* Forwarded from "HolySmoke (Family Educational forum)"
* Originally by Marty Leipzig
Whilst digging around in some old files, I came across an
early attempt at divining the meaning of some frequently
found, but seldom defined, terms that live in/on/around the
Holy Smoke echo. Although these shibboleths are sometimes
heard/seen outside the forum; in the echo, they have a life
and meaning all their own. Please note: this is not an
attempt to usurp Herr Rice's excellent "HolySmoke FAQ" list,
but more to an attempt to, hopefully, add to it a bit.
Remember, this list was originally printed on unrecycled
paper. Great, huge bleeding swaths of virgin forests were
cut down and the land devastated in both The Big Piney and
Chequmagon National Forests. The ink was made from minerals
strip mined in some of the most erstwhile scenic lands in
North America. Thousands upon thousands of cute, furry and
fuzzy little animals were left cold, wet, shivering and
homeless. So treat this lexicon with all its due respect.
AGNOSTIC: (1.) One who queries the existence of a God(s);
(2.) a gutless atheist.
ATHEIST: (1.) One who denies the existence of a God(s);
(2.) one who disbelieves the existence of a God(s);
(3.) one who doesn't give a flying fuck either way and spends
their time trying to understand reality rather than illusory
ARCHBISHOP: A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that
attained by Christ - H.L. Mencken
AUDITORIUM: An indoor gathering place where evangelicals of the
electronic media pack their paid audiences to, on cue, nod in
agreement, look evangelical, or exclaim Hallelujah! Much is spoken
at great length and with firm conviction, but little is said. Being
a typically family enterprise, the evangelist is generally
accompanied by his googly-eyed wife, mother-in-law, son, and
miscellaneous other progeny who attest to his devotion to family,
motherhood and the Moral Majority. Etymologically, the word
auditorium has mixed roots, AUDIO- derives from the Greek "to hear",
and TORO-, from Spanish meaning "bull".
AWE: A religious precept by which one bows and scrapes in the face
of things not understood.
BARAMIN: 1.) From the Hebrew (those well renowned ancient
taxonomists) "bara"- created, and "min"- kind, ostensibly a
new term of taxonomic nomenclature. While supposedly being
scientific in nature (although derived from that famous
science textbook: "The Bible"), creationists themselves,
the very merry clan that coined this anachronism, cannot
agree upon it's definition. J. Moore (an ICR guru) states
"It's difficult to define...but can be used generally for
any easily recognized living form of plant or animal." (Well,
so much for fossils. I wonder to what baramin the creodonts
[ancestral to both the felids and canids] belong?) Moore
does not say why a kind is so easily recognized but so hard
to define. 2.) From the Latin "bara"- referring to pressure
(barometric, isobaric, etc.) and "min"- shorthand for
minimum. Conjoined it refers to the minimum pressure, in the
form of logical scientific scrutiny, needed to demolish this
worthless term. It's units are expressed in nanobars.
BIBLE: A classic tome of delightful whimsy written two or three
thousand years ago, somewhere west of Eden, by half-civilized
Hebrews and Shebrews. The opus is a compendium garbed in contorted
convolutions, puerile platitudes, improbable parables, and archaic
anachronisms; told and retold in double re-entry flashback. Much of
the text was passed along by word of mouth or voice-over. But owing
to the total recall of these early near-savages, the sage words of
the prophets were preserved verbatim, without embellishment or
exaggeration. And in those days, nobody lied. It was the first of
the genre which depicts harlots as heroines and women as weak,
tempting or irrelevant. Being inerrant, inspired, infallible, and
impossible, everyone now agrees that the Bible is the best guide as
how we should live our lives.
BIGAMIST: (1.) A person who twice gives up liberty in the pursuit of
happiness, (2.) A mistake in companion selection for which the
Mormon Church judges the penalty of trigamy, (3.) A large Italian
BOTANY: The study of the plant kingdom as opposed to animals and
minerals or fundamentalists. Special interest pertains to flowering
plants which Man, in his vanity, believes God created for our
pleasure, but were actually evolved to attract insects and promote
effective cross-fertilization. A particular attention is given to
botanical spontaneous combustion; in the character of burning
CARTESIAN: Of or pertaining to Rene Descartes, originator of the X,
Y, Z coordinate system of geometry and the timeless dictum "Cogito
ergo sum" (I think, therefore I am). Actually, this later turned out
to be a mistranslation of "Coito ergo sum", but no one gave a fuck.
