There Ain't No Justice Number 017

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*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* *-* *-* *-* *-* *-* TTTTTTTTTT AAAAAA NNNN N J *-* *-* T A A N N N J *-* *-* T AAAAAAAAAA N N N J *-* *-* T A A N N N J J *-* *-* T A A N NNNN JJJJJ *-* *-* *-* *-* There Ain't No Justice *-* *-* #17 *-* *-* *-* *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* *-* Phoenix Modernz Inc. 908/830-8265 *-* *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* - A Parody of Star Trek:The Next Generation - by Mr. Wizzard Date: Stardate 4295.423253434343434343434343 Time: Time is irrelevant in space Scene: Picard and Data are in the Turbo-Lift heading to the bridge. Picard: Data, we're on route to Nebulis III. This is a very important assignment. Do you know the meaning of this? Data: This - (this) pron., pl. these [ME. this, thes < OE. thes, masc., this, neut. < base of demonstrative pron.: see THAT] 1. the person or thing mentioned or understood [this is John, this tastes good] 2. the thing that is nearer than another referred to as "that" [this is larger than that] 3. the less remote in thought of two contrasted things [of the two possibilities, this is more likely than that] 4. the fact, idea, etc. that is being, or is about to be, mentioned, presented, etc. [this convinces us, now hear this] ÄÄÄadj., pl. these 1. designating the person or thing mentioned or understood [this man was John, this pie tastes good] 2. designating the thing that is nearer than the one referred to as "that" [this desk is smaller than that one] 3. designating the less remote in thought of two contrasted things [of the two, this possibility is more likely than that] 4. designating something that is being, or is about to be, mentioned, presented, etc. [hear this song, this fact will convince you] 5. [Colloq.] designating a particular but unspecified person or thing [there's this lady in Iowa] ÄÄadv. to this extent; so [it was this big] Picard: That's not what I meant. I meant do you know the importance of your mission? Data: Indeed Sir I do! I am to teach the Nebulains how to use the supplies we are giving them, otherwise the people might die. (Both exit the turbo-lift and step on to the bridge in their positions) Worf: Sensors are picking up an unidentified object off the starboard bow. Picard: All stations red alert. Picard: Du du du, space the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship, Enterprise on its continuing mission to explore strange new worlds and seek out new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before. Oh cut the crap, everyone knows that we always go to the same old stupid places we usually go. Anyway...... Du Du Du Du Du Du Du Du. (All important people except LaForge are on the bridge) Picard: Open hailing frequencies. Worf: The object is not responding to our hail. Data: It appears to be a Scout ship. It appears as if its shields are up and its weapons are armed. Worf: We are being hailed Captain. Picard: On screen. Nebulain: I am General Yaka Foma, and I demand you surrender your ship at once. Troi: I sense great hostility behind his voice. Yaka: I heard that counselor. Picard: For once in your life, Troi, SHUTUP!!!!! Troi: This is a Federation vessel, I don't remember shutup being one of the orders you can give. Data: Troi is right, Captain. Yaka: Can I speak? Data: Indeed you can, we have already witnessed that, the question is will the Captain let you speak. Yaka: Fine, may I speak? Picard: Proceed. Yaka: You must surrender your ship to me at once or prepare to die. Picard: How can a tiny Scout ship destroy the Enterprise, the ultimate invention, the ship of all ships. Yaka: What is this a commercial for the Enterprise? Anyway, I have my ways. Worf: Sir, five Romulan War Birds are decloaking behind the Scout ship. Picard: Go to red alert. Data: But Sir, we already are at red alert. Picard: Then go to purple alert or something. Data: Purple alert, Sir? Picard: Just forget it. Data: Fine Sir, red alert cancelled, shields lowering and weapons returning to normal. Picard: Now go to red alert. Data: But that would be illogical, we just cancelled red alert. Picard: Do it anyway. Yaka: Yoo Hoo! Anyone home? Data: That depends on what you define as home. If you mean the Enterprise, then yes, otherwise it is impossible to determine. Yaka: Picard, can I shoot that android of yours, Data? Picard: We have considered that option many times before, but we have decided that sometimes he is a valuable member of the crew. Yaka: Of your crew? Picard: No, actually of the enemy's crew, but that's besides the point. Yaka: I will give you twenty seconds to surrender. (15 second later) Picard: Arm phasers, and fire. Producer: Wait a minute, we can't have a battle. Picard: Why not? Producer: Don't you know by now, all the special effects money is spent on perfecting the "warp" technique and losing people in the transporters. Picard: Oh, I forgot. Producer: Try to be more careful from now on. Picard: Ok. Gene Roddenberry: Let them have one battle for old times sake. Yaka: Thank you! Five seconds left Picard. Picard: Fire torpedos. Worf: Sir, torpedos are not armed. You said arm the phasers. Picard: Fire phasers. Data: At What target Sir? Picard: At the Scout ship. Worf: Firing, Sir. Sound effect: Schweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Pcrecrecllllll! Data: The Scout ship is destroyed, Sir. Picard: Fire at all of the Romulans. Worf: Firing, Sir. Sound