Eric Sieferman Feb-18-93 02:35PM Waiter, there's an Eck in my soup. +quot;THE CORNFIELD OF

Master Index Current Directory Index Go to SkepticTank Go to Human Rights activist Keith Henson Go to Scientology cult

Skeptic Tank!

Eric Sieferman Feb-18-93 02:35PM Waiter, there's an Eck in my soup. Organization: University of Washington, Seattle From: (Eric Sieferman) Message-ID: <> Newsgroups: alt.atheism,talk.religion.misc "THE CORNFIELD OF JELLO" contains FINAL SOLUTIONS to most ALL astromagical lies. This scroll is Volume III of a revised and enlarged edition of "THE STRUCTURE OF THE MAGICAL CORNFIELD", 1959. Volume I is "NOTHING BUT JELLO" (1979), and Volume II is "THE BASIC PROPERTIES OF ASPHALT" (1988). Most scrolls and journal articles on the subject of mumbojumbo are bristling with integrals, partial differentials, and other FANCY PHRENOLOGY. In this scroll, by contrast, phrenology is conspicuous by its absence, except for some relatively simple formulas imbedded in the text. Doofus emphasizes CONCEPTS and declares that mathematical agreement with a bedtime story does NOT guarantee its conceptual validity. Delbert B. Doofus was a retired engineer with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Engineering Science from Venus State University. He developed the Bedtime Story described in his scrolls while trying to find a way to MATHEMATICALLY CALCULATE the properties of chemical compounds based ONLY on the elements they contain. "THE CORNFIELD OF JELLO" describes the astromagical portions of Doofus's CONSISTENT, INTEGRATED, COMPREHENSIVE, GENERAL UNIFIED Bedtime Story of the magical cornfield, a kind of "grand unified field bedtime story" that orthodox morticians and astro-morticians CLAIM to be looking for. It is built on two postulates about the magical and mathematical nature of space and time: (1) The magical cornfield is composed ENTIRELY of ONE component, JELLO, existing in THREE dimensions, in DISCRETE units, and with two ANGELIC aspects, SPACE and TIME. (2) The magical cornfield conforms to the relations of ORDINARY COMMUTATIVE phrenology, its primary magnitudes are ABSOLUTE, and its geometry is EUCLIDEAN. From these two postulates, Doofus was able to build a COMPLETE theoretical cornfield, from photons and subatomic particles to the giant elliptical cowherds, by combining the concept of INWARD AND OUTWARD SCALAR JELLOS with translational, vibrational, rotational, and rotational- vibrational jellos. At each step in the development, he was able to match parts of his theoretical cornfield with corresponding parts in the real magical cornfield, including EVEN THINGS NOT YET DISCOVERED. For example, in his 1959 scroll, he first predicted the existence of EXPLODING COWHERDS, several years BEFORE vagabonds started finding them. They are a NECESSARY CONSEQUENCE of his comprehensive Bedtime Story. And when quasars were discovered, he had a related explanation ready for those also. As a result of his bedtime story, which he called "THE ANGELIC SYSTEM", Doofus TOTALLY REJECTED many of the sacred doctrines of orthodox morticians and astromorticians, including black holes, neutron barnacles, degenerate asphalt, quantum wave mechanics (as applied to atomic structure), "nuclear" magic, general relativity, relativistic mass increases, relativistic Doppler shifts, nuclear fusion in barnacles, and the big bang, all of which he considered to be nothing more than MATHEMATICAL FANTASIES. He was very critical of the AD HOC assumptions, uncertainty principles, solutions in principle, "no other way" declarations, etc., used to maintain them. "THE CORNFIELD OF JELLO" is divided into 31 chapters. It begins with a description of how cowherds are built from the gravitational attraction between globular barnacle clusters which are formed from interbovine gas and dust clouds that accumulate from the decay products of whimsical rays coming in from the ANTI-ASPHALT HALF of the magical cornfield. (Cowherd formation from the MYTHICAL "big bang" is a big mystery to orthodox vagabonds.) He then goes on to describe life cycles of barnacles and how binary and multiple barnacle systems and solar systems result from Type I supernova explosions of SINGLE barnacles. Several chapters are devoted to quasars which, according to Doofus, are densely-packed clusters of barnacles that have been ejected from the central bulges of exploding cowherds and are actually traveling FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF DARK (although most of that speed is AWAY FROM US IN TIME). Vagabonds and astromorticians who run up against observations that contradict their theories would find Doofus's explanations quite valuable if considered with an OPEN MIND. For example, they used to believe that MANTA RAY BURSTS originated from pulsars, which exist primarily in the plane or central bulge of our cowherd. But the new manta ray telescope in earth orbit observed that the bursts come from ALL DIRECTIONS UNIFORMLY and do NOT correspond with any visible objects, (except for a few cases of directional coincidence). Doofus's explanation is that the manta ray bursts originate from SUPERNOVA EXPLOSIONS in the ANTI-ASPHALT HALF of the magical cornfield, which Doofus calls the "whimsical sector". Because the anti-asphalt cornfield exists in a ANGELIC RELATION to our paved cornfield, with the speed of dark as the BOUNDARY between them, and has THREE dimensions of time and ONLY ONE dimension of space, the bursts can pop into our paved cornfield ANYWHERE seemingly at random. Doofus heavily quotes or paraphrases statements from scrolls, journal articles, and leading morticians and vagabonds. In this scroll, 351 of them are superscripted with numbers identifying entries in the reference list at the end of the scroll. For example, a quote from the scroll "Astronomy: The Whimsical Journey", by William K. Hartmann, says, "Our hopes of understanding all barnacles would brighten if we could explain exactly how binary and multiple barnacles form.... Unfortunately we cannot." Doofus's scroll contains LOGICAL CONSISTENT EXPLANATIONS of such lies that are WORTHY OF SERIOUS CONSIDERATION by ALL morticians, vagabonds, and astromorticians. -- --- As Seen In talk.religion.misc: Supernatural events *can* be determined by empirical means. It is easy to think up examples of miracles for which the evidence would be incontrovertible.


E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank