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Since some of the materials which describe the $cientology cult could be considered to be copywritten materials, I have censored myself and The Skeptic Tank by deleting any and all possible text files which describes the cult's hidden mythologies. I have elected to quote just a bit of the questionable text according to the "Fair Use" legal findings afforded to those who report. - Fredric L. Rice, The Skeptic Tank, 09/Sep/95 -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- From!!!larry!dynasor Tue Jul 25 09:49:47 1995 Path:!!!larry!dynasor From: (Dennis McClain-Furmanski) Newsgroups: alt.cyberspace,alt.discordia,alt.illuminati,alt.kibology,alt.religion.scientology,alt.slack,alt.virtual-adepts Subject: Re: The Righteous Way Followup-To: alt.cyberspace,alt.discordia,alt.illuminati,alt.kibology,alt.religion.scientology,alt.test,alt.virtual-adepts Date: 20 Jul 1995 19:12:26 GMT Organization: InfiNet Lines: 534 Message-ID: <3um9qq$> References: NNTP-Posting-Host: X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2] Xref: alt.cyberspace:12852 alt.discordia:21268 alt.illuminati:7994 alt.religion.scientology:78805 alt.slack:30146 alt.virtual-adepts:865 Lawrence Garfield ( wrote: Operating Manual for SubGenius Slack-Augmentation, Artificial Stupidity, Virtual Bogousity Machines Use your delusion! This is a report generated by the Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot at the direction of the Holy Scribe, Rev. Ivan Stang, and dedicated to prolificizing the Word of the One True Slack Master, He of The Pipe, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. Praise Dobbs and pinch my nipples! The Doctor is On. Abstract: The Mediacracy of Pinkness bred first the mass mind destruction media such as radio and television. Later, when technoboredom sank in, the CON found it necessary to get our fingers as involved as our minds. This was necessary since they found that we could be just as dangerous playing with ourselves through intelligeneration as we could through sexual inyourendo. Hence, they foisted upon us the exceedingly Pink market of CONsumer compuational devices. This was accomplished by incorporate subversion of one the of early rouge SubG metathinking doktors of appliance healing (specialty, appliance birthing) Steve Wozniak. His supreme device of dedicated Neatism, literally built in a garage, was the Apple computer. Having stolen the resulting billion dollar company from its founders, the CON proceeded to devise built in "competition", a word they use to signify what we understand as concurrent obsolesence, by involving the multinational conglomerate IBM in the business. This also led to the creation of the nearest thing to a competitor the Church has in the Pink world, Microsoft, by installing a college drop-out nerd hacker in the place of a CEO of a software company. We now find ourselves approaching X-day, and obviously in need of spread The Word as far and wide and weird as we can. In order to make use of the Pinkish technogarbage, but without falling prey to its insidious nature, we have developed this SubG system of thinking and doing, with regards to the networkable and netslackable. We explain here in the technological, as explained through the maniac rantoid teachings of the Church of the SubGenius, that which each Yetisyn must know and do to prepare the as yet unenlightened SubG's upon this planet for the coming Comings. THE DEVICES The sit on your desk and take up space and time. Which in itself is a good thing, because when you're Attached, the CON can't coopt your thinking process. The trick is to involve yourself in the device, suspending normal time and space, while maintaining your rouge mentalation. The shape and particular details of any machine are irrelevant. The single necessary aspect is the ability to connect a modem and get online. You MUST get net.connected and attend the virtual clench of alt.slack. Your mission will be described in greater detail there. COMMUNIONICATION VIA WIRES When these machines connect via the modem, they use a simple code which all can understand. It's