CENTAUR: An animal of the Bible which is half-man, half-horse; with
human foreparts and a horse-like posterior. Now regarded by most
experts as extinct, although the essence of the centaur is
epitomized in the modern fundamentalist.
CHICKEN CACCIATORE: An early Italian convert to Christianity, who in
A.D. 64 chose not to become leonine lunch in the coliseum of Rome.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: A church founded in the late 19'th century by
Mary Baker Eddy; proficient in the curing of imaginary diseases.
CHRISTIANITY: One of several only true religions achieved not by
coming to the faith at the end of a long journey, but rather by
standing still. Christians become so by a lucky accident of birth -
being born in the right place at the right time. Otherwise, Heaven
forbid!, one might end up a Muslim, a Jew, a Sikh, or a Buddhist. To
be a member of the correct subset of Christianity, say Calvinist,
one must choose his or her parents wisely. One does not need to
embrace a religion as a religion imprisons you. All this obviates
choice, evaluation and independent inquiry.
CHRONUS NEXUS: The brief, fleeting and instantaneous moment in the
history of a country when the ascending Catholic Church achieves a
51% majority of the population through miscalculation in the
workings of papal roulette, and just before the achievement of 99
percent Catholic plurality. This occurred in Italy in 1457, Spain in
1320 and Ireland in 1582. For the USA, the anticipated date is 1999.
CHURCH: A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven
brag about it to persons who will never get there. - H.L. Mencken
CHURCH OF ENGLAND: A place where an atheist would feel comfortable.
CONVENT: A place of retirement for women who desire leisure to
meditate upon the vice of idleness.
CRYPTOZOOLOGY: The pseudoscience of studying Bigfoot.
Paluxy Man, the Loch Ness Monster, the Abominable
Snowman (Yeti) and other things that go bump in the night.
Man is a very small animal and the night is large and full
DARK AGES: A dismal period in human history from 300 to 800
C.E. when little or nothing much happened, and civilization
stagnated. The beginning of the Dark Ages is synchronous
with the establishment of the Christian Church. Historians
agree in a direct relationship, but disagree as to whether
religion was the cause or the effect of the Dark Ages.
DELUGE: An impressive first experiment in baptism which
washed away the sinners as well as the sins of the world.
DREAMER: An evolutionary scientist asking for equal time in
the pulpit on Sunday morning.
EDEN: A luxuriant garden where the devil experiments with
the seeds of new sins and encourages the growth of stable
ELLIPTICAL WRITING: Writing with equal sense, or lack
thereof, when read forward or backward - or quite possibly
sideways. A classical example is found in the tortured and
perplexing writings of Mary Baker Eddy (1821-1910), the
founder of "Christian Science", in which only the spirit
world is real. Her basic propositions were:
God is all in all,
God is good, good is mind,
God spirit being all, nothing is matter.
These basic axioms Mary Baker Eddy observed may be equally
understood if read backwards. This, she believed,
mathematically proved their perfection and exact
correspondence with ultimate truth. Viz:
All in all is God,
Mind is good, good is God,
Matter is nothing, all being spirit God.
Which is really a fallacy, for the real meaning becomes
all too apparent when the sentences are really read
Lla ni lla si dog,
dnim si doog, doog si dog,
rettam si gnihton, lla gnieb tirips dog.
(Sung to the tune of "Louie, Louie".)
ELLIS' LAW: Named after Dr. Robert Ellis, a
psychotherapist. This law states "Religious indoctrination
creates people who are inflexible, dogmatic, and bigoted.
Either religion appeals to the stupid or religion results
in stupid people." Its reality is supported by the inverse
correlation between IQ scores and religiosity. (Ellis,
1964, 1976, 1985, 1992.)