effect: Schweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Crunch! Data: The Romulans are hailing us with a message. They said they did not appreciate that. Worf: All Romulans at 95% of maximum. Data: They are all firing at us. Sound Effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch! Picard: Engineering, report. LaForge: Shields holding, Captain, but they took a bad beating. Picard: Understood. Data: The Romulans are firing again. Sound effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch! LaForge: Engineering to bridge, the warp engine controls are out, trying to bypass. Picard: Acknowledged Data: The Romulans are hailing us again. Picard: On screen. Data: The transmission is only audible. Picard: Let's hear it. Yaka: Have you had enough yet, Captain? Picard: I thought we killed you when we heard Pcrecrecllllll, and when the Scout ship was destroyed. Yaka: Nah Nah Na Nah Na! I fooled you. Data: Transmission ended, Captain. Picard: What would happen if we tried to warp out of here at Warp 10? Data: Sir, that is unknown. No federation vessel or other can travel that fast. As for the Enterprise it can travel at Warp 9.9. Picard: Data, you just gave me an excellent idea. Jordi, have all of your research team work on getting the impulse engines to fire at the same time as the warp engines enabling us to travel at Warp 10.8. LaForge: Sir, that may cause excessive stretching to the secondary hull. Picard: Come up with a safe way, and then run it through the computer. It's our only chance. LaForge: We'll try, Captain. (Commercial in the year 3011.90) Joe Isuzu: Hi, I'm Joe Isuzu, and I want you to by my Isuzu Trooper today. It is so much better than Toyota's pickup. It only costs $100,000,000,000. Toyota costs $130,000,000,000. (Now back to Star Trek - The Next Generation) Riker: Are you sure it's a wise decision to have Jordi working on such a project. Troi: Riker, I feel great worry coming from the Captain. Riker: That's just great, the wimpy run-away Captain is worried. Maybe he wants his pacifier. Picard: Riker, go to your quarters immediately. Data: Commander Riker cannot report to his quarters at this time. As a Senior Member of this crew his battle station is this bridge. Being we are in a state of red alert, he cannot return to his quarters, he must stay at his battle station. Picard: Fine, stay on the bridge, see if I care. Worf: A strange beam just hit the Enterprise. It seems to be "cutting a hole in the shield." Picard: Ensign Crusher, is this a serious problem? Wesley: Unknown at this time Sir. Data: The beam itself may not be harmful, but if th.... Worf: The Romulans are preparing to fire. Picard: Oh no, not again. Riker: Everyone hold on. Troi: It looks as it is going to hit us, everyone hit the deck. Data: Hit th... Sound effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch! Pooooowwwwwww! Picard: Engineering, report. LaForge: All navigational systems are out, Captain. Worf: Shields are going down, Captain. They are at 20% of maximum. It is as if one Romulan hit us, and another used some sort of weapon to drain our shields. Picard: Data, bypass navigational control. Data: Yes, Captain, but first I must hit the deck. Sound effect: Ping! Data: It appears to be made of metal. What is the purpose of hitting the deck? Picard: Later, Data. Just do what I told you to. Data: Attempting to bypass all navigational controls. LaForge: What? Are you crazy? If he bypasses all navigational controls, and then we fire the impulse engines, we will speed in any direction, of which we have no control. Picard: I think I'll call it the Picard Maneuver. LaForge: Your giving random movement a name? What if we crash into a Romulan? Picard: We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Riker: Is that supposed to be some sort of "sick" pun? Data: Pun? Sir, what is a pun? Riker: Later, Data. Data: Sir, was that a poem you just recited. Riker: No, Data, just shutup. Picard: Picard to Engineering. Is everything ready down there? LaForge: I still think this whole idea is crazy. I ran it through the computer with all gravity accounted for. It said we have a 40% - 70% chance of hitting the planet or another ship. Picard: Why such a big range? LaForge: Well, my eye-piece is malfunctioning. Picard: Have some one fix it. LaForge: Only I can fix it. Picard: But you're blind without it, how can you fix it. LaForge: Exactly my point. Picard: Are you ready? LaForge: I guess as ready as we'll ever be. Picard: Data, have you successfully bypassed the navigation controls? Data: Indeed I have, Sir. Picard: Engage. Wesley: Engaging, Captain. (The Enterprise is heading in an unknown direction, because all directions are irrelevant in space, but it is a direction away from the Romulans.) Riker: We did it. Worf: Not yet, the Romulans are closing on us. Data: Captain, what shall we do? Picard: You want me to decide. Riker: Captain, this is not supposed to be namby-pamby time. Troi: He is right. It is supposed to be wishy-washy time. Riker: Was that an insult. Troi: Maybe. Picard: Riker, Worf, Data, Troi, and LaForge come into my ready-room. Data: Is that wise, considering the situation? Picard: I don't know, but for now, Wesley you have the bridge. Wesley: Fire phasers at the planet. Picard: What are you giving orders for? That's my job. Wesley: You said I had the bridge. Picard: And I meant that. For your birthday you can have the bridge itself, provided you can move it into your quarters. Wesley: Fire phasers