Chapter 37, LOVE LOCKED IN, Dubious Disaster The film +quot;What's Up Nurse?+quot; had amo
Chapter 37, LOVE LOCKED IN, Dubious Disaster
The film "What's Up Nurse?" had amorous couple on British Rail who got
jammed, in the loo. Note comma.
Amid flashing blue lights, shrieking sirens, and scarlet blankets, they
sped for surgical disentanglement. This operation is as fictional
as the penis transplant in "Percy," the movie which did better business
in its native Britain than "The Sound of Music."
Penis captivus was well known in the Middle Ages. It was God's
punishment for copulating among the owls and bats in night-shrouded
churches and churchyards. Release was effected at cockcrow, by
prayers and buckets of cold water.
The first case recorded by a doctor was in 1729, the next in 1923
[This is the date in the book. Based on the rest of the text, it
appears to be a typo and should probably be 1823 -Dwight]
at Warsaw, in the park. The couple were so ashamed when it got in
the papers, they shot themselves.
"The Sexual Life of Our  Time" describes another in Bremen
docks. "A great crowd assembled, from the midst of which the
unfortunate couple were removed in a closed carriage, and taken to the
hospital, and not until chloroform had been administered to the girl
did the spasm pass off and free the man." For another case, two
years later, they had to crack ice as well.
Furtive fornication in the open air was blamed. Nervous contraction
of powerful muscels around the vagina trapped the erect penis, like a
sailing-ship in a bottle. Such fearsome spasm was powerfully
augmented by the rapid gathering of a crowd not sympathetically
inclined to the girl's blushes.
It was not always a vicious vice. It could clamp in the marriage
bed. One new wife in the 1860s suffered treatment "which involved
the application of a probe, speculum, compressive sponge, glycerin
tampons, etc... This young and chronically neurotic woman grew
every week more agitated and excitable that she eventually responded
to the smallest aggravation with compulsive crying fits."
Her husband bravely tried a cure through a natural application,
and escaped with bruises.
The captive penis has not arisen this century. Cases of foreskin
hooked on an intrauterine device like a rising trout do not count.
Penis captivus is perhaps as much a mythical Victorian disease as
clergyman's sore throat or scriveners' palsy. Should it strike on
the back seat of your Fiesta, it is best to blow down each other's
nostrils. It seems to work with horses.
E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank