1%Father [sigh] Oh well. At least we still have his little brother 1% George. 1%George [si

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Skeptic Tank!

1%Father: [sigh] Oh well. At least we still have his little brother 1% George. 1%George: [singing] 1% Bwa bwa bwa bwa, 1% Oh the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky Home, 1% Bwa bwa bwa bwa... 1% [spoken] Trust me, it'll be funny when I'm an old man. 1%-- Timeless classics, "Rosebud" 2%Burns: Oh, it's you. The bedpan's under my pillow. 2%Smithers: [hesitantly] Who's Bobo, sir? 2%Burns: Bobo? Er, um, I meant...Lobo! Er, Sheriff Lobo, they never 2% should have cancelled that show. 2%-- What were they thinking?, "Rosebud" 3%Burns: That man who's getting all those laughs, Smithers...who is he? 3%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from sector 7-G, 3% but I don't think -- 3%Burns: I want this Simpson fellow to perform comedy at my party. I 3% must harness his fractured take on modern life. 3%Smithers: Fine, sir. I'll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque 3% material. 3%-- Better than Diceman, anyway, "Rosebud" 4%Marge: What are you doing? 4%Homer: I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday 4% party. Is "poopoo" one word or two? 4%-- Better grab a dictionary, "Rosebud" 5%Marge: I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his 5% birthday. 5%Lisa: Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns' foibles if done with the 5% greatest of care could earn Dad a special place in the old man's 5% heart. 5%Homer: Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. [laughs] I paint 5% a frowny face on my butt and pull down my pants! 5%-- Going for the subtle approach, "Rosebud" 6%Homer: "Now I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent" -- 6%Bart: Incontinent. [laughs] Too rich! 6%Lisa: Does either of you know what "incontinent" means? 6%Homer: Lisa, don't spoil our fun. 6%-- "Rosebud" 7%Marge: Come on, everybody, it's time to go. 7%Homer: OK, stupid. 7%Marge: Homer, you've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your 7% boss! 7%Homer: Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It's what 7% gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters. 7% [Outside, Flanders clips the hedge] Hey Flanders! You smell 7% like manure. 7%Flanders: Uh oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for 7% the nose-news, neighbor! 7%-- Just practising my invective, "Rosebud" 8%Guard: Hey! 8% [President Bush grunts] 8% No one-termers. [tosses him out] 8%Carter: You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place. 8%Bush: Get away from me, loser. 8%-- One-term Republicans are bigger losers, "Rosebud" 9%Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. 9% Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones! 9%Burns: Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves. 9%Ramone 1: I'd just like to say this gig sucks! 9%Ramone 2: Hey, up yours, Springfield. 9%Ramone 1: One, two, three, four! 9% [Abrasive guitar music begins] 9% Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) 9% Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!) 9% Happy Birthday, Burnsey, 9% Happy Birthday to you! 9%Ramone 3: Go to hell, you old bastard. 9% [The curtain falls] 9%Ramone 4: Hey, I think they liked us! 9%-- Silence gives consent, "Rosebud" 10%Burns: [toward the Ramones] Have the Rolling Stones killed. 10%Smithers: Sir, those aren't -- 10%Burns: Do as I say! 10%-- The perils of being Smithers, "Rosebud" 11%Smithers: Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands 11% tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a 11% satellite hookup on that monitor if you'll just turn your head 11% slightly. 11%Burns: Bah, no time. Next! 11%-- O hallowed gratitude, "Rosebud" 12%I have some sad news to report: a small puppy, not unlike Lassie, was 12%just run over in the parking lot. 12%[Audience gasps] 12%And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson! 12%-- Smithers warms up the audience, "Rosebud" 13%Homer: [exaggeratedly loud] Are you ready to laugh? 13%Man: Poor dog. 13%Homer: I said, are you ready to laugh? 13%Woman: Quiet, you awful man. 13%-- Homer starts his comedy routine, "Rosebud" 14%Homer: You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap -- 14%Burns: What? 14%Homer: I mean, you know, Mr. Burns is so old -- 14%Burns: How dare you! 14%Homer: Woo hoo, tough crowd. 14%-- The comedy routine, "Rosebud" 15%Homer: Oh, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in 15% public again. 15%Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would. 15%-- Hope springs eternal, "Rosebud" 16%Bart: Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please don't deny the world 16% your fat can. 16%Homer: Don't worry, boy, he'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday. 16%Lisa: I knew it. 16%-- So much for _that_ promise, "Rosebud" 17%Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: King Arthur's 17%"Excalibur". The only existing nude photo of Mark Twain. And that rare 17%first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it. 17%-- Smithers, "Rosebud" 18%Smithers: [dressed in a bear suit] Here's something that should cheer 18% you up, sir. It's me, sir: Bobo! Hug me! Squeeze me! 18% [suggestively] Tug at my fur... 18%Burns: [pushing him aside] Enough! Stop this grotesque charade. Now 18% find my teddy! And oh, er, leave the costume. 18%-- Uh, Hallowe'en is next week, "Rosebud" 19%Kent: The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the 19% world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house... 19% You could be looking at it right now. It could be right in front 19% of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps 19% being held up by a loved one. 19%Homer: Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down! 19% [realizing] Moldy? Old? 19% I'm gonna get something to eat! 19%-- Right on the tip of his tongue, "Rosebud" 20%Lisa: Bobo: it's Mr. Burns' bear all right. 20%Homer: Well, Burns isn't getting _this_ back cheap, I can tell you that. 20% He's gonna have to give me...my own recording studio! 20% [In a studio, Homer sings] Two all-beef patties special sauce, 20% lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun. [drools] 20%Man: Homer, you're drooling on the mike again. 20%-- Fifth one today, "Rosebud" 21%Marge: Mmm...I'll sew that eye back on. 21%Bart: No! Let's send Burns the eye in the mail; he'll pay more money 21% if he thinks the bear's in danger. 21%Homer: [in a trance] Yes, we'll send the eye. 21%-- "Rosebud" 22%Marge: I'm sure he'll offer a fair reward. [as an afterthought] And 22% then we'll make him double it. 22%Family: Huh? 22%Marge: [defensive] Well why can't I be greedy once in a while? 22%-- Because you're the nicest?, "Rosebud" 23%[tenderly] Bobo, my beautiful Bobo. I promise I'll never leave you 23%behind again. 23%[to Homer] Ahem. Ah, yes. Er, naturally I can't pay you much of a 23%reward because I'm strapped for cash. 23%[The ceiling caves in, spilling gold and jewels on him] As you can see, 23%this old place is falling apart... 23%-- It's all cubic zirconium anyway, "Rosebud" 24%Burns: I'm sure we can come to an understanding. 24%Homer: Yes, sir. 24% [thinking] Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer. 24%Burns: May I offer you a drink? 24%Homer: Sorry, Burns, no deal. 24%-- A tough bargainer, "Rosebud" 25%Homer: I knew you'd come crawling back. 25%Burns: How much do you want? 25%Homer: A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands. Good ones, not the 25% leper one! 25%Burns: Done! 25%-- Plus an option to pick up the leper one later, "Rosebud" 26%Homer: Aw, big deal. Who needs his money? We're gettin' by OK. 26% [Abe drives through the wall into the living room] 26%Abe: Son! You gotta help me. I hit three people on the way over here 26% and I don't have any insurance! 26% [congenially] So how's by you? 26%-- You should have asked ten seconds ago, "Rosebud" 27%Homer: Mmm...sixty four slices of American cheese. 27% [Takes the stack to the table and sits down] 27% Sixty four...[eats it] 27% Sixty three...[eats it] 27% [Next morning] 27% Two...[eats it really slowly] 27% One...[eats it] 27% [Marge walks in] 27%Marge: [incredulous] Have you been up all night eating cheese? 27%Homer: [slurred] I think I'm blind... 27%-- All that lactose, "Rosebud" 28%Man 1: Excuse me, we wanted to see the geek who valued the happiness 28% of his children more than money. 28%Homer: [unenthused] Right here. 28%Man 2: Aw, you said his head was the size of a baseball. 28%Homer: Oh, my life can't get any worse. 28%Smithers: [over the intercom] Homer Simpson, report for much worse duty. 28%Homer: D'oh! 28%-- Homer, meet Mr. Murphy, "Rosebud" 29%Marge: Mmm, I think we need a new hair dryer. 29%Homer: Marge, you must hate me for not taking Mr. Burns' money. 29%Marge: I don't hate you, I'm proud of you! You came through for your 29% daughter when she needed you the most. 29%Homer: Aw, thanks, Marge. But it'll take a lot more than that to 29% comfort _this_ tortured soul. 29% [He reaches for the box and puts it on his head] Hee hee hee, 29% boxey! 29%Marge: [indignant] Gimme that! 29%-- Simple pleasures, "Rosebud" 30%Barney: [the dinosaur, that is] 30% [singing] Two plus two is four. Two plus two is four. Two plus 30% two is four... 30%Homer: Heh heh heh, I can see why _this_ is so popular! 30%-- Homer learns addition, "Rosebud" 31%Burns: As you can see, Simpson, I've taken over all 78 channels. And 31% you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in. 31%Otto: Woo, that bites. 31%Patty: Holy crap! 31%-- Taking over MacGyver is a fate worse than death, "Rosebud" 32%Burns: What's that you say? You can live without television so long as 32% you have _beer_? 32%Homer: [defiantly] That's right. 32%Burns: [ominously] Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield 32% have been diverted...this town will be as dry as a bone. And if 32% the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys out there have a 32% problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson. 32% [The doorbell rings, and Homer answers it] 32%Barney: [brandishing a gun] Homer, give him what he wants! 32%-- You don't know how far he'll go, "Rosebud" 33%Nelson: My old man can't get a beer because his old man [points at 33% Jimbo] won't give a beer to another old man. Let's get him! 33%Jimbo: Wait! Why are we gettin' him? 33% [Martin walks by] 33%Martin: Look, gentlemen. The first snapdragon of the season! 33%Nelson: Never mind. Let's just get _him_! [points at Martin] 33%-- Bad timing, "Rosebud" 34% [A dumb sitcom is shown on TV] 34%Burns: Smithers, I'm home! [canned laughter] 34%Smithers: What, already? [canned chuckle] 34%Burns: Yes. [loud canned laughter] 34%Lisa: [watching] Is it my imagination or is TV getting worse? 34%Homer: Ehh, it's about the same. Uh oh! Look out, Smithers! 34% [Sound of breaking glass] 34% Heh heh, I love this show. 34%-- Homer, discerning TV viewer, "Rosebud" 35%Burns: Well, Maggie, I've given this a lot of though. I'm sure we 35% can come to some sort of agreement -- 35% [Starts trying to pull the bear away, but he's too weak] 35% Beaten by an infant...what could be more humiliating? 35%Reporter: [taking a photo] What a scoop! 35%-- You had to ask, "Rosebud" 36% [Maggie offers him the bear] 36%Burns: For me? Bobo? 36% Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened, I'm 36% actually happy. Take a note! [resolute] From now on, I'm 36% only going to be good and kind to everyone. 36%Smithers: I'm sorry sir, I don't have a pencil. 36%Burns: Ehh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it. 36%-- "Rosebud" 37%Well...we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. 37%Marge, I'm confused! Is this a happy ending or a sad ending? 37%-- Homer the prescriptivist, "Rosebud" 38%Man: [quietly] Well, sir, it has been an uneventful week in Badger 38% Falls...where the women are robust, the men are pink-cheeked, and 38% the children are pink-cheeked and robust. 38% [Audience laughs loudly] 38%Homer: What the hell's so funny? 38%Man: At the Apple Biscuit cafe, where the smiles are free, don't you 38% know, Sven Inqvist studied the menu, and finally he ordered the 38% same thing he has every day. 38% [Audience laughs and applauds] 38%Bart: Maybe it's the TV. 38%Homer: Stupid TV. [Hits it] Be more funny! 38%-- TV: object of aggression, "Marge on the Lam" 39%Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such telethons 39% as "Out With Gout '88" and "Let's Save Tony Orlando's House." 39% Folks, do you realize without your support, public television 39% can't afford to bring you such award-winning shows as "Edward 39% the Penitent"? 39% [Cut to clip] 39%Edward: [kissing the papal ring] I'm really, really, _really_ sorry -- 39%Pope: I'm afraid "sorry" doesn't cut it with this pope! 39%-- Eleven "Tony"-winning shows, "Marge on the Lam" 40%Troy: What the hell -- Oh! We got a call. 40%Homer: Ha ha! Some idiot actually called in. 40%Troy: Hello? What's your name? 40%Marge: Marge Simpson. 40%Homer: Aah! 40%-- My wife's an idiot!, "Marge on the Lam" 41%Marge generously pledges thirty dollars, then thanks Troy before hanging 41%up. 42%Marge, it's public TV! They never have anything good. Where are the 42%Geraldos? Where are the Ewbankses-es? 42%-- Homer objects to Marge pledging money, "Marge on the Lam" 43%Marge: [of public TV] They need our support! Besides, they gave me two 43% tickets to the ballet. 43%Homer: [jubilant] Ballet? Woo-hoo! 43%Marge: [incredulous] You like ballet? 43%Homer: Marjorie, _please_. I enjoy _all_ the meats of our cultural 43% stew. 43%-- Particularly the snouts and entrails, "Marge on the Lam" 44%Homer: _That's_ what ballet is? [whining] Oh -- 44%Marge: You promised! You can't back out like when you volunteered for 44% that Army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'. 44% [Flashback] 44%Doctor: Mr. Simpson, you _do_ realize this may result in hair loss, 44% giddiness, and the loss of equilibrium? 44%Homer: Yeah, yeah, just give me the serum. 44% [Doctor injects him] 44% [Back to the present] 44%Homer: Heh heh, it was worth it. 44% [Homer falls out of his chair] 44% [giddily] Tee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee -- 44%-- A tangled web, "Marge on the Lam" 45%Carl: Hey Homer, you wanna get a beer on the way home? 45%Homer: [sneering] I can't. I gotta take my wife to the ballet. 45%Lenny: Heh. You're gonna go see the bear in the little car, huh? 45%-- People unclear on the concept, "Marge on the Lam" 46% [Homer reaches inside a pop machine, grunting] 46%Homer: Just...a little more...argh...got it! [realizing] Aah! I'm 46% stuck. Help me! 46%Carl: He's done for! 46%Lenny: Let's get out of here! 46% [They run off screaming] 46%Homer: [dragging the machine behind him] Must...get to ballet... 46% promised...Marge! 46%-- A man with a mission, "Marge on the Lam" 47%Hello? Can I get some help? Snack-related mishap! 47%-- Homer with his arm stuck in a vending machine, "Marge on the Lam" 48%Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools along 48%with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind. 48%-- Ruth Powers on divorce, "Marge on the Lam" 49%Ruth: Vayachipa's loins ought to be outlawed. 49%Marge: [snickers] 49%Burns: Bah! Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing! 49%Smithers: A little mincing would be nice... 49%-- At the ballet, "Marge on the Lam" 50%Marge: Well, thank you for a lovely time. 50%Ruth: You're not going home already, are you? 50%Marge: Well, it's almost 9:30. 50%-- Lights out by 10:00, "Marge on the Lam" 51%Man: Homer, this...this is never easy to say. I'm going to have to 51% saw your arms off. [brandishes a buzzsaw] 51%Homer: [plaintive] They'll grow back, right? 51%Man: Oh, er, yeah. 51%Homer: Whew! 51%-- He failed anatomy, I guess, "Marge on the Lam" 52%Ruth: [sighs] I envy you and Homer. 52%Marge: Thank you. [realizing] Why? 52%Ruth: If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand. All he ever did 52% was eat, sleep, and drink beer. 52%Marge: Your point being? 52%-- "Marge on the Lam" 53%Ruth: [about her ex-husband] To top it off, he's been stiffing me on 53% child support for the last four months. 53%Marge: Hmm. Well, you _were_ unlucky. But there _are_ a lot of good 53% men out there. 53%Barney: Hey! [to waiter] Can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy 53% somethin' -- 53%-- "Marge on the Lam" 54%Homer: Marge, I know you didn't believe me about the vending machines. 54% That's why I had the firemen write me a note. 54%Marge: [reads] "Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a 54% lumberyard burned down." 54%Homer: D'oh! [sadly] Lumber has a million uses. 54%-- Even worse, "Marge on the Lam" 55%Marge: I'm disappointed in you. But it turns out I had a wonderful time 55% with Ruth Powers. In fact, we're going out again tomorrow night. 55%Homer: Marge, that's twice. I think you're spending entirely too much 55% time with this woman. 55%Marge: Homer, please. You know it's hard for me to make friends. 55% [Flashback to Marge and three women drinking coffee in the living 55% room] 55%Woman: Heh heh. Oh, Marge, we should do this every Thursday. 55% [Homer walks in wearing a "No Fat Chicks" T-shirt and Hawaiian 55% shorts] 55%Homer: Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk. Oh, look! It's doing it 55% again. 55%-- Respect thy wife, "Marge on the Lam" 56%Homer: Marge, you can't go out on Saturday! That's our special night. 56%Marge: What's so special about it? 56%Homer: What's so -- [sarcastic] Oh, I don't know. A little show called 56% "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman"? 56%-- Starring Vanna White, "Marge on the Lam" 57%Homer: Where are you going? 57%Marge: I don't know. 57%Homer: When will you be home? 57%Marge: I'm not sure. 57%Homer: Where are you going? 57%Marge: You already asked me that. 57%-- The long-term effects of TV-watching, "Marge on the Lam" 58%Homer: How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children? 58%Lisa: Have a blast, Mom. 58%Bart: Rock the Casbah! 58%Homer: [sneering at Bart] "Man's best friend," indeed. 58%-- "Marge on the Lam" 59%Marge: You look...nice. 59%Ruth: Tonight has nothing to do with "nice". Tonight's all about -- 59% [She puts in a tape: "Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows" --] 59% Oh, sorry Marge. Wrong tape. 59% ["Welcome to the jungle! We got fun and games..."] 59%-- The jungle that is...Springfield, "Marge on the Lam" 60%Homer: I can't believe your mother went out to have fun without me. 60%Bart: Don't worry. You'll feel better once we put your hair up in 60% curlers and give you a makeover, [slyly] Homina. 60%Homer: [falsetto] Oh, that would be delightful -- 60% [realizing] Quiet, boy! 60%-- "Marge on the Lam" 61%Homer: There's nothing to feel ashamed of here. Women have a right to a 61% night out, right, Lisa? 61%Lisa: Sure, dad. [makes a whipping sound] 61%-- Ball and chain, "Marge on the Lam" 62%Homer: That's it! I'm calling my buddies. Marge is not the only one 62% who can have a girls' night out. [dials the phone] 62%Lenny: Oh, no can do, Homer. I'm watching the game. 62% [Shaves a woman's legs] 62%Woman: Shave up, not down, you idiot! 62%Burns: Ooh, sounds delish! Let me just toss some jeans on and -- 62% wait a minute! Who is this? 62%Flanders: Howdily-doodily-do! 62% [Homer hangs up] 62% Hello? Y'ello! Hellodily-odily! 62%-- Maybe some other night, "Marge on the Lam" 63%Homer: Fine. I can have a great time all by myself. 63%Lisa: Hey Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a 63% babysitter. 63%Homer: Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen "Home Alone"? If some burglars come, 63% it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation. 63%Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter! 63%Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second... 63% [Pulls a paper from his pocket: "Always do the opposite of what 63% Bart says"] Hmm...you kids _do_ need a babysitter! 63%Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] _Don't_ give that card to 63% me. 63%Homer: Here you g -- [pulls back] No! 63%-- Just before Homer leaves, "Marge on the Lam" 64%Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I 64% couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, 64% being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour. 64%Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two 64% popsicles out of the freezer. 64%Hutz: Three. 64%Homer: Two. 64%Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage. 64%Homer: Done! 64%Hutz: [proudly] Still got it. 64%-- "Marge on the Lam" 65%Cowboy: Hey, baby! Feel like gettin' lucky? 65%Marge: I _am_ lucky. I have a husband and three wonderful children. 65% Thank you very much. 65%Cowboy: [threatening] Listen, baby, I _always_ get what I want. 65%Marge: [indignant] I said no! 65%Cowboy: Oh, did you? Oh, I completely misunderstood. Please accept our 65% apologies. 65%-- A true redneck gentleman, "Marge on the Lam" 66%Homer: Sometimes, you gotta go where everybody knows your name. 66% [walks into Moe's] Hey guys! 66% [No one answers; the fan squeaks] 66% Moe, get the darts. I want to play. 66%Moe: No. We're phasing out the games; people drink less when they're 66% having fun. 66%-- Cause and effect, "Marge on the Lam" 67%Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. 67%Look at him! He's wearing a belt. [wistfully] That's Hollywood for ya. 67%-- Lionel Hutz on "LA Law", "Marge on the Lam" 68%Hey, Mrs. Simpson! You should try one of these "Smart Drinks." [laughs 68%and drinks it] 68%Ooh, wow...I've wasted my life! 68%-- Otto, realization dawning, "Marge on the Lam" 69%Quimby: Would you, er, like to dance? 69%Marge: Mayor Quimby! What are you doing here! 69%Quimby: I'm, er, here with my nephews. 69%-- Remind you of anyone?, "Marge on the Lam" 70%Marge: What was it you wanted to show me? 70%Ruth: This. [pulls a gun] 70%Marge: [gasps] You're not going to hunt me for sport, are you? 70%-- No, for meat, "Marge on the Lam" 71%Marge: Beautiful, huh? Homer and I used to come up here on dates. 71% [Flashback to said date, where Homer brandishes a thick stick] 71% Homer, stop that! It's just a weather station. 71%Homer: Come on, Marge! It's fun to smash things. [hits it] Heh heh, I 71% smashed it good! [laughs some more] 71% [to Marge] You got real purty hair... 71%-- A hopeless romantic, "Marge on the Lam" 72%Ruth: [pointing] Look, you can see our houses. 72%Marge: Hmm. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney. 72%Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers? 72%Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to 72% Miguel Sanchez! 72%-- Lawyers can change legal names easily, "Marge on the Lam" 73%Marge: Maybe we should call it a night. 73%Ruth: OK. I _should_ get home to my daughter before that naked talk 73% show comes on. 73%-- The one with bacon on the beach?, "Marge on the Lam" 74%Homer: The old make-out place. Hey, a new weather station! I'll bash 74% it good! [sighs] Oh, it's just no fun without Marge. 74%Wiggum: Ah, there's nothing like moonshine from your own still. 74% [notices Homer] Oh, Simpson! [tosses the moonshine] What are 74% you doing here? 74%Homer: [bitter] My wife is having a girls' night out. 74%Wiggum: Aw, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's 74% a woman, though, because one time I...heh. 74%-- Another story not suitable for children, "Marge on the Lam" 75%Marge: Ruth, is there something you want to tell me? 75%Ruth: Remember when I said my ex-husband was behind on his child 75% support? 75%Marge: Uh huh. 75%Ruth: Well, to even things up, I kind of stole his car. 75%Marge: Didn't you realize all you had to do was report him to the 75% police? 75%Ruth: Marge, you're the level-headed friend I never had. 75%-- Small consolation, "Marge on the Lam" 76%Wiggum: We're in pursuit of two female suspects. One is wearing a green 76% dress, pearls, and has a lot of blue hair. 76%Homer: A lot of blue hair? Hee hee -- what a freak! 76%-- A freak that _you_ found her, "Marge on the Lam" 77%Homer: ...it's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I 77% didn't take her to the ballet. 77%Wiggum: That's _exactly_ how Dillinger got started. 77%Homer: [interested] Really? 77%-- You learn something new every day, "Marge on the Lam" 78%Marge: I don't want to be a wet blanket, but maybe you should give 78% yourself up. 78%Ruth: Marge, it's a matter of principle. I just can't let that 78% deadbeat win again. You're with me, aren'tcha? 78%Marge: [thinking] I should say something reassuring and noncommittal. 78% [spoken] Hmm. 78%-- Reassuring..._and_ noncommittal, "Marge on the Lam" 79%Ruth: Look, Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this. 79% Once we lose the cops, I'll let you out. 79%Marge: Well, I don't think they'll be that easy to lose. These are 79% professional lawmen, and -- 79% [Ruth turns the car's lights off] 79%Wiggum: Oh my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost-car! [slams on 79% the brakes] 79% There are ghost-cars all over these highways, you know. 79%Homer: [timid] Hold me. 79%Wiggum: [conciliatory] Only if you hold me. 79%-- You first, "Marge on the Lam" 80%Marge: [uncertain] Well, goodbye. 80%Ruth: I'm...sorry about all this. But you gotta admit, we _did_ have 80% some fun. 80%Marge: Yeah...everything before the high-speed chase was just lovely. 80%-- "Marge on the Lam" 81%Woman 1: [to Woman 2] This cross-country flight from the law would be 81% hell if we didn't stick together. 81%Woman 2: Hey: friends _stick_ together. 81%Woman 3: [to Woman 4] It's amazing how through all this adversity, we 81% managed to stick together. 81%Woman 4: If there's _one thing_ decent folk do, it's stick together. 81%Waitress: I hate it when the waffles stick together. 81%Cook: Stickin' together is what good waffles do. 81%-- Philsophy in a truck stop, "Marge on the Lam" 82%Wiggum: Mmm, engine-block eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be 82% sitting pretty. 82% [Marge and Ruth whiz by] 82%Homer: That's them! 82%Wiggum: Quiet! I can't hear the eggs. 82%-- Wiggum the epicure, "Marge on the Lam" 83%Bart: Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet. 83%Lisa: Don't worry, Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. [taps 83% him] 83%Hutz: [wakes up, clears his throat] Don't touch my stuff! [holds a 83% knife] 83% Hey, this isn't the YMCA... 83%-- Survival of the fittest, "Marge on the Lam" 84%Wiggum: Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum, back in pursuit of the 84% rebelling women. 84%Dispatch: All right, your current location? 84%Wiggum: Oh, uh, I'm, er, I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt...oh, 84% geez, trees, shrubs...er, I'm directly under the earth's 84% sun...now! 84%-- No need for GPS satellites, "Marge on the Lam" 85%Kent: We've just received word of a high-speed desert chase. The 85% suspects have been identified as Ruth Powers and Marge Simpson of 85% Springfield. 85%Bart: Cool! 85%Lisa: I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up and cast off the 85% shackles of our male oppressors. 85%Bart: Ehh, shut your yap. 85%-- Bart Simpson, Male Oppressor, "Marge on the Lam" 86%At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt 86%with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could 86%incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [Pause] 86%It's in "Revelations", people! 86%-- Kent Brockman thumps the bible, "Marge on the Lam" 87%Ruth: I give up. A single mother can't win in a man's world. 87%Marge: Ruth, that's a lot of hooey. It's not over 'till it's over. 87% [Grabs the steering wheel, making the car veer off the road] 87% I'm sorry, I should have asked first. 87%-- Always considerate, "Marge on the Lam" 88%Wiggum: Oh, no! They're headed right for the Grand Chasm! 88%Homer: Oh my God! They're going to drive right into it just to teach 88% us men a lesson. And it's all my fault! 88%-- A heavy burden, "Marge on the Lam" 89%Homer: [into bullhorn] Marge, Marge! 89%Marge: Homer? 89%Homer: Look Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry 89% about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I'm sorry I 89% used your wedding dress to wax the car. And I'm sorry -- oh 89% well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this 89% point. 89%Marge: [to Ruth] You're right: I _am_ lucky to have him. 89%-- Stand by your man, "Marge on the Lam" 90%Wiggum: Hah! And to think those idiot environmentalists were protesting 90% this landfill! 90%Homer: It's solid waste...I could kiss you! 90% [kisses it] Ew... 90% [kisses it] Ooh... 90% [kisses it] Argh! 90% [kisses it] Ooh...I think _this_ was pizza. 90%-- With bile topping, perhaps, "Marge on the Lam" 91%Narrator: Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The 91% judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges and forced 91% him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the 91% outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz. 91% Lionel Hutz, AKA Miguel Sanchez, AKA Dr. Nguyen Van Falk, was 91% paid eight dollars for his thirty-two hours of babysitting. 91% He was glad to get it. 91% Marge Simpson was charged with a violation of penal code 91% section 618A: Wanton Destruction of Precious Antique Cans. 91% She was ordered to pay fifty cents to replace the cans, and 91% $2000 in punitive damages and mental anguish. 91% Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States 91% Army Neurochemical Research Center at Fort Meade, Maryland, 91% for extensive testing. 91%Homer: Woo-hoo! 91%-- The fates of the principal characters, "Marge on the Lam" 92%Ooh! The Springfield Men's Shelter is giving away sixty soiled 92%mattresses! 92%-- Homer reads the "FOR FREE" section of the paper, "Bart's Inner Child" 93%Homer: Oh my God! 93%Lisa: What is it? 93%Homer: Tramapoline! Trampopoline! [runs out] 93%Bart: He said what now? 93%Marge: Please, don't bring home any more old crutches! 93%-- Homer gets excited over a free trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child" 94%Krusty: You here for the trampoline? 94%Homer: Yeah. What's the deal? 94%Krusty: Well, I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act, but I'm phasing 94% it out for more dirty limericks: "There once was a man named 94% Enis..." 94%-- Krusty gives away a trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child" 95%Dad, this one gesture almost makes up for years of shaky fathering! 95%-- Lisa, after Homer gets a trampoline for the family, "Bart's Inner 95% Child" 96%Bart: I will _never_ get tired of this! 96%Lisa: I'm going to have my wedding here! 96%-- The children play on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child" 97%Marge: I don't know if this is a good idea. 97%Homer: Marge, it's the perfect exercise! It'll double the value of our 97% house, and it was free! Free! 97%-- Why trampolines are good, "Bart's Inner Child" 98%Bart: Otto, are you OK? 98%Otto: Yeah. Just pop my shoulder back in. [Bart does so] Thanks, 98% little buddy! 98%-- Otto injures himself on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child" 99%Todd: Each leap brings us closer to God. 99%Rod: Catch me, Lord, catch me! 99% [They collide and fall onto the ground] 99% What have we done to make God angry? 99%Todd: _You_ did it! 99%-- The Flanders children jump on the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child" 100%Milhouse: Stop jumping on me! I'm hurt. 100%Homer: Kids, kids: once you get hurt, move aside and let other people 100% jump. 100%-- Homer lays down the trampoline rules, "Bart's Inner Child" 101%Homer: Hey, Krusty: I'm bringing back the -- 101%Krusty: [points a shotgun at Homer] 101% You just keep right on driving. 101%-- Homer tries to return the trampoline, "Bart's Inner Child" 102%That's the last I'll see of Mr. Trampoline. Yep, it's finally gone. 102%[A shadow grows above Homer] 102%[The trampoline bounces repeatedly off Homer's head, driving his feet 102%into the ground] 102%If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now. 102%-- Physics according to "Road Runner", "Bart's Inner Child" 103%All right, all right...you win for now. But someday you'll _rust_! 103%-- Homer vs. the trampoline., "Bart's Inner Child" 104%Bart: Dad, you really want to get rid of this trampoline? 104%Homer: Uh huh. 104%Bart: Observe: a bike lock. 104% [He locks the trampoline to a post] 104% Now just turn around, and count to three: one, two, three -- 104% [They turn around to see Snake with a pair of wire cutters] 104% Uh, better make it five. 104%Snake: All right! I got me a bed. 104%-- 1,001 uses, "Bart's Inner Child" 105% [Outside] 105%Kearney: Shh, quiet! You'll wake up old man Simpson. 105%Jimbo: Hey, no more trampoline. 105%Kearney: Let's jump on the car instead! 105%-- Appetite for destruction, "Bart's Inner Child" 106%Homer: OK, the trampoline was a bad idea. But you know what? At least 106% I'm out there trying new things. If it were up to you, all we'd 106% ever do is work and go to church. 106%Marge: That's not true. 106%Homer: Name one thing you've done in the past month that was fun. 106%Marge: I can name ten things! Uh...I made sloppy Joes! 106%Homer: That's not fun. 106%-- The importance of being fun, "Bart's Inner Child" 107%Marge: Hmm...I didn't realize people saw me that way. 107%Lisa: Are you mad? 107%Marge: No, I'm fine. I'm going to my sisters' now. 107% [She runs out and drives away] 107%Flanders: [cheerily] Careful there, Marge, you almost nicked me! 107%-- Marge deals with being a nag, "Bart's Inner Child" 108%Patty: Your blood pressure is off the chart. 108%Selma: And I don't like this urine sample one bit. 108%-- The sisters inspect Marge, "Bart's Inner Child" 109%Thank you, Martha Quinn. [Audience applauds] 109%There you have it: unrehearsed testimonies from important celebrities. 109%She's one of my favorites. I loved her in the thing I saw her in. 109%-- Brad Goodman on his infomercial, "Bart's Inner Child" 110%Goodman: You know, my course can help you with every personality 110% disorder in the "Feel Bad Rainbow." Let's look at the rainbow; 110% what's in there? [reads list] Depression, insomnia, 110% motor-mouth, darting eyes, indecisiveness, decisiveness, 110% bossiness, uncontrollable falling down, geriatric profanity 110% disorder (or GPD), and chronic nagging...nagging...nagging... 110% [Close up shot of Marge] 110%Selma: Sorry, it does that sometimes. [hits the TV] 110%-- Nine things in the seven-colored rainbow, "Bart's Inner Child" 111%Oh, hi! I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help 111%videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid". Well, now 111%I'm here to tell you about the only real path to mental health. That's 111%right, it's the Brad Goodman [squints at cue cards] 111%something-or-other... 111%-- Troy McClure introduces "Adjusting Your Self-O-Stat", "Bart's Inner 111% Child" 112%A few weeks ago, I was a washed-up actor with a drinking problem. Then 112%Brad Goodman came along and gave me this job and a can of fortified 112%wine! [drinks from a can] Ah...sweet liquor eases the pain. 112%-- Troy McClure describes how self-help aided him, "Bart's Inner Child" 113%Troy: And now I'd like to introduce the man who will put the "you" in 113% "impr-you-vement"...Brad Goodman! 113%Brad: Thank you so much, Troy. And by the way...I'm not happy you're 113% still drinking. But at least you're down to one from more than 113% fifty. 113%-- "Bart's Inner Child" 114%Brad: Folks, I'm often asked about my qualifications. Well, I may not 114% have a lot of "credentials" or "training", but I tell you one 114% thing: I'm a Ph.D. in pain. Now let me show you how you can 114% change your life. 114% [Steps to a blackboard] Troy, this circle is you. [draws one] 114%Troy: My God, it's like you've known me all my life! 114%-- Accurate characterizations, "Bart's Inner Child" 115%Marge: That video really opened my eyes. I can see that I'm just a 115% passive-aggressive co-culprit. By nagging you when you do 115% foolish things, I just enable your life script. 115%Homer: And that sends me into a shame spiral. 115%Marge: Exactly! 115%-- Following their bliss, "Bart's Inner Child" 116%Marge: Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies? 116%Bart: Uh oh. You're in for it now, Dad. 116%Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now. 116%Marge: I'm hearing that you feel a lot of shame. 116%Homer: And I feel that you hear my shame. 116%Marge: I'm feeling annoyance and frustration, but also tolerance. 116%Homer: I feel validated by that. 116%Marge: Good! I'm glad we had this talk. 116%Homer: Me too. [walks off whistling] 116%-- The new problem-tackling paradigm, "Bart's Inner Child" 117%Wow, for free! Surplus drums of mayonnaise from operation Desert Storm! 117%-- Homer finds more good free stuff, "Bart's Inner Child" 118%Homer: Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture. 118%Lisa: We know, Dad. 118%Homer: I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to 118% attend this self-help seminar. 118%Bart: What an odd thing to say... 118%-- Homer's new directness approach, "Bart's Inner Child" 119%Brad: Thank you. OK, folks. Let me hear what's troubling you. Don't 119% be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go! 119%Quimby: I, er, can't commit to a relationship. 119%Burns: I'm too nice! 119%Apu: I have problems with -- 119%Lenny: I'm always interrupting people! 119%-- The "Inner Child Workshop", "Bart's Inner Child" 120%Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting. There's no 120%trick to it -- it's just a simple trick! 120%-- Brad Goodman at the "Inner Child Workshop", "Bart's Inner Child" 121%Brad: Now, close your eyes for a moment and really listen to that inner 121% voice inside, your inner child. Listen! What's he saying? 121%Ned: [inside] Stay the course, big Ned. You're doing super! 121%Homer: [inside] Food goes in here! [spoken] It sure does. 121%Moe: [inside] Hey, Moe, what's-a-matter? You no talka with you accent 121% no more. [spoken] Mama mia! 121%-- The inner children speak, "Bart's Inner Child" 122%Brad: Principal Skinner, let's try some rage work. I want you to 122% pretend this dummy right here is your mother. 122%Skinner: OK, I'll try. 122%Brad: Tell this dummy mother exactly how you feel right now. 122%Skinner: I'm annoyed with you, Mother. Not just annoyed -- angry! I'm 122% a grown man now [yelling] and I can run my own life! 122% [Tears at the dummy with his teeth] 122%Brad: Calm down, calm down. Oh, _moving_. You can sit down now. 122%Skinner: [sitting next to his mother] We're still going antiquing on 122% Saturday, right, Mother? 122%-- Open aggression, "Bart's Inner Child" 123%Brad: You see, folks, we're all trying to please someone else. And as 123% soon as you're not a human be-ing, you're a human do-ing. Then 123% what comes next? 123%Bart: A human go-ing! [gets up to leave] 123%-- Bart's syllogism of humanity, "Bart's Inner Child" 124%Brad: People, this young man here _is_ the inner child I've been talking 124% about! 124%Lisa: [incredulous] What? 124%-- Lisa's slow acceptance, "Bart's Inner Child" 125%Brad: Son, you've never read any of my books, have you? 125%Bart: [snorts] Earth to boring guy. 125% [Audience howls with laughter] 125%Brad: [laughs] That means "no", huh? I'm not so old-fashioned. 125%-- Grace under pressure, "Bart's Inner Child" 126%Brad: This is really remarkable. Here we have a man with an obvious 126% eating disorder, and a woman with a bizarre hairstyle, I'm sure 126% worn only for shock value -- 126%Marge: Erm -- 126%Brad: -- and yet, they've managed to raise an emotionally healthy son. 126% That's fantastic. 126%Marge: Oh, thank you. 126%-- Insurmountable odds, "Bart's Inner Child" 127%Brad: We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this, this -- 127%Bart: Rudiger. 127%Brad: -- Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger -- 127%Marge: His name is Bart. 127%Brad: [snaps] His name isn't important! What's important here is that 127% this lad has fully developed ego integrity with well-defined 127% boundaries. 127%Bart: [snoring noises] 127% [Audience laughs] 127%-- Bart, everyone's obnoxious inner child, "Bart's Inner Child" 128%Brad: People, I am excited. I can sense a change in the air 128% tonight. You are all going to start _living_, really 128% _living_. 128%Audience: Yay! [chanting] Living! Living! 128%Brad: Be like the boy! 128%Audience: Be like boy! Be like boy! 128%Brad: Just the ladies. 128%Ladies: Be like boy! Be like boy! 128%Brad: Now, the seniors in the back. 128%Seniors: We like Roy! We like Roy! 128%-- Not Roy Cohn, surely?, "Bart's Inner Child" 129%Lisa: This is madness. He's just peddling a bunch of easy answers. 129%Carl: [enthusiastically] And how! 129%-- Lisa sees through Brad Goodman, "Bart's Inner Child" 130%pre-moistened towlette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and 130%really communicating, with no holding back, and this reporter thinks 130%it's about [bleep]ing time. Of course, all these good vibes can be 130%traced to one feisty little scamp [picture of Bart appears] who taught 130%us that if it feels good, do it! 130%-- Kent Brockman's two cents, "Bart's Inner Child" 131%Bart: Lis, today I am a god. 131%Lisa: Is that why you're sitting on an ice cream sandwich? 131%Bart: Eww! 131%-- Blessed by the holy bottom, "Bart's Inner Child" 132%Now instead of my boring old sermon, I'm going to take a page from the 132%Book of Bart to do something I've always wanted to do. 132%[Walks over to the organ] 132%Take five, Mrs. Feesh. 132%[Begins playing "The Entertainer" badly] Wait, wait, I can do this... 132%[Starts over, playing more wrong notes] 132%Wait, wait, hold on... 132%-- Reverend Lovejoy does what he feels like, "Bart's Inner Child" 133%Edna: [reading] "The wireless was an invention by Guglielmo 133% Marconi." Who can tell me what his first message was? 133%Bart: Uh -- 133%Milhouse: I want-a change-a my name-a! 133% [Everyone laughs] 133%Edna: [chuckling] Oh, good one, Milhouse. Anyone else? The first 133% message by wireless? 133%Bart: It was -- 133%Martin: Our tenth caller will receive tickets to Supertramp! 133% [Everyone laughs] 133%-- Everyone lives like Bart, "Bart's Inner Child" 134%Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me. So why does it suck? 134%Lisa: It's simple, Bart: you've defined yourself as a rebel, and in the 134% absence of a repressive milieu your societal nature's been 134% co-opted. 134%Bart: [pause] I see. 134%-- Said the blind man, "Bart's Inner Child" 135%Lisa: Ever since that self-help guy came to town, you've lost your 135% identity. You've fallen through the cracks of our quick-fix, 135% one-hour photo, instant oatmeal society. 135%Bart: What's the answer? 135%Lisa: Well, this is your chance to develop a new and better identity. 135% May I suggest...good-natured doormat? 135%Bart: Sounds good, sis. Just tell me what to do. 135%-- Lisa consoles Bart, "Bart's Inner Child" 136%Springfield will have its first annual "Do What You Feel" Festival this 136%Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up! It'll be a welcome change 136%from our annual, "Do As We Say" Festival started by German settlers in 136%1946. 136%-- Kent Brockman's residual bitterness, "Bart's Inner Child" 137%Willy: If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of 137% you and burn your town to cinders. 137%Workman: [whispering] The mike's on. 137%Willy: I know it's on! 137%-- Don't delay, vote today, "Bart's Inner Child" 138%Burns: I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this 138% so-called..._iced_ cream. 138%Smithers: Sir, in the spirit of the festival and everything, I'd just 138% like to say that...[clears throat]...I...love you. 138%Burns: Hmm? 138%Smithers: [hastily] In those colors! [aside] Oh, who am I kidding? The 138% boathouse was the time! 138%-- Plagued by doubt and regrets, "Bart's Inner Child" 139%Skinner: My God, they're naked! 139%Patty: Double your pleasure, Springfield. 139%Selma: I'm sweating...let's ride through the car wash. 139%Everyone: Ew! 139%McAlister: [snapping a photo of them] Arr! This picture will serve me 139% well on those lonely nights at sea. 139%-- Their biggest fan, "Bart's Inner Child" 140%Homer: This is great...I can finally look like I want, and not get 140% hassled by the man! [Apu and Jamshed ride around the family on 140% skateboards] 140%Apu: Cowabunga! 140%Bart: Skateboards? You copycat wannabes! 140%-- The "Do What You Feel" Festival, "Bart's Inner Child" 141%Good afternoon and welcome to the "Do What You Feel" festival. By the 141%way, this young lady is not my wife, but I _am_ sleeping with her. I'm 141%telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing. 141%-- Quimby, the Master of Ceremonies, "Bart's Inner Child" 142%Quimby: And now to usher in this new era of feeling good is the 142% godfather of soul, James Brown. 142%Brown: Ow! [singing] 142% I feel good, huh! 142% I knew that I would, now. How! 142% I feel good, good God! 142% I knew that I would. Hah! 142% So good! So good! I got a-you. Wow! 142% [The bandstand collapses, and everyone gasps] 142% Hey, wait a minute. Hold on here -- this bandstand wasn't 142% double-bolted. Huh. 142%Worker: I didn't feel like it. 142%Homer: Hey, I hear you, buddy. 142%-- James Brown, closet carpenter, "Bart's Inner Child" 143%Marge: Er, I don't want to judge the rightness of your ego orientation, 143% but my inner critic says you should have done your job! 143%Ned: Hey, now, Marge, let's not "should" this fellow to death. 143%-- New-age arguments, "Bart's Inner Child" 144%Quimby: In the spirit of the occasion, I must tell you what I 144% think. You two screwed up royal! 144%Worker: Ya know, I really don't feel like being blamed. 144%Skinner: I feel that you should shut up! 144%Moe: You know, you really irritate me, Skinner, what with your 144% store-bought haircut and excellent posture. 144%Hot-dog boy: Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice! 144%Moe: Oh, really? [pushes him] 144%Hibbert: Oh, now, now: there's no need to resort to violence. 144%Moe: Oh, sure there is! [punches the boy] 144%-- So much for owning their okayness, "Bart's Inner Child" 145%Marge: I knew it. If only I had nagged more! 145%Lovejoy: God is angry: we've made a false idol of this Brad Goodman. 145% [Two women in togas hold onto a giant gold statue of Goodman] 145%-- And the Lord said..., "Bart's Inner Child" 146%Skinner: Damn...they're very slowly getting away! 146%Moe: They're heading for the old mill! 146%Homer: No we're not. 146%Moe: Well, let's go to the old mill anyway -- get some cider! 146%-- Short attention spans, "Bart's Inner Child" 147%Homer: Aw, boy: if only Bart had been a better role model for everyone. 147%Marge: That's not fair. The lesson here is that self-improvement is 147% better left to people who live in big cities. 147%Lisa: No! Self-improvement can be achieved, but not with a quick fix: 147% it's a long, arduous journey of personal and spiritual discovery. 147%Homer: That's what I've been saying! We're all fine the way we are! 147%-- Homer, master paraphraser, "Bart's Inner Child" 148%Homer: Ooh! It's that new show about the policeman who solves 148% crimes in his spare time. 148%Bart: Crank it, Homer! 148%Chief: You busted up that crack house pretty bad, MacGarnicle. 148% Did you really have to break so much furniture? 148%MacGarnicle: You tell me, Chief. You had a pretty good view from behind 148% your desk. 148%Homer: Ah, MacGarnicle: eases the pain. 148%Chief: You're off the case, MacGarnicle! 148%MacGarnicle: You're off _your_ case, Chief! 148%Chief: What does that mean exactly? 148%Homer: [yelling] It means he gets results, you stupid chief! 148%Lisa: Dad, siddown. 148%Homer: Oh, I'm sorry. 148%-- More award-winning TV shows, "Bart's Inner Child" 149%Video Man: Thirsting for a way to name the unnameable, to express the 149% inexpressible? 149%Martin: [entranced] Tell me more! 149%-- Martin plays "My Dinner with Andre", "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 150%Bart: Be cool, Simpson...but be _in_ the game, not _of_ the game. 150%Man: Bwaa! No es bueno...Bwaa! 150% [He gets shot and falls off the building] 150% [George Bush walks on the screen and kicks the corpse] 150%Bush: [robotically] Winners don't use drugs. 150%-- Bart plays "Panamanian Strongman", "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 151%Bart: Aw, I'm out of money. 151%Milhouse: Don't say that out loud! 151% [Security men watch a bank of TV screens] 151%Man 1: Caucasian males out of money in sector four. Go to code red. 151%-- Bart and Milhouse at the arcade, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 152%Bart: Oh, man, how are we supposed to kill the rest of the afternoon? 152%Bum: You musn't kill time, boys, you must cherish it. Seize the 152% day!...Can I have some change to go get loaded? 152%-- Bart and Milhouse get ejected from the arcade, "Boy Scoutz N' the 152% Hood" 153%Ah, finally a little quiet time to read some of my old favorites... 153%[Looks at books, picks up peanut jar] 153%Honey-roasted peanuts. Ingredients: "Salt, artificial honey-roasting 153%agents, [excited] pressed peanut sweepings..." Mmm. 153%-- Homer reads a literary masterpiece, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 154%Ah, the last peanut -- overflowing with the oil and salt of its departed 154%brothers. 154%-- Homer with an almost empty jar of peanuts, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 155% [Homer searches under the couch for a peanut] 155%Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy! 155% Eww, slimy. 155% Oh, moving! 155% Ah-ha! [looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty 155% dollars...I wanted a peanut! 155%Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts! 155%Homer: Explain how. 155%Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services. 155%-- The voice of reason, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 156%Bart: OK, we're young, rich, and full of sugar. What do we do? 156%Milhouse: [yelling] Let's go crazy, Broadway style! 156% [Singing together] 156% Springfield, Springfield, it's a hell of a town: 156% the schoolyard's up and the shopping mall's down. 156% The stray dogs go to the animal pound, 156%Bart: Springfield, Springfield! 156%Milhouse: Springfield, Springfield! 156%Sailor: New York, New York! 156%Bart: New York is that-a-way, man! 156%Sailor: Thanks, kid! 156%Together: [singing] It's a hell of a...toooown! 156%-- Painting the town green, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 157%I don't know where you magic pixies came from...but I like your pixie 157%drink! [drinks some Squishy] 157%-- Barney to Milhouse and Bart, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 158%Bart: [groans] Oh, my head. 158%Lisa: Tsk, tsk, tsk, the remorse of the sugar junkie. 158%Bart: Ohh...I don't remember anything. 158%Lisa: Really? Not even...this? [pulls back the covers] 158% [Bart is dressed as in a uniform] 158%Bart: Aah! Oh, no! I must have joined the Junior Campers. 