CHAPTER 0: TRUTHSTINGER BARRAGE
REPENT! QUIT YOUR JOB! SLACK OFF!!
THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE
(well, no, probably not....but whatever you do, just keep reading!)
ARE WE CONTROLLED BY SECRET FORCES?
Do you ever get the feeling that "free will" is a joke?
DO PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE STRANGE?
Then you may be on the right track!
ARE YOU ABNORMAL?
Then you are probably on the right track!
ARE ALIEN SPACE MONSTERS BRINGING A STARTLING NEW WORLD?
IF you suspect that things are much worse than you ever suspected--
IF the only thing you've been able to laugh at for the last 5 years is
the fact that NOTHING is funny anymore--
IF you sometimes want to collar people on the street and scream that
you're more "different" than they could possibly imagine --
IF you can help us with a donation --
IF you see the whole universe as one vast morbid sense of sick humor --
IF the current 'Age of Progress' seems more like the Dark Ages to you --
IF you are looking for an inherently contradictory religion that will
condone megadegeneracy and yet tell you that you are "above"
everyone else --
THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS
Could save your sanity!
The Book Of The SubGenius TruthStinger Barrage
INSTANT ANSWERS TO EVERYTHING!
Your secrets wishes can be granted in full - once you know what they are!
"You'll PAY to know what you REALLY think." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 1961
NOW, AT LAST!
The step-by-step process is revealed!
THIS IS IT -
-- the only "faith" that promises:
ACTION-- THRILLS-- SUCCESS IN SEX AND BUSINESS!
FEELING LIKE THERE'S JUST NO SLACK?
You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease! ("The sleep
of reason begets monster.") Look to the High Unpredictables of the
Church of the SubGenius for pancultural deprogramming and resynchroniz-
ation! Perfect for your subliminal vision - edit your memory - relive
your reincarnality - SYNC UP! THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now MIRAC-
ULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking, eating, sleeping,
working; end baldness, constipation, sex-money problems, assouliness,
and painful shortage of SLACK!
Become a Doktor of the Forbidden Sciences... make religion a kick-ass
adventure! Indulge in Self-Help through Raising Hell!
Having all the GUILT, but none of the SEX?
"Have intercourse with a Beautiful Live Girl"
DAMN NEAR ANYTHING ELSE!
Thought you'd tried everything? YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET! Learn to
THINK BIG! Develop the tricks of Length Extension! Bring your weirdest
dreams to rampaging LIFE!
Stand erect for your own abnormality. WISE UP! They're out to get you.
The "different" are being silenced by a global conspiracy. WEIRDMEN
ARISE!! Find out who "They" are... and how to SMASH them!
You probably already knew that the U.S. Government is a SHAM - something
propped up there for you to blame. But did you know that the real
"powers that be" are not ever people? That they are actually shambling,
unbelievable, unmentionable, unthinkable THINGS?
YES! Jehovah IS an Alien, and still threatens this planet!
Defy the sinister "Star Forces which mock us all. Evil demons have kept
the truth from humanity for thousands of years - God has been misquoted
all this time! His actual words may disturb you...but "Bob" Dobbs is a
bulwark against the unbearable fear and anxiety tormenting mankind.
"There's No 'Prob'....With "Bob"!"
The Book Of The SubGenius TruthStinger Barrage
"Bob" is a way of life to millions - yet half of them don't even KNOW it!
He is the one true LIVING SLACK MASTER with the spiritual know-how to help
you BASH THROUGH the locked doorway to FINANCIAL HEAVEN. He is the only
real Short-Cut to Slack.
SEE ANOTHER DIMENSION ON YOUR TV
"Bob's" promise is to widen the scope and nature of abnormal behavior...
to explore NEW WAYS of going over the edge and coming back, PLUS to bring
back those who couldn't on their own...to help you create the HIGHEST
POSSIBLE EARNINGS from the PSYCHODYNAMICS OF ABNORMALITY...to turn Con-
spiracy-implanted personality disorders AROUND and channel them into an
ILLUSION OF CREATIVITY that will fool normals and GET YOU SEX!
As you learn more and more reliable, safe methods of Time Control, you
will find your I.Q. increasing - your very cranium will seem to pulsate
from within, barely able to contain the turmoil of glorious new concepts
and mental skills. Soon you'll be able to withstand COMMUNICATION WITH THE
XISTS, our Mentors in Space; you will be ready for TRANSFIGURATION into
a new physical body, a more powerful one, built to contain the surging
mental and material mutations that your brain now generates. YES - become
an OVERMAN, a dangerous and feared superhuman of the future! Yet - because
your SubGenius roots can never be forgotten - you won't abuse your powers,
but instead make them an unstoppable force for GOOD and JUSTICE, choosing
always to defend the oppressed SubGenius, wherever he may be!
