$O$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$T$$$$$L$$
$Y$$$$$$$$$$ News #26 $$$$$$N$$$N$$
$$$$S$O$$$ The Road of Excess leads to the Palace of Wisdom $$$$$$A$$$$
MAGNUM OPUS CON 9 SPECIAL EDITION Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
PO Box 30904, Raleigh NC 27622
TOTAL BULLSHIT AWARD for the month of March goes to:
MCI for their "Wow it's hot!" hotline. Is this what subscribers are
paying for? CALL 1-800-969-4874 for your free "fun warming sounds" today
Upcoming Devivals -
Portland Pilgrimage - X-DAY (July 5) 1994 for Dokstok. Send $1 and SASE
to Nenslo, Box 86582, Portland, OR 97286. [But what we really want to
know is-- will TONYA be there????????]
Dragon Con, July 15-17, Atlanta Hilton. Rants by Stang, Susie the Floozy,
with the Swinging Love Corpses. One of the problems with DragonCon is
the perception, at least among the hardcore people, is that its becoming
much too sanitized and commercialized. THIS SHOULD HELP TURN THE TIDE.
Most, if not all, of the 92 Phenomicon crowd should be there. For info
write Dragon Con, PO Box 47696, Atlanta GA 30362-0696
Starwood - July 19-24 - Brushwood Folk Center, Sherman NY. This is part
of a much larger event.
Radio - Listen to the Hour of Slack on: WFMU at midnight on Mondays,
KPFT Houston on Thursday nights from midnight to 3am for "Monster
Island Beach Party" with Pope Charles.
[Cartoons in text version only]
Divinely Inspired Comics
**** A-Bomb #2 - Lots of very explicit, manga-style adult
cartoons. Why is it that the characters in so many of these
stories are drawn in "Archies" style? Maybe there's a message
there... Plus, a couple of gender-bending stories by Donna
Barr. This series is better than a stack of Aircel's, although
not as intense as Cherry or Demi. Venus Comics.
*** Bangs and the Gang #1 - After the high-school sitcom is
cancelled, Bangs is nearly gang-banged by the entire cast. She
escapes, only to unintentionally go from one scandalous orgy to
the next. Extremely explicit, with stories done by Felipe Gru,
Chuck Austen of "Strips", and more. Shhwing Comics.
*** Beavis & Butthead #3 - Escaped convicts are no match for
the boys, as the bad guys become entangled in the dangerous
chaos of Burger World. Plus, they wreck Home Economics class
while making brownies. The pranks page is a review of standard
bathroom gags, like M-80s, plastic wrap, etc. Marvel Comics.
**** The Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Prequel to the "Mishkin
File", by Kim and Simon Deitch. This one follows the story of
early cartoon animators, and the tragic story of Ted Mishkin,
in their unmistakable style. These stories really do evoke the
wonder of watching cartoons as a young kid. Fantagraphics
*** Buck Godot #2 - In this outer-space adventure, Buck is a
large, rough humanoid employed as a bodyguard. At a party at
the space station, Buck destroys a robot auctioning information
among humanity's enemies, and prepares for a riot at the main
ceremony. Drawn by Phil Foglio, Palliard Press
**** Crap #3 - Milton meets the drag queen who hosts the
low-budget horror movie show, interviews him, and gets to know
why female impersonators do it, and how they feel about it.
Plus, Milton gets the chance to break down some of his
roommates' hangups and misconceptions. Plus, a neat comic
telling all about the great northwest, and the people there.
*** Duplex Planet Illustrated #6 - An interesting, but tame,
set of stream-of- consciousness stories by David Greenberger,
with artwork by Moriarty, Wayno, and others. I liked the
one-page "Baldness", and "What's More Important- Romance or
Food?". Some stories are a bit repetitive. Fantagraphics Books
*** Adventures of Fat Freddy's Cat, book 1 - Lots of fairly
old, but still good, tales of the original
cat-with-an-attitude, and his scatological revenge on those who
abuse him. Rip Off Press.
*** Insomnia - by Andrew Moran - A man who hasn't been able to
sleep for 17 years drives across the country to seek medical
help. Along the way, he buys a doll which turns out to be a
real, live girl, whom he rescued from abuse. After resolving
past problems, he gets relief. Fantagraphics Books
**** Jim vol 2 #1 - Theseare a couple of great -and long-
stories from JIm Woodring. The first one, in color, is an
adventure with the disgusting and repulsive Manhog. After
receiving a nasty head injury, he is tortured by hallucinations
and disfigures himself in a fit of stupidity. The book is well
worth it for this story alone. The other story is one of Jim's
dreams, of a hard-luck artist on a temple construction
project. Fantagraphics Books
*** Negative Burn #8 - One of my favorites of this series, it
has several Classics Desecrated, plus Boneshaker III, Mr.
Mamoulian, and other stories. "Little Neil in Slumberland" by
James Owen is neat. Caliber Press.
**** Negative Burn #9 - Nope, this one is the best. Every
story in it is hard-hitting and great, from "Dominique- Size"
to the "Twilight People", and much more. With sketchbook by
Dave Dorman, there is more -and better- material in this one
than any other. Caliber Press.
*** Post Brothers #35 - The truth finally comes out - Jeri was
the one who erased Russ's tapes, and Boche was the one who
actually killed her father. Also, alien mutants break into the
warehouse, seeking revenge on Ron, and Big Ed removes all his
safety spells on Bugtown as revenge on Russ. Rip Off Press
*** Pressed Tongue #1 - by Dave Cooper - This comic reminds me
a lot of Crumb's style, along with the disgusting characters.
A perverted building super who spies on all the tenants with
hidden cameras finds that one couples baby's shit will cure his
gross sores. Fantagraphics Books.
** Radioactive Man #2 - This is a spoof on super-heroes, using
Simpson's characters. Homer is the Radioactive Man, and Bart
is his sidekick, Fallout Boy. Although the story is filled
with some sly and subtle jokes, perhaps the best part is the
inside-cover parody of all those ads in old comics peddling
x-ray glasses, spy telescopes and other junk. Bongo Comics.
*** Real Stuff #16 - continues with Dennis Eichhorn's real-life
adventures, as drawn by different artists. This one has part 2
of the Wild Man Fisher story, fraternity pranks, drunken
teenage scrapes with the law (by Chester Brown & Sook-Yin Lee)
and Vancouver BC eco-terrorists. Although the one story tended
to glorify the environmentalists blowing up factories and
attacking various non-politically-correct targets, they look
like little more than left-wing Nazis to me. Good stories,
though. Fantagraphics Books
*** Ren & Stimpy #18 - R&S go to war; when surrounded by enemy
troops, Ren uses a secret weapon: Stimpy's belches and farts.
After capturing all the enemy troops, they are rewarded with an
awful chicken comic in a USO show, which they can't escape no
matter how hard they try. Also in this issue, Powdered Toast
Man, meets the girl of his dreams, the Weezi-Bake Oven Girl.
Nearly as many ads as there are story pages in this issue.
** Sally Forth #3 - An amusing story, but for an Eros comic,
its long on story and short on erotica- which consists of a
large-but-gravity-defying-breasted woman getting her clothes
destroyed as often as possible. A tiny republic is building a
robot army to conquer the world, and an army group, with Sally,
is sent in to investigate. Eros Comics
*** Spotlight on the Genius that is Joe Sacco - this is an
anthology of Joe's earlier works, most of which were printed in
smaller, forgotten collections. There's a variety of different
stories, including the Edwin Smallcabbage story that ran in
Suburban High Life. A few gems in here. Fantagraphics Books
** War Sluts #1 - Actually, there's a pretty good story to it-
in an alternate Reality, WWII never ended, and a german
biological program backfired- creating a race of super-strong
and powerful valkyries. Naturally, they are blonde,
large-breasted, and scantily clad, as one of the Slut Fleet
heroes goes to the moon to retrive an artifact. The action
could be a bit more credible, and the artwork didn't do that
much for me. Pretty Graphic Comix.
