@ALBUM Monty Python Sings @SONG Always Look on the Bright Side of Life Some things in life

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@ALBUM Monty Python Sings @SONG: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life Some things in life are bad, They can really make you mad, Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best. And.... Always look on the bright side of life, (whistle) Always look on the bright side of life, (whistle) If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps. Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing. And... Always look on the bright side of life. (whistle) Come on... Always look on the bright side of life... For life is quite absurd, And death's the final word, You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin, Give the audience a grin, Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow. So always look on the bright side of death, Just before you draw your terminal breath, Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it, Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true. You'll see it's all a show, Keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And always look on the bright side of life, Always look on the right side of life, Come on guys, cheer up. Always look on the bright side of life. Worse things happen at sea, you know. Always look on the bright side of life. I mean - what have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing! (fade...) @SONG: Sit On My Face Sit on my face and tell me that you love me, I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too. I love to hear you o-ra-lise When I'm between your thighs, You blow me awaaay. Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you, I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly. Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine, If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play 'Till we're blown awaaaaaaaay. @SONG: Lumberjack Song I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day. Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping And have buttered scones for tea. Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, He goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shopping And has buttered scones for tea. Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars. Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing, And hangs around in bars. Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspendies and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear pappa. Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels? Suspendies...and a bra? ...he's a lumberjack and he's okay, He sleeps all night and he works all day. ...he's a lumberjack and he's OKAAAAAAAAAAYYY. He sleeps all night and he works all day. @SONG: Penis Song (The Not Noel Coward Song) GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE'S A LITTLE NUMBER I TOSSED OFF RECENTLY IN THE CARIBBEAN. Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis, Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong. It's swell to have a stiffy, It's divine to own a dick. From the tiniest little tadger, To the world's biggest prick. So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas. Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake. Your piece of pork, Your wife's best friend, Your Percy or your cock. You can wrap it up in ribbons, You can slip it in your sock. But don't take it out in public Or they will stick you in the dock, And you won't come back. @SONG: Oliver Cromwell SPOKEN: THE MOST INTERESTING THING ABOUT KING CHARLES I IS THAT HE WAS 5'6" TALL AT THE START OF HIS REIGN, BUT ONLY 4'8" AT THE END OF IT... BECAUSE OF... Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protecteur of England PURITAN Born in 1599 and died in 1658 SEPTEMBER Was at first ONLY MP for Huntingdon BUT THEN He led the Ironside Cavalry at Marston Moor in 1644 and won. Then he founded the new model model army And praise be, beat the Cavaliers at Naisby And the King fled up North like a bat to the Scots. SPOKEN: BUT UNDER THE TERMS OF JOHN PIMM'S SOLEMN LEAGUE AND COVENANT, THE SCOTS HANDED KING CHARLES I OVER TO... Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protecteur of England AND HIS WARTS Born in 1599 and died in 1658 SEPTEMBER But alas OY VAY! Disagreement then broke out BETWEEN The Presbyterian Parliament and the Military who meant To have an independent bent. And so... The 2nd Civil War broke out And the Roundhead ranks Faced the Cavaliers at Preston Banks And the King lost again, silly thing STUPID GIT SPOKEN: AND CROMWELL SEND COLONEL PRIDE TO PURGE THE HOUSE OF COMMONS OF THE PRESBYTERIAN ROYALISTS LEAVING BEHIND ONLY THE RUMP PARLIAMENT... Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall To indict Charles I for...tyranny OOOOHHH! Charles was sentenced to death Even though he refused to accept that the court had...jurisdiction SAY GOODBYE TO HIS HEAD Poor King Charles laid his head on the block JANUARY 1649 Down came the axe, and... SPOKEN: IN THE SILENCE THAT FOLLOWED, THE ONLY SOUND THAT COULD BE HEARD WAS A SOLITARY GIGGLE, FROM... Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protecteur of England OLE Born in 1599 and died in 1658 SEPTEMBER Then he smashed IRELAND Set up the Commonwealth AND MORE He crushed the Scots at Worcester And beat the Dutch at sea In 1653 and then He dissolved the Rump Parliament And with Lambert's consent Wrote the instrument of Government Under which Oliver was Proctector at last The end. @SONG: The Money Song I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas, I've got forty thousand french francs in my fridge. I've got lost of lovely lire, Now the Deutschemark's getting dearer, And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge. Chorus: There is nothing quite as wonderful as money, There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash. Some people say it's folly, But I'd rather have the lolly, With money you can ma-ake a splash. Finale: There is nothing quite wonderful as money, (money,money,money,money) There is nothing like a newly minted pound, (money,money,money,money) All: Everyone must hanker for the butchness of a banker, It's accountancy that makes the world go round. (round,round,round) You can keep your Marxist ways For it's only just a phase. For it's money money money makes the world go round. (money,money,money,money money,money,money,money moneeeeeeeeeeeyyyy) @SONG: Accountancy Shanty It's fun to charter an accountant, And sail the wide accountan-cy. To find, explore the funds offshore, And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy. It can be manly in insurance. We'll up your premium semi-anually. It's all tax-deductible, We're fairly incorruptible. We're sailing on the wide accountan-cy. @SONG: Finland Chorus: Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I want to be, Pony trekking or camping, Or just watching TV. Finland, Finland, Finland, It's the country for me. Verse: You're so near to Russia, So far from Japan. Quite a long way from Cairo, Lots of miles from Vietnam. Chorus: Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I want to be, Eating breakfast or dinner, Or snack lunch in the hall. Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all. Verse: You're so sadly neglected, And often ignored, A poor second to Belgium, When going abroad. Chorus: Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I quite want to be, Your mountains so lofty, Your treetops so tall. Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all. Repeat: Finland, Finland, Finland. The country where I quite want to be, Your mountains so lofty, Your treetops so tall. Finland, Finland, Finland, Finland has it all. Fade: Finland has it all... @SONG: Medical Love Song Inflammation of the foreskin Reminds me of your smile. I've had ballanital chancroids For quite a little while. I gave my heart to NSU That lovely night in June. I ache for you, my darling, And I hope you get well soon. My penile warts, your herpes, My syphilitic sores. Your moenelial infection, How I miss you more and more. Your dobie's itch, my scrumpox, Our lovely gonnorrhea, At least we both were lying, When we said that we were clear. Our syphilitic kisses, Sealed the secret of our tryst. You gave me scrotal pustules, With a quick flick of your wrist. Your trichovaginitis Sent shivers down my spine; I got snail tracks in my anus When your spirochetes met mine. Gonoccocal urethritis, streptococcal ballinitis, meningo myelitis, diplococcal cephalitis, epididimitis, interstitial keratitis, syphilitic choroiditis, and antertior u-ve-i-tis. My clapped out genitalia Is not so bad for me, As the complete and utter failure Every time I try to pee. My doctor says my buboes Are the worst he's ever seen, My scrotum's painted orange And my balls are turning green. My heart is very tender Though my parts are awful raw, You might have been infected But you never were a bore. I'm dying of your love, my love I'm your spirochaetal clown, I've left my body to science But I'm afraid they've turned it down. Gonoccocal urethritis, streptococcal ballinitis, meningo myelitis, diplococcal cephalitis, epididimitis, interstitial keratitis, syphilitic choroiditis, and antertior u-ve-i-tis. @SONG: I'm So Worried I'm so worried about what's happening today, In the Middle East, you know. And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval System they've got at Heathrow. I'm so worried about the fashoins today, I don't think they're good for your feet. And I'm so worried about the shows