NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But
NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry
and pour hetrheart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a
poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her
life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after
the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and
say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But
I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known
as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all
men have made at least once. There are community colleges that
offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes
rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45
seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as
part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes
grocery shoping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time
a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that
the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will
not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL
be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring,
finishes putting on her makeup...
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage answer the phone, red a book, get the mail. A man will
dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were
hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he
is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat. This is a myth.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
Brain and Useless.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
magazines also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
TV, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously and
even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.
The women will roll their eyes, groan, and wait it out.
Even the most dexterous man cannot wrap a present. It takes a
typical man two and a half rolls of wrapping paper to cover one
bottle of perfume. Women are skilled gift wrappers. In a single
hour, a woman can take a 3x2-foot sheet of paper and stylishly wrap
a year's worth of Christmas presents.
Men like to bowl. Women do not like a sport that requires them to
put on pre-worn shoes.
For women, a favorite move scene is when Clark Gable passionately
kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For
men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy".
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with
wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will
look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear.
There is no reason for a man to ever, *ever*, wear anything besides
A woman will generally admire an ornate desert for the artistic
work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval
before she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man
will start by grabbing the cherry in the center.
The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a
problem himself until it either goes away or turns into something
that "can't be fixed without special tools".
The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however,
have the car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur
fewer problems than the typical male.
The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
morning, or maybe both if he's under 30. The average woman would
like to have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken
in" about the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let
new shirts sit on the shelf in their original packaging for a
couple of years before putting them to use, hoping they'll become
more comfortable with age.
Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's
The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is
fooling around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her
best friend if she knew the best friends' mate was having an
affair. She'll tell all her OTHER friends, however.
The average man won't say anything if he knows that one of his
friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if his
mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with
one of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own
affairs, though, so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda
doesn't keep him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the
Porsche who's attempting to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are
exciting challenges to see who has The Right Stuff on the morning
commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body shop knows for
sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and price
their policies accordingly.
A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing
touches to her makeup.
The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress
shoes, boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers
thick on the floor of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few
things together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good
A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things
together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this
other man, sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his
priest or psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit
of drunken sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for
someone who's such a jerk, I guess you're OK."
It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all
men. Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on
some woman, he will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would
a jungle expedition. He wants a map of the store showing where he
has to go to get item X in color Y in the correct size, which he
doesn't know. Even then it takes him half an hour to get there
from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished his mission,
he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to relax.
E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank