HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSU

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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S* $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ #24: Bottom-feeding Scumsuckers for "Xuxa" $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption PO Box 30904 Raleigh, NC 27622 NEWS since the last time: Congrats go out to HOWARD STERN for his New Year's Eve show. Besides being one of the most vulgar, gross, and crude presentations ever on tv, it also MADE MORE MONEY THAN ANY PAY-PER-VIEW SPECIAL IN HISTORY!!! Prudish critics can stick that straight up their asses and twist on it. Just for this, Howard is very high on the list of suggested Short Duration Personal Saviors for 1994. He should be on TV every day. Where else can you see naked lesbians pouring maggots down their throats? HOUR OF SLACK STATIONS KNON, Dallas/Ft. Worth; 89.3 FM: Sundays at 9:00 pm. KZSU, Stanford, CA; 90.1 FM: Midnight on Sundays WFMU, East Orange, NJ; 91.1 FM: Sundays at 11:30 pm. WZRD, Chicago, IL; 88.3 FM: 9 pm on Mondays. WCSB, Cleveland State Univ., OH; 89.3 FM: 9pm Sundays. WITR, Rochester, NY; 89.7 FM: Mondays 11:00 pm. WARG, Summit, IL; 88.9 FM: Fridays at 7:00 pm. WREK, Atlanta, GA; 91.1 FM; Saturdays at midnight. WORT, Madison, WI; 89.9 FM; (call for times) CJAM, U. of Windsor, Canada (reaches Detroit) 91.5 FM 6 pm on Mondays KPFT, Houston, TX; 90.1 FM (call for time) WUOG, Athens, GA; 90.5 FM: Fridays at 6:30 pm. And of course the KPFA show in Berkeley, CA with Dr. Howl and Puzzling Evidence, 94.1 FM: 4:30 am Saturdays. [cool graphics Branch Dobbsidians in M0524 Jester Center text 101 E. 21st St. version Austin, Texas 78705-5695 only] email: lizardo@tic.com Send $1 for random cool stuff of our choice. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Sacrificial Offerings to the Omnipotent PO Box Coffee Grounds #3 - This zine tells the story of Chris' experience living in Czechoslovakia as an English language teacher, with sleazy rooming houses, bars, and the quest for female companionship in a strange land. Plus, some zines listed, movies by Don, and a neat, if unreadable, Czech comic. Not as wild and intense as some personal zines, but it almost makes you feel that you were there. Chris Becker, 516 McMorran Blvd, Port Huron, MI 48027-9447 Eat or Die - official zine of the Church of the Rewired Savior. Many multiple pages of bulldada collages, klan dna kanji, and assorted strangeness. Plus, this one has the cat comic "the 9 lives of Birdie", an the Sermon to the Downwardly Mobile. Peace, Love, and Militant Paranoia. send $2 to: P. Santo, 230 Avenue B, Apartment 4, Bayonne, NJ 07002 Spare R.I.B.S. #6 - Libertarian/freedom-oriented zine with lots of hard- hitting articles on the state of societal decay, and the heavy hand of an increasingly paternalistic government in it. This issue has transcripts of the Gene Burns show with Geoffrey Fieger, the lawyer for Jack Kevorkian, how the government controls the media, as well as the debate over violence in TV, movies, Beavis & Butthead, and other media. Lots more. There is no cost for this, but contributions of material and money are welcome. Write to: David Kennerly, 2329 Glascock St., Raleigh, NC 27610 Stay Free! - Interviews, book/record reviews, and articles from the always- present but only recently popular underground. Interview with Gina Arnold on how the Sub Pop movement has subverted the mainstream with Nirvana as the crowning achievement, Also the Spinanes, Mekons, Half Japanese, plus lots of other commentary and meaningful silliness. Write to: PO Box 702, Chapel HIll NC 27514 or e-mail: cpalmati@email.unc.edu Trash #13 - Lurid details of the year 1993 in detail, tons of record reviews, miscellaneous columns and the great full-page comics, T-Square, and Mickey Death. All the info you need on the Carrboro/Chapel Hill scene. 6 issues for $7. 