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From braintree!!!!!!!!!not-for-mail Thu Jan 18 10:21:19 1996 Path: braintree!!!!!!!!!not-for-mail From: (Rev. Dennis L Erlich) Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Subject: Re: NOT REALLY A BIG WIN! Date: 14 Jan 1996 11:42:02 -0700 Organization: inFormer Ministry Lines: 136 Sender: Message-ID: <> References: X-Posted-By: X-Newsreader: Forte Agent .99c/16.141 notjet@pacific.island.con (Not Jet): >Hi everybody! Happy new year! > >Big news! I... oh, I almost forgot... (Not) Jet here! I am not Jet. >NOT! I am (not) Jet! Okay? Good. > >So, the big news of the new year (and I'll get to how come I'm so late >in a little bit), is that I finally kicked out my roommate Bruce a few >days after Christmas. I really thought that he was going to work out >okay, but it was just so clear (that's a little Scientology play on >words, by the way -- for a hundred dollars, I'll explain it! :) ) >that things weren't working out, so I jumped right in and ended it! >It happened so fast that my head is still spinning. It's really too >bad, because I guess the renter market out here in Hawaii is really >slow because it takes me just *forever* to find roommates. I would >think that Hawaii would be a really desireable place to like, come and >stay, but I guess that's just not how it is. At least, not around >here. > >So anyway, I thought I'd bring everybody up to date on what happened. >You may or may not remember, but Bruce was always taking my special >Scientology stuff when I wasn't around, even when I kept telling him >not to. "Bruce," I would say, "don't." And then I would find things >in different places, later. Once, I'm pretty sure he moved some stuff >around in the refrigerator. Boy, my head hurts right now. Being a >Scientologist is a big responsibility, and it can really give you a >headache. I hear that from a lot of people who aren't even in an >org or anything. > >So, a couple of days after Christmas Day, I had been out looking for >more of those Salvation Army bell ringers (I like to put intentions >into them for fun and make them not stop ringing, even after an >hour or so), but for some reason they were all gone. It's hard >to figure out what their schedule is. So, I came back home early, and >there was Bruce and some woman. She was sitting on the couch and not >wearing any pants, and he was standing in the middle of the living >room WEARING MY ALUMINUM FOIL HAT!!!!! That was just about the limit, >but not only that, he was kind of bent over, flapping his arms like a >bird with this googly-eyed look on his face, screaming "EEEEEerrrr >EEEEEerrrrr EEEEEerrrrr -- guess who I am!" > >Well, it didn't take my Dianetically enhanced brain long to figure out what >he was doing. I tapped him on the shoulder, fixed him with my most >powerful look and flung my arms back out of the way in case I had one >of my power surges. The woman on the couch gasped in amazement as she >looked at the two of us; I think she was pretty impressed with my >Power Posture. I told him, "Look, pal, that hat is dangerous stuff >for you! It could make you insane, or give you pneumonia if you don't >know how to handle it. I told you before not to touch my secret >Scientology stuff, but beyond that, it's sacrilege to imitate L. Ron >Hubbard in a foil hat!" > >Anyway, I really told him off, and suggested that maybe he'd better >clear out. He agreed, and actually took off that night. After he >left, I went wandering around the apartment making sure that all >of my stuff was still there, and I found a plate of brownies on >the kitchen table. I guess Bruce must have made them before he >left and just forgotten them or something. I ate one, and even >though they had a little hint of some funny spice in them >(I never did figure out what it was), they were really good. >I sat down, thinking maybe I should do some auditing and clear my >busy mind, but I thought, "No, I'll have another brownie first." >It's not that I have a weakness for them; I just like them, okay? > >So, before I knew what had happened, I'd eaten the whole plate of >brownies. Wow, I was stuffed. Wow! And that's exactly what I >was thinking: "wow". And I knew I shouldn't keep thinking that >since "wow" is a power word for us Scientologists, but I couldn't >help it. I started imagining how I looked as I said, "Wow" really >slowly, with a big wide mouth. I guess I must have done it too >many times, because all of a sudden my head hit the ceiling. And >the weird thing was, as I looked around at the apartment, trying >to push myself down off the ceiling, I saw that ALL OF THE >FURNITURE HAD FLOATED UP TO THE CEILING, TOO!!!!! > >I started to panic, because I knew I had done too much of the >Wow Rundown, and I was shooting off power in all directions. I'm >not completely sure what happened for a while after that, but I >think I had to go rescue a polar bear from the supermarket, and >I ended up mowing a bunch of people's gardens because they didn't >have lawns. I also remember throwing a can of evaporated milk >through a window because the cow on the label was making too much >noise and my head was hurting because of all the power. > >Well, to wrap it all up, I burned out pretty good for a few days. >I went into my org and told them all about it as soon as I got >back in control, and they were as totally amazed as I was at the >sheer power of Dianetics. Every now and then I still have a little >tremor of power and I'll open a doorway into another dimension for a >few minutes, and I'll see something there like a little man dressed >up like Peter Pan except that he's wearing a big black codpiece and >in a faraway, mushy voice he says something like, "If it withers, >just chop it off." > >But that's not happening as often anymore, and I'm sure as soon as >everything is back to normal I'll have another big win. Until then, >remember the Scientology motto: > > It works for me; > That's what counts. > Give us money > In large amounts. > >(not) Jet > >-- >This humorous little interlude brought to you by... > >Troutman, Defender of Sticks > >...who's just passing through, tonight... > >The above message is satire, and hopefully funny unless you have >no sense of humor or are a Scientologist. Gee, I guess that *is* >redundant... The message in no way reflects the opinions, speech, >actions or opinions of any real person, no matter how big the >similarity might seem. If you think it does, then you are wrong. > >Oh, and this is *my* version of Scientology's creed: > > Avarice is Altruism > Ignorance is Knowledge > Deceit is Honesty > Slavery is Freedom > >I miss y'all, > >Sticks And we miss your Midget Masterpieces of Satire, T-Man. Rev. Dennis L Erlich * * the inFormer * *


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