.
Goober: I'm Goober.
Tupac: Im 2pac. Well Im named after 2pac.
"Monica": Nice to meet you.
Goober: And what are you doing alone here in the woods?
"Laura": Hiding from a woodsman.
"Leslie": And our nasty stepmother.
Foley: wel yuo coud sta ywith us if yuo becum uor fuk slave
Shark: Yeah. Give us sex and you can stay at our cottage. Our sheets will
stay REAL white. ,g>
Poseidon: You reet! Cum stains aren't white! Dont you read your adult
Shark: You shouldn't talk you praobably never seen one shithead!
Blue Beetle: Stop! Or I'll wirte a letter to Jerry Falwell!
Kaos Kidd: Anyway we'll protect you from you're stepmother too.
"Leslie": It's a deal!
"Monica": No it certainly is not!
"Leslie": Yes it is! Shut up!
Kaos Kidd: OK, you come with us to the cotage. IF we hurry we can make it
thier by sunset.
[Exit STAR WHITE and the SEVEN DERFS. Enter OLD FART, carrying a bottle of
whiskey. He sees where TUPAC has carved "Fuck you" into a tree.]
Old Fart: Dirty-mouthed kids! Don't come back this way again, hear?
[Curtain falls as OLD FART takes a swig.]
Scene III: Casa de Derfa
The Seven Derfs guide the fugitive Princess to their very secluded,
very private, very graffiti-strewn cottage.
[Curtain opens on a scene that would cause an interior decorator to gouge
her eyes out in horror. Furniture of various clashing colors, including one
wooden chair, one threadbare and faded loveseat that might once have been
royal blue, about twelve plastic chairs of multitudinous styles and sizes,
a fake oak kitchen table, and a hassock that looks like reason enough to
report these folks to the ASPCUF (Anal-retentive Society for the Prevention
of Cruelty to Unusual Furniture), are stewn about he room in wild disarray.
Three computers and a lot of (potato) chips and beer sit on the table. One
computer runs the BBS, and is occupied by a guy
called Fr00t L00pZ playing one of the most inane versions of Solar Realms
ever to be developed. Another, a commie, runs a board once known as Angel's
Lair, but now known as Devil's Den. No one is on. The third computer is
turned off because no one is around to play Wolfenstein 3D or a Bard's Tale
or Ultima that they will never be able to finish, or to look at X-rated
GIFs. The keyboard of this computer does not match the case, as the derfs
were forced to replace it because of jacking off on it excessively while
viewing the aforementioned X-rated Gifs (of which there were 30 megs).
There is a stereo in the corner, with a rack full of trendy CDs, including
a lot of rap. The speakers are rather medium-sized and abused-looking. Next
to the stereo is a rather medium-sized TV with a thick laver of dust on
everything but the screen. The wallpaper is elegantly done in polka dots on
the east wall, Famous Republican Presidents on the west wall, and stripes
on the south wall. One corner of the south wall's wallpaper has peeled
back, exposing small pink bunny rabbits on a baby blue background. The
north wall looks like it was once biege, but it was going to be repainted.
One person apparently started to paint it purple on the right, at the same
time as another began to paint it yellow on the left. On seeing this, the
purple painter apparently began to repaint his side yellow to match, while
the yellow painter started to repaint his side purple. Then they both
looked to the side, realized the futility and stupidity of it all, and hung
up their brushes each with a wistful sigh. This resulted in a series of
rather ragged vertical stripes, in the sequence (from left to right)
purple, yellow, beige, canary yellow, off- purple. The original color of
the floor's somewhat threadbare carpet is indeterminable because of the
profusion of various types of stains. A puddle of coffee sits dangerously
near a surge protector. Potato chips, gym socks, unidentifiable hunks of
glop from TV dinners, and disgusting little bits of squalid derf underwear
are scattered over the forbidding landscape of carpet. Roaches are walking
around munching on potato chips and TV dinner goop, and wishing they were
big enough to use the clicker. One inquisitive roach is poised squarely on
the G key of the computer and is watching raptly
as Fr00t L00pZ buys some more Ore Planets.]
[Enter the DERFS. All of the roaches and some of the TV dinner segments
scatter and disappear into the walls, except for the roach perched on the
letter G, who seems to be either in Insect Nirvana or just stoned. The
derfs pick up some overturned neon and pastel-colored plastic chairs and
sit on them. POSEIDON sits in front of the
KK: WElcome to our humle home.
"Monica": It's very nice!
"Laura": No it isn't! It's so tacky!
"Leslie": It looks like a great place for an orgy!