405 E. Main St. Carrboro, NC 27510 (919) 968-8482 Wiener Hut #4 - Local Raleigh zine with tons of great tips for places to eat and shop for those without tons of cash. Scathing analysis of Rush Limbaugh, reviews of street bible tracts, and reviews of lots of zines in the Raleigh area that even I haven't heard of. What this zine may lack in production value (much of it is handwritten), it more than makes up for in content. Too bad there's no address or name anywhere on it, but get it at Reader's Corner. <<>>> [Entropy Acrobats artwork here if only you had the print version] $-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$-$ Pat Robertson's Recommended Comics: ***** Cherry #15 - On a trip into the countryside, our favorite slut Cherry encounters hillbillies, Bigfoot, biker/4x4 gangs, reclusive cults, pot farmers, and yuppie retreats. The sex and parties roll as they all get together. Plus, Cherry and Ellie travel back millions of years and find intelligent and civilized dinosaurs, who they save from extinction with sexual time-travel devices and UFOs. Kitchen Sink Press ** Plus, Larry Welz has started the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund, to help ** stores that get busted for selling adult comics. Check this out by ** writing to: CBLDF, PO Box 693, Northampton, MA 01061 **** Demi the Demoness #2 - Continuing D&D/fantasy/x-rated adventure with Demi. In this one, she uses her sexual powers to escape attacks by spud creatures, only to end up captured by demons. This is as explicit as any other comic I've ever seen, with an actual story to it. Rip Off Press. **** Eightball #12 - More great short stories by Daniel Clowes. Another episode of "Ghost World", plus the origins of Dan Pussey and others. Fantagraphic Books 7563 Lake City Way NE, Seattle WA 98115 *** Hate #14 - More adventures in the life of Buddy Bradley, in this one he attends a dinner party with an ex-girlfriend and her "friends". Bagge perfectly captures the essense of so many contemptible people in real life- almost too realistically. Plus, Leonard in "Stinky Does Gotham". Fantagraphic *** H.P. Lovecraft's Cthulhu: The Festival part 1 - Necronomicons, strange family curses, strange ancient New England towns, cults, and monsters are all part of this quite good story based on the classic Cthulhu cult. Plus, this one has Herbert West, the Reanimator. Millenium Publications. *** Itchy & Scratchy #1 - This is the meta-comedy cartoon show that has appeared on the Simpsons a few times, and is pretty much the logical end conclusion of violent, gory comics. The comic is faithful to the tastelessness of the tv show. Bongo Comics 1999 Ave. of the Stars, LA, CA 90067 ** Negative Burn #5 - This issue is a bit more esoteric and artsy than the others. Still interesting, but a quick read. Best stories are Sojourn, with the infinite-universes theme, and Mr. Mamoulian. Caliber Press. *** Post Brothers #34 - Since Ron Post killed all the lawyers in Bugtown in issue #32, Russell Post hires the single remaining lawyer, and sues Big Al on behalf of all his tenants. Russell then takes over as the ultimate slumlord of all Bugtown. Meanwhile, Jerri erases all of Russell's tapes and continues her revenge. Russell goes nuts and blames Boche, invades Narcosis Labs, and has a fight with Cthulhu. Lots of action. Rip Off Press. **** Ren & Stimpy #15 - For a change, a good story with lots of in-jokes. Ren finds out that not only is he on Santa's "naughty" list, but that Santa sees everything with his world-wide surveillance network. Ren & Stimpy break into Santa's castle, steal all his records, and Ren uses them to blackmail everyone, even Santa himself. Marvel Comics *** Ren & Stimpy #16 - Ren & Stimpy find Elvis and lure him back to their trailer, but he eats everything and leaves before the media arrives. Ren, wanting to cash in it, forces Stimpy to impersonate Elvis and resume his career. Also, R&S as ambulance drivers rescuing injured pizza. Marvel Comics *** Whot Not #2 - Demented, cynical comics take a hard look at American society in all its hypocritical glory. Or, just plain strange and gross for its own sake. Obvious SubG influence. Fantagraphics Books. Call: They Might Be Giants' Dial-a-Song number, (718)963-6962. $--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$--$ A SubGenius Story By Derek Milhous Zumsteg With Bob gone, things were better for