158%Lisa; The few, the proud, the geeky. [Laughs unsympathetically] 158%Bart: Boy, a man on a Squishy bender can sure do some crazy things. 158%-- Bart considers a membership in Squishyholics Anonymous, "Boy Scoutz 158% N' the Hood" 159%Bart: OK, look: I made a terrible mistake. I wandered into a Junior 159% Camper recruitment center, but what's done is done: I've made my 159% bed, and ow I've got to weasel out of it. 159%Marge: I know you think the Junior Campers are square and "uncool", but 159% they also do a lot of neat things, like sing-alongs and flag 159% ceremonies. 159%Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is 159% important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals!... 159% except the weasels. 159%-- The morning after the Squishy bender, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 160%Bart: All I've got to do is take this uniform back after school. 160%Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers; _I_ got a 160% dirty word shaved into the back of my head. 160%Skinner: [gasps] What is it with you kids and that word? I'm going to 160% shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a 160% right: it's a privilege! 160%-- The curse of the toupee, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 161%Nelson: What's in the bag, wuss? [grabs it from Bart] 161% Oh, look: [contemptuously] Campers' Pampers. Heh. 161% [Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney appear, and the four bullies start to 161% play "Keepaway!"] 161%Bart: Yeah, whatever. [walks away] 161%Jimbo: [blocking his path] You better pretend you want your uniform 161% back, twerp! 161%Bart: [gulps] 161% [The bullies begin to play Keepaway again] 161%Bart: [half-hearted] Oh, no. Woe is me. My precious uniform. 161%-- Oozing sincerity, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 162%Edna: Guess what, class? 162%Martin: Time for a surprise quiz? 162%Edna: Well, that's not what I was going to say, but it's a good idea. 162% Hah! 162%-- Thank you, Mr. Prince, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 163%Edna: Take out a sheet of paper, books under your desk. 163%Warren: [whining] I'm supposed to -- I've got -- I'm supposed to -- 163%Edna: Oh, Warren, I nearly forgot. All Junior Campers are excused to 163% attend their patrol meeting. 163%Bart: [hastily putting on the uniform] Um, Mrs. Krabappel, I-I'd love 163% to stay, but this uniform carries certain responsibilities. 163%Nelson: Hey, look: sergeant Dork! Ha-ha! 163%Bart: [slyly] Enjoy your test. 163%Nelson: Ha-h -- [realizing] Aw! 163%-- Saved by the skin of his teeth, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 164%Bart: Hello, alternative to testing! 164% [Opens the door, sees Ned Flanders] Ohh... 164%Ned: Well, it's Bart Simpson...come on in! You're just in time for 164% "Sponge Bath the Old Folks" Day! 164%Jasper: Help yourself...but stay above the equator! 164%-- Frightening introductory activities, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 165%Ned: Well sir, just apply a smidgen of peanut butter to an ordinary 165% pinecone and you've got yourself a makeshift bird feeder, sir! 165%Bart: I'm outta here, man. [starts to leave] 165%Ned: OK, now everybody take out your Junior Campers' pocket-knives. 165%Bart: Huh? [excited] You guys get to play with knives? [grabs one of 165% the other kids' knives] Aw, cool: a spork! 165%Kid: Don't hurt me! 165%-- Bart at a Junior Campers meeting, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 166%Moe: When I say, "Put your beer on a coaster," I mean it! 166%Hans: You call that a knife? This is a knife! [pulls a huge blade from 166% his cane] 166% [It's too heavy for him to hold up] 166% [weakly] Ooh, down I go. 166%-- Crocodile Moleman, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 167%"Don't do what Donny Don't does"...[sighs] They could have made this 167%clearer. 167%-- Bart reads a knife safety book, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 168%Homer: [scoffing] Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, 168% boning up on his nerd lessons. 168%Marge: Homer, you should be more supportive. 168%Homer: You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. [ruffles his hair] 168% [Marge leaves] 168% [singing] Egghead likes his booky-books! 168%Marge: Homer! 168%Homer: Just tucking him in. 168%-- Homer, master of tolerance, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 169%Here you go: your rubber training knife. You've attained the rank of 169%"pussy willow"! 169%-- Ned to Bart the Junior Camper after Bart passes a knife safety test, 169% "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 170%Ned: Howdely-hey, Camper Bart. Ready for today's meeting? 170%Bart: You knowdely-know it, Neddy. 170%Ned: Okily dokily. 170%-- Bart learns Nedspeak, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 171%Ned: Our annual father-son rafting trip is next weekend. 171%Bart: [thinking] Oh no, me bring Homer on a rafting trip? 171% [In Bart's imagination, Homer wears a paper sailor hat and 171% faces the wrong way in the raft] 171%Homer: Duh, I'm the captain. My son is Bart. [splashes everyone 171% with his oar] 171%Father 1: What an oaf! 171%Father 2: How embarrassing. 171%Camper: Glad he's not _my_ father. 171%-- Nightmare rafting trips, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 172%Ned: Oh, Warren, I know your dad is in prison, but don't you fret! A 172% special celebrity dad has been arranged for you. 172%Warren: But -- my older brother would like -- 172%Ned: [cheerfully] Sorry, but I'm afraid Ernest Borgnine has already 172% been confirmed. 172% [Ernest Borgnine walks in laughing] 172%Ernest: Hiya! I'm sure you kids know me best as Sergeant Fatso Judson 172% in "From Here to Eternity". 172% [The kids except for Bart and Warren cheer] 172%-- Or not, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 173%Homer: How was jerk practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to 173% trees? And build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? 173% Huh? 173% [His chair collapses] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice. 173%Bart: Actually, we were just planning the father-son river rafting 173% trip. 173%Homer: Heh heh, you don't have a son. 173%-- People unclear on the concept, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 174%Bart: [to himself] Look, Homer won't want to go, so just ask 174% him and he'll say "No." Then it'll be his fault. 174%Homer: [to himself] I don't want to go, so if he asks me to go, 174% I'll just say, "Yes!" 174%Homer's brain: Wait! Are you sure that's how this sort of thing works? 174%Homer: Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-tip! 174%Bart: [through clenched teeth] Dad, I really want you to come 174% on this trip with me. 174%Homer: [through clenched teeth] Bart, I'd be delighted to go on 174% your trip with you. 174%Bart & Homer: D'oh! 174%-- The rafting trip showdown, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 175%McAllister: Arr, here be a fine vessel -- the yarest river-going boat 175% there be. 175%Homer: I'll take it! 175% [The raft sinks] 175%McAllister: [sadly] Arr, I don't know what I'm doing. 175%-- The truth comes out, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 176%Ned: Okey dokey, every dad find a partner. Two dads to a raft. 176% [All dads except Homer shake hands and smile at one another] 176%Homer: Please not Flanders, please not Flanders, please not Flanders -- 176%Ned: Well, Homer, looks like we're boat-buddies, huh? Want me to zinc 176% your sniffer? 176%-- A fate worse than death, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 177%Ned: Well, I guess now we know why they call them "rapids" and not 177% "slowpids", huh? 177%Bart: [appreciative] Ha, ha! 177%Homer: You are not my son! 177%-- Bart gets disowned in the raft, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 178%Ned: Now, what happened to that gosh-darn map I brought? 178% [said map is on Homer's head as a sailor's hat. It blows off] 178%Homer: Um, I dunno...but lucky for you _somebody_ here is responsible. 178% [pulls out a "Krusty Burger Fun Map"] 178% Hey, there's a _New_ Mexico. 178%-- Useful geography trivia, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 179% [Homer dances on a beach with ice cream cones and lollipops] 179%Homer: [singing] Sugar, do-do-do do, do do, 179% Oh, honey honey, do-do-do do, do do, 179% You are my candy girl... 179% [batteries in walkman run down] 179% Lousy piece of junk! [throws it into the water] 179%Todd: Hey...I got that for my birthday! 179%Homer: Now I have to face stupid reality again. 179%-- Homer's escapism, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 180%Homer: Flanders! My socks feel dirty. Give me some water to wash 180% them. 180%Flanders: Again? Homer, we have to ration the water carefully. It's 180% our only hope! 180%Homer: Oh, pardon me, Mr. "Let's ration everything", but what d'you 180% think we're floating on? Don't you know the poem? "Water, 180% water, everywhere, so let's all have a drink." 180%-- The Rime of the Modern Homer, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 181%Homer: Oh, what does it matter, we're doomed! 181% [a seagull flies into view] 181%Flanders: Wrong, we're saved! Seagulls always stay near land. They 181% only go out to sea to die! 181% [it squawks and spirals into the ocean] 181%Homer: [triumphant] Woo-hoo! See that, boy? Your old man was right, 181% not Flanders. We _are_ doomed! In your face, Flanders! 181%-- Extreme grudge-holding, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 182%Bart: A rescue plane! Get the flare gun! 182% [Flanders does so, but Homer grabs it] 182%Homer: This ain't one of your church picnic flare-gun firings, Flanders! 182% This is the real thing! 182% [He discharges the gun, and the flare hits the plane and 182% explodes] 182% D'oh! 182%-- Homer, Church of Armaments member, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 183%Ned: Oh, we're done for, we're done for, we're done diddely done 183% for, we're done diddely doodily, done diddely doodily, done 183% diddely doodily, done diddely doodily -- 183%Homer: [grabs him and slaps him] Flanders! Snap out of it! [slap!] 183%Ned: Thank you, Homer...I don't know what got -- [slap! slap! 183% slap!] 183%Bart: [grabbing Homer's arm] Dad, I think he's OK -- 183%Homer: [slap! slap! slap slap!] It's better [slap!] to be [slap!] 183% safe [slap!] than [slap!] sorry! [slap! slap! slap!] 183% [apologizing] Sorry. 183%Flanders: Diddely -- [slap!] 183%-- Violence solves everything, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 184%Homer: Son, there was something I was going to give you at the end of 184% this trip, but since we may not survive, I want you to have it 184% now. 184%Bart: [gasps] A real Swiss Army knife! Cool! 184%Homer: I stole it from that Borgnine guy. 184% [Scene switch to a ferocious bear] 184%Ernest: Don't worry, kids! I'll take care of him with my trusty... 184% [searches for his knife]...er, er, um, er, uh, hmm. 184%-- Who needed it more?, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 185%Dad, I know I've been a little hard on you the last couple of days. If 185%I had the strength to lift my arms, I'd give you a hug. 185%-- Bart to Homer as they near death, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 186%The foul stench of death is upon us! [sniffs] Mmm, hamburgers. 186%-- Homer's famous nearly-last words, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 187%Homer: According to this map, there's a Krusty Burger on an offshore 187% oil rig. 187%Flanders: That's what you're smelling, Homer! Oh, if it weren't for 187% this blasted fog, we'd be saved. 187%Homer: Never mind the fog! [sniffs] That way! Steer, there isn't 187% much time! 187%-- The nose knows, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 188%Krusty: Oh, I'm taking a bath on this. 188%Man: We tried to tell you, these are _unmanned_ oil rigs. 188%Krusty: Aw, close the damn thing down. No one's ever going to come. 188%Homer: [runs in] Give me seven hundred Krusty burgers! 188%Kid: You want fries with that? 188%-- Just in the nick of time, "Boy Scoutz N' the Hood" 189%Reporter: Ah. So, kids, caught anything? 189%Lisa: Not yet, sir. 189%Reporter: Uh huh. Uh, what are you using for bait? 189%Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility 189% far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing. 189%Reporter: I see. And what's your name, son? 189%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? 189%Reporter: Heh heh. I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's 189% on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk 189% that way to our elders. 189%Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir. 189% [catches something on the line, with appropriate `Hulp!' noises] 189% All right! We eat tonight! 189%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 190%Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole \\ 190%* Is Power Plant Responsible? \\ 190%Boy Was Using Five Pound Test And Ordinary Worms \\ 190%Sister Was Just There For The Tranquility 190%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines, 190% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 191%Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole? \\ 191%* Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap \\ 191%Count The Eyes, Mr. Burns! 191%-- The Springfield Shopper headlines, 191% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 192%Marge: Well, leave it to good ol' Mary Bailey to finally step in 192% and do something about that hideous genetic mutation. 192%Homer: [snort] Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find 192% better things to do with my time. 192%Marge: Like what? 192%Homer: Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday 192% back as separate paid holidays. `President's Day' [blows a raspberry] 192% What a rip-off! I bust my butt day in and day out... 192%Marge: You're late for work, Homer. 192%Homer: So? Someone'll punch in for me. 192%Lisa: Try not to spill anything, Dad. 192%Bart: Keep those mutants comin', Homer! 192%Homer: [sotto voce] I'll mutant you... 192%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 193%Hi, ho, faceless employees. 193%-- Monty Burns greets his faceless employees, 193% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 194%Hold me, Smithers. 194%-- Monty Burns, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 195%Okay, men. Geiger counters on. [Geiger counters go crazy] 195%-- The nuclear power plant inspection, 195% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 196%Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower. 196%-- The nuclear power plant inspection, 196% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 197%Plutonium rod used as paperweight. 197%-- The nuclear power plant inspection, 197% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 198%Homer: [wakes with a start] Aa! [twiddling levers wildly] 198% Uh, just resting my eyes! 198%Burns: Ah, well-done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee. 198%-- The nuclear power plant inspection, 198% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 199%Inspector: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy, 199% deplorable... 199%Burns: Oh, look! Some ... careless person has left thousands and 199% thousands of dollars just lying here on my ... coffee table. Uh, 199% Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we 199% return, the pile of money will be gone. 199% [leaves, waits, then returns] 199% Ooh. Look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are 199% still here. 199%Inspector: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying 199% to bribe me. 199%Burns: Is there some confusion about this? 199% [thrusting the money into the inspector's pockets] 199% Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo! 199%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection, 199% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 200%Burns: How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up? 200%Smithers: Approximately fifty-six million dollars, sir. 200%Burns: Fifty-six million! 200%Smithers: [cowering] Don't hit me, sir. 200%-- The nuclear power plant fails inspection, 200% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 201%Ooh! Cushy! 201%-- Homer sits in Monty Burns' car, 201% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 202%Burns: Do you realize how much it costs to run for office? 202% More than any honest many could afford! 202%Homer: I bet could afford it, though. 202%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 203%Marge: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family. 203%Homer: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her. 203%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 204%Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy! 204%-- Lisa, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 205%Now, here's the problem as I see it. 205%While Governor Bailey is belov\'ed by all, 205%ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse. 205%-- Monty Burns' political advisor, 205% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 206%Advisor: Their job is to turn this Mr. Burns... 206% [shows standard portrait of Monty Burns] 206% ... into this one. 206% [shows `artist's conception'.] 206%Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that? 206%Advisor: Because you're smiling! 206%Burns: Ah, excellent! 206% Yeah, this is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for. 206%-- Monty Burns runs for office, 206% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 207%Thank you for watching `Movie for a Dreary Afternoon'. 207%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 208%An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it? 208%-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 209%Marge: I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish. 209%Homer: Oh, Marge. What's the big deal? 209% I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion, 209% you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had. 209%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement, 209% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 210%Advisor: Now remember to smile. 210%Burns: [back to camera] I smiling. 210%Advisor: You'll have to do better than that. 210%Burns: [grunt, grunt] How's this? 210%Advisor: There you go! 210%Burns [front view, showing very slight grimace] 210% Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow! 210%-- Preparing for his campaign advertisement, 210% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 211%By the time this paid political announcement is done, every 211%Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state will be eating 211%out of my hands. [realizes the camera is on] Oh, hello, friends. 211%-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement, 211% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 212%But don't take word for it. 212%Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what thinks. 212%-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement, 212% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 213%So you're saying this fish may have an advantage over other fish. 213%It may be, in fact, a kind of `Super-Fish'! 213%-- Monty Burns presents his campaign advertisement, 213% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 214%This fish is a miracle of nature. With a taste that can't be beat. 214%[rubs his tummy] Mmm-mm! 214%-- Monty Burns neutralizes the fish story, 214% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 215%``Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Monty Burns.'' 215%-- Monty Burns' campaign song, 215% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 216%Wow! Super-Fish! 216%-- Barney, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 217%That Burns is just what this state needs: Young blood! 217%-- Abe, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 218%Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey. 218%Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster. 218%Homer: Oh, yeah? Well, a Burns Booster. 218% [pins on a Burns campaign button] Ow! 218%-- Watching Burns' campaign advertisement, 218% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 219%Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are 219% up six points. 219%Burns: Ah, giving me a total of... 219%Advisor: Six. 219%-- Burns runs for governor, 219% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 220%Mary Bailey: My worthy opponent thinks that the voters of this state 220% are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their 220% intelligence and good judgement. 220%Reporter: Interesting strategy. 220%-- The gubernatorial campaign, 220% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 221%Marge's sign: An Independent Voter for Bailey 221%Lisa's T-shirt: I wish I were old enough to vote for Bailey. 221%Bart's T-shirt: My dad told me to vote for Burns. 221%Homer's sign: I'm a fool for Burns. 221%-- The family takes sides in the gubernatorial campaign, 221% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 222%Burns: Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey? 222%Advisor 1: Well, we've gone through her garbage. 222%Advisor 2: We talked to her maid. 222%Advisor 1: And so far, the only negative thing we have found is 222% from some guy who dated her when she was 16. 222%Burns: Ah. And? 222%Advisor 2: He, uh, he felt her up. 222%Burns: Bah! Not good enough! 222%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 223%Bart: Is your boss governor yet? 223%Homer: Not yet, son, not yet. 223%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 224%Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like. 224%Burns: Hot dog! 224%Advisor: But there's a down-side to it. 224% The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with 224% the common man. 224%Burns: Oh, dear! Heaven forfend! 224%-- Burns runs for governor, 224% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 225%Homer: Oh! Great toast, Marge! 225% Oh, by the way, the night before the election, Mr. Burns is 225% coming over for dinner. 225%Marge: What!? 225%Homer: Oh, and some reporters and a camera crew, but you don't have to 225% feed them. 225%Bart: Cool, man! A media circus! 225%Marge: Absolutely not! 225%Homer: Come on, Marge! 225%Marge: Mm mm. I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night. 225%Homer: D'oh! Kids, pleases leave the room. I don't want you to see this. 225%Bart: Uh-oh. [Bart, Lisa, and Maggie zip away] 225%Homer: [on his knees] Please please please please please please please please 225% please please... 225%-- The power of persuasion, 225% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 226%Advisor: Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime 226% tomorrow? 226%Lisa: ``Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway 226% freight train. Why are you so popular?'' 226%Advisor: Very good. 226%Lisa: Mm. Well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage 226% my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one 226% day render it uninhabitable? 226%Advisor: No, dear. The card question'll be fine. 226%Marge: Well, I think the non-card question is a valid... 226%Homer: Marge! ... Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure 226% she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow. 226%-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt, 226% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 227%Mr. Burns wants you to appear veeeery affectionate towards him. 227%But we must remind you, he hates being touched. 227%-- Preparing for Burns' visit as part a campaign publicity stunt, 227% ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 228%Homer: Marge, get back in bed. 228%Marge: [on the floor] No, I'm just fine right here. 228%Homer: What's wrong? I just want to snuggle. 228%Marge: I don't feel like snuggling. 228%Homer: What's that got to do with it? 228%-- Apparently, not much, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 229%Bad dog! Bad... neighbor dog! 229%-- Homer, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 230%Dear God: We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing. 230%-- Bart says Grace, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 231%Lisa, you're learning many valuable lessons tonight. and 231%one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt. 231%-- Marge, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 232%YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS! 232%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 233%Burns: [smashes some pictures] [tries to overturn a table, but can't] 233% Smithers, turn over this table for me. 233%Smithers: Yes, sir. [does so] 233%-- A friend in need, ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 234%Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the 234% election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to 234% go to jail. That's democracy for you. 234%Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir. 234%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 235%Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? Oh, no! I don't like 235% the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing 235% to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't 235% you make it better, huh? 235%Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on 235% dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on 235% weekends, no one man can destroy them. 235%Homer: Hey, you did it! [big smooch] [snuggling occurs and credits go up] 235%-- ``Two Cars in Every Garage, Three Eyes on Every Fish'' 236%TV host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota was named for what German ruler? 236%Homer: Hitler! 236%Marge: [coming in with food] Hitler, North Dakota? 236%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah'' 237%TV host: The colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what? 237%[all four simultaneously] 237%Bart: Blue! Orange! Red! Purple! 237%Patty: [bored] Green. 237%Selma: [bored] Green. 237%Homer: Yellow! Red! White! Black! Green! 237%Contestant: [pause] Green. 237%Homer: I was right! 237%-- watching `Grade School Challenge', ``Simpson and Delilah'' 238%Dimoxinil can help me grow as much, or as little, hair as I want to. 238%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 239%For your free brochure send five dollars to Dimoxinil, 485 Hair Plaza, 239%Hair City, Utah. 239%-- advertisement for a hair restoration treatment, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 240%Marge, weren't you listening? This is a miracle breakthrough! 240%Not one of these cheapo sucker deals! [tosses a cheapo sucker hair restoration 240%product in the trash] 240%-- Hope springs eternal in Homer, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 241%We do have a product that is more in your price range. However, I must 241%assure you that any hair growth you experience while using it will be 241%purely coincidental. 241%-- ``Dr. H'', ``Simpson and Delilah'' 242%Homer: [breaks down in tears] Of all the rip-off, screw job, chip joint... 242% [gets up] Forget you pal... [sobbing] thanks for nothing. 242% [leaves, crying] 242%[at the nuclear plant] 242%Homer: So I say, [angrily] Forget you, pal! Thanks for nothing! 242% And I storm right out of there. 242%-- A matter of perpective, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 243%Dry fish-sticks! This sucks! 243%-- Homer complains about cafeteria fare, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 244%Worker: Quit complaining, chrome-dome. 244%Homer: D'oh! If I had hair, you wouldn't be calling me that! 244%-- ``Simpson and Delilah'' 245%Why should you get nothing, while some guy who loses a finger hits the 245%jackpot? 245%-- One of Homer's coworkers cajoles him into filing a false medical insurance 245% form, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 246%Dear God, give a bald guy a break. Amen. 246%-- Homer's hairful prayer, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 247%Homer: Good morning, Moe's Tavern! 247%Barney: Hey, it's the president! 247%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 248%Marge: Just between us girls, he hasn't been this frisky in years! 248%Patty: [grunt] I don't want to think about it. 248%Homer: [from offscreen] Daddy's home, sugar! 248%Marge: [goes offscreen to greet him] 248%Homer: Come here, you.. heh heh heh. 248%Marge: Oh, Ooh! 248%-- ``Simpson and Delilah'' 249%Patty: This is Homer? Oh, my! 249%Selma: [grunt] Patty, stop drooling. 249%Patty: Look who's talking. 249%-- Homer gets hair, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 250%Burns: None of these cretins deserves a promotion! 250%Smithers: It's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within 250% per year. 250%Burns: [indicating the security monitor] Wait, who's that young go-getter? 250%Smither: Well, it sort of looks like [chuckle] Homer Simpson, only more 250% dynamic and resourceful. 250%Burns: Simpson, eh? 250%-- ``Simpson and Delilah'' 251%Attention Homer Simpson. You have been promoted. You are now an executive. 251%Take three minutes to say good-bye to your former friend and report to 251%room 503 for reassignment to a better life. 251%-- Smither's PA announcement, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 252%Well, your resume [pronounced ree-zoom] seems good enough... 252%-- Homer interviews for a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 253%Karl: You don't belong here. You're a fraud and a phony, and it's 253% only a matter of time until they find you out. 253%Homer: Gasp! Who told you? 253%Karl: You did. You told with me with the way you slump your shoulders, 253% the way you talk into your chest, the way you smother yourself 253% in bargain-basement lime-green polyester. 253%-- Homer hires a secretary, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 254%Smithers: Our first issue, sir, is our low productivity and record high 254% worker accident rate. 254%Burns: [expels breath] Any suggestions? 254%Advisor1: A round of layoffs might wake up the idiots. 254%Advisor2: We could put caffeine in the water cooler. 254%-- ``Simpson and Delilah'' 255%Burns: How would you improve the worker situation? 255%Homer: Well, sir, for one thing, we have a problem every Tuesday when 255% the cafeteria would serve fish sticks... 255%Burns: Fish sticks!? What in blazes are you talking about? 255%Homer: Well, sir, they cut the head off the fish, then chop up the rest of 255% the sticks [sic]. Then they put seasoned breadcrumbs on it... 255%-- Haven't I heard this joke before? ``Simpson and Delilah'' 256%Let them have their tar-tar sauce! 256%-- Burns implements Homer's plan, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 257%You know, sir, accidents decreased by exactly the number that Simpson himself 257%is known or suspected to have caused last month. And our output level is 257%just as high as during Simpson's last vacation. 257%-- Smithers, on Homer's promotion, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 258%Oh, hey ho, men. You know, I was watching the Dumont last night, when 258%I happened to catch a fascinating documentary on Rommel, the Desert Fox... 258%-- Mr. Burns emerges from a bathroom stall, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 259%Hm... $1000? Dimoxinil? ``To keep brain from freezing''? 259%-- Smithers finds Homer's phony medical insurance form, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 260%Homer: [kindly] And what does my little girl want? 260%Lisa: An absence of mood swings and some stability in my life. 260%Homer: Uh... How about a pony? 260%Lisa: Okay! 260%-- ``Simpson and Delilah'' 261%Smithers: One of your executives has bilked the company insurance plan 261% out of $1000. 261%Burns: What!? Blast his hide to Hades! [thunder roars outside] 261% And I was going to buy that ivory back-scratcher... 261%-- ``Simpson and Delilah'' 262%Homer: [strangles Bart] Boy must die! 262%Bart: I love you, Dad! 262%Homer: D'oh! [lets him go] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, 262% but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the 262% rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your 262% family, and baldness is hereditary! 262%Bart: It is!? 262%-- Bart spills the Dimoxinil, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 263%Dad is taking this in less than a heroic fashion. 263%-- Lisa observes Homer, reduced to blubbering when he realizes he's doomed, 263% ``Simpson and Delilah'' 264%Homer: [picks up a note] 264%Karl's voice: Dear Mr. Simpson, I've taken the liberty of preparing your 264% speech on the enclosed 3x5 cards. All the big words are spelled 264% phonetically 264%Homer: Phonanetically. 264%Karl's voice: God bless you. You are one of Springfield's very special 264% creatures. [camera pulls back to reveal Karl is standing there] 264% Your obedient servant, Karl. ... Good luck, sir. 264%Homer: [startles] Karl, so that just a sweet voice I heard inside 264% my head. 264%-- ``Simpson and Delilah'' 265%Homer: I'm just a big fool. 265%Karl: Oh no, you're not. 265%Homer: How do you know? 265%Karl: Because my mother taught me never to kiss a fool! [smack] 265%Homer: [somewhat surprised] Karl! 265%Karl: Now go get 'em, tiger! 265%Homer: [roar!] 265%Karl: [pats Homer's behind as he leaves] 265%-- ``Simpson and Delilah'' 266%Homer: [ahem] A lot of you would think I was crazy if I did this. 266% [burns a dollar bill] 266%Burns: He's crazy! 266%-- Homer gives a speech, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 267%Some nerve, telling us how to run the plant. He doesn't even have hair! 267%-- Executive watches Homer's presentation, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 268%[card #56 reads: ``And the long-term benefits more than offset the 268%one-time costs, for a net savings of $526,000.'' 268%Homer: And the long-term benefits more than offset the one-time costs, for 268% a net savings of... fuh, five thousand, two eh hundred and... 268% lots of money... 268%-- Homer's failed speech, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 269%Burns: Simpson, how old do you think I am? 269%Homer: I dunno. A hundred and two? 269%Burns: [sadly] I'm only eighty-one... 269%-- Missed it by that much, ``Simpson and Delilah'' 270%Burns: I'm giving you your old job back. 270%Homer: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! 270%Burns: Now get out of here before I reconsider. 270%Homer: Oh. Better hurry up. 270%-- ``Simpson and Delilah'' 271%Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled! [walks to the front of the room] 271%Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I 271%read was . It's about these... [describing the book jacket] 271%pirates. Pirates... with patches over their eyes... and... shiny gold 271%teeth... and green birds on their shoulders... [pause] 271%Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Lewis Stevenson? 271%And published by the good people at McGraw Hill. So, in conclusion, 271%on the Simpson scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, one being 271%the lowest, and five being average, I give this book... a nine. 271%Any questions? [hands go up] Nope? Then I'll just sit down. 271%-- Bart's book report, ``Bart Gets an F'' 272%Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt? 272%-- Bart takes offence when Mrs.K accuses him of not reading the book 272% he is doing a report on, ``Bart Gets an F'' 273%I will not fake my way through life. 273%-- Bart's blackboard punishment, ``Bart Gets an F'' 274%Ms. K: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. 274% Are you aware of that? 274%Bart: Yes, ma'am. 274%Ms. K: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America? 274%Bart: Yes, ma'am. 274%Ms. K: Blah blah, blah-blah. Blah blah blah blah blah? 274%Bart: Yes, ma'am. 274%Ms. K: Blah blah. Blah-blah blah, blah blah blah. 274%Bart: Yes, ma'am. 274%Ms. K: Bart! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you. 274%Bart: Yes, ma'am. 274%Ms. K: Well, then what did I say? 274%Bart: Uhhhhhh... Straighten up and fly right? 274%Ms. K: Pah! That was a lucky guess. 274%-- Yes, ma'am, ``Bart Gets an F'' 275%Homer: Marge, could you get me another beer, please. 275%Marge: Just a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news. 275%Lisa: He doesn't care, Mom. 275%Homer: Sure I do! I just want to have a beer while I'm caring. 275%-- It's like walking and chewing gum, ``Bart Gets an F'' 276%Homer: Pssst. Marge, come take a look at this. 276% [Bart has fallen asleep at his desk] 276%Marge: Oh... the little tiger tries so hard. 276% Why does he keep failing? 276%Homer: Just a little dim, I guess. 276%-- Like father, like son, ``Bart Gets an F'' 277%Bart: [reading his history book while boarding the bus] 277%Otto: Hey, Bart-dude! Whoa, you look freaked! 277%Bart: Hey, Otto-man. I got a big test today I am ready for. 277% Could you please crash the bus or something? 277%Otto: Oh-ho, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. 277% But, hey! Maybe you'll get lucky! 277%-- ``Bart Gets an F'' 278%Bart: Good morning, girls! 278%Sherry+Terry: Good morning, Bart! 278%Bart: Say... Who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. 278% What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat? 278%Sherry: The Spirit of St. Louis. 278%Bart: [taking notes] And where'd they land? 278%Terry: Sunny Acapulco. 278%Bart: And why'd they leave England? 278%Sherry: Giant rats. 278%Bart: Cool! History's coming alive! 278%-- ``Bart Gets an F'' 279%Ms. K: All right, class, take one and pass the rest back. [hands out exams] 279%Bart: [to himself] Think, Simpson, think. Crisis brings out the best in you. 279% [convulses and collapses on the floor, moaning] 279%Ms. K: Ugh. What is it, Bart. 279%Bart: [climbing back to his seat] Nothing... Must... take... test... 279% [falls back to the floor] 279%-- Bart the Thespian, ``Bart Gets an F'' 280%Nurse: [concerned] What's the matter, son? 280%Bart: [clutching his stomach] Sharp, stabbing pains... in my stomach. 280%Nurse: Oh dear, I've heard of this... [consults a medical reference book, 280% opens to the page ``Amoria Phlebitis''] 280% Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm? 280%Bart: [waving his arms] Both arms, ma'am. 280%Nurse: Temporary loss of vision? 280%Bart: [blindly] Huh? Who said that? Come closer... 280%-- Live from the Improv, ``Bart Gets an F'' 281%I wish had Amoria Phlebitis... 281%-- Homer, ``Bart Gets an F'' 282%Lisa: Everyone knows you're faking it, Bart. 282%Bart: Well, everyone better keep their mouth shut. 282%-- ``Bart Gets an F'' 283%Ms. K: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I think you know our district psychiatrist 283% Dr. J. Loren Pryor. 283%Homer: Hey, Dr. J. 283%Dr. J: [ahem] I think we have on our hands here a classic case of what 283% laymen refer to as fear of failure. As a result Bart is an 283% underachiever and yet he seems to be... How shall I put this... 283% proud of it? 283%Homer: Hmmm. 283%Dr. J: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead 283% to blah blah blah blah... 283%Homer: Uh-huh. 283%Dr. J: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... 283%Homer: Mmmm... 283%-- Bart is close to failing fourth grade, ``Bart Gets an F'' 284%Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? 284%-- Bart learns he might be held back a grade, ``Bart Gets an F'' 285%As God as my witness, I can pass the fourth grade! 285%-- Bart, ``Bart Gets an F'' 286%Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes! 286%Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw 286% stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns. 286%Otto: Heh, damn thing nevers goes over, does it? [unintelligible 286% `ga-hah' noise] So what's in your head, little man? 286%Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently. 286%Otto: Yeah huh... 286%Bart: And, now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade 286% if I don't shape up. 286%Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing 286% that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself, 286% twice! Look at me, man! Now I the school bus! 286%-- ``Bart Gets an F'' 287%Bart: I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much. 287%Martin: They... laugh at me? I've always considered myself rather popular. 287%Bart: You're not. Watch. [pushes Martin down, crowd laughs] 287%Martin: But... but my speed with numbers... [Bart helps Martin to his feet] 287% my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas? 287% These things mean nothing to them? 287%Bart: Perhaps another demonstration. [pushes him down again, more laughs] 287%-- ``Bart Gets an F'' 288%No study area is complete without adequate plant life. 288%-- Martin, ``Bart Gets an F'' 289%Martin: [takes a seat at the front of the bus] 289%Bart: No! 289%Martin: No? 289%Bart: Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, you sit in the 289% back row. And that's just on the bus, it goes for school and 289% church, too. 289%Martin: Why? 289%Bart: [mezzo voce] So no one can see what you're doing! 289%Martin: Ooooh.. I think I understand... [grabs pencil, starts writing] 289% the potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity 289% to the authority figure! [Shows his equation to Bart: 289% \math M \propto 1/P \math] 289%Bart: Well, yeah, but don't say it like that... 289%-- Bart helps Martin shed his poindexter image, ``Bart Gets an F'' 290%Pretty soon, you will be ready to try it with a book! 290%-- Martin watches Bart with a highlighter pen and a `book', ``Bart Gets an F'' 291%Who would have ever thought that pushing a boy into the girl's lavatory 291%could be such a thrill! The screams! The humiliation! The fact that 291%it wasn't me! 291%-- Martin joins Bart and friends, ``Bart Gets an F'' 292%Bart: [praying] Well, old timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know 292% I haven't always been a good kid, but, if I have to go to school 292% tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back. I just need one more 292% day to study, Lord. I need Your help! 292%Lisa: [watching] Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel. 292%Bart: A teachers strike, a power failure, a blizzard... Anything that'll 292% cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do 292% it, You can! Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson. 292%-- ``Bart Gets an F'' 293%Bart: [running towards door with sled; goggles on head] Cowabunga! 293%Marge: Remember to take a break if your arms go numb! 293%Bart: [rushes for the front door. Lisa's ominous shadow blocks the way] Hey! 293%Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your 293% prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian; I don't know who or 293% what God is exactly, all I know is He's a force more powerful than Mom 293% and Dad put together, and you owe Him big. [shuts the door] 293%Bart: You're right. [removes goggles, hands them to Lisa] 293% I asked for a miracle, and I got it. I gotta study, man! 293% [goes upstairs to his room] 293% I'm not missing anything... frozen earlobes, trudging up that 293% stupid sledhill over and over again... How good could it be? 293% [looks out window...] 293%-- ``Bart Gets an F'' 294%Burns: I was never one to back away from a snowball fight! 294% Smithers, you may fire at will! 294%Smithers: Certainly, sir. 294%-- Snow Day, ``Bart Gets an F'' 295%I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day, the funnest day in the history of 295%Springfield! 295%-- Diamond Joe Quimby, ``Bart Gets an F'' 296%Th. Jefferson: We hold these truths to be self-evident... 296%Bart: [to himself] We hold these truths to be self-evident... 296% We hold these truths to be self-evident... 296%Th. Jefferson: That all men are created equal. 296%Bart: [to himself] That all men are created equal... 296%Th. Jefferson: And from that equal creation they derive rights inherent 296% and inalienable... 296%Delegate: [glances out the window, points] 296% Hey, look, everybody! It's snowing! 296%Delegate: In the middle of July? 296%Al. Hamilton: It's a miracle! 296%Ben Franklin: [comes in, shakes snow off his wig] 296% Fellas, I've invented something fun! The sled! 296% [all the delegates (except Bart) rush outside to play] 296%Delegate: [o.s.] Hey, look everybody! 296% John Hancock's writing his name in the snow! 296%-- Trying to study during a snow day, ``Bart Gets an F'' 297%You wanna be held back a grade? Concentrate, man! 297%-- Bart, slapping himself, trying to study, ``Bart Gets an F'' 298%Bart: I... passed? 298%Ms. K: Just barely! 298%Bart: Gasp! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! [crying tears of joy] 298% All right! [kisses Ms. Krabappel and dances out of the classroom] 298% I passed, I passed, I passed, I passed! I got a D-! I passed! 298% [showing off his exam to anyone and everyone] 298% I got a D-! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! 298% I passed! I... ... ... kissed the teacher! Yuck! Ptuu! Ick! 298%-- Bart rejoices when he passes his test, ``Bart Gets an F'' 299%Homer: We're proud of you, boy! 299%Bart: Thanks Dad. But part of this D minus belongs to God... 299%-- Posting Bart's test on the refrigerator, ``Bart Gets an F'' 300%Hello everyone. You know, Hallowe'en is a very strange holiday. Personally, 300%I don't understand it. Mm mm... Kids worshipping ghosts, pretending to be 300%devils. Oooh, things on TV that are inappropriate for younger 300%viewers. Things like the following half hour. Nothing seems to bother 300%kids. But tonight's show, which I totally wash my hands of, is really scary. 300%So if you have sensitive children, maybe you should tuck them into bed 300%early tonight instead of writing us angry letters tomorrow. Thanks for 300%your attention. 300%-- Marge's disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Terror'' 301%Ooh, what a haul this year. I Hallowe'en! 301%-- Homer returns from a night of trick-or-treating, ``Treehouse of Terror'' 302%Prime location, eighteen bedrooms, moat... 302%-- Marge admires the family's new mansion, 302% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 303%House: Geeettt ooouuuttt... 303%Marge: What on earth was that? 303%Homer: Probably just the house settling. 303%-- The Simpsons buy a haunted house, 303% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 304%Mm... This kitchen could use a woman's touch. 304%-- Marge discovers a blood-covered kitchen in their new home, 304% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 305%Lisa: It looks like a vortex. A gateway into another dimension. 305%Homer: Oooh, a vortex. [takes an orange and tosses it in] Catch! 305% [the orange disappears with a pop] 305% Heeeeey! Pretty slick! 305% [a crumpled-up piece of paper comes back] 305%Lisa: [reads the message] ``Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension.'' 305%-- ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 306%Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension. 306%-- A message from the beyond, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 307%Lisa: I can feel an evil presence in this house. 307%Marge: Evil!? 307%Homer: Quiet, Lisa. You're scaring your mother. 307%-- First things first, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 308%It's only natural there be things wrong with an old house like this. 308%It's a fixer-upper! 308%-- Homer explains the family's new (haunted) house, 308% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 309%House: They are all against you, Bart... You must kill them all... 309% They all must die... 309%Bart: Are you my conscience? 309%House: I... [pause] ... Yes, I am. 309%-- A conversation with the... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 310%This family's had its differences, and we've squabbled, 310%but we never had knife fights before. 310%-- Marge, after the infamous knife scene, 310% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 311%Lisa: It's an ancient Indian burial ground... 311%Bart: Man, this place has got everything! 311%-- ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 312%Mr. Bloot? Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to 312%mention one little thing: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS BUILT ON AN INDIAN BURIAL 312%GROUND! ... NO YOU DIDN'T! ... Well, that's not recollection. ... 312%Yeah? Well, all right, goodbye! [angrily hangs up] He said he mentioned 312%it five or six times. 312%-- Homer, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 313%You will diiiiieeeee. You will die slowwwwwwwly. 313%Your stomach will swelllllllll, your intestines will wriiiithe and booooil. 313%Your eeeeeyes will buuuuurn. And some horrible stuuuuuuuff, possibly 313%your braiiiiin, will start coming out through your noooooooose. 313%-- A house that knows how to get its point across, 313% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Horror'' 314%Bart: Do it again! 314%House: What? 314%Bart: Make the walls bleed. 314%House: No! 314%Bart: Hey, man, we own you. Let's see some blood! 314%House: I don't have to entertain . 314%Bart: Come on, man, do it. Do the blood thing. Come on, do it. 314% Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it! 314%-- Bart talks to the ... ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 315%Hm... Life with the Simpsons. What choice do I have? [self-destructs] 315%-- The House, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 316%Bitchin'! 316%-- Bart watches the house self-destruct, 316% ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 317%It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. One can't help but 317%feel a little rejected. 317%-- Lisa, ``Bad Dream House'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 318%Alien: Greetings. I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm. 318%Marge: You, you speak English. 318%Alien: I am actually speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence, 318% both of our languages are exactly the same. 318%-- The Simpsons are abducted by aliens, 318% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 319%Look, I know that to you, we Simpsons are a lower order of life. 319%We face that prejudice every day of our lives... 319%-- Lisa pleads for mercy from the aliens, 319% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 320%Radish rosettes! These are hard to make. They're a very advanced race. 320%-- Marge admires the aliens' food, 320% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 321%Alien: [drooling] Your wife is quite a... dish. 321%Homer: Oooh, thanks. 321%-- ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 322%Alien: On this cable system, we receive over one million channels from the 322% furthest reaches of the galaxy. 322%Bart: Do you get HBO? 322%Alien: No, that would cost extra. 