Chris Heiny May2793 06:17AM The t.o Theories FAQ There've been quite a few updates to the

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Chris Heiny May-27-93 06:17AM The t.o Theories FAQ Organization: Xerox Corporation, Webster NY From: (Chris Heiny) Message-ID: <> Reply-To: Newsgroups: There've been quite a few updates to the theories FAQ since I first sent it a couple of months ago. Some are serious, some are spoofy. At any rate, it's gotten quite large, and looks like it ought to be sent again. If you're favorite theory is missing, or incorrectly or inadequately represented, or has been extended or modified since its inclusion, please e-mail me ( with the info, and I'll fold it into the FAQ. At the moment, I'm particulalry interested in: 1) more info about the blind deaf cat 2) Jens Christensen's 10 alternative theories 3) a flame/abuse free summary of Ted's theories from Ted himself 4) a -theory- of creationism. Chris One of the t.o FAQs is: "Is the blurfl theory poster really serious?" For those of you who have trouble telling which theories are real and which are spoofs without benefit of smiley feces^H^H^H^Haces, here is the t.o theories FAQ. In the first part of this document, theories are listed in alphabetical order: name, spoof/serious indicator, and a VERY brief summary. Note: - summaries are NOT intended as definitive descriptions of the specified theory! - the serious/spoof categorization is not intended to reflect the scientific/moral/actual veracity of the theory, but whether the main proponent(s) of the theory take it seriously or not. In the second part of this document, theories are listed in alphabetic order in a more expanded format. Each entry contains the name and category of the theory, as in the summary section, plus a "Current" field, indicating whether the theory is currently or was recently a topic of discussion on, a "More Info" field indicating a person(s), FAQ or other source of further info (or some combination of these), an "Updated" field, indicating the date the info on this theory was last updated, and finally a "Description" field, which are a few paragraphs attempting to describe the theory. Theories are separated from one another by a row of 5 + signs. To submit updates, comments and new theories, please email me at or If I'm missing your favorite theory, please let me know! ??? the Invisible Deaf Cat spoof Details are needed on this theory. Abrupt Appearances serious Creationism without mentioning God. Abrupt Appearance of Pluto spoof Pluto suddenly appeared not too long ago, because we found it. Creationism serious The Earth/Universe appeared out of nowhere around 4004 BC - God did it. God also did: the Noachian flood, fall of man, and so on. Credentialism spoof Whatever I say is true because I have a) pieces of paper with impressive writing on them, b) more pieces of paper than you, c) pieces of paper that more prestigious than yours, d) fewer pieces of paper than you, e) no pieces of paper at all, and f) any combination of these. Cretinism serious Everybody who doesn't believe your pet theory suffers from this. Darwinism serious See evolution. Divinely Punctuated Equilibrium spoof The first lifeform was created by God, was fruitful and multiplied. Whenever some of its descendants would diverge so far from their root stock that they were threatening to become another "kind", God would immediately destroy these organisms with divine (but invisible) wrath and then, filled with wisdom and mercy, instantaneously create another identical organism of this new "kind" in exactly the same place. Evel Knievel Addendum To The Saturn Myth spoof Motorcycle dynamics as applied to planetary motion. Evolution serious Earth/Universe is old, physical processes are uniformitarian. New species of living things arise through natural and sexual selection. Flat Earth serious Earth is flat as a big pizza pie. Flat Earth spoof Earth is flat as a big pizza pie. Fluffy Earth spoof Earth was once the density of angel food cake. Interplanetary catastrophes. Freeze Dried Flood spoof A consistent flood model that agrees with the geological and fossil evidence while even accounting for Velikovsky's theories and the Uranus myth. Holdenism serious See Saturn Myth Invisible Pink Unicorn spoof The Invisible Pink Unicorn created and maintains the Universe. Jumping Jupiter spoof What if 1 billion Jovians all jumped from a chair at the same time? Kalki-ism serious KRSNA Creationism. Last Tuesdayism spoof Everything appeared out of nowhere last Tuesday, including the evidence that the Earth and the Universe is more than 7 days old. Norse Creation Theory spoof The world as we see it is made up of the fragments of the dead giant Ymir; his blood forms the