From news.interserv.net!news.sprintlink.net!tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!in2.uu.net!noc.near.net!news3.near.net!yale!yale.edu!news.ycc.yale.edu!news Thu Aug 31 10:51:12 1995
From: email@example.com (Dis Bard)
Subject: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Miscavige?
Date: 30 Aug 1995 20:25:37 GMT
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To be sung to the tune of, "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?"
Check with your attorney to see if telnetting to Switzerland is a
"constructive escape" from the U.S. Marsh^H^H^H^H Gestapo.
Scene: A Convent. Sister Mary Sue and Sister Helena are
discussing their views on the young cleric Miscavige.
Sr. Helena: But Sister Mary Sue, perhaps he should be given another
Sr. Mary Sue: I say overboard him. Never liked him. Never visited me
in jail. And at least in a *real* prison, they keep you
Sr. Helena: But he so desperately wants to be a member in good
standing of the Little Sisters of the Perpetually Clammy!
Sr. Mary Sue: Then he should start paying some of our bills. I didn't
get into this business to live like a monk!
HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE MISCAVIGE?
Duo: How do you solve a problem like Miscavige?
How do you find the Garden since the Fall?
How do you find a word that means "Miscavige"?
Sr. Mary Sue: A megalomaniac son of a bitch?
Sr. Helena: A doll!
Duo: Many an hour you know we'd like to bill him,
Many accounts could fund our pension plan!
Sr. Mary Sue: But how do you make him pay,
When all he's got's stashed away?
Sr. Helena: How do you do your banking in Iran?
Duo: Oh, how do you solve a problem like Miscavige?
How do you R2-45 The Man?
How do you audit "laundry" from Miscavige?
How do you raise _Titanic_ once she's sunk?
How do you take the measure of Miscavige?
Sr. Mary Sue: A freeloader-debt wasting Bubba Gump shrimp?
Sr. Helena: A hunk!
Duo: Think of the bills for running Hemet Convent!
Think of the bribes we've paid the Pentagon!
Sr. Mary Sue: The bonds for our search and seize,
Not counting attorney fees!
Sr. Helena: Think of the cost to freeze the head of Ron!
Duo: Oh, how do you count the cost to keep Miscavige?
How do you count the chinks in Chink Taiwan?(*)
Background FX: The Famous Whistling
[Cut to close-up of the Statue of Liberty, whose face morphs from Sr.
Mary Sue to Sr. Helena to Lauren Bacall speaking from "To Have and Have
Liberty: If you want me, just whistle.
You know how to whistle, don't you?
Just put your lips together, and blow...
Repeat & Fade]
Duo: Many's the time he thinks he comes from Venus,
Many's the time he thinks he comes from Mars,
Sr. Mary Sue: And often's the time, you'll find,
Napoleon's on his mind!
Sr. Helena: Often I play Rasputin to his Czars!
Duo: Oh, how do you clothe the Emperor Miscavige?
And keep moving slush from his drawers into ours?
How do you track the steps of Dave Miscavige?
How do you keep the undead signing checks?
What do you call the hunt for Dave Miscavige?
Sr. Mary Sue: It's paying to masturbate, minus the fun!
Sr. Helena: It's sex?
Duo: Many a newscast turns away believers,
Many a buck for F.A.C.T.Net, CAN and FUSS.
Sr. Mary Sue: And how will our purse be strained,
Once Parodize is Regained?
Sr. Helena: How do you nonconfront a Crosstown Bus?
Duo: Oh, how do you call a halt to Dave Miscavige,
Do unto him before he does to us?
And a .... Reprise, from the a.r.s. chorus:
Tutti: How did you handle LRH, Miscavige?
Which of you two was more completely had?
Why don't you sell indulgences, Miscavige?
Sr. Mary Sue: I had a Miscavige when I was young once!
Sr. Helena: How sad!
Tutti: Many a life's been lost to you, Miscavige.
Many a soul's been wrecked on your command.
Sr. Mary Sue: Perhaps he won't act so deaf,
In Government RPF?
Sr. Helena: They'll try him in states where Death's not yet been banned!
Tutti: Oh, what is the price of human life, Miscavige?
What will you do when Satan has you canned?
(*) "The trouble with China is there's too many chinks there."
--L. Ron Hubbard, Founder