T S O HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSU

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Skeptic Tank!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $T$$$$$$$ $$$$$$S$$$ $O$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$T$$$$$$$$ $N$$$$$$$$$ $$$$O$$$$$$$ $Y$$$$$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S* $$$$$$N$$$$$$ $A$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$Y$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ Issue #25: Ngggghuzoids on Parade $$$$$$A$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$S$$$$$$ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption PO Box 30904 SLACK@ncsu.edu Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere TONYA HARDING WORLD DOMINATION TOUR: ONE KNEE AT A TIME ...or maybe not. Did she do it? Does it really matter at this point whether or not she was involved in planning the attack on Kerrigan, or whether or not she was glad it happened? Are we sick to the stomach of all the sanctimonious commentators and talk-show hosts bellyaching about the general lack of morals and ethics in today's society, and how "winning" is now so important that it overshadows all notions of fair play? Good. The fact is, the media, by effectively making Tonya look like a "Bad Girl", has done her a bigger favor than winning any Olympic medal will ever do. Sure, Nancy is getting all the high-dollar promotions now, but a few months after the games, nobody will know who she is. The problem is that she's just too "Good". She's too close to the pure, wholesome "girl next door", taking her place besides Mom and apple pie. Deep down in our cultural heart, we might put the good girls up on a pedestal, but its the "Bad Girls" with the low-cut dresses, tire-spinning sports cars, and attitudes, that get our winks and sideways glances. This time next year, Nancy will be admiring her trophies on the shelf--- nobody else will know who she is. Tonya will have her own talk show. Or, maybe they ought to change the event. Maybe it should be Nancy vs. Tonya with baseball bats on the ice. I'd bet on Tonya. Or, maybe when she does her Playboy spread, maybe she should lie on top of a pile of clubs and bats. Maybe she is ACTUALLY the most modern incarnation of ERIS herself. Maybe all those rough edges are there for a reason- maybe we should get down and WORSHIP someone who would beat the shit out of bad drivers with a tire-iron, do burlesque dances in a wedding dress, and marry psychopathic jerks. THAT's someone who comes from the REAL world. Plus, she has a tight, muscular butt. Deification procedures are in progress. Tonya jokes: Tonya is now making commercials for "The Club". At her performance, the music will be "The Kneecracker Suite" New cheer in Lillehammer: "Come on Tonya, break a leg!" Tonya Harding Fanclub : 4623 SE Oxboy Parkway, Gresham, OR 97080 Children/Seniors - $5 Adults - $15 Corporate - $25 $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ OFFICIAL COMICS OF THE 1994 WINTER OLYMPIC GAMES *** A-Bomb #1 - More adult x-rated cartoon adventures with somewhat predictable themes: being abducted by martians for an orgy, an intergalactic adventure, etc. Most of the artwork here is in the anime' or Manga-looking stylized characters. I've often wondered why there isn't more real animation along these lines. I also liked the "Exposition" look at cartoonists. Venus Comics. *** Aesop's Desecrated Morals - A twisted look at the old fables, done by Doug Wheeler and a host of other different artists including Rick Geary, Phil Foglio, Matt Howarth, and many others, each with a 1-page modern adaptation with a twist. Stories range from outrageous, to politically correct, to sick and twisted. Magnecom (Rip Off Press) 800-468-2669 *** Beanworld #21 - word is that Eclipse is going out of business, so this might be the last unless another distributor is found. In this surreal other- universe, this one has the story of the first time that Professor Garbanzo discovered the Four Realities. Strange, complex stuff-this is a whole complete universe with neat characters-and is supposedly based on DNA. Eclipse comics *** Beavis & Butt-Head #1 - It was only a matter of time before they had their own comic. Every bit as gross, violent, and puerile as the show- which makes it worth a look. The "activity page" is great- its how to make the Land-O- Lakes butter Indian girl look like she's topless. Marvel Comics. *** Beavis & Butt-Head #2 - The boys go on a rampage in a funeral parlor. Also, war stories by Mr. Anderson, and how he saved himself with a fart. Activity pages: restaurant pranks. Marvel comics. ** CUD #5 - After having his Kundalini awakened and landing in the hospital, Bob meets the neurotic, abused, paranoid multi-personalitied girl of his dreams. Plus, a funny look at hetero paranoia over the gays in the military issue, "Fiddler on my Face", and the "Moon in the Tree" looks at tourism. In all honesty, this one probably deserves a ***, but for some inexplicable reason, it just doesn't grab me like some other comics. Fantagraphics Books. **** Horny Biker Slut #7 - More cum-drenched, perverted action as the HBS takes on the ultimate-stud Highway Patrolman, motorcycle repair- sluts, black bars, and intergalactic sex-slave empires. Extremely explicit. Last Gasp. **** Itchy & Scratchy Comics #2 - This issue follows the making of their 2nd movie, which is supposed to be a non-violent romantic comedy. Itchy is determined, however, to include as much violence and mayhem as possible, which, in the end, turns out saving the movie to the delight of fans who WANT the violence and gore. There's more than a subtle slam here against the moralistic anti-violence crusaders who want to control what WE see and hear. Bongo Comics. *** Magnesium Arc #1 - A brand new comic by Matt Howarth. Although this one doesn't leave this reality plane, its a good comic about one of Matt's favorite subjects, electronic/alternative music, and the whole independent scene. Lots of music contacts, plus Sonic Curiosity strips. Iconografix. **** Naughty Bits #2 - Cartoons by Roberta Gregory. In "Bitchy Bitch goes to Hell", besides dealing with the frustrating aspects of day-to-day life, she also has to put up with loony catholics as well as loony protestants. Plus, "Penetrating the Smut Glut", she looks at pornography, misunderstanding between the sexes, and how lesbians get around it all. Fantagraphics Books. *** Negative Burn #6 - Outstanding stories in this anthology are the "Vixen" vampire story by David Lloyd, and "Conditioned" by Phillip Hester. Plus, another episode of "Kilroy is Here" by Joe Pruett. Many of the others are of the artsy/sketchbook sort. Caliber Press. *** Nina's All-Time Greatest Collector's Item Classic Comics #1 - which is actually about Nina's views on the often dark, twisted, and cruel aspects of romantic relationships. Naturally, this is the Valentine's day special. Especially good is the short "public service announcement" on the new social disease, afrAIDS, which is the irrational fear of AIDS. Dark Horse Comics. *** Ren & Stimpy #17 - A halfway decent and original story. R&S make it big in the world of high fashion with their garbage-wear creations. But, they blow it by appearing nude in a magazine, which becomes the new fashion. Plus, more adventures of the Canadian Kilted Yaksmen. TOO DAMN MANY ADS!! DC Comics. ** Simpson's Comics #2 - as part of a "scared straight" tour of a local prison, Bart is accidentally left behind, at the mercy of Sideshow Bob. Plus,a neat flip-side Ill-Fated Romance Comics, with a Patty & Selma story. The comic does a good job of keeping up with humor level of the TV series. Bongo Comics. **** Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Flaming Carrot #1 - crossover comic- the last time it was the TMNT appearing in the Carrot's comic, now its his turn to be in theirs. This one has them investigating the ruins of a strange ancient civilization unearthed by an earthquake, and the disappearance of a science team. Story by Bob Burden. Mirage Publishing,PO Box 486 Northampton MA 01061 **** Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles/Flaming Carrot #2 - Flaming Carrot and his Mystery Men meet up with the Turtles and the soldiers. Once there, they are attacked by massive numbers of the strange flaming creatures. Mirage Publishing *** The Tick: Karma Tornado #2 - The Tick, along with Cleopatra, Eli Whitney, George Washington Carver, a washed-up actor, 2 kids, and a Tyrannosaurus, continue the strange competition as part of the Earth team. OK story, but the Tick wasn't big (or strange) enough in the story. New England Comics Press. **** XXXenophile #9 - Lots of explicit, xx-rated stories with a D&D flavor, by Phil Foglio and inked by different artists. These are fun, neat stories with actual entertainment value beyond the wild sex. Palliard Press. **** You and your Big Mouth #2 - cartoons by Pat Moriarty, with stories by Pete Bagge, Dennis Worden, R.L. Crabb, Kim Deitch, Henry Rollins, Dennis Eichhorn and many others. Most of these are 1-4 page strips, and its a GREAT mix of different styles- both in the imitative style of Moriarty, and in the variety of subject material- in a virtual who's who of underground comics. A definite must-have. Starhead Comics, PO Box 30044 Seattle, WA 98103 **** You and your Big Mouth #3 - Pat Moriarty continues with these great collaborative comics. This time it includes stories by Peter Bagge, Joe Coleman, Penn and Teller, Adam Parfey, Henry Rollins, Mary Fleener, and many others. Lots of nightmares and strange dreams, strange but true adventures, and comic industry in-jokes. Don't miss it. This time by Fantagraphic Books. **** Zippy Quarterly #4 - More surrealistic ponderings from the supreme Pinhead as they take on the absurdities of modern life. Plus, a special story on how Zippy and Griffy get caught up a gun-toting, apocalyptic coffee cult. Media culture will never look the same again. Fantagraphics Books. %%%%%%%%%%% Get HToMC #26 at the Magnum Opus Con 9 Greenville, SC March 24-27!!!!!!!!! TONYATONYATONYATONYATONYATONYATONYATONYATONYATONYATONYATONYATONYATON Sacrifices to the Sacred PO Box: Cato Institute 1994 Catalog - Nobody knows how badly screwd up the government is than these folks, and they have tons of books exposing bullshit everywhere they find it, including radical evironmentalism, the drug war, the right AND the left. Much more balanced treatment of the issues than the dittoheads get. 1000 Massachusettes Ave. NW Washington, DC 20001 Karma Lapel #5 - After a brief absense, Heath Row is back with another issue. And they've been busy, too---- they take on girl's gender