those of us that worked in Puzzling Evidence- more conspiracies meant more work, more overtime and more personnel, which helped us create more conspiracy and puzzling evidence. Wheels within wheels within wheels. Puzzling Evidence had been turned into a shell, as was popularly believed, but this was only one of Stang's little inspirations- while the Langely fools hunted in vain for Bob's death commandoes, the "Fingers of Death," operating somewhere in Texas, the real Puzzling Evidence had reemerged, rebuilt, stronger than ever, with the most important mission we could ever be given- The Ressurection. The Bob we offered initially as the "Re-Erected Bob" was, in fact, nothing more than a zombie, using technology that would later net us all fortunes when we invented the FunDroids line of robots. But back then, in the dark ages of Republican Attorney Generals, we had to come up with a stop gap measure to hold together the troops until the truth could emerge. But while too many SubGenius regulars commented that he kept telling the same jokes and seemed strangely out of it, no one caught on, mostly because Bob had done the same thing alive. At the same time, the work on a real, authentic Bob continued in secret inside Tucson, Arizona. Twelve levels below a inconspicuous travel agency where we took our rare breaks by booking redneck couples on honeymoons on the African Sahara, Bob's shattered form had lain, supported by the best medical equipment we could buy, steal, build and find on the highway median. Hit by !M% bullets, fired by at least (#X%) gunmen, the best medical personnel in the world had saved what they could and stabilized the corpse's deterioration. The Re-Erected Bob had been let loose on the world, but our work had only begun. The complex was filled with Cray supercomputers, geneticists and scrawny college computer engineers, working non-stop to clone enough new tissue to allow reconstruction and eventually cloning of True Bobs on the brink of X-day, when the world would need him most. But Bob's DNA was far too hard to reconstruct, having structures beyond our comprehension- I heard one tech muttering "triple eyes, triple helix". We were forced to construct the tissue from scratch, attempting to rebuild what we hoped could serve as a stop-gap until Bob's incredible slack, contained even in shadows of his DNA and that which aspired to copy it, would slowly allow us to make discoveries that, in turn, would help us in our quest to better copies of the fragments we held on to. While the Yetis had been more than cooperative, the human side had proved much more difficult. So far, besides various slightly decomposed corpses, I'd seen the likes of David Byrne, Noam Chomsky, Timothy Leary (there was some fucked-up DNA), Mike Horovitz, Stanley Kubrick, Will Clark and Long Dong Silver. I'd already killed twice, in Utah, when a Mormon field trip stumbled onto our trap to catch John Cleese skiing. This was just my summer job. But when, on a 110-degree July day, G. Gordon Gordon called me from corporate, I knew it had all been nothing. "Is this Joseph Conrad Miller?" he asked, in gruff tones. "It is," I replied, "at your service." "Yeah, yeah," he said. "The techs tell me it's almost all ready to go, that right?" I had heard rumors. "Certainly is," I lied with pride. "I've got the report in front of me, Joe, don't bullshit around. 'While the DNA cloning is now within reach, computer simulations indicate that while Bob-2 would be brilliant in every sense of the word, retain his humor and be incredibly well-endowed, he would lack the total and plain ignorance that allows him to manipulate the Luck Plane with such adeptness.' What's that mean to you, Joe?" I hesitated. "We need to clone a real idiot." "Not a real idiot," Gordon said. "A real Fool. Don't fail us on this one." And he hung up. "Yessir, rightawaysir, Iunderstandsir," I said to the dial tone. "He will? Thank you very much, sir. Yessir." I turned to the informal supervisor of my section. "Gordon says you're to issue me and my guys two weeks of paid vacation time and your best drugs after this mission. We have to go sample a true