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Skeptic Tank!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ -N-E-W-S- $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ Issue #23: Manson Family Values $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ the best things in life are F R E E Holy Temple of Mass Consumption F R E E PO Box 30904 SLACK@ncsu.edu Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere A Thanksgiving Prayer - William S. Burroughs (spoken with a slurred, gravelly drawl) --------------------------------------------- Thanks for the wild turkey and the passenger pigeons destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts. Thanks for a continent to be spoiled and poisoned. Thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger. Thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving their carcasses to rot. Thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes. Thanks for the American Dream to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through. Thanks for the KKK. For nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches. For decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces. Thanks for "Kill A Queer For Christ" stickers. Thanks for laboratory AIDS. Thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs. Thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business. Thanks for a nation of finks. Yes. Thanks for all the memories. "Alright, lets see your arms". (You always were a headache and you always were a bore.) Thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams. -------------- Transcribed from the CD "Dead City Radio" by William S. Burroughs. 6969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696969696 A Tokyo company announced in July that it will market videos consisting soley of the corpses of torture victims from the war in former Yugoslavia. A company spokesman said that, although "Japanese have feelings of love even after someone dies," he thought the videos would be popular because only foreigners' bodies would be shown. Gary Richards, founder of a Jupiter, Fla., company that sells lifelike models of human feet for $74.95 a pair, told the Palm Beach Post in March that he sells about 150 pairs a month to the 4,000 or so foot fetishists who subscribe to his catalog/newsletter, Fantasy Foot News. A sideline is that women who model their feet for Richards also furnish their used shoes for sale to customers. "Most guys are into the odor," said Richards, "so we wrap [the shoes] in plastic. The odor will stay for a long time if you keep it in plastic, and then steam it when you want to use it." Among the products recently brought to market: "PooPets", animal figurines made of cow manure supposedly hand-made by the Amish in Lancaster, Pa., and placed in flower pots as an attractive fertilizer; handcrafted dog beds (starting at $900, plus another $250 for the draperies to hang from the four-poster models) from the New York designer Joseph Biummo; "Fudge on Fire," fudge laced with hot peppers, from the Fudge Farm in Paso Robles, Calif.; and caskets customized in colors of Southeast Conference football teams, from Loretto Casket Co. in Tennessee. Among the products offered for sale by members of Japan's Chindogu Society (an invention support group) and reported recently in *Details* magazine are: "Puss in Boots," a set of four dust slippers enabling cats to dust your flor while they're walking around; waterfilled compartments that strap on your legs, enabling you to wash clothes by walking virgorously; a rack worn on your back, secured by a shoulder brace, on which clothing can be hung to dry while you bicycle around; and a flashlight powered by solar panels. *The Baltimore Sun* reported in June that New York City artist Todd Alden recently asked 400 art collectors worldwide to send him samples of their feces so he can offer them for sale in personalized tins. Said Alden, "Scatology is emerging as an increasingly significant part of artistic inquiry in the 1990s." The feces of Italian artist Piero Manzoni, canned in 1961, rcently sold for $75,000. Blatant Capitalism: Polyester Information Society Music + Books CONTROL-ALT-DELETE To Melt Your Brain! Information Society is coming back Polyester Books with a harder, more alternative edge. (03) 419 5223 16 pg magazine format, quarterly, $5. 330 Brunswick St. Fitzroy Strongly supported by KURT HARLAND, lead singer. Back issues, merchandise Polyester Records available (03) 419 5137 Issue #3- October 1. Join the Network! 