roles, graduate students, love gone wrong, and many other articles. Great cartoons, fiction, and TONS and TONS of zine reviews (here's the printed HToMC you asked about!), even more mini-and self-published comics than I see in a month, books, music, events, and more. There's so much in it, that its printed in the almost-newspaper format. Between FS5, Asylum for Shut-Ins, and Karma Lapel, you won't miss anything. $2 for a sample copy and well worth it to: PO Box 5467, Evanston IL 60204-5467 Factsheet 5 #50 - Required reading material. The ultimate guide to the self- published, underground, and original material reaches an impressive milestone with the 50th issue, and its going strong now. I like it even better now than when Mike Gunderloy was doing it. If you haven't ever seen a copy of this, order it immediately. Any topic in the world is being discussed, ranted, and dissected by some weirdo "out there". Sample is $6, although a 6-issue sub is only $20. FS5 Subscriptions, PO Box 170099, San Francisco, CA 94117-0099 Bovine Gazette vol. 2 #8 - This issue takes a look at the Satanic/New World Order conspiracies, in parody as well as reprinted material. Its hard to tell them apart. Plus, lots of pages of cartoons. At 14 pages, its a quick read, but fun. $1 or 6/$5 to: Mad Dog Productions, PO Box 2263 Pasadena CA 91102 Smite #1 - Gut wrenching and illuminating analysis of "Gilligan's Island", old vs. new Star Trek fan feuds, cartoons with dialog replaced, superfriends, and the meaning of life are but a few of the topics explored in this small zine. The production may be rough compared to some, but the quote from "Plan 9" more than makes up for it. $1 to Smite, PO Box 624, Diboll TX 75941 Funny Pages #51 - Great source for jokes. This one covers Bill Clinton, pick- up lines, rednecks, the Bobbitt's, sick, racist, and ethnic humor, great quotes and getting even. Plus, some cartoons too. At 8 pages, its a great way to keep up with the latest and most tasteless humor. 8 issues for $10 Funny Pages, PO Box 317025 Dayton, OH 45437 Derogatory Reference #76 - A personal zine by Arthur Hlavaty; much of it is his journal, in which he writes his musings on the Internet, the state of society, books, poetry, science fiction, and just getting along. Plus, letters and a 1-page story/prose. Probably the most real thought and feeling I've seen on 6 pages in quite a while. Plus, you can e-mail him at: hlavaty@panix.com. 206 Valentine St. Yonkers, NY 10704-1814 $1, published 4 times/year Living Cheap News #21 - Lots of suggestions on how to live without spending an awful lot of money. Plus, a look at people who can and do take this rather practical philosophy to ridiculous extremes. There's lots of common-sense suggestions, tips, tricks, and contacts for various do-it-yourself and cheap lifestyle publishers. Back issues are available too. 10 issues for $12 (cheap) to: Living Cheap News, Box 700058 San Jose, CA 95170 Eat or Die! #2 - A rapid descent back into the strangeness and surrealism that makes zines fun. Lots of comics, strange articles, stories, and disturbing weirdness. Plus, the next installment of the "Lives of Birdie" cat comic. At 20 dense pages, they're coming along nicely with this one. Send $2 to: P. Santo, 230 Avenue B, Apartment 4, Bayonne, NJ 07002 Ogyr Network vol. 3 #1 - Poetry, rants, music, and JanorStuff!!! This explicitly SubGenius publication has tons of stories, reviews, and neat things that people into this particular segment of the "underground" will enjoy. Reviews of strange albums and interviews with strange bands. Uplifting tales from Hypercleets himself. Much fnords. Get it from $aint @ndrew for only $3. ON/$@ PO Box 53 Plainfield, IL 60544 Things to spend worthless Federal Reserve notes (not money!) on: BLAM! Premiere issue This is a hypermedia magazine that runs on MacIntosh computers. Lots of outrageous material in a wild interface. Stuff from Howard Reingold, Kim Gordon, Lydia Lunch, Jim Goad, Manuel DeLanda, and many more. $25 + 2.40 p&h from: Necro Enema Amalgamated PO Box 208 Village Station, NY NY 10014 BLAM1@mindvox.phantom.com --------- Mike C. Diana's New Comix SUPERFLY #1 OUT NOW!! 32 pages of shocking fun and mind opening vision! Superfly #1 is the latest creation by the notorious underground cartoonist Michael C. Diana! This is the first in a series of three issues, that laughs at society while poking at its ills. Cover is illustrated in full color!! To order send $3.50 plus $1.00 postage to: Michael Hunt Publishing PO Box 226 Bensinville, IL 60106 Retailers/Distributors call 24 hours (708) 794-2723 Also ask about special collectors issue of Boiled Angel #7 and #ATE, the issues that got Mike charged with obscenity in Florida!! --------- Last Minute addition: Dream Scene Magazine - an entire zine devoted to actual dreams. Submissions are encouraged, and will get you a free issue with 3 stamps. Here's some strange, bizarre stuff. 