[At this point the entranced roach moves a bit closer to the screen,
nestling before the F4 and F5 keys, an expression of roachlike bliss on its
Shark: well were gonna have one!!!1
[At this point POSEIDON breaks into chat with Fr00t L00pz. SHARK and BEETLE
start to look over his shoulders.]
KK: Narate for us, Pos!
Poseidon: I say, "hi!"
Posiedon: He says, "D00d! DiD Y0u N0TiC3 tH3 /<-k00l r0aCH 0n tH3
Poseidon: I say, "how'd you know??/"
Poseidon: He says, "W3ll iT Br0K3 iNT0 cHAt wiTH m3. I th0t iT wAZ y0U, bUt
i kn0W y0U CAnT sP3ll tHAt w3LL!!!!111!!!@@!@!@12!!1"
Poseidon: I f5'd him.
Poseidon: I wanna play SRI now! (SRI means Solar Realms Imbecilic)
KK: Don't you have to deliver the NEENet! paket now?
Poseidon: Oh yeah...
[He grabs a disk and goes out the door.]
"Laura": What is he doing?
KK: He goes out every day on his bicicle to deliver the NEENet! paket on a
floppy disk, becaus he can't figure out how to setup FronDoor.
Dennis Foley: wel noww its time for the orjy
[KK puts some orgy music on the stereo. He then pulls out of a drawer a
device with many dials and switches and lights like a Christmas tree and
strange- looking dildolike objects and sheaths of some sort sticking out of
it. The word "VebLink" is blazoned across its front in sexy red letters.]
["Monica" tries to say "Oh no! NOW?" and "Leslie" tries to say "Oh really?
Now?" at the same time. Since they only have one mouth between them, it
comes out as:]
Star White: Oh lnielme NOW?
[All six horny DERFS, hearing the closest approximation that they want to
hear ('Oh, feel me, now...'), come over and start to touch various parts of
Star White's underdeveloped anatomy with clumsy and inexperienced hands.
The curtain falls as they begin to pull the clothing from her body and
"Monica"'s screams of "NO!" alternate with "Leslie"'s cheers of "GANG-BANG!
WHEEEEHOOO!" and "Laura"'s yells of "One at a time please! Two at the
During this period one half of the audience will relieve themselves and buy
some ridiculously overpriced refreshments, while the other half will storm
out to their cars mumbling, drive home, and write a letter to Jerry
Falwell, and maybe to a few other morality watchdog bookburning groups for
good measure. Gouge the first half for all they are worth and refuse to
give the second half their money back no matter how loudly or insistently
they demand it. Don't hesitate to call Security; that's the fun part!
Scene I: The Woods
It was the next morning. Everyone had just gotten some clothes on and
eaten an excellent breakfast prepared by KAOS KIDD's chicken which he
had derflinked to a skillet and oven so it laid omelettes. The DERFS
were now off to work again. Little did they suspect the evil and
devious plot that was devised by the QUEEN.
[The curtain rises on: guess where...YES! That place with trees! Get
yourself a cookie! The overpaid stage hands have moved the trees around
again, and it cost way too much. Those damned Teamsters...]
[Enter SEVEN DERFS, skipping clumsily and singing.]
Seven Derfs (various keys and tempos): Hi ho
It's off to work we go
Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm
Hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho...
[Enter OFFICER JONES and OFFICER HANKINS.]
Jones [holding up hand]: STOP! POLICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[KAOS KIDD, who is in front, stops. The other DERFS all pile into him and
fall in a heap on the ground. They get up and brush themselves off, looking
a bit embarrassed.]
Jones: We have received anonymous tip stating that you seven have been
engaging in sexual intersourse with a minor. That's statutory rape,
a major felony. We'd like you to come down to the station and answer
a few questions.
Blue Beetle: [A[A[A[B[A[A[C[C[C
Jones: Speech doesn't support ANSI, you moron!
Foley: wel i didnt fuk no nimor i fuked yuor sis tho so hears a nikel bitch
Jones: Don't try that shit, you're fucking with the wrong people.
Kaos Kidd: You can't arrest us without evidense!
Poseidon [under his breath]: Especially when I didn't get any.
Jones: What was that, child?
Poseidon: Oh, nothing...
Jones: Anyway, I can arrest you anytime and anyway I damn well please. What
do you think this is? A free country? Sheesh...
Poseidon: Uncle "Badge", you wont arrest me, will you???
Hankins: Why not? Just because you're my nephew? But that's NEPOTISM!
They'd arrest ME! I'm taking you in. All of you.
Goober: oh no you don't ill fucking kill you!!!
[GOOBER advances on JONES. The rest almost simultaneously go for HANKINS.
JONES draws her gun and fires into the air. All the DERFS scatter and flee
Jones: AFTER THEM! CALL FOR REINFORCEMENTS!