*** Vamperotica #1 - 3 stories for those who want more than the
subtle erotica in the original story. Hot stories, although
not too explicit, with some interesting plot twists, but
basically its variations on the theme of: vampire girl meets
guy, screws guy, and drinks his blood. Brainstorm Comics.
ZINES sacrificed to the Sacred PO Box
Asylum for Shut-Ins #2 - The direct, church-approved
continuation of the High Weirdness by Mail concept, continues
with its second awe-inspiring issue. Great rant-like reviews of
organizations that deserve it (I've even used AFA material in
*exactly* the same way myself...) They list all sorts of
political/religious/conspiracy/etc. groups that take themselves
and their worldviews a bit too seriously, plus great
publications, catalogs, music, and updates to HWbM listings.
This is a must-have. $9/year, $10 in Canada.
>>>>>>>> PO Box 46581, Bedford OH 44146 <<<<<<<<<<
Ambassador Report - I don't know how in hell these people got
my address, but their newsletter was fun anyway. It turns out
that one of the latest slackless "churches", namely Herbert
Armstrong's Worldwide Church of God (you know- the ones who run
that doom-and-gloom "The World Tomorrow" show), is splintering
into a zillion different sects, each with its own view toward
controversial doctrine issues large and small. Not surprising-
this is even happening to the Scientologists. The newsletter
goes on to list page after page of schizmed groups and their
antics, including one whose minister received a "prophecy" that
the local BMW dealer was going to donate a car. They didn't.
Tons of unintentional yuks here. No price listed, PO Box
60068, Pasadena, CA 91116
The Bureau of Control - They sent a couple of great pamphlets -
the first is a GREAT little SubGenius tract made up to look
just like one of Jack Chick's. Every page is filled with
inspirational graphics and mind-opening dialogue. The other
one, "State of the Art", is a long and scathing look at the
crap that makes up modern "art", and the mindset that goes with
it, juxtaposed with Army biological warfare educational
material. I liked the Chinese Hell money too, probably from
Archie McPhee. 18210 Blanchmont, Houston TX 77058
Bovine Gazette vol. 2 #9 - In a tribute to Heidi Fleiss, this
issue has a couple of articles looking into what kind of women
are prostitutes, and what kind of men are likely to seek their
services. It really reveals how fucked-up the standard
"morality" is toward such people. Plus, a long "Adventures of
Prof. Slug" cartoon, and a couple of others. $1 or $5/6 issues
from Mad Dog Productions, PO Box 2263, Pasadena CA 91102
DystOpinion #16 - by Wangifesto Press, reviews and articles
from the Seattle perspective. Everything from bands, comics,
zines, and books are reviewed. They do a very insightful
comparison of two of my favorite comic artists, Dan Clowes &
Peter Bagge. I can definitely agree with the hostility toward
the "corporate" mentality creeping into the "alternative" or
"underground" scene, but be careful of the "slave to
anti-fashion" trap. PO Box 45622, Seattle, WA 98145-0622 or
firstname.lastname@example.org. Lots of stuff not seen anywhere else.
Lost Armadillos in Heat - This is a zine put out by a whole
bunch of people in Austin, Texas, which, if you've ever been
there, is quite unlike any other place in Texas. This is a
neat place, with great bars (the Dog & Duck was fantastic) and
fun people. This is also where Slacker was filmed. This zine
is a collection of rants, articles, various columns, and lots
of cartoons covering just about the whole scene. $2 from 1113
W. 31st Street, Austin,TX 78705, or $8/year. More fun than the
bats under the Congress St. Bridge.
Prometheus Books - Spring/Summer catalog - The skeptics
resource, and no topic is beyond examination. This one
highlights books which take a critical look at whether "sports
builds characters", police psychics, fundamentalist
disinformation over the separation between church and state,
and lots of other social/personal development issues. Plus,
they have the X-Rated Videotape Guide IV, which is a great
resource for porno lovers. 59 John Glenn Drive, Buffalo NY
14228-2197 or call 24 hours at 800-421-0351.
Smite #2 - A great small zine that does what I'd like to see
more of, stories that dig beneath our most valued cultural
icons to see what kind of slime and sleaze might REALLY lurk
just below the surface. This issues articles on Harvey comics
(the theory of Casper the Ghost actually being the kidnapped
and murdered child of Charles Lindburgh makes a lot of sense),
Barbi's master race, society's unsung savior Norm Peterson, and
getting fired from horrible jobs are great. Thanks for the
kind words about HToMC too. Send $1 or $10/year to Smite, PO
Box 624, Diboll, TX 75941.
Stay Free! - Lots of articles from the Chapel Hill scene.
Interviews with Versus, the Grifter, plus tons of music
reviews, and fun articles round out this issue. I expecially
liked the Adbusters article on the front. Write to PO Box 702,
Chapel Hill NC 27514 or email@example.com
Trash #14 - Of the various Chapel Hill street zines, this is
probably one of the best. Much better record/band reviews, plus
much more imaginative articles. The cover story reminds us that
the Republicans who are giving Clinton a much- deserved hard
time are no good guys themselves, lest we forget all of their
scumbag antics in the 80s. Plus, the GREAT cartoons T-Square
and Mickey Death. $7/6 issues from 405 E. Main St. Carrboro,
NC 27510 (Videodrome)
Trigger Cut #6 - Being up out by Ohio high school students,
this zine perhaps isn't as flat-out intense of a zine as some
people like (Karma Lapel was a bit unfair in their pan, IMHO)
but for people coming to grips with the state of the world, I
think they're doing ok. Record reviews, articles, poetry,
commentary, stories, and silliness makes it a fun read. No
price listed, but send a buck or two. PO Box 891, North
Olmsted, OH 44070
A NEW LO;
EVERYBODY INTO THE MEME POOL!
by Chuck Hammill
Copyright (c) 1992 by Chuck Hammill
All Rights Reserved
Sub-orbital runs from the Third World are always the most fun.
Every passenger has just stepped out of a Mach 20 tin can which,
two hours ago, was parked on a tarmac on the other side of the planet.
Each one of them paid enough for his ticket to buy a thousand bicycles
or a hundred horses for his countrymen whose only option is the
Mach .005 of footpower. So it's not that difficult to raise their
entropy level a notch or two.
They tend to divide pretty much into two groups: government officials
and just-plain-rich, and if you can tell which is which, that's frequently
a useful bit of data.
Three just-rich. Husband, wife, teenage son taking it all in.
Obviously first time this far from home. OK.
"Hey, buddy, c'mere. Check this out." I pop a chip into the goggles
and offer them. "Tell me you see this kind of V.R. every day at home.
Keeps walking. No interest. Didn't really expect any.
"You a gambling man?" I ask, continuing to walk alongside. "My
five thousand dollars against your ten bucks. Watch one minute, and
you won't want to take them off until the program is over."
Sees my certified credchip for five kilobucks. Breaks stride.
You don't get super-rich by passing up sweetheart deals, and five grand
for a couple minutes' effort is a respectable wage. Especially if you
can take it off an obnoxious hustler. Stops to listen.