oceans, his shattered bones form the mountains and rocks, the top of his skull forms the sky above, and clouds are nothing more mysterious than levitating fragments of Ymir's brain. This theory actually makes testable predictions, and is subject to revision based on new evidence. Once Hollow Earth spoof Earth was once hollow. Panspermia serious See UFO Crap/Serious. Reduced Felt Effect spoof God built the world out of recycled pool table cloth He bought on sale. Saturn Myth serious Earth orbited an 'electromagnetic star', reduced felt effect of gravity, Kazmeier vs. the Ultrasaurus, planetary & interplanetary catastrophes, conspiracy of scientific establishment to supress the truth. Theistic Evolution serious God is involved in evolution to some degree. Theistic Evolution spoof God is evolving. The early precambrian God was quite primitive by our modern standards, and has become more complex and diverse as time passes. Things are the way things are spoof Things are the way they are because that's how they are. UFO Crap serious Life originated from organic molecules and/or cells and/or more complex life forms from outerspace. UFO Crap spoof Life on earth resulted from a chunk of misplaced celestial sewage. Uranus Myth spoof Much like Saturn Myth, with some exceptions. Uranus was a superconductor, which let Earth orbit lower than gravity would have permitted. Unlike many theories, documentory proof is available via fax. Velikovsky serious See Saturn Myth +++++ Theory: name Category: serious/spoof Current: yes/no Updated: today More Info: Who/what Description: text +++++ Theory: Creationism Category: serious Current: yes Updated: 27 May 1993 More Info: ??? Description: No theory of creationism has been presented to date. +++++ Theory: Evel Knievel Addendum To The Saturn Myth Category: spoof Current: no Updated: 24 May 1993 17:05:34 GMT More Info: Description: Well over a week ago, Ted made a reference equating the stability of motorcycles on earth and the need for conservation of angular momentum in planetary dynamics. I requested clarification from him, but as usual, never received it. I am thus left to sort out on my own just what he meant, and I think I have it..... The Evel Knievel Addendum To The Saturn Myth One of the most puzzling problems of the Saturn Myth is how angular momentum was conserved in order to keep the Earth's rotational axis pointed through its primary. Another problem is how could the Earth have been so close to its primary so as to cause the necessary reduced felt effect of gravity. The clue to the answer lies in Saturn's ring system. The rings of Saturn are mostly ice. One of the slipperiest interfaces known is that between two wet ice cubes. The south pole is covered with ice. The answer is inescapable to even the most closed-minded of uniformitarians: Like Evel Knievel roaring around the Loop Of Death on his superduty Vincent Black Shadow, the earth whirled around Saturn on a solid ring of ice!! The North Pole was always pointed directly at Saturn, and the South Pole rode upon a gigantic torus of pure solid ice! The interface between the Antarctic ice sheet and the Saturnine Ice Torus was lubricated by a thin film of water melted by the pressure, much like that beneath a hockey player's skates. What happened to disturb this scenario? Venus of course! As Venus whizzed about the solar system, it smashed catestrophically into the Saturnine Ice Torus. A portion of the Ice Torus fell to earth, melting in the atmospher upon reentry and causing a Global Flood. Most of the rest broke up to form the currently observed ring system, while a few fragments were ejected into solar orbit to become comets. The Earth, deprived of the support of the S.I.T. went zooming uncontrollably across the solar system, in much the same was Evel Knievel would have if you had removed a chunk of track from the Loop of Death. This addendum should be acceptable to all concerned: 1) minimum involvement of electromagenetism while it 2) still supports the Saturn myth. +++++ Theory: Fluffy Earth Science Category: spoof Current: no Updated: 13-Feb-93 19:06:02 More Info: Description: I would like to put forth a NEW nonUniformitarian theory, which will REVOLUTIONIZE geological science, SCANDALIZE the establishment, and win the NOBEL PRIZE for its inventor: ME! This theory is Fluffy Earth Science. It completely supersedes all existing OBSOLETE theories propounded by the Scientific Establishment (this includes New & Old Earth Creationism, Big Bang, The Once Hollow Earth Theory, Holdenistics, Kalkian Dogmatics, and Evolution) and answers ALL QUESTIONS (including: where did I leave my car keys last Tuesday?). The Fluffy Earth Theory is AS FOLLOWS: The Earth As Originally Formed was the