38 Rossie Ave. Ste #1, San Francisco, CA 94118-4218 $2/issue or 4 for $7, cash only. [lots of graphics on this page, that you can't see] @-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@-@ blatant ad: The Greatest SubGenius T-Shirts ever!! from Crux Productions & Dr. Howll All shirts are cotton, in Large or Extra-Large only. "Bob"/Anti-"Bob" only $16 postpaid Classic Dobbshead on the front, THE MOST HIDEOUS ANTI-"BOB" EVER DRAWN on the back - both in lurid full color! (Background is bright red in front, blue in back--vividly illustrating the Doppler Effect) Dino-Riding "Bob" (color pic on light pastel) $16 Robobob T-shirt (color pic on light pastel) $16 Severed Heads T-shirt $13 (black on lt. gray) Praire Squid T-Shirt $13 (black on lt. gray) Prices include postage in US. Add $4 overseas. SubGenius Foundation <--- Yes, he's finished with the new book, and PO Box 140306 might actually have time now to get orders Dallas, TX 75214 processed in a reasonable amount of time. )(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.) Another Tale of B0B (tm) by mccla_d@cs.odu.edu (dennis mcclain-furmanski) The City of FalAlFer and What Bob the Expedient Did to Piss It Off Bob's hidden halls, which no man or God has seen and lived to talk about it for more than a few brief paragraphs in a very bad prose, were rumored to hold a thousand and one different terrible things which a God might do to divert his time, but which a mortal could either have a really swell weekend with or else kill himself on. But, being a lot closer to omnipotence than the avarage ex-mortal (who just get a lot closer to mother nature as their bodies decompose), occasionally even these one thousand and one potentially dangerous delights were just not enough to please him and to keep his attention up. So he did decide to once again walk on one of the planets and to do as his whim told him. So he went to the fourth planet from a yellow sun, where the humans of that galaxy lived. And he did search the planet until he found a halfway interesting place, a city in the middle of a hot, bare desert. But inside the city walls there were many farms and gardens and groves, and seemingly unlimited quantities of water. It was a city of oasis from the desert. So, he sought out the reason for this marvel. He assumed the guise of a dusty caravaner, and went to the Temple of All Gods in the city (where any god was allowed to have a little shrine and his own theme music played in it, so even the humbler gods with no temple of their own could get in on the action). "Where is the shrine and priest of Bob?" he asked a wizened old man. "There isn't any, son." "Why not? Isn't this the Temple of All Gods?" Bob looked around, double checking that there was indeed no shrine. "Well," the wizened old priest drawled out, "there ain't much call for one. You're the first person to ask in about, oh, since I was an acolyte." Bob was mollified... he was practical enough to realize if there wasn't a consumer demand he wasn't going to have a shrine. Oh well, maybe he could ask this guy instead. "I'm suprised. Oh, well. Maybe you can tell me, why does this city flourish in the middle of barenness?" "The city takes care of us." "Yeah, but why do you flourish?" "Like I said, the city takes care of us... it's alive, you know." "Lemme get this straight," the dusty caravaner who was actually Bob said. "FalAlFar is one big sentient city?" He sent his awsome Bobness forth to see if this was, indeed, true. He got his answer as the old wizened priest gave his. "Yes... it's something to do with the silicon imbedded in the granite we use to build this city. Or so some learned circles say. I say, don't confuse the issue, it's magic and that's that. Silicon, indeed. Humph!" "Well, here's a little gold, set up a shrine to Bob, will you... you can keep twenty percent as long as the job gets done right." "I never could understand a god that condones graft," the wizened old priest said as he tucked the pouch inside his volumuous robes, "but I'm human enough to. Alright, a cool little shrine will be dedicated to Bob as soon as I can get the temple handymen off of their holy wine break. So long, stranger." As Bob walked through the city, he marveled at its complexity and its being well maintained. He marveled that this was done, but he soon found out why. He saw people talking to certain buildings or others, and getting answers to the questions they posed. And, whenever a person did something wrong (lying, littering) a building would shout "I saw that! Pick that back up!" How could a child of Bobism survive in such a sterile and law abiding atmosphere? He could almost understand why the marketplace was composed entirely of tents... as property is theft and most business exchanges are a bit illegal on one party's or the other's side. This situation must be subversed, but slowly. An idea hit him as he watched the monotony of the white marble, silicon enhanced buildings. An idea that would be a coup for any god, yet even a mortal could do it. He ran back to the bazzar as fast as his present body's feet could take him. Bob ran into the marketplace again, and looked around, trying to find the sort of man he wanted. Then, he found it... He walked over to the dirty caravanner, who was leaving with a full load of exotic spices and little plastic dolls that this city made so well. "Are you for hire?" he asked the man. "After you're done with this, I got a special one time load for you to pick up." "Yeah, Mac," he said, not groveling and fauning because he did not realize it was a GOD that he was talking to. "Right. You can afford the one thousand gold it takes for a special load." "Here's twenty five now," Bob said, summoning the gold into his pocket from some nearby other