"Ordinary Virtual Reality goggles. No hardwire to the pleasure center
or anywhere else in the grayware, so if your God or your government thinks
that's naughty, save it. Nothing to do with what's happening here. There
will be signals broadcast out at radio frequencies, and applied at skin
contacts, but only in the nano-to-microwatt level everybody's been using
forever. And of course, the goggles do receive EEG patterns, and the
program modifies itself based on what your brain is doing. Fair enough?"
Looks at the goggles. Satisfied.
"The program on this chip runs about five minutes. You agree to
keep your eyes open and to watch for at least the first minute. After
that, you can win the bet on the spot, just by taking the goggles off.
My wager is that you will in fact keep them on until the very uttermost
photon has whacked your retina and the screens go dark--even though you
know that you will thereby lose. That's it."
Agreement. Program begins. After the initial minute I remind him
that his time is up, he can take off the goggles now and pocket the 5K.
Remind at two minutes. Brief snarl to shut the hell up. Otherwise
as motionless as a zombie falling thru an event horizon. Remind once more
at three minutes. Looks dangerous. Back away. Wife and son were offering
"Take them off!" counsel, but have now shut up and have also backed away.
The five minutes elapse. He loses. Am not surprised.
Finally takes off goggles. Disoriented. Inquires, "Are not such things
as this illegal?"
"Oooooh! Illeeeeeegal! Oh, help me Mr. Policeman: This evil criminal
is hurting me and violating my rights because his hardware's running an
illeeeeegal pattern of ones and zeroes! Make him stop! Pleeeeeze! Help me,
Mr. Lawmaker: Draw us up a list of which of the 1024 by 1024 by sixteen
bloody million possible bit patterns are illeeeeeegal--like you had a
fuckin' clue about the technology you're trying to control at government
gunpoint--and pleeeeeze tell us which of the two to the power one gig ways
of filling our memory chips we can use without going to jail for doing something
illeeeeeegal . . .
"It's a genuine pity that the phrase 'Congress shall make no law'
is so fuckin' ambiguous that those guys can't figure out what they're
allowed to do, but, I guess it is, and so there we are.
"Oh . . . and ain't it a weird co-inkydinky that public-key cryptography
got hot almost exactly when my government started--and here you must forgive
a gross crudeness, but it is absolutely essential to describe the precise
nature of the deed--when my government started to blatantly, clearly, repeatedly
wipe its ass in public with the First and the Fourth Amendments to the
Constitution that is supposed to protect its citizens?
"Almost makes you think of the walnut-brained dinosaurs getting a monster
meteor up the wazoo right when the faster-smarter mammals needed a break,
"Oh, thank you, Illuminati! Thank you so bloody much! Sure took
your fuckin' time about it, though, didn't you? Or were you gonna wait
'til they repeal the goddamn Constitution outright and your baby pictures on a
bearskin rug get you shot dead as a child pornographer and there are guys
in Red Square carrying signs WILL BUILD NUKES FOR FOOD and poor Harry
Bergeron gets blown away by a bitch with a twelve-gauge and you gotta piss
in a bottle to mail a letter and you need a fuckin' Class 3 Federal
Firearms License to buy a box of .22s? Federal Firearms License up your
ass, man. You ask my girlfriend real nice and she'll tell you where to buy
The Finest Energy Weapons in the Known Universe for 10% on the dollar, and
they'll even take those worthless obsolete pictures of Weishaupt which, for
obvious reasons, nobody else this side of Andromeda will take.
"Hey B.A.T.F.: F.U.! I don't keep guns in my house any more. They're too
dangerous to have around. 'Cause I might trip over 'em when runnin'
to dial 1-900-BIGBANG on the fuckin' ansible, for hot nonlocal noncausal
phone sex with the nymphets who work the superluminal lines . . ."
Definitely having an effect on them. Speaking very loudly now,
and seem to be drawing a crowd. Immediate audience is freaking somewhat.
"Seriously, though, there are a few places on the planet where
people actually hallucinate that political control of information is still
remotely possible. So I've got two separate ways to turn that chip into twenty
gigs of flatline-zeroes, on a microsecond's notice, if I had to. Haven't had
to in a long time. Most places where the average computer uses silicon instead
of beads-on-a-fuckin'-stick gave up the idea of prison for bit-patterns
about the same time they gave up their laws against consciousness-altering
"But, hey, I've taken enough of your time. Here's my card. Modem
or voice me if you ever want to see again pixels like you just did.
In any case, welcome to my country, and have a great time while you're
here." Shake his hand, kiss hers, and palm a chip into the son's. Works
for one run only of What His Father Saw and then overwrites itself with
polemic to make him think, and crypto software to let him keep his thoughts
private. Plus my modem and voice numbers.
So, ten bucks in, one chip out. I'm ahead enough to buy a drink.
* * * *
Her first time was with me, you know. Sun-dappled days at camp,
naked among the wildflowers. Like puppies frolicking in the grass. That
made her very special in my eyes, and that's why I always felt kind
of protective toward her.
I think sometimes she thought that I was kind of nerdy and a "brain,"
as they called them then. Not "her type." She wasn't really into intellectual
pursuits. That's OK, Lo. You don't have to be. Not you. You were fantastic,
Lo. Never forget you, Lo.
We remained great friends and stayed in touch after she went back to
Ramsdale. We'd exchange letters and talk on the phone about all kinds of
things, but mostly I remember Lo was always having boyfriend problems.
"Like, he is just soooooo possessive, you know?" she would go on.
"I mean, OK, he takes me on cross-country trips, right? And, like, he
buys me lotsa nice presents. But, Jeez, he's got all these rules,
you know? He doesn't want me dating other guys. I can't smoke, I can't
do amateur theater, I can't do this, I can't do that. I mean, honestly,
he treats me like a child! I don't need this."
I'd try to sympathize, of course, but it wasn't easy, because I still
carried a torch for her myself.
"You know, Lo, sometimes in a relationship, one partner keeps growing
when the other has stopped. Maybe you're going through changes that he can't."
"Like growing breasts, you mean?" she'd giggle.
She knew I still wanted her, the tantalizin' little tease. But just
Well, she ultimately dumps this boyfriend in favor of another guy
who is rich and famous and who lets her do anything she wants. He uses
his influence to try to get her into motion pictures, but she proves
to be a "difficult" actress due to unwillingness to take direction,
friction with others in the cast, etc. And again she's unhappy about
the relationship: This time she wants an exclusive commitment, but
he wants to be able to see other girls besides her. She forces the issue,
and they break up.
* * * *
Where are you hiding, Dolores Haze?
In your silicon circuitry, snoozin'?
Let me turn on your pixels in sixty-nine ways--
Your end-user's hot for some usin'. . .
* * * *
I lost touch with Lo for a while when I went into the Army.
Officers' Candidate School. Manhattan Project. Heavy-duty computer
simulations of all kinds of things. They offered me incredible Access
to Toys. At that time, the Project had carte blanche for men and materiel.
Lots of slack. Open loop. Implosions and Krytrons and Booms, oh my!
* * * *
MESSAGE BEGINS Best advice is to cross as many state lines as you can
with her, then blow away her other boyfriend in the middle of his own
fuckin' party. 3 Billable hours, $750, Please remit. Clarence Choate
Clark, Attorney at Law MESSAGE ENDS
* * * *
I finally hear again from with Lo, only to discover that she has gotten
married, is now hugely puffed up and pregnant, and awaiting delivery in
some Alaskan nowhere called Grey Star, having driven cross-country with
hubby from Coalmont.
* * * *
MESSAGE BEGINS Do we have anybody on the ground in Alaska? MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS Negative. MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS Get in touch with the crazy bastard we sometimes use and
see if he's available. MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS Affirmative. Scrounging occasional merc work thru
Weapon Shops of Isher and Weapons 'R' Us, but nothing doing right now.
