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From: firstname.lastname@example.org (David Gerard)
Subject: ---> Xenu 001 The Magazine 10/95: Revolt In The Stars <---
Date: 11 Oct 1995 20:04:39 +1000
Organization: Prestige Elite(tm) Research Church of the SubGenius
Summary: Xenu Xenu Xenu Xenu Xenu AAAARRRRGH!!!
Keywords: Scamizdat Unixer Nobody@replay.com Fishman Lerma Leiby Erlich Klemesrud Vega Atack Kim Baker Berry Leipold Young Ward Armstrong Jacobson Greene Whitfield Behar Kisser Can/Cult Awareness Network Lawley Rogue Agent Capricorn Ray Russ/Pruss Damon Chetson Coates Abrahms Caberta Carto Cochran Swearinger O'Reilly Thetans OT Hubbard
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
Here's the article itself. All quotes (from the LA Times and from da Pope's
Clam FAQ) are in Futura Book 7pt, the rest is in Times 9pt. The article is
a single page full of text. Printed in red (I was hoping for green, but
oh well) behind is the picture of an ocean liner amongst spaceships from
the back of the UK paperback of Bare Faced Messiah.
Defects in the article:
* I didn't name the Church Web page. Will have to print it in the reply they
will obviously be demanding.
* Contradiction. I talk of respecting the belief as a belief, then say the
1965-82 banning was 'quite right'. Dunno why I said that, 'cos I'm not so
sure of it now. On the other hand, it did put the fear of God into 'em;
and they did keep operating as the Church Of The New Faith that entire time.
* A bit snide. This doesn't maintain face.
* The 'a.r.s. Central Committee' thing at the end was a bad idea. We know
it's a joke; the outside world may or may not. Bet they try to use it as
a shred of evidence in the RICO suit. Argh fuck!
* ... and, the silly finishing quote. Of course, that is relevant to the
Conspiracy Diagram in the centre pages of the paper.
Basically, it's not the bulletproof article with a ton of references at the
end I was intending to do some time or other. But, it's not that bad really.
Apologies to the Pope for not asking beforehand on the Clam FAQ. I was in
a hurry; please forgive me.
Your further comments on defects in the article are welcomed.
The Web version will be somewhere in
whenever they finally get around to putting it on the site.
Oh yeah, and anyone is welcome to use this anywhere they like. Copy at
will. I'm trying to get hold of the original Word file, formatting and
all; and the HTML should be available soon, of course.
Revolt In The Stars
(No News Is Xenu's)
'Xenu'? What the heck is a 'Xenu'?
Well, to know about this you need to know about the true history of
humanity -- not the silly stuff you learnt in biology class, oh no, but
the Revealed Truth brought to humanity by L. Ron Hubbard in History Of
Man -- "a coldblooded look at your last sixty trillion years". Bet you
never thought getting a Personality Test from that annoying git on the
street corner near the Church of Scientology could lead to such
revelations as follow.
This is not about religious doctrine
Let me state before anything else that I have nothing against anyone
having Scientology as a religion per se. You can do what you want. Not my
I'm an upset and pissed-off concerned citizen because The Church of
Scientology -- the organisation -- have recently been acting like a pack
of utter scum in America and Europe. (Though consistently scummily with
past documentation of their actions. Scientology was banned in Victoria
from 1965 until 1982, and quite rightly too.)
This started as a war on the Internet (still ongoing -- check the
newsgroup alt.religion.scientology, or the World Wide Web page listed
below) and has spread beyond the realm of the computer geeks into real
life raids on people's homes and legal harassment. I feel a need to make
one hell of a fuss about this.
Copyright terrorism and legal thuggery
Religious freedom in a multicultural society is not the 'freedom' to do
whatever the hell you like, and damn any rights others might claim. Any
religion must be able to cope with the existence of detractors (the
proper way to deal with them being to maintain one's calm and faith; just
keep face, it really works); bringing every imaginable form of harassment
you can down on any detractor ("Never defend; always attack" -- L. Ron
Hubbard) just isn't socially acceptable. You will severely piss people off.
For years, the Church of Scientology has spied on, terrorised and
attempted to discredit critics of the Church, particularly
ex-Scientologists or those who choose to follow their own version of the
church's teachings. Recently, they have tried to control the activities
of respondents of the Internet newsgroup alt.religion.scientology, by
harrassing firstly the individual respondents, then their system
administrators, in an attempt to have the critics removed from the
The harassment often consists of making unfounded accusations against
their critics ('dead agenting' -- "lurid blood, sex, crimes" [LRH]),
forcing them to defend themselves, and even making threats to the
person's safety. In one case, an anonymous writer on the newsgroup
(TarlaStar -- email@example.com) had her real name, home address and phone
number published by the Church -- information that could only have been
obtained by spying on her activities. (Her Internet provider doesn't have
her true name. Paranoia? Justified, I'd say.)
Other tactics include copyright terrorism -- frivolous 'copyright'
lawsuits (unwinnable, but designed to ruin the respondent financially),
threats of such lawsuits and even raiding people's homes and seizing
their actual computers to obtain the information thereon. This is
designed to intimidate others from questioning or criticising the Church
of Scientology in any way.
This last tactic blew up in their faces. An unknown critic, Dennis
Erlich, on a little-read backwater newsgroup, alt.religion.scientology,
got raided in a frivolous 'copyright' lawsuit. (The court ruling has just
come in, telling the Church it was full of it.) If the Church had just
kept quiet and maintained face, no-one would have known of Erlich's
postings and no-one would have cared.
But on the Internet, everyone can hear you scream. The newsgroup is now
one of the top ten in readership and has about four hundred messages a
day. Church behaviour over the last forty years is being exposed left,
right and centre ...
This is not an issue of the teachings of the Church of Scientology; but
rather, of a systematic attempt by a large and powerful organisation,
with considerable resources at hand, to eliminate criticism of itself
through any means possible, and to prevent members and ex-members of the
Church from discussing the Church's teachings. If the Church of
Scientology is permitted to get away with this sort of harassment, it
sets a precedent for any organisation to prevent dissemination of
publicly available information -- cults, corporations, you name it.
Due mostly to pressure from the culture industry, the copyright laws have
of late been strengthened way beyond what is safe for a free society.
Public interest is usually held to be adequate reason for what, on the
face, is a copyright breach -- publishing documents ... but it first has
to be fought through the courts, against an extremely well-financed
opponent. Good luck.
A protest was held outside the Church's Russell St headquarters (corner
of Russell St and Flinders Lane) on the 9th of September -- the
Scientologist holiday 'Auditor's Day'. The rally, one of many to be held
across the world, was organised through the Internet and media campaigns.
It went pretty well -- blown out of the media by Tahiti, but boy did we
hand out leaflets. And we got the whole thing on videotape. A full report
will be featured in the next issue of NoName. (Email or write to me if
you're not at VUT and want a copy.)
Xenu and the Volcano
Also, all this stuff is way too valuable for sheer amusement to pass up.
I know, I know, making fun of religious cosmology is just too easy (so
tell me the one about the rib again and, ahh, the virgin giving birth to
a prophet ...). But this is one you haven't heard before. This is an
important part of your education in comparative religion in the modern
From the Los Angeles Times, November 5, 1985 -- Scientologists Block
Access To Secret Documents
The documents at issue were submitted as part of a civil case brought by
former Scientologist Larry Wollersheim. He claims that the organization
defrauded him by promising him higher intelligence and greater business
success through Scientology courses that cost thousands of dollars.
Scientology is widely known for its use of 'auditing,' a form of
one-on-one counseling in which a lie detector-like instrument called an E
meter is used to help a person erase negative experiences, assertedly
freeing him to achieve his full potential. The group bases its beliefs on
the writings of L. Ron Hubbard, the reclusive science-fiction writer who
in the early 1950s published the best seller Dianetics: the Modern
Science of Mental Health.
What is rarely discussed, however, is Hubbard's secret teachings, which
reveal his thoughts on why mankind has been plagued by problems through
history, the topic of the disputed documents.
Before Scientology attorneys had requested an order to seal the
documents, The Times obtained them from the court file. Generally, they
suggest that a major cause of mankind's problems began 75 million years
ago, when the planet Earth, then called Teegeeack, was part of a
confederation of 90 planets under the leadership of a tyrannical ruler
named Xenu. Then, as now, the materials state, the chief problem was
Xenu, the documents state, decided to take radical measures to overcome
the overpopulation problem. Beings were captured on Earth and on other
planets and flown to at least 10 volcanoes on Earth.
The documents state that H-bombs far more powerful than any in existence
today were dropped on these volcanoes, destroying the people but freeing
their spirits -- called thetans -- which attached themselves to one
another in clusters.
After the nuclear explosions, according to the documents, the thetans
were trapped in a compound of frozen alcohol and glycol and, during a
36-day period, Xenu 'implanted' in them the seeds of aberrant behavior
for generations to come. When people die, these clusters attach to other
humans and keep perpetuating themselves.