Fool." He arched an eyebrow and nodded, his Frop-fried eyes hazy and distant. "Yeah, yeah, I'll do that," he said. My little four-man (and woman) team sat around our own round table, trying to plan our next mission. But before the planning, we had to figure out what exactly we were after. "I vote for fratboys," Hardy said, smiling her white smile. "Fratboys are the ultimate fools." "No, no," Teller, our tech, replied, his Beta-Omega-Beta tatoo probably burning white under his T-shirt. "BOB is a good frat." "Present company excepted," Hardy said. "I think fratboys are idiots, not fools," Paul said. "I think we need to find someone who, despite all the evidence available to them, holds to ridiculous ideas and makes fun of those who do not, picking on physical flaws and appearances." There were general sounds of agreement around the table. "Sounds like you've got someone in mind," I said. "Someone who loves his own image almost as much as Bob enjoys his own." "Are there any? I personally saw Bob ask a Kinko's to make a full million copies of his mimeographed head he could air-drop on Guadalahara," Hardy said. "Yeah, there is," Paul said, smiling. "Who prints books with his head on them, millions of them, who must always have his face somewhere on camera, who uses stacks of his book as background for a television show." "I'll be Dobbs," Teller muttered. "That should take of the vanity genes, too." "No, he's fat," Paul replied. "But is he a Fool?" I asked, finally. "He is a total Fool," Paul said. We didn't fit in well with the rest of the television audience, who were in ill-fitting suits and dresses, white and scared of being in the part of town where shows got taped. Four relaxed, multi-ethnic college kids wearing Armeni suits and electric Dobbs ties didn't fit in well, but we got past the guard easy enough. Before we could move, however, we had to sit through the show itself. If you have watched Rush Limbaugh, if you have heard Rush Limbaugh, if you have heard rumors, you can begin to understand what we went through. The studio, filled with refugees straight from the 1980s and political philosophy from the Paleozoic, was humid and oppressive. Overall, there was a smell of pork. Our plan, orignally, was to wait until the first commercial break and leave, taking a wrong turn on the way to the bathrooms and lying in wait for the big man himself. It didn't work that well. Immediately after his first bit, ridiculing various women in business and their tailors, he turned to the audience and spotted Vasquez. He smiled at her. During the commercial break, he walked over. "Nice to see a Latino woman here," he said. "Don't see many minorities with us. Maybe you'd like to come by after the show and talk about it?" She hesitated, the loyalty to work and self wrestling for dominance. Self won in two quick falls. "Maybe you'd like me to split you from your ass to your appetite?" she said, smiling sweetly. "Guards!" he yelled, clapping, suddenly not so confident and not so cool. "Rock and roll," Vasquez yelled, pulling her heat at point-blank range and aiming at Rush's impossibly shiny shoes. "Dance, fat boy!" she sneered, and stared to fire at alternate feet. The guards rushed us, pulling their own rods. Before we could react, though, they were trampled to death by the frightened herds of Pinks. Vasquez ran out of ammo and fun as the last trophy wife clicked out of the room on high-heels. "Time to go for a ride, Rush," Vasquez said, hustling him out the back, and smiled the most evil and sadistic smile I have ever witnessed in my life. We kept him tied to a chair, with a bare lightbulb above him, suit intact, in a abandoned room in a low-income housing project. "What do you people want?" he asked us, sneering. "Money? I've got it. Cars? No problem. What're you after?" "We'll have none of your False Slack," I said. His face widened. "You're SubGenius!" he exclaimed, and then caught himself. "Oh, you know of us?" Paul asked him from behind. "Maybe you know too much." The fat man's brow was begining to shine with beaded sweat ever so slightly. "What do you know about us," I sneered back at him. "Or, rather, what do you think you know?" "You worship some Bob guy and don't make much sense," he said, too quickly. "He's lying," Hardy said from the wall she leans against. "Lemme rip his balls off," Vasquez pleaded from the corner. "What else are you involved with, Rush?" I asked, very slowly. "My work is my life," he said. "That's all I'm involved with." "What about that blonde kid you're seeing," Paul asks innocently. "You're not involved with him?" His sweaty face went suddenly and totally sheet-white. "What? WHAT?" he screamed, figiting violently, threating to knock the chair over. "Lies! Lies! Lies spread by my enemies!" "Tell us about what else you do, Rush," Paul said. "Or 'Michael' might have an unfortunate accident." "Yeah!" Vasquez said with obvious enthusiasm. "I'd like that." "Idon'tknowanythingItellyounothing oh god oh god oh god oh god I don't know anything about the remote controlled guns or the SWAT team or the Navajo Indians behind the curtain I was out of the loop it wasn't me Bill Casey told me to do it what could I do he had my file and then I found out Michael was CIA and what was I going to do I DIDN'T MEAN TO KILL BOB!!!" he screamed, and broke down, sobbing. "It's all right," Paul said, putting his hand on Rush's shoulder. "No, no it's not," he sobbed. "Bob was always so much more popular than me... he taught me that political philosophy was just another sales pitch. How could I betray that after the success I've had? Oh god oh god oh god..." "I say we kill him," Vasquez muttered, fingering her BobBlade (tm). "Shhhhh.." we said. "oh god, oh god," he sobbed endlessly, and we left him there. When we returned, he was asleep. "He looks like a little angel," Hardy said, sarcasm dripping off her lips. "Ugh," I said, walking around to the back of the chair. With unexpected savagry, I pounded the syringe straight into his posterior. He awoke with a howl, and I began to draw, as slowly as I could manage, a liberal sample. There was a far-off bang and a clatter of boots. "The Con!" Vasquez yelled from the hall over the screaming. "Let's go!" I pulled the syringe out, dropped the needle in his lap as a momento and dashed into the hallway. From the far left, a door crashed down and black vest-clad cops poured in, two-abreast, yelling "Stop! Search Warrant!". We turned as one, sprinting away. Far ahead, a door disintegrated and trenchcoat-wearing G-men flooded the hall. "Freeze!" they yelled at once. "Federal Agents." We stopped. "Well, this is it," Vasquez said, reaching for her gun. "Don't," Paul said, knocking on the door he was leaning on. "Who is it?" came the distant voice. "Uhhh... Avon calling!" Paul said, inspired. "Just a second." Feet shuffled. To our sides, the Con was creeping in on us." A latch opened, and a crack of light appeared. Hardy gave her best smile. The door opened. We ran in, almost knocking the wind out of the poor woman, and closing the door behind us. I peeled five twenties off my roll and pressed them into her hand as we went past, anticipating the inevitable property damage. "Open up! Police!" came the yell. "and Federal Agents!" was the second as we covered the distance to the window. "We've got a warrant!" the first added. "And guns!" the second topped. "And bullet-proof vests? Do have vests?" the first one yelled, louder. "We don't need vests like you Ken and Barbie Playskool (tm) cops, punk!" "Yeah?" "Yeah!" As we opened the living room window, there were sounds of scuffling and as we assembled on the ledge, skulls a'crackin'. We looked down eight floors. "We could survive," Paul said. There were gunshots from the hall. "People with badges!" came the cry. "Jump!" I cried and no one moved. "Jump or.." I said, failing for words. "..or what?" Vasquez asked, quizzicly. "OR KILL ME!!" I yelled, and plunged eight floors into- confetti. My vision was blinded by the dust and in the three rapid thumps I heard around me scraps of paper flew everywhere, snowing little clumps of information. Coughing hard, I clawed my way to the top of the pile. Behind us was a huge cloud of paper-dust, in which cops crashed and sirens bwooped and stopped. We had gotten away clean. Vasquez looked over the side of the bin. "Hey, this is a StangShredder (c) truck," she said. "All this is shredded SubGenius documents going to be recycled." "How lucky," Paul murmered. "Hey, with Bob on your side, there's no such thing as 'luck'," I said, and smiled. Later, as we flew back to Arizona as two husband-wife couples, Hardy nudged me from sleep and asked me her nagging question. "Joe, you know spinal tissue is ideal for cloning. Why'd you do...that?" she finished with obvious distaste. "Because," I said, "job satisfaction is a factor, too." And I dreamed of flying frop plants and hummingbirds with little pipes and gleaming eyes, Bob's true return all the more imminent. $---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$---$ NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE NOTICE I'm a young independent producer living in LA. I'm searching for underground film/video directors for various projects I'm pitching around town. I'm interested in: pagan, eco, leftist, anarchy, politics, lifestyles, scams, punks, collecting, technology, queer, libertarian, fringe, info, outlaw, how to, peace, sex, art, obsessions, news, travel, work, food, paranoia, eccentrics, underground celebrities, fashion, situationism, true crime, vintage revival, pranks, and anything else. I'm especially interested in people who document themselves, their obsessions, and the scenes around them. People interested should send a sample reel, a short bio, a current photo of themselves, and 1-5 one page proposals for projects under 3 minutes. I'm looking for autobiographical documentaries, story telling, dramatic recreations, interviews, histories, philosophies, debates, rants, shout outs, gossip, reviews, lectures Etc.. I'm also looking for underground comic book artists to send me 1-5 proposals for animation clips under 3 minutes. I'm looking for funny, stylized, silly, sick and twisted, political, drugged out, strange, sexual, surreal, queer, hipster, and occult material. Artists should send me scripts, story boards, a larger sample of the work they do, and character sketches. Send color XL copies if possible, cause that'll help my presentations. If any directors have done videos for underground bands Etc. that they're proud of, I'm definitely interested in looking at their reel. The last but not least type of director I'm looking for is one who specializes in performance poetry, and poetry videos. They should send a sample reel, short bio, photo, and 1-5 one page proposals. Please tell anybody that you know to submit before Jan. if they can. I've got several meetings set up with MTV development executives, and producers at that time. Wish me luck. None of these submissions will be returned because I will keep them on file to pitch them in different combinations, and as part of different projects. Josh Darlington (818) 794-5274 3994 N. Fair Oaks Ave. Altadena, CA 91001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (consus) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa had 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75 & 1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II. 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the some fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 240-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. -=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=-=<*>=- Seen in "The Sydney Morning Herald", Sat., January 4 1992 "Column 8" section: "The Japanese seem to have got the Christmas message mixed up. Steve McKenna of Glebe (suburb of Sydney, Aust.) reports that in one Tokyo department store Santa Claus is nailed to the cross." $@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$ C O N V E N T I O N S January 14-16, 1994 (California, Northern) MAKING ORBIT '94. Dunfey Hotel, San Mateo CA; rms $70. Guests: Larry Niven, Poul & Karen Anderson, more. Emphasis: Space development. Memb: $50. Info: Making Orbit '94, 4009 Everett Ave., Oakland CA 94602. January 14-16, 1994 (Tennessee) CHATTACON XIX. Read House Hotel, Chattanooga, TN. GoH: Terry Pratchett, Dean Ing; AGoH: TBA; TM: Wendy Webb. Memb: $30. Write: Chattacon 19, Box 23908, Chattanooga, TN 37422-3908, (404)578-8461; email: 71672.1416@compuserve.com, m.dillson@genie.geis.com. January 14-16, 1994 (Washington) RUSTYCON 11. Radisson - Quality Inn, Seattle, WA. GoH: Bjo Trimble; AGoH: Bob Eggleton; FGoHs: Klingon Diplomatic Corps. Memb: $35. Info: Rustycon 11, Box 84291, Seattle WA 98124-5591. January 15-16, 1994 (California, Southern) SAN DIEGO BOOK FAIR. Town&Country Hotel, San Diego CA. Guests: Chelsea Quinn Yarbro, Alicia Austin, Real Musgrave, more. Memb: $5. Info: Wahrenbrock's Book House; (619)232-0132. January 21-23, 1994 (California, Southern) CONFURENCE V. Airporter Garden Hotel, 18700 MacArthur Blvd., Irvine, CA; (800) 854-3012; rms $55. GoH: A.C. Crispin; AGoHs: Alicia Austin, Terrie Smith. Theme: Anthropomorphic sf. Memb: $25 until 1/15/94, $30 after; $10 supporting. Info: ConFurence, Box 1958, Garden Grove CA 92642-1958; (714) 530-4993; email: sylys@netcom.com. January 21-23, 1994 (Massachusetts) ARISIA '94. Boston Park Plaza Hotel, 64 Arlington St., Boston, MA 02116-3912; rms $75 sngl/dbl, $85 tpl, $95 quad. GoHs: Spider & Jeanne Robinson; AGoH: Michael Whelan; FGoH: David Kyle. Memb: $40. Info: Arisia 5, 1 Kendall Square, Suite 322, Cambridge, MA 02139; (617) 364-1576 (BBS); email: arisia@asylum.sf.ca.us. January 21-23, 1994 (Michigan) CONFUSION XX. Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza, 8000 Merriman Road, Romulus, MI; (313)729-2600; rms $69. GoH: Joan D. Vinge; AGoH: Erin McKee; FGoH: Leah Zeldes Smith; TM: Andrew Offutt; SGoHs: Illuminatus, Ro Nagey. XX-rated ConFusion Masquerade Ball, Alternative Video Room, Amiga Room, Computer Room, Filking, Art Show, Panels, Banquet, more. Memb: $25 (Children under 12 - free). Info: ConFusion, Box 8284, Ann Arbor, MI 48107. January 28-30, 1994 (Florida) VULKON. Hilton & Towers, 333 First St. South, St. Petersburg, FL; (813) 894-5000. Guests: Rene Auberjonois. Star Trek convention. Info: Vulkon, c/o Joe Motes, 12237 SW 50th St., Cooper City, FL 33330; (305)434-6060. January 28-30, 1994 (England) STARBASE. Hilton Hotel, Leeds UK. GoH: George Takei. Memb: L35 in advance. Info: 152 Otley Rd., Headingley, Leeds, LS16 5JX UK. February 4-6, 1994 (Indiana) CONFABULATIOON 6. Stonehenge Lodge, Bedford IN; rms $50. GoH: Judith Tarr; FGoH: Bill Levy; Filk GoH: Renee Alper. Memb: $22. Info: ConFabulation 6, Box 443, Bloomington IN 47402. February 4-6, 1994 (England) VIBRAPHONE. Oak Hotel, Brighton UK. Filk convention. Memb: L27. Info: 2 Duncan Gate, London Rd., Bromley, BR1 3SG UK. February 10-13, 1994 (Illinois) CAPRICON XIV. Wyndham Hamilton Hotel, 400 park Boulevard, Itasca IL 60143; (708)773-4000; rms $69. GoH: Connie Willis; FGoH: David Dyer-Bennett; AGoH: Mary Lynn Skirvin. Memb: $30 until 1/15/94, $40 after. Info: Capricon, Box 60085, Chicago IL 60660; email: karenb@well.sf.ca.us. February 11-13, 1994 (Ohio) CONNECT-A-CON. Holiday Inn Southwyck, 2429 S. Reynolds Rd. Toledo OH 43614. GoHs: Geoffrey Landis, Dave Ivey, Jim Overmyer. Memb: $20 until 1/31/94, $25 after. Info: email: s.shannonm.b@genie.geis.com. February 11-13, 1994 (Washington) POTLATCH III. University Plaza Hotel, Seattle, WA. Theme: small literary convention. Memb: $30; $10 supporting. Info: Potlatch III, PO Box 31848, Seattle, WA 98103-1848; (206)634-3828. February 12-14, 1994 (Ohio) CONNECT-A-CON. Southwyck Holiday Inn, 2429 South Reynolds Rd., Toledo, Ohio 43614; (419) 381-8765; rms $59 sngl, $63 dbl/tpl/quad. GoH; Geoffrey Landis; AGoH: Dave Ivey. Memb: $15 until 1/31/1994, $20 until 2/12/94, $25 after. Info: email: s.shannonm.b@genie.geis.com. February 12-13, 1994 (Washington) NEUROCON '94. CANCELLED. February 13-16, 1994 (Utah) LIFE, THE UNIVERSE & EVERYTHING XII. Brigham Young University, Provo UT. GoHs: Roger Zelazny, Katherine Kurtz, Robert L. Forward; SGoHs: Dave Wolverton, M. Shayne Bell; AGoH: Leonard Parkin. SF/F symposium. Memb: $15 until 2/12/94; $20 after. Info: Life, the Universe & Everything XII, 3163 JKHB, Provo UT 84602. February 18-21, 1994 (California, Northern) COSTUME CON 12. Santa Clara Marriott, Santa Clara CA. Emph: costuming. Memb: $60 (discounts to ICG members); $20 supporting. Info: GBACG/Costume