MESSAGE BEGINS Tell the fat fool the story and ask how many dollars
to go to Grey Star, Alaska and stand by and await instructions. MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS Says he knows Lo. They lived together for few weeks when she
was bumming around USA. Just cover expenses. He will do for free.
MESSAGE BEGINS Proceed to Grey Star, Alaska and evaluate general state
and availability of medical care. Do not attempt contact at this time.
MESSAGE BEGINS Jesus Christ, it's easy to die here. Some of them are
still using fuckin' leeches and chipped-flint knives. What do you
want me to do? MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS Conduct black-bag ops on every doctor and med facility
in Grey Star and vicinity looking for records of any pre-natal tests or
treatment for Dolores Haze or Dolores Schiller. Also check first name Lolita.
Fifty thousand dollars cash plus ID as "Key Civilian Employee" of the
Manhattan Project enroute to you; hire any local talent necessary.
Pilot making delivery will await your disposition to conduct similar
ops in Coalmont. Go. MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS No record any medical treatment of Dolores or Lolita Haze or
Dolores or Lolita Schiller in Grey Star or vicinity. Flying to Coalmont.
MESSAGE BEGINS No record any medical treatment in Coalmont or vicinity.
Who the fuck's in charge in that twosome? MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS Grounded outside Coalmont due to major engine troubles.
Pilot says parts unavailable for one week minimum. Says there's a war on.
Unable to return to Grey Star. Advise. MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS You ain't even got half that much time. There's a
childbirth on. We're looking at a Christmas Day delivery.
We got into this thing awful goddamn late. Stand by. MESSAGE ENDS
* * * *
Let's boot up--I'll jack in--sweet 'Lectronic Lo,
Let me nibble your attribute bytes.
Ne'er has a nanonymphet beckoned so,
Giving wirehead! Erotic delights!
* * * *
MESSAGE BEGINS Your passenger is chief scientist of Nanonymphonics
Corporation, prime contractor to the Manhattan Project. He is traveling
on the direct orders of the President of the United States on a matter
affecting national security. You are to render him every repeat every
possible assistance. Do not detain or question him. He is authorized
to carry arms, to pass in and out of restricted areas and to requisition
materiel of any description, including weapons, aircraft, surface-, or
watercraft and any necessary support personnel. If he should be killed
or wounded or should request any assistance which you cannot immediately
provide, notify at once your unit's Top Secret Control Officer. FOR THE
COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF: Charlie Holmes, 2Lt, Manhattan Project MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS OK, they'll give you anything you need. You get your
hardware, I'll take care of my end. Line up enough people and weapons
to secure and hold a hospital, then get your ass back to Grey Star.
What do we know about OB/GYNs there? MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS Hospital? OB/GYN? Sorry you ain't familiar with how we
peasants live, but the nearest hospital is at an Army base a hundred
miles away. People give birth at home, or they go stay with some biddy
who sells fuckin' snake heads and casts hexes when she ain't birthin'
babies. Sometimes, can get GP. Don't bet on it. Suggest I return now
to Grey Star and get men and equipment locally as needed. MESSAGE ENDS
MESSAGE BEGINS Concur. MESSAGE ENDS
* * * *
Couple of ChiCom bureaucrats. Very impressive that they've managed
to hold it together with over a billion beings under one authority into
the twenty-first century. Hell, maybe I should buy these guys a drink
--try and pick their brains a little.
"God bless you, my friends. Jesus loves you. 'Bob' loves you.
Gimme a dollar."
They just keep walking. Veterans of airports, apparently.
"Oh, do not turn away from me, my friends. The Eye in the Triangle has
given a sly wink to that tantalizin', teasin' girl-Goddess Eris Discordia,
and the forces of chaos are on the march! Gimme a dollar."
Walking faster now.
"My friends, there are rumors that, even while we speak, the Discordians
are designing circuit boards that will interface your telephone to the crypto
program in your PC and are planning to put the schematics out as free soft-
ware! Were it not for the power of great Cthulhu and his minions, this hor-
rible blasphemy might even have occurred back during the Twentieth Century!
Do you understand what I am saying, my friends? Do you? Gimme a dollar."
"You can even have your choice of one of these stupid flowers, or a
chip with the phone numbers of ten thousand bulletin boards and fax
machines throughout China, and the on-chip digitized engineering
drawings for a submachine gun you can make out of scrap metal and
old woks! Gimme a dollar."
One of them finally does stuff a dollar bill into my hand.
"A million-dollar-bill! Oh, thank you, my friends, thank you!
Your generosity will be rewarded, I promise you. Since you gentlemen
seem to be in a hurry, I won't hold you up. I'll just take a million of
the chips and airdrop 'em over Tien An Men Square. You can pick one
up when you get home. Praise 'Bob!' Cthulhu fhtagn! Have a nice day."
The bureaucrats continue to run, even faster than before.
I turn and head for the bar.
I join a good friend and two ladies there. Since the ladies appear
quite young, at first the bartender refuses to serve them.
Various documents are produced, and I can overhear the phrase,
" . . . not only fire you but close down this whole fuckin' airport . . ."
Shortly all four of us are cheerfully imbibing.
* * * *
"Mr. Schiller, Please sit down. I'm afraid I have to speak to you
about your wife and child."
"Well, the point spread is 5 1/2, but I think they can cover it."
Forgot. Deaf and not too bright. Jesus Christ Almighty, what a
Christmas Day this has been. Losing it.
Shouting: "Listen to me: The bitch bought it. The brat bought it.
By the time we found them and the butcher hobgoblin you had selected to
kill them, all we could do was bag and tag the fuckin' corpses. But when
I also find over two thousand dollars in cash!"--throw it at him--"while
ransackin' your place--"I become convinced that you did not drag a nine-month-
pregnant girl to this godforsaken wilderness out of economic necessity, but
apparently out of being just too fuckin' stupid to know how to take care
of somebody who was younger and softer and gentler, and who ended up
stretched out cold on a slab because she trusted you to make her decisions."
* * * *
Silicon is forever, Dolores Haze,
Come sit on my interface.
When Earth starts to craze in the end-time days,
We'll be loving each other in space.
* * * *
Obviously, given the value of simstim royalties, the only way I could
possibly show a profit on a ten-buck-for-a-chip deal is if I paid no royalties
at all and just counted the chip at its raw silicon value. Which is true.
For a couple of very good reasons, one of which being that the idea for the
Artificial Intelligence capability was mine.
Very big business. Hundreds of megabucks. Next couple years, gonna be
in the gigabucks.
And I own half of it.
* * * *
Cyberpunk, cyberpunk, there they are,
Dolores Haze and her lovers:
Fifty million guys 'neath a yellow star,
Sleep with holograms under the covers.
* * * *
Virtual Valerie's long in the tooth,
Ellie Dee's a plain cyber-slut harlot.
'Lectronic Lolita, I tell you the truth,
You're my fav'rite A.I. V.R. starlet.
* * * *
It's called Occam's Electric Razor: Never attribute to malice that
which can be adequately explained by stupidity. Makes life more fun,
avoids Armageddon sometimes. You oughtta try it. You were fantastic,
Lo. Never forget you, Lo.
* * * *
Way too close to the truth. We almost lost her. Honest to
Christ, we almost lost her. My God.
Remember: almost. Only almost. Lo is OK. Girl-child is OK.
Gave birth on the chopper enroute to hospital. Better than the
snake pit they found her in--but there were complications.