Before a Scientologist can learn about these thetans and how to eradicate
them, he must go through a progression of costly programs.
In arguing to keep the court documents sealed, the church has told its
members that it could be physically and spiritually harmful for them to
learn about the upper levels of Scientology before they have mastered the
Scientology's chief attorney, Earle Cooley, said outside the courtroom
Monday that unsealing the materials amounted to "the biggest threat to
this religion so far."
He said the materials were stolen from the church and altered to hold the
church's beliefs up to "ridicule, hatred and contempt" ...
Now you know why the cover of Dianetics has a volcano on it.
By the way: according to Hubbard, anyone reading the above before they
are properly spiritually ready will die of pneumonia. Whoops, sorry about
that, kids! If it's any comfort, Los Angeles failed to perish under a
pneumonia epidemic after the publication of the above.
The "costly programs": The price to reach OT III is about US$159,160
minimum (current price list). The complete course, up to OT VIII, will
set you back about US$300,000 or more. Next time the annoying git asks
you if you'd like a "personality test", just tell 'em you're sorry, but
you don't have three hundred thousand bucks on you right now.
One amusing thing is that Hubbard himself was going to sell these secret
scriptures out from under the Church. He wrote a one hundred and forty
page screenplay, Revolt In The Stars, telling the EXACT SAME STORY that
is sold off for fantastic sums of money in OT III -- of a dictator called
Xenu, his use of "renegades", his oppression of the minorities, his
taking them down to Earth and strapping them to volcanoes and H-bombing
them, his defeat and imprisonment. The script was universally rejected ...
Snap! Snap! Snap!
And why have most of the people associated with this here paper and their
respective student organisations been seen making 'snapping' motions with
their hands and going "Snap, snap, snap!" at any opportunity? Well,
that's another interesting tale ...
From the Clam FAQ by William Barwell (SubGenius Pope Charles of Houston)
Warning! Top Secret Clam facts are about to be exposed. This may cause
jaw pain and extreme cases of uncontrolled laughter.
All over the Internet, the latest question due to well known
controversies originating from alt.religion.scientology seems to be,
"What is this bit about clams?" "Why do people on ARS think this is
funny?", and the ever popular, "Can I be in on the joke?" Well, here are
some answers to all of this and more.
L. Ron Hubbard late in 1952 wrote a book called What To Audit, later
renamed The History Of Man. It is still sold by the Church Of
Scientology, and this book contains many of the basic beliefs of the
Church Of Scientology. It is considered by many connosieurs of kook
literature as a true classic of kook nonsense and it is well worth
looking for this book in used books stores if you are indeed interested
in a book that proves that there isn't anything so stupid that people
won't believe in it if it's in a book.
L. Ron Hubbard in the introduction claimed it was "a cold blooded look at
your last 60 trillion years." How could this be wrong? He also claimed
his book finally proved the theory of evolution.
History Of Man is also described in the book Bare Faced Messiah by
Russell Miller, a fine book for the neophyte Scientologist watcher and
clam aficionado. (Sphere, ISBN 0-7474-0332-5)
In a narrative style that wobbled uncertainly between schoolboy fiction
and a pseudo-scientific medical paper, Hubbard sought to explain the the
human body was occupied by both a thetan and a 'genetic entity', or GE, a
sort of low-grade soul located more or less in the centre of the body. To
underpin his new science, Hubbard created an entire cosmology, the
essence of which was that the true self of an individual was an immortal,
omniscient and ominpotent entity called a 'thetan'. In existence before
the beginning of time, thetans picked up and discarded millions of bodies
over trillions of years.
("The genetic entity apparently enters the protoplasm line some two days
or a week prior to conception. There is some evidence that the GE is
actually double, one entering on the sperm side ...")
The GE carried on through the evolutionary line, "usually on the same
planet", whereas the thetan only came to earth about 35,000 years ago to
supervise the development of caveman into homo sapiens. Thus, the GE was
once "an anthropoid in the deep forests of forgetten continents or a
mollusc seeking to survive on the shore of some lost sea". The discovery
of the GE (Hubbard hailed every fanciful new idea as a 'discovery')
"makes it possible at last to vindicate the theory of evolution proposed
Much of the book was devoted to a re-working of evolution, starting with
"an atom, complete with electronic rings" after which came cosmic impact
producing a 'photon converter', the first single-cell creature, then
seaweed, jellyfish and the clam. (Look! Clams!)
