MMan [JC], SShopkeeper [MP], GHarry [GC] Caption A PET SHOP SOMEWHERE NEAR MELTON MOWBRAY

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M=Man [JC], S=Shopkeeper [MP], G=Harry [GC] Caption: A PET SHOP SOMEWHERE NEAR MELTON MOWBRAY M Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat. S Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. [indicates a box on the counter] M no, I want a cat really. S [taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if it is a different box] Oh yeah, how about that? M [looking in box] No, that's the terrier. S Well, it's as near as dammit. M Well what do you mean? I want a cat. S Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussy cat. M Its not a proper cat. S What do you mean? M Well it wouldn't miaow. S Well it would howl a bit. M No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot? S No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll tell you what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on and staple on a beak of your own choice. [taking small box and rattling it] No problem. Lovely parrot. M how long would that take? S Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... [calling] Harry ... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away? H [off-screen] No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then I got the frogs to let out. S Friday? M No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present. S Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ... M You'd need a very big tank. S It's a great conversation piece. M Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch.

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