Lo almost died. Thank you, God, that she didn't. Thank you, God,
Lo is OK. Now nursing daughter in the Army hospital.
Couple deep breaths. Pull it together. Lo is OK. I gotta let this
asshole live, I guess. Lo is OK.
Planned to fake deaths of mother and child anyway, but did originally
intend more tactful treatment toward "bereaved."
Get it done. Lo is OK.
"Mr. Schiller, the bodies of both mother and child were unfortunately
burned beyond recognition in the fire." (Which I started.)
"The Army will pay for the damages and for a closed-casket funeral."
(Then you can go back home and diddle one of your six-toed cousins under
whatever goddamn rock you crawled out from.)
"I am going to go wait for my chopper. My little Chum here"--unholster,
point in air, not at him--"can print the whole clip into K5 at 50 feet, so I
suggest you stay at least that far away from me 'til it comes. You want to
talk about anything, look for a chubby merc packing better hardware than
this pissant .32. Talk to him."
Lo is OK.
* * * *
MESSAGE BEGINS The Italian navigator has reached the new world,
but the natives killed him and killed everybody with him and set
his boat on fire and nobody can put it out and oh my God it's starting
to MESSAGE ENDS
* * * *
Decided not to send it. Afraid it might actually croak the
cousin-bangin' Bolshevik right on the spot.
* * * *
Faked my own death, using bug-out plan set up before joining Army in
first place. Having great time with Lo. Merc says Lolita2 will
probably break a lot of hearts in a dozen years.
* * * *
Longevity drugs. Artificial Intelligence. Kept classified until
impossible to deny any longer.
* * * *
MESSAGE BEGINS When exactly do I get to Know My Own Goddess? I mean,
like, are we talking Earth???? This millenium??? What?? You were
fantastic, Lo. Never forget you, Lo. MESSAGE ENDS
* * * *
Let me shower you with goodies, Dolores Haze,
Gigabytes for your memory banks.
Would you like some new circuits? 440 - 3 phase?
I love how you wire me your thanks.
* * * *
The bad parts are over for you, Lo. You hung in this far from the
Primal Singularity, now lean on me for awhile. Like from now on out to the
Cosmic Mind or the Big Crunch or Whatever Happens Next. Just tried to make
you a smile out of a pain by rotating it through hyperspace along the axis
(Jeez. I keep thinking of the old joke about Yasser Arafat dying
on a Jewish Holiday. Have people so misjudged you, my cute little
Lilith/Lo Deity-Darlin', that they might actually want to celebrate
your deathday? Maybe you need a new P.R. man, somebody friendly
and easy-goin'? Saw a guy carryin' a sign WILL WORK FOR GRASS AND
NYMPHETS. Maybe we can get him. You were fantastic, Lo. Never forget
Anyhoo, it's not one-two-three-strikes-you're-out in this
Universe, Lo. Maybe in the Universe next door. There's somebody in
this piece of the space-time continuum payin' attention to nymphets
in trouble, and ready to jump into my Calvin Kaluza Kleins and superstring
together a couple of infinitely long rotating cylinders of star-stuff
if that's what it takes to save your cute ass.
So don't cry, Lolita darlin'. Nobody's gonna collapse your state
vector while I'm around.
* * * *
Say, Lo, now that Lolita the Second is in her nymphage, that fat
merc is back in town hittin' on her all the time, and she finally agreed to go
to Europe with him, and if they end up shackin' up, we oughtta probably
either cut them in on the simstim biz or at least buy them their own
airport to work in.
And, listen, Lo, I made you an appointment with the gerontopediatrics
people to see about gettin' you your figure back. No offense, but you ain't
5,300 days no more, Darlin', and you startin' to show a little wear and tear.
* * * *
Ma che^`re Lolita, dans le soleil d'e^'te^',
Ma che^`re Lolita, en plein hiver,
En automne, au printemps, je te jure de t'aimer
(A^` moins, jusqu'a^` l'on cesse d'e^^tre fruit vert...)
* * * *
And tell me that ain't funnier and truer than that throat-
chokin' gargle that other cheap bastard wrote ya'. Hey, Humbert,
in case you ever get another nymphet--which you probably won't, 'cause
you too stupid to even keep the first one--here's a tip: You don't
buy 'em cookies, you buy 'em cars!)
Yeah, I suppose I shoulda known that it was you all along--unrecognized
eponym and archetype--well, excuuuuuuse me, I got other things on my mind,
so why don't you just punish me by cooking up a worldwide sexual plague
so I gotta wear a goddamn inner tube and so then I can't just emigrate
to somewhere the age of consent's sane enough you don't gotta be a fuckin'
gerontophile to stay legal?
But I digress.
* * * *
Merry Christmas, Lo.
God bless You forever, my most precious of Christmas presents.
We got a great future ahead of Us.
(Oh, Lo, this is just between us: Let 'em keep thinkin' that you
were really in danger back there. Chatted briefly with Kip and Tip
on the astral plane, and it turns out that you only gotta spin the cylinder
faster than half the speed of light at the surface. So you can see that
it woulda been possible for me to come get ya' in time even if I had
been too late.)
You were fantastic, Lo. Never forget you, Lo.
May God bless and guide Us both, my Darling.
It's gonna be an interesting ride.
CLIFF's NOTES TO ADD TO SURREALITY
BUT READ THE STORY FIRST
To begin with, a meme is a concept from Richard Dawkins' The Selfish
Gene. It is roughly analogous to a gene, except that it exists in the
world of human culture. Dawkins writes
Examples of memes are tunes, ideas, catch-phrases, clothes
fashions, ways of making pots or of building arches. Just as
genes propagate themselves in the gene pool by leaping from body
to body via sperm or eggs, so memes propagate themselves in the
meme pool by leaping from brain to brain. . . If a scientist
hears, or reads about, a good idea, he passes it on to his
colleagues and students. . . . If the idea catches on, it can
be said to propagate itself, spreading from brain to brain.
The story is intended as a weird cyberpunk riff on Nabokov's Lolita,
with distinct quantum-relativistic overtones. In the course of the telling,
various respectable, honorable and noble memes find themselves inextricably
interwoven with disturbing, scandalous, and subversive ones. Good. That's
the plan! The reason they call it "mind-fucking" is that it feels so good!
First, much of the reminiscing in A New Lo is done by a character
who actually appears in Lolita, but gets maybe four sentences all together.
His name is Charlie Holmes (Galactic Coincidence Control gets credit for
the first name and last initial), he does take Lo's virginity, and
is (in the book) killed in the war. The point at which one realizes
that Lo = Lolita makes her "boyfriend problems" with Humbert and Quilty
sort of mind-tickling, and even Joycean. (Nabokov himself pays homage to
Joyce with phrases like "portrait of the artist as a younger brute" and
"internal combustion martyr"--and to surreality generally with Quilty's
observation, "Really, Mr. Humbert, you were not an ideal stepfather.")
One gets a single clue with the reminiscence about Lo going home from camp
to "Ramsdale," but it's a thin one.
The doggerel poetry generally matches the rhyme pattern of that in the
original novel, part 2, Chapter 25, and even reproduces the key line "Where
are you hiding, Dolores Haze?" which is another clue to who Lo is. Also a
thought about Virtual Reality's utility beyond letting architects show you
their fuckin' buildings. More doggerel appears throughout, frequently
matching the rhyme scheme, meter, and at times duplicating (or almost)
However, none of this comes up until after a reasonably solid cyber-
punk opening, and what I immodestly consider a great rant on "freedom to
compute and possess pixels." The technical language is there to let those
who know relativistic physics realize whom they are dealing with.
