MMan [JC], SShopkeeper [MP], GHarry [GC] Caption A PET SHOP SOMEWHERE NEAR MELTON MOWBRAY
M=Man [JC], S=Shopkeeper [MP], G=Harry [GC]
Caption: A PET SHOP SOMEWHERE NEAR MELTON MOWBRAY
M Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.
S Certainly sir. I've got a lovely terrier. [indicates a box on the counter]
M no, I want a cat really.
S [taking box off counter and then putting it back on counter as if it is a
different box] Oh yeah, how about that?
M [looking in box] No, that's the terrier.
S Well, it's as near as dammit.
M Well what do you mean? I want a cat.
S Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its snout out,
stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussy cat.
M Its not a proper cat.
S What do you mean?
M Well it wouldn't miaow.
S Well it would howl a bit.
M No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?
S No, I'm afraid not actually guv, we're fresh out of parrots. I'll tell you
what though ... I'll lop its back legs off, make good, strip the fur, stick a
couple of wings on and staple on a beak of your own choice. [taking small box
and rattling it] No problem. Lovely parrot.
M how long would that take?
S Oh, let me see ... er, stripping the fur off, no legs ... [calling] Harry
... can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?
H [off-screen] No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then I got
the frogs to let out.
M No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.
S Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you what
though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you
straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of
its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ...
M You'd need a very big tank.
S It's a great conversation piece.
M Yes, all right, all right ... but, er, only if I can watch.
E-Mail Fredric L. Rice / The Skeptic Tank