person's pocket. "You can have the remainder when the job is done. Meet me here when you come back, in two weeks. If you don't meet me here, I'll use the rest of the gold to hire assasins to track you down and make you wish you hadn't cheated on your taxes." "You got it. Now, I gotta get out of town before they ask if I've paid the export fee. Wagons, ho!" Then Bob went through the city. He looked, and looked, and finally he found what he was looking for. An actually empty lot in the middle of the city, just large enough for his purposes. It was even convienently located, next to a money lender's shop and a temple, and a brothel. This was GREAT! That night he rented a room and began his plans on paper. He had three sets when he was done, one for the city planners and some of the constructors, one set showing only what certain other people were to build out of, and the third, master set that actually showed it all and revealed Bob's master plan... He rubbed his hand in glee at the prospects of the monumental mischief he had planned. The next day, he went about establishing his assumed identity, buying expensive clothes and hanging about in bars, and buying little "I want to do business" types of gifts for the city council and certain key businessmen. He also found out exactly what the local building codes were, that every building had to be of the silicon impregnated marble and it had to be connected by a qualified magic stone technician. He'd have to subvert one to get this opperation going, so he found one in a bar and made friends with him, buying him repeated drinks. Then he informed the bartender that his tab was not only paid in full but well in advance. Bob would have no trouble getting him out of the way when it came time to. The next day he submitted his plans to the general council for a tavern he wished to construct on the vacant site. "I just love this place, and I think I want to settle down here," he lied. With most of the council well grafted, he had no problem getting the deed to the lot and permission to build a small tavern and inn. The plan was afoot.... Within the week the groundwork had been laid and the marble floor put in. Due to the advanced building techniques used (actual levers and pulleys, real high tech if you know what I mean) they made it quite far in the week. Then the caravanner came back. "You guys keep building, I've got to go see about some work." So Bob took the caravaner and went back into the bazaar, hiring a gang of stonecutters. "I got a SPECIAL job for you guys, so come with me to the quarries." They all went to the quarries, where Bob gave one of his sets of partial plans and directions. "Yeah, don't dig from the normal quarry site. Start digging into THAT hill, and when you reach the marble let me know." For Bob, using his mighty Bobness knew exacly what they would find behind the cliff face. Meanwhile, he and the caravanner got plastered on a really fine vintage that he had picked up in his travels. When the work crew had brushed away the lesser rock and dirt, they were amazed at what they found. They found not white marble, but black marble with silicon and other impurities. "Hey, boss, the technicians say not to touch this shit. That it might be impure or something." Bob grinned a grin that extended about 12 feet off of his face. "I know. Just do it." And he began giggling as he poured some more wine. They stayed there two days and nights until Bob felt they had enough of the black marble to foul up the white marble. Before dawn on the second day, they snuck back into town, after causing a landslide over the area they had dug out to erase their tracks and evidence of cutting. Then Bob bribed a man to let him use his warehouse. He would have broken in but that would have attracted the attention of the city. He did keep the black marble under cover so the city wouldn't realize what he was going to do until it was too late. Close to a month passed before the main structure was finished. On the night that was done, Bob brought in the wagonloads of black marble and began putting them in place himself.... It was a good thing that Bob was a god and had nearly inexhaustable endurance, for he worked all night putting the black marble slabs into the correct places, and mortaring them into place with the right materials, and covering up the black marble with pencil thin slabs of white marble. In the morning, he consumed a bottle of vodka for his next job, going to the bar where he left the drunkard magic marble technician. "Heysh," he said, "it's mysh good buddysh, whatsh hish name!" "Hi," Bob said, trying to put the slouch in his body and the slur in his voice. "Heysh, I got my bar almost done, wanna check it out and have a round on meesh?" Bob helped the staggering technician out of the bar, and they started singing a happy drunkard's song... "KEEP IT QUIET!" the city said imperiously, which made them sing a little louder so they could be heard over FalAlFar. "I SAID, KEEP IT QUIET OR I CALL THE COPS!" But before the city could make good its threat, they were inside the new bar. "Hook 'er up, Charlie," Bob said, going behind a magicaly stocked bar and fiddling with some switches. The bar's circuits were in passive mode, merely reporting everything the city did. "Hmm.." the drunk technician mumbled in a snockered man's overcareful