After the quatrain, then a set-up to twist your head later, a nod to
sub-Genii, and finally a straightforward clue and jab at lawyers, since
the first page of Lolita mentions the name of Humbert's attorney,
and the "advice" is precisely what Hư proceeds to do.
We then pick up the plot of the novel, since, even though Lolita and her
deaf, stupid husband are awash in cash, they do (in the book) trek
to the godforsaken Alaskan wilderness outpost of Grey Star in her ninth
month for her to give birth. Charlie Holmes--Lo's first lover, recall--
departs now from his negligible role in the actual novel to check this out.
Weirdness begins to escalate, as the fat, crazy mercenary he works with
is also an ex-boyfriend of Lo's (which is possible, since she does spend
a couple years traveling around the USA) and so he takes a personal interest
in his job.
Straightforward plot development, and the "check also first name
Lolita" made explicit for the not-too-swift. And a key observation
that Lo's husband may be so stupid as to be dangerous.
Ever-more-obscene poetry, introducing the phrase "giving wirehead"
into cyberspeak, and the key word (nano)nymphet for those who still may
be puzzled about who's who. Some of the text from Charlie's message
is in fact verbatim from the ID cards issued to CIA operatives in Vietnam.
Charlie then turns out to be a second lieutenant.
Cut to another airport harangue. With definite cyber-applications.
Cut back to Lo. Doesn't look good for her. Stupid mates can kill
ya', it seems ever more clear. As in the novel itself, Lo and her girl-
child do endure a very unlucky childbirth on Christmas Day.
More obscene poetry. Suggests maybe something survived, though.
Cut back to first airport haranguer. Are we beginning to guess what
was on his chip? How monetarily valuable the idea? Still thinking about
fuckin' architects takin' you through buildings with V.R. goggles?
Couple more quatrains, one using actual first two lines of one poem in
the actual book, one cutely mentioning a couple of currently sexy cyber-ladies.
Now, gets still weirder. Jab at FDR. Heavy-duty quantum-relativistic
names and buzzwords.
Still weirder. Tying up loose ends. The bit about her age as
5,300 days comes from one of Humbert's poems in the book.
Quatrain in French, like in original, but got a great rhyme
for French term for nymphet. Quite proud of that.
Really put out enough relativistic physics to blow 'em away.
Kip (Thorne) and Tip (Frank Tipler) are quantum physicists, and Tipler
wrote a paper about time-travel via (what else?) infinitely long rotating
cylinders of super-dense mass which was my throw-away line from a page
before. One-half the speed of light is the surface speed at which such
cylinders must rotate to permit time-travel, and make for a very weird
quantum-relativistic sentence. The bit about the astral plane was added for
extra spookiness, and also in case Kip or Tip should croak before I sell the
Covered a lot of territory, n'est-ce pas?
My method of time travel is not particularly
effective, unless the vehicle is traveling
at or near the speed of light, in which case
bailing out would hurt like a sonofabitch.
It is not recomended for anyone who can die
to use this method of time travel.
So there I was, driving my car down the freeway,
when it suddenly occurs to me that the ROAD is
DRIVING down the bottom of MY CAR, and TIME is
MOVING past ME, So all you have to do to travel through
time is to jump out of a moving car at high speed and
grab onto something HEAVY.
Please share this information with all.
GodSpeed = 83Km/Second
U P C O M I N G C O N V E N T I O N S
March 24-27, 1994 (Mississippi)
COASTCON 17. Holiday Inn Express, Biloxi, MS; rms $75 sngl. GoHs:
Spider & Jeanne Robinson; SGoH: Janny Wurts; AGoH: Don Maitz; TM:
Margali; Guests: George Alex Effinger, Larry Elmore. Memb: $25. Info:
Coastcon 17, Box 1423, Biloxi MS 39533; (601)864-6064 (A.J. Brockway).
March 24-27, 1994 (South Carolina) <<<< HToMC Sanctioned Event
MAGNUM OPUS CON 9. Hyatt Regency, Greenville, SC. Guests: Timothy
Zahn, Dr. Raymond Moody, Jr., David Weber, Bruce Campbell, Patricia
Tallman, Kane Hodder, Monique Gabrielle, Brad Strickland, Lawrence
Watt-Evans, Steve White, more. Memb: $40 until 3/15/94, $45 after.
Info: MOC-9, Box 6585, Athens GA 30603; (706)549-1533; email:
March 24-27, 1994 (Texas)
AGGIECON XXV. Texas A&M University, TX. GoHs: Greg Bear, Lois McMaster
Bujold, Charles de Lint, Julius Schwartz, Frank Kelly-Freas, Laura
Brodian Kelly-Freas. Memb: TAMU students $16, non-students $18,
Children 5-12 $7. Info: MSC Cepheid Variable, PO Box J-1 - MSC, College
Station TX 77844; (409)845-1515.
March 25-27, 1994 (Florida)
VULKON. Orland North Hilton & Towers, 350 South North Lake Blvd. at
exit 48 off I-4, Altamonte Springs, Florida; (407)830-1985. Guests:
Walter Koenig, Mark Alaimo, Dave McDonnell, Cheryl Mandus. Talks,
autographs, costume contest, "Where's Odo?" contest, dealers, dance,
charity auctions, games, videos (CC). Video & still photography is
permitted, except for Dave's talk. Interpreters for hearing impaired,
all areas wheel-chair accessible. Memb: $40. Info: Vulkon, c/o Joe
Motes, 12237 SW 50th Street, Cooper City, FL 33330; (305)434-6060.
March 25-27, 1994 (Ohio)
MILLENICON -7. Stouffer's Center Plaza, Dayton OH; rms $67. GoH: Larry
Niven. Memb: $25. Info: MilleniCon -7, Box 626, Dayton OH 45405;
March 25-27, 1994 (Tennessee)
MIDSOUTHCONN 13. Best Western Airport Hotel, Airways and Democrat
(airport exit off I-240 South Loop); Memphis TN; (901)332-1130; rms $55.
GoH: Barbara Hambly; AGoH: Larry Elmore; FGoH: Ken Moore. Media Guest:
Robin Curtis. Memb: $30; (Children under 12 - 1/2 price). Info:
MidSouthCon 13, P.O. Box 22749, Memphis TN 38122; (901)274-7355.
March 26-27, 1994 (England)
TREK-DWARF II. Holiday Inn, Leicester, England. Guests: Richard
Arnold, Robert Llwellyn, Nana Visitor. Memb: L30. Info: Rob Collins,
Trek Dwarf II, 47 Marsham, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough PE2 5RN, UK;
March 31 - April 3, 1994 (California, Southern)
PHIL & ED'S EXCELLENT CONVENTION. Burbank Airport Hilton Hotel, 2500
Hollywood Way, Burbank, CA 91505; rms $78 sngl/dbl/tpl/quad, $98 suite;
(800) 643-7400. Media GoH: Gerry Anderson; GoH: John Varley; AGoH:
Chris Achilleos, SGoH: Shusei Nagaoka, EGoH: Marv Wolfman; Comic AGoH:
Stan Sakai, Filk GoH: Leslie Fish; Actress GoH: Yvonne Craig; TM: Gary
Owens; Guests: Lynne Abbey, Robert Lynn Asprin, Frank Kelly Freas, Laura
Brodian Freas, Todd Hamilton, Harry Harrison, George Clayton Johnson,
Andy Probert, more. Art Show, Dances, Dealers Room, 3 Gaming Rooms, 2
Filking Rooms, 24-hour Film Room, Masquerade, Media Museum, Video Room,
Japanimation Room, 24-hour Con Suite. Memb: $40 at door (checks to
PECoN Associates); $5 supporting. Info: Phil and Ed's Excellent
Convention, P.O. Box 1064, Lomita CA 90717-0646.
