How To Become a Man of The Cloth
by Glenn Gatlin
One of few things I admire about organized religion is that, despite
being completely bogus, it manages to work itself into a figure of
authority in almost every community. A man of the cloth commands
respect. It is assumed that a man of god is somehow better than the
rest of us, less likely to be tempted into sin, less likely to lie
on his taxes, less likey to impregnate your daughter. When we really
know that their just a bunch of flaming pedophiles.
The majority of the people aren't yet savy to this, so you can take
advantage of them by becoming an ordained minister, bishop, or pope.
Along with your credentials you will get the accompanying tax advantages,
as well as the legal ability to perform marriages and funerals. There
are also airline and hotel ``clergy'' discounts. Not to mention the
fun you can have starting up your own church fund drive.
The Charter Ecumenical Ministries in Los Angeles California will make
you a reverend in their church for the low, low price of $10.00. Just
send them a ten spot and they'll give you the right to declare your
home a church.
But you say you'd rather be a Bishop? No problem, for $50.00 the Calvery
Church of Faith in Rillton, PA will bestow upon you the title of Bishop,
with the right to be addressed as ``Your Grace.'' There are no
responsibilities and you don't even have to be a christian to qualify.
Although not quite as official, there is the Church of The Subgenius.
If you've never heard of them or the Rev. Ivan Stang, then you're
in for a real big surprise. Send them $10.00 and you'll get more
information than your brain could possibly process in a thousand lifetimes.
Don't look for any tax breaks from this one.
If becoming a Pope still doesn't satisfy your spiritual urge, then
maybe sainthood is for you. Traditionally, this is one of the hardest
ranks to achieve, not only do you have to perform a few miracles,
but they also like you to be dead. That is everyone except the Universal
Life Church, who don't really give a damn what you are, if you send
them ten bucks - your a saint. In return you will get ``a beautiful
parchment certificate with your saintly name engraved on it.'' What
I snagged most of this info from $TATU$ FOR SALE, a great reference
book for those of us who need to buy a little prestige. It covers
every area of high class you can imagine, and how to manipulate it
for your own personal benefit. Among many other things, this book
will tell you how to get on ``The Best Dressed List,'' legally change
your name, real and phoney college degrees, and how to become certified
royalty (It really is amazing what you can buy for a couple mil.)