387 Brunswick St. Fitzroy CONTROL-ALT-DELETE 5822 Green Terrace Lane PO Box 73 Fitzroy Houston, TX 77088-5414 Victoria, Australia 3065 713/448-3815 Fax 613 419 4961 JBeck@AOL.COM (both stores) ( ) DD MM RR UU UUU SSS GGG III SSS COOLBEANS!BBS CCC INDIELISTMYKELBOARD DEAD X cDc X COWS PUNK ZINES ROCK COFFEEWHISKEYBEER LIVETAPETRADING TRENDYBASHING GROWYOUROWN ||||||||||| 415-648-PUNK(7865) Beavis&Barney: "I love you, you love...heh heh... let's burn something..." x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x Descent into bull-data indicates robot monster panic in year zero. Commence static interference at 0:800. Deploy life terminatixes. Activate disposal medium. Lob 'em one for the Gipper, boys. Bring 'er in for mama. NEGATE! NEGATE! Devo attack! Devo attack! [Artwork available only in hardcopy version] Pope John Paul II's recommended Comics -------------------------------------- *** Crap #2 - by J.R. Williams - this is the tale about all the roommates and the crappy, demeaning jobs and indescribable bullshit that they all must put up with, in Williams' demented style. Fantagraphic Books. *** Dangle #1 - comics by Lloyd Dangle, these show the seamy side of jerk apartment tenants, getting published in big glossy magazines, disastrous relationships amid the SF earthquake, shitty jobs working for leftist magazines, and racist fraternities. Great stuff. Drawn & Quarterly. *** Gregory III Fat Boy - the conclusion of the Gregory books, Gregory is adopted by a dysfunctional family as part of his rehabilitation. He ends up precipitating enough trouble to get the family over its problems, and get him back home to his cozy cell. Pirahna Press. **** Hemp for Victory - the cartoon version of the actual 1940s WWII Dept. of Agriculture movie encouraging farmers to grow marijuana for hemp fiber, and showing them how. Plus, info on the *real* reasons that MJ and other drugs illegal, and info on Anti-WoD groups. Starhead Comix *** Negative Burn #4 - This anthology is definitely gorier than the others, with government-employed serial killers, racial unrest, self-cannibalism, and other gruesome stories. Plus, another "Mr. Mamoulian". Caliber Press *** Peepshow #5 - the autobiographical comics by Joe Matt, following his often pathetic but strangely optimistic attempts to get affection from a waitress that he dates a few times. Depressing, overall. Drawn & Quarterly. *** Ren & Stimpy #14 - A bit better than most, this has the "Mars Needs Velcro" adventure with Cmdr. Hoek and Cadet Stimpy, where they halt an alien invasion with disco. Plus, "The Good, The Bad, and The Stimpy" western drama. Still too many ads. Marvel Comics. *** Save Henry #29 - part 2 of 3 of the "Blue Bunker Ruse" - While preparing for their banned concert, the band's bunker comes under attack. Plus, Ron Post begins taunting and unnerving Hiroshima. Rip Off Press. ** Simpsons Comics #1 - This Simpsons comic is a rip-off of the movie "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman", where Homer turns into a giant after being used as a human guinea pig for Mr. Burn's youth ray. Bongo Comics. Kill two birds with one stone: Feed the homeless to the hungry. $@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$@$ Sacrifices rendered to the Sacred PO Box: Celtic Pamplemousse v5.0 - Interesting zine with articles on Brainwashing in Star Trek: The Next Generation, Cyberspace, subway shenanigans, the heroic impulse, and reviews of other low-life zines. Good rants. $1 from 66 Greyhound Dr., Willowdale, Ontario M2H 1K2, Canada FACTSHEET 5 - #49 - The ultimate guide to the zine revolution, with thousands of listings of zines, records, tapes, and miscellaneous items that you won't find anywhere else. No subject is too tasteless or extreme, with something to interest and offend everyone. This is a must if you produce and/or read zines, and may well be the last bastion of unregulated creativity in America. $3.95 or 6-issue subscription for $20, Factsheet Five Subscriptions, PO Box 170099 San Francisco CA 94117-0099 Forrest Folieadeux - Sept.