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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$ Praise "Bob" Or Kill me. $$$$$$ $$$$ Issue #3 $$$$$ Contents: Updated Pledge Barbeque of Doom The Book of SHAG PHILOsophy of the day New Clench For more info, send all your money to: Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coined by Rodney Ward, a man well known and... well, not exactly loved, by the University of California Police, Berkeley Precinct {smirk} I PLEDGE A MILLION TO THE FUND OF THE AMERICAN SPHERE OF INFLUENCE, AND TO THE REPUBLICANS FOR WHOM WE SCAM. ONE NATION, UNDERFED, INDEFENSIBLE, WITH LIBERTY FOR JUST US OVER ALL. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- BAR-BE-QUE OF DOOM (a space age love story) She led him into the bedroom with a smile on her lip. "Aha! Good easy buttsex!" he thought lackadaisically. "Good thing I brought my penis!" he chuckled to himself. "What?" she asked, momentarily unsure of the situation. After all, he wasn't good looking, what with a cleft head and all. "Oh, nothing!" he said with a toothy grin. "No, really, what?" she said aging. "Oh, I was just glad I brought this." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a swollen ivory fist. "ooooh, ahhhh," she grunted. "That's good, because I brought THIS!" she reached into her pouch and pulled out a disfigured foot. "This will be fun! Just like you promised in your ad!" he blurted. She drew him down onto the futon. He lay back, but something pricked him in the back. "Ack! What's this?!?" he articulated, pulling a huge mandible out from under the covers. "Oh, don't worry yourself with that, love. Look at this?" she said thrusting her cat in his face. "What!" "Oh, woops. I mean this?" she said, shoving her face in his face. "Hm." he thought, "she has a weird face." In fact, she had a huge wiry hair coming out of her tooth. She kissed him with restrained abandon. The way her hair tickled his esophagus really excited his pulsating fist. "Watch this!" he whispered lewdly, hoping to turn her on. He friskily fluttered his eyeflap at her lap, which groaned restlessly with a torpid passion. "Do me!" she said sarcastically. She rolled over and spread her cheeks in a very ladylike fashion, which reminded him of Princess Di or Al Sharpton. He drew out his ivory fist and paused. She reached back and handed him some tarry looking substance with bits of meat and bone in it. He lubricated the fist thoughtfully and gingerly rammed it home. She cried for more while he increased the tempo of his plunging stroked her well- formed placenta until she climaxed. A thick and soupy sludge emerged from her sternum with tired irony. "oh you're so good!" she sighed. He removed the fist and she rolled over, gasping for nitrogen. He pensively caressed her lungbag with his good stump. Suddenly, she hit him in the head with the disfigured foot. "Ngsfll!" he screamed. "What'd you do that for?!?" "That tickled, " she countered with disdainful flatulence as she careened his cleft cranium again. "Snit!" he cried as his tooth flew from his sweaty mouth. "C'mere lover. Do me right!" She threw him back against the bed and straddled him. He smiled in spite of the blood flowing from his gums. Suddenly, a three fingered appendage quickly emerged from her gaping vaginal orifice to grab his manhood. It dropped the leg and then correctly pulled the pulsating pecker into the. "Hi-yah!" he screamed wildly. She held him down w/ all of her arms. "Smanch Snig Fnortgobbel Shit!" she screamed. Her jaws opened to a monstrous proportion and ripped off his lips with her suction leg. Amidst all of his screaming and wild gyrating, he strangley thought, "hm. funny I never noticed those suction legs." That was the last thought he ever thought, though, because she then opened her vagina and sucked him in, where a small creature inside efficiently dismembered his cerebellum. "Thanks, Dad." said the creature inside as it absorbed the flesh voraciously. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE BOOK OF SHAG Heed my words, oh miniscule and pulchritudinous ones. Hear and heed, you who do not fellatiate, and you who know not the meaning of the great and high remex. The end is near. You must heed and follow the things I will speak unto you, the words of the great gods, the god of the windowshade, the god of the distributor cap, the god of the blue bikini underwear and most importantly the god of the dead japanese beetle somewhere on the campus of rutgers university. By heeding these words, you will improve the gas mileage of your car, enter into a new age of harmony, peace, happiness, and belgian waffles. Bring things home each day and not pay for them until next september, and make sure that your life is sanctioned and guarded by the great race of aliens which will land any day now in Starkville Mississippi and revolutionise the way you wash dishes. Be sure to not be left out when all human males become obsolete as females flock to the alien males and their new, improved, user-friendly genitalia mark five systems! You must make your genitalia blue, anointing it with indigo. Anoint also your ears, your nose, the back of your neck, and the fourth toe of each foot, the most holy of all toes. I speak to you of the coming of the greater race. You