To: All Msg #66, Feb2893 10:06AM Subject: The Wizard of t.o Well, when I have some free ti
From: Warren Vonroeschlaub
To: All Msg #66, Feb-28-93 10:06AM
Subject: The Wizard of t.o
Organization: Ministry of Silly Walks
From: kv07@IASTATE.EDU (Warren Vonroeschlaub)
Reply-To: kv07@IASTATE.EDU (Warren Vonroeschlaub)
Well, when I have some free time (and even when I don't :-) I like to relax
by writing. Influenced by this Friday's showing of The Wizard of Oz, I
wrote the following. I assume everybody is familiar enough with the movie
to know what music to put where.
---------- The Wizard of t.o ---------
Our journey begins when on a simple note. A simple poster is on the
verge of having her belief in Creationism snatched away. In fear she
starts to argue, but is stymied when asked "What is the theory of
Somewhere, in a good news group, on internet,
I know, there is a theory, and you can make a bet.
Surely it could not happen, that there's none,
You're just being premature if you think you've won.
Oh once I heard there was a claim,
That Creationism was insane
But I know that it's not true
And so I will prove it to you.
If I search for a theory, I will find,
Sure as creatures cannot change to another kind.
So when the theories found I'll let you know,
This is one thing I am sure of, I will show.
In an attempt to return to the subject she is caught up in a cross post,
and sent to another group.
"Toto, I don't think we're in alt anymore."
And suddenly a bubble descends on the quite spot, and from it steps
Colby, the good regular of t.o. He turns to the intrepid traveler and asks
"Are you a good poster, or a bad poster?"
"Why, I'm not a poster at all. Please tell me, where can I find the
theory of Creationism?"
"Well, for that you must speak to the great Wizard of t.o."
"But where can I find him?"
"Just follow the subject line thread."
"Follow the subject line thread?"
"Follow the subject line thread."
Follow the subject line thread, follow the subject line thread,
Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the subject line thread.
We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of t.o.
If to ever a wonderful wiz we go, the Wizard of t.o is one although,
Although, although, although, although, although,
Although he's the only one we know (la la la la la la la la).
We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of t.o.
But soon she comes to a fork. "Oh, which way do I go?"
"Well, some people go that way."
"Who said that?"
"Others try that way."
"Say, wasn't that Holden pointing the other direction?"
"Of course, some go in both directions."
"You can talk! Oh please Holden, tell me how to get to the Wizard of
"Well, if you could help me off this high horse, I'd be happy to direct
With some struggle she manages to help Holden to the ground, and he
relates his story.
Oh, I know that you've been thinkin'
That I'm no Einstein or Lincoln,
And I suppose that it is true.
But what theorems and theories,
I'd publish in every series,
If I only had a clue.
"Well come with me. I'm sure the great Wizard of t.o can give you a
And so together they continued down the subject line thread. But there,
on the side of the path, was a Kalki, a Kalki made out of tin! "Oh, look!
Why, he's all rusted. Here is his oil can, let's see of we
can free up his joints."
After only a few minutes work the tin Kalki was able to move. Thanking
them profusely he the begins to tell his story.
Oh, I've been chanting 'Hare Rama',
And searching for the Brahma,
But although my brain I've wracked,
Everything that I have posted,
Is not worth what I've boasted,
'Cause I haven't got a fact.
"Oh then tin Kalki, come with us. I'm sure the Wizard of t.o can give
you a fact."
And so the trio headed down the path before them, and entered a dark and
dreary forest. Before they could take another step, out leapt a Tun. He
roared and howled, and the people cowered in fear. Then suddenly he found
himself before our seeker of truth, who slaps him.
"(Sob) why did you have to do that?"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Why, you don't know how to argue at all do you?"
I suppose that it is clear then,
That I couldn't tell a theorem,
From a loaf of bread.
But I know that I could knock out
Every single doubt,
If I only had a thread.