322%-- Showing the flying saucer's entertainment center, 322% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 323%Alien 1: Anyone from a species that has mastered intergalactic travel 323% raise your hand. [raises his tentacle] 323%Alien 2: [raises his tentacle] 323%Bart: [raises his hand] 323%Homer: [slaps Bart's hand] 323%Alien 1: All right, then. 323%Marge: I'm sorry. Your game is very nice. 323%-- After the Simpsons chuckle at the `Pong' video game on the UFO, 323% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 324%Nobody, but NOBODY eats the Simpsons! 324%-- Homer, ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 325%Alien: We offered you paradise. You would have experienced emotions 325% a hundred times greater than what you call love. And a thousand 325% times greater than what you call fun. You would have been treated 325% like gods and lived forever in beauty. But, now, because of your 325% distrustful nature, that can never be. 325%Marge: [aside] Mmmm. For a superior race, they really rub it in. 325%-- ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 326%Lisa, see what we mean when we say you're too smart for your own good? 326%-- Marge, after Lisa ruins things yet again, 326% ``Hungry Are the Damned'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 327%Narrator: While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 327% As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 327%Homer: 'Tis some visiter, 327%Narrator: I muttered, 327%Homer: tapping at my chamber door--- 327% Only this and nothing more. 327%Bart: Are we scared yet? 327%-- Lisa reads ``The Raven'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 328%Narrator: Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, 328%Homer: Sir, 328%Narrator: said I, 328%Homer: or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; 328% But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, 328% And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, 328% That I scarce was sure I heard you 328%Narrator: ---here I opened wide the door;--- 328%Homer: [throws open the door and covers his eyes] 328%Bart: [impatiently] This better be good. 328%Homer: [peeks through his fingers] 328%Narrator: Darkness there and nothing more. 328%Homer: Huh? 328%-- ``The Raven'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 329%Homer: Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou, 329%Narrator: I said, 329%Homer: art sure no craven, 329% Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore--- 329% Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore! 329%Narrator: Quoth the Raven 329%Bart/Raven: Eat my shorts! 329%-- ``The Raven'' in ``Treehouse of Terror'' 330%Bart: Lisa, that wasn't scary. Not even for a poem. 330%Lisa: Well it was written in 1845. Maybe people were easier to 330% scare back then. 330%Bart: Oh, yeah. Like when you look at ``Friday the Thirteenth, Part 1''. 330% Pretty tame by today's standards. 330%-- Lisa reads ``The Raven'', ``Treehouse of Terror'' 331%Homer: There's only one thing worse than being a loser. It's being one 331% of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of how he became 331% a loser, and I never want that to happen to me. 331%Barney: Please, Homer? 331%Moe: Yeah, come on, Homer. 331%Homer: Well, okay. 331%-- Homer becomes one of those guys who sits in a bar telling a story of 331% how he became a loser, ``Dancin' Homer'' 332%[police sirens wail in the distance] 332%Heh, I think we lost 'em. Hey, and we're at the ballpark! Awright! 332%Two birds with one stone! 332%-- Otto drives the bus to the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer'' 333%Homer: You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it 333% to the big leagues someday. 333%Bart: What? Aren't we going to see any washed-up major-leaguers? 333%Homer: Sure! We get a nice mix here. 333%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer'' 334%Marge: Last year you got a little rambunction and mooned the poor umpire. 334%Homer: Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it also gives me the 334% right, no, the duty! to make a complete ass of myself. 334%Marge: Mph. 334%-- At the ballpark to watch the local minor league team, ``Dancin' Homer'' 335%Burns: Ah, the Gammels. Good to see you. 335%Mr.G.: You're an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir. 335%Burns: Well, take your mind off contaminants for one night and have a hot dog! 335% [laughs] 335%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night 335% ``Dancin' Homer'' 336%Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps! 336%Homer: Uh, it's Simp-son, sir. 336%Burns: Eh? [refers to the index card] Oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. 336% Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and uh, `expecting'. 336%-- At Nuclear Plant Employees, Spouses, and No More Than Three Children Night 336% ``Dancin' Homer'' 337%Marge: Here you go, Bart. 337%Bart: [reads the inscription] Springfield Kozy Kourt Motel, Room 26, 337% How about it? -- Flash. 337%Homer: Wow! Flash Baylor came onto my wife! You've still got the magic, 337% Marge. 337%-- Marge gets a baseball autographed, ``Dancin' Homer'' 338%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight's first ball, 338% the man whose name is synonymous with our nation's safest 338% and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns! 338% [isolated smatterings of applause] 338%Smithers: Oh, they love you, sir. 338%-- At the ballpark, ``Dancin' Homer'' 339%Ah, sitting with the employees. I guess this proves I'm their friend. 339%Tsk, get me something on an aisle, Smithers, I don't want to be 339% by them... 339%-- Monty Burns joins his employees at the ball game, ``Dancin' Homer'' 340%Wait a minute, we're not having a drug test tomorrow, are we? 340%-- Homer suspects a trap when Burns buys him a beer at the ball game, 340% ``Dancin' Homer'' 341%Big Bill McCloskey coming up. As soon as he pops out, we'll go right to the 341%post-game show. 341%-- Dan Horde calls the game between the 'Topes and Shelbyville, 341% ``Dancin' Homer'' 342%And I got up in front of them. I felt an intoxication that had nothing to 342%do with alcohol. It was the intoxication of being a public spectacle! 342%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' 343%Our lives have taken an odd turn. 343%-- Lisa comments on Homer's goofy costume as... ``Dancin' Homer'' 344%Homer: Don't fill up on those vegetables, kids. Save room for your nachos! 344%Lisa+Bart: All right! 344%Marge: [disapprovingly] Mmm. 344%-- Homer takes the kids to the ballpark dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer'' 345%For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, 345%they were laughing me! 345%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' 346%A Simpson on a T-shirt. I never thought I'd see the day... 346%-- Marge reacts disapprovingly to Homer's likeness on a T-shirt, 346% ``Dancin' Homer'' 347%S! P! R! I! N! G! F! E! E! L! D!! Springfield!!!!! 347%-- Homer spells out the town name while dressed as... ``Dancin' Homer'' 348%Tex: Why don't you talk it over with your family? 348%Homer: Because they might say no. 348%-- Homer learns he's being promoted to work for the Capital City team, 348% ``Dancin' Homer'' 349%This was the biggest decision the Simpsons ever faced. 349%I should've listened to the kids instead of my big, dumb wife. 349%Oh, I shouldn't have called her that. 349%Bite my tongue. Bite my tongue. Mmph. Ow! 349%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' 350%Lisa: I can't leave Springfield! 350% I was born here and I thought I would die here! 350%Homer: It won't be so bad. You'll die someplace else. 350%-- On moving to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer'' 351%We're simple people with simple values. Capital City is too big and 351%too complex. Everyone in Springfield knows us and has forgiven us. 351%-- Lisa lists some reasons not to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer'' 352%Whatever doesn't kill me can only make me stronger! 352%-- Lisa gives in and agrees to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer'' 353%Sure, what would you like? Four years? Five years. 353%-- Homer's supervisor grants him a leave of absence, ``Dancin' Homer'' 354%Ned: I don't know how to say this, but uh... 354%Homer: Oh, knock it off, Flanders; don't start blubbering on me. 354% I'll miss you too.... [aside] not. 354%-- Homer prepares to move to Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer'' 355%Lisa: I can't help but fell that if we had gotten to know each other 355% better, my leaving would actually have meant something. 355%Friends: Yeah. 355%-- Lisa bids farewell to her classmates, ``Dancin' Homer'' 356%Kids, look! Street crime! 356%-- Homer drives the family through Capital City, ``Dancin' Homer'' 357%Bart was strangely quiet. Later, he explained he was confused by feelings 357%of respect for me. It wouldn't last. 357%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' 358%Goof: What exactly do you have planned for us? 358%Homer: Well, I get up and dance, and I spell out the name of the city, 358% all to the tune of `Baby Elephant Walk'. 358%Goof: Ah, Mancini. The mascot's best friend. 358%-- Homer and the Capital City Goofball plan their strategy, ``Dancin' Homer'' 359%Well, hello again, everybody. Dave Glass talking at ya. 359%We've got great weather here tonight, under the dome... 359%-- Calling the baseball game, ``Dancin' Homer'' 360%Homer: [narrating] I was too tense to enjoy the game. Every ounce of 360% concentration I possessed was focused on the task at hand. 360%Vendor: Red hots! Getcher red hots here! 360%Homer: Ooh, red hots! 360%-- ``Dancin' Homer'' 361%Oh, what a family. My wife and kids stood by me. On the way home, I 361%realized how little that helped... 361%-- Homer narrates his story, ``Dancin' Homer'' 362%Live, from the Springfield Center for the Performing Arts, 362%the wrestling match of the century! 362%-- Announcer, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 363%Announcer: Rasputin, the friendly Russian! 363%Lewis: Didn't he use to be the Mad Russian? 363%Lisa: Yes, but I'm afraid the forces of history have changed 363% wrestling, perhaps forever. 363%-- ``Bart the Daredevil'' 364%Bart: [in the Simpsons' living room, watching a wrestling match] \\ 364% If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match. 364%Lisa: Oh, Bart, I hope you're not taking this seriously. 364% Even a 5-year-old knows that this is as choreographed as any ballet! 364%Homer: [in Moe's tavern] \\ 364% Eh, Rasputin's got the reach, but on the other hand, 364% the Professor's got his patented coma lock. 364% If you ask me, this is going to be one helluva match. 364%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 365%Rasputin is spinning the professor like an autogyro. 365%That's to be disorienting... 365%-- Announcer for wrestling match, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 366%If you miss this, you'd better be dead... or in jail... 366%And if you're in jail, break out! 366%-- Announcer for ``Truck-o-Saurus'', ``Bart the Daredevil'' 367%Homer: I have an announcement to make. As a family growth thing, Bart and 367% I think we should all go to the monster truck rally this Saturday. 367%Lisa: Aren't you forgetting something? 367%Homer: Uh... Monster truck rally... Growth thing. No, I don't think so. 367%-- at the dinner table, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 368%I'll be playing my first solo! If you miss it on Saturday, 368%I'd advise you to start looking for a child therapist on Sunday. 368%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 369%Oh cruel Fate! Why do you mock me? 369%-- Homer, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 370%Skinner: Tonight, Sherberts, oops, heh heh, Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. 370%Homer: Oh good, unfinished. This shouldn't take long. 370%Marge: Mmmmm. 370%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 371%Flanders: [weeping at his son's solo] My son! My son! 371%Homer: Come on Flanders, he's not bad. 371%-- music recital, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 372%I reached him! 372%-- Lisa, on Homer humming the 1812 Overture while driving recklessly, 372% ``Bart the Daredevil'' 373%Let the destruction begin! 373%-- Homer, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 374%The world's greatest daredevil, the man who's no stranger to danger, 374%if he's not in action, he's in traction... Captain Lance Murdoch! 374%-- Announcer at Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 375%Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children. I'm glad you're 375%all here to witness what may very well be my grisly death. Tonight, my 375%most dangerous stunt. I will death-defy both nature and gravity by 375%leaping over this tank of water, filled with man-eating great white sharks, 375%deadly electric eels, ravenous piranha, bone-crushing alligators, and 375%perhaps most frightening of all, the king of the jungle, one ferocious lion! 375%[a lion is added to the pool] 375%Heh heh heh. I almost forgot. To add a real element of danger, one 375%drop of human blood. 375%[pricks his finger, one drop of blood falls in, the pool bubbles furiously] 375%Now, in case I don't survive, let me just say, seat belts save lives, so 375%buckle up! 375%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, at the Monster Truck Rally, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 376%This is cool. 376%-- Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 377%Ladies and gentlemen, the ten-year old who's brave and bold, 377%when he's not in class, he's risking his ass, 377%the world's greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson! 377%-- Announcer in Bart's dream, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 378%Bart: Dad, I want to be a daredevil. 378%Homer: Heh heh heh. Kids say such stupid things. 378%-- ``Bart the Daredevil'' 379%Lewis: Oh no, he's hurt. 379%Richard: Bad. 379%Milhouse: Let's get out of here! 379%-- kids after Bart hurts himself doing a stunt, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 380%Marge: Are you all right? 380%Bart: Better than all right. I got stitches! [lifts the bandage] 380%Homer+Lisa: Ewwwww. 380%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 381%Bart, in this ward are the children who have been hurt by 381%imitating stunts they saw on television, movies, and the legitimate stage. 381%-- Dr. Hibbert, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 382%Dr. H: This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. 382% This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a 382% recent TV wrestling match. 382% I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward. 382%Marge: Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence. 382%Dr. H: Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless 382% hours of top-notch entertainment. 382%Homer: Amen! 382%-- Dr. Hibbert shows Bart the injury ward, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 383%Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. 383%I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever 383%find it. 383%-- Otto, on Springfield Gorge, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 384%Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. 384%Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something? 384%Bart: What? 384%Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!! 384%-- ``Bart the Daredevil'' 385%Otto: [humming into the bus microphone] 385%Bart: Hey, Otto, can I use that microphone? 385%Otto: Sorry, Bart-dude, it's for emergencies only. 385%-- on the bus, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 386%Murdoch: [tries to give a thumbs-up sign] Doc, I heard a snap. 386%Dr. Hibbert: Hm. I'm afraid the bone is broken. Well, that's all of them! 386%-- in the hospital, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 387%Now let me start by saying... Good for you son! 387%It's always good to see young people taking an interest in danger. 387%Now a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy, 387%and maybe they're right. But the fact of the matter is: 387%Bones heal. Chicks dig scars. And the United States of America 387%has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world! 387%-- Captain Lance Murdoch, upon hearing that Bart wants to do a dangerous stunt, 387% ``Bart the Daredevil'' 388%I'm sorry Bart. But if you got hurt or died, despite the extra 388%attention I'd receive, I'd miss you. 388%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 389%Homer: He's done it, Marge; there's nothing we can do. 389% He's as good as dead! [bawls] 389%Marge: You're his father, you've got to try and reason with him. 389%Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner! 389%-- Bart wants to jump Springfield Gorge on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 390%Homer: Bart? Bart? 390% What are you doing? 390%Bart: [halfway out the window] Uh, nothing. 390%-- ``Bart the Daredevil'' 391%Homer: You were on your way to jump the gorge, weren't you! 391%Bart: Maybe. 391%-- Bart and the 9th commandment? ``Bart the Daredevil'' 392%Bart, this isn't one of those phony-baloney promises I don't expect 392%you to keep! 392%-- Homer, having a heart-to-heart with Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 393%Why that little liar! I should have... 393%And I was going to play pickle with him. 393%-- Homer, finding Bart's room empty, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 394%I tried ordering you, I tried punishing you, and God help me, I even 394%tried reasoning with you. 394%-- Homer to Bart, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 395%You know boy, I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right... 395%-- Homer, slipping away on a skateboard, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 396%You think you've got guts. Try raising my kids. 396%-- Homer to Murdoch, ``Bart the Daredevil'' 397%> Voice credits 397%>> Starring 397% Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Barney, Lance Murdoch) 397% Julie Kavner (Marge) 397% Nancy Cartwright (Bart, Rod, Nelson) 397% Yeardley Smith (Lisa) 397% \: and 397% Harry Shearer (Announcer, Ned Flanders, Skinner, Insurance adjuster?, 397% Dr. Hibbert, Otto) 397%>> Also Starring 397% Hank Azaria (Moe) 397% Pamela Hayden (Milhouse) 397% Maggie Roswell (Lewis, Tour guide) 398%> Didja notice... 399% ... Lisa is reading a book through the entire wrestling match? 399% ... the wresling match was sponsored by Duff Beer? 399% ... the wrestling match arena was empty in real life, yet we saw 399% a packed auditorium on TV? 399% ... when Homer rushes home from Moe's, the oil spot is back in the 399% driveway? 399% ... the unidentifiable food glop they were eating? (What it?) 399% ... the poor guy stuck behind Marge's hairdo at the recital? 399% ... when Homer stands and applauds Lisa's solo, Maggie sort of claps, 399% too? @{ajr} 399% (And when Homer points at his watch, who does he think he's showing 399% it to? Lisa? Mr. Largo?) 399% ... nobody (except Maggie) was wearing seat belts when Truck-o-Saurus 399% grabbed the car? (Especially with respect to Captain Lance Murdock's 399% exhortation, ``Seat belts save lives, so buckle up!'') 399% ... at the arena, the slogan on the beer mug was ``I survived 399% Truck-o-Saurus''? (Truth in advertising strikes again.) 399% ... the sign outside the Emergency Ward: `Cash Only'? 399% ... Marge start to realize that TV violence can be a problem? 399% ... Maggie is spooning her dinner onto the floor when Homer 399% tells Bart not to jump Springfield Gorge? 399% ... when Homer falls down the gorge the second time, Wendell 399% covers his mouth? 400% | Chris Baird@{cjb}: 401% ... when the kids are watching the wrestling, Maggie's walking trainer is 401% in a corner? 401% ... Homer drives home directly from Moe's Tavern? (So much for the 401% designated driver...) 401% ... when Dr. Hibbert is showing the family around the children's 401% ward, there looks to be an in one of the beds (or maybe 401% just a kid with a very large nose)? Hibbert was pointing at it 401% when he said 'the tragic always is'. 401% ... when Lisa mentions to Lance Murdoch that Bart intends jumping over the 401% Gorge on his skateboard, watch his eyes bulge... 401% ... someone with `Lisa-hair' is in the audience when Bart shows off before 401% he climbs the ramp? (A reasonable guess would be to say that it 401% was Lisa, since she's the only one I've [cjb] seen with that type of 401% hair-style.) 401% [There is at least one other girl in Springfield with Lisa-hair. 401% See [8f12]. --rjc] 402% | Dave Hall@{dh}: 403% ... when Homer is driving `defensively' down the highway, he cuts off a cab 403% with Bleeding-Gums Murphy? 403% ... Otto appears to be wearing a pearl(?) bracelet on his right hand, 403% and socks with lace trim? 404%> Movie (and other) References 405% . Jaws 405% - the way the lion leaps out to attack Captain Lance Murdoch. 406%> Freeze Frame Fun 407%>> The billboard in front of the Springfield Speedway 407% | Tonight! 407% | Monster Truck Rally 407% | featuring 407% | TRUCKASAURUS 407% | [unclear] 407% | Sunday: Bear Baiting 408%> Animation and continuity goofs 409%At the gorge, Nelson (the bully) says, ``Where is he? I thought he said 409%noon!'' but notice that Milhouse's mouth also moves to the words. 410%(And, as a plot discontinuity, Bart never said he was going to jump at noon. 410%He said, ``May I have your attention, please? This Saturday, I will be 410%jumping over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard. There is a good possibility 410%I will plunge to my bloody death. Hope to see you there! Thank you.'') 411%As Homer and Bart walk to the house after coming home from Truck-o-Sarus, 411%as they walk from the driveway, they are shaded on their backs, as though 411%the light is coming from the left. When they turn to go inside, walking away 411%from the viewer, the shading remains on their backs. 412%But this isn't an animation error. There are two light sources in the 412%scene. The first is the streetlamps, which provides the first shadow. 412%The second is the lights from the house, which provides the second shadow. 413%> Comments and other observations 414%>> Bart's T-shirt 415%Tim P. McNerney @{tpm} observes that Bart's 415%skull-and-crossbones T-shirt he wears for the jump across the gorge 415%has a skull with ``Bart-spikes''. 416%But Jym Dyer @{jd} recalls that the 416%X-rays in ``Bart Gets Hit By A Car'' shows a 416%normal skull. (Normal for cartoon characters, that is.) Bart's spiked skull 416%is clearly a matter of artistic license on his part. 417%>> The concert 418%>>> General notes 419%Schubert's Unfinished Symphony and Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture are a 419%bit too highbrow (and difficult!)\ for a bunch of eight-year-olds. 420%Mr. Largo counts, ``five, six, seven, eight'' before giving the 420%downbeat. Unfortunately, the Unfinished Symphony begins in 12/8 time. 420%(So he really should have counted either, ``7 8 9 10 11 12'' or just 420%``3 4''.) And, of course, the tempo he sets is nothing like the tempo 420%the orchestra plays. (And, the symphony doesn't even begin that way. 420%Mr. Largo skipped the introductory bars.) 421%There is no saxophone part in the Unfinished Symphony, a fortiori, no 421%saxophone solo. 422%The playing itself was down to school standards. Despite Mr. Largo's 422%exhortation of ``Remember children, stay together,'' they fall out of 422%step at the moment the first note is played. And the conclusion of 422%the 1812 Overture was the embodiment of school concerts. Everybody 422%had long since fallen out of step with everybody else, and moved on to 422%bigger and better things like playing the wrong note. 423%When Homer says, ``How much longer was Sherbert planning on making 423%this junk!'', the symphony comes to an end, and all applaud. 423%Unfortunately, what was played was only the end of the first movement. 423%The piece was only halfway finished---to the extent that `halfway 423%finished' applies to an unfinished symphony. 423%Perfectly in keeping with 423%what always happens at school concerts. (Parents applaud during 423%any break in the action.) 424%And as the Symphony started, you could hear Maggie sucking away. 425%Principal Skinner announced that it was the first in a series of Saturday 425%Evening Concerts. This is way beyond the abilities of a student orchestra. 425%It typically takes grammar school orchestras 10 to 14 weeks to prepare for 425%a single concert. (Unless they intend to have other performing groups 425%fill in, like Bart's fourth-grade dance demonstration.) 426%The only thing missing that I could think of was flashbulbs going off 426%intermittently as eager parents take pictures of their kids, unaware that 426%the flashes are immensely distracting. (And useless beyond 15 feet.) 427%>>> Lisa's solo 428%Brian Heil @{bh3} makes 428%another interesting note about the concert and Lisa's sax solo: ``I haven't 428%paid close enough attention in the past to say if Lisa is lefthanded, but I 428%assume she is, seeing the way she held the saxophone. Of course lefthanded 428%sax players hold it the same way as righthanded players... in fact it is nearly 428%impossible to play a sax as it was pictured!'' 429%>>> Todd's solo 430%Theron Stanford @{tws} identifies Todd's solo as `My Heart at Thy Sweet Voice' 430%from the opera ``Samson and Delilah'' by Camille Saint-Sa\"ens. 431%Alan J Rosenthal @{ajr} notes that Todd's bowing was very odd. When he held 431%a note, he stopped the bow movement. Of course, this would stop the sound. 432%>> Butchered in America 433%Scenes were removed from the original US airing to make room for the ``Do 433%the Bart Man'' video on first airing, then again for a Gulf War Update 433%when the episode repeated. Canadians received a full episode. 434%One cut scene involved the introduction of a female truck driver at the 434%monster truck rally. Note Lisa, ``Another barrier broken.'' 435%> Boring distribution restrictions 436%Episode summaries Copyright 1991--1993 by Raymond Chen. 436%Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission. 436%(The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, 436%and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. 436%I'm just taking credit for the compilation.) 437%Lisa: Mmph. [as Bart muffles her with a cushion] 437%Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister! 437%Bart: She took my glue! 437%Lisa: It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue! 437%Homer: Stop it, you two. This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take 437% your glue away and then will have any glue to glue with. 437%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 438%Lisa: Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. 438% He only wants the glue because I'm using it. 438%Bart: Oh yeah? Prove it. 438%Lisa: [hands him the glue] Here. 438%Bart: Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue. 438%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 439%Announcer 1: Uh oh, here comes our friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose. 439%Homer: Heh heh heh, Bullwinkle's antler sprung a leak. 439%Announcer 1: Uh oh, looks like ol' Bullwinkle's kinda gotten a taste of his 439% own medicine. Ha ha. 439%Announcer 2: He certainly does, Bill. 439%Announcer 1: Ha ha. Wait, what did... Did what I say make sense? 439%Announcer 2: Well, no, not really Bill. 439%Announcer 1: Boy, now I know how the pilgrims felt. 439%Announcer 2: What are you taling about, Bill? 439%-- Watching the Thanksgiving Day parade, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 440%Son, this is a tradition. If they start building a balloon for every 440%flash-in-the-pan cartoon character, you'll turn the parade into a FARCE. 440%-- Homer watches the Thanksgiving Day parade with Bart, 440% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 440% [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment] 441%It's broken, Mom. ... Mom, it's broken. ... [sings] Mom-it's-brok-en, 441%Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en.... 441%-- Bart `helps out' in the kitchen, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 442%See Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys, Daddy's 442%favorite team. And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half 442%points. Understand? 442%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 443%Looks like they'll be feeding him Thanksgiving dinner through a tube. 443%-- Sportscaster on the quarterback's recent injury, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 444%Announcer: And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the 444% well-groomed go-getters of `Hooray for Everything!' 444%Homer: Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude! 444%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, `Hooray for Everything' invites you 444% to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth, 444% the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all! 444%-- Football halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 445%Now, before we sit down to our delicious turkey puree, I have some, uh, 445%happy news. The following people have relatives who wished they could 445%be here today... 445%-- At the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 446%I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk. So I'll just say one thing... 446%You never do anything right. 446%-- Mrs. Bouvier, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 447%Thank you! You're super! Be good to each other! 447%-- `Hoorary for Everything' entertains during the football halftime show, 447% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 448%In the Silverdome, now ablaze with flashbulbs, as `Hooray for Everything' 448%leaves the field! Of course, a stadium is much too big for flash pictures 448%to work, but nobody seems to care! 448%-- Announcer for the halftime show, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 449%Holy moley! That's the biggest... one of those things I ever saw! 449%-- Homer appreciates Lisa's Thanksgiving dinner table centerpiece, 449% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 450%And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, 450%safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. 450%Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and 450%love our family has experienced. Well, not today, but... You saw what 450%happened! Oh, Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the 450%universe or what! 450%-- Homer says grace at Thanksgiving dinner, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 451%I saw the best meals of my generation 451%destroyed by the madness of my brother. 451%My soul carved in slices 451%by spikey-haired demons. 451%-- `Howl of the Unappreciated' by Lisa Simpson, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 452%Cool! The wrong side of the tracks! 452%-- Bart crosses the railroad tracks, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 453%Twelve bucks! Hey, I can bleed! 453%-- Bart observes he can make $12 by giving blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 454%Nurse: Hey, you've gotta be eighteen to sell your blood. Let's see some ID. 454%Bart: Here ya go, doll-face. 454%Nurse: Okay, Homer, just relax. 454%Bart: Ow! 454%-- Bart gives blood to make some money, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 455%At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing: 455%I'm sorry I came. 455%-- Mrs. Bouvier makes a rare comment, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 456%Grampa: Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over anything. 456% It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer? 456%Homer: [sycophantically] Yes, Dad. 456%-- ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 457%Twelve bucks and a free cookie! What a country! [passes out] 457%-- Bart gives blood, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 458%All right! Twelve big ones and free grub to boot. Viva Skid Row! 458%-- Bart learns about life on the wrong side of the tracks, 458% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 459%Kent: Oh, we have lots of names for these people. Bums, deadbeats, losers, 459% scums of the earth. We'd like to sweep these people into the gutter, 459% or if they're already in the gutter, to some other out-of-the-way 459% place. Oh, we have our reasons. They're depressing, they wear 459% ragged clothes, they're [makes quotation sign with fingers] ``crazy'', 459% they smell bad. 459%Guy: Hey, listen, man. 459%Kent: [whispers] Wait, I'm going somewhere with this. 459%-- Kent Brockman's Emmy-winning news report from a soup kitchen, 459% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 460%Marge: Everyone, Lisa wants to read us a poem she's written. 460%Grampa: Sounds interesting. 460%Homer: Oh, okay. 460%Lisa: Ahem. `Howl of the Unappreciated'. By Lisa Simpson. Ahem. 460% `I saw the best meals...' [Bart appears on television] 460%Grampa: Gasp. It's Bart! 460%-- Bart manages to upstage Lisa from miles away, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 461%Kent: And how long have you been on the streets? 461%Bart: Going on five years, Kent. 461%Kent: Ah. Son, your family might be watching. Is there anything you'd like 461% to say to them? 461%Bart: Yes there is, Kent. Ha ha! I didn't apologize! 461%-- Bart is interviewed for a television documentary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 462%Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one! 462%-- Homer, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 463%If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and 463%collect my insurance! 463%-- Grampa rushes back to the rest home, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 464%Marge: Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't 464% blame ourselves. 464%Homer: We can and will! 464%Marge: Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist. 464%-- Worrying about Bart, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 465%Marge: Now we can blame him for everything! 465%Homer: It's your fault I'm bald! 465%Bart: [meekly] I'm sorry. 465%Grampa: It's your fault I'm old! 465%Bart: I'm sorry! 465%Maggie: It's your fault I can't talk! 465%Bart: I'm sorry! 465%Uncle Sam: It's your fault America has lost its way! 465%Bart: I'm sorry! 465%All: It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault! 465%-- Bart's dream, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 466%Whoa! My whiffle balls! My frisbees! My wire rackets! 466%I've hit the jackpot! 466%-- Bart climbs to the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 467%Dear Log: My brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault because 467%I failed to take his abuse with good humor. I miss him so much already 467%that I don't... know... [sobs] 467%-- Lisa writes in her diary, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 468%Lisa: Bart, what are you doing up here? Everybody's worried! 468%Bart: Really? Did they cry? 468%Lisa: Yes. 468%Bart: Whoa! Bulls-eye! 468%-- Lisa joins Bart on the roof after his brief career as a runaway, 468% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 469%I don't know! I don't know why I did it! I don't know why I enjoyed it! 469%And I don't know why I'll do it again! 469%-- Bart doesn't apologize to Lisa, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 470%You know, Marge? We're great parents! 470%-- Homer watches Bart apologize to Lisa on the roof, ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 471%Homer: Oh Lord, on this blessed day, we thank Thee for giving our family 471% one more crack at togetherness. 471%All: Amen. 471%-- Homer says grace at the second Thanksgiving dinner, 471% ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' 472%One o'clock. Still just a potato. 472%-- Bart's science project, ``Dead Putting Society'' 473%There's nothing wrong with crabgrass. It just has a bad name, that's all. 473%Everyone would love it if it had a cute name like, eh, `elfgrass'. 473%-- Homer defending crabgrass against Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society'' 474%Homer: Marge, Where's the Duff!?! 474%Marge: Ohh, uh, we're all out, Homer. 474%Homer: D'oh! 474%Marge: Would you like some fruit juice? 474%Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!! 474%-- Homer needs refreshment while mowing the lawn, ``Dead Putting Society'' 475%Ned: Here's a tasty little lager that came all the way from Holland. 475%Homer: Well, buggers can't be choosy. 475%-- ``Dead Putting Society'' 476%Homer: All right, knock it off! 476%Ned: Knock what off, Simpson? 476%Homer: You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! 476% Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from 476% away, than my beer, you and your son like each other, and your wife's 476% ... 476%Ned: [gasp!] 476%Homed: ... is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick! 476%Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. I hope you 476% understand. 476%Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet! [finishes his beer, then leaves] 476% [returns] One for the road. [takes a club sandwich and leaves] 476%-- a friendly visit to the Flanders rumpus room, ``Dead Putting Society'' 477%Homer: Lousy bragging know-it-all showoff... 477%Marge: What exactly did he say? 477%Homer: Get this. He said, uh, he said... 477% Well, it wasn't so much what he said; it was how he said it. 477%Marge: Well, how did he say it? 477%Homer: Well, he... 477%Marge: Was he angry? 477%Homer: No. 477%Marge: Was he rude? 477%Homer: Okay, okay, it wasn't how he said it, either. 477%-- It's the thought that counts, ``Dead Putting Society'' 478%I drag him over here, have a few beers... You can't blame him for erupting. 478%-- Ned Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society'' 479%Mrs. Lovejoy: Honey, wake up. Honey, it sounds like Ned Flanders is 479% having some sort of crisis. 479%Rev. Lovejoy: Oh. Probably stepped on a worm... 479%-- Flanders calls in the middle of the night, ``Dead Putting Society'' 480%Ned: I feel like I violated Matthew 19:19. 480%Rev.L: Huh? 480%Ned: Love thy neighbor. 480%Rev.L: Oh, Matthew nineteen, yeah, right, right. 480%-- ``Dead Putting Society'' 481%Homer: [reading Ned's letter] ``You are my brother.'' 481%Homer+Lisa+Bart: [giggle] 481%Homer: ``I love you.'' 481%Homer+Lisa+Bart: [laugh] 481%Homer: ``And yet, I feel a great sadness...'' [tries to stifle a giggle] 481% ``... in my bosom.'' 481%Homer+Lisa+Bart: [finally lose it and laugh uproariously] 481%-- Reading Ned's letter of apology, ``Dead Putting Society'' 482%Read the `bosom' part again, Dad! 482%-- Lisa, ``Dead Putting Society'' 483%Bosom. 483%-- Bart, ``Dead Putting Society'' 484%Mm. I going to wash my hair... 484%-- Marge, after Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing, 484% ``Dead Putting Society'' 485%Lisa: And I'm studying for the math fair. 485% If I win, I'll bring home a brand new protractor. 485%Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm. 485%-- Homer suggests the family go miniature golfing, ``Dead Putting Society'' 486%Play it where it lays, Homer. 486%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society'' 487%Give up homeboy, there's a six stroke limit. 487%-- Bart after Homer botches a putt, ``Dead Putting Society'' 488%Todd: Hi Bart! 488%Bart: Get bent. 488%-- friendly greetings at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society'' 489%Ned: Oh say, you look like you were having a little trouble there. 489%Homer: That shot's impossible! Jack Nicholson himself couldn't make it! 489%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society'' 490%Bart: Final score. Bart, forty-one. Homer... let's see... 490% six plus six plus six plus six plus six plus... 490%Homer: Never mind! 490%-- leaving the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society'' 491%Todd: Wow! First prize fifty dollars! 491%Bart: Wow! Free balloons for everyone who enters! 491%-- A matter of perspective, ``Dead Putting Society'' 492%Ned: So, my little Bartly, thinking of entering the tournament? 492%Homer: Yeah, he's entering. 492% And what's more, he's going to win, aren't you, boy? 492%Bart: I guess it's possible... 492%Ned: Hey hey, I like that confidence. 492%-- ``Dead Putting Society'' 493%Oh yeah? Well I think the fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins 493%any day of the week! C'mon boy! 493%-- Homer tells off Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society'' 494%Bart: But Dad! I've never won anything in my life! 494%Homer: Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is 494% okay to lose! 494%-- The ghost of Vince Lombardi? ``Dead Putting Society'' 495%Keep your head down, follow through. [Bart putts and misses] 495%Okay, that didn't work. This time, move your head and don't follow through. 495%-- Homer giving putting advice, ``Dead Putting Society'' 496%Homer: What are you doing! That putter is to you what a baseball bat is 496% to a baseball player! What a violin is... to the... the guy that... 496% the violin guy! Now c'mon! Give your putter a name. 496%Bart: What? 496%Homer: C'mon, give it a name. 496%Bart: Mister Putter. 496%Homer: D'oh.. You wanna try a little harder son? C'mon give it a girl's 496% name. 496%Bart: Mom. 496%Homer: Your putter's name is Charlene! 496%Bart: Why? 496%Homer: It just is, that's why! Now this, is a picture of your enemy, 496% Todd Flanders. Every day, I want you to spend fifteen minutes 496% staring at it. And concentrating on how much you hate him, and how 496% glorious it will be when you and Charlene annihilate him! 496%Bart: Who's Charlene? 496%Homer: [raises the putter, about to wallop Bart with it] 496% I'll show you who Charlene is! Now start hating! 496%Bart: Grrrrrrrr... rrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! [loses enthusiasm] 496%-- a pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society'' 497%Marge: Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind. 497%Homer: And? 497%-- ``Dead Putting Society'' 498%Marge: I'm worried that you're making too big a deal of this silly little 498% kiddie golf tournament. 498%Homer: But Marge, but this is our big chance to show up the Flandereses. [sic] 498%Marge: Well, I'm sure it is, but why do we want to do that? 498%Homer: Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by 498% making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel 498% good about themselves! 498%-- Marge concerned over Homer's tactics, ``Dead Putting Society'' 499%Bart: Hey Lis, whaddya call those guys in chess that don't matter. 499%Lisa: Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're 499% referring to a pawn. 499%Bart: Right. I am a pawn. 499%Lisa: Hmm... I know. It's times like this that I'm thankful Dad has little 499% to no interest in almost everything I do. 499% Bart, I think I can help you. 499%-- Lisa offers some sisterly advice, ``Dead Putting Society'' 500%Golf... `Anecdotes'... `Eisenhower and'... `fishing'... `humor'... 500%`Japanese obsession with'... Ah, here it is... `Putting'. 500%-- Lisa, looking through card catalog under `Golf', ``Dead Putting Society'' 501%Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books! 501%Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them. 501%Bart: Oh... heh, heh... gotcha! [wink] 501%-- in the library, ``Dead Putting Society'' 502%Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind. 502%Bart: Okay. 502%Lisa: Embrace nothingness. 502%Bart: You got it. 502%Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone. 502%Bart: Done. 502%Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm saying! 502%Bart: True. 502%Lisa: Well, it's very annoying! 502%Bart: I'll bet. 502%-- ``Dead Putting Society'' 503%Lisa: What is the sound of one hand clapping? 503%Bart: Piece of cake. [claps with one hand] 503%Lisa: No, Bart, it's a 3000-year-old riddle with no anwer. 503% It's supposed to clear your mind of conscious thought. 503%Bart: No answer? Lisa, listen up! [claps with one hand] 503%-- Solving unsolved problems, ``Dead Putting Society'' 504%Lisa: If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound? 504%Bart: Absolutely! [makes the sound of a tree falling] 504%Lisa: But Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it. 504%Bart: Wooooooo... 504%Lisa: [hands Bart his putter] It is time. 504%-- Bart finally gets it, ``Dead Putting Society'' 505%Lisa: The basis of this game seems to be simple geometry. All you have 505% to do is hit the ball... here. 505% [Tap] [Clunk-clunk] [Clunk-clunk] [Duh-dunk] 505%Bart: I can't believe it. You actually found a practical use for geometry! 505%-- at the miniature golf course, ``Dead Putting Society'' 506%Ned: May the best man win. 506%Homer: ``May the best man win.'' The mating call of the loser! 506%-- From one who should know, ``Dead Putting Society'' 507%Simpson, you're starting to annoy me. 507%-- Ned Flanders, ``Dead Putting Society'' 508%Homer: Keep your left arm straight, Bart! Rotate your shoulders! 508%Lisa+Bart: Daaaad! 508%Homer: Look son, all I'm asking is that you try. 508%Bart: Ok, I'll try. 508%Homer: D'oh! Anybody can try! I want you to ! 508%-- ``Dead Putting Society'' 509%Heh heh heh. That crazy Marmaduke. 509%-- Homer reads the morning paper, ``Dead Putting Society'' 510%Lisa: Eighth hole. 510%Bart: Aim for the octopus, third tentacle. 510%Lisa: Twelfth hole. 510%Bart: Bank it off the pink tombstone. 510%Lisa: Nirvanha. 510%Bart: A state of bliss obtained through the extinction of the self. 510%-- pre-game drills, ``Dead Putting Society'' 511%Lisa: Oats are what a champion thoroughbred eats before he or she 511% wins the Kentucky Derby. 511%Homer: Newsflash, Lisa, Bart is not a horse! 511%-- the breakfast table the day of the contest, ``Dead Putting Society'' 512%Hello everybody, and welcome to the finale of what has already been 512%a stirring afternoon of miniature golf. The cream has risen. The 512%wheat has bid farewell to the chaff. And now, we approach the 512%championship match where but two warriors remain: The heretofore 512%unknown Bart Simpson and Todd Flanders, one of the most skilled 512%ten-year-olds to ever take back the blade. 512%-- K.B.B.L. announcer, ``Dead Putting Society'' 513%Lisa: Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, 513% I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. Here goes. 513% I believe in you. 513%Bart: Thanks, man. 513%-- pre-game pep talk, ``Dead Putting Society'' 514%Hey Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and 514%we can't win. 514%-- Homer, ``Dead Putting Society'' 515%Homer: This time tomorrow, you'll be wearing high heels! 515%Ned: Nope, will. 515%Homer: 'Fraid not. 515%Ned: 'Fraid so! 515%Homer: 'Fraid not. 515%Ned: 'Fraid so! 515%Homer: 'Fraid not infinity! 515%Ned: 'Fraid so infinity plus one! 515%Homer: D'oh! 515%-- ``Dead Putting Society'' 516%If one looks up courage in the Oxford English Dictionary, one might very 516%well come upon a photo of these two gladiators. They approach the final 516%hole in the shadow of the Great Emancipator, deadlocked at eight strokes 516%on the happy side of par. Soon, one man will emerge triumphant; he will 516%drink naught but champagne, while his opponent tastes bitter defeat in 516%this oft cruel game. 516%-- ``Dead Putting Society'' 517%Homer: Remember what Vince Lombardi said: 517% If you lose you're out of the family! 517%Marge: Homer! [slap] 517%Homer: Ow. 517%-- words of encouragement during the golf match, ``Dead Putting Society'' 518%Bart: This is pretty tense, isn't it, Todd. 518%Todd: Yeah, my knees are shaking, I got butterflies in my stomach... 518% But I guess this builds character. 518%Bart: Who wants to build character? Let's quit! 518%Todd: Okay. 518%-- ``Dead Putting Society'' 519%This is the most stirring display of gallantry and sportsmanship since 519%Mountbatten gave India back to the Punjabs. 519%-- Tearful announcer, ``Dead Putting Society'' 520%Mm. My best dress... 520%-- Marge watches Homer mow the lawn in her Sunday dress, 520% ``Dead Putting Society'' 521%Why do I get the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist? 521%-- Lisa watching Homer mow the lawn in Marge's dress, ``Dead Putting Society'' 522%Marge: [making pork chops] 522% A dash of rosemary, a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram... 522%Homer: You know, Marge, you make the best pork chops in the whole world. 522%Marge: Oh, Homer, they're nothing special. The extra ingredient is care. 522% [continues her work] 522% A sprinkle of chervil, a teaspoon of tumeric, and a whisper of MSG. 522%-- How much care am I supposed to add? ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 523%Homer: Marge, I'm going to build you a spice rack. 523%Marge: Oh, you don't have to go to all that trouble just for me. 523%Homer: It's no trouble! I got a whole of tools I never use! 523%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 524%Ah, here it is. The complete handyman's bookshelf. Volume 1: Spice racks. 524%-- Homer sets to work to build a spice rack, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 525%Bart: Hey Dad, can you move your head? 525%Homer: No, I can't. It's broken... 525%-- Is it in a cast? ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 526%Maggie: [picks up a pencil] [wacko `Psycho' music plays] 526%Homer: Aaaaaaaaagh! 526%Marge: [picks up Maggie] No, Maggie, bad baby! 526%Homer: Keep her away from me, Marge! 526% She's got that crazy look in her eyes again! 526%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 527%Marge: You won't be watching these cartoons any more. Ever. 527%Lisa: But Mom, if you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense 527% of humor and be robots. 527%Bart: Really? What kind of robots? 527%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 528%You heard me, I won't be in for the rest of the week. ... 528%I told you! My baby beat me up! ... 528%No, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up. ... 528%[sotto voce] Wise guy. 528%-- Homer phones in sick after, well, you know, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 529%Marge: What kind of warped human being would find that funny? 529%Homer: [laughs] 529%Marge: Mm... 529%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 530%Dear purveyors of senseless violence: 530%I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you 530%show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way. 530%Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine 530%programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson. 530%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 531%Myers: Take a letter, Miss White. 531% Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy 531% and Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of 531% America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection. 531% In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research 531% shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big 531% a screwball she is, so let me close by saying... 