The SubGenius Foundation
P.O. Box 140306
Dallas, Texas 75214
A Non-prophet Irreligious Disorganization
(X) Official Business ( ) Surreptitious Business
Dear Fellow Fire-Walker on the Path to "Bob":
First the good news, then the bad news.
The good news is, everything is perfect.
The bad news is, as that quaint little Brazilian rat-boy decal in
the last Stark Fist said so succintly, "IT'S FUCK!"
The good news is, for the last several months, I have actually been
able to answer the mail *personally*.
The bad news is, if I don't resort to a form letter now, I will
literally never get our new book, REVELATION X - THE BOBAPOCRY-PHON,
The good news is, the book is looking to be an INCREDIBLE MASTERPIECE.
The bad news is, we're still on Chaper 3 of 14 chapters, and EVERYTHING
(art included) has to be in by April.
The good news is, I get to work on the Yeti chapter next, which is my
favorite, and besides, nothing could be better than having to work on
a SubGenius book every possible minute. Well, I take that back, heh heh.
The bad news is, I can't take on any other PAYING JOBS (besides quick
2-day devival preachings) until the book is finished--and I'm *in debt*.
(Loud sound effects of pitiful sobbing) Yet I can only work on the book
for short stretches at a time, because there's so much other necessary
stuff to do, like devival organizing, mail answering, phone answering,
request answering, complaint answering, bill avoiding, radio show making
and mailing, distraught member counseling, Moonie-buttsplitting, Bobbie-
hating, law-suit-pursuing, and griping. Not to mention all that "real
life", "family" stuff.
The good news is, the Church of the SubGenius seems to be getting more
infamous by the day; ABC is planning to do a lengthy news segment on us,
which they hope to start shooting at the big New Year's Eve devival in
Dallas at Club No.
The bad news is, the Church has never been so broke, EVER. The Church
company SubGenius Foundation Inc., is heavily in debt; our mail order
sales are a third what they were last year.
The good news is, we're managing to stay on top of getting orders out,
in a timely fashion! (Allow 6 weeks for delivery, THEN gripe!)
The bad news is, roughly one out of ten orders still aren't getting to
our customers once they go into the mail, and the worst part is, we only
know about the disappointed customers who go to the trouble to complain.
The good news is, the next STARK FIST will be half by women, yet it
will be even sicker than the last one!
The bad news is, we can't finish putting that new FIST together until
either we finish the new book, or we run out of copies of the last one,
whichever comes first, and until we can AFFORD it.
The good news is, I DON'T have an aneurysm and I have actual photos of
the inside of my brain.
The bad news is, my brain turned out to be "completely normal" and I
still have to pay for the tests.
The good news is, the original Rev. Buck Naked of the First Naked Church
of the SubGenius and the band "Buck Naked and the Jaybirds" is alive and
well; the singer who was shot and killed last month in San Francisco was
one of the "false Buck Nakeds" who copped Buck's name and got more famous
than he did.
The bad news is, there's still another false "Buck Naked" alive.
The good news is, the Church is so famous that the Canadian radio host,
Bob Dean, aka "Bob Marshall", has released a counterfeit SubGenius album
"BOB'S MEDIA ECOLOGY" produced by the totally unapologetic Nelson Thall)
on which he paraphrases Marshall MacLuhan but calls himself Bob Dobbs, uses
our jargon, claims he started the Church, etc. They never asked permission,
they never offered us $, they didn't even give us credit. In fact, Dean
tells people that he's the original "Bob" Dobbs and that we stole the Church
idea from him "way back in 1987." It's the first time we've ever even had
to think about suing anybody, but it's a very clear case of copyright and
trademark infringement. If we let this Letterman-type geek get away with
it, what next? A "Wacky SubGenius Hour starring John Candy as "Bob",
produced by Aaron Spelling?
The bad news is, they operate out of Toronto, Canada, and we will have
to pursue the lawsuit in Canadian courts, which we can't afford unless a
Toronto SubGenius lawyer steps forth to help us out. Both Dean and Thall
know that, and so far are just LAUGHING at us, because both are RICH BOYS,
while we are (temporarily, god damn it!) DIRT-FUCKING-POOR. Thall's
family owns several Canadian newspapers, he told me. He was bragging to
me about how he was being paid as a consultant by the Bush campaign.
The good news is, we can prevent any American distribution of the
album, and we can blacken their names in the art world forever simply by
telling the plain, ungarnished truth.
The bad news is, that costs money too. Therefore we would really
appreciate your helping to spread the word far and wide as possible about
just what these smarmy pseudo-intellectual Pinks - RICH Pinks - have done
to us. Bob Dean has never returned any of *my* calls or letters; maybe he'd
like to hear from *you*, though at xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I know he'd *love* to sell you a "Bob Dobbs" CD. (Nah, one of you would get
us in trouble...)