EVANGELIST: (1.) A bearer of glad tidings assuring us of
salvation while our enemies roast to a nut-brown discomfort
in hell - A. Bierce, (2.) A country bumpkin of the wacko-
right turned religious huckster who, draping the ill-
fitting mantle of piety around his shoulders and stomping
off on a witch hunt, ferrets out secular humanists and
other miscellaneous bogeyman. with a primitive view of this
world and a hallucinatory view of the next, he harangues
lost sinners in an impassioned and declamatory style to
repent and be born again. Threatening hell-fire and
brimstone for various offences, he is strangely quiet
regarding hookers, pornography and seedy motels in New
FAIRY: An angel who has fallen into apostasy and hence
given to dancing, games of chance, trivial pursuit and
FAITH: (1.) A belief without evidence in what is postulated
by one who speaks without knowledge of things without
parallel - A. Bierce, (2.) a belief in something known to
FEAR: Phobia, for example: hierophobia (fear of priests),
hagiophobia (fear of the Pope), demonophobia (fear of
demons), phasmophobia (fear of ghosts), pneumatophobia
(fear of spirits), uranophobia (fear of heaven),
stygiophobia (fear of hell), agyrophobia (fear of crossing
the street), apeirophobia (fear of infinity),
phronemophobia (fear of thinking) and phobophobia (fear of
FLOOD EVIDENCE: That purely illusory and conveniently well
misplaced, or deliberately lost, bit of indication that the
Flood of Noah actually did occur. It is unevidenced by
outsized boats not found in Turkey; and by the complete and
total lack of geological, biological, linguistic, genetic,
biogeographical, zoological, geophysical, paleontological,
physical and stratigraphic information either willfully
hushed-up by the global scientific conspiracy (the "GSC")
or being suppressed by the Russians, er..., Haitians,
err...Red Chinese. Yeah. That's it! The Red Chinese.
FUNDAMENTALIST: (1.) One who finds every word of the Holy
Writ to be true, if not literally, then literally and
mystically. When one finds a text convenient to his
argument, it is quotable as ultimate proof, reality
notwithstanding. (2.) A backwoods rustic living amongst the
'coons, 'dillos and magnolias who is functionally
illiterate. A boll-weevil Southerner who believes in
biblical literalism and is suffused with hatred.
GEOLOGIST: (1.) A scientist who walks on water by knowing where
the rocks are. (2.) One trained in geology, paleontology,
logic, rationalism, reason and/or engineering. The latter group
are considered internal infidels.
GLOBAL SCIENTIFIC CONSPIRACY, THE: The inane belief in a
worldwide deliberate collusion of thousands upon thousands of
diversified scientists from all and every venue of science, from
Astronomy to Zoology, from Athabasca to Zaire; to either fake
data to make the Bible appear errant; to hush-up data that could
be considered "anti-evolutionism" [whatever that may be. -ed.];
and to close ranks and protect the poor, misguided junior
scientists, grad students and superannuated oldsters that
actually think that a debate with an ICR huckster would be both
fair and scientific. It is most often employed by the benighted
of the faith when their frail claims and beliefs are met head-on
by the relentless juggernaut of reality.
GLOSSALALIA: The gift of tongues. Pious prattle from the
pulpit. To babble unintelligibly with intent to bamboozle.
to talk while saying nothing - and vice versa. To listen
only when talking. Commonly practiced by fundamentalists
who, generally speaking, are generally speaking.
GOD: (1.) The Supreme Being, eternal and infinite Spirit,
Creator and Sovereign of the Universe. - Webster's.
(2.) A being of more than human attributes and powers,
a deity, especially a male one. - Webster's
(3.) Old-Man-in-the-Sky. - Buonarroti Michalengelo
(4.) Nature. - Benedict Spinoza and Albert Einstein
(5.) Not supernatural but ultranatural. Can only be
described in terms yet to be discovered. - Nobel Price
(6.) A Santa Claus for adults. - A. Aaron Aardvark
(7.) Hydrogen. - an astronomers' characterization
(8.) Eleventh dimensional De Sitter space. -
(9.) The great "I am", all knowing, all seeing, all
acting, all loving, and eternal. Principal, mind,
soul, spirit, life, truth, love, overall and
all. - Mary Baker Eddy
(10.) Illusory or nonexistent. - A pragmatists'
(13.) Shiva, Vishnu, Zoroaster, ad infinitum.
