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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #6 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ Killing "Bob" over and over again each day $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Contents: FREE!! FREE!! FREE K-Y Jelly!!!!!! Another Dobbs Sighting Dobbstown BBS The Jolly Green Trademark An Eschatological Laundry List Door-to-door Religion Salespeople Clench Info For more info, send all your money to: Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- FREE!! FREE!! FREE K-Y Jelly!!!!!! I was with my SO today, while she was purchasing some "feminine supplies" and she showed me the outside of a box of o.b. tampons that had "FREE K-Y Jelly!" Written on the side. Upon closer inspection, I saw the words "(When you call the toll-free # inside.)" Just below it. Being a sucker for toll-free numbers, I promptly ripped the box open, and found the little booklet entitled "Why K-Y Can be Your Tampon's Best Friend." Inside said wonderful little booklet, I found out why. :) Because if you dial this number: **************** *1-800-526-3967* **************** The people at Johnson & Johnson (makers of that find K-Y stuff) "will send you A FREE SAMPLE OF K-Y Personal Lubricant + .50 coupon toward your next purchase + an illustrated booklet on when and why to use K-Y." (Their words, not mine! :) ) So, in case you missed that number, it's: **************** *1-800-526-3967* **************** That's: **************** *1-800-526-3967* **************** Don't delay! Call today! **************** *1-800-526-3967* **************** ...And thank you for your support! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- YEEEEAHAAWW! And kiss my great horned lizard, the One Who Smokes and Walks was sighted in Buffalo on Friday! Us of the Faith and Lubrication were up on the roof, making 'frop sales and rude innuendos to Garth and Joe and Betty and Joe and Bill driving by on the Avenue of the One True Beetle, when we all fell dead from Radiation Burns, though later on it would be reported as "a freak episode of ball lightning". Then YEA! did we see below us a man, a great man walking down the street towards us, pipe with 'frop ablaze, and a smile to kill a rancher. Murmurs fell from the lips of the masses as he aproached. "No...it couldn't be Him...we've only heard tales, and no matter the FistNumber, he wouldn't be HERE...would he?" So the High Priest called down, ""Bob"!", and the head of the One Who Blows No Chunk turned up to look at us and said, "yes". "Is your name "Bob"?" "Yep." The air stood still, yet mountains wept. "Your name is *really* "Bob"? It's *really* You????" "Yep." And then he walked past the writhing heathens, and on his way... Nothing's been quite the same since Dobbs stopped by our temple, but nothin's gonna change the way I clean my ears. Rev. Capt. Devious (SuSpEcT dEvIcE) PS. Rev. 3.0: Kill me, you are blessed! --- CAPTAIN DEVIOUS!!! v061regm@ubvmsd.bitnet "Fuck 'em if they can't take Fnepnfz vf gur bayl v061regm@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu a joke." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs fvta bs vagryyvtrapr Naq Lrnu! Fraq zr gjragl Attn: all SubGeniuses! The qbyynef sbe "Obo"! Cvaxf Shpx Bss!!! *4 LINES!* FCEEEB wants YOU(r money)! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Zowie. If you can call long-distance on someone else's bill, you might want to check this out... Exciting conversations! Titillating discussions with the opposite species! FREE Access. FREE Downloads. WIERD files. NO Call-Back Verification. NO ratios. Wow! Call... DoBBStown BBS!!! (407) 679-3624 300/1200/2400 bps 24 hours a day!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- >>In Australia, they have the Big Pineapple, the Big Banana, a hotel >>shaped like a crocodile... but most tacky of all is the Big Merino, >>a huge, unpainted concrete *sheep* situated somewhere near Goulburn, >>NSW. > >It's what keeps the Jolly Green Giant jolly. What, you thought that's >why he kept Sprout around? Go wash your minds out with soap! Want to know what REALLY makes him Jolly? Read further. Have a weak stomach or are eating dinner? DON'T READ FURTHER! Tastlessness ahead... last warning! (C) 1991 James Parry THE JOLLY GREEN TRADEMARK The Jolly Green Giant was feeling jollier than usual tonight. He gulped down another six gallons of tomato vodka and reached for a refill. He downed it and looked over his Valley. "Ho, ho, hwuuuulllllllppppppp!!!!!!" A giant-sized stream of green vomit arced across the blue sky and landed on the Cauliflower In Real Cheese Sauce. It was ruined, rendered unfit for human consumption. So they relabeled it. -- K. ............................................................................. James "Kibo" Parry kibo@world.std.com Independent graphic designer 271 Dartmouth St. #3D, Boston, MA 02116 specializing in logo and (617) 262-3922 typeface design. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Eschatological Laundry List ==-==============-=======-==== (A partial register of the 927 eternal Truths) ==-=======-========-==-===-===-=======-======= 1. This is it! 2. There are no hidden meanings. 3. You can't get there from here, and besides, there's no place else to go. 4. We are all already dying, and we will be dead for a long time. 5. Nothing lasts. 6. There is no way of getting all you want. 7. You can't have anything unless you let go of it. 8. You only get to keep what you give away. 9. There is no particular reason why you lost out on some things. 10. The world is not necessarily just. Being good often does not pay off and there is no compensation for misfortune. 11. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless. 12. It is a random universe to which we bring meaning. 13. You don't really control anything. 14. You can't make anyone love you. 15. No one else is any stronger or any weaker than anyone else. 16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable. 17. There are no great men. 18. If you have a hero look again: you have diminished yourself in some way. 19. Everyone lies, cheats and pretends (yes, you too, and most certainly, I myself.) 20. All evil is potential vitality in need of transformation. 21. All of you is worth something, if you only own it. 22. Progress is an illusion. 23. Evil can be displaced but never eradicated, as all solutions breed new problems. 24. Yet, it is necessary to keep on struggling toward solutions. 25. Childhood is a nightmare. 26. But it is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself- cause-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 27. Each of us is ultimately alone. 28. The most important things, each man must do for himself. 29. Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 30. We have only ourselves, and one another. That may not be much, but that is all there is. 31. How strange, that so often it all seems worth it. 32. We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge. 33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data. 34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do. 35. No excuses will be accepted. 36. You can run, but you can't hide. 37. It is most important to not run out of scapegoats. 38. We must learn the power of living with our helplessness. 39. The only victory lies in surrender with ourselves. 40. All of the significant battles are waged within the self. 41. You are free to do whatever you like. You need only face the consequences. 42. What do you know...for sure...anyway? 43. Learn to forgive yourself, again and again and again and again... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Door-to-door religion salespeople (was Re: Some wicked ideas!) In article <3JUN91222640@acad3.alaska.edu> fsspr@acad3.alaska.edu writes: >Actually, this isn't about Brother Jed, but I do find neato ways to >annoy Mormon missionaries.... >[story deleted for brevity's sake] This reminds me of something that happened to my friend Fred.... He was living in a mobile home in Alaska. There was a knock on the door. "Hi. We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter-Day Saints, and we'd like know if you'd like to discuss the Bible with us." It was a dull day, so he figured "Why not?" and let the two Mormons in, and proceeded to show them "proper hospitality." With a straight face, he asked them "Can I get you something? Maybe you'd like some coffee? Tea? Perhaps you'd like a Coke?" They of course declined, and the three had a friendly chat for about half an hour. There was another knock on the door. Fred answered, looked at the duo at the door. "Hi! We'd like to chat with you for a few minutes." Fred noticed copies of the "Watchtower" sticking out of their briefcases (read: they were Jehovah's Witnesses) and eagerly invited them in, saying "Come on in! I have two friends I'd like you to meet!" Fred says this is when he decided religion should be a spectator sport. The two pairs went at it for about half an hour, until Fred finally had to step in before they started exchanging blows. ------ Another Fred-and-door-to-door-fundies incident took place just a couple of weeks ago. He now lives in an apartment building in the San Francisco bay area. One of his neighbors warned him that a door-to-door Scientologist was coming around. Well, Fred and I sing in a music group, and he just happened to be working on one of the songs we were doing in our upcoming concert. As he was picking his part out on the guitar, the Scientologist came to the door and engaged him in conversation. The guy asked Fred what he was working on. Fred asked him if he wanted to hear it; the guy (of course) said "Yes!" Fred proceeded to sing, and only got through one verse before the guy started running away. The song: (to "Da Doo Ron Ron") He keeps on writing novels though his life is through It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Some folks say it shows what Dianetics do It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Yeah, his life is through Yeah, what Dianetics do Yeah, when I saw the name It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! He wrote before he founded Scientology It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! But soon he found religion makes bucks easily It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Scientology Makes bucks easily Yeah, Dianetics pays For L. Ron, Ron, Ron! For L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh yeah \ L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! > (sung simultaneously 2x) It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! / Twenty-two best sellers and there's more to come! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Heaven only knows where they're a-comin' from It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Yeah, more books to come Yeah, who knows where from Yeah, this I've gotta see From L. Ron, Ron, Ron! From L. Ron, Ron, Ron! Oh yeah, Oh yeah, Oh yeah* \ L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! > (sung simultaneously 4x) It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! It's L. Ron, Ron, Ron! / *optional ad-libbing done here ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHY NOT! NOW you can join the 13013th Clench of Dobbs Infiminite. Just take two big stacks of dollar bills, pee on one, and mail the other to: Anti-nuke Fnord-spams From Beyond Your Mothers Grave 2500 Howell Branch Rd #353 Winter Park, FL 32792 -------- The New STARK FIST OF REMOVAL magazine is STILL available... 127 Mind-numbing pages of Slack published in breathtaking cheap newsprint that smudges and everything! Lot's o'dogma, short stories, artwork and Things to WANT and BUY. I got a hot copy from Pastor Buck Naked. You'll have to pay, net.pinks! $3.95 + $1 postage to: PO Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214 Yiyiyiyiyiyiyi! -Reverend 3.0 P.S. Coming soon: S.L.A.K.* patches to sew onto your favorite shit-kickin' outfit. (*Subgenius League of Ass Kickers) -------- The latest issue of 3dpsnewS, the Official Newsletter of the 3 Dips Who Are God, is now available! One year ahead of schedule! Send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to: Cattfish 915 W. Wisconsin Ave. #412 Milwaukee, WI 53233-2373 -------- >>By the way, where may one who is seeking enlightenment find the scriptures >>of BoB and other literature of the CotSG? > >The WHOLLY post office box: > >The Church of the SubGenius >P.O.Box 140306 >Dallas TX 75214 > >$1 for a pamphlet, $20 for a church membership and ordainment, and >$10,000 will make you a POPE! Yea, verily, it will change your life! Why since I've become an Overman(tm) I've metamorphosed into a Major Mediacretin Personality (with Xtra Glitz), witnessed (first hand!) a major escalation in the quality *and* quantity of my sex life (are there *really* that many more 18-year-old pom pom girls around these days?) and have so much slack that I usually don't bother to post in alt.esperanto.and.computer.rants. Needless to say, I've also learned to pull the wool over my own eyes. And hers, too. One small corection, though: the $10k should be sent to the following address: "One Step Beyond" c/o KDHX-FM PO Box 63328 St. Louis. Mo. 63163 Thank you. Chuck, the Doge of South St. Louis Sundays, 3 to 6 pm on KDHX, 88.1 FM "Give me liberty or give me death" -- Patrick Henry "Give me slack or kill me" -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs Dioxinville Magical Mystery Clench of the Air, St. Louis ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I walked in to the Burger King the @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ other day, and told the woman at the @@@@@@ @@@@@@ register that I had misdialed Fiji. @@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ She said she couldn't give me instant @@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ credit. I said, "AT&T always did". @@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ She blubbered, "But you're not dealing @@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ with AT&T!" "Well I am NOW!" I said @@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ as I stormed out the door. Then I @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ walked to the nearest pay phone,called @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ the operator and ordered a Whopper. @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ $ $ $ $ $ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ 1 3 0 1 3 @@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ @@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ @@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@ @@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ | @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+- @@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs @@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@ @@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20 @@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY @@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D @@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@ Pen up your Nose! No One is Safe! @@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Send all soiled female underwear to: @@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904 @@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleigh, NC 27622 @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -----------------------------------------------------------------------------


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