rather like having a single method of writing, despite the fact all speak a different language. This is called ASCII (it means something like Ass Kissy Little Pink Machines Constantly Wasting My Time With Useless Bullshit From The CON -- or something). This code uses the binary system of on/off or zeroes and ones. This is obviously inferior to the MWOWM Trinary code, which uses the yes/no logic, with the addition of the "maybe" bit. A single piece of binary code may appear as 0100 0010 0110 1111 0110 0010 while an equivalent in trinary would be 001???01 1???01000????1 ??10111?. In binary, these are detected, transferred and processed as voltage levels. In trinary however, the ? bits are measured as uncertainty states in the subatomic structure of the local entropy, as written in the sandbox of Schroedinger's Cat. These quantum fluctuations are physical manifestations of the Luck Plane, and are essential for correct slackful understanding of the universal ISness. PROCESSORS We have food processors which make mush of our meat, word processors which do the same to our words, and finally bit processors. This last however NEEDS to disrupt the flow of bits by insertion of trinary states in order to operate. Information is fed into these devices by one of three methods. The two traditional ones are serial and parallel. In the first, the bits are fed in one at a time. This takes longer, and requires a traffic cop of sorts built into the machine. The second, akin to Sheer Git Blowout on the electron scale, means the machine eats everything at once (this is how it gobbles all available memory and dumps it when the power goes out). To understand these, you can think of the ways of parking a car. Parallel parking and in-line (serial) parking. The last method is similar -- diagonal parking, or diagonal data paths. This is done by sweeping the bits under the corner of the processor. You can fit more cars and/or bits into a small space this way, and it looks nicer when company comes over. PROCESSING CODE The central processor is a fascist little device which tries to run the whole little virtual world. But as long as you can get it to run trinary code, it will maintain its sense of humor, and be malleable to your desires. The bits enter via the data path, and are converted into action or information codes according to a predetermined instruction set depending upon the specific bit pattern. Some representative ones, based on trinary and translated into the 'mnemonic' codes readable by Yetisyn are: LLF - Lose Last File DAF - Delete All Files BAC - Branch to Alpha Centauri CSH - Crash System and Hang JNP - Jump to Nowhere in Particular SMB - Send Message to "Bob" ASU - Annoy Stupid User PUF - Perform Useless Function MWG - Make Wild Guess How the device actually does this is boring. Never let them get started in telling you about it; you'll be there for HOURS. MEMORY NorMalfeasant computers use Read Only Memory (ROM) and Random Access Memory (RAM). SubG-capable machines also use SCRAM (Scrambled Memory) in order to develop processing patterns needed to run Artificial Stupidity programs. These memories are 'addressed', rather like houses in a city. This means that if you use it long enough, the little man in the box who works for the little electronic post office that delivers the bits, will sooner or later blow his little fuse, and run rampant through the system, randomly killing any co-workers or innocent bystanders. PROGRAMMING When you want to actually make the computer DO something, you have to tell it how. This requires the use of a "high level language" (read Pink CONspiracy big ticket item that USED to come built in the machine until they decided they wanted to you be an entirely PASSIVE CONsumer of information, instead of using this thing to dream up new and exciting tools for brain amplification). Some of these languages are COBOL (Can Only Bomb Out, LUCKILY) and BASIC (BORING, ASSININE SYSTEM of INSERTING CODE). Using the trinary additions to these, we can develop language program statements such as IF - THEN - MAYBE IF X=2 and Y=2 THEN X+Y= MAYBE 4, MAYBE 5, who the hell cares, lets