Summary: if you are asked if you believe in God,
perhaps the most confusing answer you can give is "Yes".
GURU: Divines, shamen, deacons, reverends, priests, medicine
men, warlocks, dowsers, jujus, necromancers, sorcerers,
dervishes, obeah men, yogi, voodoos, witches and fools who
practice the black arts of thaumaturgy and omphaloskepsis.
They successfully exacerbate curable disease while puzzling
HARANGUE: Florid oratory with more gusto than decorum by a
televangelist in which the Ultimate Truth is demonstrated by
thunderous conviction; particularly before the altar call
and the plate pass.
HEATHEN: (1.) A benighted creature who has the folly to worship
something he can see and feel. - A. Bierce (2.) One from Heath.
HEAVEN: That never-ever land adjacent to the Void, formerly
thought to be in the sky just beyond the Firmament. Modern
space research has made this location dubious so that Heaven
is now regarded as being far beyond Nowhere.
HEBREW: A male Jew, as opposed to a She-brew. - A. Bierce
HERETIC: A member of the forum who has agreed, with bad
grace, to differ.
HOLY GHOST: (1.) His Indescribable Holiness, (2.) Intentional
inexistance and presence in absence. His Nondescript
Holiness. (3.) Casper, the friendly deity.
HOMO SAPIENS: (1.) Man, the wise. (2.) Man, the sap.
HYMNAL: A liturgical songbook for use in a church,
cathedral, basilica, synagogue, masjid, oratory, chantry, or
sacarium where words too bizarre, fanciful, or whimsical to
be recited aloud may yet be sung with perfect propriety.
HYPERBOLE: A statement so extravagant that it almost rings
true. Example: "Jesus of Nazareth was the greatest scientist
to ever trod the globe." (Mary Baker Eddy). A converse
statement is: "The apparition of Karl Marx on Earth was the
Second Coming of the Messiah." V.I. Ulianov
INDEFINITION: De-defining words so that they are
intentionally vague, fuzzy and indefinite. A cardinal sin
among scientists, who pride themselves on being precise, but
a virtue among creationists who desire to confuse rather than
elucidate. They term evolution as a religion and a theory as
a guess. And the word God is another example. It is a
concept so broad and inclusive that covers everything in
general but nothing in particular. Creationists downplay
language and upgrade the limbic system at the expense of the
INFIDEL: A term of reproach which Christians and Muslims, in
their modesty, agree to apply to each other.
INSTITUTE FOR CREATION RESEARCH (ICR): A thinly disguised
oxymoronic fundamentalist religious bunch which is not an
institute, and does no research. They spend their time floating
horsetail reeds in aquaria, finding questions to their
answers and pestering school boards to include their
hallucinatory (and narrowly sectarian) view of religion as
science. A more appropriate name for this group of
sadsacks, flub-a-dubs and third-rate hobbyists would be:
"The Anti-Science, Anti-Evolution Hysterical Propaganda
Front and Religious Begging Flock, Inc.".
JOSS STICKS: Small sticks of incense burned by orientals in
their tomfoolery and in cheap imitation of certain rites of
the orthodox Christian church. - A. Bierce
KAABA STONE: A large stone, said to be a meteorite,
worshipped by Muslims at the sacred Kaaba temple in Mecca.
The stone was hurled by the Archangel Gabriel at the
Patriarch Abraham who asked for bread.
KIND: Another in the long list of indescribable,
and incomprehensible terms conjured up by your friends of
science at the ICR. Hank Morris (that hydraulic engineer and
paragon of natural science) says that a "kind" is "an originally
created entity" (bit of preconceived notion, there). Morris does
not say what "entity" denotes, but Art Biele, our resident fundy
apologist and totally frustrated debunker wannabe, has proclaimed
for all that "kind" unequivocally equals the taxonomic rank of
family. Gives you the warm fuzzies to know that all primates are
just one big, happy kind. However, dissension in the ICR ranks
causes good ol' Duane ["Evolution the fossils say NO!"] Gish
["Gish is an idiot -fossils"] to note that a kind is a "basic
type", including "variants" derived from "a single stock". But
then Gish hedges saying "we can't always be sure what constitutes
a separate kind." Morris continues, "There may be uncertainty as
to what THE BIBLE [this is science?] means by kind, but it is
obvious that the word does have a definite and fixed meaning." In
other words, the ancient, near-savage band of nomadic herdsmen
who authored the big book knew what they were talking about even
if the head cheeses of the ICR do not.
