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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S* $$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ Issue #15, Convention Time Again.. $$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ the best things in life are F R E E F R E E For more info, send all your money to: F R E E Holy Temple of Mass Consumption PO Box 30904 SLACK@ncsu.edu Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ** SPECIAL VULKON ISSUE ** Elements of the 29th Tactical Squadron of the Holy Temple of Mass Consumption will be attending the Vulkon convention in Atlanta Ga. They may be easily bribed with large sums of money, real estate, or hot steamy sex. Miracles, dispensations, confessions, and financial advice may be obtained according to your personal state of unworthiness, determined individually. "Bob" Sighting: Reported by A.J. Janschewitz : It seems that some misbegotten system administrator has gotten across the fax-on-demand system at a Connecticut state government agency. If you call 203-297-5698 from a fax machine and tone in 13013 after the recording begins, you're prompted to start your fax machine, and after a cover sheet, a Picture of the Piped One follows. New Comix: *** Death: The High Cost of Living 1 & 2 of 3 Spin-off of Sandman, Death spends a day among the living. Maybe the reason she looks like a 16-year old girl has something to do with the average age of comic book buyers. Good story anyway. ** Ren & Stimpy in Space (#6) Commander Hoek & Cadet Stimpy vs. The Croco-Men from Planet Zed. Nice story, but I don't know how far they can go by reusing old gags from the show. Let's see something original. Plus, ad-comic ratio is getting bad. ***** Cherry's Jubilee #2 Cherry meets Russian underground classic Octobriana. Plus, Swede Racer, Cherry in space, politics, and more. Great stuff. ***** Cry For Dawn vol. IX Same great surreal comics, plus short stories, conspiracy theories, and info from the Church of Dawn - videos, books and more available. *** The Mishkin File! The story of the brilliant early animator Ted Mishkin, and the murals he painted as part of his rehabilitation from neurosis. *** Simpsons #1 More adventures of Bart and the other Simpsons. As twisted as the series, the first story also contains veiled references to Ren & Stimpy debacle. **** The Hacker Files: Working-Class Hero 1 & 2 Hacker helps refugees from Tienanmen Square massacre, and gets caught up in more intrigue with Digitronix Corp. ****************************************************************************** [Mysteries of the universe revealed in the Asymptote of Absurdity graphic here Reprinted from the Journal of Irreproducible Results] I EAT MY OWN SHIT! I'm self substaining, self creating, half mutated and built for speed! I fuck sheep and they LIKE it! "They" ripped my balls off and I GREW EIGHT MORE, just to show 'em. I set my pubic hair on fire FOR FUN! I'm indestructable, uncontrolable, excommunable, and completely unspellable. My knees have fingers. I eat live camels. BEND OVER, peons, because I may not need your worship, but you sure as HELL need mine. HUNGER AND THIRST have no meaning for me. Godzilla stomps wine for me. Ten thousand vampires sucked my blood while I sucked THEM! The government has NO files on me, BUT IT USED TO! Drugs take ME! I'm the original hashish. "Bob" stuck me in his pipe, and I blew _myself_ out his ass. I took Ringo bowling and won 312 to 17. I COST LESS AND "WORK TWICE AS HARD"!! NOT available in stores! anselm pepper called danburg@thor.stolaf.edu danburgm@carleton.edu ****************************************************************************** Now you've done it. You've goaded me into posting one of the short stories I ghostwrote for the Church of the Subgenius(TM). It's about Zen. I'd like to point out that I in no way endorse the Church of the Subgenius(TM), one of the most EVIL organizations in the world. J. R. "Bob" Dobbs is the ANTICHRIST and MUST be DESTROYED. If you meet him on the road, kill him, then kill yourself, then kill me. Everything in this story is true. ================================================================== Z E N A N D T H E A R T O F S L A C K by James "Kibo" Parry (C) 1991 My mantra is "mantra, dammit". As I sit here on my zafu (that's a Zen meditation pillow stuffed with tofu), I reach satori even though I live downstairs from the demolition derby rink. I feel a oneness with the itch in my first chakra. I feel a oneness with the Pet Rock I used to own. I feel a twoness with myself. I realize that everything is either something or a hole in something. Or, perhaps, everything is one big hole and the somethings are holes within the hole. I shift my weight imperceptibly and the zafu makes a fart noise. Upstairs, two old Trans Ams, surplus from "Knight Rider", collide. I can hear the sound of my blood moving through my inner ears. I realize that everything which exists is made up of little dots arranged in diagonal rows. A cockroach runs across the floor and into my zafu. I realize that "Bob"'s teeth are clenched and his Pipe is not between them. The teeth are joined and the Pipe ends in front of them. His nose casts a shadow on the Pipe and the Pipe casts a shadow on his chin but they do not touch. I have reached enfuckinglightenment! As I nearly fall off my zafu, it farts again, blowing the cockroach into the next room. There once was a novice monk named Bho Zho who asked the master, "Does a house burn up or burn down?" The master set fire to the novice's house, after taking all his money. As the house burned both up and down, the novice was enlightened. I bow to the Sacred Halftone Print of "Bob" to thank him for the enlightenment. As I do so, "Bob"'s face shimmers and blurs before my face. All I see is the Dots but not the Smile. All I see is the Smile without the Dots. I see both. I see neither. I see the hair of Desi Arnaz, the eyes and mouth of Pee-wee Herman, the jaw of Jay Leno all combined in a blender: "Bob". "Bob" is before me and I am "Bob" and yesterday is tomorrow and I am the walrus mama dada googoo chihuahuahuahua ommmmmmmmm "Yo! Yo! Stop with the satori already!" "Bob" steps out of the picture, slaps me, and pours himself a Dr Pepper. He sits on my zafu, which makes a sound like a tuba. I sit on a tatami which is beginning to sprout. "Bob" looks me in the eye. "Cool it with the meditation, guy, it's dull. It's `Bosom Buddies' without the laughtrack. It's the sound of one lip chapping. It's a bicycle riding a fish, a steamroller being run over by a birthday cake. It just doesn't compare to the fun stuff, especially sex." I avoid meeting "Bob"'s gaze as I whisper, "He who claims someone does not have Buddha-nature has no Buddha-nature." "Hey, it's easier to say `Slack' than `Buddha-nature', you know. Or `swellness'. They're all the same thing. You're on a true path to enlightenment, but true paths have true dirt and true mosquitoes-false paths are much better. Give me your money now." "I have no money, just one zafu, one tatami, my oryoki, this setsu stick, an inflatable Buddha, a tofu log, all three "Sweatin' to the Oldies" tapes, a disposable zabuton, a pile of bulk miso, my Zen-to-English dictionary." "AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE!" "Bob" waggles his eyebrows and smiles. "But seriously, pal, I'll take it all and pretend it's cash equivalent. Hey, after I take your