"Oh come with us. Holden here is seeking a clue, and Kalki needs a
fact, and me, well, I'm just trying to find the theory of Creationism. I'm
sure that if the Wizard of t.o could give us all of this, then surely he
can give you a thread."
And so, on to the Wizard of t.o they went. Soon his magnificent castle
loomed on the horizon. Before long they were at the door.
"Well, I guess I should ring the bell.", and so she pulled the bell cord.
Almost immediately a Cotera peeked out from the doorway. "Who rang that
bell? Can't you read the sign?"
"What sign is that?"
"Why, it's as plain as the nose on your face. It's right here, er . . .
here. Hmm, well I guess I'll have to make one up. What is your business?"
"We're here to see the Wizard of t.o."
"Well come in, come in."
And so the door was opened, and the four sojourners entered. While
waiting for an audience the Tun became excited about the possibility of
getting a thread.
'f I were King of t.o, not Queen, not Duke, not Prince,
Then I would let others know, not think, not 'spect, not evince,
With a gruff, and a gruff, and a growl,
That all I have said is quite true, not fiction, not fantasy, not report,
And then their arguments they would all rue, not enjoy, not approve, not
So they'd moan, and they'd groan, and they'd howl.
What makes a discussion out of a claim? A thread!
What causes fire and vitriol to rain? A thread!
What makes the logic flow so well?
What makes the hearts of readers swell?
What makes the antagonists to fell? A thread!
And now the Cotera returns, and tells them the Wizard has granted them
entrance. Down a long corridor, and through enormous doors into the throne
room of the great Wizard of t.o.
"Who dares enter the presence of the great Wizard of t.o?"
"We do, your, uh, Wizardness."
"I have no time for such requests, be on your way . . ." But while the
Wizard spoke, a flutter of a curtain caught the searchers eye. Running
over to a spot, she pulled it aside to reveal a Bales. "Oh no," he
"Why, you're nothing but a humbug!"
"No, not at all. I am the great and powerful Wizard of t.o."
"But what about our requests."
"Well, you Holden. You want a clue? I can assure you, many of the
greatest supporters of Creationism have done so without any clue. But they
did have insensibility, and so I confer on you the right of insensibility."
"And you, tin Kalki, you are looking for a fact? Well rest assured that
many of the arguments for Creationism have no facts. What they do have is
assertions. And so, it is with the greatest support, that I give you an
"Ah, and the argumentless Tun. Do not be so concerned about lacking a
thread, so few great creationists do. What they do have, is the clever
quip. And so, with all due honor and regalia, I do bestow to you forTun 5.0."
But our traveler looks sad. "I need the theory of Creationism. I don't
think you're going to find that in your bag."
"No, I don't suppose I will. But your plight has forced me to
extraordinary means. You see, I work for Tektronix, and while working for
them I discovered a problem with Isochrons. This work transported me to
t.o, but I have held on to my research for any emergency that may come up.
I have that research here, and I'm going to give it to you."
"Oh, Wizard, this is wonderful!"
And so our explorer found herself outside the castle with the Isochron
data. "But, this isn't Isochron data, this is Pseudoisochron data! Oh
what will I do now?"
"Look, somebody is coming!" exclaimed Holden.
"It's the good regular Colby. Oh Colby, what am I to do? How will I
ever find the theory of Creationism."
"Why, you've had the answer all along. The whole reason I sent you on
this journey is because you didn't realize that the answer is in yourself."
"You're right, I have learned something."
"Then click your heels together and repeat 'There's no theory of
"There's no theory of Creationism, there's no theory of Creationism,
there's no theory of Creationism."
And so out intrepid seeker of truth found herself back at home. "Oh,
auntie Em, auntie Em. I was in the most amazing place and had such a
wonderful adventure. But in the end I learned, there's no theory of
-|- ___ Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub
| | o | firstname.lastname@example.org
|/ `---' Iowa State University
/| ___ Math Department
| |___| 400 Carver Hall
| |___| Ames, IA 50011
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