density of cheap angels' food cake. Since cheap angels' food cake has a density about equivalent to that of water (I have EMPIRICALLY tested this by dropping crumbs from a co-worker's birthday cake into a glass of flat Dr. Pepper - some of them floated, and some didn't. Thus the average density is equal to that of H20), this means the Earth As Originally Formed had a density roughly equal to that of water. Since the Earth As It Exists Now has density roughly 5.5 times that of water, I calculate the diameter of the Fluffy Earth as 20,181 miles (give or take a few). No, I'm not going to type my calculations. I don't want to. Since the Fluffy Earth was much larger, the surface was much father from the center, and THIS resulted in a REDUCED FELT EFFECT OF GRAVITY!! which permitted gigantic creatures such as the ultrasaurus, pterandon, and kazmeieria to evolve. The soft-as-silk composition of the surface also explains why these creatures made DEEP FOOTPRINTS, which would be consistent with their weight in the Gravitic Field of the Earth As It Currently Exists, even though they could not have existed in such a Gravitic Gradient, since they would have inexorably sunken deeper and deeper into the Fluffy Earth. The SURFACE of the Fluffy Earth was substantially closer to the moon, which accounts for why ancient calendars were SO DIFFERENT than the modern ones. Then, about 6000 years ago, a GIANT METEROID, not unlike the Tunguska Event of 1903, struck the Fluffy Earth. This caused HUGE SHOCK waves to ripple throughout the angels' food cake density structure of the Fluffy Earth, which then proceeded to collapse. I have EXPERIMENTALLY verified this by dropping objects into a half baked angels' food cake, starting with bb's and working my way up. A baseball is what caused the experimental cake to collapse. What object relative to the size of the Fluffy Earth corresponds to the baseball/cake ratio? THE MOON, and THE MOON alone. It is blindingly obvious. The MOON smashed into the Fluffy Earth, and induced it to Collapse to its present diameter!!! In keeping with both the angels' food cake model, and modern theological theories, this is known as THE FALL. Further, the MOON smashed not only INTO the Fluffy Earth, but continued on out THE OTHER SIDE!!! What evidence do we have of this? Underground hydrocarbons, of course! Covered with trillions of barrels of unrefined hydrocarbons, the Moon was like a celestial Gaylord Perry greaseball - moving fast, but who knows where it was going? As it plowed through the Fluffy Earth, it shed this outer layer of hydrocarbons, which formed the hydrocarbon deposits we see today: Saudi Light crude oil, Pennsylvania coal, and Brylcreem, to name just a few. Obviously the Fall must have been a sudden event - otherwise, we would have had records of it. No records of a slow collapse have been found in any ancient writings uncovered to date - a fact that unassailably supports this. In fact, the Fall of the Fluffy Earth was so fast that billions of creatures were caught up in it. As the Fluffy Earth fell to its current diameter, there was a substantial reduction in its surface area. Many creatures escaped, but BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of them did not. Sucked down in the maelstrom of their collapsing planet like walnuts being stirred into a brownie mix, these helpless creatures became the FOSSILS we dig up today to keep paleontologists off the streets and out of trouble. Well at least off the streets. Mountains were thrust up and ocean basins formed as the smooth surface of the Fluffy Earth was convulsed by the Fall. There you have it. THE ONE THEORY that will SATISIFY all concerned parties: Theistics - it's got ANGELS in the angels food cake, a scientific explanation for the Fall, and no mention whatsoever of evolution Catastrophists - not just a near miss, but a REAL collision! Let's see Velikovsky top that!! Ted - Reduced felt effect of gravity, ultrasuarus and all that stuff. Plus some typos. Hollow Earthists - the soft-as-silk Fluffy Earth contained not one cavity, but trillions! You could cut it with an Archeopteryx feather! Evolutionists - who cares whether they're satisfied? The Fluffy Earth Theory SMASHES their pathetic conspiracy once and for all, and exposes their fallacious beliefs for all to see, like the center of a squashed bundt cake. I did include Dr. Pepper, tho, as a gesture of good will. MY CREDENTIALS: I have a BS in Computer Science from Michigan Technological University (you can always tell a good school by how many letters are in its name. Bad schools keep their names short so the students can spell them (f'rinstance Harvard. Yale. Oxford.)), but I did take lots and lots of geology courses too. I've got a