shall know them by their stature, by their countenance, by their language, unlike any that man has ever heard, and by their sexual prowess. Behold, they shall land in a small town, Starkille, and shall walk the earth among the children, and you shall not know them. Many will say in those days, "The gods are walking the earth, the gods are walking the earth," but they shall be scoffed upon and spit upon and fucked hard by prostitutes in cheap motels then bankrupted by the media. But you will pay them no attention and merely stop sending your donations. But then, the greater race will reveal themselves in all their glory for all mankind to see. The truth will be known, and the truth will be that mankind has not paid their lease and is being evicted, a new race takes over the planet, please move the furniture out and clean the carpeting before you leave. Behold a wonder: your children and their children shall mate, producing a better race yet, but you, the unbelievers, shall be sentenced to 40 time units of wandering in the outer dust clouds of the andromeda sector aboard a tiny spaceship called the minnow. So, lo, woe, yo, repent while you still are young on an archaelogic scale. The world must be saved by the horrors that are low-density disks, AM radio, and non-FOX television. You must learn to live without processed spinach products, to wean your children on their father's milk,. and to accept that power strips and LSD are things of the past. Synthesise your offspring carefully so that when the time of the great choosing comes, your sons and daughters may be chosen by the greater race to participate in furthering their race, in the strange ritual of the cosmic fuck, the antithesis of the hells of knowledge, riches, and power, the fulfillment of the postmodern dream of red lights, t-squares, and paint blotches. Prepare yourselves for the day of the final inkblot judgement, wherein all shall be tested for blot and blood type. In that day, some will say, "verily, it is an aston-martin, in O positive." To those, the coming one will say, "farewell, you were never a phlebotomist, just a prick, depart from here into an eternity of dimness and cheap paperback novels and genuine IBM computers." But in that fateful day, some will say, "truly, it is two schnauzers chasing a naked woman, in AB negative." To those, the coming one will say, "come, join me at the cosmic sock hop, you are one of my own, you will live an eternity of free drinks and beautiful tragically hip waifs." For I have been spoken these things by the angels of light, hermetic seals, and the small purple man painted on my wall, who read them from the great platinum plates upon which they were inscribed from the supernatural force of the great god of the cunny, who swallows all things for the better of his followers. I have seen the light, I have been enlightened, I speak the truth to you, heed it and save your lives and those of your fellow neighbour's wife and your neighbour's ass, or do not hear my words, and turn a deaf ear to them, and forever suffer in this meaningless existance. The gods have spoken, I have written, and the pen, having writ, runs out of ink, on this, the next to the last of the last days... -The Book of Shag- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street. @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and @@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped @@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened. @@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ @@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious @@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town @@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force. @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud @@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment. @@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ @@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@ @@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ @@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs @@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@ @@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20 @@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY @@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: fuck it, man...just gimme da bread Keywords: CASH! MONEY! SLACK! ah, feh. Anyone who's got their head to bleed enough, send me a dollar for cool stuff, two bucks for stuff that sucks the skin off, but leaves your warts intack, five bucks for tapes of my tea parties with the xists, and $500,000 for a limb of your choice. Or just send me a stamp. Reverend Suspect Device P.O. Box 156 Amherst, NY 14216 ALL ONE! Shit, guys...just piss in an envelope and I'll be in raptures. Put a check in though. And if you can handle the extra postage, slip in the most nubile female available. Or livestock - we're not picky. SNAP INTO IT! -- Rev. Suspect Device v061regm@ubvmsd.bitnet "Fuck 'em if they can't take Fnepnfz vf gur bayl v061regm@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu a joke." - J.R. "Bob" Dobbs fvta bs vagryyvtrapr Naq Lrnu! Fraq zr gjragl Attn: all SubGeniuses! The qbyynef sbe "Obo"! Cvaxf Shpx Bss!!! *4 LINES!* FCEEEB wants YOU(r money)!


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