531%Marge: [reading the letter] And the horse I rode in on? 531% I'll show them what one screwball can do! 531%-- A letter from the CEO, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 532%Marge: [through a megaphone] 532% How many of you were hit on the heads with mallets last week? 532% [crowd murmurs] 532% [man with head bandaged raises his hand] 532% [another man with head bandaged raises his hand] 532% [and a whole bunch more] 532%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 533%Homer: There's peas in my fruit cobbler! 533%Lisa: There's peas ! 533%-- The infamous TV dinners, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 534%D'oh! Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda. 534%-- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 535%Krusty: Hi Kids! [laughs] Guess what, Sideshow Mel! 535%Mel: [slide whistle three times] 535%Krusty: It's time for Itchy and Scratchy! 535%Kids: [really, parents] Boo! 535%Krusty: Hey, hey, settle down boys and girls, or Krusty will 535% have to bring out his old friend, Corporal Punishment, again. 535%-- Krusty faces Kancellation, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 536%Marge: What do we want? 536%Crowd: Less and less violence in children's programming! 536%Marge: When do we want it? 536%Crowd: Now! 536%-- We're mad as hell, and we're not going to take it any more, 536% ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 537%Meyers: That screwball Marge Simpson, we've got to stop her. But how? 537%Man #1: Drop an anvil on her? 537%Man #2: Hit her on the head with a piano. 537%Woman: Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run? 537%Meyers: All your fancy degrees and that's the best you can do? 537% You make me sick! 537%All: [agree meekly] 537%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 538%You know, some of these stories are pretty good. 538%I never knew mice lived such interesting lives. 538%-- Homer watches Itchy and Scratchy, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 539%Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of `Smartline'. 539%Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say, ``No, of 539%course not, what kind of stupid question is that?'' 539%-- The value of objectivity in reporting, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 540%Joining us live, via satellite from Vienna, home of Sigmund Freud, the 540%world's greatest psychiatrist, to give us an insight into the human mind, 540%Dr. Marvin Monroe. 540%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 540% [Does that make Freud or Monroe the world's greatest psychologist?] 541%Meyers: I did a little research and I discovered a startling thing... 541% There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented. 541%Kent: I see. Fascinating. 541%Meyers: Yeah, and know something, Karl? The Crusades, for instance. 541% Tremendous violence, many people killed, the darned thing went 541% on for thirty years. 541%Kent: And this was before cartoons were invented? 541%Meyers: That's right, Kent. 541%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 542%Well, Kent, to me, the hijinks of a few comic characters absolutely pales 542%in comparison to the crippling emotional problems a psychiatrist runs into 542%every day. I'm referring to women who love too much, fear of winning, 542%sexaholism, stuff like that. 542%-- Dr. Marvin Monroe on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 543%Kent: For another opinion... 543%Krusty: [laughs] Hi, kids! [laughs] 543%Kent: Krusty, please. We're giving you the opportunity to participate in 543% a serious discussion, here. 543%Krusty: Oh, I'm sorry Kent. Just that when the camera gets on me, I just... 543% Hey! [throws a custard pie in his own face] [honks horn] 543%Kent: Krusty! 543%Krusty: [honks horn] [cowers] 543%-- `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 544%Meyers: [explaining on the phone] 544% Itchy just stole Scratchy's ice cream cone, and... 544%Animator: Oh, make it a pie. Pies are easier to draw. 544%Meyers: [to animator] Okay, a pie! 544% [to Marge] Anyway, Scratchy is understandable upset. 544%Marge: Uh huh. 544%Meyers: So we figured he could just, you know, grab Itchy and toss him into 544% a bucket of acid. 544%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 545%Marge: Couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy? 545% Then they would have pie! 545%Meyers: [walks to storyboard, considers, steps back] 545% It's different, I'll give you that... 545%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 546%Announcer: It's a tool that every home handyman needs! 546% It's a jigsaw! It's a power drill! It's a wood-turning lathe! 546% It's an asphalt spreader! It's 67 tools in one! 546% How much would you pay for a machine that can do all this? 546%Homer: One thousand dollars! 546%Announcer: Oh, don't answer yet... 546%Homer: Oh, sorry. 546%Announcer: Because you also get... 546%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 547%They love! They share! 547%They share and love and share! 547%Love, love, love! 547%Share, share, share! 547%The Itchy and Scratchy Show! 547%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 548%Lisa: Itchy and Scratchy seem to have lost their edge... 548%Marge: Well, I think it conveys a very nice message about sharing. 548%Bart: I think it sucks. 548%-- A kinder, gentler cartoon, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 549%Marge: Aren't you going to watch the rest of your cute cartoons? 549%Bart: Naah. Come on, Li. 549%Lisa: Maybe there's something else to do on this planet... 549%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 550%Krusty: Hi, kids! [laughs] 550% [sees empty studio] 550% Huh? Is it Saturday? 550%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 551%Artist: This will be the art even of the century. The greatest 551% masterpiece of the Italian renaissance, Michelangelo's David, 551% on a coast-to-coast tour of United States. 551%Reporter: Uh, sir, which cities will be included on your itinerary? 551%Artist: Eh, New York, Springfield, and if we have time, Chicago, 551% Boston, Los Angeles. 551%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 552%Helen: You've got to lead our protest against this abomination! 552% [shows newspaper article] 552%Marge: Mm, but that's Michelangelo's David. It's a masterpiece. 552%Helen: [gasp] It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, 552% which, practical as they may be, are evil. 552%Marge: But I like that statue. 552%Helen: [gasp] I told you she was soft on full frontal nudity! 552% Come on, girls... 552%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 553%Is it a masterpiece or just some guy with his pants down? 553%That's our topic tonight on Smartline... 553%-- Kent Brockman, on the coming of Michelangelo's David to Springfield, 553% ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 554%Kent: Aren't you Marge Simpson the wacko? 554%Marge: Mm... Yes and no. 554%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 555%I guess one person make a difference, but most of the time, 555%they probably shouldn't. 555%-- Marge, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 556%I'd like to alert our affiliates that we will be ending our show early tonight. 556%Join us tomorrow, when our topic will be, ``Religion: Which is the one true 556%faith?'' 556%-- Kent Brockman on `Smartline', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 557%Well, there he is. Michelangelo's `Dave'. 557%-- Homer admires Renaissance art, ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 558%Homer: Pretty soon, every boy and girl in Springfield Elementary School 558% is going to come and see this thing. 558%Marge: Really? Why? 558%Homer: They're forcing 'em! [laughs] 558%-- On Michelangelo's `David', ``Itchy and Scratchy and Marge'' 559%Smithers: I think the boy is hurt. 559%Burns: Oh for crying out loud, just give him a nickel and let's get going. 559%-- after... ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 560%Hey, cool, I'm dead. 560%-- Bart realizes he's dead, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 561%Please hold onto the handrail. Do not spit over the side. 561%[and repeated in Spanish] 561%-- Heavenly voice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 562%I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? 562%-- Bart introduces himself to Satan, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 563%According to this, you're not due to arrive until the Yankees 563%wins the pennant. That's nearly a century from now. 563%-- The Devil, on Bart's premature visit to Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 564%Boy is my face red. 564%-- Satan after realizing Bart isn't due to arrive yet, 564% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 565%Bart: Um, say, is there anything I can do to avoid coming back here? 565%Satan: Oh, sure, yeah. But, eh, you wouldn't like it. 565%Bart: Oh, okay! See you later, then. 565%-- Bart leaves Hell, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 566%Satan: Remember: Lie, cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music! 566%Bart: Yes, sir! 566%-- Some parting advice, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 567%Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. 567% Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water. 567%Homer: Ooh, classy. 567%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 568%Homer: The doctor says it's just a bump on the head and a broken toe, 568% nothing serious. 568%Hutz: Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots! 568%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 569%Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster? 569%Hutz: How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that? 569%-- Lisa suspects Lionel Hutz isn't on the level, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 570%Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great! 570%-- Chasing a gurney down the corridor, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 571%Marge: Is he well enough for me to start mothering him unbearably, doctor? 571%Hibert: Mm, better let him rest up a while first. 571%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 572%Homer: If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office 572% right now and... 572%Smithers: Simpson! 572%Homer: Aah! 572%Smithers: Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now! 572%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 573%Ah, Simpson. At last we meet. 573%-- Mr. Burns, calling Homer in regarding Bart's accident, 573% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 574%Burns: Throw him out, Smithers! 574%Homer: You don't have to do that, Mr. Burns. I can throw out. 574%-- Burns tells Homer he isn't going to get a cent, 574% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 575%The Supreme Court called again. They need your help on some freedom thing. 575%-- Della, Lionel Hutz' secretary, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 576%Yes, Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, the Louvre [pron. Loove-rah]. 576%-- Lionel Hutz, attorney at law, listing his degrees, 576% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 577%Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. 577%But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement. 577%-- Lionel Hutz, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 578%You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. 578%You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace, 578%a $99 value, as our gift to you. 578%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 579%Just look at the X-rays! You see that dark spot there? Whiplash. 579%And this smudge here, that looks like my fingerprint? No, that's trauma! 579%-- `Doctor' Nick Riviera, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 580%With all due respect, Mrs. Simpson, you're not a doctor, the boy's 580%not a doctor, the only person who even comes CLOSE is this man [Nick Riviera]. 580%-- Lionel Hutz responding to Marge's skepticism, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 581%Hutz: Doctor, are you sure there isn't a little soft tissue trauma 581% in the facial area? 581%Riviera: Oh yeah, tons of it! [wrapping Bart's head] Just say when! 581%-- Bart is in the care of trained professionals, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 582%I should be able to run over as many kids as I want! 582%-- In court, Mr. Burns justifies his actions, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 583%Judge: Mr. Burns, I must warn you that if you continue to disrupt the court 583% in this way, I will have to cite you for contempt. 583%Burns: You wouldn't dare! 583%Judge: Well, no, um, I guess I wouldn't. 583%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 584%Judge: Hello, Bart. Now, you do understand the difference between 584% telling the truth and telling a lie, don't you son? 584%Bart: Maybe. 584%Judge: Uh huh. Well, you wouldn't lie to the United States, would you, Bart? 584%Homer and Hutz: [prompting, whispering] No! No! 584%Bart: No. 584%-- Bart takes the witness stand, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 585%Defenseless child at three o'clock. 585%-- Smithers spying a helpless Bart in the street, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 586%Marge and Lisa: Mmm... 586%-- Reactings to Bart's ``Believable testimony'', ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 587%Oh, it was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. 587%I was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys... 587%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 588%NOOOOOOOO!! TAKE ME!! I'M OLD!! 588%-- Mr. Burns' view of events, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 589%Hang your heads in shame, you overpriced, underbrained glorified notary 589%publics! Just get that big ape to my house tonight and we'll buy him off 589%with a banana or two! 589%-- Mr. Burns bawling out his attorneys, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 590%Burns: And that ugly customer was the last Indonesian rhino on earth. 590%Marge: Hm, I didn't know you liked animals. 590%Burn: Oh, I don't like everything about them. Just their heads. 590%-- Invited to the Burns mansion, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 591%Homer: Mr. Burns, are you trying to get me drunk? 591%Burns: Yes. 591%-- A brief moment of honesty from Monty Burns, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 592%Sorry, offer's expired, I guess we'll just have to let the jury decide, 592%twelve good men and true, Smithers release the hounds. 592%-- Mr. Burns realizes that Bart made up his story, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 593%Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing 593% but the truth, so help you God? 593%Marge: Mmm... Yes, I do. 593%Hutz: She sounded like she was taking that awful seriously. 593%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 594%Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite 594% as large as the last one, but I think you'll find it fair. 594% [draws a giant zero] 594%Hutz: I think we should take it. 594%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 595%Homer: [thinks] A million dollars. My wife cost me a million dollars. 595%Marge: Homer? Would you like some more macaroni and cheese? 595%Homer: [thinks] Yeah, a million dollars' worth, you treacherous 595% snake-woman! [out loud] No, thank you. 595%Marge: Some string beans? 595%Homer: [thinks] No, I don't want any string beans either, you two-timing 595% back-stabbing... Uh oh, better answer. [out loud] No, thank you. 595%Marge: Some celery with cream cheese on it? 595%Homer: [thinks] Just mouth polite nothings. [out loud] No, thank you. 595%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 596%Moe: Oh, you're better off. Rich people aren't happy. From the day they're 596% born to the day they die, they they're happy, but trust me. 596% They ain't. 596%Homer: [thinks] Moe. Wish he'd shut up. 596%-- Homer drowns his sorrows in beer after losing a $1 million court case, 596% ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 597%Homer, I'd like you to forgive me for doing the right thing. 597%-- Marge, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 598%Homer: [thinks to himself] She's been your wife for ten years, you've had 598% three children together, it's time to be honest with her. 598% [out loud] I'm not sure I love you any more. 598%Marge: Gasp! 598%Homer: But, don't worry. Uh, I'll never let on. I'll still do all the 598% bed stuff. Maybe it won't be so bad. 598%-- ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 599%All right, all right. Look at her if it'll shut her up. 599%Start with the feet. Still angry. Good! Good, Homer, good! 599%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 600%Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for will never die. 600%-- Homer's love for Marge is shaken, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 601%Okay everybody, for the next fifteen minutes, one third off on every pitcher. 601%One per customer, domestic beer only. Hey, no sharing. 601%-- Moe, ``Bart Gets Hit by a Car'' 602%Homer: Is it done yet? Is it done yet? 602%Marge: Your meatloaf will be ready in eight seconds, Homer. 602%Homer: D'oh! Isn't there anything faster than a microwave? 602%-- Homer watches dinner cook, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 603%Four... three... two... one... Bing! We have meatloaf! 603%-- Homer watches dinner cook in the microwave, 603% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 604%I've got a dried-out end piece with your name on it, Lisa! 604%-- Homer serves dinner, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 605%Hm. Thursday. Meatloaf night. As it was, is now, and ever shall be. 605%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 606%Homer: What are you getting at? 606%Lisa: Well, you're always trying to teach me to be open-minded, try new 606% things, live life to the... 606%Homer: What are you talking about? Nobody's trying to teach you that! 606%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 607%Marge: Tomorrow night, it might be nice to go out for dinner. 607%Homer: Tomorrow night? Friday? Pork chop night? Marge! We haven't missed 607% pork chop night since the great pig scare in '87! 607%-- Marge suggests a change of pace, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 608%Hm. Friday night. Pork chops. From cradle to grave, etched 608%in stone and God's library somewhere in heaven... 608%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 609%Homer: Okay, okay, where do want to go? 609%Lisa: Anywhere but hamburgers, pizza, or fried chicken! 609%Homer: Fine! We'll go to Mars! 609%-- Lisa muses on drab dinner fare, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 610%Marge: Mm, there's that new sushi restaurant on Elm Street... 610%Bart: Sushi? Hey, maybe this is just one of those things you hear on 610% the playground, but isn't that raw fish? 610%Lisa: As usual, the playground has the facts right, but missed the point 610% entirely. 610%-- Marge suggests the family go to a Japanese restaurant, 610% `One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 611%Marge: Please, Homer, can't we try it? [going to a sushi bar] 611%Homer: No. 611%Lisa: Please, Dad, this argument humiliates us both. 611%Homer: If I said `no' the first time, what makes you think I'm going to 611% say `yes' the second time? 611%Lisa: Nothing, but you may say `yes' the ninety-ninth time. 611%Homer: Oh? Try me. 611%Lisa: Please, Dad. 611%Homer: No. 611%Lisa: Please, Dad. 611%Homer: No. 611%Lisa: Please, Dad. 611%Homer: No. 611%Lisa: Please, Dad. 611%Homer: No. 611%Lisa: Please, Dad. 611%Homer: No. 611%Lisa: Please, Dad. 611%Homer: Oh, okay, okay. 611%-- If at first you don't succeed, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 612%This is our karaoke bar. Now it is empty, but soon it will be hopping 612%with drunken Japanese businessmen. 612%-- Restaurant hostess, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 613%Bart: Akira, my good man, I'd like two sharks, an octopus and an eel. 613%Akira: Very good. 613%Bart: Do you have any giant squid? The kind that drags men to their deaths? 613%Akira: Not today. 613%-- At the Japanese restaurant, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 614%Come on, pal! Fugu me! 614%-- Homer snaps at Akira the waiter, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 615%Apprentice: But master, we need your skilled hands. 615%Master chef: My skilled hands are busy! 615%-- The master chef making the pretzel with Mrs. Krabappel, 615% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 616%Fan-fugu-tastic! 616%-- Homer eats some fugu, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 617%No need to panic. There is a map to the hospital on the back of menu. 617%-- Apprentice chef at the Japanese restaurant, 617% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 618%Dr. H: You have twenty-four hours to live. 618%Homer: Twenty-four hours! 618%Dr. H: Well, twenty-two. I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long. 618%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 619%Well, if there's one consolation, it's that you will feel no pain at all 619%until some time tomorrow evening, when your heart suddenly explodes. 619%-- Dr. Hibbert explains the consequences of eating tainted fugu, 619% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 620%Dr. H: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through 620% five stages. The first is denial. 620%Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying! [hugs Marge] 620%Dr. H: The second is anger. 620%Homer: Why you little! [steps towards Dr. H] 620%Dr. H: After that comes fear. 620%Homer: What's after fear? What's after fear? [cringes] 620%Dr. H: Bargaining. 620%Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while! 620%Dr. H: Finally, acceptance. 620%Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime. 620%Dr. H: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me. 620%-- Homer learns he's going to die, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 621%Homer: Marge! Why did you let me sleep so late? 621%Marge: You looked so peaceful lying there. 621%Homer: There'll be plenty of time for that! 621%-- Homer oversleeps to begin his final day on this earth, 621% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 622%I want to share something with you: 622%The three little sentences that will get you through life. 622% Number 1: [whispers] Cover for me. 622% Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! 622% Number 3: It was like that when I got here. 622%-- Homer tells Bart the secret, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 623%Next, we take some toilet paper, tear off some teensy little squares, 623%and stick one there... and there... and any place you're bleeding... 623%there... and there... Don't worry, the blood will hold it right on 623%your face. 623%-- Homer teaches Bart how to shave, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 624%Oh I want to be in that rumba 624%When the saints go over there! 624%-- Homer sings to Lisa's sax playing, 624% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 625%Ned: Simpson, what a pleasant surprise. We were just pulling taffy. 625%Homer: Gee, the fun never stops at the Flanders house, does it. 625%Ned: Heh heh, no sirree-bob! 625%-- Homer borrows Ned's camcorder, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 626%Homer: I'll even bring the thickest juciest T-bones you've ever seen. 626%Ned: Mm mm. Sounds terrif! 626%Homer: Heh, the joke's on him! I'll be dead by then! 626%-- Ned invites Homer over for a cookout, 626% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 627%Ahem. This is a videotape for my daughter Maggie. Hi, Maggie! I'm 627%speaking to you from beyond the grave. Woooooooo! Hee hee hee, hope 627%that didn't scare you. Well, Maggie, you're grown-up now, and unless 627%you've taped over this, you're probably wondering what sort of man 627%your father was. He was a simple man, a kind man, a gentle man who 627%loved his children and... [phone rings] D'oh! [answers] Hello! 627%Yeah, he's here, who is this? [scratches his butt] ... Bart's friend 627%Millhouse? Bart! Get your butt down here! 627%-- Homer tries to make a tape for Maggie, 627% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 628%Homer: Dad, we've never been too close, have we. 628%Grampa: Not to my knowledge. 628%Homer: Never one went fishing or played catch or even hugged each other. 628%Grampa: We never danced the hootchie-koo, either. Whatcher point? 628%-- Homer reconciles with his father, 628% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 629%Homer: [spots his harmonica-playing cell-mate] 629% That's sort of nice. What are you in for? 629%Man: Atmosphere. 629%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 630%Homer: [on the phone] You gotta help me, Barney, I'm in jail. 630%Barney: You are? Hey, Homer, go to the window. 630% [waves across the street to Homer] 630% Hiya neighbor! I can see you! 630%-- Homer lands in jail, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 631%Bart: Why are we all dressed up? 631%Marge: [staring out the window waiting for Homer] 631% Because sometimes it's fun to dress up for dinner. 631%Lisa: Why are we using the good china? 631%Marge: Because sometimes it's fun to use the good china. 631%Bart: What's with the candles? 631%Marge: Sometimes it's fun to use candles. 631%Lisa: Why are we waiting for Dad? 631%Marge: Because we love your father and enjoy his company. 631%Bart: Why are we waiting for Dad? 631%-- Homer is late for the last dinner of his life, 631% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 632%Burns: [peering through binoculars] 632% Smithers! Check out the luscious pair on that redhead. 632% [staring at her red pumps] 632% That's it baby, work those ankles! 632%Smithers: Ring-a-ding-ding, sir. 632%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 633%Homer: Hey Burns! Eat! my! shorts! 633%Burns: Who the Sam Hill was that? 633%Smithers: Why it's Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmos from sector 7-G. 633%Burns: Simpson, eh? 633%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 634%Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy. 634%Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz. 634%Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? A Seymour Butz? 634% Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! [realizes] 634% Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my 634% hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew! 634%-- Yet another phone prank, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 635%Moe, another last beer, please. 635%-- Homer, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 636%Moe: Please, not in public. 636%Man: You be dying! 636%Barney: Whoa! How European! [belch] 636%-- responses from the bar folk to Homer's good-bye kisses, 636% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 637%Marge: I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called, 637% `To a Husband'. 637%Homer: Okay, okay. 637%Marge: (Ahem.) The blackened clouds are forming. 637%Homer: Oh, give me a break, Marge. 637%Marge: Soon the rain will fall. 637% My dear one is departing. 637% But first, please heed this call. 637% That always will I love you, 637% My one, my love, my all. 637%-- ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 638%Goodbye, Maggie. Stay as sweet as you are. 638%Goodbye, Lisa. I know you'll make me proud. 638%Goodbye, Bart. ... I like your sheets. 638%-- Homer tucks in his children one last time, 638% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 639%Hi, I'm Larry King. 639%In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... 639%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 640%... lest I come and smite the earth with a curse. 640%Well, that's it. Old Fred [?] is standing by, we'll get some coffee, 640%we'll get some matzo-ball soup. I love the San Antonio Spurs, 640%by the way, if you're betting on the NBA this year, I think they'll 640%win it all. So I guess there's nothing more to say but... [closing music] 640%-- Bible-on-cassette, ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 641%I'm alive! From this day forward, I vow to live life to its fullest! 641%-- Homer realizes he's not dead after all, 641% ``One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish'' 642%Homer: Do you two have to sit so close to the TV? Back up, or it'll hurt 642% your eyes. 642%Bart: It will not. 642%Homer: [makes a fist] Yes, it will... 642%-- ``The Way We Was'' 643%Captain: Senator Mendoza is one of the most respected citizens in this state, 643% McBane. And yet you ran his limo off a cliff, broke the necks of 643% three of his bodyguards, and drove a bus through his front door? 643%McBane: But, Captain, I have prroof dat he is head of an international 643% drrug cartel! 643%Captain: I don't want to hear it, McBane! You're outta here! 643%McBane: [pushes the Captain out his office window, who falls into the 643% fountain in the plaza] Dat makes two of us. 643%-- Here's a typically brainless scene, ``The Way We Was'' 644%Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery! 644% [bangs on the TV and the picture gets worse] 644%Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc. 644%-- ``The Way We Was'' 645%Cheap Chinese TV, what did I ever buy it for... 645%-- Homer tries to fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was'' 646%Homer: [fiddling with the back of the set] Is that better? 646%Lisa+Bart: NOOOO! 646%Homer: How's this? [picture gets worse] 646%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 646%Homer: Okay, everybody remain calm. 646% [gives the TV a big whack; picture disappears] 646%Lisa+Bart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! 646%-- ``The Way We Was'' 647%Dear God, just give me one channel! [dramatic camera angle] 647%-- Homer can't fix the TV set, ``The Way We Was'' 648%I'm livin' it, but I ain't lovin' it. 648%-- Bart suffers through Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was'' 649%Lisa: How did Dad propose to you? 649%Marge: Oh, well... [ flashback ] 649%Doctor: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier, 649% I think we've found the reason why you've been 649% throwing up in the morning. 649% Congratulations. 649%Homer: Doh! [ end of flashback ] 649%Marge: Lisa, I'd rather tell you a different story ... 649%-- ``The Way We Was'' 650%Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English! 650%Homer: Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England. 650%-- ``The Way We Was'' 651%Friend: Don't you think you deserve to earn just as 651% much as a man who does the same job? 651%Marge: Well, not if I have to do heavy lifting or math. 651%-- ``The Way We Was'' 652%Barney: [bell rings] Oh no, we're late for wood shop! 652%Homer: But... we're early for lunch! Let's go grab a burger. 652%Barney: Boy, you never stop eating and you never gain a pound. 652%Homer: It's my metabomolism. I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones. 652%-- Life as a high school senior, ``The Way We Was'' 653%Marge: The first step to liberation is to free ourselves from 653% these male-imposed shackles! [lights a bra] [foom] 653%Friend: I didn't think it would burn so fast. 653%Marge: Mm, I guess it's the tissue paper inside. 653%-- ``The Way We Was'' 654%Barney: Hey, Estelle? Will you go to the prom with me? 654%Estelle: I wouldn't go to the prom with you if you were Elliot Gould! 654%Barney: Oh, shot down again... 654%Homer: Hey, don't worry, Barney, it's a big school. There's got to be a 654% girl nobody wants to take the the prom. 654%-- ``The Way We Was'' 655%Homer: So, uh, what are you in for? 655%Marge: I'm a political prisoner. Last time ever take a stand... 655%Homer: Well, I'm here for being me. 655% Every day, I show up, act like me, and they slap me in here. 655%Teacher: Simpson, be quiet! 655%Homer: I haven't seen you in school before. 655%Teacher: Okay, Simpson, 655%Homer: What? 655%Teacher: You just bought yourself 655% another day of detention. 655%Homer: Maybe we should get together sometime. 655%Teacher: Two days! 655%Marge: I'm sorry, I don't even know your name. 655%Homer: I'm Homer 655%Teacher: Three days! 655%Homer: J. 655%Teacher: Four days! 655%Homer: Simpson. 655%Teacher: Five days! 655%Homer: It was worth it! 655%Teacher: Six days! 655% Okay, Simpson, to the back of the room! 655% [ return to present ] 655%Lisa: So it was love a first sight! 655%Bart: It was a jailhouse romance, man! 655%Homer: I reached Step One: She knew I existed. 655% The only problem was, she didn't care. 655%-- The beginning of a beeootiful friendship? ``The Way We Was'' 656%Grampa: What's the matter, boy? 656%Homer: Nothing. 656%Grampa: You haven't said poo all night and usually I have to wrestle the 656% bucket [of `Shakespeare's Fried Chicken'] out of your greasy mitts. 656%Homer: Dad, I'm in love. 656%Grampa: Uh oh! Why don't you grab yourself a beer, boy. 656%Homer: But Dad, I don't drink ... 656%Grampa: Cut the crap! 656% [in a mocking voice] I just collect the cans, Daddy. 656% [in his normal voice] Now grab yourself a beer and get me one too. 656% Now, this girlfriend of yours, is she a real looker? 656%Homer: Uh huh. 656%Grampa: A lot on the ball? [ie, intelligent?] 656%Homer: Yeah. 656%Grampa: Oh, Son, don't overreach! 656% Go for the DENTED car, 656% the DEAD-END end job, 656% the LESS ATTRACTIVE girl. 656% Oh, I blame myself. I should've had this talk a long time ago. 656%Homer: Thanks, Pop. 656%-- Grampa's three words of advice, ``The Way We Was'' 657%Hi, I'm Homer Simpson, I need some guidance, Counselor. 657%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was'' 658%I just met this girl Marge Bouvier and I want to force her to like me. 658%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Way We Was'' 659%The only advice I can give you is, uh, 659%try to share common interests and spend, spend, spend. 659%-- Guidance counselor dispenses advice, ``The Way We Was'' 660%Counselor: Do you have any plans for after graduation? 660%Homer: Me? I'm gonna drink a lot of beer and stay out ALL NIGHT. 660%-- Homer visits the school guidance counselor, ``The Was We Was'' 661%Heh, heh, Imagine me in a nuclear power plant. KaBOOM! 661%-- Homer thinks about life after graduation, ``The Way We Was'' 662%Homer: My name's Homer Simpson, I'd like to sign up for something. 662%Mrs. B: Well, we have an opening on the debate team. 662%Homer: Debate, like, arguing? 662%Mrs. B: Yes. 662%Homer: I'll take THAT, you DINGPOT! 662% Just warming up, Mrs. Blumenstein. 662%-- Homer tries to share interests with Marge, ``The Way We Was'' 663%Mrs. B: This year's topic is 663% `Resolved: The national speed limit should be lowered 663% to 55 miles per hour.' 663%Homer: 55? That's ridiculous! 663% Sure, it'll save a few lives, 663% but millions will be late! 663%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was'' 664%Homer: Wait a minute. That word you keep calling me? 664%Artie: Ignoramus? 664%Homer: Ignoramus? It means I'm stupid, doesn't it! 664%Artie: There is a difference between ignorance and stupidity. 664%Homer: Not to me, there isn't! 664%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was'' 665%Mrs.B: Homer, would you like to present your rebuttal? 665%Homer: With pleasure. [turns around and moons the class] 665%-- Homer joins the debate team, ``The Way We Was'' 666%Look, I'm not asking you to like me, 666%I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position 666%where I can touch your goodies, 666%I'm just asking you to be fair. 666%-- Homer smooth-talks Marge, ``The Way We Was'' 667%Barney: Wanna go to the prom with me? 667%Girl: Good God, no! 667%Barney: Well-put. 667%-- Negative feedback, ``The Way We Was'' 668%Bart: Great story. [bangs TV] 668% Positively spellbinding. [bangs TV] 668% [to TV] Damn you. 668%Homer: Bart! Pay attention, 668% you may be telling this to your son if something breaks. 668%-- ``The Way We Was'' [double entendre alert] 669%Ooh. [spots hairs in his brush] Lost a few. 669%Well, there are plenty more where that came from. 669%-- Teenage Homer isn't worried about male pattern baldness, ``The Way We Was'' 670%Homer: Marge, when I see you forming the vowels and continents 670%Marge: Consonants. 670%Homer: consonants, with your beautiful mouth, 670% your beautiful breath pushing past 670% your beautiful teeth... 670%-- ``The Way We Was'' 671%So will you go out with me? Please say `Oui'. 671%-- Homer to Marge after a French lesson, ``The Way We Was'' 672%Homer: My tux is going to have the widest lapels, the most 672% ruffles, and the highest platform shoes you ever saw! 672%Marge: And maybe I'll wear my hair ... up. 672%-- Marge accepts Homer's invitation to the prom, ``The Way We Was'' 673%Get off the edge of your seat. 673%They got married, had kids, and bought a cheap TV, okay? 673%-- Bart fails to enjoy Homer and Marge's story, ``The Way We Was'' 674%Artie: Would you go to the prom with me? 674%Marge: Oh, 674%Artie: I can think of a dozen highly cogent arguments. 674% Now the first is from Time Magazine, dated January 8th, 1974 ... 674%-- ``The Way We Was'' 675%Mrs.B: If you pinch your cheeks, they'll glow. 675% A little more, try to break some capillaries, dear. 675%Marge: Couldn't we use just rouge for this? 675%Mrs.B: Ladies pinch. Whores use rouge. 675%-- ``The Way We Was'' 676%Selma: Marge's dates get homelier all the time. 676%Patty: That's what you get when you don't put out. 676% [Or maybe Patty and Selma. It's hard to tell.] 676%-- ``The Way We Was'' 677%Homer: You said you'd go the prom with me. 677%Marge: I also said I hated you, and we haven't even talked since then. 677%Homer: I was afraid you'd cancel our date, so I stayed away from 677% you completely, even though it meant skipping school 677% for three weeks and graduating this summer. I hope. 677%-- ``The Way We Was'' 678%Wait a second. Is that a bong-g? [student points at his throat] 678%You have asthma? All right. Move along. 678%-- Mr. Dondelinger chaperones the prom, ``The Way We Was'' 679%Hello, classmates. Instead of voting for some athletic hero or a pretty boy, 679%you have elected me, your intellectual superior, as your king. Good for you. 679%-- Artie Ziff's acceptance speech, ``The Way We Was'' 680%Driver: Well, where to now, Romeo? 680%Homer: Inspiration point. 680%Driver: Okay, but I'm only paid to drive. 680%-- Homer goes (alone) to Inspiration Point, ``The Way We Was'' 681%Artie: Marge, I would appreciate it 681% if you didn't tell anyone about my busy hands. 681% Not so much for myself, 681% but I am so respected, 681% it would damage the TOWN to hear it. 681% Good night. 681%Marge: Yeah, right. 681%-- ``The Way We Was'' 682%You know, when that Simpson boy showed up, it took years off my life. 682%-- Mr. Bouvier, ``The Way We Was'' 683%The Lord has handed down to us ten commandments by which to live. 683%I will now read them in no particular order. 683%-- Moses, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 684%I should box your ears, you, you, you SNEAKY PETE! 684%-- Flanders is upset at the cable TV hook-up man, 684% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 685%So you've decided to steal cable. 685%Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. 685%Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations, 685% which makes it okay. 685%-- Homer reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet, 685% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 686%It's funny 'cause it's true. 686%-- Homer laughs at a stand-up routine, [inside joke alert!] 686% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 687%I have an announcement to make: The Simpsons have cable! 687%-- Homer's important announcement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 688%Marge: Homer, we've talked about cable before. 688% You really think we can afford it? 688%Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that. 688%-- The Simpsons have cable! ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 689%Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. 689%Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less 689% and are repeated ad nauseum. 689%Hmm I don't know. 689%-- Marge reads the `So you've decided to steal cable' pamphlet, 689% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 690%TV: Hear Me Roar, the Network for Women. 690% In the next half-hour, we'll show you how to cut your first-aid 690% bill in half by making your own band-aids. 690%Marge: Ooh, that's a good idea. 690%TV: Now before we begin, you need five yards of sterilized cotton... 690%-- Something for everyone on cable, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 691%Homer: Ooh, pro wrestling from Mexico. 691% You know, down there, it's a sport. ... 691%Bart: Ooh, this is where Jaws eats the boat. ... 691% Ooh, this is where Die Hard jumps through the window. ... 691% Ho ho, this is where Wall Street gets arrested, ha ha. ... 691%TV: ``Mr Speaker, if I could call your attention to the 691% retroactive subsidy appropriations override bill, 691% I refer you to page four thousand five hundred and...'' 691%Homer: They must think people will watch anything... 691%TV: ``Live, from New Orleans, this is the World Series of cock-fighting! 691% Oh, son-of-a-gun, we'll have big fun on the Bayou tonight.'' ... 691% [time passes] 691% ``We could get there quicker if I borrowed Dad's car.'' 691% ``I don't know, Davey...'' 691%-- Watching cable all night, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 692%Rev. Lovejoy: Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks 692% he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube. And his 692% instant pizza-pie. 692%Homer: Ooh, pizza. [licks his lips] 692%-- Sunday sermon, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 693%Miss Allbright: Today's topic will be Hell. 693%Kids: Ooh. 693%Bart: All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness. 693% we get to the good stuff. 693%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 694%Miss Allbright: Hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms 694% your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur. You'll 694% be tormented day and night for ever and ever. As a matter of fact, 694% if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die. 694%Bart: [raises his hand] Oh, Miss Allbright. 694%M.A.: Yes, Bart. 694%Bart: Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub? 694%M.A.: No. 694%Bart: [raises his hand] 694%M.A.: Yes, Bart. 694%Bart: Are there pirates in hell? 694%M.A.: Yes. Thousands of them. 694%Bart: [rubs hands] Hoo hoo, baby! 694%-- Sunday School, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 695%Marge: So, what did you children learn about today? 695%Bart: Hell. 695%Homer: Bart! 695%Bart: But that's what we learned about. 695% I sure as HELL can't tell you we learned about HELL 695% unless I say HELL, can't I? 695%Homer: Well, the lad has a point. 695%Bart: Hell, yes! 695%Marge: Bart! 695%Bart: [singing] Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, ... 695%Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear. 695%-- Coming home from church, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 696%Troy: Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such movies as 696% `Cry, Yuma' and `Here Comes the Coast Guard'! But today I'd like 696% to tell you about a pleasant-tasting candy that actually cleans 696% and straightens your teeth! 696%Homer: Oh, goodie! A program-length advertisement! 696%Woman: [methodically] Wait a minute, Troy. I'm a little confused. 696% Did you say, cleans straightens? 696%Troy: There's no confusion, Tina. Just good science. Ladies and 696% gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera. 696%Nick: Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody! 696%Studio audience: Hi, Dr. Nick Riviera! 696%-- The `I Can't Believe They Invented It!' show, 696% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 697%Satan: Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Heh heh. 697% It won't cost you a thing ... EXCEPT YOUR SOUL! 697%Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs out] 697%Marge: What's gotten into Lisa? 697%Bart: Beats the HELL out of me! 697%Homer: Bart! 697%-- Lisa's conscience speaks, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 698%Lisa: Mom, what are you doing? 698%Marge: What, what do you mean? 698%Lisa: Don't you remember the eighth commandment? 698%Marge: Oh, of course. It's thou shalt not um not covet, um, 698% graven images, something about covet... 698%Lisa: THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!! 698%-- Marge eats two grapes in the supermarket, 698% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 699%If you didn't catch it in the theater, or rent it, or see it 699%someplace else ... We've got it! On the Blockbuster Channel! 699%-- TV advertisement, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 700%Lisa: Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption? 700%Homer: [sotto voce] Oh, great... 700% [speaking up] All right, what makes you say that? 700%Lisa: Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin. 700%Homer: Well, DUH. 700%Lisa: But everybody does it. 700% I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak. 700%Homer: Oh. Look at this way, when you had breakfast this morning, 700% did you pay for it? 700%Lisa: No. 700%Homer: And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing? 700%Lisa: No, I didn't. 700%Homer: Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker! Before I call the Feds! 700%Lisa: Dad, I think that's pretty spurious. 700%Homer: Well, thank you, honey. 700%-- There, I've run rings around you logically, 700% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 701%It's Watson-Tatum 2. This time... it's for money! 701%-- `The Bout to Knock the Other Guy Out', 701% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 702%How can one little insulated wire bring so much happiness! 702%-- Homer on the wonders of cable TV, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 703%Len: Hey, big fight coming up. 703%Karl: Yea, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round 703% updates on the radio? 703%Len: Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the 703% still photos on the 11-o'clock news. 703%Karl: Not too shabby! 703%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 704%Um, he's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones in sector 7-G. 704%-- Smithers to Mr. Burns, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 705%Smithers: Permission to speak frankly, sir? 705%Burns: Permission granted. 705%Smithers: Well, you are quite wealthy, ... 705%Burns: Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing. 705%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 706%I'll get my brother Sanjay to cover for me. He deplores violence of all kinds. 706%-- Apu excited about watching the upcoming fight, 706% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 707%Lisa: So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family, 707% that would be stealing? 707%Rev.: No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example. 707%Lisa: I see. 707%-- A clarification from Reverend Lovejoy, 707% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 708%TV: You're watching `Top Hat Entertainment'. Adult programming 708% all day, every day. (Except in Florida and Utah.) 708% Coming up next, `Stardust Mammaries'... 708%Bart: Aye, Carumba! 708%Homer: Bart! 708%Bart: Dad! [He didn't yell `Homer!'] 708%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 709%Son, you shouldn't watch that other channel. It's only for 709%mommies and daddies who love each other very much. 709%-- Homer catches Bart watching an adult cable channel, 709% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 710%Lisa: Hi, Dad. 710% I think stealing cable is wrong, 710% so I am choosing not to watch it 710% in the hopes that others will follow my example. 710% That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter. 710% Thank you for your time. 710%Homer: Hey, Lisa... `Racing From Belmont'? Horsies! 710%Lisa: Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven. 710%-- Lisa takes the high ground, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 711%There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral. 711%Why can't she be more like ... well, not like Bart... 711%-- Homer muses on Lisa's moral posturing, 711% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 712%The cable stays! The foot has spoken! 712%-- Homer puts his foot down, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 713%Homer: Hey, how'd you get in here? 713%Man: Oh, your door wasn't locked in any serious way. 713%-- Homer finds a man in his living room, 713% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 714%Marge, we can't be too careful. There are thieves everywhere. 714%And I'm not talking about the small forgiveable stuff. 714%-- Homer installs bars on the windows, 714% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 715%Bart: Come one, come all! Top Hat Theater is on the air! 715% The most beautiful women in the world! 715% Just fifty cents! 715% I am your host, Bart Simpson! 715% (Must be at least eight years old to enter.) 715%TV: And now, the `Top Hat' channel is honored to present... 715% `Broadcast Nudes'. 715%Gang: Oooooohh... 715%Millhouse: Gross! 715%Martin: Yet strangely compelling... 715%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 716%Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules. 716%-- Bart is caught watching a cable porn channel, [Burger King alert!] 716% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 717%Here, I brought some imported generic beer. 717%-- Barney brings a gift, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 718%Apu: Oh, hello, Mrs. Homer. I brought an assortment of jerkys. 718%Homer: Oh, did you swipe those from work? 718%Apu: Certainly not. What has been implied here? 718%-- Apu arrives to watch the fight on Homer's stolen cable TV, 718% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 719%I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching 719%this fight as my form of nonviolent protest. 719%-- Lisa refuses to watch stolen cable, 719% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 720%Hey, go protest outside, will ya? Now! 720%-- Homer yells at Lisa who simply stares at him, 720% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 721%Homer: Quick, Bart! Hide the stuff I borrowed from work! 721%Bart: Borrowed? 