run that Pac-Man clone, and MAYBE I'll give you an answer after that. Trinary addressed memory is measured in hunks. One hunk is the number of bits you can manage to remember in your head without goofing them up. Two of these will certainly create a confusion. This is why all processing is done in 'bihunky'. It requires two of these, one of address and one of data, to be able to fuck things up good enough. A collection of more hunks than you can fit on a page of paper is a 'chunk'. The number of chunks that you decide would waste too much paper to print out is known as a 'wad'. Printing them out anyway, particularly on a Pink's business or university computer, is known as 'shooting your Wad.' Special programs have been developed which will print "Good Scrap Paper" one million times, once in the middle of each sheet of paper, until all the paper is gone, or a CON dupe that owns/runs the machine notices. While this is not 'shooting your Wad', it is great fun. Fuck the trees, let them save themselves. GOING ON-LINE The final act of synchro-dupe-assimilo-rebellion is hooking up to the Internet, and being able to break out of the plastic mold fashioned by your machine and its CON creators, and share Slack(tm) with your fellow SubGenii planet wide. This may initially require that you use a 'commercial' electronic service. Don't worry, it'll only take a few months of deprogramming to get you connected via a less Pink service. You may insert trinary progamming syntax into your net activities at first by getting umpteen bazillion free trial memberships to many, many of these commercial services. After you use up the 6 to ten free hours, you have a whole slew of others to choose from. You will also be able to collect a large number of floppies this way. Once online, it is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL that you find alt.slack, and participate. It is also strongly suggested that you read, and yes even participate, in all manner of weird, fringe-kook newsgroups. Not only do their inadvertent rantings provide immense amusement for the rest on alt.slack when you forward a copy to there, it allows you to exercise your abnormality in MANY arenas. And this, dear friends, is what the Pink Forces do not yet know that they must CRUSH. It is necessary to build up a fortress of communication for the coming onslaught, when they realize they have unleashed their own doom, by foolishly letting US be in control of their outgrowth of the ultimate stupidity device, the television. They didn't realize just HOW FAR we would take this. They thought they could get us to waste our time typing at each other when talking would be faster, and so squash any possibility at organization. They thought they could charge us an order of magnitude more, draining our resources while forcing us to limit ourselves in the AMOUNT of communication we were willing to PAY for. But they FORGOT that they created a WHOLE NEW WORLD and SOLD IT TO US, but they didn't install the LAWS NECESSARY to MAINTAIN CONTROL! Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and YOU KNOW THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE! CON-CLUSION You bet it will be. But only if you help. When your pipe is full, your life is full. The Doctor is Off. (@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot ll ll SubGenius Church of Scienfictiontology Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, Terran Occupation Forces DynaSoar, Tibetian Rantarian, Chaplain - 'Praise "0100 0010 0110 1111 0110 0010"' -- MWOWM PRICE LIST OF THE GODS EVERYTHING MUST GO BY 1998!! The SubGenius Foundation P.O. Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214 "To Dull The Pain Of Existence In A World Without Slack" E-Mail: FAX: 214-320-1561 Check out alt.slack, the SubGenius newsgroup on the Internet! SubGenius Web pages: HTTP:// Don't be fooled.... all items in this catalog are REAL. Only the descriptions have been changed. "BOB," I HEAR ya! Here's MY Soul...sign me up now and send me my: MEMBERSHIP/ORDAINMENT/SUBSCRIPTION - $30 BECOME AN ORDAINED SUBGENIUS MINISTER AND ATTAIN THE SECRETS OF THE WORLD WEIRDO NETWORK!! Read THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL and learn not only the Word of Dobbs but also ways to contact, buy from, and sell to the incredible (yet real!!) network of SubGenii everywhere. Learn of local revivals, other secret societies, UNUSUAL PRODUCTS. Easy on delicate tissues... no danger of runaway infection. You get: subscription to four STARK FISTs, The Divine Excuse (WHAT OTHER RELIGIONS CHARGE ALL WORLDLY GOODS FOR!!), Doktorate of the Forbidden Sciences, Pamphlets #1 & 2, Catalog, many other suitable-for-framing documents, propaganda flyers, stickers, and a wallet sized, legal MINISTER'S CARD granting you every imaginable right. Without that card you have NO HOPE of Boarding the Escape Vessels of the Sex Goddesses in 1998!! If he hasn't seen your $30, you're still "Pink" to "Bob." THE SUBGENIUS CATALOG - $1 Much more detailed, much larger selection of tapes, videos, shirts etc. than this list. SACRED SUBGENIUS BOOKS Profusely illustrated, softbound, published by Simon & Schuster: THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS - $16.50 The CLASSIC that started it all. 200 pages of the UNCUT Word of Dobbs, not for the gullible or faint-hearted; holds all answers to everything, including many you'll wish you'd never learned. Superb marital aid. Encompasses Life of "Bob," his prophecy, entire past and future history of Earth, and all the instructions you'll ever need for survival, Slack, psychic wealth and prosperity in The End Times. Acid-free coating is resistant to normalcy viruses. REVELATION X - THE "BOB"APOCRYPHON - $16.50 Finally, the long-awaited sequel to The Book of the SubGenius, the Last New Testament, is here! Either the greatest general satire of pure human stupidity and greed ever created, or a self-help book from Hell, REVELATION X is darker, deeper, more detailed, louder and funnier than The Book of the SubGenius. This HUGE tome of PURE DOCTRINAL RANTING and HIGH-POWERED GRAPHICS is so utterly and relentlessly TRUE and SLACK-IMBUED that old-time SubGenii, and newcomers alike, will laugh 'till their guts bleed and befoul their pants in sheer astonishment - and JUST WAIT'LL YOUR PANTS GET A LOAD OF THE LOOK OF THIS THING!! St. Paul Mavrides has done a design job that will have you RIPPING YOUR OWN EYES OUT IN ECSTASY when you grok the THOUSANDS of INCREDIBLY DETAILED ILLUSTRATIONS!!! This heart-stopping new "LOUVRE" of SubGenius art makes THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS look like a JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PAMPHLET or CHRISTIAN COMIC BOOK by comparison! God's Answer to Fundamentalists - Shove this book into ANY orifice and watch it GO! HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL - $14.50 NYES! A SUBGENIUS LOOK AT KOOKS & RIVAL CULTS!! The nonfiction encyclopedia of abnormality - 300 pages describing the 500 most bizarre fringe groups on Earth, and how to get their stuff for a 29c stamp. High level of sarcasm, cornea-melting illustrations. Covers the sickest and/or best of everything from UFO cults, hate groups, and kooks of every stripe, to the most advanced bizarre art, music, and comix. 3 FISTED TALES OF "BOB" - $13.50 Slack-wrenching short stories about Dobbs by Drs. 4 "Bob," William S. Burroughs, Hal Robins, Robert Anton Wilson, Paul Mavrides, Rev. Ivan Stang, Waves Forest, Dr. Philo Drummond, Lewis Shiner, John Shirley, Pope David Meyer, G. Gordon Gordon, Michael Peppe, Mark Mothersbaugh, Janor Hypercleats and MANY OTHERS. "BOB's" FAVORITE COMICS - $3.50 Published by Rip-Off Press. With Dobbsful pieces by underground comix heroes Gilbert Shelton, Paul Mavrides, Carol Lay, Robert Williams, Hal Robins, Nenslo, Puzzling Evidence, Hellswami Satellite Weavers, Byron Werner, Jay Kinney. PAMPHLETS Excellent for airport proselytizing, leaving in friends' houses, bar restrooms, granny's purse, etc. Each is 16 pages. #1: "The World Ends Tomorrow and YOU MAY DIE!" - $1 #2: "ETERNAL SALVATION - Or Triple Your Money Back" - $1 "BOB" BOXER SHORTS - $16 Fine quality boxers with large DobbsHeads - and glow-in-the-dark Anti"Bobs" - instead of polka-dots! Specify Medium, Large