ALICE'S RESTAURANT, by Arlo Guthrie (1967) 18.5 minutes long Typed by Caleb Ciampaglia All

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ALICE'S RESTAURANT, by Arlo Guthrie (1967) 18.5 minutes long Typed by Caleb Ciampaglia **All spelling and punctuation errors as well as repeated phrases are directly taken from Alice's Restaurant.** This song is called Alice's Restaurant, Its about Alice, And the Restaurant. But Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the Restaurant, That's just the name of the song, That's why I call the song, Alice's Restaurant. [CHORUS] You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant. You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant. Walk right in, It's around the back. Just a half a mile from the railroad track. You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant. Now it all started two Thanksgivin's ago, It's on two years ago on Thanksgivin'. When my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the Restaurant, But Alice doesn't live in the Restaurant, She lives in the church nearby the Restaurant, In the Bell Tower, With her husband Ray and Fatcho the Dog. And livin' in the Bell Tower like that, They got a lot of room downstairs, Where the pews used to been. Havin' all that room seein' as how they took out all the pews, They decided that they didn't have to take out their garbage for a long time. We got up there, we found all the garbage in there, And we decided it'd be a friendly gesture for us to take the garbage Down to the city dump. So we took the half a ton of garbage, Put it in the back of a red VW Microbus, Took shovels and rakes and implements of destruction, And headed on towards the city dump. Well, we got there, And there is a big sign and a chain across the dump, Sayin', "Closed on Thanksgivin'." And we have never heard of a dump closed on Thanksgivin' before, And with tears in our eyes, We drove off into the sunset, Lookin' for another place to put the garbage. We didn't find one, Till we came to a side road and off the side of the side road, Was another fifteen foot cliff, And at the bottom of the cliff was another pile of garbage. And we decided that one big pile was better than two little piles, And rather than bring that one up, We decided to throw ours down. That's what we did. And drove back to the church, Had a Thanksgivin' dinner that couldn't be beat, Went to sleep, And didn't get up until the next mornin', When we got a phone call from Officer Obie. He said, "Keid, We found your name on an envelope on the bottom of half a ton of garbage, And just wanted to know if you had any information about it." And I said, "Yes sir, Officer Obie, I cannot tell a lie, I put that envelope under that garbage." After speakin' to Obie for about forty-five minutes on the telephone, We finally arrived at the truth of the matter, And said that we had to go down and pick up the garbage, And also go down and speak to him at the police officer station. So we got in the red VW Microbus, With the shovels and rakes and implements of destruction, And headed on toward the police officer station. Now friends, there was only one of two things that Obie could have done at the police station, And the first was that he could give us a metal for bein' so brave and honest on the telephone, Which wasn't very likely and we didn't expect it, And the other thing was that he could've balled us out, And told us never to be seen drivin' garbage around this vicinity again, Which is what we expected. But when we got to the police officer station, There was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon, And we's was both immediately arrested and handcuffed, And I said, "Obie, I don't think I can pick up the garbage, With these handcuffs on." He said, "Shut-up, Keid. Get in the back of the petrol car." And that's what we did, We sat in the back of the petrol car, And drove to the quote, "scene of the crime," unquote. I want to tell you about the town of Stockbridge, Massachusetts, Where this happened here, They got: three stop signs, two police officers, and one police car, But when we got to the "scene of the crime," There was: five police officers, and three police cars, Bein' the biggest crime of the last fifty years, And everybody wanted to get in a newspaper story about it, And they was usin' up all kinds of cop equipment that they had hangin' around, the police officer station. They was takin': plaster tire tracks, foot prints, dog smellin' prints, And they took: twenty-seven, eight by ten, color, glossy photographs, With circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, Explainin' what each one was, To be used as evidence against us. They took pictures of: The approach, the get-a-way, the north-west corner, the south-west corner, And that's not to mention the areal photography. After the ordeal, We went back to the jail, Obie said he was goin' to put us in the cell. He said, "Keid, I'm goin' to put ya' in the cell, I want your wallet and your belt." And I said, "Obie, I can understand you wantin' my wallet, So I don't have any money to spend in the cell, But what'd you want my belt for?" And he said, "Keid, We don't want any hangin's." I said, "Obie, did you think I was goin' to hang myself for litterin'?" Obie said he was makin' sure, And friends, Obie was 'cause he took out the toilet seat, So I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown. And he took out the toilet paper so I couldn't bend the bars, roll out, Roll the toilet paper out the window, slide down the roll and have an escape. Obie was makin' sure, and it was about four or five hours later, that Alice, Remember Alice? This is a song about Alice. Alice came by, and with a few nasty words to Obie on the side, Bailed us out of jail, And we went back to the church, Had another Thanksgivin' dinner that couldn't be beat, And didn't get up till the next mornin', When we all had to go to court. We walked in, sat down, Obie came in with the twenty-seven, eight by ten, color, glossy pictures, With circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, And sat down. A man came in and said, "All rise," We all stood up, And Obie stood up with the twenty-seven, eight by ten, color, glossy pictures, And the judge walked in, sat down with his seein'-eye-dog, And he sat down. We sat down. Obie looked at the seein'-eye-dog. Then at the twenty-seven, eight by ten, color, glossy pictures, With circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, And looked at the seein'-eye-dog. And then at the twenty-seven, eight by ten, color, glossy pictures, With circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, And began to cry, 'Cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American blind justice, And there was a nothin' he could do about it. And the judge wasn't goin' to look at the twenty-seven, eight by ten, color, glossy pictures, With circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, Explainin' what each one was, To be used as evidence against us. And we was fined fifty dollars, And had to pick up the garbage in the snow, But that's not what I came to tell you about. Came to talk about the draft. You got a buildin' down in New York City, It's called Whitehall Street, Where you walk in, And you get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected, And things like that. I went down to get my physical examination, one day, And I walked in and sat down, Got good and drunk the night before, So I looked and felt my best when I went in that mornin'. 'Cause I wanted to look like the all American keid from New York City, I mean I wanted, I wanted to feel like I, I wanted to be the all American keid from New York, And I walked in, sat down, I was hung down, brung down, hung up, and kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things, And I walked in, I sat down, They gave me a piece of paper that said, "Keid, see the psychiatrist, room 604." And I went up there. I said, "Shrink, I wanna kill. I mean I want, I wanna kill. Kill. I want, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead, burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, Kill, Kill." And I started jumpin' up and down and yellin', "Kill, Kill." And he started jumpin' up and down with me, And we was both jumpin' up and down, yellin', "Kill, Kill." And the sargeant came over pinned a mittle, sent me down the hall, and said, "You're our boy." I didn't feel to good about it. Proceeded on down the hall gettin' more: Injections, inspections, detections, neglections, and all kinds of stuff, That they was doin' to me at the thing there. And I was there for two hours, Three hours, Four hours, I was there for a long time goin' through all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly things. And I was just havin' a tough time, there. And, they were inspectin', injectin' every single part of me, And they was leavin' no part untouched. Proceeded through and I. When finally came to see the very last man. I walked in, walked in sat down after a whole big thing there, And I walked up and said, "What'd you want?" He said, "Keid, we only got one question. Have you ever been arrested?" And I proceeded to tell him the story of Alice's Restaurant Massacre, With full orchestration, and five part harmony, and stuff like that. And then all the phenomena. "Stop it right there," he said, "Keid, did you ever go to court?" I proceeded to tell him the story of the twenty-seven, eight by ten, color, glossy pictures, With the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one. He said, "Stop it right there," and said, "Keid, I want you to go over and sit down on that bench that says Group W. Now, Keid!" And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there. And there was, is Group W where they, where they put ya', If you may not be moral enough to join the army, After committin' your special crime. There was all kinds of mean, nasty, ugly lookin' people on the bench. There is mother-rapers, father-stabers, father-rapers. Father-rapers sittin' right there on the bench next to me. And one, it was: Mean and nasty and ugly and horrible And crime-fightin'-guys sittin' there on the bench. And the meanest, ugliest, nastiest one, The meanest father-raper of them all, Was commin' over to me. And he was mean, and ugly, and nasty, and horrible, and all kinds of things, And sat down next to me and said, "Keid, what'd ya' get?" I said, "I didn't get nothing, I had to pay fifty dollars and pick up the garbage." He said,"What were you arrested for, Keid?" And I said, "Litterin'," And they all moved away from me on the bench, there, And the hairy eyeball, and all kinds of mean nasty things. Till I said, "And creatin' a nuisance." And they all came back, shook my hand, And we had a great time on the bench, Talkin' about crime of the stem, father-rapin' And all kinds of groovy things that we was talkin' about on the bench. And everything was fine, we was smokin' cigarettes, And all kinds of things, Until the sargeant came over, had some paper in his hand, Held it up and said, "Keids, This piece of paper's got: Forty-seven words, thirty-seven sentences, fifty-eight words, we want to know: Details of the crime, time, everything you got to say pertainin' to and about the crime, the arrestin' s officer's name, and every kind of thing you got to say,.." He talked for forty-five minutes and nobody understood a word that he said, But we had fun fillin' out the forms and playin' with the pencils on the bench, There, I filled out the massacre, with the four part harmony. And wrote it down there, just like it was. And everything was fine and I put down the pencil, And I turned over the piece of paper, and, And there, and there on the other side, In the middle of the other side, Away from anything else on the other side, In parentheses, Capital letters, Quotated, Read the followin' words: "Keid, have you rehabilitated yourself?" I went over to the sargeant and said, "Sergeant, you've got a lot a damn gaul to ask me if I've rehabilitated myself, I mean, I mean, I mean, just I'm sittin' here on the bench, I mean I'm sittin' here on the Group W bench. 'Cause you want to know if I'm moral enough to join the army, Burn women, keids, houses, and villages, after bein' a litter-bug?" He looked at me and said, "Keid, we don't like your kind. We're goin' to send your fingerprints off to Washington." And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, Is a study in black and white of my fingerprints. And the only reason I'm singin' you this song now, Is 'cause you may know somebody in a similar situation. Or you may be in a similar situation, And if you're in a situation like that, There is only thing you can do, Is walk into the shrink where ever you are. Just walk in, say, "Shrink, You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant." And walk out. You know, if one person, just one person does it, They may think he's really sick and they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony, They'll think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them. And if three people do it, Three, can you imagine three people walkin' in singin' about Alice's Restaurant, And walkin' out. They may think it's an organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day, I said fifty people a day, Walkin' in about Alice's Restaurant and walkin' out. And friends, they may think it's a movement. And that's what it is, the Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacree Movement. And all you got to do to join is to sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar. With feelin'. So, we'll wait till it comes around on the guitar, here, And sing it when it does. Here it comes, {GUTHRIE and AUDIENCE SING CHORUS} That was horrible. Wanna end war and stuff, you gotta sing loud. You could put a lot, I've been singin' this song for twenty-five minutes. I could sing it for another twenty-five minutes. I'm not proud, or tired. So, well wait until it comes around again. This time with four part harmony and feelin'. We're just waitin' for it to come around, is what were doin'. All right now, You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant. Exceptin' Alice! You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant. Walk right in, It's around the back. Just a half a mile from the railroad track. You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant. Dadadadadadadadam. At Alice's Restaurant! {CLAPPIN'}

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