anyway Ensign: Firing Sir. Sound effect: Schweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Lt: The planet is hailing us, Sir. Wesley: On ground, or wall, or whatever the Captain usually says. Lt.: I believe it is on screen, Sir. Wesley: Yeah! That's it. On screen. Moorad: This is Moorad, leader of the planet, Nebulis. Wesley: Yeah, like hi dude! Moorad: What was your reasoning behind firing your weapons at our planet? Wesley: Well, like I just had this impulse. It's kind of like real freaky dude. Moorad: Well, good shot, you just destroyed JC Corporation, the place that makes all of the lousy cafeteria food. Wesley: Well, like we don't have to worry none 'bout dem, we have dese tings called food dispensers. They like drop a plate down, en then some mush drops on da pwate. Moorad: No offense, but do you always talk that way? Wesley: No, just after watching the Teenage Mutant Starship Turtles. Ya know the good guys who have warp power. They're always green, so dere easy to find. De eat Dylithium crystals and like dem too. Moorad: That's very fascinating. Wesley: I also like New Kids in the Transporters, except they don't play their instruments themselves. Moorad: I must be going now, tut tut! Wesley: Tut, tut? Lt.: I believe he used to be an Egyptian pharaoh. (Picard's ready room) Data: Why did you call us here? Riker: Yeah, why indeed? Picard: Calm down everyone. LaForge: We have to do something, our shields are almost down to 0, zip, zilch, and you know what that means. Riker: Yes, we don't have to be reminded of that. Picard: Remind me, I can't seem to remember. Riker: I really should relieve you. Picard: Number 6 or 4 or 7 or whatever I call you, I am perfectly able to relieve myself, to boldly go where no man has gone before. Riker: We don't want any sick humor here. Data: No one is sick here. Riker: That's not what I meant, Data. Worf: I say we beam everyone aboard the Romulan ships, and die like true men. Picard: That might just work. Riker: Don't you think that's a little bit drastic. Picard: Indeed it is, but what if ......... LaForge: What if we transport a bomb containing anti-matter on to each ship. That would get rid of them for good. Data: An explosion of anti-matter the size of .000000000000000000000004 mm. would create an explosion with a diameter of 1721748219375643.134956713845437851614578416 miles. Being we are only 12231.1224234 miles from the Romulans that means we would have to cover approximately 1721748219363412.00 miles in .0000000213 seconds. That's 80444082345551460000000.00 miles a second. Picard: Thank you data for your enlightening calculations. Data: Not only that, but the Enterprise at Warp 9.9 can only travel 1000000000000123.92 miles a second, not nearly enough to clear the shock waves of the explosion. Picard: Can you rig up the whosiemwhat to the whatjemacle? LaForge: Yes, but that would only make us go at Warp 10.2 Data: That would still only take us 1030303030303158.00 miles, not nearly enough. Picard: So what? Do it! Riker: Data, do we have any extra weight on board that might slow us down? Troi: Yes you, Will! Picard: Let's not stand around and bicker, let's go do whatever we're supposed to do. (Everyone leaves Picard's ready-room. We are now on the bridge. Dr. Crusher has joined us.) Dr. Crusher: A beam just penetrated through the hull on Deck 1903. It has injured lots of people, so I want more money. Do you realize that I'm getting paid what doctors got paid in the year 2200? That's only $100,000,000,000,000. Picard: Ah, but Bev, money is irrelevant in space. Riker: I've located 10,000,000 lbs. that are worthless to us and can be transported into space. Worf: The Romulans are firing again, Sir. Sound Effect: Scrrrrrrrrunch! Wesley: Deck 44 reports a toilet overflow, but otherwise no damage was incurred. Worf: Yaka is hailing us, Sir. Picard: On screen. Yaka: I demand you surrender your ship at once. Troi: Good idea, beam me aboard. (A beaming ray appears on the bridge, and Troi is suddenly missing. She appears on the screen with Yaka.) Troi: Help me, Help me! Picard: O'Brien, beam her back. O'Brien: There's a problem. When we started beaming, so did the Romulans. One of three things will happen if someone doesn't withdraw their beam: a) Troi will be scattered around the universe, b) The Enterprise will explode, or c) The Romulan ship will explode. Most likely, Troi will be scattered all over the universe. Riker: So, what's wrong with that? Data: He does have a point, Captain. Picard: You're right, and a good one at that! Dr. Crusher: I think it's cruel to treat another human being in that fashion, but being Troi is a betahead or something, I will make an exception in this case. O'Brien: Captain, the Romulans have turned off their transporter and Troi is now safely aboard. (Mumbles are heard from the bridge.) Worf: It appears that the Romulans are again using their strange beam, only this time all of the ships are shooting it at us. Picard: Shields up! Data: Our shields are already up, Captain. Riker: Can't you remember anything Captain? LaForge: The antimatter bomb is ready and I don't think you want it aboard much longer than it has to b... (A Boom is heard in the background and the communication channel goes dead) To be continued... *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* *-* Phoenix Modernz Inc. :908/830-TANJ *-* *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* *-* Modern Textfiles Inc. 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