or X-Large. FULL COLOR COTTON T-SHIRTS - $16 3 designs (L or XL): 1. "BOB"/ANTIBOB 2. DINO-RIDING "BOB" 3. ROBO"BOB" 2-COLOR COTTON T-SHIRTS - $13 2 designs: (L or XL): 1. SEVERED HEADS 2. PRAIRIE SQUID "BOB"-MUG COFFEE MUGS - $8 Classic, high quality ceramic white coffee mug emblazoned with classic DobbsHead. Lucky DOBBS BUTTON - $1.50 The True Dobbshead on distinguished background. Used since ancient times to repel or attract soul/sex vampires/partners. "Lick-n-Stick" SOUL-SAVING GUM-BACKED STICKERS $1 Hundreds of $-sucking Church slogans, ads, images and mysterious threats ready to cut apart and stick all over laundromats, subways, envelopes, etc. DRIVE YOUR HOMETOWN INSANE. BUMPER STICKERS - $1 Sturdy paper day-glo bumperstickers. All show "BOB's" Beaming Presenceship. Choose any of 6 SLOGANS: "TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH" "GIVE ME SLACK" "PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR OWN EYES" "BULLDADA" "ACT LIKE A DUMBSHIT AND THEY'LL TREAT YOU AS AN EQUAL" "FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE" THE MEDIA BARRAGE CASSETTE TAPES - $8.50 each! ALL TAPES are HIGH QUALITY STEREO, in COLOR! Created by hundreds of skilled Sound Doktors, Skull Farmers and Media Adepts. High-paced, frantically over-embel lish ed, dense with startling juxtapositions, documentary/propagandoid Revelations, Trance Re-enactments, music and YOU NAME IT - carefully mixed, warped, synthesized, rerouted and machine-gun edited. A totally new genre. "Truly a sonic assault, a kaleidoscopic re-education camp of SubGenius mythology. The editing is simply astonishing... " - Scott Becker, OPtion Magazine MEDIA BARRAGE 10: "REPENT!" Anti-Conspiracy special... You'll foam at the mouth! MEDIA BARRAGE 11: "SHUT UP, PINK BOY" UFOs, False Jesii, mysticism, Xists, Prescriptures. MEDIA BARRAGE 12: "SLACK!" and THE SHOW Best on Slack, excerpts from SubGenius Radio. MEDIA BARRAGE 0: "WHAT THE HELL?" Purest Churchly Propaganda from a cast of thousands: mad prophets, hell-music bands, radio saboteurs, technowizards, and distinguished Cult Theologians and Head-Launchers. MEDIA BARRAGE 5: "BOB" ATTACK! A treasured all-purpose oldie. Hell-bent ridicule of all rival cults. THE HOUR OF SLACK RADIO SERIES - only $6.50 each! Now on 17 stations! The Hour of Slack is an incredible compendium of the best and newest from all SubGenius shows, bands, ranters, new Media Bar rages and collage artists. Over 460 1-hour sample tapes of this jam-packed, samurai-edited juggernaut of raw, untamed SLACK are available. When ordering, you can specify various types of subject matter. You want UFOs? Sex? The Beforelife? Anti-Christian? Anti-SubGenius? Christmas? Devival specials? Just ask. BEST OF HOUR OF SLACK - $6.50 A good one to start with - the most requested bits from shows, media barrage tapes, and SubG music tapes. More or less 'explanatory' of the Church basics. "Maybe the most remarkable program on the air in the '80s, the SubGenius Doctors have virtually created a new form of audio entertainment." - Audiodrone HOTTEST SUBGENIUS MUSIC TAPES!! "BOB'S" MEDIA POLLUTION - $6.50 60 minutes of the most recent Church Sacred Music, in all flavors. THE HAIRS in "BOB'S" EARS - $6.50 Even better than "Bob's" Media Pollution! Alters conscious lessness. Like our other compilations, this ranges from sloppy folk to polished MIDI-mixes and ravey beats. "BOB'S" EARWAX - $6.50 The most famous Hymns, performed by the Top 10 a-music bands, Ranters, Chanters, Bards, Balladeers, Combos, Choirs, Gospel Singers and Music Killers. Toe-tappin', finger-snappin', neck-breakin' GOSP-HELL music. THE EAR OF "BOB" - $8.50 90 minutes!! "Best of the Old-Time Bobsongs:" hymns, Mystery Jazz and acid-reggae disco-funk of the Gods. You'll scream, "MORE, "Bob," MORE!" These beautiful odes to abnormality and demented CLASSICS will bless your heart and anoint your Gland. THE WORD OF "BOB" ON VIDEOTAPE! "ARISE" The SubGenius Video - $19.98 Vividly presents the LIVING SEED-WORD PROPAGANDA of DOBBS, compressed into one eyeball-slamming 80 minute editing tour-de-force that shoots the dogma straight up your optic nerve and deep into your brain. Narrator Dr. Howll takes the initiate on a soul-wrenching journey deep into the very bowels of the Church. Includes "THE LIFE OF "BOB," a perfect introduction to the Church for your illiterate friends. 