bunch of books at home, including the Betty Crocker Cake Cookbook. I'm an ordained minister in the Church of Gospel Ministry. I used to pitch in Little League and Thursday night D-League Softball. I also change the oil in both my car and my wife's. Thus I am qualified as expert, or at least knowing enough about, just about every aspect of Fluffy Earth Science. Well, that's the Fluffy Earth Science in a nutcase, uh, I mean nutshell. Please feel free to post calcuations and ideas that will help me refine the Fluffy Earth Science (since it's obviously a FACT and not just a THEORY). If you're some sort of deluded evolutionist, well just keep your mouth shut and spend your time looking for a new job. You'll all be out of work in 12 months - once the Fluffy Earth Science is published! +++++ Theory: Freeze Dried Flood Category: spoof Current: no Updated: 26-Apr-93 14:50:42 More Info: Trygve Lode Description: Many years ago, the world existed in a sort of "golden age" when it orbited Saturn, Jupiter, and Uranus, which were three different planets all in the same place at the same time in much the way that Christians can worship a trinity and still be monotheists. Now, eventually God looked down upon the world and saw that there many who had become corrupt and evil, not unlike the politicians and lawyers of today, and decided that the time had come to cleanse the world of its evil with a worldwide flood. Now, to begin with, God decided that using the Saturn/Jupiter/Uranus symbolism to convince people of his divinity just wasn't doing the trick, so he decided to just put them in separate orbits so they'd be easier to keep track of; then, while earth was hurtling through space towards its present orbit, God went about getting all the water he needed to make the flood. Much of this he got by instantaneously freeze-drying most of the organisms living on earth at the time (sparing Noah and his family), storing their remains packed safely between protective layers of dirt and clay (since he had foolishly thrown away the packing peanuts that the solar system playset had been packed in) and putting them in alphabetical order, since he was in a mildly anal-retentive mood that day. This is how fossils were created; alas, we know fairly little about the alphabet that God was using at the time, except for general things like the fact that "trilobite" used to come before "ape." Now, God then presented Noah with two of each "kind," still in freeze-dried form and wrapped securely in little foil packets. These Noah stowed securely onto the ark, which didn't have to be very big at all, since these little packets didn't take up all that much space. Unfortunately, Noah was a bit of a lazy sort and when the rains began to fall he hadn't finished loading all the animals on the ark, particularly the ones that even in dehydrated form were fairly heavy (like dinosaurs) and those that he had thought looked awfully funny (like ammonites), so a lot of things got left behind. As a result, the ark wasn't nearly the technological nightmare that some have imagined it to be--it wasn't all that large, nor did it have to be ventilated or contain food for the various animals stored on it. After the flood, God just used the extra water to reconstitute the various animals and used whatever was left for his celestial jacuzzi (which is pretty darn big, so it was quite capable of holding the excess). So, there you have it--a consistent flood model that agrees with the geological and fossil evidence while even accounting for Velikovsky's theories and the Uranus myth. +++++ Theory: Jumping Jupiter Category: spoof Current: yes Updated: 25 May 1993 21:34:58 More Info: (Stephen Watson) Description: >In article (Burch Seymour) writes: [Burch's amusing theory about ancient jumping people deleted by Jim] >You next mission, if you choose to accept it, is to come up with a way for >venus to be ejected from Jupiter and settle into a near-circular orbit >at its present distance from the sun. Same way, obviously. At about the same time, the Jovians wished to get rid of some political undesirables by exiling them to the recently departed Earth. To accomplish this, they jumped on a spot directly antipodal to the location of the detention camp. Since Jupiter is both heavier, and generally less solid than Earth, the result was not a significant change in orbit, but rather the ejection of a large mass, bearing on it the exiles. The proto-Venus made its scheduled close pass to Earth, but the exiles evidently didn't like what they saw, as instead of moving over, they elected to circularize Venus' orbit at a discrete distance by more well-timed jumping. Unfortunately, they had experience with jumping only on gas giants, and did not