-Oct. 93 issue - An alternative pen-pal magazine with lots of interesting articles and stories. The pen-pals section has a *real* wide cross-section of rather interesting people-its worth it for this alone. This particular issue is the "Religious-Gothic-Art-Neo-Colonial" issue, with an emphasis on vampire and occult-oriented stories. $1 bimonthly from Forrest Folieadeaux, RR9-274, Oswedo, NY 13126 Rip Off Press 1993 Fall-Holiday edition mail order catalog - the official source for Freak Brothers comix, Matt Howarth, Zippy, Young Lust, Richard Crumb, and other underground/alternative/adult comics. Plus, they have videos, great T-shirts, posters, buttons, and tons of other great stuff. You don't need any other catalog the world, except maybe Archie McPhee. Rip Off Press, Po Box 4686, Auburn CA 95604 800-468-2669 Trash #11 - More news from the local Chapel Hill scene, with tons of info on bands and lots of record reviews. Plus, other semi-serious articles, rants, and some GREAT vile and disgusting full-spread cartoons. $7 for 6 issues 405 E. Main St., Carrboro, NC 27510 (Videodrome video store) Catastrophic Vector Addition, by David Fischer - After being hit by large vehicles while riding a bike, yet without any injury whatsoever, this work contemplates the possibility that he may in fact be part of an experiment by Maxwell's Demon to move entropy from the microscopic level to the macroscopic, in a possibly vain attempt to circumvent the 2nd law of thermodynamics. Nice computer-generated illustrations (neat fractals!) in sort of a psychedelic-art style. Interesting theory of thermodynamics/Maxwell's Demon/bicycle accidents- it helps to have taken at least one physics class to understand the subtleties. $2 from Dave Fischer, Marks on Paper 306 Thayer St. #82, Providence RI 02906 (look for him on alt.discordia) <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Choices by Rikki Rockett Stang sat in his cabin in the woods. He was quite depressed, for he was faced with a very troublesome dilemma and was running out of time to make a decision. He had examined and reexamined both sides of the argument countless times, but to no avail. His mind began to wander, and he began to recall the various events which led to this terrible situation... It was about one thousand years ago, thought Stang, when Andy Pandy, the spiritual leader of the human race, climbed the tallest mountain to speak with Bob. He was gone for about a year; when he returned he spoke these words to his eagerly awaiting people; "I have spoken with Bob, and this is what he has said; to say that an act is right means to say that an act is at least as stupid as any of its alternatives; to say that an act is a duty means to say that it is more stupid than any of its alternatives.' Thank you and goodnight. Please drive safely." Someone yelled, "Wait! What does that mean?" "Oh yes," replied Andy Pandy. "I almost forgot. Bob made me memorize a list of actions which are intrinsically stupid. Number one; Hitting a car with a whiffle bat. Number two: Saying `ear'. Number three: Crushing skulls with anvils. Number four: Eating as much food as possible. Number five: Improvisa-" At that time Andy Pandy's skull was crushed by an anvil, and the list was lost forever. The confusion which resulted from this event was astonishing. Bob stopped talking to people after Andy Pandy died, so most people were simply unable to determine which actions, other than the ones listed by Andy Pandy, were truly stupid; and, in fact, very few people actually cared. So for about nine hundred years most people spent all their time hitting cars with whiffle bats, eating food, saying 'ear', and crushing each others' skulls with anvils. "But then I came along," thought Stang. "I sure changed all that!" Stang was a child prodigy; he was always coming up with something new and stupid to do. He was aptly characterized by his mother who once said: "Stang?! Stang is definitely not the type of child who would poke your dog's eyes out, no matter how hungry he is. But he has been know to sexually molest a goat on occasion, if you know what I mean." Stang simply had a great intuition, a knack for the stupid. As a youth, Stang developed the Sponge-filled Duck Shirt and the Bucket o' Urine, among other things. As he matured, Stang discovered the art of giving speeches in public restrooms, the most famous and stupid of which was How the Mouth Walks: "Most people would disagree with you if you said that a mouth could walk. But they are all... right! But if one could, this is how it would. He would start with a `stomp stomp stomp' and a `shuffle shuffle shuffle', and he'd move across the floor. He'd then turn left and walk for 13.6 feet. Then he'd do a flip! Assuming that he landed on his feet, the mouth would then turn right three times and take twenty paces. The mouth would then realize to his amazement that he was directly diagonal from his original starting position. Ear!" "Ah, those