zafu, I'll even give you a receipt. Get it? Re-seat!" "Bob" packs all my worldly possessions into his seemingly bottomless pockets and he leads me out of the monastery. Milliseconds later, a black Trans Am falls through the ceiling, crashing right where we had been sitting. It yells insults at us as we walk to the pebble garden. "This eggplant in my pocket is like an elephant," said Bhoddyohdor. "Yet this elephant in my pocket is like a pair of wax lips," replied Tai Dhee Bhoul. Just then, Master Rhais Ahroni strolled past. "Tell us," begged Bhoddyohdor and Tai Dhee Bhoul, "Is the eggplant like the elephant which is like the wax lips, or should we just go watch sitcoms all day?" The master ate the eggplant, shot the elephant, and got germs on the wax lips. The novices were not enlightened. The master laughed. "Bob" is using my rake to draw Snoopy in my pebble garden. "So, Kibo, why the heck do you have all these pebbles filling up a perfectly good wading pool?" "Raking the pebbles is a task which accomplishes nothing. The goal is to clear the mind by doing nothing." "Um, hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't `doing nothing' doing something? So by doing nothing, you're doing something, therefore you're not accomplishing the nothing in the first place! You can't not do anything." He is clearly suffering from Bhudda called dhiarrhea of the mouth. I say, "You have Bozo-nature." "Of course. Because if I said I were not a bozo, I would be proving myself to be a bozo! Now, are you a bozo?" At that moment, the enlightenment clears from my mind and I devolve to a lower plane of being. "Bob" congratulates me by giving me a wig like his. We go out for a beer. "What is the meaning of this story?" asked the novice. "Also, what is the sound of one hand clapping, and what's a zabuton? Why does Fox cancel all its shows every season? And why the hell does your Pipe's stem hover a quarter-inch in front of your mouth?" "Slack," said the master. "Pure, unadulterated slack. But I lie." At that moment, the novice's head exploded before he finished this sto -- ............................................................................. James "Kibo" Parry kibo@world.std.com Independent graphic designer 271 Dartmouth St. #3D (specialty: logos & corporate Boston, MA 02116 (617) 262-3922 identities) and type designer. [Comic strip here, not available in ASCII] =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= [MindFuck Collage #1: "TAMMY BAKKER: My hot tips for a heavenly marriage"] Sorry Pink Boy, not available in ASCII version. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Blatant Ad: BamaCon 7 March 18,19,20,21 1993 Sheraton Capstone Inn and Bryant Conference center Tuscaloosa, Alabama Guests of Honor Jonathan Frakes (Cmdr. William T. Riker of Star Trek: The Next Generation) Hal Clement Brom and Stewart Wieck (Still River, Mission of Gravity) (Dark Sun) (Pres./Editor White Wolf) Features Art show - A one week showing, no hanging fees Movies - A movie festival with two rooms and live shows around the clock Gaming - Over 20 tournaments are planned, including an AD&D Team Tournament with a $10,000 CASH PRIZE!! Other prizes will also be awarded Computer Room - 24 hour a day games Masquerade * Dealers Room * And More... For more information write to: Bamacon 7 PO Box 6542 University of Alabama Tuscaloosa, AL 35486 (205) 758-4577 =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Yet Another Blatant Ad: Astronomicon 2 Rochester's Science Fiction/Comics Convention March 5-7, 1993 The Radisson Inn, Rochester 175 Jefferson Road, Rochester NY 14623 (716) 475-1910- Room Rates: $60/day, S or D Guest of Honor: Michael Swanwick 1992 Nebula Award for Best Novel