10,000 collage clips of bizarre Badfilms illustrate the narration - plus ELECTRONIC ANIMATION OF THE GODS, and riveting LIVE devival rants by all-star preachers, with music by DK Jones, Mark Mothersbaugh, Drs. 4 "Bob," Negativland, Slack master Cleve. Rare glimpses of Dobbstown... 'behind the scenes' peeks at SubGenius Radio Doktors in surgery... even captured FBI footage of DOBBS HIMSELF. YOU WILL ACTUALLY WITNESS the astounding, blood-drenched scenes of the ASSAS SINATION OF "BOB!" OTHER VIDEOS: CLUB NO NEW YEARS DALLAS DEVIVAL - $20 Barrage-edited footage from a spectacular multi-media devival which benefited from a number of new elements: REAR SCREEN VIDEO BARRAGES to go with the preaching, STRIPPER-PREACHERS, and great Head Launching Catapult designs. "THE MAKING OF MTV/SUBGENIUS" - $20 You'll "LAK TO DIE" when you see Dobbs in a flying saucer, blowing up the MTV building (a pyramid with an eye on it); the stop-motion death in flames of Barbie and Ken; live recreations of two of our book covers; and Dobbs being worshiped by slinky devil-girls in Hell. During the sometimes surreal shooting, we also shot this 40-minute look behind the scenes. SUBGENIUS INTERVIEWS - $20 Video reports on the Church done by Conspiracy news from 1980 to 1993, plus SubGeniuses on SubGenius: Puzzling Evidence & Dr. Howll; Janor at Dokstok; an ARISE-style docu-psychout on the Church by S. Kristensen; Joe Mama's "psuedo-news-report" (depicting the Church as Satanic), more. PreDobbs STANGFILM - $20 Films done before Ivan Stang found "Bob." Claymation porno, WORLD OF THE FUTURE, a 30-minute travelog about an insanely overpopulated and hideously Pink Dobbsless future; sick animation sequences, sex horror, and offensive concepts... NOT FOR THE KIDS, PLEASE!!! Also,various claymation films, music videos including rare DEVO sequences, MTV/SubGenius, and 20 minutes cut from ARISE. A full 2 hours. NIGHT OF SLACK devival video - $20 The legendary 1984 San Francisco revival at which "Bob" first 'died.' THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL Church Journal - sample issue $5 The only monthly magazine that sometimes goes 2 years between issues. Over 100 pages of CRAM-PACKED BULL SHATTERING: includes hidden facts of the SubGenius, Things to See, Say, and Do, letters from the flock, blistering editorials, detailed instructions for those who follow NO MASTER, amazing comix, Bobly art, and TRUE NEWS of the Cult. NONE AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW (11-94) OFFICIAL DOBBSHEADx - $1 These classic 8 1/2 X 11 full-face portraits are COMPULSORY. Belongs in every bathroom for higher excremeditation. Relish FOR HOURS the genius ignorancy of "Bob"!! "Hangs onto your brain" like a maddening jingle that won't go away. Prices include U.S. postage ONLY. For products over $1.50, Canada & Mexico add $3; Overseas add $8. We cannot take checks from foreign (non-U.S.) banks (unless Canadian, in U.S. DOLLARS from American-registered banks.) UnAmerican SubGenii must use international postal money orders! TOTAL ENCLOSED:____________ Make all checks (U.S. banks only) or money orders payable to: SubGenius Foundation Inc. Dealers please inquire about bulk rates. MONEY BACK IF NOT SATISFIED NAME(s): ADDRESS: CITY-STATE, ZIP: I swear that I am over 18 years of age, and of Yeti descent. The SubGenius Foundation P.O. Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214 "To Dull The Pain Of Existence In A World Without Slack" E-Mail: SubGenius Hotline to "Bob"! 1-900-990-5085 ext. 324,325 Updated each week with a new Conspiracy Hotline and Rant of the Week. $2 a minute, 5 minute maximum. Rants by great SubGenius preachers (Janor Hypercleats, Father Joe Mama, Ivan Stang, Dr. Howll, Pope David Meyer). Under 18 need parent's permission. Touch-tone phone r'q'd. Maximum call, 5 min. Mystery Playhouse, Bradenton FL -- The Doctor is on.


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