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| There Ain't No Justice |
| #27 |
- Going Crazy in the Suburbs: 03 -
<] Broken [>
by Hairy Leech
--- saturday night ---
it all makes me want to fucking vomit. i'm sure i've offended someone
already with the word "fuck." well, fuck you. i'll say what i damn well
please. and you can go eat shit if you don't like it. this is my mind, this
is my mouth, these are my opinions. i'll be damned if i can't say what i
like when i like.
you're dead already if you don't. if you constantly have to watch your
tounge, hold your thoughts, you're dead already. you're a waste of air.
you've already become part of the problem.
voice your opinions.
make your own decisions.
stop being one of the numbers.
be a person.
people think i'm crazy. people think i'm "alternative." people think i'm
normal. people think i'm a genious. people think i'm nothing. i don't know
what i am, and i don't care. i'm here, this is now, i'm not going to
question it. i live to change tomorrow. i exist to better the world, if
possible. when i start questioning myself, when i start doubting what i'm
doing here, then i'll be as good as finished.
examine your life. you have no purpose other than what mom & dad & the
guidance councelor & the media tells you. what do you want to do? do you
know? where do you want to go? what do you want out of life? what do you
want to focus your life on?
suicide is like cleaning the clutter off your desk. it's sitting there,
it's not doing anything. no purpose for it. no reason to have it around.
so, get rid of it.
suicide is the clutter throwing itself away.
i've looked at myself, and i've found i have no goal. nothing to work
towards. nothing to set my sights on. nothing. nothing here for me. nothing
i want. nothing i need. nothing i want to do. so i thought, "what good am
i?" and i thought about it. and i was no good. i was nothing. i was a
speck, a piece of shit. and i thought about ending it. thought about
uncluttering the world's desk. and then, then in the blur, i found
something to work for.
so now, now i exist to awaken people. what's my motto? what have i said
thousands of times? "think!"
"some of us wake up, others roll over.. but not i." - public image limited
we are cattle. it's so plain, so open. no one's hiding it. it's just that
no one ever goes and looks. and the ones who do, the ones who do stop and
think about it, the ones who see how much like live-stock we really are,
well. they're all crazy anyhow. they don't know what they're talking about.
lock them up. the rubber-room for them. damned crazy people. always have to
come and ruin my day. always spouting nonsense that i never even stop to
think about. what do they know? they're crazy. better to lock them up, it's
for their own good.
fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
it's not in a bottle. it's not in a needle. you don't smoke it. you don't
eat it. you don't inject it. you don't sniff it, you don't snort it. it's
all up there.. it's all floating around in your head.
i close my eyes and all i see is black. black world, black future.
i don't dream anymore. black. all gone black.
there's this black and white movie running through my brain, i see it over
and over, it's always the same. like old war movies, blood & guts &
explosions & killings & bombed out buildings & nuclear bomb tests & fires..
lots of fires.. and people, people small, frail, no food to eat, sunken
faces, dirty. "people runnin' down the road, skin on fire.." no sound. just
a grinding noise, grinding, grinding.. and a hiss.
saw a program on the "discovery" channel last night at 1am. it was about
the nuclear arms race, how it started, all that good stuff. lots of
thrilling details about how neutron bombs cook living cells, nice footage
of people with radiation sickness, facts on how such-n-such bomb made a
crater approximately 5000 feet deep..
saw a program right after that called "fire power." fuel for the nra gun
nuts. it was all about how the u.s. navy destroyers can blow the living
shit out of things 5 miles away that they can't even see. how they can
launch nuclear missiles and have them strike anywhere in the world and be
within 50 feet of accurate.
we worship destruction.
we practice killing.
we thrive on pain.
we celebrate death.
peace.. peace comes when you are dead. no more fighting. no more struggles.
just black. just nothing.
"our enemies will make nerve gas. so will we.
they squander their wealth on armaments. so will we.
they spy on their own citizens. so will we.
they prevent their people from knowing what they do. so will we.
we will not let our enemies impose their evil ways on us.
we'll do it for them."
the arms race isn't over. it will never be over. there are no enemies left
to fight, so our government will make some up. no winning this race. the
end comes when we obliterate ourselves.
i am male.
i am shy.
i am frail.
i am small.
i am scared.
i am cold.
i am everything that a male is not supposed to be.