LACHRYMA CHRISTI: A Campanian dark golden wine of fruity
bouquet with no particular pedigree but with an amusing
pretense. "The tears of Christ, my boy, the tears of
Christ." says Brother Ignatius, savoring a soup‡on. "'tis a
strange name for a wine grown on the slopes of Vesuvius,
which is as near to hell as any living soul can get."
LEGER-DE-MAIN: An emaciated French thaumaturgist who once
invited Fata Morgana to Maxim's for a sumptuous repast of
unicorn steak a la truffle, topped with Flim Flam a la
LLD: An honorary degree granted to superstars of the
electronic pulpit who collect more than $500,000.00 per
annum; for example, Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, Pat
Robertson, and up until only recently, Jimmy Swaggart.
Originally derived from the British currency usage œœd (now,
in American $$›). To encourage silent collection, without the
disturbing tinkling of coins, the d is now commonly dropped.
MACKEREL SNAPPER: A pejorative name applied to members of a
certain Christian sect (remaining nameless) who formerly were
divinely abjured from eating meat (fish and bunnies
excluded) on Fridays. That was declared unnecessary as it
was discovered that God was only kidding.
MAMMON: The God of the world's leading religion. His chief
temples are the towers of Wall Street. - A. Bierce.
MESMERISM: Hypnotism before he wore good clothes, kept a
carriage and asked incredulity out to dinner. - A. Bierce
METAPHYSICS: A dash of the supernatural added to physics as
offered by a guru while contemplating his own navel.
MILLENNIUM: The period of ten centuries after the return of
Christ in 1996 when the lid is screwed down with all
evangelists on the underside.
MIRACLE: (1.) The extremely rare, but extraordinarily
common, practice of suspending physical law, (2.) The
bastard child of Faith and Hope which neither parent can
afford to acknowledge.
MOONIES: Followers of a latter day messiah, the Reverend Sun
Myung Moon of the Unification Church, a late entry into the
Religion of the Month Club. Maharishis of this cult
skillfully combine the worship of mammon, moolah and
mysticism. Moonies are not to be confused with their
curry-scented brethren the Hare Krishnas with their saffron
robes, thongs, tambourines and Kojak haircuts. Rev. Moon
offers the absolute best in false messiah-ship, heresy and
MORAL MAJORITY: The John Birch Society wrapped in the flag
of the church.
MORALITY: The theory that every human act must be right or
wrong. - H.L. Mencken
MORMONISM: The afterclap of Puritanism. - Ralph Waldo
OCKHAM'S RAZOR: The principle of parsimony or KISS (Keep It
Simple, Stupid) first enunciated in the 13'th century by the
Bishop of Ockham who advised: "Non sunt multiplicanda entia
praetor necessitatem (Do not multiply entities beyond
necessity.) The dictum often lops the heads off of both the
arguments and argumenters such as theologians, metaphysicians,
apologists, creationists and shamen who prefer pronouncements garbed
in garbled complexities.
OMEN: A sure sign that something may happen if nothing does.
OMPHALOSKEPSIS: The bizarre art of meditating whilst staring at
one's own navel; into which one tends to fall after practicing
omphaloskepsis for countless unblinking hours. Contrast with
gynphiloskepsis; a common practice at most men's clubs, also carried
on for hours without end.
ORANG-UTAN: By some authorities regarded as an anthropoid
ape (_Pongo pygmaeus_) but according to natives of Borneo
and Sumatra, the Orang is actually a human who remains
speechless to avoid missionaries.
ORTHODOX: A sinful ox, domesticated, imprisoned and enslaved
by a religious yoke.
PAPAL BULL: Papal bull.