March 31-April 3, 1994 (Washington)
NORWESCON 17. SeaTac Red Lion Hotel, SeaTac, WA; rms $75. GoHs:
Katherine Kurtz, Scott McMillan; AGoH: Darrell K. Sweet; FGoH: Peggy Rae
Pavlat; TM: Janna Silverstein. Memb: $45 after. Info: NorWesCon 17,
c/o NWSFS, Box 24207, Seattle WA 98124; (206)248-2010.
April 1-3, 1994 (Kansas)
NEOCON 5. Galaxy Cross Wichita East, Wichita KS; rms $52. GoH: Bradley
Denton; AGoH: Lucy Synk; FGoH: David Means; TM: John Dalmas. Memb: $20.
Info: NeoCon 5, Box 48431, Wichita KS 67201; (316)263-3564.
April 1-3, 1994 (Maryland)
BALTICON 28. Hyatt Regency at Inner Harbor, Baltimore MD;
(410)528-1234; rms $93 sngl/dbl, $108 tpl/quad. GoH: Mercedes Lackey,
AGoH: Larry Dixon; SGoH: Frederik Pohl; Filk GoH: Duane Elms; FGoH: Sue
Wheeler. Memb: $40 (Children 6-12 half-price, under 6 free). Info:
Balticon 28, PO Box 686, Baltimore MD 21203-0686; (410)563-2737; email:
April 1-3, 1994 (Minnesota)
MINICON 29. Radisson Hotel South, Bloomington, MN; (612)835-7800 or
(800)333-3333; rms $53 1-4 people, $64 Cabana, $99 2-room suite, $139
3-room suite. GoH: Jack Williamson; FGoH: Rusty Hevelin; Publisher GoH:
Tom Doherty. Memb: $55 (Children under 12, $15); $10 supporting. Info:
Minicon 29, PO Box 8297, Lake Street Station, Minneapolis MN 55408-8297;
April 1-4, 1994 (Australia, Victoria)
AUSTRALIAN NATIONAL SF & MEDIA CON '94/CONSTANTINOPLE. Southern Cross,
Melbourne, Australia; rms $100 sngl/dbl, $130 tpl. GoH: William Gibson;
FGoHs: Bruce Gillespie, Narelle Harris; Media GoH: Colin Baker.
Activities include awarding the 1994 Ditmar Award, awarding the 1994
Australian Science Fiction Media Award, short story competition,
programing panels, gaming, fan lounge, masquerade, art show, dealer's
room, more. Memb: A$90 (Children under 12 A$40, Children under 5 free),
A$20 supporting. Info: Australian National SF & Media Con '94, c/o Alan
Stewart, Box 212, World Trade Centre, Melbourne VIC 3005, Australia;
(61)3 305 2590.
April 1-4, 1994 (England)
SOU'WESTER/EASTERCON '94. Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool, UK. GoHs: Barbara
Hambly, Diane Duane, Neil Gaiman; FGoH: Peter Morwood. UK National Con.
Memb: L25 attending, L10. Info: (U.S. address) Eastercon '94, c/o Mary
& Bill Burns, 23 Kensington Ct., Hempstead NY 11550. (UK address)
Eastercon '94, c/o 3 W. Shrubbery, Redland, Bristol BS6 6SZ, UK.
April 8-10, 1994 (Florida)
CRACKERCON 3. Florida Community College, Jacksonville - Kent Campus,
3989 Roosevelt Blvd., Jacksonville, Florida. Hotel: Holiday Inn Orange
Park at I-295 and Roosevelt Blvd, Orange Park, FL; (904)264-9513. GoH:
Ted Stetson; AGoH: Cheryl Mandus; Guests: Charles Fountenay, Gary Roen,
Jack Haldeman, Vince Courtney, Ron Walotsky, more. Memb: $20. Info:
CrackerCon 3, Box 8356, Jacksonville FL 32239-8356; email:
April 8-10, 1994 (Montana)
MISCON 9. Village Red Lion, 100 Madison Street, Missoula, MT 59802;
(406) 728-3100; rms $55 sngl, $65 dbl. GoH: Roger Zelazny; AGoH: Frank
Kelly Freas & Laura Brodian Kelly-Freas; TM: Ru Emerson. Memb: $20
until 4/1/94, $25 after; $15 one-day. Info: Miscon 9, PO Box 9363,
Missoula MT 59807; (406)728-9423.
April 8-10, 1994 (Nevada)
SILVERCON 3. Gaughan's Plaza Hotel, Las Vegas, NV; rms $45 sngl/dbl.
GOH: Gregory Benford; FGoH: Ted White; Music GoHs: Sally & Barry
Childs-Hilton. Memb: $25. Info: c/o SNAFFU, Box 95941, Las Vegas NV
April 15-17, 1994 (New York)
I-CON XIII. SUNY Stony Brook, Long Island, NY. GoH: Harlan Ellison;
Science GoH: Gregory Benford; EGoH: Elsie Wollheim; AGoH: Don Maitz;
Media Guests: George Takei, Michael O'Hare, J. Michael Straczynski,
Ronald D. Moore; Gaming guest: Gary Gygax. Memb: $25 until 3/31/94, $28
after. Info: I-Con XIII, Box 550, Stony Brook NY 11790-0550;
(516)632-6045; email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
April 15-17, 1994 (Texas)
BRIDE OF CON-TROLL. Clarion Inn, 500 E N Belt, Houston, TX 77060; (713)
931-0101. GoH: Margaret Weis, Michael Jittlov; AGoH: Alan Gutierrez;
SGoH: Robert Neagle; Filk GoH: The Duras Sisters. Memb: $35 after.
Info: Con-Troll Conventions, Inc., PO Box 740969-1025, Houston TX 77274;
April 15-17, 1994 (Virginia)
TECHNICON 11. Donaldson Brown Center, Blacksburg, Virginia; (703)
231-8000; rms $46 sngl, $54 dbl. GoHs: Holly Lisle, Ellen Guon, Chris
Guin, Don Sakers, Tom Atkinson, Greg Rose; FGoH: Tom Monaghan. Memb:
$24. Info: Technicon 11, c/o VTSFFC, PO Box 256, Blacksburg VA
24063-0256; (703)951-7232; email: email@example.com,
April 15-17, 1994 (Canada, Ontario)
FILKONTARIO 4. Regal Constellation Hotel (Toronto), 900 Dixon Road,
Etobicoke, Ontario M9W 1J9; (800) 268-4838; rms $68/C$85. GoH: Kathy
Mar. Memb: $25/C$30 until 3/31/94, C$35 after. Info: Filkontario 4,
302 College Ave. W., Unit 20, Guelph, Ontario N1G 4T6; email:
April 22-24, 1994 (California, Northern)
FANTASY WORLDS FESTIVAL '94. Berkeley Marina Marriott, Berkeley CA; rms
$80. GoH: Mercedes Lackey; AGoH: Larry Dixon; Guests: Marion Zimmer
Bradley, Diana L. Paxson, Deborah Wheeler, Paul Edwin Zimmer, more.
Memb: $35 until 4/1/94, $40 after. Info: Marion Zimmer Bradley Ltd.,
Box 72, Berkeley CA 94701.
