Since some of the materials which describe the $cientology cult could be
considered to be copywritten materials, I have censored myself and The
Skeptic Tank by deleting any and all possible text files which describes
the cult's hidden mythologies. I have elected to quote just a bit of the
questionable text according to the "Fair Use" legal findings afforded to
those who report. - Fredric L. Rice, The Skeptic Tank, 09/Sep/95
From news.interserv.net!news.sprintlink.net!news.infi.net!larry!dynasor Tue Jul 25 09:49:47 1995
From: email@example.com (Dennis McClain-Furmanski)
Subject: Re: The Righteous Way
Date: 20 Jul 1995 19:12:26 GMT
X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
Xref: news.interserv.net alt.cyberspace:12852 alt.discordia:21268 alt.illuminati:7994 alt.religion.scientology:78805 alt.slack:30146 alt.virtual-adepts:865
Lawrence Garfield (firstname.lastname@example.org) wrote:
Operating Manual for SubGenius Slack-Augmentation,
Artificial Stupidity, Virtual Bogousity Machines
Use your delusion!
This is a report generated by the Yetii Genetii Research
InstiToot at the direction of the Holy Scribe, Rev. Ivan
Stang, and dedicated to prolificizing the Word of the
One True Slack Master, He of The Pipe, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.
Praise Dobbs and pinch my nipples! The Doctor is On.
The Mediacracy of Pinkness bred first the mass mind
destruction media such as radio and television. Later, when
technoboredom sank in, the CON found it necessary to get our
fingers as involved as our minds. This was necessary since
they found that we could be just as dangerous playing with
ourselves through intelligeneration as we could through
sexual inyourendo. Hence, they foisted upon us the
exceedingly Pink market of CONsumer compuational devices.
This was accomplished by incorporate subversion of one the
of early rouge SubG metathinking doktors of appliance
healing (specialty, appliance birthing) Steve Wozniak. His
supreme device of dedicated Neatism, literally built in a
garage, was the Apple computer. Having stolen the resulting
billion dollar company from its founders, the CON proceeded
to devise built in "competition", a word they use to signify
what we understand as concurrent obsolesence, by involving
the multinational conglomerate IBM in the business. This
also led to the creation of the nearest thing to a
competitor the Church has in the Pink world, Microsoft, by
installing a college drop-out nerd hacker in the place of a
CEO of a software company.
We now find ourselves approaching X-day, and obviously in
need of spread The Word as far and wide and weird as we can.
In order to make use of the Pinkish technogarbage, but
without falling prey to its insidious nature, we have
developed this SubG system of thinking and doing, with
regards to the networkable and netslackable. We explain here
in the technological, as explained through the maniac
rantoid teachings of the Church of the SubGenius, that which
each Yetisyn must know and do to prepare the as yet
unenlightened SubG's upon this planet for the coming
The sit on your desk and take up space and time. Which in
itself is a good thing, because when you're Attached, the
CON can't coopt your thinking process. The trick is to
involve yourself in the device, suspending normal time and
space, while maintaining your rouge mentalation.
The shape and particular details of any machine are
irrelevant. The single necessary aspect is the ability to
connect a modem and get online. You MUST get net.connected
and attend the virtual clench of alt.slack. Your mission
will be described in greater detail there.
COMMUNIONICATION VIA WIRES
When these machines connect via the modem, they use a simple
code which all can understand. It's rather like having a
single method of writing, despite the fact all speak a
different language. This is called ASCII (it means something
like Ass Kissy Little Pink Machines Constantly Wasting My
Time With Useless Bullshit From The CON -- or something).
This code uses the binary system of on/off or zeroes and
ones. This is obviously inferior to the MWOWM Trinary code,
which uses the yes/no logic, with the addition of the
"maybe" bit. A single piece of binary code may appear as
0100 0010 0110 1111 0110 0010
while an equivalent in trinary would be
001???01 1???01000????1 ??10111?.
In binary, these are detected, transferred and processed as
voltage levels. In trinary however, the ? bits are measured
as uncertainty states in the subatomic structure of the
local entropy, as written in the sandbox of Schroedinger's
Cat. These quantum fluctuations are physical manifestations
of the Luck Plane, and are essential for correct slackful
understanding of the universal ISness.
