From braintree!news.sprintlink.net!psgrain!nntp.teleport.com!ip-pdx11-19.teleport.com!user Wed Sep 27 15:57:00 1995
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Andy Million)
Subject: PRESS RELEASE - CHURCH CONTROLS COURTS
Date: Fri, 22 Sep 1995 22:17:42 -0800
Organization: Rotundity Pudge Factor
Hi, everybody! Andy Million here! No, I'm not Andy Milne. NOT!
I am (not) Andrew Milne! There. Let's get crackin'.
Mistress Kelena has commanded that I write to you to give you an
update on the many good things that have been happening with
respect to Scientology. She also commands that I dispel some
of the unfortunate disinformation that has been spread here by
some of the haters and bigots on this newsgroup. She has promised
me that if I do well, she will let me slather my body with Vaseline
and play with her Irish Wolfhound to please her further.
There have been rumors going around that judges in Colorado and
Virginia have ruled to vacate their writs of seizure against the
enemies of the church. This is not true. Ummm...okay, the untrue
part is "there have been rumors going around." Actually, this is
a bald, undisguised fact, so stop speculating. Speculation makes
me nervous, since it almost contains the word, "speculum."
Anyway, before you wogs start celebrating too hard, let me bring
you back to Earth (a little Clear joke -- hennhh hennhh hennnhhh)
by informing you that this whole charade was planned. That's
right! We *intended* for this to happen. You see, the Superior
Beings in OSA got together one day, and it occurred to them that
no one had actually proved that a judge would humiliate the
Church if we engaged in the unjustified harassment of innocent
people. They therefore decided that it was important to know this
for sure, since a good trouncing in court could be an invaluable
asset to Operation Foot Bullet.
So, we got writs and raided some people. Sure enough, the Church
is getting pounded, so it looks like Operation Foot Bullet is
moving right along! We also have a pretty good idea of what time
Justice Breyer's dog takes his morning walk, but I'll be talking
more about that later.
So, anyway, if you're celebrating, you're doing it prematurely.
We have big surprises planned for the Internet, but we won't
tell you about them until they can do the Church the *maximum*
harm possible. We keep right on expanding, pretending to close
orgs to fool the critics!
Well, I have to go. I have to glue jingle bells to my penis before
Kelena returns from work. Bye for now!
This humorous yet informative little interlude brought to you by,
Troutman, Defender of Sticks
The above message is satire and is not in any way intended to
represent the speech, actions or opinions of any real person.
Only a truly stupid person would think that I was writing about
them, in my opinion.
"*WHACK* jinglejinglejingle... *WHACK* jinglejingHAHAHAhee hee hee..."
- Richard D. Piskevinaugh