Many engrams [memories forming the 'reactive mind', the subconscious],
for example, could be traced back to clams. The clam's big problem was
that there was a conflict between the hinge that wanted to open and the
hinge that wanted to close. It was easy to restimulate the engram caused
by the defeat of the weaker hinge, Hubbard pronounced, by asking a
pre-clear to imagine a clam on a beach opening and closing its shell very
rapidly and at the same time making an opening and closing motion with
thumb and forefinger. This gesture, he said, would upset large numbers of
"By the way," he warned, "your discussion of these incidents with the
uninitiated in Scientology can cause havoc. Should you describe the
'clam' to some one [sic], you may restimulate it in him to the extent of
causing severe jaw pain. Once such victim, after hearing about a clam
death, could not use his jaws for three days."
Poor little clams! Snap! Snap! Snap! Does your jaw ache, dear reader?
Low level Scientologists are discouraged from reading this book and are
told it will all be explained later when they are ready to understand the
higher secrets of Scientology.
After the clam became the 'Weeper' or the 'Boohoo', a mollusc that rolled
in the surf for half a million years, pumping sea water out of its shell
as it breathed, hence its name. Weepers had "trillions of misadventures",
prominent among them the anxiety caused by trying to gulp air before
being swamped by the next wave. "The inability of a pre-clear to cry,"
Hubbard explained, "is partly a hang-up in the Weeper. He is about to be
hit by a wave, has his eyes full of sand or is frightened about opening
his shell because he may be hit."
Progressing along the genetic time-track, evolution arrived at the sloth,
which "had bad times falling out of trees", the ape and the famous
Piltdown Man, which was the cause of a multitude of engrams, ranging from
obsessions about biting to family problems. These could be traced back to
the fact that "the Piltdown teeth were enormous and he was quite careless
as to whom and what he bit." Indeed, so careless was the Piltdown Man,
Hubbard recorded, that he was sometimes guilty of "eating one's wife and
other somewhat illogical activities."
(Unfortunately for Hubbard, just twelve months after The History of Man
was published, the supposed fossil remains of primitive man found in
gravel on Piltdown Common in the south of England were exposed as a hoax.
The Piltdown Man had never existed.)
The History of Man drifted into pure science fiction when Hubbard came to
the point of explaining how thetans moved from body to body. Thetans
abandoned bodies earlier than GEs, it appeared. While the GE stayed
around to see the body through to death, thetans were obliged to report
to a between-lives 'implant station' where they were implanted with a
variety of control phases while waiting to pick up another body,
sometimes in competition with other disembodied thetans. Hubbard revealed
that most implant stations were on Mars, although women occasionally had
to report elsewhere in the solar system and there was a "Martian implant
station somewhere in the Pyrenees".
Well, there you have it. How can we deny the genius of L. Ron Hubbard?
The thoughtful and useful ideas he taught the world? The obvious deep
learning and careful judgement? The certain correctness and amazing
insights of the basic beliefs of Scientology?
More tartare sauce with your clams?
Poor Little Clams! Snap! Snap! Snap!
For Further Information ...
"If the average punter was told at the start 'Join us and, after several
years and over three hundred dollars, you will be potentially suicidal,
talking a crazy technobabble, but free of an alien infestation you are
currently unaware of,' the CoS would get very few takers" -- John Ritson
On the Internet, go to World Wide Web page
http://www.cybercom.net/~rnewman/scientology/home.html, or the centre of
the action, newsgroup alt.religion.scientology, for a more detailed
discussion of the above issues. You'll see me there.
And clam yourself silly.
Snap! Snap! Snap!
David Gerard, alt.religion.scientology Central Committee (with thanks to
Ms .45 for assistance)
(Conspiracy? Hell, no. Everyone here is an independent concerned citizen.
Yes, that's right.)
----- end -----
Reverend Doctor David Gerard, KoX, SP 4.03 (awaiting verification of SP 5)
Prestige Elite(tm) Research Church of the SubGenius
"Servicing the Prestige Elite(tm) since 1985!"
Mention Xenu to a Scientologist today!
Please email ALL followups (crappy and thoroughly dysfunctional newsfeed).
Personal visits from Scientologists will be greeted with extreme hostility
and the vigilant attention of VUT Security, but personal physical violence
*only* when appropriate, legal and called-for.
firstname.lastname@example.org (preferred); email@example.com
July 5, 1998, 7 AM. Saucers. End of the world. Your US$30 is your trip ticket.