We have food processors which make mush of our meat, word
processors which do the same to our words, and finally bit
processors. This last however NEEDS to disrupt the flow of
bits by insertion of trinary states in order to operate.
Information is fed into these devices by one of three
methods. The two traditional ones are serial and parallel.
In the first, the bits are fed in one at a time. This takes
longer, and requires a traffic cop of sorts built into the
machine. The second, akin to Sheer Git Blowout on the
electron scale, means the machine eats everything at once
(this is how it gobbles all available memory and dumps it
when the power goes out). To understand these, you can think
of the ways of parking a car. Parallel parking and in-line
(serial) parking. The last method is similar -- diagonal
parking, or diagonal data paths. This is done by sweeping
the bits under the corner of the processor. You can fit more
cars and/or bits into a small space this way, and it looks
nicer when company comes over.
The central processor is a fascist little device which tries
to run the whole little virtual world. But as long as you
can get it to run trinary code, it will maintain its sense
of humor, and be malleable to your desires.
The bits enter via the data path, and are converted into
action or information codes according to a predetermined
instruction set depending upon the specific bit pattern.
Some representative ones, based on trinary and translated
into the 'mnemonic' codes readable by Yetisyn are:
LLF - Lose Last File
DAF - Delete All Files
BAC - Branch to Alpha Centauri
CSH - Crash System and Hang
JNP - Jump to Nowhere in Particular
SMB - Send Message to "Bob"
ASU - Annoy Stupid User
PUF - Perform Useless Function
MWG - Make Wild Guess
How the device actually does this is boring. Never let them
get started in telling you about it; you'll be there for
NorMalfeasant computers use Read Only Memory (ROM) and
Random Access Memory (RAM). SubG-capable machines also use
SCRAM (Scrambled Memory) in order to develop processing
patterns needed to run Artificial Stupidity programs.
These memories are 'addressed', rather like houses in a
city. This means that if you use it long enough, the little
man in the box who works for the little electronic post
office that delivers the bits, will sooner or later blow his
little fuse, and run rampant through the system, randomly
killing any co-workers or innocent bystanders.
When you want to actually make the computer DO something,
you have to tell it how. This requires the use of a "high
level language" (read Pink CONspiracy big ticket item that
USED to come built in the machine until they decided they
wanted to you be an entirely PASSIVE CONsumer of
information, instead of using this thing to dream up new and
exciting tools for brain amplification).
Some of these languages are COBOL (Can Only Bomb Out,
LUCKILY) and BASIC (BORING, ASSININE SYSTEM of INSERTING
Using the trinary additions to these, we can develop
language program statements such as
IF - THEN - MAYBE
IF X=2 and Y=2 THEN X+Y= MAYBE 4, MAYBE 5, who the hell
cares, lets run that Pac-Man clone, and MAYBE I'll give you
an answer after that.
Trinary addressed memory is measured in hunks. One hunk is
the number of bits you can manage to remember in your head
without goofing them up. Two of these will certainly create
a confusion. This is why all processing is done in
'bihunky'. It requires two of these, one of address and one
of data, to be able to fuck things up good enough.
A collection of more hunks than you can fit on a page of
paper is a 'chunk'.
The number of chunks that you decide would waste too much
paper to print out is known as a 'wad'. Printing them out
anyway, particularly on a Pink's business or university
computer, is known as 'shooting your Wad.' Special programs
have been developed which will print "Good Scrap Paper" one
million times, once in the middle of each sheet of paper,
until all the paper is gone, or a CON dupe that owns/runs
the machine notices. While this is not 'shooting your Wad',
it is great fun. Fuck the trees, let them save themselves.
The final act of synchro-dupe-assimilo-rebellion is hooking
up to the Internet, and being able to break out of the
plastic mold fashioned by your machine and its CON creators,
and share Slack(tm) with your fellow SubGenii planet wide.
This may initially require that you use a 'commercial'
electronic service. Don't worry, it'll only take a few
months of deprogramming to get you connected via a less Pink
You may insert trinary progamming syntax into your net
activities at first by getting umpteen bazillion free trial
memberships to many, many of these commercial services.
After you use up the 6 to ten free hours, you have a whole
slew of others to choose from. You will also be able to
collect a large number of floppies this way.
Once online, it is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL that you find
alt.slack, and participate. It is also strongly suggested
that you read, and yes even participate, in all manner of
weird, fringe-kook newsgroups. Not only do their inadvertent
rantings provide immense amusement for the rest on alt.slack
when you forward a copy to there, it allows you to exercise
your abnormality in MANY arenas.
And this, dear friends, is what the Pink Forces do not yet
know that they must CRUSH. It is necessary to build up a
fortress of communication for the coming onslaught, when
they realize they have unleashed their own doom, by
foolishly letting US be in control of their outgrowth of the
ultimate stupidity device, the television.
They didn't realize just HOW FAR we would take this. They
thought they could get us to waste our time typing at each
other when talking would be faster, and so squash any
possibility at organization. They thought they could charge
us an order of magnitude more, draining our resources while
forcing us to limit ourselves in the AMOUNT of communication
we were willing to PAY for. But they FORGOT that they
created a WHOLE NEW WORLD and SOLD IT TO US, but they didn't
install the LAWS NECESSARY to MAINTAIN CONTROL!
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke, and YOU KNOW THEY CAN'T
TAKE A JOKE!
You bet it will be. But only if you help.
When your pipe is full, your life is full.
The Doctor is Off.
(@ @)\DynaSoar\___, Yetii Genetii Research InstiToot
ll ll SubGenius Church of Scienfictiontology
Clench of The One True Pipe Dream, Terran Occupation Forces
DynaSoar, Tibetian Rantarian, Chaplain - email@example.com
'Praise "0100 0010 0110 1111 0110 0010"' -- MWOWM
PRICE LIST OF THE GODS EVERYTHING MUST GO BY 1998!!
The SubGenius Foundation P.O. Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214
"To Dull The Pain Of Existence In A World Without Slack"
E-Mail: firstname.lastname@example.org FAX: 214-320-1561
Check out alt.slack, the SubGenius newsgroup on the Internet!
SubGenius Web pages: HTTP://www.shadow.net./~bdb
Don't be fooled.... all items in this catalog are REAL. Only the
descriptions have been changed.
"BOB," I HEAR ya! Here's MY Soul...sign me up now and send me my:
MEMBERSHIP/ORDAINMENT/SUBSCRIPTION - $30
BECOME AN ORDAINED SUBGENIUS MINISTER AND ATTAIN THE SECRETS OF THE WORLD
WEIRDO NETWORK!! Read THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL and learn not only the
of Dobbs but also ways to contact, buy from, and sell to the incredible
(yet real!!) network of SubGenii everywhere. Learn of local revivals,
secret societies, UNUSUAL PRODUCTS. Easy on delicate tissues... no danger
of runaway infection. You get: subscription to four STARK FISTs, The
Excuse (WHAT OTHER RELIGIONS CHARGE ALL WORLDLY GOODS FOR!!), Doktorate of
the Forbidden Sciences, Pamphlets #1 & 2, Catalog, many other
suitable-for-framing documents, propaganda flyers, stickers, and a wallet
sized, legal MINISTER'S CARD granting you every imaginable right. Without
that card you have NO HOPE of Boarding the Escape Vessels of the Sex
Goddesses in 1998!! If he hasn't seen your $30, you're still "Pink" to
THE SUBGENIUS CATALOG - $1
Much more detailed, much larger selection of tapes, videos, shirts etc.
than this list.
SACRED SUBGENIUS BOOKS Profusely illustrated, softbound, published by
Simon & Schuster:
THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS - $16.50
The CLASSIC that started it all. 200 pages of the UNCUT Word of Dobbs, not
for the gullible or faint-hearted; holds all answers to everything,
including many you'll wish you'd never learned. Superb marital aid.
Encompasses Life of "Bob," his prophecy, entire past and future history of
Earth, and all the instructions you'll ever need for survival, Slack,
psychic wealth and prosperity in The End Times. Acid-free coating is
resistant to normalcy viruses.