were the days!" thought Stang. "If only things were that simple now!" Stang soon became a hero of sorts, and was elected "Chief Conditioner of Stupidity," a title last held by the late Andy Pandy. He enjoyed his celebrity status at first; but as time wore on he became increasingly annoyed at the fact that people didn't really know very much about stupidity, or even care about it. "How in the world are we going to maximize the amount of stupidity in the universe if nobody knows what it is?" he complained. "There must be something that is the most stupid thing to do, and it's my job to find it and tell everybody what it is." So Stang began his search for the most stupid action, and announced that he would be accepting suggestions from the public. The news of his search sparked a renewed interest in stupidity; several people were even quoted as saying that they wanted to be the ones to discover the most stupid action. As Stang received more and more ideas, he found that they could be grouped into two similar, but nonetheless distinct, types. This was apparently due to an equivocation over the word "stupid". One group seemed to define "stupid" as "ignorant", which resulted in ideas like "eating everything" and Stain, you dork, why don't you shut up and find something better to do before I kick you ass?!" The other group defined "stupid" as "Pointless", resulting in ideas like "eating everything" and "scratching you head until you drop." All of these ideas fit into one or both of these categories, and all were quite stupid; so Stang naturally decided that the most stupid action must be one which maximizes both ignorance and pointlessness. Soon it was quite obvious to Stang what the most stupid activity was. "After much serious deliberation." announced Stang, "I have determined that the most stupid action is the one which maximizes both ignorance and pointlessness; and this has led me to an historic decision. It is quite obvious that trying to blow up the sun is the most stupid activity, and it's also pretty neat! So from this day forward, in accordance with Andy Pandy's thesis, the human race will be unswerving in its dedication to fulfilling this end; all human efforts will henceforth be directed towards blowing up the sun. Ear." Stang's decision was hailed as a stroke of genius, and for quite a while everyone was quite content to spend all their time working on trying to blow up the sun, comforted by the belief that they were being truly stupid. But one day, one of the leading philosophers of the time, Captain Fee-Fob, made the astute observation that if the sun were actually blown up, the potential for stupid actions in the future would be eliminated; therefore, he concluded, blowing up the sun must not be the most stupid action, for it would clearly not maximize stupidity. This began the greatest controversy in the history of mankind. Never before had society been so divided on an issue. Hard feelings ran deep on this subject; families were ripped apart, as brother was pitted against brother and sister against sister in a battle of theories that grew more and more violent by the minute. Even those who didn't really care about the issue were drawn into the conflict because of the simple fact that, according to one protester, "all this controversy is pretty fun!" Stang himself rather enjoyed the controversy at first, and toyed with the notion that arguing about whether or not to blow up the sun might be even more stupid than actually blowing it up. But as the tension between the two sides escalated into a flurry of skull-crushing, Stang knew something had to be done; he just couldn't figure out what. So he arranged a conference with Captain Fee-Fob and several other of the most formidable thinkers of his day to help him decide whether or not to blow up the sun. After a few meetings it was pointed out that even if blowing up the sun eliminates the potential for stupid action in the future, it may be the case that the stupidity of blowing up the sun would outweigh the sum of the stupidity of all potential future actions. Another important issue was raised by Mrs. Penny, author of the controversial and critically acclaimed book called The Void of Stupidity (My Toilet) Mrs. Penny pointed out that before we can know whether blowing up the sun is the most stupid action or not, we must know whether stupidity is contingent upon human existence. If not, then it really doesn't matter whether or not the potential for future stupid action is eliminated; after