[Curtain closes on JONES and HANKINS running off the stage at top speed.]
SCENE II: The Castle
While the Seven Derfs were fleeing the cops, the Queen was preparing
for the final and ultimate phase of her dastardly, evil, despicable,
underhanded, devious, doublecrossing, crooked, immoral, mean, nasty,
cruel, disgusting, revolting, atrocious, thanks, I needed
[Curtain opens on QUEEN in dark, dank, dismal, dim, ill-lit, clammy,
underground laboratory. There is a table in the center with a
twisted and ridiculously complex arrangement of tubes, vials, test tubes,
beakers, stoppers, eyedroppers, cauldrons, bunsen burners, various
unidentifiable pieces of mutilated animal flesh, and those funny looking
extra pieces you sometimes get in some-assembly-required furniture and such
that you can't figure out what to do with, that looks like something out of
Loony Toons on acid. Colored liquids, including such nifty things as bat's
blood, condensed dragon breath, foot odor in solution, orange juice without
the little pieces of stuff that make it seem homemade, dog vaginal juices,
tears from a laughing hyena, and a McDonalds milkshake, flow through the
apparatus, which includes a chamber full of newts' eyes that the finished
mixture runs through (but that's just for taste). The puke green liquid
drips out into a tall glass.]
Queen: It's almost ready. Now at LAST I can destroy that little bitch Star
White! Ah! It's READY!
[She turns a knob to stop the dripping, picks up the glass and squeezes a
lemon into it, then adds some ice.]
Queen: This potion will turn me into an ugly old hag, so no one will EVER
recognize me. Star White will never suspect a thing...
[She drinks the noxious mixture, which happens to be 50 proof. A puff of
smoke billows out around her. Nothing else happens.]
Queen: Now to make a delivery. AHAHAHAHA!!!!!
[Enter MISCELLANEOUS TOADY.]
Miscellaneous Toady: Your Highness, I must report that...
Queen: How the hell did you recognize me?!?! I am traveling incognito!
Toady: You look the same to me.
Queen: Damn. The bat's blood mustn't have been fresh enough. Maybe I used a
fruit bat instead of a vampire bat. They're hard to tell apart
unless you let one bite you...oh well. No matter. I have the perfect
[She pulls out of her pocket and puts a pair of funny glasses with big
eyebrows and a big nose and mustache attached.]
Queen [in deep voice]: I am Gordon Harlo, Pez salesman.
Toady: Then get the hell out of the palace! We're not interested.
Scene III: Outside the Derf Residence
After straightening things out with the brain-damaged toady, the Queen
sets out to do her bloody work as a Pez salesman...
[Curtain rises. STAR WHITE is sitting on a rock outside a small
graffiti-strewn cottage, reading a challenging academic treatise.]
"Monica": I think that's "run".
"Laura": Oh. "See Jane Run."
"Leslie": My turn! See...Dick...cum!
"Monica": You are one sick little bitch.
"Leslie": So what's your point?
"Monica": Anyway it's "run" again.
"Leslie": How boring. Running gets you tired, but it's no fun...
Salesman: Hello young lady. I'm Gordon Harlo. I'd like to introduce you to
the wonders of the new full-automatic Pez dispenser.
"Laura": We're not interested.
"Monica": Yes we are! I'm hungry.
[SALESMAN pulls out what looks like a pistol with Goofy's head on the end.]
Salesman: Well then you'll be happy to know that you get free samples.
Anyhow, if you flip this switch here you can get 3 Pez per second
out of Goofy's mouth. We're working on models with faster firing
rates, but this here's the top of the line right now.
[SALESMAN flips switch, and about 15 Pez blast out into STAR WHITE's cupped
Salesman: That's your free sample. Try 'em, there's no quality degradation.
"Monica": Oh, thank you!
[She begins to chomp the Pez. As she bites the last one, she slumps over.]
[Enter JOHN GOOBER. He grabs SALESMAN by the collar.]
JG: Hey bastard what the hell are you doing here??? you stay away from her
or i'll beat the shit outa you!!!!!
[As he shakes her the glasses fall off, revealing the face of the QUEEN.]
JG: Holy shit its YOU!!!!!!!! GUYS!!!!!
[He gives the secret Weird Bird Call whistle.]
Queen: Who'd you think it was, the tooth fairy? Well, she's dead now
[The other six DERFS sneak out of surrounding undergrowth. KAOS KIDD
carries the gun he stole from a cop who left it sitting beside him while he
ate a donut. Even most derfs aren't THAT dumb.]
JG: Hey K.K., where'd you get that gun?
KK: I took it from a cop eating a donut.