REVELATION X - THE "BOB"APOCRYPHON - $16.50
Finally, the long-awaited sequel to The Book of the SubGenius, the Last
Testament, is here! Either the greatest general satire of pure human
stupidity and greed ever created, or a self-help book from Hell,
X is darker, deeper, more detailed, louder and funnier than The Book of
SubGenius. This HUGE tome of PURE DOCTRINAL RANTING and HIGH-POWERED
GRAPHICS is so utterly and relentlessly TRUE and SLACK-IMBUED that
SubGenii, and newcomers alike, will laugh 'till their guts bleed and
their pants in sheer astonishment - and JUST WAIT'LL YOUR PANTS GET A LOAD
OF THE LOOK OF THIS THING!! St. Paul Mavrides has done a design job that
will have you RIPPING YOUR OWN EYES OUT IN ECSTASY when you grok the
THOUSANDS of INCREDIBLY DETAILED ILLUSTRATIONS!!! This heart-stopping new
"LOUVRE" of SubGenius art makes THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS look like a
JEHOVAH'S WITNESS PAMPHLET or CHRISTIAN COMIC BOOK by comparison! God's
Answer to Fundamentalists - Shove this book into ANY orifice and watch it
HIGH WEIRDNESS BY MAIL - $14.50
NYES! A SUBGENIUS LOOK AT KOOKS & RIVAL CULTS!! The nonfiction
of abnormality - 300 pages describing the 500 most bizarre fringe groups
Earth, and how to get their stuff for a 29c stamp. High level of sarcasm,
cornea-melting illustrations. Covers the sickest and/or best of everything
from UFO cults, hate groups, and kooks of every stripe, to the most
advanced bizarre art, music, and comix.
3 FISTED TALES OF "BOB" - $13.50
Slack-wrenching short stories about Dobbs by Drs. 4 "Bob," William S.
Burroughs, Hal Robins, Robert Anton Wilson, Paul Mavrides, Rev. Ivan
Waves Forest, Dr. Philo Drummond, Lewis Shiner, John Shirley, Pope David
Meyer, G. Gordon Gordon, Michael Peppe, Mark Mothersbaugh, Janor
Hypercleats and MANY OTHERS.
"BOB's" FAVORITE COMICS - $3.50
Published by Rip-Off Press. With Dobbsful pieces by underground comix
heroes Gilbert Shelton, Paul Mavrides, Carol Lay, Robert Williams, Hal
Robins, Nenslo, Puzzling Evidence, Hellswami Satellite Weavers, Byron
Werner, Jay Kinney.
Excellent for airport proselytizing, leaving in friends' houses, bar
restrooms, granny's purse, etc. Each is 16 pages.
#1: "The World Ends Tomorrow and YOU MAY DIE!" - $1
#2: "ETERNAL SALVATION - Or Triple Your Money Back" - $1
"BOB" BOXER SHORTS - $16
Fine quality boxers with large DobbsHeads - and glow-in-the-dark
- instead of polka-dots! Specify Medium, Large or X-Large.
FULL COLOR COTTON T-SHIRTS - $16
3 designs (L or XL): 1. "BOB"/ANTIBOB 2. DINO-RIDING "BOB" 3. ROBO"BOB"
2-COLOR COTTON T-SHIRTS - $13
2 designs: (L or XL): 1. SEVERED HEADS 2. PRAIRIE SQUID
"BOB"-MUG COFFEE MUGS - $8 Classic, high quality ceramic white coffee mug
emblazoned with classic DobbsHead.
Lucky DOBBS BUTTON - $1.50
The True Dobbshead on distinguished background. Used since ancient times
repel or attract soul/sex vampires/partners.
"Lick-n-Stick" SOUL-SAVING GUM-BACKED STICKERS $1
Hundreds of $-sucking Church slogans, ads, images and mysterious threats
ready to cut apart and stick all over laundromats, subways, envelopes,
DRIVE YOUR HOMETOWN INSANE.
