By: DAVID RICE
Re: Jesus Runs for President
What if ... Jesus Christ was on earth in our time, and
decided to run for President? Can you imagine the news
JESUS CHRIST DECLARES FOR PRESIDENT -- OPPONENTS RAP "ANTI-
By Hal Gordon
Copyright 1995 .. online use authorized
Washington, D.C. - Jesus Christ formally declared himself
a contender for the 1996 Republican presidential nomination
today, amid growing controversy over his purported
Senators Robert Dole and Phil Gramm, Mr. Christ's
principal rivals for the GOP nomination, were quick to point
out previous positions taken by Mr. Christ that pro-family
Republicans were likely to find objectionable. Sen. Dole
cited an occasion reported in Luke 9:60, where Mr. Christ
refused to allow one of his campaign volunteers time off to
bury his father. Sen. Gramm added that the next two verses
of that same chapter show that Mr. Christ does not even
permit his volunteers to so much as say goodbye to their
families when they join his campaign. "That's just plumb
shameful," deplored Sen Gramm.
Leaders of the religious right were even more critical of
Mr. Christ's stand on family issues. Pat Robertson of the
Christian Coalition quoted Matthew 10:35-36 -- verses, he
insisted, that revealed Mr. Christ's "secret plan" to destroy
the traditional family: "For I am come to set a man at
variance with his father, and the daughter against her
mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.
And a man's foes shall be they of his own household."
"What further proof do we need," demanded Mr. Robertson,
"that Mr. Christ is the enemy of all that is good and
wholesome in American family life? Even the most extreme
elements of the homosexual lobby haven't proposed anything as
subversive as this!"
Mr. Christ's own sexual orientation has been called into
question as well. Responding to rumors that Mr. Christ had
sought to address a mass meeting of the Promise Keepers and
had been turned away, Bill McCartney, the organization's
founder, said that Mr. Christ's appearance at a Promise
Keepers rally would be "inappropriate", given the
organization's avowed purpose of helping men become better
husbands and fathers.
Mr. McCartney said it is common knowledge that Mr. Christ
is over 30 years of age, still unmarried, and leads a
rootless, itinerant lifestyle. Furthermore, he noted, Mr.
Christ encourages his married followers to leave their
families behind when they come to work for him. Most
unsettling of all, said Mr. McCartney, are the disturbing
references in the gospels to Mr. Christ "loving" members of
his male entourage -- specifically John, Lazarus,and the
scion of a wealthy family identified only as "the rich young
Mr. Christ's partiality for anonymous young men has also
been commented on by Gary Bauer, head of the Family Research
Council. Mr. Bauer reports that his organization is
currently investigating Mr. Christ's widely-publicized arrest
in the Garden of Gethsemane on charges of disturbing the
peace. In particular, said Mr. Bauer, his organization is
attempting to discover the identity of the young man who,
according to the account given in Mark 14:51-52, was observed
fleeing the scene stark naked.
A press release just issued by Mr. Christ's campaign
promised that the candidate would convene a press conference
early next week to answer these and other charges that have
been leveled against him. At that same press conference, the
release continued, Mr. Christ would make what were termed
"some damning accusations" of his own.
... Fundy Logic: Lie 1 + Lie 2 + Lie 3 = "God's Truth"
--- Silver Xpress Mail System 5.4H1
* Origin: "And furthermore, 'Don't call me brother.'" (1:124/9005)