By: firstname.lastname@example.org, Central Computer Banks-mcws (1:102/851) To: Fredric Rice Re: Free
By: email@example.com, Central Computer Banks-mcws (1:102/851)
To: Fredric Rice
Re: Freeze, sucker!
WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER
REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC
users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating
system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User
Program for Windows 95." To participate in this offer, a user pays
$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic
suspension. The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until
about a week before the Windows 95 ship date.
"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and
acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society
between the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95,"
explained a Microsoft spokesman. These may include "the OJ Simpson
trial ending, another momentous Congressional election,
faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human evolution."
For an additional sum of $15,000, users will be kept in suspension
until Windows 95 3.x is released or until it works which ever comes
first! This is to allow them to be revived when a useable product has
been produced and to reduce the trauma that would be inflicted on
their cheaper counterparts who suffered though the first several beta
test versions (oops, I mean official releases).
Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer (there's a
fool born every minute), a vast area will be needed for the storage
facility. "We have chosen the state of Utah," stated
Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway." Spokespeople for
Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but
their words were not suitable for publication.
IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft
promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp, said they would
not be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program. "Freeze people?
What for? Warp has already been shipping for months," said a source
who asked not to be identified.
Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan
as a "bold, innovative" move. In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion
column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims, "IBM
has missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy. Users
clearly want to be frozen in liquid nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like
units for an indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made
national headlines three years ago, when he claimed that if "Windows NT
didn't completely replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to
grating comedian Gilbert Godfried. Today, he clarifies that "I didn't
say *which* six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1,
1995, but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a
reduced fee of US $3,000. Given M$'s past record of product
reliability, life insurance is strongly recommended.
E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank