Do what keepeth thou from wilting shall be the loophole in the law. His directives have be

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Do what keepeth thou from wilting shall be the loophole in the law. His directives have been discovered on supposedly blank audio tape and video cassetes, and one young SubGenius swears a speaking Dobbshead appeared to him on the video game, GORF. Some are convinced his "thermal sense" is so acute that he can look at a bed and see the 'heat outline' of someone who slept there days earlier. Another thing: although most American food IS dangerous to human life, and godawful radiations pour from every appliance and power-line, REMEMBER: SubGeniuses are mutants anyway. So how do you get a healthy, slackful outlook in the face of rampant ecohell? YOU PLUNGE INTO ECOHELL HEAD FIRST. But there is one medicine more powerful than all the contamination in New Jersey, and that medicine is SLACK. We eat the broccoli to gain its patience and virtue...We drink of the Hops and Grain to partake of their slow, slow yet wise Judgement and in return sacrifice to them our Coordination. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. Too much is always better than not enough. If you act like a dumbshit, they'll treat you as an equal. Science does not remove the terror of the gods. Dear Querant into the profundities of This Twisted Randomness We Call Reality: IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE? The stupider it looks, the more important it probably is. "Bob" is the gun and you are the bullet. This religion is about the scary part. Don't just eat a hamburger... eat the HELL out of it. "BOB" DOES NOT MAKE PLANS, BUT HE POSSESSES A PLAN. And not just one plan. Many plans. Normal, rational, causational thinking confuses "Bob" and lowers him to human functioning. It is WRONG for "Bob". I'd rather be lucky than good ANY day. DO NOT QUESTION THE MEANING "BEHIND" THE PIPE. A SubGenius must be steadfast as the mighty amoeba and stray not one R.C.H. from the every-which-way Path o'"Bob." The Slack that can be described is not the true Slack. SLACK is neither created nor destroyed. If you don't have it, it's somewhere it shouldn't be. SLACK: a surge of uncorrupted gumption, an explosion of the "self" - not obliterating it, but BLOATING it. The only problem with enlightenment is if you THINK you got it, you DIDN'T GET IT. Thinking about perfection will only screw you up. Slack is not simply "Not Giving a Shit." It is more like "Giving a Shit FREELY." Fuck those who'd tell us what's "Good". Death makes you get off your ass. Cattle mutilations - Harbingers of the Aquarian Age or Hamburgers for Wotan?? The key to your problems: The world IS against you. You are owed a living and every day should be payday. Blow off all Leave It To Beaver myths. The One Last Truest Law of SLACK: Slack comes first! Perhaps...sidestepping IS the issue. Patriot or Alien? Personal Saviour or False Prophet? Nurd or Hero? Inspired Madman or Complete Jackass? The sleep of reason begets monsters. ..."Bob's" grin, while innocent-looking, also implies a hellish ultimate horror... "Larry" is the most Void of the Holy GrinTrinity, as opposed to "Moe" of the Left Brain and "Curly" of the Right. I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity, COME AND GET ME!!!!! They say a godzillion is the highest number there is. Well, by God! I count to a godzillion and ONE!! The natural order of things is far too confusing to be accurately depicted using the street laws of Truth. Is this a message, a message from "BOB"? Or is this just some dumb meaningless Bobbie-dream? It took a genius to invent it but it only takes a monkey to detonate it. "Bob" sold it. I bought it. That settles it! 1986: "Bob" prevents Halley's Comet (actually a space vampire-laden "cocoon") from destroying Earth. 1982: Dobbs blackmails U.S. Gov't into admitting it lied about Vietnam, Nicaragua, etc. Public doesn't care. Nothing results. 1984: Baboon heart accidentallly transplanted into human baby; it unexpectedly works. 1989: A Dobbshead is found carved into a Martian crater by 1st manned Mars landing party. 1990: Vatican moved to Mexico City. 1991: Bulletproof robots run most convenience stores. 1991: Disneyland converted to Open Murder Park. 1993: American Indians also declare independence, take over North and South Dakotas. Successful enough to loan money to United States. 1997: Living clones of Elvis, Hitler, Jimi Hendrix, and JFK lead mankind to finally crush forever the threat from the Hollow Earth (details unclear). Cut out the big Dobbshead, shellac it onto a fancy plaque, surround it with skulls, guns, swords, other meaningful knick-knacks, and PRESTO you have an ALTAR! DONATE BUCKS TO "BOB"! Spend like there's no tomorrow. There isn't. For most people, taking a "wind break" is hit or miss, lasting no more than a couple of seconds. Make religion a kick-ass adventure! Self-help through raising hell! Can't help but chuckle at International Crises? You'll laugh all the way to the fully equipped survival shelter when "Bob" lets you in on the REAL JOKE! CONTACT ALIENS - both benevolent AND evil. They reveal themselves to the worthy. Dobbstown is the best place to receive certified Acubeating, the Healing Art involving transferral of pain that some wits have dubbed "The Laying On of Sledgehammers." On that promised day, when the giant Pipe-shaped spaceship lands on the White House lawn, when that great hand comes down out of a hole in the clouds to lift us up, will YOU be aboard?? If the Smoke from "Bob's" Pipe is no longer rising to Heaven, HOW CAN OUR PLANET STILL EXIST? "Bob" asks you to give up only your wallet, and a relatively insignificant portion of your mind. The Conspiracy wants you to GIVE UP, PERIOD. For we, too, have an "Eye," and that Eye is "Bob." He is the telephone by which Man can harass the very gods. He can 'apport' objects -that is, expel impossible things spontaneously from his mouth or other openings. He once terrified a diplomat's wife by apporting a great pile of Pipes out onto her bed. Some say he emits 'chirps' in the dark to help find his way around by an echolocation sense similar to a bat's. Wielding the Laser Finger of Unrelenting Humiliation in a zeal-fevered studlust of territorial sexhurt domination!! THEY are the ones who brought this Buck Rogers monstrosity of microchips and inflation, nothing makes sense anymore and everything costs too much, the weather is weird, WHY DID THEY DO IT? This planet will be sold down the river as sure as Lee Harvey Oswald's clone cashed the Conspiracy's checks! WHERE is the blood on DOBBS'S head? His head is utterly healed, not a rent, not a contusion...he's JUST a Head, with a Pipe, I mean, how do you know if he's even got a DICK? After the Pelting of the Pastor with Coin, the Pastor should preach a Waiver of Blame; all Members agree as loudly as possible that they are not "guilty" of anything, or if they are, that they are PROUD of it. We keep getting these HINTS. Little integrated Hints of meaning that are much more fun than the longer hours of non-meaning. Hints that THE WORLD OWES US A LIVING. Our minds are too WELL-WORN, too SMUDGED and STAINED to be completely washed by their insidious "mind-cleaning" techniques. "Bob" can handle the aliens but we must police ourselves. Slack is like freedom, but unlike freedom it brings no responsibility. Isn't there an easier way? We need answers we can reach safely, at home, in our spare time. False Work, done only for money, without fun, is a SIN against YOU ALMIGHTY (unless it's a LOT of money). Slack is a QUEST. THESE are the REAL issues: Man, God, the Amoeba, DNA, Sex, and a Truly GOOD Hamburger. We don't know if there really are quarks, whereas here we have proof of the "BOB" Particle. It's "Bob." "Bob" is the TRUE Mind Storm, the GODLY Lobe Explosion in your skull. can we know the Goodness of Heaven lest we have, for comparison, vomited in the porcelain bowls of hell? The other partner may be a "Slack Vampire," draining it away with endless demands. It is so hard to change a Slack Vampire that the person in this situation is advised to "Give Up". Call it quits. It's a cinch the government won't support the elderly much longer. Sodom and Gomorrah were nuked by angels for not being perverted ENOUGH, and Knossos was microwaved for NO REASON AT ALL. The crudest ones drag people into their saucers and hypnotize them. WOTAN may have some pretty vile plans but at least they don't include permanent mummification of our life-spirits so that loathsome elementals can lay EGGS in our bodies. You can forget Spielberg's "cute" extraterrestrials." There ARE some of those but they're in the same boat we are. Technoboredom manifests itself in the subliminal-reality areas of the frontal lobes of the brain and causes the person afflicted to garner intense satisfaction from commercial inanity. We've been wrong about two major things. Our leaders DON'T "mean well," and they AREN'T stupid. There were originally eight days in the week. The eighth was Hellesday, when evil beings reigned supreme... like Halloween and April Fool's Day all in one. The day you fucked up on... The One-World Religion foretold in ALL BIBLES is here TODAY and you can NOW CASH IN on it's RELENTLESS ERUPTION. Going without "Bob's" word is like taking a long journey without a map. You'll backtrack, wander aimlessly, go over rough, bumpy roads on irritating detours.


E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank