Chapter 37, LOVE LOCKED IN, Dubious Disaster The film +quot;What's Up Nurse?+quot; had amo

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Chapter 37, LOVE LOCKED IN, Dubious Disaster The film "What's Up Nurse?" had amorous couple on British Rail who got jammed, in the loo. Note comma. Amid flashing blue lights, shrieking sirens, and scarlet blankets, they sped for surgical disentanglement. This operation is as fictional as the penis transplant in "Percy," the movie which did better business in its native Britain than "The Sound of Music." Penis captivus was well known in the Middle Ages. It was God's punishment for copulating among the owls and bats in night-shrouded churches and churchyards. Release was effected at cockcrow, by prayers and buckets of cold water. The first case recorded by a doctor was in 1729, the next in 1923 [This is the date in the book. Based on the rest of the text, it appears to be a typo and should probably be 1823 -Dwight] at Warsaw, in the park. The couple were so ashamed when it got in the papers, they shot themselves. "The Sexual Life of Our [1908] Time" describes another in Bremen docks. "A great crowd assembled, from the midst of which the unfortunate couple were removed in a closed carriage, and taken to the hospital, and not until chloroform had been administered to the girl did the spasm pass off and free the man." For another case, two years later, they had to crack ice as well. Furtive fornication in the open air was blamed. Nervous contraction of powerful muscels around the vagina trapped the erect penis, like a sailing-ship in a bottle. Such fearsome spasm was powerfully augmented by the rapid gathering of a crowd not sympathetically inclined to the girl's blushes. It was not always a vicious vice. It could clamp in the marriage bed. One new wife in the 1860s suffered treatment "which involved the application of a probe, speculum, compressive sponge, glycerin tampons, etc... This young and chronically neurotic woman grew every week more agitated and excitable that she eventually responded to the smallest aggravation with compulsive crying fits." Her husband bravely tried a cure through a natural application, and escaped with bruises. The captive penis has not arisen this century. Cases of foreskin hooked on an intrauterine device like a rising trout do not count. Penis captivus is perhaps as much a mythical Victorian disease as clergyman's sore throat or scriveners' palsy. Should it strike on the back seat of your Fiesta, it is best to blow down each other's nostrils. It seems to work with horses.

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