To: All Msg #116, Feb1593 10:41AM Subject: New Theory Exposes Great Satanic Scientic Consp

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From: Thomas Galen Ault To: All Msg #116, Feb-15-93 10:41AM Subject: New Theory Exposes Great Satanic Scientic Conspiracy and Denie Organization: School of Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon From: tomault+@cs.cmu.edu (Thomas Galen Ault) Message-ID: Newsgroups: talk.origins In the interests of furthering Truth and saving the souls of all who might fall victim to the dread forces of Evilution, I present a dramatic new theory of the nature of the universe which provides conclusive proof that God exists, Evilution is a lie, and the Bible is literally true in every detail. Without further aideu, I present SPAM THEORY Evilutionist scientists have long since held that matter cannot be created or destroyed but may only change form. While this is emenently true for mortal man, scientists have not been able to explain _why_ this is so. Actually, science has known for years now why this principle exists but have engaged in a giant Satan-inspired cover-up because the logical implications of this explaination would deny that most-prized of all scientific beliefs -- Evilution. To come right to the point: The reason that nothing in the universe can be created or destroyed by mortal agency is simply that all matter is made of Spam. Unlike other theories, this one is empiracally verifiable. It can be shown that it is impossible to destroy any form of matter. No matter (pun intended) what one does, careful measurements show one always winds up with as much matter as one started with. Spam can likewise be shown to be indestructible. Therefore, it follows that all matter is derrived in some form or another from Spam. To show that Spam is indestructible, one need only go down into one of those Army bomb shelters built in the late 40's and remove some of the canned goods. Open any can. Inside the Spam cans, one will find that the product inside is as fresh and delicious as the day it was first canned. Inside of any other can, the product will have long since spoiled. This shows dramatically the stability of Spam over the ages. Furthermore, experiments run daily in every kitchen in the world show the indestructibility of Spam. No matter how one slices, fries, boils or bakes it, it still comes out Spam. Some claim that when Spam is injested, it is metabolized by the body. This is a lie of the Great Satan-Inspiried Scientific Conspiracy. In actuality, the Spam one consume undergoes an essence exchange with the Spam-ness of the consumer's body. The Spam thus permiates the entirety of one's being, replacing the Spam essences lost through normal elimination of bodily wastes. Since the Spam has, in fact, retained its same form, it cannot be said to have been destroyed in any fashion. One of the Great Satan-Inspired Scientific Conspiracy's (referred to hereafter as the GSISC) "objections" to Spam Theory is that various materials can be analyzed and found to contain no Spam. Putting aside the basic untrustworthiness of the GSISC, this objection is obviously the product of fools untrained in the true scientific methode. Quite simply, the indestructibility of matter comes not from it's physical constituency of Spam, but it's participation in the Essence of the One True Spam. Plato wrote of the existence of a realm of perfect forms, wherein each form was the perfect example of some instance of matter. For example, existing within the realm of Forms is the perfect chair. All things that exist in the universe, according to Plato, derrive their properties from participation in one of these forms. Well, being the pagan scum that he was, Plato was wrong. There are not many forms, but one form -- that of the One True Spam, and all things in the universe must gain their properties from it. Thus, since the One True Spam has indestructibility as one of its properties (this can be shown to follow from the fact that all Spam is indestructible. Since Spam is the perfect rendition of the One True Spam in the mortal plane, it can be concluded that the One True Spam must share the properties of mortal Spam.), all matter is indestructible. It is only differences in the degree of participation in the form of the One True Spam that bring about the different kinds of matter. Mortal Spam (the Spam that manifests itself in the universe) participates perfectly in the essence of the One True Spam. All other forms of matter participate less perfectly. Another Evilutionist objection to Spam Theory is that while matter cannot be created or destroyed by mortal agency, it can be transformed into energy, and energy is quite obviously not an instance of Spam. While the first point is true, the second is a bald-face, devil-spawned lie. There exists an energy-form of Spam, called Kinetic Spam, from which all forms of energy are derrived. The basic unit of Kinetic Spam is the Spamton, and all energy exchanges are performed using this unit. The existence of Kinetic Spam can be verified empirically by setting a block of Spam in motion and taking careful measurements. The existence of a creator God follows directly from the existence of Spam. Quite simply, since Spam is indestructible, it cannot be manufactured by any mortal agency any more than any kind of matter can. Yet the supply of Spam seems to be ever-increasing. Thus, some non-mortal agency must be manufacturing all that Spam. Furthermore, the form of the One True Spam had to come from somewhere, and as It is so perfect, only a perfect Being could create It. In addition, since the One Great Spam is so all-encompassing, only an Omnipotent being could have created it. Since we are allowed to participate in the perfection of the One Great Spam, it is obvious that the Creator cares very much for us. These attributes -- Perfect, Omnipotent, Caring -- describe perfectly the Christian concept of God. Therefore, it must be concluded that God exists. Furthermore, the existence of Spam denies Evilution. Quite simply, living beings are invested with not only a Spam-essence that befits all matter, but also an animus that gives them life. This animus is linked tightly to the particular Spam-ness of the material form, and any significant change, as would be required by Evilution, results in the separation of the animus from the material body, a condition known to the layman as death. In addition, animus-Spam pairs can only beget other animus-Spam pairs of the same kind, as thousands of years of human history can testify. Thus, in order for Evilution to have occurred, say from ape to human, a significant change would have to have occurred, resulting in the death of any newborn not of the same kind as the parent. Since we are alive today, Evilution is a logical and scientific impossibility. Since Spam theory both implies the existence of God and denies the possiblity of Evilution, it follows from both of these that the Bible is literally true. Any attempt to deny this conclusion is obviously the work of Satan and marks the objector as one of his infernal tools. As an ending note, Spam Theory also has a hand in explaining the existence of sauropods. Quite simply, as Mr. Holden has amply shown, giant dinosaurs could not have walked the earth under current conditions. The felt effect of gravity must have been less. Furthermore, such enormous beasts would have had equally enormous Spam-essence requirements for survival. The solution is that, in the past before the Flood, the Earth did not orbit the sun, but in fact orbited a giant glowing ball of Spam, as did the Sun and all the planets. This resulted in the felt effect of gravity on the Earth being less, and allowed the sauropods to exist. Furthermore, giant chunks of spam would break off and fall to earth to supply the Spam-needs of the sauropods. One is, of course, tempted to ask what became of this giant Spam-sun. Quite simply, it was converted to water durring the Great Flood by Divine agency. After all, only a huge source of Spam could supply the Spam-ness requirements of the water used to make the Great Deluge. Not all of the Spam was used, however. Some was saved by God until later, and then mistakenly identified by the Israilites as "Manna" when they were in the desert during the Exodus event. Tom Ault Mad Roboticist in Training

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