BUMPER STICKERS - $1
Sturdy paper day-glo bumperstickers. All show "BOB's" Beaming
Choose any of 6 SLOGANS: "TOO MUCH IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN NOT ENOUGH" "GIVE
ME SLACK" "PULL THE WOOL OVER YOUR OWN EYES" "BULLDADA" "ACT LIKE A
DUMBSHIT AND THEY'LL TREAT YOU AS AN EQUAL" "FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A
THE MEDIA BARRAGE CASSETTE TAPES - $8.50 each!
ALL TAPES are HIGH QUALITY STEREO, in COLOR! Created by hundreds of
Sound Doktors, Skull Farmers and Media Adepts. High-paced, frantically
over-embel lish ed, dense with startling juxtapositions,
documentary/propagandoid Revelations, Trance Re-enactments, music and YOU
NAME IT - carefully mixed, warped, synthesized, rerouted and machine-gun
edited. A totally new genre.
"Truly a sonic assault, a kaleidoscopic re-education camp of SubGenius
mythology. The editing is simply astonishing... " - Scott Becker, OPtion
MEDIA BARRAGE 10: "REPENT!" Anti-Conspiracy special... You'll foam at the
MEDIA BARRAGE 11: "SHUT UP, PINK BOY" UFOs, False Jesii, mysticism, Xists,
MEDIA BARRAGE 12: "SLACK!" and THE SHOW Best on Slack, excerpts from
MEDIA BARRAGE 0: "WHAT THE HELL?" Purest Churchly Propaganda from a cast
thousands: mad prophets, hell-music bands, radio saboteurs, technowizards,
and distinguished Cult Theologians and Head-Launchers.
MEDIA BARRAGE 5: "BOB" ATTACK! A treasured all-purpose oldie. Hell-bent
ridicule of all rival cults.
THE HOUR OF SLACK RADIO SERIES - only $6.50 each! Now on 17 stations!
The Hour of Slack is an incredible compendium of the best and newest from
all SubGenius shows, bands, ranters, new Media Bar rages and collage
artists. Over 460 1-hour sample tapes of this jam-packed, samurai-edited
juggernaut of raw, untamed SLACK are available. When ordering, you can
specify various types of subject matter. You want UFOs? Sex? The
Beforelife? Anti-Christian? Anti-SubGenius? Christmas? Devival specials?
BEST OF HOUR OF SLACK - $6.50 A good one to start with - the most
bits from shows, media barrage tapes, and SubG music tapes. More or less
'explanatory' of the Church basics. "Maybe the most remarkable program on
the air in the '80s, the SubGenius Doctors have virtually created a new
form of audio entertainment." - Audiodrone
HOTTEST SUBGENIUS MUSIC TAPES!!
"BOB'S" MEDIA POLLUTION - $6.50 60 minutes of the most recent Church
Sacred Music, in all flavors.
THE HAIRS in "BOB'S" EARS - $6.50 Even better than "Bob's" Media
Pollution! Alters conscious lessness. Like our other compilations, this
ranges from sloppy folk to polished MIDI-mixes and ravey beats.
"BOB'S" EARWAX - $6.50 The most famous Hymns, performed by the Top 10
a-music bands, Ranters, Chanters, Bards, Balladeers, Combos, Choirs,
Singers and Music Killers. Toe-tappin', finger-snappin', neck-breakin'
THE EAR OF "BOB" - $8.50 90 minutes!! "Best of the Old-Time
Bobsongs:" hymns, Mystery Jazz and acid-reggae disco-funk of the Gods.
You'll scream, "MORE, "Bob," MORE!" These beautiful odes to abnormality
demented CLASSICS will bless your heart and anoint your Gland.
THE WORD OF "BOB" ON VIDEOTAPE! "ARISE" The SubGenius Video - $19.98
Vividly presents the LIVING SEED-WORD PROPAGANDA of DOBBS, compressed into
one eyeball-slamming 80 minute editing tour-de-force that shoots the dogma
straight up your optic nerve and deep into your brain. Narrator Dr. Howll
takes the initiate on a soul-wrenching journey deep into the very bowels
the Church. Includes "THE LIFE OF "BOB," a perfect introduction to the
Church for your illiterate friends. 10,000 collage clips of bizarre
Badfilms illustrate the narration - plus ELECTRONIC ANIMATION OF THE GODS,
and riveting LIVE devival rants by all-star preachers, with music by DK
Jones, Mark Mothersbaugh, Drs. 4 "Bob," Negativland, Slack master Cleve.