yet futile concentration. But, being drunk, and everything being well disguised, he could not see the black marble, or the controlls behind the counter. Finally, he got out his tool bag and began the connections in silver wire and silicon putty to the main streets of the city. "Itsh done, and I need a drink." Bob slipped some grain into the rum he handed over, so it was potent enough to put the drunkard to sleep. Then he brought the bar into active mode. "Bar," he said in a cool, level tone Gods get when they expect their commands to be obeyed, "program the city to accept me as a random prominent citizen, not as my assumed identity." A voice much like the one used by the city said, "You got it boss. What else?" "Any time I look like I'm about to do anything illegal, blank out the city's senses and cause some misdirection somewhere else." "Got it." Now it was time for Bob to do something truly holy. He simultaneously appeared to all of his priests in their dreams, saying "The once off limits city of FalAlFar is now EASY PICKINGS, if they split the take 70/30. This has been a Bob-O-Gram." Thus, slowly did the crime rate go up at FalAlFar, which vexed the once proud city mightily. Bob made sure they didn't steal too much, for then the city might get serious about cracking down on crime. And no one understood why the little bar between the moneychanger, temple and whorehouse was so sucessful. Except Bob, who passed it on to one of his priests when one got there, and the bar itself, who was known to pull even greater stunts when no one was watching. But this, of course, is another tale... %%%%%%%%%%% John Wayne Gacy Speaks! 1-900-454-GACY (4229) ############################################################################## C O N V E N T I O N S February 25-27, 1994 (California, Southern) CON-DOR. Town & Country, 500 Hotel Circle, San Diego, CA 92108; (619)291-7131; rms $69 sngl/dbl. GoH: Jerry Pournelle; AGoH: Rick Sternbach. Memb: $30 until 2/10/94, $35 after. Info: Con-Dor, Box 15771, San Diego CA 92175; (619)447-6311. February 25-27, 1994 (Washington) RADCON 1B. The Tower Inn, Richland, WA. GoH: V.E. Mitchell; Science GoH: Don Segna; AGoH: "Kev" Brockschmidt; FGoH: Glen Allison. Info: RadCon, 2527 W. Kennewick Ave. #162, Kennewick, WA 99336. (206) 943-5908. February 25-27, 1994 (Kentucky) CONCAVE 15/UPPERSOUTHCLAVE XXIV. Park Mammoth Resort, Park City, KY; (502) 749-4101; rms $29/$39/$44/$49. Goh: Ben Jason. Relaxacon. Memb: $15 until 2/4/49, $20 after. Info: CONCAVE 15, PO Box 3221, Kingsport, TN 37664; (615) 239-3106. March 3-6, 1994 (Arizona) WORLD HORROR CON 4. Fountain Suites Hotel, Phoenix, AZ; rms $99. GoHs: Charles Grant, Dan Simmons; AGoH: Gahan Wilson; TM: Edward Bryant. Memb: $75. Info: World Horror Con 4, Box 60008, Phoenix, AZ 85082; (602) 841-5153 (Doreen Webbert) or (602) 945-6890 (Jean Goddin). March 4-6, 1994 (California, Northern) CONSONANCE '94. Airport Radisson, San Jose, CA. GoH: Larry Warner; TM: Dr. Jane Robinson. Emph: Filk. Memb: $30 until 2/4/94, $35 after. Info: Consonance, c/o Wail Songs, Box 29888, Oakland CA 94604. March 4-6, 1994 (Missouri) CONFLATION 2. Radisson Hotel Clayton, 7750 Carondelet, St. Louis, MO 63105; (314) 726-5400. Guests: Aviva, Stan Schober. You must be over 21 to attend. Memb: $20. Info: Conflation, PO Box 19377, St. Louis, MO 63144; (314)385-2875. March 4-6, 1994 (New York) ASTRONOMICON 3. Radisson Inn, Rochester NY. GoH: Jack L. Chalker; AGoH: Frank Kelly Freas; FGoH: jan howard finder (Wombat). Media GoH: Grace Lee Whitney. Memb: $20 until 2/1/94, $25 after. Info: Rochester Fantasy Fans, Wayne Brown, Box 1701, Rochester NY 14603; (716)342-4697; email: wjb@moscom.com. March 4-6, 1994 (Wisconsin) WISCON 18. Holiday Inn SE, Madison WI. GoHs: Karen Joy Fowler, Melinda M. Snodgrass; SGoH: James Frenkel. Memb: $20 in advance, $30 at door. Info: WisCon18, Box 1624, Madison WI 53701-1624; (608)233-8850. March 4-6, 1994 (England) MASQUE III. Stakis Victoria Hotel, Nottingham UK. British Costume Con. Memb: L25 until 4/30/94; L5 supporting. Info: Masque III, c/o Mike Percival, 4 Ednaston Court, Yeldersley Lane, Ednaston, Ashbourne, Derbyshire DE6 5BA UK; email: pxs@dcs.ed.ac.uk. March 11-13, 1994 (Arizona) SPACE ACCESS '94. Grace Inn, Ahwatukee (near Phoenix), AZ; rms $80 sngl/dbl, $110 suite. Guests: Jerry Pournelle, Larry Niven, G. Harry Stine, Kim Kyger, more. Space conference with SF guests. Memb: $70 until 2/15/94. Info: Space Access Society, 4855 E. Warner Rd. #24-150, Phoenix AZ 85044. March 11-13, 1994 (Massachusetts) BASH '94. Sheraton Tara Hotel, Braintree MA; (617) 848-0600; rms $87. GoH: Siddig El Fadil; Guests: Nigel Bennett. Dealer's room, Friday Night Ferengi Fever Dance, Vampire's Ball, Costume Call, Video Room, Charity Auction, more. Non-Smoking convention. Memb: $30 until 1/31/94, $35 after (Children under 13 $16, under 6 free). Info: BASH '94, c/o The Boston Star Trek Association, Inc., PO Box 1108, Boston, MA 02103-1108; (617) 894-BSTA. March 16-20, 1994 (Florida) INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE ON THE FANTASTIC 15. Airport Hilton, Fort Lauderdale FL; rms $82 sngl, $92 dbl. GoH: Roger Zelazny; Guest Writer: Ben Bova. Permanent SGoH: Brian Aldiss. Memb: $70 until 1/7/94, $80 until 3/1/94, $145 at door (discounts for students)Info: IAFA, College of Humanities, 500 NW 20th