To: All Msg #57, Oct2993 06:00AM Subject: Re: Attention Chris! Attention Chris! Ok here co
From: Chris Heiny
To: All Msg #57, Oct-29-93 06:00AM
Subject: Re: Attention Chris! Attention Chris!
Organization: Xerox Corporation, Webster NY
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Chris Heiny)
Ok here comes a semi serious attempt at a beer cladogram. The early
beer history is from memory, and may be somewhat faulty. The later
branchings are intended for recreational purposes only.
Note that adaptations such as lagering were developed in several
clades independently. Attributes such as lagering, degree
of filtration, color, and so on are not useful in cladistics for
this reason. Similarly, a line may divide to occupy stout/beer/
ale/porter/etc niches, but in general this development is not
useful for cladistics either, since it occurs frequently in many
(c)------> mead to present
(d)-----> southern european beers to present
(e)-----> many German beers, some microbrewery beers to present
(f)-----> "Old World Beer" to present
(g)------> "New World Beer" to present
(h)------> Dry beer to present
+-------> Light beer to present
(a) Ancient Tigris/Euphrates beers develop from ancestoral water
at some unknown point, pre 4000BC. Egyptian beer diverges prior
to 3000 BC. In a remarkable case of parallel evolution,
Egyptian beers develop to be more like modern beer than
the Mesopotamian root stock.
(b) European beers diverge prior to about 2000 BC, Mesopotamian
beers eventually go extinct (prior to AD 1000).
(c) European beers diverge into mead-type drinks (relying on
varying degrees of fruit and or honey) and grain
based beers about 500 BC
(d) Southern european beers diverge around 1000 AD. These are
those light, limp-wristed beers from Greece, France
Spain and other such Mediterranean places. These beers
have also populated North Africa.
(e) Reinheitsgebot c. 1400 AD Beers characterized by severely
restricted ingredient lists and proportions.
(f) Old World Beer/New World Beer divergence. Characterized by
yummy flavor (usually), nice color and interesting labels, OWBs
are not restricted to the Old World, but many, if not
most, are from Northern European traditional breweries.
Recently OWBs have experienced a major North American
radiation. It is possible to find a bad, even awful
OWB, but the truly dismal beers are found in the New
World Beers and their descendants.
Similarly, NWBs are not restricted to the New World, being
found in virtually all parts of the globe. They are
most prominent in North America and Australia, and
significant in Europe as well. Sometimes referred to
as 'Millbudcoors', NWBs are characterized (if you can
call it that) by a homogenously bland flavor and texture
regardless of the species, niche, color, attributes, or
label. It is thought that this is a protective adaptation
of some sort, perhaps to prevent the average beerivore
from actively avoiding the beer [beer is unusual in that
it must actively attempt to attract beer predators (known
as beerivores) in order to succeed - the more predators that
consume a given beer (and the more beers consumed by a given
predator), the more successful that beer is considered to
be]. NWBs reached a maximum diversity in North America
in the late 1800s and again near 1940. Since then
although diversity has declined dramatically, the
remaining NWB types still dominate the local beer fauna.
NWBs do not occupy the heavier (porter/stout) niches very
often, but when they do the result is uniformly dismal.
NWBs and their offspring are characterized by a unique
protective coloration in their advertising, which is designed
(by inclusion of bikini clad women, aging athletes and
various adventure references) to convince beerivores that
the NWB in question not only has a unique flavor, but that
drinking said NWB will result in dramatic lifestyle changes
(in addition to the usual morning after beer farts).
(g) Light beer diverges from NWB c 1970. Light beer is an amazing
development of NWB. It enhances almost all aspects of
NWB to extremes. Some LBs come close to the ancestral
water condition. Light beer and dry beer are never found
in the porter/stout niche.
(h) Dry beer, c 1985. Perhaps the ultimate in NWBs, Dry Beer has evolved
to have no taste whatever.
(i) Zima 1993. Beer cladists have been unable to classify Zima, probably
because their research notes are covered with vomit shortly
after any taste testing is attempted.
From: Chris Nedin
To: All Msg #116, Oct-31-93 04:59PM
Subject: Re: Irrevalent Beer Thread (was Re: Attention Chris! Attentio
Organization: Geology & Geophysics, Adelaide University
Subject: Re: Irrevalent Beer Thread (was Re: Attention Chris! Attention Chris!
From: email@example.com (Chris Nedin)
> Scott H Mullins (firstname.lastname@example.org) wrote:
> : And ANOTHER thing! What are the odds that the number of bottles in a
> : six-pack would evolve to exactly FILL the carton?!!!! HAH! chew on that
> : you atheo-commie-tri-lateralist scumbucket! I'll bet you drink
> : Budweiser and enjoy it!
Simple. What is happening here is an amazing act of symbiosis. The carton
is a symbiont on the beer bottles. They appear to be fully functional only
on full beer bottles. They have evolved to fit exactly around 6 bottle, so
exactly in fact that it generally requires the destruction of the organism
in order to extract the bottles. In some forms the bottles can be removed
with apparently minimal damage to the covering organism. However something
vital appears to have been lost, since - even if the bottles are replaced
- the enveloping ability is lost.
The reason why 6 beer bottles are covered is simple. It has been shown
statistically that 6 is the optimum number for a group of beer bottles
which optimises safty whilst not bringing undue attention to the group.
In an amazing piece of camouflage, the organism generally takes on the
colleration and markings of the enveloped beer bottles - often just
*before* envelopment takes place. This implications of this are poorly
understood, although rare exceptions have been found. It is thought,
however, that this allows the form to adapt to the external identification
marks of new beer species as they evolve.
There appears to be at least 3 species involved in this symbiosis. One a
symbyont on 6 beer bottles, one a symbiont on 24 beer bottles - this one is
thought to be the ancestral form, and a third - thought to be a separate
genus - which is a symbiont on 12 bottles, however these bottles are the
'giraffe' species of long-necked bottles.
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| South Australia 5005 | Queensland Australia |
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