all, what state of affairs could be more stupid than the absence of humans? Than came the hardest blow to Stang's plan. It came from Captain Fee- Fob, who pointed out that "trying to blow up the sun" has a goal - namely, the destruction of the sun - and therefore is not really pointless, for pointlessness implies the lack of a point or goal. Therefore, according to Captain Fee-Fob, blowing up the sun fails to meat the requirements for the most stupid action. "If we're concerned with being stupid, we're not concerned with ends," said Captain Fee-Fob, "and should not be concerned with blowing up the sun." This upset Stang very badly, and he disbanded the conference. Then he received this news from his chief scientist in charge of blowing up the sun, Mr. Poo: "Mr. Stang, I believe that we are now ready to blow up the sun. We have finally created a rifle powerful enough to fire toilet seats directly into the center of the sun at speeds of over 120 miles per hour." "My God," replied Stang. "Our best calculations estimate that it will probably take at least ten or twelve toilet seats fired at that speed to blow up the sun. We are now merely awaiting the go-ahead signal from you. Ear." "Thank you, Mr. Poo. The signal will be as follows, but remember that I am now only telling you what the signal is, not actually giving you the go- ahead. The signal will be: `Mr. Poo, you may now begin the countdown sequence for the demolition of the sun.' But now I must go, for I have a very important decision to make, as you well know. I will return to announce me decision in exactly one week." So Stang set out to his cabin in the woods, built at the very spot where Andy Pandy's skull was crushed by an anvil. "And here I am," thought Stang. "I've been here for six days, twenty- one hours and thirty-three minutes, and I still haven't made any progress towards making a decision. Is blowing up the sun the right thing to do? Is it in fact my duty? It seems that Captain Fee-Fob may be right after all. If "stupid" means "Pointless", then, strictly speaking, blowing up the sun is not really stupid. But does "stupid" mean "pointless"?? Stang pondered this for a while. "If it does, then it hardly seems possible for anyone to act stupid; for if one is trying to be stupid, then stupidity is a goal. If one is trying to produce the most stupidity, one is striving for a state of maximum stupidity, which is a goal; one is therefore not acting pointlessly, and hence is not acting stupidly." Stang thought some more. "In fact, it may be impossible for anyone to act pointlessly. For example if I eat food, I have a goal - namely, having eaten food - and so I could not eat food pointlessly except by accident. In fact, the only way I could do anything pointlessly, strictly speaking, is by accident. But I can clearly act stupid; otherwise Andy Pandy's thesis would be wrong. Perhaps I have made a mistake in defining the most stupid action as the one which maximizes both ignorance and pointlessness." Stang though about this for a long time. "Perhaps even trying to define the word `stupid' was a fundamental mistake. Perhaps `stupid' cannot be defined in terms of other, more simple qualities - perhaps it is irreducible. It seems that neither `ignorant' nor `pointless', nor any combination of the two, really captures what is meant by calling something `stupid'. But what else could it mean? `Irrational'? `Senseless'? No, those seem to be more complicated terms than `stupid'. I must have been fooled by the fact that all things which are stupid seem to be either pointless or ignorant, into thinking that `stupid' actually means one or both of those term. No, I think that stupid is a simple quality." Stang considered the implications of this. "Well, even if I can't define `stupid', I can at least try to determine which things possess the quality of `stupidity'. It seems that, in general, actions are more stupid than objects; while a Sponge-filled Duck Suit may be somewhat stupid, wearing a Sponge-filled Duck Suit is considerably more stupid. So it seems that the greatest amount of stupidity must be produced by some action. Would blowing up the sun produce the most stupidity?" Stang asked himself this question over and over. "It does seem possible to say that human existence is necessary for the greatest amount of stupidity; for if actions are generally more stupid than objects, then the absence of humans engaging in stupid activities would greatly decrease the total amount of stupidity in the universe. This dismisses Mrs. Penny's theory, which is unfortunate; for now I am left with the task of determining whether the stupidity of blowing up the sun outweighs the sum of the potentials of all future actions. Maybe I could just try to blow up the sun, but make sure that I fail. Then the stupidity of all future actions could be added to the stupidity of trying to blow up the sun. But if I make sure that I fail, it wouldn't really be trying; it would just be firing toilet seats into the sky - very stupid indeed, but clearly not the most stupid action. It is my duty to determine whether blowing up the sun is the most stupid thing to do. But how? I guess there is only one way." Stang left his cabin and went back to the city, to where he was scheduled to announce his decision. A crowd of over forty people had gathered for his announcement, but at least that many more were watching on TV as Stang stepped up to the podium. "OK, everybody, I guess we're going to have to take a vote. Those of you watching at home can vote using the electronic voting devices connected to your television sets. Ready? OK, hands up, everybody who wants to blow up the sun." Stang paused for 17.3 seconds. "Now everybody who doesn't want to blow up the sun." Stang paused for 22 seconds. "The votes are in, and it's a tie - six votes for, six votes against. I guess we could flip a coin, but I don't have any change. Does anyone here have change for a dollar?" Nobody had change for a dollar, but someone said, "I have a nickel you could borrow." "Thanks dude," said Stang, and flipped the coin - then caught it in midair. "Oops, I forgot to say what `heads' or `tails' mean. `Heads' means we blow up the sun, `tails' means we don't" Stang flipped the coin which landed on it's side and rolled into the gutter. "Damn!" yelled Stang. "I owe you a nickel, dude. Does anybody else have change?" Nobody did, but a little boy said, "I have a tennis racket at home. There's a letter `P' on the end of the handle, and you could spin it around and see which way the `P' lands." "Well, what are you waiting for, kid? We don't have all day! Don't just stand there with that stupid grin on your face! Go get it!" The boy ran home and returned about thirty minutes later with the tennis racket; by that time, however, a large portion of the crowd had dispersed. "Thanks, kid," Stang said, "You're a sweetheart. Now if the racket lands with the `P' right-side-up we will blow up the sun; if it lands upside down we won't." Stang spun the racket, which landed on it's side and rolled into the gutter. "Strange," said Stang. " Now what do we do? How does one decide these things? How about `rock, paper, scissors'? I'll need two volunteers." Two people raised their hands. "Ok, come up here you two. Now on three, form your hands into the shape of a rock, a piece of paper, or a pair of scissors. Remember, rock breaks scissors, scissors cut paper and paper covers rock. The winner will make the final decision. One...two...three! Oops, a tie. Try again. One, two, three! Another Tie! This isn't working at all. Let's try something else. We could draw straws! bring some straws up here." Some straws were produced. "I'll hold the straws and whoever draws the shortest one gets to decide. Now each of you can come up here and pick one straw." Just then a gust of wind blew the straws from Stang's hand and into the gutter. "Damn!" yelled Stang. "Well, that just about exhausts the conventional ways of making decisions. I guess we'll have to think of some new ones. How about.. the first person who can... smash their head into a tree! That person will decide. Ready, go!" Nobody moved and someone yelled, "I'm not doing that!" "Ok, how about the first person how can smash their head into a dog!" Several people began chasing a dog, but the dog tripped and fell into the gutter before they could catch it. "Thumbwrestling! We will thumbwrestle to see decides. You two, come up here. The two of you will thumbwrestle and the winner will make the final decision. Ready, go!" The two people, we'll call them person x and person y, began to thumbwrestle and person x won. "All right! I won!" yelled person x. "Now what are we deciding again?" "I think we're deciding whether or not to start a volleyball league!" said someone from the crowd. "A volleyball league? Of course I want to start a volleyball league!" said person x. "Let's start right now! Come one, everybody! Let's go to the volleyball court!" "Wait, don't go!" shouted Stang. "Come back! We haven't decided whether or not to blow up the sun!" But nobody heard him - everyone was too excited about the volleyball league, and who can blame them. "Mr. Poo, come back! After all my hard work! Oh God..." Stang grew very angry. "I'm going to do it anyway," he said, making his way to the laboratory where the toilet seat rifle was kept. "I just can't let this opportunity go to waste." Stang entered the laboratory, found the toilet seat gun, took aim, and fired several toilet seats into the sun until it finally blew up. EAR! o \ o / _ o __| \ / |__ o _ \ o / o /|\ | /\ ___\o \o | o/ o/___ /\ | /|\ / \ / \ | \ /) | ( \ /o\ / ) | (\ / | / \ / \ =============================================================================== >From the iguana master! = Whenever the sun is setting jck31160@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu = it is rising somewhere else... "nothing moves! = where my mustache ends and your where would it go???" = armpit hair begins... =============================================================================== Announcing ACTIVEWEAR for the END TIMES! That's right! The "Last Days" may be here, but Friend, YOU can be the LAST WORD in AVANT-GARDE ELEGANCE in our FULL COLOR T-SHIRT! As seen above [hard-copy HToMC only] Robot Dinosaur has the facial features of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, beloved SubGenius Guru. A close examination reveals a wealth of mechanical and engineering detail. Gronk! But this shrunken reproduction can barely HINT at the overpowering effect the vibrantly colored original has. YOU MUST HAVE THIS SHIRT! SLACK THREADS(tm) is a fully accredited tentacle of The Church of the SubGenius(tm) and has received a dispensation to use the Dobbsian likeness. This shirt was designed by Harry S. "Dr. Howl" Robbins, a longtime church contributor. Watch for MORE shirt designs from SLACK THREADS in the very near future. And if "Bob", "SLACK", or "SUBGENIUS" mean nothing to you, we suggest you buy a "BARNEY" T-shirt instead. Mail this HANDY COUPON: (we welcome wholesale inquiries) .---------------------------------------------------------------. | | | Yes, I'm longing to sport the true colors of an ordained | | Overman/woman/thing, to do my part for "Bob". Please rush | | me my official Cybersaurus Dobbs(tm) Thoraxwear | | SubG-shirt. I hereby certify that I am both a native- | | born resident of this planet and a non-supernatural, | | breathing, living being. Rush me ____ shirt(s) at $15.00 | | ea. postpaid. Sorry, no C.O.D.'s. | | | | SLACK Name:_________________________________________ | | | | Address:______________________________________ | | THREADS | | City:____________________________State:_______ | | | | Zip Code:________________________ | | | | Specify size: Large______ Extra Large_____ | | Circus Tent______ (special order only) | | | | Mail payment to: CRUX Productions - Department GZHR | | 109 Minna Street #115 | | San Francisco, CA 94105 | | | `---------------------------------------------------------------' o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o C O N V E N T I O N S December 3-5, 1993 (Kentucky) SMOFCON 11. Marriott's Griffin Gate Resort, 1800 Newtown Pike, Lexington, KY 40511; (606) 231-5100; rms $69 Thur.-Sat., $49 Sunday. Convention for people who run conventions. Memb: $40. Info: Scott&Jane Dennis, 347 West Second Street, Paris, KY 40361. January 6-9, 1994 (Arizona) PULPCON. Holiday Inn Palo Verde, Tucson, Arizona. GoH: R.G. Harris. Memb: $10. Info: Pulpcon, Box 1332, Dayton, OH 45401. January 7-9, 1994 (Florida) TROPICON 12. West Palm Beach, FL. GoH: Judith Tarr. Info: Tropicon 12, SFSFS, Box 70143, Fr. Lauderdale FL 33307; (305)385-4111. January 7-9, 1994 (Tennessee) MUSICON. Shoney's Inn, 2420 Music Valley Dr., Nashville TN 37214; (615) 885-4030. GoHs: Bill & Brenda Sutton; SGoH: Allen Street Band, Guests: Dave McConnell, Bill Rintz. Nashville's only all-filk con. Memb: $21 until 12/1/93, $25 after. Info: P.O. Box 198121 Nashville, TN 37219-8121; (708) 394-3340 (before 10 p.m. Central time); email: cbwierda@ar14darlrk.er.usgs.gov. January 14-16, 1994 (Washington) RUSTYCON 11. Seattle, WA. GoH: TBA; AGoH: Bob Eggleton; FGoHs: Bjo & John Trimble; Memb: $30 until 12/31/93, $35 after. Info: Rustycon 11, Box 84291, Seattle WA 98124-5591. January 21-23, 1994 (California, Southern) CONFURENCE V. Airporter Garden Hotel, 18700 MacArthur Blvd., Irvine, CA; (800) 854-3012; rms $55. GoH: A.C. Crispin; AGoHs: Alicia Austin, Terrie Smith. Theme: Anthropomorphic sf. Memb: $20 until 12/1/93, $25 until 1/15/94, $30 after; $10 supporting. Info: ConFurence, Box 1958, Garden Grove CA 92642-1958; (714) 530-4993; email: sylys@netcom.com. January 21-23, 1994 (Massachusetts) ARISIA '94. Boston Park Plaza Hotel and Towers, Boston, MA. GoHs: Spider & Jeanne Robinson; AGoH: Michael Whelan; FGoH: David Kyle. Memb: $30 until 11/30/93. Info: Arisia, Inc., 1 Kendall Square, Suite 322, Cambridge, MA 02139; (617) 364-1576 (BBS); email: arisia@asylum.sf.ca.us. January 21-23, 1994 (Michigan) CONFUSION XX. Holiday Inn Crowne Plaza, Romulus, MI; rms $69. GoH: Joan D. Vinge; AGoH: Erin McKee; FGoH: Leah Zeldes Smith; TM: Andrew Offutt. Memb: $18 until 10/1/93, $22 until 12/31/93, $25 after. Info: ConFusion, Box 8284, Ann Arbor, MI 48107. February 11-13, 1994 (Washington) POTLATCH III. University Plaza Hotel, Seattle, WA. NOTE: This is a small literary convention, no dances, costumes, more. Info: Potlatch III, PO Box 31848, Seattle, WA 98103-1848. o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o Coincidence????? Love Boat USS Enterprise ----------- -------------- Bald Captain Bald Captain Young Vicki is related to a Young Wesley is related to a crewmember and works on the ship crewmember and works on the ship Ship's doctor is a main character Ship's doctor is a main character Julie the cruise director is sexy Troi the ships' counselor is sexy but annoying but annoying Actors stand in front of screen, Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected background upon which is projected background of open sea of open space A dumping ground for second-rate A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars washed-up guest stars Going to strange new ports-of-call Going to strange new worlds Cheesy opening song Cheesy opening song Too many scenes of self-indulgent Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the lounge crap in the holodeck In late-night syndication In late-night syndication Socially retarded character with Socially retarded character with job description for name (Gopher) job description for name (Data) Bad 2-hour pilot Bad 2-hour pilot Love boat has lifeboats and Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and flotation devices detaching saucer section Scenes lined by ship shots Scenes lined by ship shots One character inexplicably One character inexplicably replaced, then returned (Julie) replaced, then returned (Crusher) After-the-fact bed scenes with After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion pointless discussion Captain straightens uniform when Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous disgusted/angry/nervous Final scene takes place on loading Final scene takes place on dock; crew waves goodbye transporter; crew waves goodbye Aaron Spelling rules with iron Gene Roddenberry rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans fist, annoying die-hard fans At conventions, everyone is dressed At conventions, everyone is dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker like Mr. Spock Issac the bartender has useless Captain Picard has useless gesture, pointing slightly forward gesture, pointing slightly forward Intercrew friction always resolved Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour time slot within allotted 1 hour time slot ***************************************************************************** trance-fused presents... generation.... richmond, va. 12/4/93 10 pm - 7 am - afterhours tba - $8 tickets avail. at the door ONLY Directions on info-line starting the day before event - 804.768.2000 josh wink - nervous/sorted records dieselBoy * pittsburgh todd krulak - music now / d.c. laura * new jersey speed demon * va john rainbow humphrey * n.c. chadE - space/richmond enzyme * charlottesville/cyber tiff'nE * trancefused/wdce/richmond + others - TBA live performance by method one * _____________________________________________________________________________ December 31, 1993 RESOLUTION Baltimore, MD 410.880.7031 3 huge rooms of music, 2 lasers lucid visuals, giant screen SEGA & SNES, DJs: DJ Sun, Scott Henry, Entity, Doc Martin, Sameer, Jason Jinx, Who, more! info: e-mail ultraworld@aol.com Bus: Trance-Fused (Richmond) 804.768.2000 _____________________________________________________________________________ January 29, 1993 Washington, DC 202.466.1692 Thermonuclear productions presents Galaxy. Holy Temple of Mass Consumption PO Box 30904 Raleigh, NC 27622 slack@ncsu.edu


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