The world is a turkey, and "Bob" gives you the carving knife.
Fear THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL no longer! Become PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE -
overnight! Attain STATUS - LUCK - PROSPERITY by blowing them off!
When you join this "Order of the Knights of Wotan," you get big, strong,
impressive muscles...a mastery of fighting skills...good health, an
attractive personality, and, above all, a WEIRD ABILITY TO INFLUENCE
OTHERS! To BEND THEM to your WILL! TOTAL DOMINATION of bosses, teachers,
dates - the job improvement that comes with confidence - INSTANT HIGHER
GRADES or EARNINGS, WITHOUT TRYING!!
You'll learn INCANTATIONS that lead to MASTER of the FISCAL PLANES... the
OCCULT TECHNOLOGY of FINANCE POWER...E-Z ways to borrow money - from
other people who don't have it either!
Achieve SHEER GUT BLOWOUT.
Our "asceticism" consists solely of the abstinence from abstinence. Give
the not giving into of temptation! Think thoughts that no man has ever
dared think before. You CAN learn to recall memories from the past that
you had forgotten - or that never existed at all.
CONTACT ALIENS NOW - both benevolent and evil. They reveal themselves to
the worthy at our Altar of Xist Contact. Attend End o' the World Drills
at our Survival Farms. Learn Body Repair, Frenzy Techniques, and Excre-
meditation. Evaluate and use the so-called "accidents and coincidents" in
your timestream. Perform long, complicated, impressive-looking rituals of
Communionication with the desired sex! At the jungle settlement of
The Book Of The SubGenius TruthStinger Barrage
DOBBSTOWN, skilled Doktors trained by "Bob" himself can give you acubeat-
ing therapy, stress aversion by direct electrical brain stimulation,
breast enlargement through hypnosis, Amnesiastic De-Inhibitional Exp-
erience Erasure, even plastic surgery through Therapeutic Mind-Letting.
Yes, YOU can indulge in SubGeniusment even while maintaining your present
beliefs, practices, and lifestyle - WITHOUT the aid of snide, self-
righteous "teachers" and gurus. Simply acculture yourself to the Church.
You will be isolated, given a new diet, a new set of habits, a different
name and appearance. The now-void brainpan will be refilled with corrected
info and subconsciously implanted ritual experiences. Follow your FOLLIES
and COMPULSIONS and become rich like us.
Explore the "Zen" of stupidity! Channel chronic procrastination into
life-saving paranoia and precise anality! MAKE WASTE!
Find out who your Personal Saviors may be and who are the False Prophets
in your life!
The most 'NO WAY' New Wage religion yet!
Brain-trust of our species...
With the advent of technology, major physical evolution ceases. Thus,
the next viable mutation must be mental - a new mind/world aspect.
WE ARE THAT NEXT TEETERING LUNATIC STEP.
This Contrivative Theology, computer-designed by precise mathematical
formulae to arouse the lowest instincts of the most intelligent and the
highest instincts of the least intelligent, is invaluable to all renegades
who, at any time, are on the Nether Edge of Insanity and can be made whole
only by develop their Wotan-derived seventh sense of Bludgeon Humor.
It is the ultimate secret order for those who "know better" but who
demand in their LUST for GRINS a spectacular, special-effects laden belief
system -'stuporstition.' It is a certified religion of scorn and vengeance
directed at THEM, the enemies of us Outsiders. It is "self help" through
scoffing and blaspheming, frenzied fornication and the Mockery of Graven
Images. The Church provides sure answers and miracles in the service of
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!" - OZ
Has nothing to do with intelligence,
Has nothing to do with race,
Has nothing to do with education,
Has nothing to do with skill,
Has nothing to do with humanity,
"SUBGENIUS" Makes Sense, Has Sense,
Common Sense, Sense of Humor,
Dollars and Cents.
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
The Salted Slug Strange 408-454-9368
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510-527-1662
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
Tomorrow's 0rder of Magnitude Finger_Man 415-961-9315
My Dog Bit Jesus Suzanne D'Fault 510-658-8078
New Dork Sublime Demented Pimiento 415-566-0126
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