HU-50 B-9, Florida Atlantic U., Boca Raton FL 33431; (717)532-1495. March 18-20, 1994 (California, Northern) CONTACT XI. Biltmore Hotel, Santa Clara CA. World-building conference. Memb: $50 in advance, $75 at door. Info: Contact XI, Box 506, Capitola CA 95010-0506. March 18-20, 1994 (New York) LUNACON '94. Rye Town Hilton, 699 Westchester Avenue, Rye Brook, New York; (914)939-6300; rms $86 sngl, $93 dbl, $103 tpl/quad. GoHs: Vonda McIntyre, James Warhola, Walter R. Cole; Special Musical Guest: Dean Friedman; Comics Industry Guests: Walter & Louise Simonson; Featured Filker: Peter Grubbs. Memb: $30 until 2/18/94, $40 after (children 6-12 half-price). Info: Lunacon '94, P.O. Box 3566 Church Street Station, New York, NY 10008-3566. March 18-20, 1994 (Canada, Ontario) ODYSSEY TREK '94. Skyline Brock Hotel, 5705 Falls Ave., Niagara Falls, Ontario Canada L2E 6W7; (800) 263-7135; rms $48 sgl/dbl. Guests: Ty Templeton, David Rossi, John Prisel, El Fadil, Robert O'Reilly; MC: Larry Stewart. Memb: $34 until 3/18/94, $40 after (children 6-14 $17 until 3/18/94, $20 after). Info: Odyssey Trek, Box 47541, Center Mall, Hamilton, Ontario L8H 7S7; (416) 578-1034; email: brian.upward@canrem.com. March 19-21, 1994 (Canada, Ontario) RHINOCON 3. Ramada Inn 401, London ON, Canada; rms C$75. GoHs: Judith Merril, Phullis Gotlieb, Katherine MacLean. Info: RhinoCon 3, Box 151, ALisa Craig, ON Canada, N0M 1A0. March 24-27, 1994 (South Carolina) HToMC Sanctioned event!!!!! MAGNUM OPUS CON 9. Hyatt Regency, Greenville, SC. Guests: Timothy Zahn, Dr. Raymond Moody, Jr., David Weber, more. Info: MOC-9, Box 6585, Athens GA 30603; (706)549-1533. March 24-27, 1994 (Texas) AGGIECON XXV. Texas A&M University, TX. GoHs: Greg Bear, Lois McMaster Bujold, Charles de Lint, Julius Schwartz, Frank Kelly-Freas, Laura Brodian Kelly-Freas. Memb: TAMU students $13, non-students $15, Children 5-12 $5 until 3/1/94, TAMU students $16, non-students $18, Children 5-12 $7 after. Info: MSC Cepheid Variable, PO Box J-1 - MSC, College Station TX 77844; (409)845-1515. March 25-27, 1994 (Ohio) MILLENICON -7. Stouffer's Center Plaza, Dayton OH; rms $67. GoH: Larry Niven. Memb: $20 until 1/31/94, $25 after. Info: MilleniCon -7, Box 626, Dayton OH 45405; (513)275-6027. March 25-27, 1994 (Tennessee) MIDSOUTHCONN 13. Best Western Airport Hotel, Airways and Democrat (airport exit off I-240 South Loop); Memphis TN; (901)332-1130; rms $55. GoH: Barbara Hambly; AGoH: Larry Elmore; FGoH: Ken Moore. Media Guest: Robin Curtis. Memb: $25 until 3/1/94, $30 after; (Children under 12 - 1/2 price). Info: MidSouthCon 13, P.O. Box 22749, Memphis TN 38122; (901)274-7355. March 31 - April 3, 1994 (California, Southern) PHIL & ED'S EXCELLENT CONVENTION. Burbank Airport Hilton Hotel, 2500 Hollywood Way, Burbank, CA 91505; rms $78 sngl/dbl/tpl/quad, $98 suite; (800) 643-7400. Media GoH: Gerry Anderson; GoH: John Varley; AGoH: Chris Achilleos, SGoH: Shusei Nagaoka, EGoH: Marv Wolfman; Comic AGoH: Stan Sakai, Filk GoH: Leslie Fish; Actress GoH: Yvonne Craig; TM: Gary Owens; Guests: Lynne Abbey, Robert Lynn Asprin, Frank Kelly Freas, Laura Brodian Freas, Todd Hamilton, Harry Harrison, George Clayton Johnson, Andy Probert, more. Art Show, Dances, Dealers Room, 3 Gaming Rooms, 2 Filking Rooms, 24-hour Film Room, Masquerade, Media Museum, Video Room, Japanimation Room, 24-hour Con Suite. Memb: $35 until 2/1/94, $40 at door (checks to PECoN Associates); $5 supporting. Info: Phil and Ed's Excellent Convention, P.O. Box 1064, Lomita, CA 90717-0646. March 31-April 3, 1994 (Washington) NORWESCON 17. SeaTac Red Lion Hotel, SeaTac, WA; rms $75. Guests: Katherine Kurtz, Scott McMillan. Memb: $40 until 2/28/94, $45 after. Info: NorWesCon 17, c/o NWSFS, Box 24207, Seattle, WA 98124; (206)248-2010. April 1-3, 1994 (Kansas) NEOCON 5. Galaxy Cross Wichita East, Wichita KS; rms $52. GoH: Bradley Denton; AGoH: Lucy Synk; FGoH: David Means; TM: John Dalmas. Memb: $20. Info: NeoCon 5, Box 48431, Wichita KS 67201; (316)263-3564. April 1-3, 1994 (Maryland) BALTICON. Hyatt Regency at Inner Harbor, Baltimore MD; (410)528-1234; rms $93 sngl/dbl, $108 tpl/quad. GoH: Mercedes Lackey, AGoH: Larry Dixon; SGoH: Frederik Pohl; Filk GoH: Duane Elms; FGoH: Sue Wheeler. Memb: $30 until 3/1/94, $40 after. Info: BSFS, PO Box 686, Baltimore, MD 21203-0686; (410)563-2737; email: bsfs@access.digex.net. April 1-3, 1994 (Minnesota) MINICON 29. Radisson Hotel South, Bloomington, MN; (612)835-7800 or (800)333-3333; rms $53 1-4 people, $64 Cabana, $99 2-room suite, $139 3-room suite. GoH: Jack Williamson; FGoH: Rusty Hevelin; Publisher GoH: Tom Doherty. Memb: $22 pre-reg until 2/20/94, $55 at door (Children under 12 $10 pre-reg, $15 at door); $10 supporting. Info: Minicon 29, PO Box 8297, Lake Street Station, Minneapolis, MN 55408-8297. ][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][-][ R-A-V-E-S (If you still have your hearing intact) ***************************************************************************** Friday, February 25 Washington DC 202.828.1944 BUZZ 410.880.1166 Buzz is: Every other Friday 10 PM til 5AM 18 & over with ID $6 before midnight, $8 after located at 1824 Half St. SW. Washington, DC _____________________________________________________________________________ Fraiday, February 25 Gallatin TN (near Nashville) 615.941.1654 JOLT box 5750 DUEL Proudly Presents: JOLT-Twice the energy and all the power! Friday Feburary 25th 6pm-until $7.00 cover - all ages Cone bear witness to a fusion of intelligent lighted attacks and a $20,000 kosmic lazer show by Maxxium S & L, set to 25,000 watts of phat cybersound and bone bashing bass by D.U.E.L. $100 prize for the wildest outfit! Hairwraps by JAH-LOVE Art by AM-E Technopops by TERESA Your guides for the evening: DJ EN-R-GE DJ CONTINUUM DJ LOOP DJ HARDCORE Live performance by EN-R-GE and CONTINUUM with the HYPERSPEED dancers! For more information and directions call 615.941.1654 box 5750 _____________________________________________________________________________ Friday, February 25 Raleigh, NC 910.251.7781 RAVEOLUTION 919.836.8535 February 25th , 1994 Stretch the outer limits of your imaginations as the concept of reality becomes abstract. Surrender yourself in a Revolutionary Artistic Visual Experience that will take you to the edge as COSMIC F/X presents: RAVEOLUTION doors open at 10PM, seven dollars 40 GODZILLION watt fortress of sound! Featuring the PULSATING VIBES of *D.J. Lance* the UNDERGROUND GROOVES of D.J. Kasheem Licensed Bar Information call:910-251-7781 Decor by Mood Swing 919-836-8535 Friendly Security Your Destination: 2820 Industrial and MUCH MUCH MORE!! The Ritz Theatre Raleigh, NC _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, February 26 Lexington, KY. 606.281.4193 MOMENTUM jsquared,eventions & wrfl present M O M E N T U M unspeakable acts two: the coming w/ Mike Huckaby, Terry Mullan, Dieselboy, Dave Hollands, & Cosmic + Jimi Doom, Full Brain, & ~... _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, February 26 Dallas, Tx. 214.682.9111 EVOLUTION 2 When: Saturday Feb. 26th, 1994 9pm-Dawn Where: E-Productions Warehouse 2920 Canton in Deep Ellum Cost: $10 at Ticketmaster, $13 day of show Performers: A-1 & Red Eye, Mikey-B, Hoo-Man!, Jeff K., Miss Melissa, Rob Vaughan, Rob Taylor & Hipp-E, Booth, K-2 _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, February 26 Orlando, Fl. 407.262.1000 SPRING REUNION PROGRAM Beacham Classics Chris and Dave Saturday Late Nights (3am-8am) The Classic Beacham Theatre 46 North Orange Blvd. Downtown Orlando, Florida, USA For Weekly updates and specials: Always call: 407-262-1000 $7 cover, eighteen and older please All Presale Tickets Available Exclusively at: The Drop Shop 407-839-6050 (DJ's are dave cannalte, kimball collins, chris fortier, guy ornadell, jimmy van m.....) _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, March 5 Charlotte, NC 704.883.8495 SYNTHETIC EXPRESS Dj's: Brett Long (chapel hill) Drew Detweiler (boone) Scott Hardkiss (san francisco) (!) Guest DJ's from Madrid, Spain, and Miami, Fla. Smart Bar by Ox, 1st 50 in recieve free mix tape and get in for $10 $12 otherwise Located at 620 W. Morehead St, Charlotte, NC info: 704-883-8495 _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, March 5 Baltimore, Md. 410.997.1882 SONIC SOUL Interactive Trance Ambient Atmosphere _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, March 5 Miami, Fl. 800.997.7884 CHILDREN OF THE MILLENIUM 305.557.9048 trance zone house zone pascal f.e.o.s. efx & digit (resistance d/germany) (san francisco) dr. psychosis carlos espinosa (miami) (miami) reese tony carrasco (astralwerks) (italy) kumulus george morel (antwerp) (new york) tony garcia steve loria (new york) (los angeles) dj hell oscar g (berlin) (murk/miami) tix are only $10 + a "small service charge" when bought in advance through Ticketmaster. at power studios, 3701 ne 2nd ave, miami _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, March 5 Orlando, Fl. 407.262.1000 SPRING REUNION PROGRAM Stress Records and DMC Party Chris Dave and Kimball Special Guest DJ's... Dave Seaman of Brothers in Rythym and Guy from DMC New York Saturday Late Nights (3am-8am) The Classic Beacham Theatre _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, March 12 Orlando, Fl. 407.262.1000 SPRING REUNION PROGRAM Pure Underground Jimmy Chris and Dave Saturday Late Nights (3am-8am) The Classic Beacham Theatre _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, March 19 Baltimore, Md. 410.523.1882 SPIRITUAL MOVEMENT III The DJ line-up: Neuromancer Micro DJ Sun Jason Jinx Scott Henry Richie Hawtin Moby Lasers by Pawn Stiltwalkers Gyrobix and Visuals by Psylicybin For more info, contact Modern Music at (410)523-1882 _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, March 19 Orlando, Fl. 407.262.1000 SPRING REUNION PROGRAM Unity's Renaissance Reunion Jimmy Chris Dave and Kimball Special Guest DJ's... John Digweed and Sasha and Vocal PA by Sam Mollison Saturday Late Nights (3am-8am) The Classic Beacham Theatre _____________________________________________________________________________ Saturday, March 26 Orlando, Fl. 407.262.1000 SPRING REUNION PROGRAM The Beacham "Classics" Dave and Kimball Saturday Late Nights (3am-8am) The Classic Beacham Theatre %%%%%%%% Gilligan's Island The Seven Deadly Sins ----------------- --------------------- Gilligan Gluttony The Skipper Wrath Mr. Howell Avarice Mrs. Howell Sloth Ginger Lust Mary Ann Envy The Professor Pride Holy Temple of Mass Consumption PO Box 30904 Raleigh, NC 27622 or Slack@ncsu.edu quartz.rutgers.edu:/pub/journals/HToMC Pissing in the meme pool since 1990

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