(19) Sat 24 Jun 95 15:46
By: Alan Jennings
Re: Church of Elvis Demands Equal Time
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CHURCH OF ELVIS DEMANDS EQUAL TIME
The founders of The Church of Elvis have demanded a mandate to require that at
any public event held on public property in Baton Rouge Louisiana where
invocations are inflicted by members of the Great American Christian Jihad,
that an equal amount of time be allowed for an invocation proffered by the
followers of the teachings of St. Elvis Aron Presley.
The Louisiana Legislature recently passed legislation allowing voluntary
student led prayer in public schools. Church officials hailed this legislation
believing it would finally afford them the opportunity to reach high-school
students who are ripe for worship of the flesh.
Fundamentalist Christian interests are expected to decry this move as an
unacceptable application of the fairness doctrine. Church of Elvis officials
are confident that if any persons shall be required to submit to the orations
of worshipers of a dead man named Jesus, that others can sit quietly and
consider the orations of worshipers of a living lord like Elvis.
Members of the Church of Elvis have many feast days in the church, and
celebrate the life of their King. The church promotes Freedom, Food, and
Sexuality as its trinity. Many of the
members have been worshiping in secret, and are happy that the law is now
opening doors for them to share their belief openly. Many of them are believed
to be on the rolls of protestant churches only for social reasons, knowing the
truth and worshiping the Lord Elvis privately.
As was written in the book of Elvis, "I am but a HunkaHunka burnin' love" and
"Don't be Cruel"
Such beatitudes are celebrated by faithful followers of Elvis who are beginning
to assert themselves and their right to public professions of faith now that
the Fundamentalist Christians have demanded that the government become a
Elvisites report that they "think that may be good, but if we go to a
Theocracy, we need to afford free drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll to all, including
the poor and destitute, and the rich and stuck-up."
Officials of the Church of Elvis were not available for comment. The
Archbishop's butler said he was at the beach with Elvis today considering
whether to accept a nomination for the presidency. When asked what he thought
of the mandate, he said, "It is good. Praise Elvis!"
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