"oppression breeds violence." - front line assembly
nazi germany. here and now. watch the news. read a paper. listen to
people's conversations. talk to a policemen about burning the flag, burning
the bible. nazi germany. here and now.
"we live in a world of hate
with no regret a nazi state
a racist dream, a world of hate
with no regret a nazi state" - m.d.c. (millions of dead cops)
send 2 stamps (29 cent) to: "crushed flowers" c/o sarah, 7465 spring lake
road, st. paul, mn 55112. underground press. opinions. believe them. don't
believe them. but atleast think about them before you make up your mind.
i belong in a city. a dark, cold, dirty city.
i feel the disgust writhing and snarling inside me. i need to get out of
here. i need to release some energy before it builds up and shatters me,
rips in in half.
and he said things would change now that i was "involved"..
--- sunday night ---
"the images now flow freely through this fucked up mind.."
i don't belong. not anymore. not now. nowhere. not a part of this society.
not a part of this family. not a member of this coalition. i feel
transparent, like a sheet of glass, no one pays attention, no one looks..
then, suddenly, broken.. smashed, pieces strewn everywhere, nothing makes
sense, no connections, no hope, no chance. strung out a million different
ways, impossible to do anything, no use, no purpose, no nothing.. just
hurt. pain and suffering and violence and hate consuming.. everything, and
everything, and everything, and nothing everywhere..
i sit in this room in near blackness. candles light my way. potpourri
simmers away into nothingness. loud angry music drives me farther into
madness, makes me even more frustrated, feel the pressure on my ears, feel
myself going deaf slowly..
from hairy : one life, please.
the beats mean nothing. the rhythms are equally meaningless. it's just the
screaming, the grinding sounds, the crys unanswered, the pain, the
torture.. it fits. it belongs. it's my partner. it's my co-pilot. it's my
guide to hell and beyond..
"don't let it end, don't let it end, oh please don't ever let it end.."
see my veins buldging out, making ripples in my skin..
"i close my eyes, i realize, we've all become quite tranquilized.."
no matter what i do, it doesn't make me feel complete. it dosen't seem like
i accomplish anything. nothing. just nothing. blank, empty, worthless life.
no past no future and no present. just frustration and self-pity. feel like
a bum in the gutter, nursing a bottle of slow-poison, driving thoughts out
of my beaten mind.
"you may scream, there is no shame.."
beaten. beaten already. never played the game, and it feels like i'm beaten
i despretly need to beat the living shit out of something. it'll end up
being me. atleast if i punish myself, no one can complain.
i don't yell at people when they frustrate me. i don't beat on things when
they don't work. i yell at myself. i beat myself.
blood, slow trickles of red.. dripping, running, flowing away from me.. the
pain and the warm redness go together so well. a perfect pair. to see the
deep red streams, to feel the intense biting pain, it works. it drives it
pain is pure. there is no "artificial" pain. and no matter how much it
hurts, the purity is soothing. calming. good.
"i need something to believe in.."
i'm infected. i'm plagued. i'm doomed to a life of unhappiness and
suffering. and it makes no sense, and it makes so much sense, and it's so
impossible to describe, and it's so hellish to undergo, and it's so.. much.
and it's what i somehow wish for everyone.
unity.. of oppression.
"i believe in torture
i believe in murder
i believe in anger
i believe in hate"
coming apart at the seams, flying apart, diffusion. personality diffusion.
she told me, she knew. i denied it. i thought she was full of shit. i
looked it up, i understood the term. i knew what she meant. and i denied
it. and it's so true. i'm coming unglued and it's all my own doing.
"are you people listening to me?"
damn the government. damn religion. damn the pope. damn god. damn you. damn
amerikkka. damn the world. damn everyone.
i ran half a mile down the street last night. it was a good 40-45 degrees
out. i ran out of the house barefoot, wearing a t-shirt. ran down the road,
as fast as i possibly could, running, driving myself, pushing, fighting,
struggling.. hurt myself good. cut up the bottom of my feet on the street.
froze to death walking back. good.
i've got someone i can talk to. i've got someone who i can say anything to,
and not worry about how they're going to take it. i am more alive than i've
ever been, my mind is all course with emotion..
i look into your eyes..
you see that i am BROKEN.."
i've found peace in misery by having a companion, someone who can share the
urt and understand. so much from so little. so much.. so much.. so much
that it's everything. everywhere. everyone. nothing without it. incomplete
without it. a broken machine.
time ruins everything." - bari
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