The good news is, the Hour of Slack radio show is now in 17 cities, and
has never benefitted from so many cerebrum-cleaving taped contributions!
And the Puzzling Evidence/Dr. Howl show is still heard over most of
Northern California (KPFA, 94.1 FM, 4:30am Saturdays)
The bad news is, our equipment is falling apart, we can only charge
stations $5 per show, the stations are slow to pay, and its becoming more
and more difficult to send out FREE copies to contributors! (Yet we shall
nobly strive to do so!)
The good news is, we have received the tape, artwork, letter, article,
or bulldada you sent us, and thought it was WONDERFUL, and put it in the
appropriate "TO USE" stack.
The bad news is, if I try to personally thank each and every one of you,
and give a lot of feedback, I will never get anything else done.
The good news is, ARISE is being distributed by Polygram Video now, and
any video store can order it if they don't have it. (Note: ANY store,
anywhere in the world, that says they can't order our Simon & Schuster
books or our Polygram video, is LYING.)
The bad news is, the big video rental chains won't touch it (its obscure,
yet its not a bad woman-slasher horror film), and Polygram keeps saying
they can't tell us how many copies have been sold, or how much money
we might be owed, despite visits by our agent, contract in hand.
The good news, our friends at NEGATIVLAND, after being sued by Island/U2
and then screwed by supposedly 'alternative' SST Records, managed to get
a wonderful book & CD package out that told the whole horrible true story
of their victimization by the Big Music Conspiracy.
The bad news is, SST Records JUST THIS WEEK sued Negativland for all the
money they will ever possibly make, and just like us with this Bob Dean/
Media Ecology thing, they can't afford a court lawyer.
It is the SHAMELESSNESS with which the Conspiracy glorps stab you in
the back that continues to astound even me. It's like, they're PROUD
when they screw the little guy. They're OPENLY swinish. It's part of
their self-image. They brag about it to each other. They get together
over drinks and make jokes about how easy it is to fuck these stupid
artist types. They really do; I've sat in on conversations like that.
Dean and Thall are probably doing it right now. (Maybe you can tell I
get a little upset when I think of those guys.)
The good news is, we have lots of new products for sale, especially
tapes, posters, and videos.
The bad news is, the SubGeniuses are all too broke to buy any of it.
The good news is, a bunch of us got to preach and/or jam at about 10
fairly "big," well-publicized devivals over the last year--such great
"new" co-preachers as Sister Mary Squared Au Contraire, Father Joe Mama,
Sister Velveteen Sly, Sister Melodious Chopps, Sister Suzy the Floozy,
Princess Wei R. Doe (Queen of ALL the UFOs), and the Devil Biker Babes
of Cleveland (Yes, the Church does have a new 'onstage image', HUBBA
HUBBA!!) Not to mention Original Apostles like Pope Sternodox, St.
Janor Hypercleats, St. G. Gordon Gordon, Dr. Philo Drummond and The
Swinging Love Corpses! (Larger shows included the Chicago World SubCon,
the Atlanta Phenomicon, the Cleveland Smart Bar "Rant 'n Raves", the
London devival with B.P. WOW, Starwood in New York, and Winterstar in
Ohio. All were videotaped with multiple cameras, so we can eventually
assemble that "GREAT SUBGENIUS MOMENTS" best-of-video.
The bad news is, there's only two devivals scheduled for '93 so far:
Winterstar in rural Ohio, Feb. 25, and Buffalo on April 2. Maybe
Boca Raton in March. And, *I can't edit more video until I finish
The good news is, I have the power to SHUT DOWN THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION
ANY TIME I WANT TO, and just FINISH THE DAMN BOOKS and SAY "FUCK IT" to
ALL THE REST. I remind myself of that CONSTANTLY.
The bad news is, somebody who actually IS mean and dishonest would
fill the SubGenius Foundation niche faster than you can say "Kill "Bob"",
and the "Bob" would be embarrassed, and would KILL ME. Oh, somebody
else could probably make it a lot more PROFITABLE...but really, do you
think you would get the Slack you need from the likes of BOB (Dean's)
MEDIA ECOLOGY? So don't worry, dear friends... we may be sloppy as
hell, but we're with you to the BITTER END...the bitter end of the
PINKS, THAT IS!!
The good news is,
Rev. Ivan Stang
P.S. Merry Xist-Mass-Landing and a Happy 5 B.X.
[The Dallas show was GREAT! We had BIG FUN!!]