realize that the crustal structure of a terrestrial planet could not withstand the stress of so many heavy Jovians doing orbital corrections. They succeeded in circularizing the orbit, but were wiped out in the ensuing vulcanism which re-surfaced the planet. Memory of this ancient tragedy has been preserved in the expression "Jumping Jovians", or, as it has come down to us in corrupted form: "Jumping Jehoshaphat", to indicate some completely unexpected event. +++++ Theory: Norse Creation Theory Category: spoof Current: yes Updated: 26-Apr-93 14:48:35 More Info: Trygve Lode Description: The basics of NCT are quite simple and intuitive--it states that the world as we see it is made up of the fragments of the dead giant Ymir; his blood forms the oceans, his shattered bones form the mountains and rocks, the top of his skull forms the sky above, and clouds are nothing more mysterious than levitating fragments of Ymir's brain. This theory makes several testable predictions--for example, it predicts that the chemistry of seawater should be similar to that of blood and, indeed, that's just what we find: the salinity of seawater is similar to that of human blood. Now, there are some minor differences (human blood, when compared to seawater, is surprisingly deficient in porpoises) but it should be noted in this context that Ymir was a supernatural being--and quite a large one, for that matter--and could have anything in his blood that he liked. (After all, would you argue about blood chemistry with a giant large enough that the top of his head could form the earth?) NCT makes several more strong predictions including that the sky is composed of a solid layer of bone and that the levitating brain fragments we call "clouds" ought to be starting to go bad about now (a phenomenon that has so far been observed only in L.A. and parts of New Jersey--but then, who knows what the freshness date would be for the supernatural equivalent of head cheese?). On the surface, it might seem that these predictions are not entirely supported by meteorological evidence. However, more recent revisions of NCT have resolved these apparent contradictions by hypothesizing that one of the reasons that fire giants are so rarely observed anymore is that, centuries ago, they decided to disguise themselves as humans, at first taking on jobs in blacksmithing and other forms of metalworking (as befits their temperment), then parlaying their secret stranglehold on metalsmithing into a world-wide cartel of metalurgical production and refinement that has become the most powerful secret society in the world. This organization of undercover fire giants, known as "The Aluminati," is so powerful that it can exert its influence over scientific circles worldwide, suppressing knowlege of the true nature of the universe for their own nefarious ends. However, as with all other creation theories, the most effective way to prove its accuracy is to mention it briefly and then go on to prove that evolution or abiogenesis never occured. Though I believe I've already gone slightly beyond what would normally be called "a brief mention," proving that abiogenesis never occured is exactly what I'm about to do. As has been pointed out earlier, the probability of abiogenesis (p) is bounded 0 <= p <= 1. Therefore, we can safely conclude that the greatest possible probability of abiogenesis is 1. So, beginning with this "best case scenario" for abiogenesis, we know 1) p = 1 premise 2) p^2 = 1*p multiply both sides by p 3) p^2 - 1 = 1*p - 1 subtract 1 from both sides 4) (p + 1)(p - 1) = 1(p - 1) factor 5) p + 1 = 1 apply 2nd law of thermodynamics 6) p = 0 conclusion Thus, even in our "best case scenario" where we assume the probability of abiogenesis occuring is 100%, we find that the probability of abiogenesis is actually zero. Proof positive that the earth was created by Odin whacking the hell out of the giant Ymir. +++++ Theory: Reduced Felt Effect Category: spoof Current: no Updated: 11-May-93 8:04:11 More Info: Description: [this is just a one liner, but it's too good to leave out] God built the world out of recycled pool table cloth that He bought on sale. This is known as the Reduced Felt Effect. +++++ Theory: UFO Crap Category: spoof Current: yes Updated: 7-May-93 More Info: (Bill Conner) Description: LLOYD BAKER ( wrote: : I would like to know how strong is the argument for life originating : somewhere besides earth and being transported here (none of this UFO crap, : please). I know that comets have been found to carry amino acids and other : forms of basic componenets for life, but what are the arguments for and : against this hypothesis? Lloyd, I'm afraid that UFO crap is exactly the origin you seek. In his book, "The