Phil Foglio Hugo Award-winning Artist Special Guests: The Gunderson Corp. Science Fictio Comedy Troupe $25.00 per person Make Checks payable to & for more info: at the door Rochester Fantasy Fans PO Box 1701 Rochester, NY 14603-1701 (716) 342-4697 *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* C O N V E N T I O N S March 4-7, 1993 (Connecticut) 1993 WORLD HORROR CONVENTION. Sheraton, Stamford, CT; rms $87 sngl/dbl. GoHs: Peter Straub, Les Daniels; AGoHs: J.K. Potter, Stephen Gervais; TM: Stanley Wiater. Memb: $75; $25 supporting. Info: World Horror Convention 1993, Box 191, Andover CT 06232. March 5-7, 1993 (California, Southern) CON-DOR #1. Town & Country Inn, 500 Hotel Circle, San Diego, CA 92108; rms $69 sngl/dbl; (619)291-7131. GoHs: Octavia Butler, J. Michael Straczynski. Memb: $25 until 2/15/93, $30 after (children under 12 accompanied by parent - free). Info: Con-Dor, PO Box 15771, San Diego, CA 92175. March 5-7, 1993 (Missouri) CONFLATION. Radisson, Clayton, MO. GoHs: Victor Milan, Mike Weaver. Adults Only. Adults only convention. Memb: $15 until 1/15/93, $20 after. Info: ConFlation, c/o Bibbi Wilt, 5138-B Old LeMay Ferry Rd., Imperial MO 63052; (314)287-3825. March 5-7, 1993 (New York) ASTRONOMICON 2. March 5-7, 1993 (Wisconsin) WISCON 17. Concourse Hotel, Madison, WI. GoH: Lois McMaster Bujold; EGoH: Kristine Kathryn Rusch. SF convention; Tiptree Memorial Award Ceremony. Memb: $18 until 2/21/93, $30 after. Info: Wiscon 17, Box 1624, Madison WI 53701; (608)231-2324. March 5-7, 1993 (Canada, Nova Scotia) WOLFCON VI. Old Orchard Inn, Wolfville, NS, Canada. GoH: Gordon R. Dickson. Memb: C$20 in advance, C$27 at door. Info: Wolfcon VI, Box 796, Wolfville, NS, B0p 1X0, Canada. March 5-7, 1993 (England) TREK DWARF. Swallow Hotel, Peterborough, UK. GoH: TBA. Memb: (limited to 500). Info: Trek Dwarf, 47 Marsham, Orton Goldhay, Peterborough PE2 5RN, UK; (073)391-1797. March 5-7, 1993 (England) MASQUE II. Birmingham, UK. British Costuming Convention. Memb: L20; L7.50 supporting. Info: Maswue II, c/o Gytha North, 35 Iverley Road, Halesowen, B63 3EP, UK. March 12-14, 1993 (Maryland) INTERCON VIII. Baltimore, MD. Live-action Role-playing Events sponsored by the Interactive Literature Foundation. Memb: $30 until 12/31/92, $35 until 3/1/93, $45 after (ILF members get $5 discount). Info: Intercon VIII, Box 196, Merrifield, VA 22116-0196. March 12-14, 1993 (Canada, Alberta) S.T. CON 93. Ramada Hotel, Calgary, Alberta, Canada. GoHs: Ronald Moore, Tanya Huff and Michelle Sagara. Memb: $25 until 3/11/93, $30 after. Info: "S.T. CON," 44 Scenic Road NW, Cagary, Alberta T3L 1B9, Canada; (403) 239-4207. March 17-21, 1993 (Florida) INTERNATIONAL CONFERENCE ON THE FANTASTIC 14. Fort Lauderdale Airport Hilton, Dania, FL. GoH: Ursula K. Le Guin. Memb: TBA. Info: IAFA, College of Humanities, 500 NW 20th HU-50 B-9, Florida Atlantic U., Boca Raton FL 33431; (717)532-1495. March 18-21, 1993 (Alabama) BAMACON 7. March 19-21, 1993 (Florida) CRACKERCON 2. Baymeadows Holiday Inn, Jacksonville, FL; rms $50; (904)737-1700. GoH: Ben Bova; AGoH: Jeff Adams; SGoH: Walter Miller, Jr.; MC: Rembert N. Parker. Memb: $20 until 2/15/93, more after. Info: CrackerCon 2, Box 8356, Jacksonville FL 32239; (904)737-1700. March 19-21, 1993 (Kansas) NEOCON 4. Hilton East, Wichita KS. GoH: Wilson Tucker; AGoH: W.J. Hodgson; FGoH: Jim Satterfield. Memb: $15 until 3/1/93, $18 after. Info: NeoCon 4, Box 48431, Wichita KS 67201; (316)687-6424. March 19-21, 1993 (New York) LUNACON 36. Rye Town Hilton, 699 Westchester Avenue, Rye Brook, NY; 1-914-939-6300; rms $83 singl/$89 dlb/ $98 trpl/quad. NY area convention including Art Show, Dealers Room, Regency Dance, Masquerade, Filing, Films, Videos, Panels, more. GoH: Orson Scott Card; AGoH: Barclay Shaw; Pub. GoH: Richard Curtis; FGoH: Alexis Gilliland. Memb: $25 until 2/20/93, $35 after (children 5 and younger admitted free). Info: Lunacon 36, Box 338, New York, NY 10150-0338; email 73766.267@compuserve.com. March 19-21, 1993 (Ohio) MILLENNICON -8. Stouffer's Center Plaza, Fifth & Jefferson St., Dayton OH 45402; (513)224-0800; rms $65. GoH; Roger MacBride Allen; FGoH: Maia Cowan. Memb: $20 until 2/1/93, $25 after. Info: Millennicon -8, Box 636, Dayton OH 45405; (513)294-1997; email: usr6184a@cbos.uc.edu. March 25-28, 1993 (Washington) NORWESCON 16. Bellevue Red Lion, Bellevue WA; rms $72 sngl/dbl, $82 tpl/quad. GoH: Betty Ballantine; AGoH: Janny Wurts; FGoH: Jane Hawkins; SGoH: Anne McCaffrey; TM: Bonnie Baker. Memb: $35 until 3/1/93, $40 after. Info: Norwescon 16, c/o NWSFS, PO Box 24207, Seattle, WA 98124; (206)248-2010. March 26-28, 1993 (Iowa) DEMICON IV. Des Moines' Howard Johnson, Des Moines, IA. GoH: Mickey Zucker Reichert; AGoH: Erin McKee; FGoH: Mark Moore; TM: Rusty Hevelin. Memb: $17 until 3/1/93; $25 after. Info: Demicon 4, PO Box 7572, Des Moines, IA 50322-7572; (515) 270-1312. March 26-28, 1993 (Tennessee) MIDSOUTHCON 12. Memphis Airport Hotel, (Airport exit off I-240 South Loop) Memphis TN; rms $64 up to 4 people. GoH: Alan Dean Foster; AGoH: Carl Lundgren; FGoH: Wilson Tucker. Memb: $25 until 3/1/93, $30 after (children under 12 half-price). Info: MidSouthCon, Box 22749, Memphis TN 38122; (901)274-7355. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ HIGH WEIRDNESS BY EMAIL v2.1 @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@^ ~^ @ @@ @ @ @ I ~^@@@@@@ is now available! @@@@@ ~ ~~ ~I @@@@@ @@@@' ' _,w@< @@@@ The latest, updated High Weirdness By @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ Email, the world's best guide to all @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@ the electronic strangeness you can @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ handle, including info on the movie: @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | ]@@@ "Wax, or The Discovery of Television @@@@ ~_,,_ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ Among the Bees", is available at: @@@@ _~ , , `@@@~ _ _`@ ]L J@@@ @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ slopoke.mlb.semi.harris.com, @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ /pub/incoming @@@@@_|| @@@@@@P' @@P@@@@@@@@@@@[|c@@@@ red.css.itd.umich.edu, /incoming @@@@@@w| '@@P~ P]@@@-~, ~Y@@^'],@@@@@@ somewhere on quartz.rutgers.edu @@@@@@@[ _ _J@@Tk ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@,@ @@, c,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ Files are: WEIRD2_1.DOC @@@@@@@@@ i @w ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ WEIRD2_1.SUP @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ _ ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ WAX @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' ,ww,w@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@---------------------------------------- @@@_xJ~ ~ , @@@@@@@P~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ ************ R A V E S **************** @@ @, ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@---------------------------------------- @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ saturday FEB 27 CINCINNATI SWITCH @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ | Featuring For hardcopy w/graphics, send SASE to:| dj mike huckaby from detroit | dj davy dave & hyperactive from chicago Holy Temple of Mass Consumption | dj mind candy and daisy from cincinnati PO Box 30904 | dj dieselboy from pittsburgh <--- ! 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