C H U R C H of the S U B

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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$ $$$$$$$ Issue #5 $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$ Killing "Bob" over and over again each day $$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Contents: What is Slack? PsychoSlackPoem Native American Slack The Church of the Small Boy Dobbshead Offer Undercover Subgenius: Rev. Robert Tilton Kultural Kriticism Korner "Bob"'s Diet Tips RTP Slack Update For more info, send all your money to: Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere ..and yes, this IS the clench that is responsible for covering the Free Expression Tunnel at NCSU with millions of Dobbsheads... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- > >Hope I'm not insulting anyone, but what is SLACK? >Did I cause any of it through this post? > >Bob If you were BoB and not just Bob, you wouldn't need to ask the question. But the opportunity to rant on Slack is irresistable... What is Slack? Slack is the universal substance of true divinity, it is grace, baraka, free time, having more food than you need. Slack is the state of security where nothing anyone says could possibly insult you. Slack is the sound of one hand giving the finger to the Con in all its manifestations. He who has Slack can have any mood he desires, or no mood at all. The slackful person is indifferent to the presence or absence of possessions of all types. You cannot buy or sell slack, but money can be converted into slack if you have the proper attitude. If you need to ask what the proper attitude is, you do not have Slack and cannot convert money into it. You can have slack without money, again with the proper attitude. Superficial imitators, those who do not have slack but covet it, will tell you all sorts of things about it, usually the most boring manifestation is that they ask you to send them money. The truly slackful person would not accept money from people stupid enough to send it to them. It is actually possible to configure a dorm or other room to maximize its slack-attractiveness, but this task cannot be done according to surface evaluations of how cool, sexual, rebellious, or kitschy each individual item may or may not be according to temporary, youth-culture standards. The arrangement of the items in the room, and their composition, is more important than any socio-cultural connotations of those objects. If you believe any of this, and try to act on it, you have no slack. The holder of true slack is totally indifferent to what slackless people say about slack, or about anything else. Slack is bullshit, in contrast to the Con and its minions, who are all horseshit-based. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- It matters not that the police of thought Are breathing down my back. They will back down, for I act like a clown And fool them all with slack. "What's all the fuss? He's ridiculous." The Men In Black shall intone. I'll scamper and drool. I'll play the fool, And I'll keep my mind my own. In plain sight I'll hide. I'll let them feel pride Believing the've taken my Sallack. But as I cavort, I'll have my own sport And stab them in their fat backs. Hide in plain sight. No one cares what the clowns do. (Until they pull out the knives, but then it's too late.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh all this talk about pinks and cons. Makes me wonder how history could have been different if the Native Americans of North America know about "Bob". Out on the old long and lonesome praire it must have been a snap to spot the Pinks. I heard a story about one Brave who had SLACK whether he or anybody else knew it. After his traditional way of life was destroyed he took to hanging out on the Main Street (TM) of Pinksville. By playing dumb, he made his living. When folks new to the West came to town, the first thing they heard about was the indian who was so stoopid that he didn't know the value of money; if you offered him a dime and a nickel, but only told him he could take one, he would take the nickel, because it was bigger. Finally, one of the Brave's friends said to him, "now lookee here, you know a dime is worth more than a nickel, so why do you take the nickel?" And the Brave answered, "Because if I took the dime, they wouldn't do it any more". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Now hear this: The Church of The Small Boy lives! BoB is with us and is living on our Fridge Door, guarded by the Red-Double-Decker Bus fridge-magnet the fire-engine magnet, and The Pocket Anarchist. We *ARE* BoB's true disciples in London, accept no other and send US all of your money NOW! You CAN be saved from the forces of PINK! Accept SLACK! SLACK FLOWS IN LONDON AT LAST! Nasty Americans, send US YOUR SLACK! Post it to us HERE and NOW! Your soul can be saved! We shall return. ----------- Disclaimer: "Bluebell Railway!" mail: the address at the top, epsilon@cix.uucp ----------- ---------------------------------------------------------- For a limitted time we are proud to offer you this once in a lifetime chance to "own" "Bob"!! Thats right! Now you can be the envey of those around you by having "Bob" in your very own home, dorm, apt. or even right in your hip pocket. This special product will bring good-luck, spirtural-fulfillment, and above all, dramatically increased sexual powers! And this is how: Send me 1(one) U.S. dollar and a SASE and I will send you a B&W "scanned" "Bobs-head" suitable for framing, displaying, or lining your cat's litterbox. For 1(one) dollar and the price of a stamp you will receive: 2 (two) 11 X 17 inch (huge!) "Dobbs-heads" 3 (three) 81/2 X 11 inch (still real big!) "Dobbs-heads" These reproductions are of the highest quality and are waiting for you! And, for a limitted time, if you also send a 5 1/4 or 3 1/2 inch diskette (unformatted!) I will also send you the TIFF file of "Bob" so you can make your own posters, go into busness for yourself, and make millions! YES! All this and extra SLACK! for only 1(one) dollar. You cannot afford to pass this offer up. Act now...or pay latter! Louis B. Stein 350 S. Graham St. Apt #3 Pittsburgh, PA 15232 ---------------------------------------------------------- tm tm Brothers and sisters, again I feel compelled to update you on the single greatest source of slack known to mankind: Bob Tilton. Yes, your favorite TV evangelist is still out there and GOING STRONG! Ever since I called the Robert Tilton Ministries at (214) 620-6200 and asked for my "free book", I have been mailed, free of charge: The aforementioned book, _God's Miracle Plan for Man_ ($$$ --> salvation) Three "miracle" prayer cloths A package of miracle anointing oil The Jordan River Holy Anointing Water flask 5 large posters of Bob The "Miracle Ropes of Deliverance" to "Bind Demons" (see p.128, #15, the BOOK) Several copies of their magazines and newspapers Many, many, many "convincing" Biblical arguments for why I should send $$$$ ...and lots more! Bob Tilton is a SubGenius. Here are a few reasons why: 1) He rips off pinks for a living 2) He rants like a mother fucker ("Satan I BIND THEE! Demons of tobacco smoking I BIND THEE! Demons of lymph node cancer I BIND THEE!") In fact, in his latest rant, just today he said: "I'm a Pink Duck, I'm not a white duck! They don't know what to do with me! Everyone else is a white duck, they just waddle around...I'm drunk with the holy spirit today...I'm a Pink Duck..." 3) He signs everything "Bob", (no quotes, but close enough!) 4) Where does he live? Dallas, TX? Hmmm... 5) The latest copy of his newspaper had a drawing on the cover that looked almost exactly like the cover of "Three-Fisted Tales", except it was Tilton's face instead of J.R.'s. The article is entitled, "Take Your Foot Off the Brake"...sound familiar? If you want to fall over laughing every couple of days when you read your mail, call (214) 620-6200 and ask them to "send you information." You'll be on their mailing list for months. Don't give them your phone number, though. Do it, or kill me. I usually have too much slack to even care about posting, but something about this article in the latest issue of "Circle of Blessing", written by Tilton's wife made me do it: "You wives must submit to your husbands' leadership in the same way you submit to the Lord. For a husband is in charge of his wife in the same way Christ is in charge of his Body the Church...So you wives must willingly obey your husbands in everything, just as the Church obeys Christ." -Marte Tilton God I love fundamentalists. Praise "Bob" (& Bob!) -St. Mog the Unholy ---------------------------------------------------------------- "`Brakes' are all that keep us from committing ANYTHING WE MIGHT IMAGINE IN OUR MOST WARPED FANTASIES" -Book of the SubGenius, p. 39 "Take your foot off the brake!" -Bob Tilton, "Circle of Blessing", Oct 1990 p.12 ------------------------------------------------------------------ ---------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Kultural Kriticism Korner Ever notice that most breakfast cereal campaigns, especially those targeted at the young, are based on torment and suffering? Here are some examples: Trix: The Trix Rabbit is in an eternal existential dilemma, his existence centered around a substance that generations of smiling, rosy-cheeked Calvinist children deny him, intoning the mantra 'Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!' Lucky Charms: Here, the character is the eternal bearer of the desired commodity, but this only makes him fair game for all types of assaults on his life and liberty. Much like Prometheus, Lucky the Leprechaun is tortured for the gifts he bears. Cocoa Puffs: The Cocoa Puffs Bird is, quite simply, the moral equivalent of a recovering alcoholic. Of course, the armies of [white anglo-saxon] children are always tempting him with the substance he plainly both wants to and needs to avoid at all costs. Those who wonder why otherwise reasonable adults will try to serve drinks to a known alcoholic need look no further than this modern morality play. Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles: The Pebbles cereals are presented as so desirable that Barney Rubble will repeatedly, and with no apparent regrets, resort to fraud and theft against his best friend Fred Flintstone. Anyone needing to know why the young people of America seem to be amoral nihilists need only consider the moral lessons they get free with every box. T. Rev ---------------------------------------------------------- DIET TIPS 1. Begin your diet by weighing yourself while wearing a parka, several hats, the ski outfit you haven't worn in years, construction boots, a codpiece, and thirty or forty rectal thermometers. Each week, wear one less thing when weighing yourself. 2. Discontinue drinking carbonated beverages. Switch to products whose fizz has been created by the addition of helium. 3. Start drinking. 4. Always keep in mind that two of the fastest ways to lose excess weight are amputation and decapitation. 5. Keep a picture of Roseanne Barr on your refrigerator. Play "special" rendition of the Star Spangled Banner during meal times. 6. Install a superconducting maglev bathroom floor under your scale. 7. Start smoking. 8. Hang around with fat people. You won't lose weight this way, but you'll feel much better. 9. Read "Diuretics" by L. Ron Hubbard. 10. Eat whole grain foods, cottage cheese, and low calorie plain yoghurt. Throw up. Repeat indefinitely. ---------------------------------------------------------- In article <4811@helios.TAMU.EDU> jamie@stat.tamu.edu (James) writes: >I have no money. >I have no job. >I have no job openings found after a semester and a half of searching. >I have no ties. Congratulations on your achievement. Many of us spend many years *working* in order to attain such SLACKfullness. >i am lost Excremeditate on the pure white light of stupidity. Consult the Firesigns, especially the words of Barney *HONK*. I think we're all bozos on this bus. >i need slack It appears that you have attained the SLACK that is not SLACK. Or not. Or kill me. Or kill "Bob." >Where can I find slack? Send all of your remaining money to First Church of Kryste (Alchemist) and Discount House of Worship 3021 Cornwallis Road Research Triangle Park, NC 27709 Attention: Dobbshead Acolyte Putz you will receive SLACK in abundance. You will not receive SLACK in the return mail. You will, through the inexplicable and, in fact, unreturnable mystery of Fornicationalism, receive SLACK immediately upon inserting your post paid Izness Eply Nvelope into the mail. Put your hands on the mailbox. Say Hallelujah. Thank you. Give me a dollar. > alt.slack? > >no >i just tried that >there was no slack there Of course. It has all gone to PSUVM. >*sigh* spl -- Steve Lamont, sciViGuy (919) 248-1120 EMail: spl@ncsc.org NCSC, Box 12732, Research Triangle Park, NC 27709 "...though you may have the falcon yet we certainly have you." Dashiell Hammett, _The Maltese Falcon_ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street. @@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and @@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped @@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened. @@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ @@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious @@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town @@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the @@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force. @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@ @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her @@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud @@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment. @@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@ @@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@ @@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ | @@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+- @@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j @@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ @@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs @@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@ @@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20 @@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@ @@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY @@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D @@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@ @@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Send all soiled female underwear to: @@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption @@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904 @@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleigh, NC 27622 @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Holy Temple of Mass $ >>> slack@ncsu.edu <<< $ "My used underwear Consumption! $ $ is legal tender in PO Box 30904 $ BBS: (919) 782-3095 $ 28 countries!" Raleigh, NC 27622 $ Warning: I hoard pennies. $ --"Bob"

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