Interstellar Origins of Life", Brookings Mathaweld of Karlsbad Polytechnic, states, " ... The existence of the red-shift in that part of space is significant since the shift is in that part of the spectra that exactly matches what has been observed in the urea common of higher primates." and later, " ...Solids found in that portion of their orbits (Mars and Earth) that intersect the plane of Xylantaphenes, are found to contain all the chemical elements known to compose human excreta, including the unmistakable gaseous effusions of E. Coli Oragonensis." I also found a referrence from H.K. Grimwwalt who is the foremost authority on Extra-Terestrial digestive processes, "There can be no doubt that what we commonly refer as Asteroids are in fact, large accretions of organic waste. These organic solids can only have attained their present size if added to periodically over a long period of time" (The Living Asteroids, Viking Press, 1974) J. Arthur Fredricks, Professor Emeritus, Picante' Observatory, El Paso, Tx., writing in the "Journal Of Galactic Septic Systems" (June, 1983), said, "While I disagree with Grimwalt's conclusions about the Asteroids being inherently solid (The evidence suggest that these bodies are actually large reservoirs of liquid waste frozen solid. Their opacity being due to the refractivity of the salts contained therein), I must concur that this region of the solar system has indeed been the toilet of the galaxy for at least 30 million years" I guess that life on our planet may have an origin none of us would have suspected if not for the pioneering work of these and others in the emerging science of Galactic Organic Gneiss Formation. Don't feel surprised that you haven't heard of these studies; they have some rather profound philosophical ramifications which makes it a field of study rarely discussed in polite society. If you'd like more information on this, you can probably get the referrence material cited above at any good library (usally filed in the Mayan Calendar Art section). I can also suggest, "We Are What THEY Ate", by Dorothea Emesis-Nahja (Trendy Publishing, 1991). +++++ Theory: UFO Crap Category: Serious Current: yes Updated: 7-May-93 More Info: xxxxx Description: courtesy of (Richard Harter) Francis Crick made some rather cogent arguments for life seeding, and I wouldn't call them "crap". Briefly the argument runs as follows: [1] It is not known how life originated on Earth. [2] It is not known if the conditions on pre-biotic Earth were favorable for abiogenesis. [3] On the principle of mediocrity it is likely that there are other places in which the conditions for abiogenesis were much more favorable. [4] Earth is a late comer on the Galactic scene by billions of years. Life and technological civilizations probably long preceded us. [5] Interstellar travel on any signifigant scale is not feasible. (Known physics and Fermi's paradox argue for this.) [6] Interstellar launching of low payload rockets is feasible. [7] The cheapest payload with the highest impact is prokaryotes in hibernation (not the right term). It's not a crackpot notion and it may be right. The trouble with it as a scientific hypothesis is that there is no evident way to remove it from being mere speculation. +++++ Theory: Uranus Myth Category: spoof Current: no Updated: 26-Apr-93 14:53:10 More Info: Kurt vonRoeschlaub Description: Okay, the Uranus Myth is, of course, a spoof. It was inspired when I was describing Ted to my officemate: "And so," I concluded, "Ted says that the Earth must have orbited Saturn." "That's rediculous!" he exclaimed. "I know." "The evidence clearly points toward Uranus." Well, the main supporting evidence is three tiered: 1) The ancient greeks must have known about Uranus (and it's moons!) or how could they have known to name a god after it? Clearly, then, the Earth must have been close enough to see those moons, which only happens in orbit. 2) The reduced felt effect of gravity is not caused by tides, but because the Earth was not in a free-fall orbit. Due to the electromagnetic repulsion of Uranus, since it is a superconductor, the Earth was able to occupy a lower orbit than gravity alone would dictate while still being in a stable orbit. I can prove this works to anyone with a magnet, high-temperature superconductor, and some liquid nitrogen. 3) I have absolute proof in the form of documents: to anyone who wants a copy I will fax a piece of paper with "The Uranus myth is okay with me" written on it, signed by me as authentication. In special cases I will sign it with somebody elses name to prove that I have the support of famous people. (This was in response to a request for references)


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