April 22-24, 1994 (Iowa)
DEMICON 5. Howard Johnson, Des Moines, IA; rms $42 sngl/dbl, $55 tpl,
$61 quad. GoH: Glen Cook; AGoH: David Lee Anderson; FGoH: Pierre &
Sandy Pettinger; TM: Rusty Hevelin; Guests: Algis Budrys, M.S. Murdock,
more. Memb: $20 until 3/31/94, $28 after. Info: Demicon 5, Box 7572,
Des Moines IA 50322; (515)224-7654 (Les & Jeanette).
April 22-24, 1994 (Maryland)
WEEKEND IN THE COUNTRY. Guest Quarters at BWI Airport; rms $79 per
suite (includes continental brkfst). Multi-media partner convention.
Memb: $33. Info: Laura Peck, 302 Lincoln Ave., Glen Burnie MD 21061.
April 22-24, 1994 (Missouri)
NAME THAT CON 7. St. Louis Airport Hilton, St. Louis MO; (800)345-5500.
rms $59 sngl/dbl, $69 tpl/quad. GoH: Alan Steele; SGoH: Bob "Wilson"
Tucker; AGoH: Aviva; FGoHs: Jim & Susan Satterfield; TM: Mickey Zucker
Reichert. Memb: $18 until 3/31/94, $21 after. Info: Name That Con 7,
Box 575, St. Charles MO 63302.
April 22-24, 1994 (Nebraska)
ANDROMEDA ONE. Downtown Ramada Hotel, 9th & "O" streets, Lincoln, NE;
(402)475-4011; rms $53 sngl, $58 dbl. GoHs: Katherine Kurtz, Robert
Reed; FGoH: Scott Stewart; AGoH: Bill Hodgson; Gaming GoH: Tom Prusa;
Comic GoH: Fredd Gorham. Emph: Literature, fanzines. Includes Dealer's
Room, Art Show, Art Auction, Masquerade, Gaming, Videos, SF Murder
Mystery Contest, Writing Contest, more. Memb: $22.50 until 4/1/94, $25
after (Children 6-12, half-price); $10 one-day Friday, Sunday; $15
Saturday; $7.50 supporting. Info: Andromeda One Registration, 4410 S.
45th St., Lincoln NE 68516.
April 22-24, 1994 (Texas)
AMIGOCON 9. Quality Inn Airport, El Paso TX. GoH: Roger Zelazny; AGoH:
Dell Harris; Guests: Thorarinn Gunnarsson, Don Webb. Memb: $15 until
4/15/94, $18 after. Info: AmigoCon 9, Box 3177, El Paso TX 79923;
(915)542-0443 (Richard Brandt); email: firstname.lastname@example.org.
April 29 - May 1, 1994 (Arkansas)
ROC-KON 18. Excelsior Hotel, Little Rock AR; (800)527-1745 or
(501)375-5000; rms $69 sngl/dbl, $75 tpl/quad. GoH: Ron Dee; AGoH: Joe
Staton; Guests: Mark Simmons, David Drake. Memb: $15 until 3/31/94, $20
after. Info: Roc-Kon 18, Box 24285, Little Rock AR 72221;
(501)370-0889; email: email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org.
April 29 - May 1, 1994 (Georgia)
MAGIC CARPET CON II. Holiday Inn, Dalton, GA; rms $47. GoH: Susan
Schwartz; AGoH: Mark Poole; MC: Tom Dietz; Guests: C.J. Cherryh, Jane
Francher, Sharon Greene, P.M. Griffin, Brad Linaweaver, Wilson Tucker.
Memb: $25. Info: Magic Carpet Con II, Box 678, Rocky Face GA 30740.
April 29 - May 1, 1994 (Michigan)
OFF-KEY CONTRAPTION. Northfield Hilton, Troy, MI; rms $64. GoH:
Michael P. Kube-McDowell; FGoH: Ann Cecil. Info: ConTraption, Box 414,
Lake Orion MI 48361.
April 29 - May 1, 1994 (Washington)
ANGLICON 7. Quality Inn, Seatac, WA. GoH: Craig Charles (Lister of Red
Dwarf). Memb: $45. Info: AngliCon 7, Box 75536, Seattle WA 98125-0536;
Also, graphic ad for:
Creature Feature '94
Durham, NC April 22-24, 1994
Featuring: Forrest J. Ackerman
Three days of film & TV stars
exhibitors room with models, toys,
film memorabilia, screenings of
classic horror & sci-fi movies
Demos, panel discussions, art &
model contests, and more
for info, contact:
Creature Feature '94
PO Box 461, Cary, NC 27512
Dial the Church of the SubGenius sacred 900#
1-900-990-5085 ext. 324
$2.00 per minute
You'll hear the official "RANT of the WEEK"
-Rev. Ivan Stang
-Pope David Meyer III
-Father Joe Mama
-Saint Janor Hypercleats
Sizzling Sects(tm) HOTLINE!
1-900-990-5085 ext. 325
$2.00 a minute - A divine inspiration
SPAM JAKE DAY -- A Summary
By Reverend Brother Lee Harvey Oswald Smith, KSC WMD SPAM
Episkopos, John Friedrich Cabal, Discordian Society
1) WHAT IS A JAKE? (AND WHERE CAN I GET SOME?)
A Jake is defined as part of Operation Mindfuck. Basically, it involves
a lot of people collaborating to send a lot of weird stuff to some
bureaucrat/official/someone somewhere, asking for some information/help/
whatever, preferably in an obscure or unusual way. The letters are timed to
arrive on the same day, and to make the bureaucrat/official/etc. think
that either he is the target of a global conspiracy of lunatics or the
general public are much more imaginative than he has previously thought.
2) WHAT IS THIS SPAM JAKE?
The plan: on Spam Jake Day (the twenty-third of May, 1994), a lot of
mail will arrive at the headquarters of Hormel Foods, the manufacturer
of Spam, from all over the world. This will be from various Discordian,
SubGenius and other weird religious groups; on official letterhead
(which looks rather weird), and from people with long, bizarre religious
titles. Each letter will claim that the sender's own group is the
original Church of Spam (with appropriate embellishments), and
requesting official endorsement from Hormel Foods as such.
3) HOW DO I GET INVOLVED?
If you wish to be involved in this global mindfuck, all you have to do
is write such a letter, in the name of your religion/conspiracy (if you
don't have one, found one), adding any embellishments you may wish to
add and send it to:
1 Hormel Drive
Austin, MN 55912
Send the letter before Spam Jake Day, if possible timing it so that it
arrives on Spam Jake Day. The rest is fnord up to you.
4) WHAT WILL THIS ACHIEVE?
With luck, somebody at Hormel will find their desk inundated with
curious missives from all sorts of strange groups from all over the
world asking for official sanction for some esoteric activity involving
Spam, or, in the parlance, "weird shit". Unable to dismiss this as a small,
localised prank they will be very much puzzled by this and possibly
shall attain illumination from the shock. Candidates for official
approval may receive interesting replies; furthermore, the media may pick
up on this, distorting it and adding further chaos to the equation.
In any case, the ripples of this should be felt far and wide, if enough
people get involved.
5) WHY SHOULD I GET INVOLVED?
Because if you don't, ye shall verily be transformed into a
Precious Mao Button and distributed to the Poor in the Region of Thud.
Reverend Brother Pope Lee Harvey Oswald Smith, KSC WMD SPAM
Episkopos, John Friedrich Cabal; High Epopt of the Secret and Terrible Rite
Chairperson dei gratia, Flat Earth Society -"In your heart, you know it's flat"
President-for-life, Don't Let Lieutenant Wilkes Breed Society Society
Think about about -><- Stop casting porosity -><- Keep the lasagna flying
[Tons 'o graphics on the text version of this page]
Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
PO Box 30904
Raleigh, NC 27622-0904