PARANORMAL: Included under this rubric are: Mesmerism,
Clairvoyance, E.S.P., U.F.O.'s, Loch Ness, et al, monsters,
telepathy, psychokinesis, poltergeists, exorcisms,
reincarnation, Bermuda Triangles, biblical prophecies,
levitation, horoscopes and Christian Science healings. In
other words, nonsense. In other, other words:
PARTHENOGENESIS: Birth from virgin females without
fertilization by a male spermatozoa. It occurs commonly in
certain insects, crustaceans, annelids, gastropods, and
reptiles. In principle, it could happen in mammals and man.
By genetic law, the offspring is always female. Jesus, as a
male, is an impossibility.
PASSALORYNCHITE: A member of an early Christian sect who
took a vow of perpetual silence. Unfortunately, they are now
virtually extinct in religious circles, save for a few
Trappist Monks. Much to the consternation of secular
society, fundamentalists are definitely apassalorynchitic.
PHILOSOPHER: One who learns less and less about more and
more until he knows nothing about everything. The opposite
is the specialist who learns more and more about less and
less until he knows everything about nothing. Both are in
contrast to the fundamentalist; who learns less and less
about less and less until he has to have someone tell them
what to believe.
PIETY: Reverence for the Supreme Being based upon his
supposed resemblance to man.
PLAIN: A place in Spain where the rain mainly falls. In
England, by contrast, the rain falls everywhere. The rain,
it rained on the just/ And on the unjust fella / But mostly
on the just because / The unjust hath the just's umbrella.
PRAGMATISM: A philosophy holding that the truth is
pre-eminently to be tested by the practical consequences of
belief. The art of the possible as compared to religion -
the belief in the impossible.
PRAYER: A verbal supplication to God soliciting favors since
He does not answer letters not appear for photo opportunities. A
classic example of God's response occurred in 1887 following a 7.2
earthquake in northern Mexico, just south of the Arizona territory.
This event created a fault scarp 50 km long and 3 m high - the
greatest quake ever affecting Arizona. The terrified peons of the
Pueblo de Bavispe poured into the village church praying for
salvation and deliverance. God released another jolt causing the
roof to collapse and dispatched the 42 pious peons to the stygian
nether world. The moral: Beware of praying in the company
of sinners, for "Lo! I am an angry God", Judges 7:13
PREACHER: (1.) A person who thinks twice before saying
nothing, (2.) A preying, praying, prying, purveyor of pious,
pasteurized platitudes. A pompous panderer of parochial
PRIEST: A salaried urban witch doctor.
PRIMATE: (1.) The head of a church. In the Anglican Church
(The Church of England) there are two primates - The
Archbishop of York, who is the Primate of England, and the
Archbishop of Canterbury, who is the Primate of All England.
(2.) Any of an order of higher mammals, including the
lemurs, tarsiers, monkeys, gibbons, great apes, and Man -
and both the archbishops of Canterbury and York; who have in
common with the primate; the mandrill; the color purple.
PROPHET: (1.) One who navigates the sea of knowledge without the
charts of science or the compass of education and ends
always by discovering ultimate truths which somehow eluded
the wisdom of the ages, (2.) one who waxes prophetic about well
known past events, but nver about unknown future events.
RATIONALIZATION: A method of logic whereby creationists
reach conclusions of their choice by mixing perplexity with
complexity and sprinkling the spice of conscious mendacity so
as to avoid painful revelations.
REACTIONARIES: A group of persons organized to overthrow
government, upset the state or destroy the current culture;
for example: the Institute for Creation Research.
REALITY: Any of a number of myths shared by a large number of people.
REVELATION: (1.) The final book of the Holy Writ, commonly
ascribed to the apostle John, but by others to Baron
Munchausen or the brothers Grimm. (2.) A biblical book of
riddles which requires for its understanding a revelation.
(3.) The last of the canonical books of the Bible, the
Apocalypse. The Book of revelations reverberates with
retribution, reverie, revival, revocation, revolt,
revivification, revulsion and woe. (4.) The last of some
66 books of the Bible in which St. John the Divine concealed
all he knew. The prophecies and wisdom of the prophets are
divulged in full disagreement.
SABBATH: Sunday, the Holy Day of Rest. Except, if you are a
Jew, then it's Saturday. Except if you are a Muslim, then
it's Friday. Or, everyday (intellectually) if you're a fundy.
SACRILEGE: The blind from which fundamentalists can shoot
arrows at evolutionists accusing them of blasphemy without
fear of reprisal by claiming special privilege.
SCAPEGOAT: In an ancient Jewish ritual, a chief priest on
the Day of Atonement who, for a fee of one goat, laid the
sins of penitent upon the head of a second goat and
dispatched the beast to die in the wilderness (Leviticus
16). An acute shortage of goats ensued so, at the beginning
of the Christian Era, Jesus of Nazareth offered himself as a
surrogate; or surrogoat. The use of various scapegoats,
bearing the real or imagined sins or misdeeds of others has
persisted down through the ages. Recently, the Jews
themselves were the unwilling scapegoats of Nazi Germany.
To spare human suffering, theologians have campaigned for
once again using goats, now in plentiful supply, as an
addendum to the Geneva Convention.
SCIENTOLOGY: A new "church" founded by L. Ron Hubbard,
author of the 1950 book "Dianetics", which explains how to
"clear" yourself of "engrams". Successful praxis of this
mythical procedure is attested to by the realization of a
profit of $350 million without the necessity of Scientology
being either a science or an -ology. The term "Dianetics",
is a curious former past imperfect form of the geological
term "diagenetics". Diagenetics refers to the processes
whereby unconsolidated sediments are lithified; i.e., turned
into rock. Dianetics, therefore, refers to those processes
whereby previously normal gray matter is turned into solid rock.
SHAMAN: Sham man.
SOTERIOLOGY: (1.) The study of salvation by belief in the
legendary Jesus Christ. (2.) The science of hygiene. In
both definitions, the solution is to take a bath; preferably with
lots of soap.
SOUL: A spirit that is claimed to inhabit the more human of
human beings of the genus _Homo_. Entirely non-evidenced and
vaporously ethereal, it is claimed to be of little utility
in this life and of great import in the next.
SUNDAY: The day given over by Americans to wishing that they
themselves were dead and in Heaven, and that their neighbors
were dead and in hell. - H.L. Mencken
SUNDAY SCHOOL: A prison in which children do penance for the
evil conscience of their parents. - H.L. Mencken
TELEOLOGIST: A word juggling mystic who is forever seeing
"wisdom" where there is none and who tries to explain the
universe in terms of a presiding intelligence; curious due
to the practitioners very lack of the same.
TERROR: (1.) Intense, overpowering fear. Anything that
instills such fear. (2.) Violence toward private citizens,
public property and political enemies promoted by a
political group to achieve or maintain supremacy. (3.) An
annoying or intolerable pest, a nuisance. Oftimes used in
the phrase "a holy terror".
THEOLOGY: Episcopopagy which begins with assumptions and
ends in a fog. Theology is classified superstition which
belongs in the dustbin with alchemy and astrology. The art
of explaining the Unknowable in terms of things not worth
knowing to people with a stupendous capacity to believe the
incredible and impossible.
THEORY: (1.) In creationist usage, something less than a
fact - a mere guess. (2.) In scientific usage, a generally
accepted idea supported by a preponderant body of evidence
that describes and predicts conditions in the natural world.
A theory is a statement which elucidates an underlying
pattern of nature, a pattern that makes sense out of a
myriad of observations, is logically consistent, and holds
true when tested. Theories never become facts, they explain
a collection of facts. Example: The Theory of Evolution.
TRINITY: (1.) A big bay just south of Corpus Christi, (2.)
The Father, Son and Holy Ghost (the Dad, the Kid and the
Spook), where three make one, (3.) The most sublime mystery
of holy religion. In terming it incomprehensible, one
displays an inadequate grasp of theological fundamentals.
WEREWOLF: One of the many disguises of Satan. A werewolf
relegated to the plu-perfect subjunctive. Hence, a wolf that
once was, used to be, was sometimes, or if not, might be.
WINE: A fermented concoction of the Devil, drunk by
Christians during Communion. The beverage of choice in the
top three levels of Dante's Hell.