**** The Stoning scene from "Monty Python's Life of Brian" ****
**** Transcribed 4/29/86 by Dwayne A. X. E. E. ( CS107124@YUSOL ) ****
(The Stoning Place. A Jewish OFFICIAL stands there, with some helpers,
confronting the potential stonee, MATTHIAS. A large crowd watches. 90% are
women in beards. Around the perimeter are a few Roman troops.)
Official: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath ...
Matthias: (to Official's Helper): Do I say "Yes"?
Official's Helper: Yes.
Official: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the
name of our Lord and so as a blasphemer you are to be stoned to
Matthias: Look, I'd had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, "That
Official: Blasphemy! He's said it again.
Women: Yes, he did.
Official: Did you hear him?
Women: Yes we did. Really.
Official: (suspiciously) Are there any women here today?
(The women all shake their heads. The Official faces Matthias again.)
Official: Very well, by virtue of the authority vested in me ...
(One of the women throws a stone and it hits Matthias on the knee.)
Matthias: Ow. Lay off. We haven't started yet.
Official: (turning around) Come on, who threw that?
Who threw that stone? Come on.
Women: (pointing to the culprit, keeping their voices as low in pitch as
Culprit: (very deep voice) Sorry, I thought we'd started.
Official: Go to the back.
Culprit: Oh dear.
(disappointedly goes to back)
Official: There's always one, isn't there? Now, where were we? ...
Matthias: Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying
(Sensation!!!! The women gasp.)
Women: (high voices) He said it again.
(low voices) He said it again.
Official: (to Matthias) You're only making it worse for yourself.
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah.
Official: I'm warning you. If you say "Jehovah" once more ...
(He gasps at his error and claps his hand over his mouth. A stone
hits him on the side of the head. He reacts.)
Right! Who threw that?
Women: (high voices)
It was her.
It was *him*.
It was him.
Official: Was it you?
Official: All right.
Culprit: Well, you did say "Jehovah."
(The women all shriek and throw stones at her from very close range. She falls
to the ground stunned. Quick cut of Romans reacting. They shake their heads
and mutter to each other.)
Official: Stop that. Stop it, will you stop that. Now look, no one is to
stone anyone until I blow this whistle. *Even*...and I want to
make this absolutely clear...*even* if they *do* say "Jehovah."
(There is a pause. Then all the women throw stones at the Official and he
goes down in a heap. Five women carry a huge rock, run up and drop it on the
Official. Everyone claps. The guards sadly shake their heads.)
***** Here endeth Part Four of Life of Brian (of Nazareth) *****
***** Please send your comments, praise, complaints or *****
***** copyright infringement lawsuits to ... *****
***** Dwayne A. X. E. E. () *****