01-Jan-87 10:42 MST
Sb: APtx 12/31 TOP--Texas Guest Colu
Fm: Executive News Svc. [72135,424]
By ERIC GERBER
The Houston Post
HOUSTON (AP) -- As usual, Houston's foremost mystic and
soothsayer, Sufi Sales, had changed locations since my last visit.
He moves around a lot to keep in touch with the spiritual
vibrations and keep the bunco squad happy.
I found the small brown man in the big plaid turban holding
forth in an abandoned fireworks stand on Hempstead Highway. A
Porta-Sign out front said, After-Christmas Clearance! Readings
half-price! All-Knowing! All-Seeing! All Credit Cards!
"Ah, greetings," Sufi told me as I entered. The place smelled
of incense and beer, and his scratchy stereo was playing, "Do You
See What I See?" Sufi smiled. "I am knowing you vould come."
"I know, I know."
"To be obtaining my predictions for 1987. But, vait," the
mystic said, staring into my face. "Sufi sees the camel of doubt
has left its droppings across your features."
"Your predictions last year weren't so hot, O Myopic One.
Remember you said Reagan would step down in 1986?"
Sufi shook his head, making his plaid turban wiggle. "No, no.
Vhat Sufi said vas Mr. President Reagan vould step down ... and
then up and then down and then up. In your language, it is called
"You said the Oilers would be in the Super Bowl."
The turban wiggled once more. "Still you are mishearing Sufi.
What Sufi vas saying vas, `Vould not it be super if the Oilers
learned to bowl!' The Oilers in the Super Bowl? Ohmygollygee! Sufi
is mystic, not miracle worker."
"What about this one -- comedienne Joan Rivers will die in '86?"
Sufi's bloodshot eyes widened in surprise. "Goodness me! Have
you not seen the ratings on her talk show?"
"OK," I said. "But I hope your '87 predictions are more
specific, O Evasive One."
Obediently, Sufi bowed his head. He began chanting his mantra,
ghaveanicedhai, ghaveanicedhai, and his eyes rolled back ....
"In 1987, I see ... a revival of interest in the song `North to
Alaska,' especially around the White House ... I see South Africa's
President P.W. Botha joining the criticism of Ted Turner for
colorizing old films, saying, `What's black and white ought to stay
black and white' ... I see the price of oil skyrocketing."
"That's great news," I said.
"Fish oil, that is," Sufi continued, taking another slug of
prophet's elixir. "I see ... the guys who've been rubbing
minoxidil into their bald heads suddenly sprouting new hair -- all
over their hands ... I see Geraldo Rivera doing a TV expose
revealing that Pee-Wee Herman is really an adult ... I see Congress
cracking down on organized crime's money-laundering schemes, but
still unable to do anything about their dry-cleaning ... I see a
collapse of one of Houston's tallest structures."
"Do you mean Transco Tower, Your Inebriation?"
"No, I mean Ralph Sampson. Vhat an overrated crybaby," he
said, taking another swig. "I see Bill Clements announce he vas
only fooling and trying to give the governor's job back to Mark
White ... I see Texas solving its illegal alien problem -- by
becoming part of Mexico ... I see a shocking scandal involving the
Ayatollah purchas9 I said arms ... I see the FDA approving The
Bill Cosby Show as a sugar substitute ... I see Stephen King
checking into the Betty Ford Clinic, pleading, "Stop me before I
publish again" ... I see Vanna White leaving Wheel of Fortune to
do something `more meaningful' -- pointing out letters on Sesame
Street ... I see President Reagan naming Teddy Ruxpin ambassador to
Nicaragua ... I see your car being stolen."
I heard an engine start and jumped up. I saw my heap heading
down Hempstead. "Well, &(NU)%!!! and &%$!"
Sufi smiled serenely. "I am knowing you vould say that."