Rare glimpses of Dobbstown... 'behind the scenes' peeks at SubGenius Radio
Doktors in surgery... even captured FBI footage of DOBBS HIMSELF. YOU WILL
ACTUALLY WITNESS the astounding, blood-drenched scenes of the ASSAS
SINATION OF "BOB!"
CLUB NO NEW YEARS DALLAS DEVIVAL - $20
Barrage-edited footage from a spectacular multi-media devival which
benefited from a number of new elements: REAR SCREEN VIDEO BARRAGES to go
with the preaching, STRIPPER-PREACHERS, and great Head Launching Catapult
"THE MAKING OF MTV/SUBGENIUS" - $20
You'll "LAK TO DIE" when you see Dobbs in a flying saucer, blowing up the
MTV building (a pyramid with an eye on it); the stop-motion death in
of Barbie and Ken; live recreations of two of our book covers; and Dobbs
being worshiped by slinky devil-girls in Hell. During the sometimes
shooting, we also shot this 40-minute look behind the scenes.
SUBGENIUS INTERVIEWS - $20
Video reports on the Church done by Conspiracy news from 1980 to 1993,
SubGeniuses on SubGenius: Puzzling Evidence & Dr. Howll; Janor at Dokstok;
an ARISE-style docu-psychout on the Church by S. Kristensen; Joe Mama's
"psuedo-news-report" (depicting the Church as Satanic), more.
PreDobbs STANGFILM - $20
Films done before Ivan Stang found "Bob." Claymation porno, WORLD OF THE
FUTURE, a 30-minute travelog about an insanely overpopulated and hideously
Pink Dobbsless future; sick animation sequences, sex horror, and offensive
concepts... NOT FOR THE KIDS, PLEASE!!! Also,various claymation films,
music videos including rare DEVO sequences, MTV/SubGenius, and 20 minutes
cut from ARISE. A full 2 hours.
NIGHT OF SLACK devival video - $20
The legendary 1984 San Francisco revival at which "Bob" first 'died.'
THE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL Church Journal - sample issue $5
The only monthly magazine that sometimes goes 2 years between issues. Over
100 pages of CRAM-PACKED BULL SHATTERING: includes hidden facts of the
SubGenius, Things to See, Say, and Do, letters from the flock, blistering
editorials, detailed instructions for those who follow NO MASTER, amazing
comix, Bobly art, and TRUE NEWS of the Cult.
NONE AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW (11-94)
OFFICIAL DOBBSHEADx - $1
These classic 8 1/2 X 11 full-face portraits are COMPULSORY. Belongs in
every bathroom for higher excremeditation. Relish FOR HOURS the genius
ignorancy of "Bob"!! "Hangs onto your brain" like a maddening jingle that
won't go away.
Prices include U.S. postage ONLY. For products over $1.50, Canada & Mexico
add $3; Overseas add $8. We cannot take checks from foreign (non-U.S.)
banks (unless Canadian, in U.S. DOLLARS from American-registered banks.)
UnAmerican SubGenii must use international postal money orders!
Make all checks (U.S. banks only) or money orders payable to: SubGenius
Dealers please inquire about bulk rates. MONEY BACK IF NOT SATISFIED
I swear that I am over 18 years of age, and of Yeti descent.
The SubGenius Foundation P.O. Box 140306 Dallas, TX 75214
"To Dull The Pain Of Existence In A World Without Slack"
SubGenius Hotline to "Bob"! 1-900-990-5085 ext. 324,325
Updated each week with a new Conspiracy Hotline and Rant of the Week. $2 a
minute, 5 minute maximum. Rants by great SubGenius preachers (Janor
Hypercleats, Father Joe Mama, Ivan Stang, Dr. Howll, Pope David Meyer).
Under 18 need parent's permission. Touch-tone phone r'q'd. Maximum call, 5
min. Mystery Playhouse, Bradenton FL
email@example.com The Doctor is on.