By: David Rice
Re: Spam Jake Day!
Hormel Foods Right Spamerend David Rice
Corporate Offices Sol-System-Wide Church of Holy Spam
1 Hormel Drive ----- ------ -------
Austin, MN Dana Point, California
May 18, 1994
Dear venerable makers and packagers of Divine Tin-Plated Spam,
I represent the One True Church of Spam, that wholly divine Meaty and
Tasty armored manna given unto us by God's regency here on Earth, Hormel
Foods. We have Spameries (churches) throughout this planet and all other
planets in the solar system (hence the name Sol-System-Wide Church of
It has come to our attention that there are several reprobate, false
little Spamian scum who claim to be the Real One True Church of Spam.
Please be advised that they are the tool of the Anti-Spam, General Foods.
They are false deceivers out to destroy Spamianity with their mendacity,
prevarication, fabrication, and naughty fibs! If any so-called church
purporting to be the Real True Honest-Please-Believe-Us Church of Spam
contacts you, don't believe them! They aren't: we are!
And we'd like you to officially recognize and endorse us as such. We
are the Real, True, Honest, Would-We-Lie-To-You? Original Holy Church of
Spam. Whatduhyah say?
To show our divine, blind, thoughtless devotion to Holy Spam, we have
set upon a course of Holy Fatwa, Jihad, and Crusade to rid the Earth of
the Anti-Spam, General Foods. We thought this would please you. No,
really. Effective immediately, all production facilities belonging to the
Anti-Spam, General Foods, will be subject to our Holy Wrath: first
picketed, then purchased from them in Holy Hostile Takeover, and finally,
once we own each facility legally, burned to the ground. We will then
jump on the ashes, again and again, chanting the Holy name of Spam. One
day the evil Anti-Spam, General Foods, shalt be purged from the whole of
Earth and the entire Solar System! Amen.
I remain, as always, your devoted instrument in spreading the Word Of
Spam throughout the World, this particular star system, and one or two
others in the immediate neighborhood.
Spmnd David Rice, Esq.