on TV That sometimes they want to repeat. I'm so worried about what's happening today, In the Middle East, you know. And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval System they've got at Heathrow. I'm so worried about my hair falling out, And the state of the world today. And I'm so worried about being so full of doubt About everything anyway. I'm so worried about modern technology, I'm so worried about all the things That they dump in the sea. I'm so worried about it, worried about it, Worried, worried, worried. I'm so worried about everything that can go wrong. I'm so worried about whether people like this song. I'm so worried about this very next verse, It isn't the best that I've got. And I'm so worried about whether I should go on Or whether I shouldn't just stop. I'm so worried about whether I ought to have stopped. And I'm so worried because it's the sort of thing I ought to know. And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval System they've got at Heathrow. I'm so worried about whether I should have stopped then, I'm so worried that I'm driving everyone round the bend. And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval System they've got at Heathrow. @SONG: Every Sperm Is Sacred Dad: There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists. There are Hindus and Mormons and then, There are those that follow Mohammud, BUT I've never been one of them. I'm a Roman Catholic, And have been since before I was born, And the one thing they say about Catholics Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm. You don't have to be a six footer, You don't have to have a great brain, You don't have to have any clothes on, You're a Catholic the moment Dad came. Because... Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate. Children: Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate. Child: Let the heathen spill theirs On the dusty ground, God shall make them pay for Each sperm that can't be found. Children: Every sperm is wanted, Every sperm is good, Every sperm is needed, In your neighborhood. Mum: Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Spill theirs just anywhere, But God loves those who treat their Semen with more care. Men: Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, Women: If a sperm is wasted, Children: God gets quite irate. Priest: Every sperm is wanted, Br. & Gr: Every sperm is good, Nannies: Every sperm is needed, Cardinal: In your neighborhood. Children: Every sperm is useful, Every sperm is fine, Funeral: God needs everybody's, Mourner1: Mine! Mourner2: And mine! Corpse: And mine! Nun: Let the Pagan spill theirs, O'er mountain, hill, and plain, Statues: God shall strike them down for Each sperm that's spilt in vain. Everyone: Every sperm is wanted, Every sperm is good, Every sperm is needed, In your neighborhood. Every sperm is sacred, Every sperm is great, If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate. @SONG: Never Be Rude to an Arab Never be rude to an Arab, An Israeli, or Saudi, or Jew, Never be rude to an Irishman, No matter what you do. Never poke fun at a Nigger, A Spik, or a Wop, or a Kraut, And never put down... (explosion!) @SONG: I Like Chinese Spoken: The world today seems absolutely crackers. With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high. There are fools and idiots sitting on the trigger. It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why... Intro: I like Chinese, I like Chinese, They only come up to your knees, Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please. Verse: I like Chinese, I like Chinese, There's nine hundred million of them in the world today, You'd better learn to like them, that's what I say. Chorus: I like Chinese, I like Chinese, They come from a long way overseas, But they're cute and they're cuddly, and they're ready to please. Verse: I like chinese food, The waiters never are rude, Think of the many things they've done to impress, There's Maoism, Taoism, I Ching and chess. Chorus: So I like Chinese, I like Chinese, I like their tiny little trees, Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese. Verse: I like Chinese thought, The wisdom that Confucious taught, If Darwin is anything to shout about, The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt. Chorus: So I like Chinese, I like Chinese, They only come up to your knees, Yet they're wise and they're witty, and they're ready to please. Verse: (in Chinese) Chorus: I like Chinese, I like Chinese, Their food is guaranteed to please, A fourteen, a seven, a nine and lychees. Chorus: I like Chinese, I like Chinese, I like their tiny little trees, Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin and yang-ese. Fade: I like Chinese, I like Chinese... @SONG: Eric the Half A Bee Orchestra Leader:A-one, two, a-one two three four Leader: Half a bee, philisophically, Must ipso facto half not be. But half a bee has got to be Vis a vis it's entity. -d'you see? But can a bee be said to be Or not to be an entire bee, When half the bee is not a bee, Due to some ancient injury. -Singing!... All sing: La di di, one two three, Eric the Half a Bee. A B C D E F G, Eric the Half a Bee. Leader: Is this wretched demi-bee, Half asleep upon my knee, Some freak from a menagerie? All yell: No! It's Eric the Half a Bee. All sing: Fiddle di dum, fiddle di dee, Eric the Half a Bee. Ho ho ho, tee hee hee, Eric the Half a Bee. Leader: I love this hive employ-ee-ee, Bisected accidentally, One summer's afternoon by me, I love him carnally. All sing: He loves him carnally... Leader: Semi-carnally. (speaks) The End. Voice: Cyril Connolly? Leader: No, semi-carnally. Voice: Oh. All sing: (Quietly) Cyril Connolly (Ends with an elaborate whistle) @SONG: Brian Song Brian...the babe they called Brian, Grew...grew, grew and grew, Grew up to be, Grew up to be, A boy called Brian, A boy called Brian. He had arms, and legs, and hands, and feet This boy whose name was Brian, And he grew, grew, grew and grew, Grew up to be, Yes he grew up to be, A teenager called Brian, A teenager called Brian. And his face became spotty Yes his face became spotty, And his voice dropped down low, And things started to grow, On young Brian and so, He was certainly no, No girl named Brian, Not a girl named Brian. And he started to shave, And have one off the wrist, And want to see girls, And go out and get pissed A man called Brian. This man called Brian. The man they called Brian. This man called Brian. @SONG: Bruce's Philosophers Song Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable, Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy begger Who could think you under the table, David Hume could out-consume, Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel. And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya 'Bout the raising of the wrist. Socrates himself was permanently pissed. John Stuart Mill, of his own free will On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. Plato, they say could stick it away, Half a crate of whiskey everyday. Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, Hobbes was fond of his dram, And René DesCartes was a drunken fart "I drink, therefore I am." Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed, A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed. @SONG: The Meaning of Life Why are we here, what's life all about? Is God really real, or is there some doubt? Well tonight, we're going to sort it all out For tonight it's the Meaning of Life. What's the point of all this hoax? Is it the chicken and the egg time, Are we just yolks? Or perhaps we're just one of God's little jokes. Well ça c'est the Meaning of Life. Is life just a game where we make up the rules, While we're searching for something to say, Or are we just simply spiralling coils, Of self-replicating DNA? In this life, what is our fate? Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate? Is mankind evolving or is it too late? Well tonight here's the Meaning of Life. For millions this life is a sad vale of tears, Sitting round with nothing to say, While scientists say we're just spiralling coils, Of self-replicating DNA. So just why, why are we here? And just what, what, what, what do we fear? Well çe soir, for a change, it will all be made clear, For this is the Meaning of Life -c'est la sens de la vie, This is the Meaning of Life. @SONG: Knights of the Round Table We're Knights of the Round Table, We dance when ere we're able, We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot, We eat ham and jam and spam a lot. We're Knights of the Round Table, Our show are formidable, But many times, we're given rhymes That are quite unsingable. We're Opera mad in Camelot, We sing from the diaphragm a looooooot. In war we're tough and able, Quite indefatigable, Between our quests we sequin vests, And impersonate Clark Gable. It's a busy life in Camelot, I have to push the pram a lot. @SONG: Decomposing Composers Intro: Right ho, darling. Yeh, be home (spoken) about 8:30. No, no I'll go on a bike. Verse: Beethoven's gone but his music lives on, And Mozart don't go shoppin' no more, You'll never meet Liszt or Brahms again, And Elgar doesn't answer the door. Schübert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh, Whilst composing a long symphony, But one hundred and fifty years later, There's very little of them left to see. Chorus: They're decomposing composers, There's nothing much anyone can do, You can still hear Beethoven, But Beethoven cannot hear you. Verse: Händel and Haydn and Rachmaninov, Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal, But nowadays no-one will serve them, And their gravy is left to congeal. Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds, With their highly original sound, The pianos they played are still working, But they're both six feet underground. Chorus: They're decomposing composers, There's less of them every year, You can say what you like to Debussy, But there's not much of him left to hear. Finish: Claude Achille Debussy, died 1918. Christophe Willebaud Gluck, died 1787. Carl Maria von Weber, not at all well 1825, died 1826. Giacomo Meyerbeer, still alive 1863, not still alive 1864. Modeste Mussorgsky, 1880 going to parties, no fun anymore 1881. Johan Nepomuck Hummel, chatting away nineteen to the dozen with his mates down the pub every evening 1836, 1837 nothing. @SONG: All Things Dull and Ugly All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot. Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid, Who made the spikey urchin, Who made the sharks, He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small, Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. AMEN. @SONG: Two Legs Intro: AND NOW MR. TERRY GILLIAM WILL SING FOR YOU "I'VE GOT TWO LEGS" I've got two legs from my hips to the ground And when I move them they walk around And when I lift them they the stairs And when I shave them they ain't got hairs I've got two... @SONG: Henry Kissenger Henry Kissenger How I'm missing yer, You're the doctor of my dreams. With your crinkly hair And your glassy stare And your Machiavellian schemes I know they say that you are very vain And short and fat and pushy But at leats you're not insane. Henry Kissenger How I'm missing yer And wishing you were here. Henry Kissenger How I'm missing yer You're so chubby and so neat With your funny clothes And your squishy nose You're like a German Par-o-quet. All right so people say that you don't care But you've got nicer legs than Hitler And bigger tits that Cher Henry Kissenger How I'm missing yer And wishing you were here. @SONG: Christmas in Heaven Spoken: GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. IT'S TRULY A REAL HONORABLE EXPERIENCE TO BE HERE THIS EVENING. A VERY WONDERFUL AND WARM AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT FOR ALL OF US. AND I'D LIKE TO SING A SONG: FOR ALL OF YOU. It's Christmas in Heaven, All the children sing, It's Christmas in Heaven, Hark hark those church bells ring. It's Christmas in Heaven, The snow falls from the sky... But it's nice and warm and everyone looks smart and wears a tie. It's Christmas in Heaven, There's great films on TV... `The Sound of Music' twice an hour And `Jaws' I, II, and III. There's gifts for all the family, There's toiletries and trains... There's Sony Walkman Headphone sets And the latest video games. It's Christmas it's Christmas in Heaven! Hip hip hip hip hip hooray! Every single day, Is Christmas day. It's Christmas it's Christmas in Heaven! Hip hip hip hip hip hooray! Every single day, It's Christmas day. @SONG: Galaxy Song Intro: WHENEVER LIFE GETS YOU DOWN, MRS BROWN, AND THINGS SEEM HARD OR TOUGH, AND PEOPLE ARE STUPID, OBNOXIOUS OR DAFT AND YOU FEEL THAT YOU'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH... Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving, And revolving at 900 miles an hour, That's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned, A sun that is the source of all our power. The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see, Are moving at a million miles a day, In an outer spiral arm at 40 000 miles an hour, Of the Galaxy we call the Milky Way. Our Galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars It's 100 000 light years side to side. It bulges in the middle, 16 000 light years thick, But out by us it's just 3 000 light years wide. We're 30 000 light years from galactic central point, We go round every 200 million years And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions In this amazing and expanding Universe. The Universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, In all of the directions it can whizz. As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know, 12 million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure How amazingly unlikely is your birth, And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space, Because there's bugger all down here on Earth. @SONG: Spam Lovely spam, wonderful spa-a-m, Lovely spam, wonderful S Spam, Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am, Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am, SPA-A-A-A-A-A-A-AM, SPA-A-A-A-A-A-A-AM, LOVELY SPAM, LOVELY SPAM, LOVELY SPAM, LOVELY SPAM, LOVELY SPA-A-A-A-AM... SPA-AM, SPA-AM, SPA-AM, SPA-A-A-AM!

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