Con 12, c/o Bruce MacDermott, 2801 Ashby Ave., Berkeley CA 94705; (415)469-7602. February 18-21, 1994 (California, Southern) A FIFTH OF GALLIFREY ONE/GALLIFREY '94. Red Lion Inn, 100 W. Glenoaks Blvd., Glendale, CA 91202; (818) 956-5466; rms $72 sngl/dbl, $77 tpl/quad. Guests: Terrance Dicks, Barry Letts, Jean-Marc Lofficier, Randy Lofficier, John Leven, Larry Stewart, more. Doctor Who convention. Memb: $30 until 2/10/94, $35 after. Info: Gallifrey One Conventions, PO Box 3021, North Hollywood, CA 91609. ***************************************************************************** ----------------------------- UPCOMING RAVES -------------------------------- ***************************************************************************** 1/13/94 - GARDEN OF EARTHLY DELIGHTS- JMU,Va. - 703.568.6009 a Boschian excursion into terrestrial planes...and beyond 3 DAYS 3ROOMS 3STYLES EDEN GARDEN of EARTHLY DELIGHTS HELL ambient chill trancetribalacidjungledarknesshouse aural&physicalmayhem --------------------------- 1/15/94 - HUNDREDMONKEYS RENEGADE - Atlanta, GA. - 404.908.3377 starting january 15th hundredmonkeys will be starting a weekly renegade warehouse party at 431 fair street, downtown atlanta. --------------------------- 1/15/94 - SPIRITUAL MOVEMENT II Baltimore 410.523.1882 with Dimitry of dee-lite, On-E NYC, Keoki disco 2000, Who modern music Frankie Bones NYC rave pioneer, Chris & James of the garden club, UK T o t a l T r i b a l C h i l l - o u t --------------------------- 1/20/94 - FEVER w/ Chris & James - Baltimore, MD. - 410.880.1166 10 PM 'till 5 AM * 18 & over * ID required * BYOB for 21 & over Every other Thursday - Located at 1310 Russel Street Baltimore, Md --------------------------- 1/22/94 - GENESIS - Washington, DC - 202.452.7663 Muse Productions & Step Ahead Productions present... GENESIS - Dawn of a New Age Frankie Bones, Marc Allen, Wink...and many more --------------------------- 1/22/94 - TRANQUILITY - Charlotte, NC - 803.731.7052 @620 W. Morehead, Charlotte, NC (the warehouse) 11pm-11am $8 DJ's: DJ Dyke (orlando) Mr. Scarey (atlanta) Kris Krause (strawberry nek), more --------------------------- 1/28/94 - BUZZ - Washington, DC - 202.828.1944 Keoki,Jason Jinx,Scott Henry,Who,Lieven Degeyndt,Marc Allen & Keith Miller Every Other Friday - Opposite Fever $8 or $6 before 12 Midnight 18 & over W/ ID * 10 PM 'till 5 AM 1824 Half Street SW, Washington DC ---------------------------- 1/29/94 - ENERGIZE - Richmond, Va. - 804.256.8578 ---------------------------- 2/04/94 - SHINDIG - Charlotte NC 803.731.7052 @620 W. Morehead St., Charlotte, NC DJ's: DJ Dimetri, Mike Reynolds, Jackie C, Chris Fortier ---------------------------- 2/06/94 - THERMONUCLEAR/SPACENET - Washington, DC - ???.???.???? DJ's DMITRY (..from Deeelite), Guy DMC, Jason jinx, SPEED DEMON, more TBA and a few others and others to be announced ---------------------------- 2/12/94 - HEARTBEAT (A Unity Event) - Greensboro, NC - 910.274.8530 @ The Depot (an old train station) 300 E. Washington St., Greensboro, NC DJ's: Chris Gallagher (atlanta),Jeff Nagel (charlotte),Ed Lebrun (gboro) ***************************************************************************** -------------------------------- RAVE LINES --------------------------------- ***************************************************************************** Rave Alert Hotline - Info on all upcoming east coast events 212.696.8938 ZooM - A Rave Line for all East Coast events! 215.998.9650 North by South Rave Hotline - Atlanta events 404.250.8230 Soundshock - Tennessee 615.742.2333 Anode/Bam - Tennessee 615.780.3730 Trance-Fused - Richmond, Va. - Info on most events in the area. 804.768.2000 Dance America - Nightclub Information Accross the Nation 900.860.7283 Soundshock - Tennessee 901.763.8064 WRAVE - Greensboro and most of NC - seldomly updates 919.574.2555 ***************************************************************************** Holy Temple of Mass Consumption PO Box 30904, Raleigh, NC 27622 e-mail: slack@ncsu.edu archived at quartz.rutgers.edu Enjoyed by dictators and demagogues all around the world

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