From braintree!news.sprintlink.net!news.texas.net!news.kei.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in1.uu.net!nntp.news.primenet.com!news.primenet.com!news.primenet.com!not-for-mail Thu Jan 18 10:21:19 1996
From: inForm@primenet.com (Rev. Dennis L Erlich)
Subject: Re: NOT REALLY A BIG WIN!
Date: 14 Jan 1996 11:42:02 -0700
Organization: inFormer Ministry
X-Newsreader: Forte Agent .99c/16.141
firstname.lastname@example.org (Not Jet):
>Hi everybody! Happy new year!
>Big news! I... oh, I almost forgot... (Not) Jet here! I am not Jet.
>NOT! I am (not) Jet! Okay? Good.
>So, the big news of the new year (and I'll get to how come I'm so late
>in a little bit), is that I finally kicked out my roommate Bruce a few
>days after Christmas. I really thought that he was going to work out
>okay, but it was just so clear (that's a little Scientology play on
>words, by the way -- for a hundred dollars, I'll explain it! :) )
>that things weren't working out, so I jumped right in and ended it!
>It happened so fast that my head is still spinning. It's really too
>bad, because I guess the renter market out here in Hawaii is really
>slow because it takes me just *forever* to find roommates. I would
>think that Hawaii would be a really desireable place to like, come and
>stay, but I guess that's just not how it is. At least, not around
>So anyway, I thought I'd bring everybody up to date on what happened.
>You may or may not remember, but Bruce was always taking my special
>Scientology stuff when I wasn't around, even when I kept telling him
>not to. "Bruce," I would say, "don't." And then I would find things
>in different places, later. Once, I'm pretty sure he moved some stuff
>around in the refrigerator. Boy, my head hurts right now. Being a
>Scientologist is a big responsibility, and it can really give you a
>headache. I hear that from a lot of people who aren't even in an
>org or anything.
>So, a couple of days after Christmas Day, I had been out looking for
>more of those Salvation Army bell ringers (I like to put intentions
>into them for fun and make them not stop ringing, even after an
>hour or so), but for some reason they were all gone. It's hard
>to figure out what their schedule is. So, I came back home early, and
>there was Bruce and some woman. She was sitting on the couch and not
>wearing any pants, and he was standing in the middle of the living
>room WEARING MY ALUMINUM FOIL HAT!!!!! That was just about the limit,
>but not only that, he was kind of bent over, flapping his arms like a
>bird with this googly-eyed look on his face, screaming "EEEEEerrrr
>EEEEEerrrrr EEEEEerrrrr -- guess who I am!"
>Well, it didn't take my Dianetically enhanced brain long to figure out what
>he was doing. I tapped him on the shoulder, fixed him with my most
>powerful look and flung my arms back out of the way in case I had one
>of my power surges. The woman on the couch gasped in amazement as she
>looked at the two of us; I think she was pretty impressed with my
>Power Posture. I told him, "Look, pal, that hat is dangerous stuff
>for you! It could make you insane, or give you pneumonia if you don't
>know how to handle it. I told you before not to touch my secret
>Scientology stuff, but beyond that, it's sacrilege to imitate L. Ron
>Hubbard in a foil hat!"
>Anyway, I really told him off, and suggested that maybe he'd better
>clear out. He agreed, and actually took off that night. After he
>left, I went wandering around the apartment making sure that all
>of my stuff was still there, and I found a plate of brownies on
>the kitchen table. I guess Bruce must have made them before he
>left and just forgotten them or something. I ate one, and even
>though they had a little hint of some funny spice in them
>(I never did figure out what it was), they were really good.
>I sat down, thinking maybe I should do some auditing and clear my
>busy mind, but I thought, "No, I'll have another brownie first."
>It's not that I have a weakness for them; I just like them, okay?
>So, before I knew what had happened, I'd eaten the whole plate of
>brownies. Wow, I was stuffed. Wow! And that's exactly what I
>was thinking: "wow". And I knew I shouldn't keep thinking that
>since "wow" is a power word for us Scientologists, but I couldn't
>help it. I started imagining how I looked as I said, "Wow" really
>slowly, with a big wide mouth. I guess I must have done it too
>many times, because all of a sudden my head hit the ceiling. And
>the weird thing was, as I looked around at the apartment, trying
>to push myself down off the ceiling, I saw that ALL OF THE
>FURNITURE HAD FLOATED UP TO THE CEILING, TOO!!!!!
>I started to panic, because I knew I had done too much of the
>Wow Rundown, and I was shooting off power in all directions. I'm
>not completely sure what happened for a while after that, but I
>think I had to go rescue a polar bear from the supermarket, and
>I ended up mowing a bunch of people's gardens because they didn't
>have lawns. I also remember throwing a can of evaporated milk
>through a window because the cow on the label was making too much
>noise and my head was hurting because of all the power.
>Well, to wrap it all up, I burned out pretty good for a few days.
>I went into my org and told them all about it as soon as I got
>back in control, and they were as totally amazed as I was at the
>sheer power of Dianetics. Every now and then I still have a little
>tremor of power and I'll open a doorway into another dimension for a
>few minutes, and I'll see something there like a little man dressed
>up like Peter Pan except that he's wearing a big black codpiece and
>in a faraway, mushy voice he says something like, "If it withers,
>just chop it off."
>But that's not happening as often anymore, and I'm sure as soon as
>everything is back to normal I'll have another big win. Until then,
>remember the Scientology motto:
> It works for me;
> That's what counts.
> Give us money
> In large amounts.
>This humorous little interlude brought to you by...
>Troutman, Defender of Sticks
>...who's just passing through, tonight...
>The above message is satire, and hopefully funny unless you have
>no sense of humor or are a Scientologist. Gee, I guess that *is*
>redundant... The message in no way reflects the opinions, speech,
>actions or opinions of any real person, no matter how big the
>similarity might seem. If you think it does, then you are wrong.
>Oh, and this is *my* version of Scientology's creed:
> Avarice is Altruism
> Ignorance is Knowledge
> Deceit is Honesty
> Slavery is Freedom
>I miss y'all,
And we miss your Midget Masterpieces of Satire, T-Man.
Rev. Dennis L Erlich * * the inFormer * *