721%Homer: All, right, that stuff I stole from work. 721%-- Panicking when Mr. Burns arrives, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 722%Will you quit staring at me like that!? 722%-- Homer to Lisa who is staring innocently at Homer from outside, 722% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 723%Cop: Word on the street is that you have an illegal cable hookup. 723%Homer: No! No, I... It wasn't me. It was my wife. My wife's idea. 723% Yeah, yeah, ... 723%-- ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 724%When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end, 724%they will do the right thing. 724%-- Marge to Lisa, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 725%Announcer: The challenger learned how to fight in the notorious province[?] 725% of Capital City, and honed his skills while serving time for 725% aggravated assault and manslaughter in Springfield Prison. 725%Barney: Awright! A local boy! 725%Tatum: For five years, I was incarcerated, away from my family, and 725% the mothers [sic] of my children... 725%-- Watching the pre-fight hype, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 726%I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know that 726%I've made a couple of really important decisions. 726%Number 1: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over, and 726%Number 2: I'm not very fond of any of you. 726%-- Homer, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 727%Lisa: Dad, we may have saved your soul. 727%Announcer: [from the TV inside] Tatum is reeling from the champ's 727% exquisite hailing... 727%Homer: Yeah, at the worst possible time! 727%-- Cutting the cable hook-up, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 728%Apu: What a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns? 728%Burns: Oh, hogwash! Why, I once watched Gentleman Jim Corbett 728% fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen 728% rounds! Back then, of course, if the fight lasted less than 728% fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back! 728%-- After watching the big fight, ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 729%Dad, I beg you to reconsider. 729%Tractor pulls. Atlanta Braves baseball. Joe Franklin! 729%-- Bart begs Homer not to cut the cable hook-up, 729% ``Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'' 730%Marge: Mmm, Lisa, you don't look well. 730%Lisa: I'll make it Mom. Just tape my lunchbox to my hand. 730%-- Lisa wakes up ill, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 731%Homer: Maaarge, the dog is hungry. 731%Marge: Well, then, feed him. 731%Homer: Yeees, Master. 731%-- Do I have to do everything around here? ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 732%Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa[?] stays home, stay home. 732%Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school. 732%Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... 732% [eyes dart madly as an indication of frantic neural activity] 732% If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa 732% stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school... 732%Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that. 732%-- There, I've run rings around you logically. 732% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 733%Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps! 733%-- Bart telling Lisa how to enjoy being ill, 733% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 734%You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation. 734%-- Apu shooing Santa's Little Helper away, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 735%You know, they've got the velcro straps, a water pump in the tongue, 735%built-in odometer, reflective sidewalls, and little vanity licence plates! 735%-- Ned Flanders showing off his `Assassins' sneakers, 735% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 736%Dr. Hibert: I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady. 736%Lisa: Oh no. I don't want to fall behind my class. 736%Dr. Hibert: Ho ho ho. Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl. 736%-- Lisa is diagnosed with the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 737%Take a rest, have yourself a wowwipop. 737%-- Dr. Hibert's prescription for the mumps, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 738%Yello? ... Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? ... The mumps? Ooh, the kissing disease. 738%-- Homer learns on the phone that Lisa has the mumps, 738% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 739%The memory of a million drop stitches flows in your veins. 739%-- Marge telling Lisa she is genetically programmed to know how to sew. 739% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 740%You just need to develop a callous. [pricks her finger and lights a lighter 740%under it] You see? Now a sewing finger, honey. 740%-- Marge showing Lisa how to sew, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 741%Homer: Oh, 125 bucks... 741% [Flanders appears in a `thought' balloon over Homer's head] 741%Flanders: Sometimes, you got to spoil yourself... spoil yourself... 741% spoil yourself... 741%Homer: But I can't afford to... 741%Flanders: Simpson! I order you to buy those shoes! 741%Homer: Okay, Flanders, you're the boss! Heh heh heh. 741%-- Homer and his conscience? ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 742%Bart: Here's your stupid homework. 742%Lisa: Ooh. Phonics, functions, vocabulary, ... remedial reading? 742% Oh, do your own homework, Bart! 742%Bart: D'oh! 742%-- Bart delivers Lisa's homework, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 743%Marge: Those are very elaborate sneakers. 743%Bart: They better be, for 125 big ones! 743%Homer: D'oh! 743%Marge: 125 dollars?!? 743%Homer: Bart! [strangles Bart] 743%Bart: Wauuugh! 743%Marge: Homer! 743%Homer: D'oh! 743%-- Caught in the crossfire, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 744%Marge: I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases. 744%Homer: Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had 744% a single fire. 744%Marge: Mmm... 744%-- Homer buys expensive sneakers, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 745%As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest! 745%-- pitchman Troy McClure on `I Can't Believe They Invented It!' 745% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 746%Marge: Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here. 746%Bart: Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your answer to everything... 746%-- finding a school for Santa's Little Helper, 746% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 747%Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively? 747%Miss Winthrop: The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and 747% change color, ever so slightly. 747%Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am? 747%Miss Winthrop: Ah ha ha, you don't know how often I'm asked that. 747% `Choke chain' is a misnomer. 747% Trust me. They are always breathing. 747%-- demonstrating the use of the choke chain, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 748%Lisa: Gee, is it always this good? 748%Marge: Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out. 748% I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, 748% and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house. 748%-- watching a love scene on a TV soap opera, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 749%Woman: Father McGrath... I thought you were dead. 749%Fr. McGrath: I was! 749%-- soap opera on television, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 750%I'm sorry, sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog. 750%-- shoe store clerk, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 751%Girl: Aloha! Would you like a free sample? 751%Homer: The price is right! [stuffs them furiously into his mouth] 751% Mmm.. Ooh.. Macamadamia nuts. 751%Girl: If you'd like to buy some, they're only a dollar each. 751%Homer: Oh, so your little plan. Get us addicted, then jack 751% up the price! [as he talks, cookie crumbs splatter out of his 751% mouth, dirtying up his shirt] ... [meekly] Well, you win. 751%-- at the Cookie Collossus store, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 752%Look Mom, I've finished my patch. 752%It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life. 752%[cough cough] 752%On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school? 752%He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of 752%its beauty and soul. 752%And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy. 752%He taught me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out 752%of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it. 752%-- Lisa describes her contribution to the Bouvier Memory Quilt. 752% ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 753%Marge: [weeping] My quilt! Six generations, ruined! 753%Homer: Now Marge, honey honey honey. Come on, come on, don't get upset. 753% It's not the end of the world. We all love that quilt, 753% but we can't get too attached to... OHH!!! MY COOKIE!!! 753%-- Homer tries to console Marge after Santa's Little Helper 753% chews up the quilt (and Homer's cookie) ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 754%Homer: Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting. 754%Bart: We never had a family meeting before... 754%Homer: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before. 754%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F'' 755%Lisa: I'm sure Mom agrees with me. 755%Marge: Mmm. No, I'm afraid I agree with your father. 755%Homer: You do? [taunting and dancing] Ha ha ha ha ha. 755%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F'' 756%Lisa: This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, 756% but we can't question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the 756% way to solve a problem with something we love is to throw it away? 756%Homer: [weeping] Oh, Lisa. If they're ever going to pull the plug on me, 756% I want you in my corner, honey. 756%-- what to do about Santa's Little Helper? ``Bart's Dog Gets a F'' 757%``Free to loving home. World's most brilliant dog. Says `I Love You' 757%on command.'' 757%-- advertisement for selling Santa's Little Helper, ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' 758%Now... Sit! 758%I said, Sit! [Santa's Little Helper walks away] 758%Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. 758%See? He does exactly what I tell him. 758%-- Bart trying to demonstrate his control over the dog, 758% ``Bart's Dog Get an F'' 759%You son of a bitch. Good show! 759%-- Dog obedience instructor to Santa's Little Helper, 759% ``Bart's Dog Get an F'' 760% Buddy -- Ran away from home. 760% Lao Tzu -- Ate poison toad: now in a coma. 760%Santa's Little Helper -- Bit Bart. Homer didn't mind. 760%-- The eventual fates of the dogs in the obedience school, 760% ``Bart's Dog Get an F'' 761%Homer: Marge honey, I've got five words to say to you! 761% [one word per finger] Greasy Joe's Bottomless Barbecue... 761% [realizes he needs his left hand] Pit. 761%Marge: Oh, Homey, remember you told me you'd try to limit pork to six 761% servings a week? 761%Homer: Marge! I'm only human! 761%-- ``Principal Charming'' 762%Friends, relatives, work-related acquaintances... 762%-- Rev. Lovejoy greets the wedding guests, ``Principal Charming'' 763%Lisa: Aunt Selma? 763%Selma: [grunt] 763%Lisa: Do you think you'll ever married? 763%Selma: [sadly] Oh, I don't know. [perks up] Why? You know somebody? 763%Lisa: No. 763%Selma: [grunt] 763%Lisa: Since I'm sure you'd only resent the pity of an eight-year-old niece, 763% I'll simply hope that you're one of the statistically insignificant 763% number of forty-year-old single women who ever find their fair prince. 763%-- ``Principal Charming'' 764%Marge: You owe me a favor. 764%Homer: [whining] Oh... 764%Marge: To be called up whenever and for whatever reason I desire. 764%Homer: But that was just an idle promise! 764%-- Marge cashes in a favor, ``Principal Charming'' 765%Homer: Which one's Selma, again? 765%Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, 765% and walking through the park on clear autumn days. 765%Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like 765% to be ... you know ... touched. 765%Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy 765% thrust upon her. 765%-- ``Principal Charming'' 766%Marge: You will find her [Selma] a man! 766%Homer: [conceding] All right. 766%Marge: And not just any man. 766%Homer: [annoyed] Okay! 766%Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome. 766%Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!? 766%-- ``Principal Charming'' 767%Mrs. K: Sodium tetrasulfate is highly toxic, and can remove your skin. 767% [pours into a beaker] Say when... [chuckles] 767%Martin: That will do. [Mrs. K stops pouring, and spills quite a bit] 767%Bart: What's this stuff for? 767%Martin: It's chiefly used in the manufacture of rayons, film, and 767% as a preservative in fast foods. 767%-- Chemistry class, ``Principal Charming'' 768%Karl... Too handsome. 768%Smithers... Jerk. 768%Ms. Finch... Not a man. 768%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law, 768% ``Principal Charming'' 769%Boy, a good man really hard to find. 769%-- Homer searches for a husband for Selma, ``Principal Charming'' 770%One seafood burrito, Apu. 770%-- Homer makes a purchase from the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Principal Charming'' 771%Apu... Pro: Discounted snack treats. Con: Dangerous profession. 771%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law, 771% ``Principal Charming'' 772%I am loathe to interrupt your meditation, sir, but the time has come for 772%money to change hands. 772%-- Apu snaps Homer out of his daze at the Kwik-E-Mart register, 772% ``Principal Charming'' 773%?... Pro: Nice stride. Con: Complete stranger. 773%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law, 773% ``Principal Charming'' 774%Pro: Smoker. Con: Just a sign. 774%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law, 774% ``Principal Charming'' 775%Say what they will about our cafeteria, I still think they're the best 775%tater tots money can buy. 775%-- Principal Skinner eats his lunch at school, ``Principal Charming'' 776%Principal Skinner: Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew that you were 776% writing your own name in forty-foot-high letters on the field, and that 776% you would be caught. 776%Bart: Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir. 776%Principal Skinner: There are no other Barts! 776%Bart: Uh oh. 776%-- Another visit to the principal's office, ``Principal Charming'' 777%Bart: Hello, is Homer there? 777%Moe: Homer who? 777%Bart: Homer... Sexual. 777%Moe: Wait one second, let me check. [calls] Uh, Homer Sexual? Hey, come on, 777% come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual! [guffaws from the 777% gang] You rotten liver pot! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my 777% teeth into your cheek and rip your face off! 777%-- ``Principal Charming'' 778%Principal Skinner... 778%Pros: * Uses big words. 778% * Dislikes the boy. 778% * [something] 778%Cons: * Possible Homer Sexual. 778%-- Homer weighs the pros and cons of potential suitors for his sister-in-law, 778% ``Principal Charming'' 779%Homer: Principal Skinner, allow me to introduce you to my wife's lovely 779% (and available) sister, Selma. 779%Patty: You bozo, I'm Patty! 779%Homer: What!? 779%Skinner: [dreamily] Patty... 779%Homer: D'oh!! Wrong one! 779%-- Homer introduces Principal Skinner to the wrong woman, 779% ``Principal Charming'' 780%I tried to repel him, I really did! 780%-- Patty to Selma, on Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming'' 781%Patty: I'll have a Lady Laramie 100's please. 781%Selma: We both know it could have easily been me. Very easily. 781% [to Apu] Laramie Hi-Tars, hard pack, and I don't have all day. 781%Apu: Ooh, all right, here you go. Smoke them in good health. 781%-- ``Principal Charming'' 782%I suggest we start with the Springfield Revolving Restaurant. 782%You know, food tastes better when you're revolving. 782%-- Principal Skinner takes Patty out for a date, ``Principal Charming'' 783%Principal Skinner: That was the worst movie I've ever seen. 783%Patty: Not as bad as the service at the revolving restaurant. 783%Principal Skinner: Ho ho ho. Isn't it nice we hate the same things? 783%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming'' 784%Principal Skinner: So, see me again tomorrow? 784%Patty: [grunt] I'm afraid that's my microwave cookery class. 784%Principal Skinner: Then the day after that. 784%Patty: Oh, gee. Tae kwon do. 784%Principal Skinner: The day after that, then. 784%Patty: Seymour, you're touching me. 784%Principal Skinner: Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties. 784%Patty: Hai-ya! [gives him a healthy karate (or whatever) chop] 784%-- The end of a first date, ``Principal Charming'' 785%Principal Skinner: I'm going to ask for your Aunt Patty's hand in marriage. 785%Bart: It's your funeral, Seymour. 785%-- ``Principal Charming'' 786%Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not a picky man. [belch] 786%-- Barney comes to the rescue when Homer needs to find a husband for Selma? 786% ``Principal Charming'' 787%Clerk: A good rule of thumb is two years' salary, sir. Try this. 787%Principal Skinner: I can't afford that, I'm an educator! 787%Bart: Seymour... 787%Principal Skinner: I'll take it. 787%-- Buying an engagement ring for Patty, ``Principal Charming'' 788%Oh, Springfield Elementary! I will have you back again. After all, 788%tomorrow is another school day! 788%-- Principal Skinner, ``Principal Charming'' 789%And then when I got out of the service, eh, uh... Well, the next few years 789%are a blur. 789%-- Barney, ``Principal Charming'' 790%Barney: She broke my heart, Moe. [sobs] 790%Moe: Don't worry, Barney. Time heals all wounds. 790%Barney: [perks up] Well, whaddya know! You're right! 790% And look, a whole pitcher to myself! 790%-- Every cloud has a silver lining? ``Principal Charming'' 791%Grampa: The screen was too small. 791%Jasper: The floor was sticky. 791%Grampa: The romantic subplot felt tacked-on. 791%Jasper: In short, we demand a refund. 791%-- Complaining at the movie theater, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 792%... and thank you most of all for nuclear power, 792%which has yet to cause a single proven fatality. 792%At least in this country. Amen. 792%-- Homer, saying grace, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 793%Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, 793%and Lisa doesn't get to go to college. 793%-- Homer, threatening his kids, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 794%Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son. 794%Homer: What is it, Dad? 794%Grampa: Peeyoo! Not that close! Sheesh. 794% Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die 794% someday. 794%Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination. 794%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 795%Hey handsome, wanna `dunk' the `clown'? 795%-- Carnival girl/prostitute, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 796%She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money. 796%-- Grampa, remembering an affair, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 797%Granma: Abe, I want Homer to grow up respecting his father. 797% He must never know about that, that carnival incident. 797%Grampa: Okay. 797%Granma: Promise you won't tell him. 797%Grampa: I promise. 797% [end of flashback] 797%Grampa: Oops! Forget what I just told you. 797%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 798%Homer: This makes me special, Dad. Since I'm the one you kept, that 798% must mean you really loved me. 798%Grampa: Mm. Interesting theory. 798%-- hospital visit, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 799%Lisa: A long-lost half-brother. How Dickensian! 799%Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives? 799%Homer: Bart! 799%Bart: His parents aren't married are they? 799% It's the correct word, isn't it? 799%Homer: I guess he's got us there. 799%Marge: Mmm... 799%Bart: [singing] 799% Bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard, bastard bastard! 799%Marge: Bart! 799%Homer: Bart! Baart! 799%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 800%Homer: Oh brother, where art thou! 800%Attendant: Take it easy, buddy, they moved across the street. 800%Homer: Oh, hee hee. Sorry. 800%-- looking for the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 801%Director: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. 801% I myself have spent years searching for long-lost twin brother. 801%Homer: Yeah yeah yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking 801% for brother today. 801%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 802%Director: Your brother could be anywhere. Even ... Detroit. 802%Homer: I know he could be , 802% that's why I want you to narrow it down! Please! 802%Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of love 802% isn't Philadelphia, it's ... Detroit. 802%Homer: Well, if you asked me, changing the subject makes you the 802% most worthess, heartless excuse for a human being I ever... 802%Director: Read between the lines, Mr. Simpson! 802%Homer: Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you 802% tell me where my brother lives? 802%-- visit to the orphanage, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 803%Let's see. Powell, Powell, Powell... 803%Pomerantz, Poole, Popkins, Potter, Quigley, Quimby, Randal, oops, too far. 803%-- Homer, looking through the phone book, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 804%Homer: Hello? Hello? Stupid phone! [bangs the phone] 804%Herbert: Hey, knock it off. I'm here! 804% I'm just silent because of the emotion involved. 804%Homer: Oh. Sorry. 804%-- first contact with his brother, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 805%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet? 805%Homer: Just a little further! 805%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet? 805%Homer: Just a little fur... 805%Bart+Lisa: Are we there yet? 805%Homer: Just a little further!! 805%Marge: Bart! Lisa! If you don't behave, we'll turn this car 805% right around and go home. 805%Homer: But Marge, I want to see my brother! 805%Marge: Oh, for God sakes, Homer, it's an empty threat. 805%-- car ride, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 806%Herbert: Every day we're losing ground to the Japanese and I want to know why. 806%Advisor: Oh, unfair trade practices? 806%Advisor: Mushy-headed one-worlders in Washington? 806%Advisor: Some sort of gypsy curse? 806%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 807%People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads! 807%-- Herbert Powell, board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 808%Herbert: You, what are your roots? 808%Advisor: Well, I guess you could say they extend to when the Angles met 808% the Saxons... [all except Herbert chuckle] 808%Herbert: Or in other words, when white met bread. 808%-- board meeting, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 809%Holy moly, the bastard's rich! 809%-- Homer, seeing his brother's mansion, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 810%Homer: And our three children: Bart, Lisa ... 810%Maggie: [falls down] [thud] 810%Homer: ... and Maggie. 810%Bart: Hello, sir. 810%Lisa: Hello, Mr. Powell. 810%Herbert: All born in wedlock? 810%Homer: [whispers] Yeah, though the boy was a close call. 810%-- introducing his family, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 811%Herbert: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. 811% Any time you're hungry, any time day or night, 811% Cook will make you anything you want. 811%Homer: Even pork chops? 811%Herbert: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, 811% a screening room... 811%Homer: If I want pork chops any time in the middle of the night, 811% your guy will fry them up? 811%Herbert: Sure, that's what he's paid for. 811% Now, if you need towels, laundry, maids... 811%Homer: Wait, wait, wait. Lemme see if I got this straight. 811% It's Christmas Day, 4am, there's a rumble in my stomach... 811%Marge: Homer, please. 811%-- touring the estate, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 812%Herbert: So, Marge, a little about yourself. 812%Marge: Well, I met Homer in high school. We got married and had three 812% beautiful children. 812%Herbert: Wow. We have so much catching up to do. 812%Marge: Mm. Actually, I just told you pretty much everything. 812%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 813%Bart: Watch me dive! 813%Lisa: Watch me dive! 813%Homer: OKAY, we're watching! 813%Marge: I hope we're not spoiling them... 813% [they dive] 813%Bart: Man, you weren't watching, I did a double gainer with a half... 813%Lisa: Hey, you didn't see what I did, you didn't watch me dive... 813%-- poolside, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 814%A millionaire!? Ooh, I kept the wrong one. 814%-- Grampa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 815%Bart: Unkie Herb, can I spit over the side? 815%Herbert: Heh heh heh. I love this kid. Hock your brains out! 815% [Bart spits, as does Herbert] 815%Bart: Ho! Got him! 815%-- in a balloon, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 816%Hello, cook? 816%Sorry to bother you so late, but I got a hankering for some... 816%That's right. Don't forget the applesauce! 816%-- Homer, on the phone late at night, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 817%Herbert: And I want to pay you $200,000 a year! 817%Homer: And I want to let you! 817%-- hiring Homer as a consultant, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 818%Herbert: Hey Homer, how's your car coming? 818%Homer: Oh, fine. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other 818% and rack-and-peanut steering. 818%-- first day on the job, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 819%Herbert: Do you understand? 819%Homer: Sort of. 819%Herbert: Homer? 819%Homer: What. 819%Herbert: Answer me again with self-confidence! 819%Homer: SORT OF! 819%-- pep talk, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 820%Some things are so snazzy they never go out of style! 820%Like tail fins... And bubble domes... And shag carpeting... 820%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 821%Hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said. 821%-- Herbert, to his advisor, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 822%I want a horn here, here, and here. 822%You can never find a horn when you're mad. 822%And they should all play `La Cucaracha'. 822%-- Homer, designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 823%Advisor: What about a separate soundproof bubble-dome for the kids 823% with optional restraints and muzzles? 823%Homer: Bullseye! 823%-- designing a car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 824%Lisa: The mouse is named Itchy and the cat is named Scratchy. 824%Bart: They hate each other. 824%Lisa: And they're not shy about expressing it. 824%-- ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 825%To think I wasted my life in boardrooms, and stockholders meetings, 825%when I could've been watching cartoons! 825%-- Herbert Powell, watching `Itchy and Scratchy' 825% ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 826%Hello there. Do you miss the Antarctic? 826%-- Lisa, talking to a penguin at the zoo, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 827%Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed stockholders, 827%members of the press, Your Holiness... 827%-- Herbert Powell, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 828%All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way. 828%Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball. 828%Now, at last, I have found it. 828%-- Homer, describing his car, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 829%Homer: Gee Herb, because of me you lost your business, your home, and all 829% your possessions. I can't help but think that maybe you'd have been 829% better off if I'd never come into your life. 829%Herbert: Maybe I would have been better off? 829% MAYBE! 829% Why you sponge-head. Of COURSE I'd have been better off. 829% As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother! 829%Marge: Mm. Maybe he just said that to make conversation. 829%-- Herbert leaving forever, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 830%His life was an unbridled success until he found out... he was a Simpson. 830%-- Lisa, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 831%Bart: Dad? 831%Homer: What is it, boy? 831%Bart: I thought your car was really cool. 831%Homer: Thanks boy! I was waiting for someone to say that. 831%-- driving home, ``Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?'' 832%Marge: You know, be old someday. 832%Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home 832% like I did to my dad, would you? 832%Bart: [considering the idea] Well... 832%Homer: Aaah! 832%-- After another miserable Sunday with Grampa, ``Old Money'' 833%Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place 833%at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time! 833%-- Grampa asks Bea Simmons out, ``Old Money'' 834%Yo, active wear? Need a price check on a wool shoal. 834%-- Clerk at `Grandma's World', ``Old Money'' 835%Do not feed the animals. Do not allow animals inside the car. 835%Do not make eye contact with animals. 835%-- Lisa reads the instruction pamphlet for Discount Lion Safari, ``Old Money'' 836%Mr. Simpson, I presume. 836%-- Very British `Discount Lion Safari' guide, ``Old Money'' 837%You know, Jasper, they may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know 837%she died of a broken heart. 837%-- Grampa mourns Bea's passing, ``Old Money'' 838%You can tell she really cared for me. She didn't make me a pallbearer. 838%-- Grampa watches the pallbearers struggle with the casket, ``Old Money'' 839%Homer: I can't tell you how sorry I am, Dad. 839%Grampa: Is someone talking to me? I didn't hear anything. 839%Homer: Oh no! Dad's lost his hearing! 839%-- Grampa disowns Homer, ``Old Money'' 840%Hutz: There is one catch... You must spend one night in... a haunted house! 840%Grampa: [gasp!] 840%Hutz: Just kidding. 840%-- Grampa inherits $106,000, ``Old Money'' 841%Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. It looks 841%just like a cigar. Isn't that something! 841%-- Lionel Hutz leaves a calling card, ``Old Money'' 842%Grampa: Has it ever occurred to you that old folks deserve to be treated 842% like human beings! whether they have money or not? 842%Director: Yes, but it passes. 842%-- The retirement home director tries to get his hands on... ``Old Money'' 843%Oh, Abraham, calm down. I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting 843%a family in Texas. 843%-- Bea's ghost appears, ``Old Money'' 844%Hiya. You have reached Doctor Marvin Monroe's anxiety line. 844%If you have a sullen teenager, press `1'.. NOW! 844%If you are estranged from your spouse, press `2'... NOW! 844%If you have trouble maintaining an... 844%-- ``Old Money'' 845%Monroe: It's a special isolation chamber. The subject pulls levers to receive 845% food and water. The floor can become electrified, and showers of 845% icy water randomly fall on the subject. I call it... The Monroe Box! 845%Grampa: Uh huh. Sounds interesting. How much will it cost to build? 845%Monroe: Oh, that's the beauty part! It's already built! I need the money 845% to buy a baby to raise in the box until the age of thirty. 845%Grampa: What are you trying to prove? 845%Monroe: Well, my theory is that the subject will be socially maladjusted and 845% will harbor a deep resentment towards me. 845%Grampa: Mm. Interesting. 845%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money'' 846%Man: With proper funding, I'm confident this little baby could destroy 846% an area the size of New York City. 846%Grampa: But I want to help people, not kill them! 846%Man: Oh. Well, to be honest, the ray only has applications... 846%-- Everybody wants to get their hands on... ``Old Money'' 847%Lisa: The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the slums. 847% They're little children who need more library books, and they're 847% families who can't make ends meet. Of course, if you really wanted 847% to, you could buy me a pony. 847%Grampa: You're right! 847%Lisa: I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day! 847%-- Lisa suggests how Grampa could spend his... ``Old Money'' 848%Homer: A double cheeseburger, onion rings, large strawberry shake, and 848% for God's sakes, hurry! 848%Voice: [unintelligible, thanks to the poor-quality microphone] 848%-- The drive-through window of a Krusty Burger, ``Old Money'' 849%Grampa: I think Rudyard Kipling said it best: If you can make one heap 849% of all your winnings and risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, 849% and lose, and start again at your beginnings, and never breathe 849% a word about your loss, yours is the earth is everything that is 849% in it, and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son. 849%Homer: You'll be a bonehead! 849%-- Trying to stop Grampa from risking it all at the casino, ``Old Money'' 850%Grampa: Put it all on 41. [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number. 850%Roulette man: The wheel only goes to 36. 850%Grampa: Okay, put it all on 36. 850% [nudges Homer] I've got a feeling about that number. 850%-- Grampa at the casino, ``Old Money'' 851%Krusty: Okay kids, it's time to... 851%Kids: Kroon Along With Krusty! Yeah! 851% [singing] 851% I want to go to Mt. Splashmore, 851% Take me, take me, take me, take me now! 851% Now! Now! Now! Now! Now! 851% Mt. Splashmore, take me there right now! Yay! 851%-- ``A rather shameless promotion'', ``Brush with Greatness'' 852%Homer: [asleep on the couch, drool dripping out of his mouth] 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No. 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No. 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No! 852% [following Homer walking down the hallway] 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No. 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No. 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No. 852% [at the dinner table] 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No. 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No! 852% [as Homer watches television with a beer in his hand] 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No. 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No. 852% [as Homer takes a shower] 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: No!! 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: NO!!!! 852% [as Homer tries to get some sleep] 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: NO!!!!!! 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: NO!!!!!!!! 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: NOOO!! 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: NOOOOO!!! 852% [Marge pulls her pillow over her head] 852% If I take you will you two SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME! 852%Bart: Yeah! 852%Lisa: Of course! 852%Bart: Well? 852%Bart+Lisa: Will you take us to Mt. Splashmore? 852%Homer: Yes! 852%Bart+Lisa Thanks, Dad! 852%-- The persistence of memory? ``Brush with Greatness'' 853%Everybody stick together. We don't want to get separ... 853%[turns around, everybody is gone] D'oh! 853%-- Homer's instructions to the family at Mt. Splashmore, 853% ``Brush with Greatness'' 854%Challenge the raging water of DEATH. 854%Dare to discover what water is really made of! 854%H2WHOA! 854%-- Mt. Splashmore announcer, ``Brush with Greatness'' 855%Bart: Okay, Lis. Turn on the water works, babe. 855%Lisa: [crying] Mommy! I want my mommy! [sob sob] 855%-- How to get to the front of the line for a ride at Mt. Splashmore, 855% ``Brush with Greatness'' 856%Eyewitnesses estimate the man's weight at somewhere between four and 856%five hundred pounds. 856%-- Newscaster on Homer's getting stuck in the water slide, 856% ``Brush with Greatness'' 857%Krusty: [surrounded by reporters] 857% No, this slide is perfectly safe. This was an isolated incident. 857%Kent Brockman: I understand that Krusty... [lost in the reporters' yelling] 857% Krusty! Was that exactly what you said just before the recall of 857% tainted `Krusty Brand Mayonnaise'? 857%Krusty: Now kids, you know that question is out of bounds. 857% This interview is over. 857%-- ``Brush with Greatness'' 858%Homer: All right, family. I want the truth. Don't pull any punches. 858% [sweetly] Am I just a little bit overweight? 858% [silence] 858% [angrily] Well, am I? 858%Lisa: Forgive us, Dad, but it takes time to properly sugar-coat a response. 858%-- Ooh, and a split infinitive, too, ``Brush with Greatness'' 859%Oh! Four hundred and thirty-seven... Fifty pounds? 859%Oh my God! Three hundred and... A hundred and fifty? 859%OH! Ooh. OH! Ooh. 859%Oh my God! It's two hundred and sixty pounds! 859%I'm a big fat pig! 859%-- The ups and downs of dieting with a shaky scale, ``Brush with Greatness'' 860%Marge: You do have big bones. 860%Homer: Marge, no one gains thirty pounds of bones! 860%-- Homer finds he weighs 260 pounds, ``Brush with Greatness'' 861%I am going on a diet. 861%From this day forward, I pledge there will be no pork chop too succulent! 861%No donut too tasty! 861%No pizza too laden with delicious toppings 861%to prevent me from reaching my scientifically-determined ideal weight! 861%As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!! 861%-- Homer, upon realizing he needs to lose weight, ``Brush with Greatness'' 862%Bart: Hey, Homer, I found your weights. 862%Homer: [admiring] Oh, the Glutemus Maximizer... 862%-- Up in the attic, ``Brush with Greatness'' 863%Marge: Oh Homer, don't be jealous. I was a schoolgirl. 863% The Beatles were very popular, and I had a crush on him. 863%Homer: A likely story... 863%-- Marge explains her collection of Ringo Starr paintings, 863% ``Brush with Greatness'' 864%Oh, why did I have to start my diet on pork chop night? 864%-- Homer, setting out on his diet, ``Brush with Greatness'' 865%Hey, I've been setting my drinks on these things! 865%-- Homer admires a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness'' 866%Hello! Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you? 866%-- Homer bites into a rice cake, ``Brush with Greatness'' 867%Hey Mom, these paintings are good. 867%While I know first-hand how fragile young talent is, 867%I'd love to hear the particulars of how gift was squashed. 867%-- Lisa asking Marge to explain her schoolgirl painting talent, 867% ``Brush with Greatness'' 868%Lisa: Maybe you could take a class at Springfield Community College. 868%Marge: I think it's a very nice idea. Don't you, Homer? 868%Homer: Do I have to do anything? 868%Marge: No. 868%Homer: Great! Fine! Go nuts! 868%-- A loving, supportive husband, ``Brush with Greatness'' 869%I've just enrolled in the screenwriting class. 869%I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu, 869%pushed too far by convenience store bandits. 869%I call it `Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey'. 869%-- Apu, at Springfield Community College, ``Brush with Greatness'' 870%Marvelous! 870%-- Prof. Lombardo sees a handyman paint the handrail, ``Brush with Greatness'' 871%Now, using the Lombardo method, you learn to see everyday objects 871%as a simple grrouping of geometrical shapes. Heah, we see how two 871%concentric circles, various trapezoids, ellipses, and yes! even a rrhombus! 871%can create an adorable little bunny-rabbit. It's just that easy! 871%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness'' 872%Bravo! Walk away from it. Now it belongs to the ages. 872%[to next student] 872%You! Not another stroke! Oh well, maybe one more, that's it! Perfect! 872%-- Professor Lombardo's art lecture, ``Brush with Greatness'' 873%Marge, please, I don't take praise very well! 873%[sees a sign painter] 873%Oh! Another triumph! 873%-- Prof. Lombardo, ``Brush with Greatness'' 874%Damnation, Smithers. This idea of yours to immortalize me in a portrait 874%was as half-baked as your idea about me having children! 874%-- Burns chews out Smithers, ``Brush with Greatness'' 875%Smithers: Mrs. Homer Simpson. 875%Burns: Who? 875%Smithers: She won first prize in the Springfield Art Fair, 875% and she's the wife of an employee, she'll be easily 875% intimidated. 875%Burns: Excellent. 875%-- Searching for an artist to do Burns' portrait, ``Brush with Greatness'' 876%Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers. 876%Smithers: Somebody down here likes you, too, sir. 876%Burns: Shut up. 876%-- Too much of a good thing? ``Brush with Greatness'' 877%Marge: That's wonderful, isn't it kids? 877%Lisa: [to Bart] Pass the moo juice. 877%Marge: Kids, remember what I told you about showing a little support? 877%Lisa: Way to go, Dad! 877%Bart: You look mahvelous! 877%Maggie: [toasts Homer with her bottle of formula] 877%-- Homer reaches his weight goal, ``Brush with Greatness'' 878%Donut man: Hey, what gives? These donuts are piling up. 878%Worker: Heh. Yeah, Homer Simpson went on a diet. 878%Donut man: Oh my God. And I just bought a boat! [slaps forehead] 878%-- Homer's diet depresses the local economy, ``Brush with Greatness'' 879%Smithers: Have you ever painted the rich and powerful? 879%Marge: Well, no. Just Ringo Starr. 879%Burns: Ring-Go? 879%Smithers: He was the drummer for a rock-and-roll combo called 879% the Beatles, sir. 879%Burns: Beatles, eh? Oh, yes. I seem to remember their off-key 879% caterwauling on the old Sullivan show. What Ed thinking? 879%-- Burns commissions Marge to paint his portrait, ``Brush with Greatness'' 880%Smithers: Ah, sir. At least the world will see you as I always have. 880%Burns: [trying to get him to shut up] Yes, yes, yes. 880%-- Preparing for a portrait, ``Brush with Greatness'' 881%Marge: What were you like as a boy, Mr. Burns? 881% Did you have a dog that you loved? 881%Burns: Well... Daah! There's something on my leg. [waves his leg] 881% Get it off! Get it off! [Maggie is clutching his leg] Ugh! 881%Marge: [takes Maggie, holds her up] Mr. Burns, she's just a baby. 881%Maggie: [suck suck suck] 881%Burns: [still scared] Ooh! 881%-- Trying to find Mr. Burns' `inner beauty', ``Brush with Greatness'' 882%Homer: All right, all right. Who took the funny pages? 882%Smithers: [reading to Burns] So Ziggy goes to the repair shop, 882% there's a sign on the doorbell reading `out of order'. 882%Burns: Heh heh. Ah, Ziggy. Will you ever win? 882%-- ``Brush with Greatness'' 883%Bart: Hey Mom, did he have those spots all over his body? 883%Burns: [opens the door] I heard that. 883%-- Marge accidentally bursts in on Burns (naked) in the bathroom, 883% ``Brush with Greatness'' 884%Smithers: Would you feel more comfortable if I left, too, sir? 884%Burns: Of course not, Smithers. You're. You're like a doctor. 884%-- Marge catches Burns naked in the bathroom, ``Brush with Greatness'' 885%Burns: [off camera] Smithers! I want my tea! 885%Marge: Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that? 885%Smithers: Oh ho ho. Actually, I value every second we're together. 885% From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, 885% til I tuck him in at night. 885% He's not just my boss. He's my best friend, too. 885%Burns: [sipping the tea] Bah! Too hot! [spills it on Smithers] 885%Smithers: Right, sir. It's scalding me as we speak. 885%-- ``Brush with Greatness'' 886%Dear Sally. In response to you letter of December the 12th 1966, 886%me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard. 886%Thanks for the snapshot. You're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. 886%PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply. 886%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness'' 887%Look! I'm using the original notches that came with my belt! 887%-- Homer is proud of his weight loss, ``Brush with Greatness'' 888%If you need me, I'll be in the refrigerator. [leaves, crying] 888%--Homer reacts to Burns' insulting his weight, ``Brush with Greatness'' 889%Dear Marge. Thanks for the fab painting of Yours Truly. I hung 889%it on me wall. You're quite an artist. In answer to your question, 889%yes, we do have hamburgers and fries in England. But we call French 889%fries `chips'. Love, Ringo. PS: Forgive the lateness of my reply. 889%-- Ringo Starr answering his backlogged fan mail, ``Brush with Greatness'' 890%Friends, art lovers, security personnel... 890%-- Burns begins his speech on the opening of the Burns wing of the 890% art museum, ``Brush with Greatness'' 891%He's bad, but he'll die. So I like it. 891%-- Ms. Hoover, on Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness'' 892%You know, I'm no art critic, but I know what I hate. 892%-- Burns to Marge on her portrait of him, ``Brush with Greatness'' 893%Burns: Thanks for not making fun of my genitalia. 893%Marge: [sotto voce] I thought I did. 893%-- On Marge's portrait of Mr. Burns, ``Brush with Greatness'' 894%> Voice credits 894%>> Starring 894% Dan Castellaneta (Homer, H2WHOA ride spotter) 894% Julie Kavner (Marge) 894% Nancy Cartwright (Bart) 894% Yeardley Smith (Lisa) 894% and 894% Harry Shearer (nearly everybody else) 895%>> Special Guest Voice 895% John Lovitz (Mr. Lombardo, donut man) 895% Ringo Starr (himself) 896%>> Also starring 896% Hank Azaria (Registration guy) 896% Maggie Roswell (Ms. Hoover) 897%> Didja notice... 898% ... the water slide schematic looks like the human digestive system? 898% ... Bart was eating left-handed? 898% ... the Picasso-style painting of Burns in the discard pile? 898% ... the substantial number of curlers Marge needs? 898% ... the string quartet played `For He's a Jolly Good Fellow' when 898% Burns came in? 898% ... this is Marge's second run-in with full frontal nudity? 898% ... Ringo said `gear!' when he saw Marge's painting? 899%[Jym Dyer] 899% ... that they're reading the `Springfield Shopper' in the 899% first new episode to air since `Simpsons Illustrated' was released? 900%[Scott Amspoker] 900% ... the runners up in the art contest? ("dogs playing ping pong" and 900% the sad unicorn asking "Why?") 900% ... the number of different "camera shots" in which the genitalia 900% in Mr. Burns' portrait were kept hidden from view? It was so 900% conspicious it became a joke in itself. 901%[rjc] 901% Here's the list of things that blocked the view of Mr. Burns' 901% privates: 901% the feather of a woman's hat 901% Burns' head 901% Marge's hairdo 901% Marge's head 901% Marge's hand 901% Marge's upper lip 901% Marge's wine glass 901% Dr. Hibert's wine glass 901% Smithers' head 902%And for those who weren't sure of Lisa's age, Marge says, ``Mr. Burns, it's 902%hard to discover your inner beauty while you're shouting at an eight-year-old 902%girl.'' 903%> Movie References 903% Howdy Doody Show 903% - Shamelessly pitching products on a kids show 903% and getting the kids all riled up to buy the stuff. 903% + Ascending and Descending, an etching by M. C. Escher 903% - the line for H2WHOA! 903% ~ Batman 903% - Krusty wipes make-up from his face, cf. The Joker. {evl} 903% + Gone With the Wind 903% - ``As God as my witness, I'll always be hungry again!!'' 903% ~ Back to the Future 903% - ``Hello! Hello, taste? Where are you?'' Now change `taste' 903% to `McFly'. 903% + Rocky 903% - Music as Homer works out. 903% + The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 903% - Music as Homer approaches the scale. {gh2} 903% ~ The Empire Strikes Back 903% - When Marge walks in on Burns in the bathroom, cf. Darth Vader. 903% Yellow Submarine 903% - The cartoon of Ringo is largely the same. 904%> Freeze Frame Fun 904%>> Things in the attic 905% A `Burns for Mayor' placard. [dale@mks.com (Dale Gass)] 906% A half-empty bottle of pills labelled, `Dr. Nick Riviera's Gym' 906% superimposed on a picture of a weightlifter lifting barbells. 906% Presumably, it contains steroids. [rmm@ipac.caltech.edu (Mike Melnyk)] 907%>> Blurbs from TV, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc} 907% - Two hours free parking 907% - Nose plug rental 907% - Trauma center on premises 908%>> At the park, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc} 908% - This park is not copless. So please don't go topless. 908% - Wavewalker. Caution. You will get wet. 908% - Rock-a-bye riptide. Water changed hourly. 1" 1 1/2" 2". 908% - Stop if you have - Athlete's foot - Hepatitis - Yeast infection. 908% [Many others have given the middle item as `Impetigo'.] 909%>> In the attic, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc} 909% - Burns for governor. 909% - Gluteus Maximizer. 909% - Dr. Nick Riviera's Gym. 909% - Gee, your pecs look terrific. 909% - Football jersey #17 910%>> The envelope, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc} 910% - Marge Bouvier, Springfield USA 910% - Ringo Starr, c/o The Beatles, Liverpool England, S.W.A.K. 911%>> Misc stuff, courtesy of Ron Carter {rc} 911% - Springfield Community College Extension Center. 911% - "Where old dogs learn new tricks" 911% - Lombardo Method 911% - The Rolling Donut 911% - Burn's mirror is 'monogrammed' CMB 911% - The cubist (with three eyes, fishy, eh?) painting and mobile of Burns. 912%> Animation and continuity goofs 913%Carl's ``Homer Simpson went on a diet'' line was spoken with Lenny's voice. 914%> Comments and other observations 915%>> References 916%>>> Previous episodes 917% [7g04] The quartet plays ``For He's a Jolly Good Fellow''. 917% [UFA] Marge's original letter to Ringo is reproduced 918%>> Home decorations 919%Gary Bisaga {gb2} observes: 920%Right before Burns insults Homer's new reduced waistline, Homer is shown 920%standing in front of the staircase and two pictures are shown on the wall 920%behind him. One appears to be a baby picture of Bart, on all fours but with 920%the same spike hair. The other appears to be a female ancestor of Marge's, 920%looking just like Marge; she had blue hair done up like Marge's (and her 920%mother's) current style, except it didn't go up nearly as far - more of an 920%afro with a little peak on the top. It was in a little ellipsical frame. 920%The picture appears to be from the early part of the 20th century because 920%the dress she is wearing has mutton sleeves (those big puffy shoulder/sleeve 920%units that they wore back then). But the picture was in color (you can see 920%the hair is blue). They probably would not have given the woman that type of 920%dress unless they were attempting to portray a picture from, say, the 20's, 920%so I say the picture should have been B/W. What does everybody else say? 921%>> Audrey Rosen kindly provides the jumprope rhyme: 922% Lincoln, Lincoln, I've been thinkin' 922% What the heck have you been drinkin'? 922% Is it water? Is it wine? 922% Oh my gosh, it's turpentine! 923%Except that Lisa and Bart say `hell' instead of `heck', just to give it 923%a little more edge. 924%>> Paintings of Monty Burns 925%Chris Baird {cjb} notes that paintings of Monty Burns already existed, 925%such as the painting of a younger (blushing) Burns in his office in 925%`Homer's Odyssey'. 926%>> The Rolling Donut 927%Jym Dyer {jd} explains (for the benefit of non-Americans) that a common 927%American unpleasantry is to tell somebody (presumably male) to `go take a 927%flying fuck at a rolling donut.' On a visit to Los Angeles, Mr. Dyer 927%found a shop named 928% ROLLIN' 928% DONUTS 929%It has since been taken over by Dunkin' Donuts, but the sign remains. 930%> Distribution notice and Acknowledgments 931%Episode summaries Copyright 1991-1993 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed 931%in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course, 931%remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain 931%the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the 931%compilation.) 932%1: Did you hear about Miss Hoover? 932% She drank a bottle of drain cleaner by mistake. 932%2: Oh, I heard she fell down a well. 932% [Principal Skinner comes in with Miss Hoover, who is crying] 932%Lisa: My God, she's been dumped again... 932%-- ``Lisa's Substitute'' 933%Miss Hoover: [shakily] Children, I won't be staying long. 933% I just came from the doctor, and I have lyme disease. 933% Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives. 933%Ralph: What's lyme disease? 933%Pr. Skinner: I'll field that one. [goes to blackboard] Lyme disease 933% is spread by small parasites called `ticks'. [writes `TICKS' 933% on blackboard] When a diseased tick attaches itself to 933% you, it begins sucking your blood... 933%Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh... 933%Pr. Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually 933% spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain. 933%Miss Hoover: The brain!? Oh, dear God... 933%Class: Wow! 933%-- ``Lisa's Substitute'' 934% [a scream is heard from the room above] 934%Skinner: Bart Simpson! I know it's you! 934%-- Principal Skinner fills in for Miss Hoover, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 935%Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in! 935%-- Bart shows a videotape of kittens being born, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 936%Bergstrom: [enters the classroom, guns ablazin'] 936%Skinner: Are you the substitute? 936%Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim. 936%Skinner: Are you insane? 936%-- Principal Skinner doesn't quite get Bergstrom's unorthodox teaching 936% technique, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 937%And, for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys, ladies and gentlemen. 937%Big guys who were great shots and spent money freely. 937%-- Mr. Bergstrom's lesson on the American West, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 938%Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library, 938% featuring an ABC of the over[something] genre. Asimov, 938% Bester, Clarke! 938%Student: What abouy Ray Bradbury? 938%Martin: [dismissing] I'm aware of his work... 938% [orating] Thank you, and... Keep watching the skies... 938%-- Martin's campaign speech for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 939%Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. 939% How can I put this? Does your father help you with it. 939%Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty. 939%-- ``Lisa's Substitute'' 940%Martin: [campaign speech] In a sample taken in this very classroom, 940% a state inspector found 1.74 parts per million of asbestos! 940%Bart: That's not enough! We demand MORE asbestos! 940% [leads the class in a chant of `MORE ASBESTOS'] 940%-- Martin and Bart run for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 941%Homer: Wow! You made the front page! 941%Bart: Aw, Dad, it's just a popularity contest? 941%Homer: JUST a popularity contest? 941% Excuse me. What's more important than popularity? 941%-- Bart runs for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 942%I always knew you had personality. 942%The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better. 942%-- Homer is pleased that Bart's running for class president, 942% ``Lisa's Substitute'' 943%He says there aren't any easy answers. 943%I say, he's not looking hard enough! 943%-- Bart's campaign speech against Martin, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 944%Martin's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy! 944% Bart's Poster: A Vote for Bart is a Vote for Anarchy! [scrawled] 944%-- The campaign for class president, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 945%You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator. 945%-- Lisa comments on Bart's campaign antics, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 946%Marge: Lisa needs to go to the museum tomorrow, 946% and I think you should take her. 946%Homer: Museum? Tomorrow? Oh, oh, Marge, I'd love to, but I was planning 946% on... [thinks to himself] Sleeping? Eating a big sandwich? Watching 946% TV? Spending time with the boy! [speaks up] Spending time with the 946% boy! The boy needs attention, Marge. 946%Marge: Homer, I've been talking to Lisa, and I'm concerned about your 946% relationship with her. 946%Bart: Me too, Mom. I think you're drifting apart. 946%Homer: Shut up, boy. 946%Marge: Homer, please. 946%Homer: Marge, you don't understand. I can't do it because... 946% [thinking to himself] You're trapped. If you were smarter, you 946% might think of something. But you're not, so you just might as 946% well... [speaks up] All right, all right, I'll take her. 946% [sotto voce] Lousy brain. 946%-- ``Lisa's Substitute'' 947%Homer: Eh, what do you mean by `suggested donation'? 947%Clerk: Pay any amount you wish, sir. 947%Homer: And uh, what if I wish to pay ... zero? 947%Clerk: That is up to you. 947%Homer: Ooh, so it's up to me, is it? 947%Clerk: Yes. 947%Homer: I see. And you think that people are going to pay 947% you $4.50 even though they don't have to? 947% Just out of the goodness of their... [laughs] 947% Well, anything you say! Good luck, lady, you're gonna need it! 947%-- Homer sees the sign `Suggested donation: $4.50' at the museum entrance, 947% ``Lisa's Substitute'' 948%Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man. 948%-- Homer admires the mummy at the museum, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 949%She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education, 949%youthful looks, and a clean credit record, and thinks, ``Why me? What 949%did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...'' [cries] 949%-- Homer talks to Mr. Bergstrom on Lisa's need for a strong male role model, 949% ``Lisa's Substitute'' 950%Mr. B: There is a wonderful girl's future at stake. 950%Homer: Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A! 950%Mr. B: I giving her an A. 950%Homer: Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it. 950%Mr. B: Mr. Simpson, she earn it. 950%Homer: You are smooth, I'll give you that. 950%-- On Lisa's education, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 951%Marge: Why don't we invite Mr. Bergstrom to dinner? 951%Lisa: Oh, Mom! That's wonderful! 951% Can I find out his favorite dish and help you make it? 951%Marge: Sure. 951%Lisa: Can I wear your jewelry? 951%Marge: Sure. 951%Lisa: Can I get my ears pierced? 951%Marge: No. 951%Lisa: Can I dye my shoes pink? 951%Marge: Yes. 951%Lisa: Can I paint my nails? 951%Marge: No. 951%Lisa: Can we have wine? 951%Marge: Yes. 951%Lisa: Can I have wine? 951%Marge: No. 951%Lisa: Does Bart have to be there? 951%Marge: Yes. 951%Lisa: Can we do it this week? 951%-- Setting the ground rules, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 952%Miss Hoover: You see, class, my lyme disease turned out to be 952% [spells it on the board] psychosomatic. 952%Ralph: Does that mean you're crazy? 952%Student 2: No, that means she was faking it. 952%Miss Hoover: No, actually, it was a little of both. 952%-- Miss Hoover returns to teaching, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 953%Bart: I demand a recount! 953%Ms. K: [counts the votes] One for Martin. Two for Martin. 953% Would you like another recount? 953%Bart: [realizing he's beat] No. 953%Ms. K: [enjoying it] Well, I just want to make sure. 953% One for Martin. Two for Martin. [chuckles] 953%-- The Apathy Party loses again, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 954%That's the problem with being middle-class. 954%Anybody who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more. 954%-- Mr. Bergstrom's parting remarks, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 955%Bart didn't get one vote? 955%Oh, this is the worst thing that could ever happen to us! 955%-- Homer, on Bart failing to be elected class president, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 956%Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand! 956%-- Homer tries to understand Lisa, ``Lisa's Substitute'' 957%Lisa: You, sir, are a baboon! 957%Homer: [gasp] Me? 957%Lisa: Yes, you! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! Baboon! 957%Homer: I don't think you realize what you're saying... 957%Lisa: BABOON! [leaves in tears] 957%Bart: Whoa. Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe 957% it was her. 957%-- ``Lisa's Substitute'' 958%Mmm... Horse doovers... 958%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons'' 959%Marge: [slaps Homer's hand] Homer! You promised. 959%Homer: I promised I wouldn't eat? Never! You lie! 959%-- Homer helps himself to the party snacks, ``War of the Simpsons'' 960%Homer: Never thrown a party? What about that big bash we had with all 960% the champagne and musicians and holy men and everything? 960%Marge: That was our wedding! 960%Homer: Oh. 960%-- pre-party discussion, ``War of the Simpsons'' 961%Marge: Oh, they're here. How does everything look? 961%Homer: Yeah, how do I look? 961%Marge: Do we have enough glasses? 961%Homer: Do we have enough gag ice cubes? 961%Marge: Homer, Homer, put a record on. 961%Homer: What are all our friends' names again? 961%-- pre-party panic, ``War of the Simpsons'' 962%And the house! You've done... 962%[looks at the living room; nothing spectacular] Whatever! 962%-- Ned tries to compliment the Simpsons, ``War of the Simpsons'' 963%Homer: Hey, Flanders, next time why don't you put a little alcohol in it! 963%Ned: Au contraire, Simpson. It has three shots of rum, a jigger of 963% bourbon, and just a little daberilla of creme de cassis for flavor. 963%Homer: Really? Well, I do have a warm sense of well-being, and I sheem 963% to be slurring my speech. You're right! Gimme another. 963%-- Flanders demonstrates his mixological skills, ``War of the Simpsons'' 964%Marge: Homer, go easy on the alkyhol. Remember last year at the Winfields' 964% party when you threw up in the laundry hamper? 964%Homer: No. 964%Marge: Mm. 964%-- Homer starts getting tipsy, ``War of the Simpsons'' 965%Hey! You're Homer's sister-in-law, right? 965%I remember you. But I don't remember you being so beau[burp]tiful. 965%[she maces him] Oh, ow, hey, [burp] [cough] 965%Is that a new kind of mace? It's really painful. 965%-- Barney talks to Patty (or is it Selma?), ``War of the Simpsons'' 966%Dr. Hibert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you 966% roll him onto his stomach. 966%Marge: Thank you, I will, Dr. Hibert. Thanks for coming. 966%Dr. Hibert: Remember, I said `if'. 966%-- The party's over, ``War of the Simpsons'' 966% [And notice that she didn't roll him over! -- Chuck Anderson] 967%Bart: They're fighting in the car again. 967%Lisa: That music always sends a chill down my spine. 967%-- The kids watch Marge and Homer talk in the car, ``War of the Simpsons'' 968%I like to think that I am a patient, tolerant woman, and that there 968%was no line you could cross that would make me stop loving you. 968%But last night, you didn't just cross that line, you threw up on it! 968%-- Marge, ``War of the Simpsons'' 969%Marge: You are going to stay here and explain to Bart why you scarred 969% him for life. 969%Homer: No, I didn't! I ... Oh, you mean inside, don't you. 969%-- ``War of the Simpsons'' 970%Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little 970% strange and you probably don't understand why. 970%Bart: I understand why. You were wasted. 970%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons'' 971%Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect 971% for me. 971%Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will. 971%Homer: Awww.... [pats Bart's head] 971%-- Damage control, ``War of the Simpsons'' 972%We have some new pamphlets available in our church newsrack, including 972%`Bible Bafflers', `Satan's Boners', `Good Grief: More Satan's Boners' 972%and for the teens, `It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell'. 972%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons'' 973%Marge: Grampa, could you do something? 973%Grampa: I can dress myself. 973%-- Asking Grampa to babysit the kids, ``War of the Simpsons'' 974%Bart: Grampa, Mom was in such a hurry, she forgot to give you this. 974% It's a list of the things Lisa and I can and can't do. 974%Grampa: [reads] Eh heh. Uh huh. You're allowed to smoke cigars? 974%-- Marge leaves the kids in Grampa's care, ``War of the Simpsons'' 975%Bart: After the supermarket, we'll go to the video store, grab a Krusty 975% Burger, and head for the arcade. 975%Lisa: Bart, Grampa's a kindly old man. He trusts us. Are you sure it's 975% right to take advantage of him? 975%Bart: Lis, in these crazy topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or 975% wrong? But right now, my gut's telling me, ``Bleed Gramps dry.'' 975%-- Grampa babysits the kids, ``War of the Simpsons'' 976%A marriage can't be reconciled in a few hours, Homer. 976%It takes a whole weekend to do that! 976%-- Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons'' 977%Rev.: We must bait our hooks with honesty. That way, a happy marriage, 977% heh heh, won't be the one that got away. 977%Homer: I see. [sotto voce] He also understands bowling expressions. 977%-- Rev. Lovejoy welcomes Homer to his marriage encounter retreat, 977% ``War of the Simpsons'' 978%Ah, three couples. Our best turnout yet! 978%-- Rev. Lovejoy opens the marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons'' 979%Ned: Sometimes Maude (God bless her), she underlines passages in Bible 979% because she can't find hers. 979%Homer: [mutters] Oh. Lucky they don't keep guns in the house. 979%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons'' 980%Rev.: Marge is going to tell us about your faults, why don't you tell 980% us about hers? 980%Homer: Oh, she's perfect. 980%Rev.: Come on, Homer, what are her faults? 980%Homer: Well, sometimes it can be annoying. 980%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons'' 981%Marge: He chews with his mouth open, he gambles, he hangs out at a seedy 981% bar with bums and lowlifes. 981%Homer: [covers his face] Oh, it's all true! 981%Rev.: Homer, don't interrupt. 981%Homer: Sorry. 981%-- At Rev. Lovejoy's marriage encounter retreat, ``War of the Simpsons'' 982%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate. 982%Bart: Check. 982%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate brownie fudge. 982%Bart: Check. 982%Lisa: Half a gallon of chocolate chocolate chocolate chocolate chip. 982%Bart: Yep. 982%Grampa: Did your mom really write that shopping list? 982%Lisa: Grampa, what a question! 982%-- Shopping for groceries, ``War of the Simpsons'' 983%It's no use kidding myself. I'm having an ethical crisis. 983%-- Lisa is concerned about how she and Bart are taking advantage of Grampa, 983% ``War of the Simpsons'' 984%Grampa: [pours Lisa a cup of coffee] Sugar? 984%Lisa: Yes, ten please. 984%Bart: [shaking] Hey Grampa, top me off. 984%Grampa: Are you sure your Ma let you kids drink coffee? 984%Bart: [snaps] For the last time, yes! 984%-- My breakfast with Grampa, ``War of the Simpsons'' 985%Helen: Now, this is a trust exercise. 985% You fall backwards and rely on your spouse to catch you. 985%Marge: Do I have to do this? 985%Rev.: No. Even if your husband here, I wouldn't recommend it. 985%-- Marriage counseling retreat, ``War of the Simpsons'' 986%Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where 986%I've ever told one partner that they were 100% right. It's all his fault. 986%I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame. 986%-- Rev. Lovejoy, ``War of the Simpsons'' 987%Catching you will make me the most famous fisherman there is. 987%Right up there with, the... uh... that bald guy on the cable fishing show. 987%-- Homer plans to catch `General Sherman', ``War of the Simpsons'' 988%Holy mackerel! 988%-- Homer lands a catfish, ``War of the Simpsons'' 989%Otto: Any chicks over eight? 989%Bart: Not yet, but the afternoon is young. 989%-- Bart throws a wild party, ``War of the Simpsons'' 990%Bart: Lisa, what's wrong? 990%Lisa: Isn't it obvious? We've degraded ourselves and set back the children's 990% rights movement for decades to come. 990%Bart: You're great at a party, Lis. Really great. 990%-- Lisa observes the wild party Bart is throwing, ``War of the Simpsons'' 991%Bart: Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before. 991%Lisa: It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth. 991%-- Is it contagious? ``War of the Simpsons'' 992%I gave up fame and breakfast for our marriage. 992%-- Homer, after tossing `General Sherman' back into the lake, 992% ``War of the Simpsons'' 993%I'll never trust another old person... 993%-- Bart realizes Grampa duped him, ``War of the Simpsons'' 994%Clerk: Yep, `General Sherman'. They say he's five hundred pounds of 994% bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but 994% if you ask me (and most people do), he's hundred years if he's a day. 994%Customer: And uh no one's ever caught him? 994%Clerk: Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet 994% tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel, 994% cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red like the fires of Hell. 994%-- The making of a legend, ``War of the Simpsons'' 995%Lisa: If we don't get to the convention soon, all the good comics will 995% be gone! 995%Bart: Ah, what do you care about good comics? All you every buy is Casper 995% the Wimpy Ghost. 995%Lisa: I think it's sad that you equate friendliness with wimpiness, and 995% I hope it'll keep you from ever achieving true popularity. 995%Bart: Well, you know what I think? I think Casper is the ghost of 995% Richie Rich. [shows comics of Casper and Richie Rich] 995%Lisa: Hey, they do look alike! 995%Bart: Wonder how Richie died. 995%Lisa: Perhaps he realized how hollow the pursuit of money really is and 995% took his own life. 995%Marge: Kids, could you lighten up a little? 995%-- driving to the comics convention, ``Three Men and Comic Book'' 996%Too bad you didn't come dressed as a popular cartoon character. 996%-- Lisa to Bart at the comics convention, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 996% [a little meta-humor for your enjoyment] 997%Bart: Oooh, what's that? 997%Otto: My very own idea for a comic book, little man. 997% [unveils his conception of Busman, which bears a distinct resemblance 997% to Otto despite some anatomically awesome features] 997% It's about a dude who drives a school bus by day, but by night, 997% fights vampires in a post-apocalyptic war zone! 997%Bart: Cool! 997%-- A Heroic Ideal, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 998%Radioactive Man: Ah, these Laramie cigarettes give me the steady nerves that 998% I need to combat evil. 998%Fallout Boy: Gee willikers, Radioactive Man. Wished I was old enough to 998% smoke Laramies. 998%Radioactive Man: Sorry, Fallout Boy, not until you're sixteen. 998%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 999%Do you think the ghost of Dirk Richter haunts the bordello where his 999%bullet-riddled body was found? 999%-- Bart asks a pointed question at a Q&A session at the comic convention, 999% ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1000%Bart: Wow, Radioactive Man #1! I bet it's worth a million bucks! 1000%Dealer: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for a hundred, because you 1000% remind me of me. 1000%-- A deal that's hard to beat, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1001%Until this moment, I never knew why God put me on this earth, but now I know: 1001%To buy that comic book! 1001%-- Bart, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1002%Bart: I need a hundred dollars for a comic book. 1002%Homer: A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michael Milangelo? 1002%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1003%Bart: I want this more than anything in the world. 1003%Homer: Well, T.S.! 1003%-- Bart wants $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No. 1004%Bart: Please, Dad. 1004%Homer: No! Now look, son, we all know that usually when you bug me like 1004% this, I give in, so I'm not mad at you for trying. (It shows 1004% you've been paying attention.) But we all know I'm not gonna give 1004% you a hundred dollars. Now, are you going to stop bugging me? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: No. 1004%Homer: Are you? 1004%Bart: OKAY!!!! 1004%Homer: Hoo hoo! I win! In your face! Yeah, how do you like them apples? 1004%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1005%Young Selma: We'll give you half our allowance. 1005%Young Patty: Uh huh. But you have to be our slave. 1005%Young Marge: Oh, okay. 1005%Young Selma: This gives us a lot more free time. 1005%Young Patty: Uh huh. Let's take up smoking. 1005%-- Marge wants to buy a light-bulb toy oven, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1006%Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer. 1006%Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. Your already taking care 1006% of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful. 1006%Lisa: She means should get a job, stupid! 1006%-- Bart needs $100 to buy a comic book, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1007%Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, a la Wonder Years] Me? Get a job? Were they 1007% serious? I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my 1007% childhood had slipped away, forever. 1007%Homer: Bart! What are you staring at? 1007%Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither 1007% did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we... 1007%Homer: Bart! Stop it! 1007%Bart: Sorry. 1007%-- ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1008%Bart: Ching-ching-ching! [smashes a souvenir coin collection he received 1008% from Patty and Selma] [goes to the bank] Americanize this, my good man. 1008%Clerk: Okay. 1008%Bart: All those coins were only worth three lousy cents? 1008%Clerk: Let the good times roll! 1008%-- Bart is desperate for money, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1009%Bart: There you go, Apu. 1009%Apu: Ah, very good. Would you like the deposit defrayed from the cost of a 1009% jumbo cherry squishy? 1009%Bart: No, not today, I need the dime. 1009%Apu: Oh, it is good to see you are learning a trade. 1009%-- Young entrepeneurship, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1010%Barney: Hey, Bart, can you give me one on credit? I'm a little short this 1010% week. 1010%Bart: Beat it. 1010%-- No harm in trying, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1011%Cop: Hey, uh, do you have liquor license here, young fella? 1011%Bart: Uh, my dog ate it. 1011%-- Bart's one-time lemonade stand is now a beer stand, 1011% ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1012%Dried apricots? Almond paste? Sauerkraut candy! 1012%-- Mrs. Quick offers Bart some sweets, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1013%[Asa pulls the pin, ready to throw the grenade] 1013%This one's for you, Kaiser Bill. Special delivery from Uncle Sam and all the 1013%boys in D company. Yeah... Johnny, Harris, Brooklyn Bob. And Reggie. Yeah, 1013%even Reggie. He ain't so stuck up once you get to know hi... 1013%[*** KABOOM ***] 1013%-- And the rest is history, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1014%Woman: Jack, please, I'm married. 1014%Jack: [embraces her] Ha. Must be what's turning me on. [hot stuff ensues] 1014%Mrs.Q: Filthy! But genuinely arousing. 1014%-- Mrs. Quick watches a smarmy soap, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1015%Last night, I dreamed I held you in my arms. 1015%-- Bart, Romancing the Comic, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1016%No, no, not the iodine. Burn the germs off with a torch. 1016%Amputate my arm, but not the .... AAAAAAAAAAAAA! 1016%-- Bart is treated by Mrs. Quick, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1017%Mrs. Quick: Bart! You didn't say `Thank you'. 1017%Bart: Listen Lady, I can leave without screaming, and I can 1017% leave without saying a bad word, but there is no way that I 1017% am saying `Thank you'. 1017%Mrs. Quick: You're welcome! 1017%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents, 1017% ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1018%Homer: Hey, when I was your age, fifty cents was a lot of money. 1018%Bart: Really? 1018%Homer: Naah. 1018%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents, 1018% ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1019%Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps. 1019%Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was your age before I figured 1019% that out. 1019%-- Bart is upset that he worked his tail off and got paid only fifty cents, 1019% ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1020%Martin: Can you let me have it for forty dollars? 1020%Dealer: Forty bucks? You made me get off my stool for that? 1020%Martin: It's all I got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home. 1020% I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God's sake! 1020%Dealer: No way. [notices Bart] What do you want? 1020%Bart: Can I have it for thirty-five? 1020%-- Unsuccessful haggling, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1021%Bart: Look pal, we got a hundred bucks and we'd like to buy 1021% Radioactive Man #1. So why don't you just waddle over 1021% there and get it? 1021%Dealer: Yes, sir. 1021%-- Bart in charge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1022%Martin: I would've thought that being hit by an atomic bomb would've 1022% killed him. 1022%Bart: Now you know better. 1022%-- The gang read the original `Radioactive Man' comic, 1022% ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1023%Martin: How about this, guys? Bart can have it Mondays and Thursdays, 1023% Millhouse will get it Tuesdays and Fridays, and yours truly will 1023% take it Wednesdays and Saturdays. 1023%Bart: Perfect! 1023%Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about Sundays? 1023%Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what Sundays? 1023%Martin: Well, Sunday possession will be determined by a random number 1023% generator. I will take the digits 1 through 3, Millhouse will 1023% have 4 through 6, and Bart will have 7 through 9. 1023%Bart: Perfect! 1023%Millhouse: Wait a minute! What about 0? 1023%Bart: [suspiciously] Yeah, what 0? 1023%Millhouse: Yeah. 1023%Martin: Well, in the unlikely event of a 0, possession will be determined 1023% by Rock Scissors Paper competition, best 3 out of 5. How's that? 1023%Bart and : Oh, okay. 1023%Millhouse: Yeah, all right. 1023%-- An Equitable Split, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1024%Bart: Hey, Martin, tell him what we do with squealers. 1024%Martin: I don't know. Is it worse than what you do with people who have to go 1024% to the bathroom? 1024%-- Crime and Punishment, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1025%I've got some cocoa on the stove. Who wants imitation marshmallows? 1025%-- Marge, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1026%Bart: We worked so hard, and now it's all gone. 1026% We ended up with nothing because the three of us can't share. 1026%Millhouse: What's your point? 1026%Bart: Nothing. Just kind of ticks me off. 1026%-- The moral of the story, ``Three Men and a Comic Book'' 1027%Diamond Joe Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, 1027% I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the 1027% off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the 1027% good citizens of Springfield, what to do! 1027% [sign lights up, ``Relax. Everything is fine.''] 1027%Crowd: Aah. [applause] 1027% [sign lights up, ``Minor leak. Roll up window.''] 1027%Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause] 1027% [sign lights up, ``Meltdown. Flee city.''] 1027%Crowd: [scattered applause] 1027% [sign lights up, ``Core explosion. Repent sins.''] 1027%Crowd: [stunned silence] 1027%Homer: Hee hee. Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any 1027% power to light that sign! 1027%-- Homer jokes with his coworkers about the Nuclear Disaster Warning Sign, 1027% ``Blood Feud'' 1028%No quack sawbones is going to apply his leeches to me. As long as there's 1028%an ounce of strength left in me, I... [passes out] 1028%-- Monty Burns collapses from hypohemia, ``Blood Feud'' 1029%Smithers, don't feel so bad. After all, that kidney you donated to me 1029%really hit the spot. 1029%-- Burns, consoling Smithers, who is unable to give the blood necessary 1029% to save his life, ``Blood Feud'' 1030%I can't believe you guys. There's a human being out there with millions 1030%of dollars who needs our help. And you don't want to cash in? 1030%-- Homer tries to take the moral high ground when none of his coworkers 1030% wants to donate blood to save Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud'' 1031%[showing Maggie flashcards] Maggie, look! What's that? Lemur. 1031%[slowly] Le-mur. [next card] Zebu. [slowly] Ze-bu. 1031%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud'' 1032%Marge: [watching Lisa show Maggie flashcards] What's a zebu? 1032%Lisa: It's like an ox, only it has a hump and a dewlap. 1032% [indicating to Maggie] [sweetly] Hump, and a dewlap! Hump and dewlap! 1032%-- Lisa shows Maggie animal flashcards, ``Blood Feud'' 1033%Homer: Don't you know the story of Hercules and the lion? 1033%Bart: Is it a Bible story? 1033%Homer: Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big mean lion 1033% who got a thorn in his paw. All the village people tried to pull it 1033% out, but nobody was strong enough! So, they got Hercules. And 1033% Hercules used his mighty strength, and Bingo! Anyway, the moral is, 1033% the lion was so happy, he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches. 1033%Bart: How did a lion get rich? 1033%Homer: It was the olden days! 1033%Bart: Oh. 1033%-- ``Blood Feud'' 1034%Burns: [weakly] Smithers, I'm not going to make it. I want to 1034% dictate my epitaph. 1034%Smithers: [choked with tears] Go ahead. 1034%Burns: Charles Montgomery Burns. ... American... Patriot... American... 1034% Patriot... [gaining energy] Master of the atom. ... Scourge 1034% of the despot! [really on a roll] Oh, tyrant! Hear his 1034% mighty name, and quake! [gets up] Smithers, I'm back! 1034%-- Burns receives a badly-needed transfusion, ``Blood Feud'' 1035%Burns: Oh, top of the morning to ye! Why, look who's here! 1035% It's ... good old... You! 1035%Man: Hi, Mr. Burns. 1035%Burns: Oh, hey there, Mr. uh... Brown-Shoes! How about that .. 1035% local sports team! 1035%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud'' 1036%Smithers, I'm back in the pink! Full of pith and vinegar! 1036%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud'' 1037%You know, it's funny, Smithers. I tried every tincture and poultice and 1037%tonic and patent medicine there is, and all I really needed was the blood 1037%of a young boy. 1037%-- Mr. Burns is full of energy after his transfusion, ``Blood Feud'' 1038%Burns: By the way, what was the lad's name? 1038%Smithers: Uh, Bart Simpson, sir. 1038%Burns: Who? 1038%Smithers: He's the son of Homer Simpson, sir. One of your stiffs 1038% in sector 7-G. 1038%-- Burns leans who donated the blood to save his life, `Blood Feud'' 1039%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket] 1039%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket] 1039%Summons. [tosses into wastebasket] 1039%Bill. [tosses into wastebasket] 1039%-- Homer goes through the daily mail, ``Blood Feud'' 1040%Homer: Marge, Lisa, Maggie, let's do this out in the yard where the neighbors 1040% can see. Lisa, dim the lights. No, turn on more lights. Oh, do 1040% something! 1040%Lisa: Yes, Dad. [turns on the sprinkler] 1040%-- Homer prepares to open the letter from Mr. Burns, ``Blood Feud'' 1041%Some way to show your gratitude! No gold, no diamonds, no rubies, not even 1041%a lousy card! Wait a minute... there a card... 1041%-- Homer is mad at Mr. Burns, whose only expression of gratitude was a 1041% thank-you card, ``Blood Feud'' 1042%Marge: Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded. You do 1042% them because a fellow human being needs a helping hand. 1042%Homer: Marge, you're my wife, I love you very much, but [condescendingly] 1042% you're living in a world of make-believe! With flowers and bells 1042% and leprechauns and magic frogs with funny little hats. 1042%Bart: Yeah, Mom, we got hosed. 1042%-- When Bart saves Mr. Burns' life with his donated blood, ``Blood Feud'' 1043%Homer: Bart! Take a letter! 1043% Dear Mr. Burns... [heavy sarcasm] I'm so `glad' you enjoyed my 1043% son's blood. And your `card' was `just great'. In case you can't 1043% tell, I'm being sarcastic. You.. Stink! Could you read that last 1043% part back to me? 1043%Bart: `You stink!' 1043%Homer: Heh heh heh. Good. `You are a senile, buck-toothed old mummy, 1043% with bony girl-arms, and you smell like...' 1043%Bart: An elephant's butt? 1043%Homer: Hee hee. `An elephant's butt.' 1043%-- Homer writes a nasty letter to his boss, ``Blood Feud'' 1044%I'm with you, Homer! Fight the Power! 1044%-- Barney provides encouragement as Homer kicks the mailbox, ``Blood Feud'' 1045%Homer: I'll get our letter so wet, the ink will run and no one will 1045% be able to read it! 1045%Bart: Yeah, but don't other people have mail in there? 1045%Homer: So a few people won't get a few letters, boo hoo! 1045% You know the kind of letters people write. ``Dear somebody you've 1045% never heard of, How is so-and-so? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. 1045% Yours truly, some bozo.'' Big loss. 1045%-- On watering the mail to prevent a letter from being mailed, ``Blood Feud'' 1046%Homer: I guess it wouldn't do any good to run 'cause you're a mail-lady and you 1046% know my name and address and everything, huh? 1046%Postal Worker: That's right. 1046%Homer: Well.. I'm still going to run. [runs away] 1046%-- Homer is caught tampering with a mailbox, ``Blood Feud'' 1047%Mr. Roman: First question. Have you slept with anyone famous? 1047%Burns: Well, Countess von Zeppelin and I... [catches himself] What in blazes! 1047%-- Burns hires a ghost writer, ``Blood Feud'' 1048%Homer: [trying to disguise his voice] 1048% Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. 1048%Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name? 1048%Homer: [brief pause] I don't know. 1048% [outside on the steps of the post office] Great plan, Bart. 1048%-- Trying to intercept a letter, ``Blood Feud'' 1049%Lisa: Ooh, look, Maggie! What is that? Dodecahedron! Dodecahedron! 1049%Homer: Lisa, I don't know what you're doing, but it's very strange, and 1049% your father is trying to worry. 1049%-- Lisa shows Maggie some very peculiar flashcards, ``Blood Feud'' 1050%Burns: Who are you? 1050%Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him. Give him a fake name. 1050% [aloud] Homer Simpson. 1050% [thinks] D'oh! 1050%-- Thinking fast on your feet, ``Blood Feud'' 1051%I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is 1051%a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... Oh, what the hell. 1051%I'll just crush him like an ant. 1051%-- Burns plans his next move, ``Blood Feud'' 1052%Bart: You always told me I was going to destroy the family. But I never 1052% believed it. 1052%Lisa: That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. 1052% We were just trying to scare you. 1052%-- Bart destroys the family, ``Blood Feud'' 1053%In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you. 1053%`What's that?' you say? Me thanking you? 1053%No, it's not a misprint, for you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much 1053%as you enjoyed reading it. The End. 1053%-- Burns finishes his book, ``Blood Feud'' 1054%Moe: [answers the phone] Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink. 1054%Bart: Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch. 1054%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has 1054% anybody seen Mike Rotch lately? [snickers from the patrons] 1054% [to phone] Listen, you little puke. One of these days, I'm going 1054% to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with 1054% an ice pick. 1054%-- Another phone prank, ``Blood Feud'' 1055%Moe: What's the matter, Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self. 1055%Homer: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one. 1055%Moe: Homer, hey. You should not drink to forget your problems. 1055%Barney: Yeah. You should only drink to enhance your social skills. [belch] 1055%-- But does it work? ``Blood Feud'' 1056%We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, unthinkable, 1056%utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present! 1056%-- Monty Burns meets Dr. Seuss? ``Blood Feud'' 1057%Burns: Hello, young fellow. I haven't forgotten you. Here. 1057%Bart: Wow, a crowbar! 1057%Lisa: It's to open the crate, stupid. 1057%-- Burns gives the Simpsons a gift, ``Blood Feud'' 1058%Maggie: [holds up an `Aztec' flashcard] 1058%Lisa: No, Maggie. Not Aztec, Olmec. [slowly] Ol-mec. 1058%Maggie: [falls down] 1058%-- Lisa tries to enlighten Maggie, ``Blood Feud'' 1059%Homer: Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! 1059% Just a big scary rock. 1059%Bart: Hey, man, don't bad-mouth the head. 1059%Marge: Homer, it's the thought that counts. The moral of the story is a 1059% good deed is its own reward. 1059%Bart: Hey, we a reward. The head is cool. 1059%Marge: Then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded. 1059%Homer: Wait a minute. If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't've 1059% gotten anything. 1059%Marge: Well... Then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease. 1059%Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story. 1059%Homer: Exactly! Just a bunch of stuff that happened. 1059%Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days. 1059%Homer: Amen to that! 1059% [laughter all around] 1059%-- We don't need no steenkin' morals, ``Blood Feud'' 1060%Ned: Come on over and strap on the feed bag. We're going to fire up ol' 1060% Propane Elaine and put the heat to the meat! Nummy-nummy-num! 1060% [hands Homer an invitation] 1060%Homer: I'll be there! [sotto voce] Notty-notty-not. 1060%-- ``When Flanders Failed'' 1061%The Flanders' are having a beef-a-thon. 1061%Incredible Ned-ibles. 1061%Maude-acious vittles. 1061%-- Lisa reads Ned's barbecue invitation, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1062%Stupid Flanders. Go ahead, Marge. Have a ball. What if they came back 1062%and I was dead from not eating. They'd cry their eyes out. [mock crying] 1062%``We should have never gone to the Flanders'. Oh, why did we go to the 1062%Flanders' house and leave Homer alone with no food?'' And I'll be laughing, 1062%laughing from my grave, ha ha ha. 1062%-- Homer really knows how to show 'em, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1063%Hmm, let's see... 1063%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT DECLARES WORLD PEACE] 1063%Naah... 1063%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON DECLARES WORLD PEACE] 1063%Mmm... 1063%[dreams of newspaper headline: PRESIDENT SIMPSON WINS SUPER BOWL] 1063%Hey! 1063%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1064%Come on, Homer. I've got an ambition to do some wishin'! 1064%-- Ned Flanders, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1065%[dreams of a penniless Ned] 1065%Ooh! 1065%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with 1065% a `Going out of business' sign] 1065%Heh heh heh heh. 1065%[dreams of a grave with the tombstone, ``RIP Ned Flanders'] 1065%Eh, too far. 1065%[dreams of Ned shutting down his ``Flanders' Stupid Left-Handed Shop'' with 1065% a `Going out of business' sign] 1065%Mm! Okay, ready. 1065%-- Homer makes a wish, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1066%Marge: Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV? 1066%Bart: Six. Seven if there's something good on. 1066%-- ``When Flanders Failed'' 1067%Marge, TV gives so much and asks so little. It's a boy's best friend. 1067%-- Homer explains, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1068%Akira: Hello, I am Akira. Ha! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead] 1068% That didn't hurt very much, because I know the ancient art of karate. 1068% [lying on his back with a giant rock on his chest, as two men pound the 1068% rock with sledgehammers] 1068% Karate focuses the mind and gives you self-confidence. 1068% People from all walks of life... 1068% Doctors... 1068%Man: Hai-ya! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead, in the process, 1068% breaking his glasses, which he forgot to take off] 1068%Akira: Home makers... 1068%Woman: Hoi-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead] 1068%Akira: Landscape architects... 1068%Woman: Haiiiii-ya! [breaks a cinder block with her forehead] 1068%Akira: Choreographers... 1068%Man: Hoa! [breaks a cinder block with his forehead] 1068%Akira: High karate, at low, low prices. 1068%George Washington: I cannot tell a lie. This is a great deal! 1068% [smashes a wooden board with his head] 1068% [TV caption: Washington's Birthday Sale, $10 a lesson] 1068%-- TV advertisement, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1069%Absotively posilutely! 1069%-- Ned Flanders' way of saying, `yes', ``When Flanders Failed'' 1070%Akira: We learn karate, so that we need never use it. 1070%Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I already know how not to hit a guy. 1070% Can we break out the nunchucks? 1070%Akira: Ah yes, the impetuousness of youth. For now, let us read... 1070%Bart: Akira, my good man, when do we break block of ice with our heads? 1070%Akira: First, you must fill you head with wisdom, then you can hit ice with it. 1070%Bart: Yo, sensei. Can I go to the bathroom? 1070%Akira: You can if you believe you can. 1070%Bart: [leaving] Pay money to read books, pffft. The hell with this! 1070%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1071%Lisa: Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is? 1071%Homer: No, I do not know what shaden-frawde is. 1071% [sarcasm] Please tell me, because I'm dying to know. 1071%Lisa: It's a German term for `shameful joy', taking pleasure in the suffering 1071% of others. 1071%Homer: Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt! 1071% [getting mad] 1071% He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, 1071% and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy 1071% thing of yours? 1071%Lisa: [nastily] Sour grapes. 1071%Homer: Boy, those Germans have a word for everything! 1071%-- Selbstverstaendlich! ``When Flanders Failed'' 1072%Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister. 1072%-- Marge, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1073%Homer: Hey, boy! How was class? 1073%Bart: Today, we learned how to rip a man's heart out and show it to him 1073% before he dies! 1073%Homer: Ooh. That'll learn him. 1073%-- Karate school, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1074%Ned: I think word of mouth is starting to spread. 1074%Man: Hey, I hear you validate parking tickets without purchase. 1074%Ned: Oh, right as rain! Or, as we say around here, `left as rain', heh heh. 1074%Man: Just stamp the ticket. 1074%Ned: Oh, okay. 1074%-- ``When Flanders Failed'' 1075%Burns: And what's your name? 1075%Homer: Homer Simpson, sir. 1075%Burns: Simpson, eh? I'm Monty Burns. 1075%-- Pleased to meet you, again, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1076%Burns: [reads an entry in the suggestion box] 1076% `Keep that handsome owner out of sight, 1076% he's distracting the female employees'. 1076% Oh, Smithers... 1076%Smithers: You got me, sir. 1076%-- ``When Flanders Failed'' 1077%Burns: Damned infernal gizmo. My kingdom for a left-handed can opener! 1077%Homer: Um, Mr. Burns? ... [dreams of Ned's Leftorium store] 1077%Ned: [in Homer's dream] Come on, Homer, tell him about the store! 1077% I'm dying out here! 1077%Homer: Sorry, Flanders. [leaves] 1077%-- ``When Flanders Failed'' 1078%Ned: See anything you like? [at Ned's lawn sale] 1078%Homer: Oh, I get it! It's not good enough for you, but it's good enough 1078% for me! Well, I wouldn't be caught dead buying this... Hello! 1078%-- Homer espies Ned's gas grill, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1079%Homer: Hey, Bartly-boobly, care for a steak-a-rooney? 1079%Bart: Sounds crumptly-uptious, dear old duddly-doodly! 1079%Homer: Heh heh, duddly-doodly. 1079%-- Talking like Ned Flanderoosky, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1080%I'm sure did nothing to discourage this, you scavenger of human misery. 1080%-- Lisa, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1081%Chuck: Good afternoon, sir. I'm Chuck Ellis, from the Springfield Collection 1081% Agency, and I'm here to ask you why you don't think you need to pay 1081% your bills. 1081%Homer: Oh, I know I need to pay them, but there's just so many! 1081%Chuck: Does it make you feel good about yourself to owe people money? 1081% We've been very patient with you, Mr. Flanders. 1081%Homer: I know, but... Wait a minute, I'm Homer Simpson. Ned Flanders lives 1081% over there. Flanders is in debt? Are you sure? 1081%Chuck: Ha. We don't make mistakes. 1081%-- ``When Flanders Failed'' 1082%Ned: At times like these, I used to turn to the Bible and find solace, 1082% but even the Good Book can't help me now. 1082%Homer: Why not? 1082%Ned: I sold it to you for seven cents. 1082%Homer: Oh. 1082%-- ``When Flanders Failed'' 1083%Homer: Listen, Flanders, you still have that store? 1083%Ned: For two more days. [sniff] It becomes Libertarian Party headquarters. 1083% I hope they have better luck than I did. 1083%-- Fat chance, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1084%`Kiss me, I'm left-handed''? [laughs] Oh, that's a classic! [laughs] 1084%Whoa! [falls off the table] 1084%-- Barney, bastion of balance, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1085%It's all here, and it's all backwards! 1085%-- Homer hypes Ned's Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1086%Burns: [talking to a tin can] 1086% Ah, the worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? 1086% Look at you, you were once so proud. Feel the wrath of 1086% the left hand of Burns! 1086%Moe: My life begins today! 1086%Barney: [wearing a `Kiss me, I'm left-handed' shirt] Wow, what an icebreaker! 1086% [two pretty girls kiss him] 1086%Chuck: Left-handed ledgers! Now I can write all the way to the edge! 1086%Akira: Ha ha ha. Left-handed nunchucks! 1086%-- Shopping at the Leftorium, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1087%Homer, affordable tract housing made us neighbors, but you made us friends. 1087%-- Ned, ``When Flanders Failed'' 1088%Hey, we're like the Waltons. We're praying for the end of the Depression, too. 1088%-- Bart reacts to President Bush's 1992 State of the Union Address 1089%Lisa: [wakes up Bart] 1089%Bart: Lisa! It's 6am! Something's wrong. Dad died! 1089%Lisa: No no, he's fine! 1089%Bart: Well, whaddya know, I'm relieved. 1089%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1090%Lisa: Bart, in two days, I'm going to be eight years old. 1090% It's a big number, almost double digits. 1090%Bart: Well, enjoy it while you can. Everything changes when you hit the 1090% big one-oh. Your legs start to go, candy doesn't taste as good 1090% any more... 1090%Lisa: Bart, will you please let me pour my little heart out? 1090%Bart: Sorry, this old-timer does ramble on sometimes, don't he. 1090%-- Pre-life crisis? ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1091%Hi, kids! You've reached the Krusty Hot-Line! 1091%If you haven't asked your parent's permission, naughty-naughty! 1091%But Krusty forgives you. 1091%($2 for the first minute, 50 cents for each additional minute.) 1091%[laughs and laughs and laughs] 1091%Thanks for calling, kids! A new message every day! 1091%-- 1-909-O-U-KLOWN, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1092%Marge: Bart, I asked you to watch your sister [Maggie]. 1092%Bart: I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me! 1092%-- A likely story, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1093%Aagh! Pink? 1093%Marge, I can't wear a pink shirt to work. 1093%Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different... 1093%-- Homer finds all his shirts are pinko, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1094%Burns: Why is that man in pink! 1094%Smithers: Oh, that's Homer Simpson, sir. 1094% He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G. 1094%Burns: Simpson, eh? 1094%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1095%Burns: Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of 1095% free-thinking anarchist. 1095%Smithers: I'll call security, sir. 1095%Burns: Excellent. Yes, these color monitors have already 1095% paid for themselves... 1095%-- Homer wears a pink shirt to work, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1096%Burns: Doctor, what should we do about our freewheeling fop over here? 1096%Monroe: Well, Monty, it used to be that establishing a patient's sanity 1096% took months. That's all changed, thanks to the Marvin Monroe 1096% take-home personality test. Twenty simple questions that will 1096% determine exactly how crazy or [makes quotation sign with fingers] 1096% `meshuggeneh' someone is. [hands it to Homer] 1096%Homer: [reading] Print name? [moans] Oh... 1096%-- In triplicate, please... ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1097%Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me? 1097%Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote. 1097%Homer: D'oh!! Oh, okay. 1097%Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson. 1097% [reads] 1097% I had a cat named Snowball -- 1097% She died! She died! 1097% Mom said she was sleeping -- 1097% She lied! She lied! 1097% Why oh why is my cat dead? 1097% Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? 1097% [next verse] 1097% I had a hamster named Snuffy -- 1097% He died... 1097%Homer: [takes his form] No deal. 1097%-- Death and Transfiguration, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1098%Bart: Dad, maybe you should do this. 1098%Homer: Son, it's no different than the time I let you vote for me. 1098% Remember that absentee ballot? 1098%-- On filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1099%Announcer: Our $50,000 home video finalists are... 1099% Man Breaking Hip. [sound of bowling pins, followed by a scream] 1099%Homer: [chuckles] 1099%Announcer: [chuckles] 1099% Dog On Fire. 1099% [doing a doggy voice] 1099% Ruff, anybody order a hot dog? 1099%Homer: [laughs uproariously] Oh, look at him! 1099%Announcer: And finally, Baby With a Nail Gun. [kachunk] 1099%Homer: Aww.... 1099%Announcer: Cast your votes now! 1099%Homer: Dog On Fire! Dog On Fire! 1099%-- America's Stupidest Home Videos, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1100%Bart: Hey, Dad, do you hear voices? 1100%Homer: [angrily] Yes, I'm hearing one right now while I'm trying to watch TV... 1100%Bart: [checks] Yes. Are you quick to anger? 1100%Homer: Bart! Shut up or I'll shut you up! 1100%Bart: [checks] Yes. Do you wet your pants? Well, even the best of us 1100% has an occasional accident. 1100% [checks the remainder of the form `Yes' all the way down] 1100%-- Filling out a psychiatric evaluation form, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1101%Careful, men. He wets his pants. 1101%-- Smithers' instructions to security, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1102%Doctor: [shows Homer an inkblot] 1102%Homer: Eh, the devil with his fly open. 1102%Doctor: Right. [shows another] 1102%Homer: Uh, that's a spill on the floor with bugs going after it. Uh, they're 1102% going to eat it. 1102%Doctor: Good. [shows another, which looks like Bart] 1102%Homer: THE BOY!!!!!! [restrained by two orderlies] 1102%-- I'm perfectly normal, really... ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1103%Homer: This isn't fair! How can you tell who's sane and who's insane? 1103%Doctor: Well, we have a very simple method. 1103% [stamps his hand, `INSANE'] 1103% Whoever has that stamp on his hand is insane. 1103%-- Does that mean he can come back for free? ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1104%Homer: Who are you? 1104%Man: Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, from The Jacksons. 1104%Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from The Simpsons... 1104%-- Homer meets his cell-mate at the asylum, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1104% [A little meta-humor for your enjoyment.] 1105%Man: I can't believe you never heard of me. I'm a very popular entertainer. 1105%Homer: Oh, of I've heard of you! I mean, you'd have to be living 1105% under a rock not to know... What'd you say your name was? 1105%Man: Michael Jackson. 1105%Homer: Doesn't ring a bell. 1105%-- I own a mansion and a yacht... ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1106%Man: Well, have you heard of MTV? 1106%Homer: No. 1106%Man: Motown. 1106%Homer: No. 1106%Man: Beat It. 1106%Homer: beat it! 1106%Man: Thriller. 1106%Homer: What was that last one? 1106%Man: Thriller. 1106%Homer: Nope. 1106%Man: Well, how about this... 1106% [sings Billy Jean, complete with wild gyrations, crotch grab, 1106% and moonwalk] 1106%Homer: Wow! How do you do that thing with your feet? 1106%Man: The moonwalk? 1106%Homer: No, that thing with your feet! 1106%Man: Here, look. Just raise your heel a bit, put a little pressure on 1106% the ball of your foot. [demonstrates] 1106%Homer: [tries to imitate, but ends up going forwards] D'oh! 1106%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1107%Man: You seem like a nice guy. Why'd they put you in here? 1107%Homer: 'Cause I wore a pink shirt. 1107%Man: I understand. People thought I was crazy for the way I dressed... 1107%Homer: What'd you wear? 1107%Man: One white glove, covered with rhinestones. 1107%Homer: [crosses his eyes and does that `bebebebebebe' thing with his lips] 1107%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1108%Lisa: Bart, in the split second before he died, 1108% I bet Scratchy appreciated his birthday present. 1108% Do you see how this relates to us? 1108%Bart: Hey, you want that once-a-year empty gesture? You got it, Sis. 1108%- Lisa fishes for a birthday gift, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1109%Man: Homer, this is Floyd. He's an idiot savant. Give him any two 1109% numbers, and he can multiply them in his head, just like that. 1109%Homer: Okay. Five times nine. 1109%Floyd: Forty-five. 1109%Homer: Wow! 1109%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1110%Homer: I gotta call my family. Oh, this is so embarrassing, calling them 1110% from a nuthouse. I mean, they think I'm a god! 1110%Man: I could call them for you. 1110%Homer: Oh great. And uh, try to put a good face on it. 1110% Tell them this is one of those places where rich women lose weight. 1110%-- HS, Phone Home... ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1111%Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em. 1111%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1112%Man: Hello? Who's this? 1112%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you? 1112%Man: I'm Michael Jackson. 1112%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1113%Man: I'm Michael Jackson. 1113%Bart: Michael Jackson? [makes scoffing sound] No way! 1113%Man: It's true. I'm with your father in a mental institution. 1113%Bart: Uh huh. And is Elvis with you? 1113%Man: Could be. It's a big hospital. 1113%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1114%Man: Your father really needs your help. You don't want him to get a 1114% lobotomy, do you? 1114%Bart: Hm... lobotomy... 1114% [begin dream] 1114% [Bart is playing in the house and breaks a lamp] 1114%Homer: [stitches on forehead still visible, wearing his pink shirt] 1114% [zombie-like] That's all right, son... 1114% [end dream] 1114%Bart: Well, there's probably a down side I don't see. 1114%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1115%[Bart jots down a message] 1115%Uh huh. New Bedlam Asylum. Loves us. Needs us. Fears he may never see 1115%us again. Got it. [hangs up] 1115%Michael Jackson, woo hoo! I love you, man! 1115%-- A difference of priorities, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1116%Bart: Hey, Mom! Dad's in a mental institution! 1116%Marge: Oh, my God... Mother was right! 1116%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1117%Man: Don't you worry. Your family's going to be here before you know it. 1117%Patient: Forget it, pal. 1117% There's only one way out of here, and it ain't pretty. 1117%Homer: What's that? 1117%Patient: Dating a nurse. 1117%Homer: [whining] Oh! 1117%-- Escape from New Bedlam, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1118%Marge: I told you kids you were going to send your father to the crazy house! 1118%Bart: No, Mom, you said poor house. 1118%Marge: I said crazy house. 1118%Bart: Poor house. 1118%Marge: Crazy house. 1118%Bart: Poor house. 1118%Marge: Crazy house! 1118%-- Den of iniquity? ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1119%Hello, you have reached the New Bedlam ``Wrongly Committed'' Hot-line. 1119%All of our operators are currently busy. Please stand by. 1119%[Muzak is `Crazy', Patsy Cline's biggest hit (written by Willie Nelson).] 1119%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1120%Homer: [talking in his sleep] pancakes... football... boobies... 1120% pork rinds... waffles... 1120%Man: [to his stuffed animal] Bubbles, it's going to be a long night. 1120%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1121%Dave: So I was working in an insurance company, right? Youngest VP 1121% in the history of the firm, okay? The job was my life. 1121% Then one Monday morning, I got up. I got up, I couldn't leave 1121% the house. I just couldn't. 1121%Homer: Was the door locked? 1121%Dave: No, I just couldn't face what was out there. 1121%Homer: Was it raining? 1121%Nurse: No, Homer, Dave suffers from agoraphobia, a fear of open areas and 1121% crowds. Please, Dave, go on. 1121%Dave: Thank you. Anyway, that day I just knew I just couldn't make that 1121% long drive to work. 1121%Homer: Were you out of gas? 1121%Nurse: [glares at Homer] 1121%Homer: Pffft. Baby... 1121%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1122%Doctor: Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution 1122% complex, extreme paranoia, and bladder hostility. 1122%Marge: Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning 1122% our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is. 1122%Doctor: You mean there really is a Bart?! Good Lord! 1122%-- Springing Homer from the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting, 1122% ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1123%Doctor: Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, we believe you're no 1123% threat to yourself or others. 1123%Homer: That's the most flattering thing anyone has ever said to me. 1123% Can I have it in writing, please? 1123%Doctor: Of course. [hands Homer a certificate: 1123% This certifies 1123% HOMER SIMPSON 1123% not insane.] 1123%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1124%Homer: If you ever find your marbles, come visit us. 1124%Man: Well, how about today? I'm only here voluntarily. 1124%Homer: You are!? Why? 1124%Man: Well, back in 1979, I got real depressed when my `Off the Wall' 1124% album just got one lousy Grammy nomination. 1124%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1125%Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em. 1125%-- Bart answers the phone, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1126%Homer: [on the phone with Bart] 1126% I'm bringing Michael Jackson home to stay with us for a few days. 1126% [aside] Isn't that cute, he's heard of you. 1126% [to phone] Now make sure we have plenty of cold cuts, and put some 1126% beer on ice... 1126%Man: Um, Homer, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't drink. 1126%Homer: Are you you're here voluntarily? 1126%-- Checking out of the New Bedlam Home for the Emotionally Interesting, 1126% ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1127%Bart: [on the phone] 1127% Yes, Dad, I solemnly swear I will not tell another living soul. 1127% ... 1127% No, not even Millhouse. [hangs up] 1127% [intense, but brief, mental struggle] 1127% [dials phone] 1127% Hello, Millhouse? Can you keep a secret? 1127%Millhouse: No. 1127%Bart: Oh, well, who cares. 1127%-- I've got a secret, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1128%This is the uh most exciting thing to happen to our uh fair town 1128%since the Dalai Lama visited in 1952. And so, I hereby declare that 1128%Route 401, currently known as the Dalai Lama Expressway, will be 1128%henceforth be known as the Michael Jackson Expressway. 1128%-- Mayor `Diamond' Joe Quimby, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1129%Lisa: Bart, the entire town is howling for your blood, and before I join 1129% them, I have one question. Today is my birthday. You promised 1129% to get me something and... and... I'm afraid to ask... 1129%Bart: You know, maybe you should trust that instinct and not ask. 1129%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1130%Dear Bart, I am using the stationery Mom and Dad gave me 1130%to inform you that we are now brother and sister in name only. Perhaps 1130%if a professional so advises, I will give you a hug at some far-distant 1130%family reunion. But rest assured, it will be purely for show. [sobs] 1130%-- Lisa writes a letter to Bart, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1131%Bart: I can't write a song, I'm only ten. 1131%Man: Only ten? When I was your age, I had six gold records! 1131%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1132%Bart: Looney Toons, this is what Michael Jackson looks like. 1132% [shows an album] 1132% You're nothing but a big fat mental patient. 1132%Man: You'd be amazed how often I hear that. 1132%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1133%[to the tune of the Colonel Bogey March] 1133%Lisa, her teeth are big and green. 1133%Lisa, she smells like gasoline. 1133%Lisa, da da da Disa. 1133%She is my sister, her birthday, I missed-a. 1133%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1134%Man: Oh, she looks sad. 1134%Bart: That's 'cause she knows you're looking at her. 1134%Lisa: [turns] Although I'm aware you're looking at me, I would look 1134% exactly the same even if you weren't. 1134%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1135%Man: Bart, think. What happens to you when you turn eight? 1135%Bart: Well, your training wheels come off your bike... 1135%Man: Good. That's good. [plays and sings] 1135% Your training wheels come off your bike, 1135% You start to notice boy you like. Hee hee hee! 1135%Bart: You're just putting that in because it's commercial. 1135%Man: [chuckles] 1135%-- Bart's birthday song for Lisa, ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1136%Man: [in his normal voice] Well, my work is done here. 1136%Bart: Hey, Michael, what happened to your voice? 1136%Man: This is my real voice. My name is Leon Kompowski, and I'm a bricklayer 1136% from Paterson, New Jersey. All my life, I was very angry. Until one 1136% day, I just [Michael Jackson voice] talked like this. 1136% [in his normal voice] All of a sudden, everyone was smiling at me, 1136% and I was only doing good on this earth. So I kept on doing it. 1136% To make a tired point, which one of us is truly crazy? 1136%Homer: Not me, I've got this! [shows his certificate] 1136%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1137%Marge: Bye-bye, Leon. 1137%Lisa: You're a credit to dementia! 1137%-- ``Stark Raving Dad'' 1138%Bad news, drivers. There's an overturned melon truck on the interstate. 1138%Oh, it's a mess. There's lots of rubber-necking and melon wrestling 1138%going on, folks... 1138%-- Bill Pie ``in the Sky'', KBBL traffic report, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1139%This is KBBL talk radio, K-Babble. All talk, 24 hours a day. 1139%If you'd like to share your embarrassing problem with our listening 1139%audience, we invite you to call our therapist of the airwaves, Dr. Marvin 1139%Monroe. The number is 555-PAIN. 1139%[Marge drums her fingers and casts nervous glances at the phone] 1139%Don't be afraid, call now! 1139%[Marge dashes for the phone] 1139%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1140%Dr.MM: Next we have Marge. She's 34 and trapped in a loveless sham of 1140% a marriage. 1140%Homer: Hey, turn it up! I love hearing those wackos! 1140%-- The SNPP workers listen to a radio call-in show, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1141%Dr.MM: [radio talk show therapist] Tell me about your husband, Marge. 1141%Marge: [on the phone] When we were dating, he was sweeter... and more 1141% romantic! ... [beginning to sob] And forty pounds thinner, 1141% and he had hair... [burbling barely coherently] And he ate 1141% with utensils! [breaks down crying] 1141%-- Marge calls KBBL, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1142%Dr.MM: Your husband sees you as nothing. 1142%Marge: [pause] Oh, okay. Well, thank you. [about to hang up] 1142%Dr.MM: No no no, don't hang up! 1142%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1143%Dr.MM: The pig has made you into his mother. 1143% You are not the hot love object you deserve to be! 1143%Marge: Really? 1143%Dr.MM: I'm as sure of it as I'm sure my voice is annoying. 1143% Marge, tonight, the second he comes through that front door, you've got 1143% to tell him you're fed up, and if he doesn't start loving you, 1143% you will be leaving. 1143%Marge: Leave Homer!? 1143%Dr.MM: Please! Don't use his real name! 1143%Marge: Leave Pedro!? 1143%-- Marge calls a radio talk show therapist, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1144%Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again! 1144%Bart: [dialing the phone] Aw, where's your sense of humor. 1144%Moe: Moe's Tavern. 1144%Bart: Hello, is Al there? 1144%Moe: Al? 1144%Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic. 1144%Moe: Lemme check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. 1144% Is there an Al Coholic here? 1144% [bar denizens laugh] 1144% Wait a minute... 1144% [to phone] 1144% Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass, if I ever find out 1144% who you are, I'm gonna kill you! 1144%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1145%Homer: Hey, Barney, am I a pig? 1145%Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am! [huge belch] 1145%-- From someone who should know, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1146%Moe: Homer, buy your wife some flowers and take her out for a night on the 1146% town. Candles, tablecloth, the whole nine yards. 1146%-- Gee, I didn't mean to put you to so much trouble, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1147%Homer: [unsure of himself] Uh, I'd like some flowers. 1147%Florist: What kind of flowers? 1147%Homer: Uh, you know, pretty ones, not dead. 1147%Florist: Well, we've have some beautiful long-stemmed roses. They're $55 1147% a dozen. 1147%Homer: [thinks] One, please. 1147%-- Think small, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1148%Bart: [dialing the phone] A little pre-dinner entertainment. 1148%Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern. 1148%Bart: Is Oliver there? 1148%Moe: Who? 1148%Bart: Oliver Clothesoff. 1148%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver 1148% Clothesoff! 1148%Bart+Lisa: [laugh] 1148%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1149%Homer: And, I made reservations at Chez [pron. /chez/] Paree! 1149%Marge: Oh, but Homer, that's expensive! 1149%Homer: It matters not, mon frere! 1149%-- A night on the town with the boys? ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1150%Clerk: Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service! 1150%Homer: Hello, this is Mr... Sam-son. 1150%Clerk: Did your wife just call a second ago? 1150%Homer: No, I said Samson, not Simpson. 1150%-- Just checking, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1151%Actually, the Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we've found them to be a 1151%quite misunderstood and underrated family. 1151%-- Homer pretends to be Mr. Samson, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1152%Aye-aye, Mambo-Man! 1152%-- Bart, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1153%[moaning] Oh! The Elves! The Elves! 1153%-- Quasi-Bart-o, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1154%Bart: [watching a Happy Little Elves tape] Oh, man, I can't take it any more! 1154%Lisa: But I want to see what happens. 1154%Bart: You what happens. They find Captain Quick's treasure. 1154% All the elves dance around like little green idiots. I puke. The End. 1154%Lisa: Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love. 1154%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1155%The Cue-ball Killer should be considered extremely armed and dangerous. 1155%If you think you've seen him, call 1-800-U-SQUEAL. 1155%-- ``Some Enchanged Evening'' 1156%The defenseless youngsters were tied up and gagged in the living 1156%room, while the bandit roamed the house at will, 1156%[TV pans over an empty house] 1156%stealing the valuable objects it took the family a lifetime to shop for! 1156%-- Watching `America's Most Armed and Dangerous', ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1157%Seeing as no one was hurt, I think it would be really silly to dwell on this. 1157%-- Bart to The Babysitter Bandit, after a failed capture attempt, 1157% ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1158%Bart: We know who you are, Ms. Botz. Or should I say, Ms. Botzcowski. 1158% You're the Babysitter Bandit. 1158%Ms.B: You're a smart young man, Bart. I hope you're smart enough to keep 1158% your mouth shut. 1158%Lisa: He isn't. 1158%-- A little knowledge, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1159%Operator: Hello, vigilant viewer. How may we help you? 1159%Lisa: We caught her! We caught the Babysitter Bandit! She's tied up 1159% at our house right now! 1159%Bart: Ask if there's a reward. 1159%Lisa: Is there a reward? ... [to Bart] If she's convicted, we get T-shirts. 1159%Bart: Yeah! 1159%-- Calling America's Most Armed and Dangerous, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1160%Ms.Botz: Mr. Samson, can I give you a bit of advice? 1160%Homer: Sure. 1160%Ms.Botz: Don't turn your back on that boy for a second. 1160%-- Words of warning from the Babysitter Bandit, ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1161%Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright. 1161%Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, you raised three 1161% children who could knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, 1161% you must be doing right. 1161%-- ``Some Enchanted Evening'' 1162%Lisa: `Id', triple-word score! 1162%Homer: No abbreviations. 1162%Lisa; Not I.D., Dad, `id'. It's a word! 1162%Bart: As in ``This game is stoop-id''. 1162%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius'' 1163%Bart: Here we go. Kwyjibo. [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. 1163% Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points 1163% for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here. [gets up] 1163%Homer: [grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right] 1163% Wait a minute, you little cheater! 1163% You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is. 1163%Bart: Kwyjibo. Uh... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin. 1163%Marge: And a short temper. 1163%Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart] 1163%Bart: [making his escape] Uh oh. Kwyjibo on the loose! 1163%-- Playing Scrabble, ``Bart the Genius'' 1164%Pr.Sk: Whoever did this is in very deep trouble. 1164%Martin: And a sloppy speller, too. 1164% The preferred spelling of `wiener' is W-I-E-N-E-R, 1164% althoug E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant. 1164%Pr.Sk: Good point. 1164%-- Either way, he's still a weiner. ``Bart the Genius'' 1165%Now I don't want you to worry, class. These test will have no effect on your 1165%grade. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. 1165%[looks at Bart] If any. 1165%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius'' 1166%Remember to visualize the complex problem. 1166%And relaaaaax. The test will start... [looks around calmly] [yells] Now! 1166%-- Ms. Krabappel administers an IQ test, ``Bart the Genius'' 1167%Bart: [reading a test question] 1167% The 7:30am express train travelling at 60 miles an hour leaves Santa Fe 1167% bound for Phoenix, [chews on his pencil] 520 miles away. 1167%Ms.K: Shhh! [points to her head] Visualize it, Bart! 1167%Bart: [visualizing in black-and-white] At the same time, the local train 1167% travelling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix 1167% bound for Santa Fe. It is eight cars long and always carries the 1167% same number of passengers in each car. [Bart counts five passengers on 1167% the train car (the number hovering over each passenger's head) 1167% and visualizes 40 / 8 = 5. The train travels through a numerical 1167% landscape.] 1167% An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of 1167% minutes past the hour get off, and three times as many plus six 1167% get on. [Bart and his equation are trampled by the passengers.] 1167% At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice 1167% as many get on as got on at the first stop. [Trampled again. 1167% Bart spits out a number.] 1167%Train conductor: Ticket, please. 1167%Bart: I don't have a ticket! 1167%Train conductor: Come with me, boy. 1167% [drags Bart off. Numbers circle Bart's head] 1167% We've got a stowaway, sir. 1167%Bart: I'll pay! How much? 1167% [the train engineer is... Martin! Shoveling numbers into the engine.] 1167%Martin: Twice the fare from Tuscon to Flagstaff minus two thirds of the fare 1167% Albuquerque to El Paso! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!! 1167%-- Math is Hell, ``Bart the Genius'' 1168%What are you looking at, Bart! Are those naughty dogs back again? 1168%-- Ms. Krabappel catches Bart staring out the window, ``Bart the Genius'' 1169%Pr.Sk: I caught your son defacing school property this morning. 1169% We estimate the damage is $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly 1169% unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill. 1169%Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you going to do? 1169%Marge: [whispers to Homer] 1169%Homer: Oh no. He can't mean that. [to Principal Skinner] 1169% My wife thinks you want to pay for it. 1169%Pr.Sk: That the idea. 1169%Homer: Oh. 1169%-- ``Bart the Genius'' 1170%What do need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. 1170%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius'' 1171%Dr.J: The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course, but 1171% as you can see, it's beyond the range of any doubt. 1171% [hands Homer a slip of paper] 1171%Homer: Nine hundred and twelve!!?!? 1171%Dr.J: Uh, no. You have it upside-down. It's two hundred and sixteen. 1171%Homer: [disappointed] Oh. 1171%-- ``Bart the Genius'' 1172%Dr.J: [measuring Bart's head with calipers] 1172% Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school? 1172%Bart: Oh, you bet. 1172%Dr.J: Mm hm. Do you ever feel a little frustrated? 1172%Bart: All the time, sir. 1172%Dr.J: Uh huh. And do you ever dream of leaving class to pursue your own 1172% intellectual development on an independent basis? 1172%Bart: Oh, like you're reading my mind, man. 1172%-- Great minds think alike, ``Bart the Genius'' 1173%Pr.Sk: I think we should re-test him. 1173%Dr.J: No, I think we should move him to another school. 1173%Pr.Sk: Even better! 1173%-- ``Bart the Genius'' 1174%Homer: My son, a genius!? How does it happen? 1174%Dr.J: Well, genius, like intelligence, is usually the result of heredity 1174% and environment. 1174%Homer: [stares blankly] 1174%Dr.J: Although in some cases, it's a total mystery. 1174%-- ``Bart the Genius'' 1175%Marge: It's a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more 1175% nutritious. 1175%Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes is what got him where he 1175% is today! [looks at the box] It must be one of these chemicals 1175% here that makes him so smart... Lisa? 1175%Lisa: [looks up from her granola] 1175%Homer: Maybe you should try some of this. 1175%Marge: Homer! 1175%Homer: I'm just saying, why not have geniuses in the family? 1175% Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up. 1175%-- First day of genius school, ``Bart the Genius'' 1176%Bart: Oh no, ties! 1176%Homer: Don't worry, son, you can have mine. 1176% Here, let me show you how to put on a tie. 1176% [takes off his clip-on] 1176% The hook goes over the top, and these things go in there. 1176%-- ``Bart the Genius'' 1177%Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may 1177%achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: 1177%You may outsmart someone! 1177%-- Homer drops Bart off at the Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children, 1177% ``Bart the Genius'' 1178%Ms.M: Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives? 1178%Bart: [looks around nervously; all stare at him] 1178% Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. 1178%-- ``Bart the Genius'' 1179%Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm... 1179% mmm... What's that word where you encourage something to grow? 1179%Bart+Homer: [stare blankly and hum ``I dunno''] 1179%Lisa: [brightly] Nurturing. 1179%Marge: ... nurturing your brilliant brain. 1179%-- ``Bart the Genius'' 1180%Marge: I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up, get dressed, 1180% it starts at eight. 1180%Bart: [whining] Oh, Mom, not tonight... 1180%Homer: Come on, Bart. Your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead 1180% and enjoy the show. 1180%Marge: Homer, you're going, too. 1180%Homer: But I'm not a genius! Why should suffer!? 1180%-- ``Bart the Genius'' 1181%Toreador, oh, don't spit on the floor. 1181%Please use the cuspador. 1181%That's what it's for. 1181%-- Bart at the opera, ``Bart the Genius'' 1182%Marge: Bart, stop fooling around! 1182% Homer, stop encouraging him. 1182%Homer: Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're to encourage him. 1182%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius'' 1183%Homer: Who's the lard-butt? 1183%Lisa: He's the bullfighter. 1183%Bart: No way the bull's going to miss a target that big! 1183%-- At the opera, ``Bart the Genius'' 1184%Ms.M: So y = r^3/3. And if you determine the rate of change in this 1184% curve correctly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. 1184%Class: [chuckles] 1184%Ms.M: Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative dy = 3 r^2 / 3, or r^2 dr, 1184% or r dr r. Har-de-har-har, get it? 1184%Bart: [not amused] Oh, yeah. [forced laugh] 1184%-- Making math fun, ``Bart the Genius'' 1185%It doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong. 1185%-- Dr. J. Loren Pryor, ``Bart the Genius'' 1186%I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors 1186%before he invented the light bulb. 1186%-- Homer, ``Bart the Genius'' 1187%Ms.K: [blows whistle] Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a 1187% repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So 1187% I want you all to be on your best behavior. Especially you, 1187% Bart Simpson. 1187%Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door! 1187%-- It was like that when I got there! ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1188%Oooh, sorry little dudes. Party hearty equals tardy. 1188%-- Otto, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1189%Bart: Hey Otto! Hey Otto-man! 1189%Otto: Hey Bart-dude! 1189%Bart: Any new tattoos, Otto? 1189%Otto: Ho! Funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up 1189% with this one. [lifts his sleeve] 1189%Bart: Cooool! I want one! 1189%Otto: Not till your fourteen, my little friend. 1189%Bart: [forlorn look] 1189%-- Good things come to those who wait, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1190%Please try not to shake the seat like that. 1190%-- Wendell rides on the school bus, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1191%Ms.K: Now class, remember, do not stick any part of your body out the 1191% window. We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck 1191% his arm out the window and had it ripped off by a big truck 1191% coming in the other direction. 1191%Bart: [arm tucked inside his shirt] And I was that fool! 1191%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1192%Lewis: Look, there's our school again! 1192%Ms. K: Otto, are you sure you... 1192%Otto: It's a shortcut Mrs. K, trust me! 1192%-- Field trip, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1193%Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, Mrs. Krabappel! 1193%Mrs K: Bart! Not another word out of you, or I'll subject you to the 1193% humiliation of making you sing in front of the class. 1193%Bart: Can I pick the song? 1193%Mrs K: No! The song will be `John Henry Was a Steel Driving Man'. 1193%Bart: [moans] Oh no. [zips his mouth shut] 1193%Sherry: We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson. 1193%Terry: Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing. 1193% [they consult privately, giggle, then both lean over the 1193% bus seat and kiss Bart] 1193%Bart: Waaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh! 1193%Ms.K: That's it Bart! Oh, why can't you be more like... uh... uh... uh... 1193%S+T: [raising their hands] Us, Mrs. Krabappel? 1193%Otto: Yeah... Sherry and Terry, they know how to behave. 1193%S+T: [halos appear over their heads as they sit angelically on the bus] 1193%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1194%Bart: Da-da, da da-da, DA, Whoa! 1194% They took Bart Simpson to the graveyard. [ungh] 1194% And buried him in the sand. (oh yeah) 1194% And every locomotive that came rollin' by 1194%Ms.K: Bart! 1194%Bart: said 1194% There lies a steel-driving man, 1194%Ms.K: Bart! 1194%Bart: (lord lord, ooh) 1194% There lies a steel... 1194%Ms.K: Okay, Bart, that's enough! 1194%-- Bart sings as punishment, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1195%Narrator: When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this... 1195%A-Bomb: BOOM! [the kids cheer wildly] 1195%-- Nuclear Energy, our misunderstood friend, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1196%Uh-oh. Looks like there's a little left-over nuclear waste. 1196%[pulls out a hand broom] No problem! 1196%I'll just put them where nobody will find them for a million years! 1196%[sweeps the wasties under a throw rug and stomps them down] 1196%-- Smilin' Joe Fission, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1197%Sherry: Hey Bart! Our dad says your dad is incompetent. 1197%Bart: What does incompetent mean? 1197%Terry: It means he spends more time yacking and scarfing down donuts than 1197% doing his job. 1197%Bart: Oh, okay. I though you where putting me down. 1197%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1198%Ya know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and 1198%ones baked today! 1198%-- Homer enjoys some donuts, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1199%Supervisor: All right, who's responsible for this? 1199% [everyone points at Homer] 1199%Homer: [meekly raises his hand] 1199%Supervisor: I might have known it was you, Simpson. 1199%Homer: But sir, I... 1199%Supervisor: I don't want to hear about it Simpson, your fired! 1199% [looks up to catwalk] 1199% Oh, hi, girls! 1199%Sherry+Terry: [waving] Hi, Daddy! 1199%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1200%Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory. 1200%Homer: Those perfectionists, forget it. 1200%Lisa: How about this, a supervising technician at the toxic waste dump. 1200%Homer: I'm no supervising technician, I'm a technical supervisor. 1200%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1201%There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of 1201%industrial accidents, and you've always bounced back. 1201%-- Marge, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1202%I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much. 1202%-- Homer bemoans his lost job, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1203%Bart: Is Mister Freely there? 1203%Moe: Who? 1203%Bart: Freely, first initials I. P. 1203%Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? 1203% Hey everybody, I. P. Freely! 1203% [the customers laugh] 1203% Wait a minute... Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a 1203% hold of you, your dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half. 1203%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1204%Marge: Are you all right, Homer? 1204%Homer: I'm fine, I'm just thinking. 1204%Marge: I've been thinking, too. You know Homer, you've always been such a 1204% good provider... but when we got married, even Mr. Burger promised I 1204% could come back to my old job any time I wanted. 1204%Homer: You think you can still do that line of work? 1204%Marge: Sure, you never forget. It's just like riding a bicycle. 1204% [at a drive-in restaurant] 1204%Otto: Hey Momma, where's my fries already! 1204% [Marge skates in, somewhat annoyed] 1204%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1205%Lisa: Dad! Eat something! [holds up a sandwich] It's got mustard on it. 1205% [Homer's eye view of the ceiling] 1205% [Bart leans in and waves his hand. Lisa also leans in.] 1205%Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale. 1205%Lisa: I don't know what else to do. 1205%Maggie: [pokes Homer in the eye. The picture fuzzes.] 1205%Bart: There's only one thing we can do... take advantage of the old 1205% guy. You've gotta sign my report card, Dad. 1205% [Bart takes Homer's hand and scrawls his name] 1205%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1206%TV Announcer: Loaf-time, the cable network for the unemployed, will be 1206% back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this. 1206%Duff Beer commercial: Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat 1206% around the house all day, but now it's Duff time! Duff, the beer 1206% that makes the days fly by! 1206%Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. 1206%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1207%Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. 1207%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1208%[smashes open Bart's piggy bank with a hammer] 1208%Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, 1208%and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. 1208%Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... [counts] not even close. 1208%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1209%Mrs. Winfield: Looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself. 1209%Mr. Winfield: Oh, maybe not. 1209% Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk. 1209%-- Homer walks down the street with a rock tied to his waist, 1209% ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1210%Homer: Boy! This intersection is dangerous. Someone oughta put a 1210% stop sign here. [a beam of sunlight graces Homer's face] 1210%Marge: Oh, Homer, how could think of killing yourself? We love you. 1210%Lisa: Yeah, Dad, we love you. 1210%Bart: Yeah! 1210% [during Homer's speech, the sun rises slowly in the distance] 1210%Homer: Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now 1210% I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to 1210% face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until 1210% this street gets a stop sign! 1210%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1211%Chief Wiggum: Well it's no secret. Our city is under siege by a 1211% graffiti vandal know as El Barto. Police artists have a 1211% composite sketch of the culprit. If anyone has any information, 1211% please contact us immediately. 1211%Bart: [looking at the `Wanted' poster that shares only a slight resemblance] 1211% Cool man! 1211%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1212%Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls, 1212% retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many, 1212% many forms, from the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman 1212% ancestors, to the... 1212%Esteemed Councilman: Simpson! Get to the point. 1212%Homer: I think we should put a stop sign on D Street and Twelfth. The 1212% other... 1212%Councilman: All in favor [unanimously with the other councilmen] Aye. 1212% Approved, Meeting adjourned. 1212%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1213%If they think I'm going stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken! 1213%-- Homer becomes safety-conscious, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1214%Homer: But come on, we all know this is small potatoes. There's a 1214% danger in this town that is bigger than all the Dips put together. 1214%Lisa: What, Dad? 1214%Homer: I'm talking about ! [points at the SNPP] 1214%Marge: You mean your going to pick on your old bosses? 1214%Lisa: Wow! 1214%Bart: Gee, Dad's a hero. 1214%Homer: Whadja say, son? 1214%Bart: Nuthin'. 1214%Homer: That's ok, I'll just assume you said what I though I heard you say. 1214%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1215%He also brought you the speed bump [cheer!] 1215%The dip sign [cheer!] 1215%The fifteen mile per hour speed limit on Main Street [boo!] 1215%I give you the man who's very name is synonymous with safety, Homer Simpson! 1215%-- Demonstration in front of SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1216%Unlike most of you, I am not a nut. 1216%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1217%Burns: Look at that man, he has the crowd in the palm of his hand. I 1217% haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. [to Smithers] 1217% Who is he? 1217%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here in the plant, 1217% but we fired him for gross incompetence. 1217%Burns: Ah, so that's his little game. Get this Simpson character up here 1217% right now. 1217%Smithers: But Mr. Burns! 1217%Burns: I said do it, now DO IT, DO IT, DO IT! 1217%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1218%Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, 1218%many of them incompetent boobs. 1218%I know this because I worked alongside them, 1218%gone bowling with them, 1218%watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. 1218%And I say... This stinks! 1218%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1219%Smithers: Hey, Simpson, Burns wants to talk to you privately. 1219%Homer: [still speaking through the megaphone] Privately? 1219%-- Homer leads a demonstration at the SNPP, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1220%Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet. 1220%-- Monty Burns' famous words, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1221%Burns: Hear me out Simpson! I don't want you to come back as a technical 1221% supervisor, or supervising technician, or whatever the hell you 1221% used to be. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant. 1221%Homer: Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more 1221% accidents around here than any other employee, [leaning forward] 1221% including a few doozies no one every found out about. 1221%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1222%Homer: [thinking to himself] Me in charge of safety? 1222% This place could blow sky-high. 1222% Naah, I'll concentrate on my work now. 1222% Hey, this guy's desk sure is big. 1222% I can't let Marge support the family! 1222% This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. 1222% What should I... 1222%Burns: Simpson! Time's up. 1222%Homer: What the hay, I'll take the job. 1222%-- A carefully-thought-out decision, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1223%Burns: You mean you're willing to give up a good job and a raise, just 1223% for your principles? 1223%Homer: Hmmmm, you put it that way it does sound a little far-fetched, 1223% but that's the lug your looking at... and I vow to continue 1223% spending every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of 1223% course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me 1223% the job. 1223%Burns: Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing 1223% indicates. 1223%-- ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1224%Your not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates. 1224%-- Monty Burns, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1225%Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. 1225%So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow 1225%yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You 1225%have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, 1225%and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The 1225%only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you... 1225%But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at 1225%this very plant, and a big fat raise! 1225%-- Homer's announcement, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1226%You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us. 1226%-- Homer, ``Homer's Odyssey'' 1227% Bart: Yeah, Oh yeah! yeah! oh Yeah! 1227% Lisa: yeah! yeah, yeah, Yeah! 1227% Homer: [running into the room, picking both kids up by the collar] 1227% Hey! What's the problem here? 1227% Lisa: We were fighting over which one of us loves you more. 1227% Homer: [touched] You where? [sniff] Aww -- well, go ahead. 1227% [releases the kids] 1227% Bart: You love him more. 1227% Lisa: No, you do! 1227% Bart: No I don't! 1227% Lisa: Yes you DO! 1227% Bart: NO I DON'T! 1228% Homer: [growling] Look! You better get this out of your system right now, 1228% I don't you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic. 1228%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1229% Homer: Hhmmmm, marshmallows,, 1229% [helps himself to one, then belches a la' Barney] 1229% Marge: [standing in the passageway to the den, arms folded] Ho-mer! 1229% Homer: I'm trying to get at least some of the unfortunate flatuations (?) 1229% out of my system while I can, Marge. I don't want to embarrass 1229% myself at the company picnic. 1229%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1230% Homer: [looking to the kitchen counter] Are you sure that's enough? You 1230% know how the boss loves your delicious gelatin dessert! 1230% Marge: Oh Homer, Mr Burns just said he liked it,, [indicates with her 1230% finger] Once. 1230% Homer: Marge, that's the only time he's ever spoke to me without using the 1230% word [dejectivley] Bonehead. 1230%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1231% Homer: Okay, now look. My Boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want 1231% you to show your father some love and/or respect. 1231% Lisa: Tough choice. 1231% Bart: I'm picking respect. 1231%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1232% Burns: Oh please please, don't fight. Just go out back and have a good 1232% time. [to Smithers] Fire that man Smithers, I don't want him, or 1232% his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic. 1232% Smithers: He'll be gone by the Tug-o-war sir. 1232% Burns: Excellent. 1232%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1233% Homer: Ah, afternoon Mr Burns! 1233% Burns: Hello there.. ah.. ah.. 1233% Homer: [whispering to Smithers] Simpson, Homer. 1233% Smithers: [handing a record card to Burns] Here you go sir. 1233% Burns: Ah! Oh yes,, [reading the card] Oh, and this must be your lovely 1233% wife [pauses] Marge. [she smiles] 1233% Ho ho, look at little.. ah [consults the card] Lisa! Why, she's 1233% growing like a weed. 1233% And this must be.. ah, Brat! 1233% Brat: [unimpressed] Bart. 1233% Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat! 1233%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1234% Burns: [slapping forehead] Oh for the love of Peta,, that's all that 1234% anyone brought. Some damned fool went around telling everyone that 1234% I loved that slimy goop! [family taken aback] Well, toss it in the 1234% pile over there [pointing to several rooms full of GD], and... make 1234% yourself at home. 1234% Bart: Hear that Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch 1234% yourself. 1234% Homer: [angrily, he goes to strangle Bart] Now you listen to me! 1234% Burns: Trouble, Simpson? 1234% Homer: [one hand around Bart's neck] No, heh heh heh. Just congratulating 1234% the son on a fine joke about his old man. [nervously pats Bart's 1234% head] 1234%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1235% Homer: Now, remember! As far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family. 1235% Lisa: Hey Bart! Last one in the fountain's a rotten egg! 1235% Homer: D'oh! [chasing after the two] Be Normal! Be Normal! 1235%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1236% Marge: Do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised? 1236% Mother1: Your right. [turns on the TV] 1236%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1237% Homer: Bart! Lisa! [swans stampede Homer] Willya,, D'oh,, Where are are 1237% you kids! [Bart beans Homer with a rock] Ow! 1237% Bart: Oops. [Homer grabs Bart] Whoa, careful Dad. Blow a gasket, and 1237% you lose you job. 1237% Announcement over Loudspeaker: 1237% NOW HEAR THIS, THE FATHER-SON SACK RACE WILL BEGIN IN FIVE MINUTES 1237% ON THE NORTH LAWN. PARTICIPATION IS MANDATORY, REPEAT MANDATORY. 1237% THAT IS ALL. 1237% Homer: You remember the rules from last year? 1237% Bart: Yeah, shut my mouth and let your Boss win. 1237%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1238% Red-haired Mother: I don't know who to love more,, My son Joshua who's 1238% captain of the school team, or my daughter Amber who got the lead 1238% in the school play. Usually, I use their grades as a tie-breaker, 1238% but they both got straight A's this term, so what's a mother to do? 1238% Marge: [helping herself to ample amounts of the punch] Umm-hmm. Well I 1238% sense greatness in my family. 1238% Mother1: family? 1238% Marge: Well, it's a greatness that others can't see,, but it's there, and 1238% if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average. 1239% Marge: I don't want to alarm anyone, [woozily] but I think there's a 1239% little al-key-hol in this punch. [scoops another cupful] 1239%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1240% Bart: Man, this is pathetic! I'm going for it! 1240%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1241% Marge: Here we sit, enjoying the shade. 1241% Wives: Hey Marge, and pour the wine! 1241% Marge: Drink the drink that I have made. 1241% Wives: Hey Marge and pour the wine! 1241% Marge: He's here with me, my one and only. 1241% [Homer runs past chasing the kids. He sees Marge, ``Huh?''] 1241% Drink my friends and don't be lonely. 1241% [Homer slaps forehead, ``Oh!''] 1241% Wives: Hey Marge, and pour the wine! 1241%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1242% Homer: Snap out of it Marge! You've gotta come with me, the Boss is going 1242% to make a toast. 1242% Marge: Whoa-oh, I'm not much of a drinker. [collapses] 1242% Homer: You picked a perfect time to start, you... [Marge gazes at him] 1242%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1243% Burns: Musicians, cease that infernal tootling! 1243% [Smithers hands him a palm card] 1243% Thank you all. 1243% [handed another card] 1243% ah,, For coming. 1243%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1244% Burns: [politely, smiling] But now it's time to say goodbye. Please get 1244% off my property, until next year. [dispensing with the niceties] 1244% I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten 1244% minutes! 1244%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1245% Homer: Quick Bart, give me a kiss. 1245% Bart: Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid! 1245% Homer: Bart, Five bucks for a kiss. 1245%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1246% Burns: Look, I've never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor. 1246% Smithers: Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous. 1246%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1247% Homer: Boy, I'm glad that's over. Now we can go home and act normal again. 1247% Father: What do you mean? 1247% Homer: Oh come on! ``[kiss kiss kiss],'' that corn-ball routine? ``I love 1247% you Daddy,'' Gimme a break! 1247% Father: I pity you. 1247%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1248% Marge: Homey! Get in the Car! 1248% Lisa: This is where you belong! 1248% Bart: Yeah Homer, room for one more! 1248% M+L+B: [chanting] One of us! One of us! One of us! One of us! 1248%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1249% TV: Unable to fend for themselves, the baby bald eaglets are dependent 1249% on their mother regurgitating the food. 1249%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1250% Bart+Lisa: Hey! 1250% Homer: Look everybody. Yesterday was a real eye-opener. We've got to do 1250% better as a family. So tonight, we're not going to shovel food into 1250% our mouths while we stare at the TV. We're going to eat at the 1250% Dining-room table like a normal family. 1250%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1251% Lisa: Happy Dad? 1251% Homer: Yes. 1251% Lisa: Good, commence shoveling. 1251% Homer: No, [everyone stops mid-shovel] We're going to say Grace first. 1251% Bart: Ok,, [hands clasped] Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. 1251% Homer: Grrrrr! No! Ignore the boy, Lord. Now can the chatter and bow 1251% your heads. [clears throat] 1251% Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we 1251% don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! 1251% Pardon my French,, but they act like savages! [kids bewildered] 1251% Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did... you're 1251% everywhere, you're omnivorous. 1251% Oh Lord! Why did you spite me with this family? 1251% Marge+B+L: Amen! [Bart:``Lets eat!'' and they continue shoveling] 1251%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1252% Marge: But Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here listening to you 1252% bad-mouth us to the man upstairs? 1252% Homer: I'm sorry Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in 1252% town. 1252% Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community. 1252% Homer: D'oh,, 1252% Bart: Don't have a cow, Dad. 1252% Lisa: The sad truth is all families are like us. 1252% Homer: [standing up] You think so huh? Well there's only one way to find 1252% out,, follow me. 1252%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1253% Homer: Look at that kids! No fighting, no yelling. 1253% Bart: No belching. 1253% Lisa: Their dad has a shirt on! 1253% Marge: Look! Napkins! 1253% Bart: These people are obviously freaks. 1253% Homer: You think so? Well lets see what's behind door number 2. 1253% Lisa: What are they doing? 1253% Marge: They're having a conversation. They actually enjoy talking to each 1253% other. 1253% Homer: I wish I could hear what they're saying. 1253% Kid: Papa! I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes. 1253% Papa: I did too. Better get the gun. 1253% Lisa: Were's he going? 1253% Homer: Probably to get the old man his pipes and slippers. 1253%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1254% Bart: Whoa! Look at this place, what a dump! 1254% Homer: It's worst than you think, heh heh heh. I just trampled this poor 1254% sap's flower bed. 1254% Marge: Ho-mer, this is house. 1254% Marge: Are you coming in Homey? 1254% Homer: No, no. [depressed] I want to be alone with my thought. 1254%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1255% Homer: Another beer Moe. 1255% Moe: Whatsdamatta Homer? Bloodiest fight of the year. You're sitting 1255% there like a thirsty bump on a log. 1255%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1256% Moe: Eddie! Would you like some pretzels? 1256% Eddie: No thanks, we're on duty. A couple of beers would be nice though. 1256% Moe: That'll be two bucks, boys,, just kidding [reaches underneath the 1256% counter for two bottles] 1256% Cop2: Ah, listen,, We're looking for a family of peeping toms who have 1256% been terrorizing the neighborhood [police dog detects Homer, goes 1256% nuts] [to dog] Quiet boy! Let the nice people enjoy their beers. 1256% Ah, don't worry, this dog has the scent. 1256% Eddie: Hey? What's gotten into Bobo? 1256% Homer: Err, I've got some weiners (?sp) in my pocket. 1256%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1257% Homer: You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. 1257% She said ``Homer, you're a big disappointment'', and god bless her 1257% soul, she was really onto something. 1257% Barney: Don't blame yourself Homer. You've got yourself a bad hand. You've 1257% got crummy little kids that nobody can control. 1257% Homer: [agro] You can't talk way about my kids! Or at least two of them. 1257% Barney: Why? You got two that I haven't met? 1257% Homer: Why you! Here's five you haven't met! [punches Barney off his 1257% stool] 1257%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1258% TV: All-star Boxing was brought to you by ``Doctor Marvin Monroe's 1258% Family Therapy Center''. [Dr M on tube waving.] 1259% Wife: Honey, aren't you going to work today? 1259% Husband: No-o-o,, I don't think so. 1259% Wife: Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better until you admit 1259% it. 1259% Husband: I admit this -- you better shut your big yap! 1259% Wife: Oh you shut up. 1259% Hus: No, you shut up! 1259% Wife: No shut up! 1259% Hus: Oh shut up! 1259% Wife: Shut up! 1259% Hus: Shut up! [little kid enters the bedroom] 1259% Kid: Why don't you BOTH SHUT UP! 1259% Dr M: Hi friends, I'm Dr Marvin Monroe. Does this scene look familiar? 1259% If so, I can help. No gimmicks, no pills, no fad diets. Just 1259% family bliss, or double your money back! So call today! 1259% [dial 1-800-555-HUGS] 1259% Homer: When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the 1259% bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! 1259%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1260% Homer: All right, time for a family meeting. 1260% Lisa: [snidely] Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV? 1260% Homer: Now look,, You know and I know this family needs help, professional 1260% help. So I've made an appointment with Dr Marvin Monroe. 1260% Bart: The fat guy on TV? 1260% Lisa: You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on Pro-Wrestling? 1260% Homer: Boxing, Lisa, Boxing -- there's a world of difference. 1260%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1261% Homer: Honey, I've given matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials 1261% I saw, his was the best. 1261%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1262% Homer: Oh come on Marge,, Why skimp now on the off-chance that they'll 1262% actually get in someplace. 1262%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1263% Marge: 28.. 29.. 50. Twenty-eight dollars and fifty cents. 1263% Homer: That's it! That the college fund that we've been saving for all 1263% these years?!? 1263% Lisa: I guess I have needed a partial scholarship. 1263%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1264% Homer: To save this family we're gonna have to make the 1264% sacrifice. [Outside, Homer carries the family television into a 1264% Pawn shop.] 1264% Lisa: No Dad! Please don't pawn the TV! 1264%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1265% Marge: Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead? 1265% Homer: I appreciate that honey, but we need a hundred an fifty dollars 1265% here! 1265%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1266% Homer: [presenting TV] Would you pay $150 for this _lovely_ Motorola? 1266% Clerk: Is it cable-ready? 1266% Homer: As ready as she'll ever be. 1266%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1267% Marge: [despairingly] Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer, 1267% you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you. 1267% Homer: Hey,, No pain, no gain! 1268% Receptionist: Will you be paying by cash or cheque? 1268% Homer: Cash of course! I've got two hundred and fifty dollars right here 1268% with me,, I'm holding it right now. Here it is, look,, check it 1268% out, [Homer realizes he could be making a big mistake] Two hundred 1268% and fifty big ones. 1268% Bart: You really want to impress her, show her the big empty space where 1268% our TV used to be. 1268%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1269% Lisa: [forlornly] There go my young girl dreams of Vasser. 1269%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1270% Monroe: Hello, I'm doctor Marvin Monroe, no doubt you recognize me from TV. 1270% Lisa: We would if we had one. 1270%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1271% Monroe: Homer, what have you got for us? Homer,, Homer! 1271% Homer: Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. 1271% Monroe: Well if you had been paying attention, perhaps you've noticed that 1271% your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure -- an ogre, 1271% if you will. 1271% Marge: Now doctor, that's not true. 1271% Lisa: Ogre is such a strong word. 1271% Bart: Right on Doc! Another successful diagnosis! 1271%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1272% Monroe: Whoa! Okay, so you want to kill each other,, that's good, that's 1272% healthy. There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict. 1272% All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets. 1272% [unlocks a gun-rack with the therapy mallets inside.] 1272%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1273% Homer: Wait a minute, these mallet things are padded with foam rubber,, 1273% What's the point? 1273% Bart: They work much better without the padding Doc. 1273% Monroe: [hastily] No no no, that's not true! 1273%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1274% Monroe: That concludes this portion of our treatment. 1274% Marge: Are we cured yet? 1274% Monroe: No! Don't be ridiculous. You will be cured, but it's going to 1274% require somewhat more unorthodox methods. 1275% Monroe: Don't worry! I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up 1275% the... Electric Generator. 1275%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1276% Monroe: Everyone comfy? Hmmph, good. Now don't touch any of those buttons 1276% in front of you for a very important reason. Ie: You are wired in 1276% to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and 1276% they have the ability to shock... [Homer gets buzzed] 1276% Bart: Just testing. 1276%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1277% Monroe: No Homer, not yet! [Homer: ``Awwww'', disappointed] You see, this 1277% is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you 1277% emotionally, you will hurt them physically,, and gradually you will 1277% learn not to hurt each other -- at all! And won't that be wonderful 1277% Homer? 1277% Homer: Oh yes doctor! [zaps Bart] 1277% Bart: Ow! [presses button] 1277% Lisa: Aggghh! 1277% Marge: [scornfully] Bart! How could you shock you little sister? 1277% Bart: My finger slipped. [zapped] Arrrggh! 1277% Lisa: So did mine! [zapped by Bart] Ow! [she retaliates] 1277% Bart: Arggh! [zaps Lisa again] 1277% Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that! [zaps both] 1277%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1278% Smithers: Boy, someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir. 1278% Burns: Excellent! Excellent, [walking over to a power meter] Perhaps 1278% this energy conservation fad is as dead as the Dodo. 1278%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1279% Receptionist: Doctor Monroe! Your other patients have fled the building! 1279% Monroe: [near-continuous buzzing heard] Stop! Your damaging the equipment! 1279% [pulls the power supply to the Generator] 1279%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1280% Bart: Hey, nice hair Mom. 1280% Marge: Gee, I thought we where making real progress. 1280% Monroe: No! I'm Sorry! You're not! Please, you've just got to go. 1280% Homer: Wait a minute Doc! Your TV commercial said, `Family bliss, our 1280% double our money back.' 1280% Monroe: But that was just a... Alright [to receptionist, hand cover face, 1280% hushed/secretly] Get the money. 1280%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1281% Homer: Wow, five hundred smackers! 1281% Marge: Homer, how wonderful! Our first pleasant surprise. 1281% Lisa: It's no the money, as much as the feeling that we earned it. 1281% Bart: You did it Dad! 1281% Marge: Excuse me dear, shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get 1281% our TV back? 1281% Homer: That piece of junk? Forget it! We're gonna get a new TV. 1281% Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so 1281% we can wheel it into the Dining room on holidays. 1281% B+L: Yay! 1281% Marge: Oh Homer, we love you! [kisses him] 1281%-- ``There's no disgrace like Home'' 1282%Bart: You know, there are names for people like you. 1282%Lisa: No there aren't. 1282%Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt-kisser! 1282%Homer: Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing! 1282%-- ``Bart the General'' 1283%Bart: You sniveling toad! You little egg-sucker! 1283%Lisa: [holding secure her box of cupcakes] Tell me more! 1283%Bart; Back-scratcher! Boot-licker! Honor student! 1283%Lisa: [smirking] You'll never get one now, name-caller. 1283%Bart: All right, all right. Look, I'm sorry. I, I got upset. 1283% In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean. 1283%Lisa: [milking it] You weren't thinking, were you. 1283%Bart: No. 1283%Lisa: I'm a sniveling toad, am I? 1283%Bart: Not really. 1283%Lisa: I'm a little egg-sucker, am I? 1283%Bart: Of course not. 1283%Lisa: Then what am I? 1283%Bart: A beautiful human being. 1283%Lisa: [coyly] What do you like best about me? 1283%Bart: [staring at the cupcakes] Well, I'd have to say... 1283% Your generous nature, your spirit of giving. 1283%Lisa: Well... [thinks] Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you will 1283% get a big surprise. 1283%Bart: [does so] 1283%Lisa: [gets up. The bus stops, and a cupcake falls out of the box. 1283% Lisa picks it up and shoves it into Bart's mouth, then leaves] 1283%Bart: [munching] Thanks, Lis. You're the best! 1283%-- ``Bart the General'' 1284%It was an accident, man. A terrible, ghastly mistake. 1284%-- Bart tries to talk his way out of another jam, ``Bart the General'' 1285%Nelson: [threateningly] I'll get you after school, man. 1285%Bart: But... 1285%Princ. Skinner: Oh no no no, he'll get you after school, son. 1285% Now hurry up, it's time for class. 1285%Bart: But... 1285%Princ. Skinner: [shooing] Scoot, young Simpson! There's learning to be done! 1285%-- ``Bart the General'' 1286%Look, everybody. I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. 1286%I'm not saying that I'm not a hero. 1286%I'm just saying that... I fear for my safety. 1286%-- Bart, ``Bart the General'' 1287%Otto: [at Bart's wake] Good-bye, little dude. 1287% [to Principal Skinner] He looks so lifelike, man! 1287%Pr.S: Yes, the nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face 1287% after the fight. Good-bye, son. I guess you were right. All 1287% that homework a waste of your time. 1287%-- Wake me when it's over, ``Bart the General'' 1288%Thanks, Bart! We got the day off from school for this! 1288%-- Milhouse attends Bart's wake, ``Bart the General'' 1289%Nelson: Put 'em up! [circles his fists] 1289%Bart: [raises his hands in surrender] 1289%-- ``Bart the General'' 1290%Bart: Well, I had a run-in with a... bully. 1290%Marge: [bursts in] A bully!? 1290%Homer: [annoyed] Come on, Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa! 1290%Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this. 1290%Bart: I... guess I could do that. 1290%Homer: What!? And violate the code of the schoolyard!? 1290% I'd rather Bart die! 1290%Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer!? 1290%Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be 1290% a man. Let's see. [enumerates them on his fingers] Don't tattle. 1290% Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, 1290% unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. 1290% What else... 1290%-- Rule number four: Girls have cooties, ``Bart the General'' 1291%Marge: This bully friend of yours. Is he a little on the chunky side? 1291%Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right. 1291%Marge: Mmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either. 1291%Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am. 1291%-- ``Bart the General'' 1292%Homer: You didn't expect that, did you. And neither will he. 1292%Bart: You mean that I should fight dirty, Dad? 1292%Homer: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules 1292% a little in order to hold our own. 1292%Bart: Amen! 1292%Homer: So the next time this bully thinks you're going to throw a punch, 1292% you throw a glob of mud in his eye! 1292% And then you sock him [pounds fist into hand] when he staggers 1292% around blinded! 1292%Bart: [getting into it] Yeah! 1292%Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned. 1292%Bart: Gotcha. 1292%Homer: [quietly] And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels. 1292% That little doozy's been a Simpson trademark for generations. 1292% [punches the punching bag down low] 1292%Bart: [cringes] Thanks, Pop. 1292%-- The rules of the schoolyard, Simpson style, ``Bart the General'' 1293%Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa? 1293%Bart: What can do? 1293%Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive. 1293%Bart: He is? 1293%Lisa: Yeah, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home? 1293%-- ``Bart the General'' 1294%Dear Advertisers, 1294% I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. 1294%We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, 1294%resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment 1294%was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never 1294%want to hear on television again. Number one: Bra. Number two: Horny. 1294%Number three: Family Jewels. 1294%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General'' 1295%Herman: [whispers] What's the password? 1295%Grampa: Let me in, you idiot! 1295%Herman: Right you are. [opens the door] 1295%-- ``Bart the General'' 1296%Bart: Uh, Mr. Herman? 1296%Herman: Yes? 1296%Bart: Did, did you lose your arm in the war? 1296%Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way: Next time your teacher tells 1296% you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it! 1296%Bart: [nervously] Yes, sir. I will. 1296%-- ``Bart the General'' 1297%Herman: How many men do you have? 1297%Bart: None. 1297%Herman: You'll need more. 1297%-- ``Bart the General'' 1298%The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. 1298%The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now know it. 1298%-- Herman, ``Bart the General'' 1299%First, you'll need a declaration of war. That way, everything you do will be 1299%nice and legal. 1299%-- Herman, giving Bart advice on dealing with a local bully, 1299% ``Bart the General'' 1300%Bart: Pssst. Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts. 1300%Grampa: Oh yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. 1300% And this guy's completely out of his mind! We can't fail!! 1300%-- ``Bart the General'' 1301%Bart: Okay, we all know why we're here, right? 1301%Milhouse: No, why? 1301%Bart: To fight Nelson, the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of 1301% us for years, and I for one am sick of it! 1301% I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. 1301% But the one thing I do know... 1301% [all the kids file out] 1301% Whoa! Whoa! 1301% I promise you victory! I promise you good times! 1301% [kids cheer] 1301%-- Give 'em what they want, ``Bart the General'' 1302%Bart: I got a B in arithmetic. 1302%Army: I got a B in arithmetic. 1302%Bart: Would have got an A but I was sick. 1302%Army: Would have got an A but I was sick. 1302%-- ``Bart the General'' 1303%Bart: We are rubber, you are glue. 1303%Army: We are rubber, you are glue. 1303%Bart: It bounces off of us and sticks to you. 1303%Army: It bounces off of us and sticks to you. 1303%Bart: Sound off. 1303%Army: One! Two! 1303%Bart: Sound off! 1303%Army: Three!! Four!! 1303%-- ``Bart the General'' 1304%Bart: What's the matter with you, soldier! 1304%Boy: It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking any more. 1304%Bart: Your nerves! [slaps the kid] I won't have cowards in my army. 1304%Grampa: [whaps Bart] Sorry, Bart. 1304% You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, 1304% you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock, but for 1304% some reason you can't slap them. 1304%-- ``Bart the General'' 1305%Bart: In English class I did the best. 1305%Army: In English class I did the best. 1305%Bart: Because I cheated on the test. 1305%Army: Because I cheated on the test. 1305%Bart: Sound off. 1305%Army: One! Two! 1305%Bart: I can't hear you! 1305%Army: Three!! Four!! 1305%-- ``Bart the General'' 1306%Bart: We are happy, we are merry. 1306%Army: We are happy, we are merry. 1306%Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary. 1306%Army: We got a rhyming dictionary. 1306%Bart: Sound off. 1306%Army: One! Two! 1306%Bart: One more time! 1306%Army: Three! Four! 1306%Bart: Bring it on home now! 1306%Army: One! Two! Three! Four! 1306% One! Two! .... Three-Four! 1306%-- ``Bart the General'' 1307%Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. 1307% You got the water balloons? 1307%Bart: [salutes] Two hundred rounds, sir. [holds a balloon] 1307% Is it okay if they say `Happy Birthday' on the side? 1307%Herman: Urgh. I'd rather they say `Death from Above', but I guess we're stuck. 1307%-- Saturation bombing with a smile, ``Bart the General'' 1308%It's a classic Pincer's Movement. It can't fail against a ten-year-old! 1308%-- Herman lends Bart military advice, ``Bart the General'' 1309%I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never 1309%hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a man's eyes. Thank 1309%heaven for children! 1309%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Bart the General'' 1310%Homer: All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself cl--[oomph] 1310% [Homer is hit by a water balloon] 1310%Grampa: [giggles] Heh heh, got him! 1310%Homer: You! Up in the tree! The tall grey-haired kid! You come down 1310% here right now! 1310%Grampa: [pegs Homer in the face with another balloon] 1310%-- ``Bart the General'' 1311%Goon #1: Don't hurt us! 1311%Goon #2: We surrender! 1311%Goon #1: We were only following orders! 1311%-- A likely story, ``Bart the General'' 1312%Article Four: Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger. 1312%Article Five: Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist. 1312%Article Six: Although Nelson shall have no official power, 1312% he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood. 1312%-- Terms of surrender, ``Bart the General'' 1313%Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. 1313%Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. 1313%There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the 1313%following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, 1313%and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, 1313%there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, 1313%gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man. 1313%-- Bart's disclaimer, ``Bart the General'' 1314%Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm 1314% late for work! [lift Maggie and looks underneath] 1314%Marge: Oh Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to 1314% your neck. 1314%Bart: Did you check the den? 1314%Homer: The den! Great idea! [heads into the den. Bart follows] 1314% [Homer pulls the couch apart] 1314%Bart: Warm. 1314% No, cold. 1314% Colder. 1314% Ice cold. 1314%Homer: You know where my keys are? 1314%Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs] 1314%Homer: Grrrrrrrrrr! 1314%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1315%Marge: I'm sorry everybody, but I've only got two cupcakes for the three 1315% of you. 1315%Bart: Well Mom, one of us has scarfed down more than enough cupcakes 1315% over the past three decades to keep his... 1315%Homer: Bart! 1315%Lisa: Just take mine. A simple cupcake will bring me no pleasure. 1315% [Homer and Bart watch Lisa trudge out of the room] 1315%Homer+Bart: Yeah! [exchange high-fives] 1315%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1316%Largo: [tapping on music stand] Lisa. [taps louder] LISA SIMPSON! 1316% [finally attracting her attention] Lisa, there's no room for 1316% crazy bebop in ``My Country 'Tis of Thee''. 1316%Lisa: But Mr. Largo! That's what my country's all about. 1316%Largo: What?!? 1316%Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of a car. The 1316% idle farmer whose land has been taken away by uncaring 1316% bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal-miner caught... 1316%Largo: Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant 1316% people are going to be at the recital next week. Now class, from 1316% the top. Five, six, seven... 1316%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1317%Lisa: Every day at noon a bell rings, and they herd us in here to 1317% feeding time. So we sit around like cattle, chewing our cud, 1317% dreading the inevitable... 1317%Bart: A-ha! Food fight! 1317%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1318%Lisa: OW! Ooh, ow! Ooh! 1318%PE Teacher: [blows whistle] Lisa! We are playing dodge-ball here. 1318% The object of the game is to avoid the ball, by weaving or ducking 1318% out of its path. 1318%Lisa: In other words, to dodge the ball. 1318%PET: Listen missy, just tell me why you weren't getting out of the way 1318% of those balls. 1318%Lisa: [despairingly] I'm too sad. 1318%PET: Too sad to play dodgeball? That's ridiculous. [to the rest of the 1318% class] Now let's see some enthusiasm. Play Ball! 1318%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1319%Homer: Come on, come on, let's go. 1319%Bart: [as announcer] 1319% In the red trunks, with a record of 48 wins and no losses, the 1319% undisputed champ of the town, Battling Bart Simpson! 1319% [whistles] whoopee, wo wo wo! 1319% And in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 1319% defeats... oh, correction, defeats, all of them by 1319% knock-out. 1319%Homer: Must you do this every time... 1319%Bart: Homer ``the human punching bag'' Simpson! 1319%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1320%Marge: They sent a note from school. 1320%Homer: [to Bart] What did you do this time you little hoodlum? 1320%Bart: I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove 1320% anything! 1320%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1321%Homer: [reading the note] Lisa refuses to play dodgeball because she is 1321% sad. [end of note] She doesn't look sad. I don't see any tears 1321% in her eyes. 1321%Lisa: It's not that kind of sad. I'm sorry Dad, but you wouldn't 1321% understand. 1321%Homer: Oh sure I would, Princess. I have feeling too, you know, like 1321% ``My stomach hurts', or ``I'm going crazy!'' 1321%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1322%Lisa: Sorry Dad, I know you mean well. [kisses him] 1322%Homer: Thanks for knowing I mean well. 1322%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1323%Bart: Gee Homer, it looks like you've got yourself a real problem on 1323% your hands. 1323%Homer: Your right... Uhh... Bart! Vacuum this floor! 1323%Bart: Hey Man! I didn't do anything wrong! 1323%Homer: In times of trouble you've got to go with what you know. Now hop 1323% to it boy! 1323%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1324%Bart: [sarcastically] Enjoy your bath? 1324%Lisa: No, not really. 1324%Bart: Oh, too bad. Well I've certainly had fun vacuuming. Maybe now 1324% I'll get the pleasure of scrubbing your tub. 1324%Lisa: [to Maggie] So typical of Bart. All he thinks about is himself. 1324%Bart: Hey! Don't say stuff like that about me to Maggie. She's on my 1324% side anyway. 1324%Lisa: Is not! 1324%Bart: Is too! 1324%Lisa: Is not. 1324%Bart: Is too! 1324%Lisa: Is not. 1324%Bart: Is too! Watch, I'll prove it. Maggie, come to the one you love 1324% best. 1324%Maggie: [hops off the couch, looks at Bart] 1324%Lisa: No Maggie! Come here girl, come to me. 1324%Bart: [shaking a rattler] Come on Maggie, the choice is obvious. 1324%Lisa: [beckoning her] No Maggie, don't go for the glitter, look for 1324% substance. 1324%Maggie: [looks at them both, uncertain] 1324%Lisa: [giving up] All right Maggie, just go to Bart. 1324%Bart: Egg-zactly, come to the one you love best. 1324%Maggie: [looks at them both, then walks away and embraces the TV set] 1324% -- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1325%Homer: Lisa! What did I tell you about playing that saxamuhthing in the 1325% house? 1325%Lisa: I was just playing the blues... Dad. [sobs] 1325%Homer: Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your 1325% blues if it'll make you happy. 1325%Lisa: No, that's okay, Dad. I'll just work on my fingering, unless my 1325% fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you. 1325%Homer: Let's hear it. [Lisa clacks away] You just clack as loud as you 1325% want, Lis. 1325%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1326%Lisa: That was beautiful. What's it called? 1326%Murphy: Oh, it's a little tune that I call ``The `I Never Had an Italian 1326% Suit' Blues''. 1326%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1327%Homer: [in a dream] What the?!?! [Homer is a video boxing character] 1327%Bart: [his opponent] Put up your dukes, Homer. 1327%Homer: Agggh! Bart! Go easy on me! I'm your Dad! 1327%Bart: I going easy on ya. [pow] Your so old, [pow] and slow, 1327% [pow] and weak, [pow] and pathetic. [Bart winds up for the kill] 1327%Homer: No! Son! No! [the fist impacts] 1327% [wakes up screaming] 1327% Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh! 1327%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1328%You know Marge, getting old is a terrible thing. I think the 1328%saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at 1328%most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four. 1328%-- Homer, ``Moaning Lisa'' 1329%Marge: I don't know... Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs 1329% attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young 1329% woman. 1329%Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing. 1329%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1330%Lisa: [improvises] 1330%Murphy: Now now now, low B flat. 1330%Lisa: [jams down low] 1330%Murphy: Okay, Lisa. Altissimo register. 1330%Lisa: [another wild riff] 1330%Murphy: [applauding] Very nice, very nice. I once ruptured myself 1330% doing that. 1330%-- All you ever wanted to know about sax, ``Moaning Lisa'' 1331%Murphy: My friends call me `Bleeding Gums'. 1331%Lisa: Ewwww, how'd you get a name like that? 1331%Murphy: Well let me put it this way... You ever been to the dentist? 1331%Lisa: Yeah. 1331%Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I've got enough pain 1331% in my life as it is. 1331%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1332%Murphy: Oh, I'm so lonely, 1332% Since my baby left me. 1332% I got no money, 1332% And nothing is free. 1332% Oh, I've been so alone 1332% Since the day I was born. 1332% All I got is this rusty, 1332% This rusty old horn. 1332%Lisa: I got a bratty brother. 1332% He bugs me everyday. 1332% And this morning my own mother, 1332% Gave my last cupcake away. 1332% My Dad acts like he belongs, 1332% He belongs in the zoo. 1332% I'm the sa-a-a-addest kid, 1332% In gra-a-a-de number two. 1332%-- ``Moaning Lisa' 1333%The Blues isn't about feeling better, it's about making other 1333%people feel , and making a few bucks while your at it. 1333%-- Bleeding Gums Murphy, ``Moaning Lisa'' 1334%Marge: Lisa! Get away from that jazz man! 1334%Lisa: But Mom! Can I stay a little longer? Can I Mom, can I? 1334%Marge: Come on, come on. We were worried about you. 1334% [to Bleeding Gums Murphy] 1334% Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar. 1334%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1335%Kent: ... through downtown Springfield today gutting Symphony Hall, the 1335% Springfield Museum of Natural History, the Springfield Arts 1335% Center, and Barney's Bowl-o-rama. 1335%Homer: Waugh! [chokes] Oh no! [walks into kitchen] Marge! Marge, you 1335% all right? 1335%Marge: No, I'm very upset. 1335%Homer: Oh then you've heard. Oh God! What are we going to do? The 1335% lanes were kinda warped, but all the food... 1335%Marge: I'm upset about Lisa. 1335%Homer: [realizing] Oh, me too. 1335%Bart: Me three, whatawe talking about? 1335%Homer: Bart! 1335%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1336%Marge: Do you think you could be nice enough to your sister, Bart? 1336%Bart: Oh yeah, easy. 1336%Marge: You do love her don't you? 1336%Bart: [whining] Oh Mom... 1336%Marge: Well you do, don't you? 1336%Bart: [uncomfortably] Don't make me say it. You know the answer, I 1336% know the answer, he knows the answer, let's just drop it, ok? 1336%Marge: Okay, Bart, you don't have to say it, but you do have to have a 1336% loving attitude. Be nice to your sister. 1336%Bart: [reluctantly] Okey dokey. 1336%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1337%Moe: Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking. 1337%Bart: Is Jock there? 1337%Moe: Who? 1337%Bart: Jock, last name Strap. 1337%Moe: Uh, hold on. [to everyone in the bar] Uh, Jock... Strap... 1337% Hey guys I'm looking for a Jock Strap. [laughs from all] 1337% Oh... wait a minute... Jock Strap... 1337% It's you isn't it ya cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, 1337% I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood. 1337%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1338%Homer: Give me some quarters... I'm doing my laundry. 1338%Clerk: Yeah, right. [gives him the quarters] 1338%Homer: [looks around] Where's the video boxing? 1338%Clerk: Over there in the corner. If I were you I really would use 1338% those quarters for laundry. 1338%Homer: [sotto voce] Wise guy. 1338%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1339%Howie: Ok, who's next? [every one raises their hands, `memememememe'] 1339%Homer: [rising from above the crowd] No, me! No, meeee! Now listen... 1339% can you teach me how to fight like you do? 1339%Howie: No. 1339%Homer: Aw, come on... 1339%Howie: I'll tell you what. I'll do it if you'll bark like a dog. 1339%Homer: Whyyoulittle... Woof woof woof! 1339%Howie: Hah! You've got yourself a deal, Fido. 1339%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1340%Lisa: Ahem. [Marge waits for her to say something, but Lisa turns 1340% away] 1340%Marge: Now Lisa, listen to me, this is important. I want you to smile 1340% today. 1340%Lisa: But I don't feel like smiling. 1340%Marge: Well it doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know? It's what 1340% shows up on the surface that counts. That's what my mother 1340% taught me. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all 1340% the way down, past your knees until your almost walking on them. 1340% And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and 1340% boys will like you, and happiness will follow. 1340%Lisa: [feeble attempt at a smile] 1340%Marge: No, come on. You can do better than that. 1340%Lisa: [a much brighter smile] 1340%Marge: Aww, that's my girl. [rubs Lisa's hair] 1340%Lisa: [through her teeth] I feel more popular already. 1340%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1341%Boy1: Hey, nice smile. 1341%Lisa: Thanks. 1341%Boy2: Hey, what are you talking to her for? She's just going to say 1341% something weird. 1341%Lisa: Not me! 1341%Boy1: You know, I used to think you were some sort of a Brainiac, but, I 1341% guess you're okay, and... 1341%Lisa: Uh-huh. 1341%Boy2: Hey, why don't you come over to my house after practice. You can 1341% do my homework. 1341%Lisa: [forced] Okay. 1342%Miss Simpson, I hope we won't have a repeat of yesterday's 1342%outburst of `Unbridled Creativity'. 1342%-- Mr. Largo, ``Moaning Lisa'' 1343%Bart: I'll gonna knock you out one more time and that's it, this is 1343% getting boring man! 1343%Homer: [smirking] Try not to kill me too hard, son. Heh heh heh. 1343%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1344%Marge: I'd like your attention, please. 1344%Homer: Quiet Marge! This is my big moment! Bart the Bloody Pulp 1344% Simpson is on the ropes. He's hoping I'll put him out of his 1344% misery. Wow, you're in luck Bart! Here comes my right! 1344% [Marge pulls the plug] Oh, no!!!! 1344% My game! My game! I could've beat the boy! Marge, how could 1344% you! I was so close! 1344%Marge: I'm sorry, but this is more important than that silly loud game. 1344%Bart: You're right Mom. I'd just like to use this occasion to announce 1344% my retirement, undefeated from the world of video boxing. 1344% [Homer collapses into a whimper] 1344%-- ``Moaning Lisa'' 1345%Bart: Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives, at least until you've 1345% heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our belov\'ed 1345% town founder. 1345%Barney: How long will this story take? 1345%Bart: Uh... About twenty-three minutes and five seconds. 1345%-- Does that include commercials? ``The Telltale Head'' 1346%Marge: Bart, assume the position. 1346%Bart: [turns and leans against the wall, legs spread] 1346%Marge: [frisks Bart] 1346%-- Leaving for church, ``The Telltale Head'' 1347%Announcer: This could be the most remarkable comeback since Lazarus rose 1347% from the dead! 1347%Homer: Laza-who? 1347%-- Driving to church, ``The Telltale Head'' 1348%Marge: [confiscates Bart's personal stereo] 1348% Were you going to listen to rock music in Sunday School? 1348%Bart: Maybe. 1348%Marge: Can you believe this, Homer? ... Homer? Homer? 1348%Homer: [in the car, bashes his head on the steering wheel in frustration] 1348%Marge: [goes to the car] Homer, were you planning on sitting in the 1348% car until the [football] game is over? 1348%Homer: Maybe. 1348%-- Great minds think alike, ``The Telltale Head'' 1349%Milhouse: Will there be cavemen in heaven? 1349%Sunday School Teacher: Certainly not! 1349%Bart: Uh, ma'am? What if you're a really good person, but 1349% you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets 1349% gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for 1349% you in heaven? 1349%SST: For the last time, Bart, yes! 1349%-- Playing by the rules, ``The Telltale Head'' 1350%Sunday School Teacher: [very tired] The ventriloquist goes to heaven, 1350% but the dummy doesn't. 1350%Bart: [raises his hand] Ooh-ooh-ooh! Me! 1350%SST: Bart? 1350%Bart: What about a robot with a human brain? 1350%SST: [at the breaking point] I don't know! All these questions! 1350% Is a little blind faith too much to ask!?! 1350%-- ``The Telltale Head'' 1351%Marge: Lisa, Bart, what did you two learn in Sunday School today? 1351%Lisa: The answers to deep theological questions. 1351%Bart: Yeah, among other things, apes can't get into heaven. 1351%Homer: What? Those cute little monkeys? That's terrible. 1351% Who told you that? 1351%Bart: Our teacher. 1351%Homer: I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but 1351% what about those really smart ones who live among us? 1351% Who roller-skate and smoke cigars? 1351%-- And work in nuclear power plants, ``The Telltale Head'' 1352%Bart: Cool, man, Space Mutants 4. Let me off! Let me off! 1352%Marge: No way, Jose. 1352%Homer: Marge, they're only space mutants. 1352%Marge: Uh uh. I know what those movies are like. 1352% Killing innocent people, eating human flesh. 1352% You'll just get a lot of bad ideas. 1352%-- ``The Telltale Head'' 1353%Bart: You guys are sneaking in? 1353%Kerny: Yeah, only saps pay to see movies. 1353%Jimbo: Hey, Bart, come on! 1353%Bart: But sneaking into movies is practically stealing, man. 1353%Kerny: Practically? 1353%Jimbo: It stealing. 1353%Bart: Well, okay. I just wanted to make sure we aren't deluding ourselves. 1353%-- An irrefutable argument, ``The Telltale Head'' 1354%Homer: [reading The Bowl Earth Catalog] 1354% Wow, look at these bowling balls, Maggie! 1354% Can you think of a better way for Daddy to spend his 1354% hard-won fifty bucks? 1354% [turns the page] 1354% Gasp! Now I've seen everything. 1354% Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. 1354% The pins don't know what hit 'em. 1354%-- ``The Telltale Head'' 1355%Bart: I was wondering. How important is it to be popular? 1355%Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing 1355% in the world! 1355%Bart: Like, sometimes, you could do stuff that you think is pretty bad, 1355% so other kids will like you better? 1355%Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you? 1355%Bart: No. 1355%Homer: Are you! 1355%Bart: No! 1355%Homer: Then run along, you little scamp! [musses Bart's hair] 1355% A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center. 1355%-- ``The Telltale Head'' 1356%A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center. 1356%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head'' 1357%Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor! 1357% It will sends your pins to... Valhalla? Lisa? 1357%Lisa: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die. 1357%Homer: Ooh, that's some ball! 1357%-- Reading The Bowl Earth Catalog, ``The Telltale Head'' 1358%We have no witnesses, no suspects, no leads. 1358%If anyone has any information, please dial `O' and ask for the police. 1358%That number again: `O'. 1358%-- Chief Wiggum's press conference, ``The Telltale Head'' 1359%Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? 1359%Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza [sic] just a statue? 1359%-- Homer, ``The Telltale Head'' 1360%There is someone out there in Krusty-Land who has committed an atrocity! 1360%If you know who cut off Jebediah's head, I don't care if it's your brother, 1360%your sister, your daddy, or your mommy, turn him in! 1360%[brightly] Krusty will send you a free slide whistle, 1360%just like Sideshow Bob's! 1360%-- ``The Telltale Head'' 1361%[Caption: SPRINGFIELD: A CITY HELD HOSTAGE. DAY ONE (dramatization)] 1361%Jebediah Obadiah Zachariah Jedediah Springfield, he was. 1361%[A cheesy documentary. Jebediah chops wood.] 1361%In 1838, along the way, he met a ferocious bear. 1361%[What is obviously a man in a bear costume appears. 1361% Jebediah discards his axe and wrestles the bear. 1361% The caption `dramatization' reappears.] 1361%And killed him with his bare hands. That's B-A-R-E hands. 1361%[Jebediah wins.] 1361%We've recently uncovered evidence that the bear, in fact, probably 1361%killed . 1361%-- ``The Telltale Head'' 1362%Burns: [overcome with emotion] I love you, Smithers. 1362%Smithers: The feeling is more than mutual, sir. 1362%-- ``The Telltale Head'' 1363%Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles 1363% uh.. Dickens' Christmas Carol. 1363%Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have! 1363%-- Watching the school Christmas pageant, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1364%Maggie is walking by herself. Lisa got straight A's. And Bart... 1364%Well, we love Bart. 1364%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter, 1364% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1365%Marge: [writing] The magic of the season has touched us all. 1365%Homer: Marge, haven't you finished that stupid letter yet? 1365%Marge: [writing] Homer sends his love. 1365%-- Marge writes the family Christmas letter, 1365% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1366%Marge: A tattoo? 1366%Homer: A what? 1366%Bart: Yeah, they're cool, and they last for the rest of your lives. 1366%Marge: You will be getting a tattoo for Christmas. 1366%Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your 1366% own allowance! 1366%-- Reading Bart's Christmas list, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1367%Oh, Bart, that's so sweet. It's the best present a mother could get, 1367%and it makes you look so dangerous. 1367%-- Marge in Bart's dream of getting a tattoo, 1367% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1368%Bart: One `mother' please. 1368%Clerk: Wait a minute. How old are you? 1368%Bart: 21, sir. 1368%Clerk: Get in the chair. 1368%-- Bart gets a tattoo, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1369%Smithers: Attention all personnel. Please keep working during the 1369% following announcement. And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns. 1369%Burns: Hello. I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase 1369% safety here at the plant without cost to the consumer or 1369% affecting management pay raises. However, for you semi-skilled 1369% workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more 1369% thing: Merry Christmas! 1369%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1370%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm] 1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it. 1370%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm] 1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it. 1370%Lisa: [touches Bart's injured arm] 1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it. 1370%Maggie: [touches Bart's injured arm] 1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it. 1370%Homer: Hey, what's with this? [touches Bart's injured arm] 1370%Bart: Ow! Quit it. 1370%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1371%Marge: [in bed, reading the shopping list] 1371% I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me Homer. 1371%Homer: Huh? Oh, I love you Marge. 1371%Marge: Mm, Homer, you tell me that all the time. 1371%Homer: Oh good, because I love you. 1371% I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit 1371% card that won't set off that horrible beeping. 1371%Marge: Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus. 1371% I keep asking for it, but... 1371%Homer: Marge... Oh... Let me be honest with you... 1371%Marge: Yes? 1371%Homer: Well... I... 1371%Marge: [rubs his hand] 1371%Homer: I want to do the Christmas shopping this year! 1371%Marge: [hands over the list she was holding] Well, sure. Okay. 1371% [flicks bed-side light off. Homer's forced grin glows in the dark] 1371%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1372%Homer: [bumps into Ned. Their respective armfuls of gifts fall into the snow] 1372%Ned: Oh ho ho, Simpson, it's you. 1372%Homer: Hello, Flanders. 1372%Ned: Oh my, what a little mess we've got here. Well, which ones are yours 1372% and which ones are mine? 1372%Homer: Well, let's see. 1372%Ned: [picking up gifts] Well, this one's mine, and this one's mine, heh heh, 1372% this one's mine, and... 1372%Homer: They're yours! 1372%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1373%Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall. 1373%Homer: Wow. Can do that? 1373%Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. [belch] 1373%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1374%Manager: Do you like children? 1374%Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?? 1374%-- Homer applies for a job as a department store Santa, 1374% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1375%Bart: Hey Santa, what's shakin', man? 1375%Homer: [as Santa] What's your name, Bart...ner? Uh, little partner? 1375%Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? 1375%-- Homer works as a department store Santa, 1375% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1376%You must really love us to sink so low. 1376%-- Bart admires Homer's working as a department store Santa, 1376% ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1377%Homer: Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute. 1377%Clerk: That's right. $120 gross, less Social Security... 1377%Homer: Yeah. 1377%Clerk: ... less unemployment insurance ... 1377%Homer: But... 1377%Clerk: ... less Santa training... 1377%Homer: Santa training? 1377%Clerk: ... less costume purchase... 1377%Homer: Wait a minute... 1377%Clerk: ... less beard rental... 1377%Homer: But... 1377%Clerk: ... less Christmas Club. 1377%Homer: But... 1377%Clerk: See you next year. [closes the window] 1377%-- Paydirt, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1378%Bart: Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' 1378% Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always 1378% happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened 1378% to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen 1378% to us! 1378%Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim? 1378%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1379%Lisa: What, Aunt Patty? 1379%Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father. 1379%Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has the 1379% same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. 1379% Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will 1379% govern the prospects of my adult relationships. 1379% So I hope you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, 1379% and I am far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts. 1379%Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear. 1379%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1380%Don't worry, Dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens. 1380%-- Bart's been watching too much TV, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1381%It doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me. 1381%-- Bart, ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1382%Bart: Oh, Dad, can we keep him? 1382%Homer: But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's... 1382%SLH: [licks Homer's face] 1382%Homer: ... a Simpson. 1382%-- ``Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire'' 1383%How can you afford something like this, Ned? I mean, I get your mail 1383%once in a while, and you make only $27 a week more than I do. 1383%-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1384%Bart: Does it have its own satellite dish, sir? 1384%Bob: You can tell your son it has its own satellite---the VanStar 1 1384% launched last satellite. 1384%-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1385%Homer: Does it have a deep fryer? 1385%Bob: Four. One for each part of the chicken. 1385%-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1386%Bart: Aye, Carumba! 1386%Lisa; This is better than our house! 1386%-- The Simpsons shop for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1387%Bob: [running a credit check] [presses `Enter'] 1387% [sirens wail and lights flash] 1387%Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved? 1387%Bob: You ever known a siren to be good? 1387%-- The only good siren is a dead siren, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1388%Homer: Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range? 1388% I don't want to go away empty-handed, Bob. 1388%Bob: Take it easy, willya, huh? You'll ruin this feeling I'm getting 1388% from ya... 1388%-- Shopping for an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1389%Simpson, you'll never own a better RV, and I don't mean that in a good way. 1389%I mean, literally, buddy. This is for you, you know. It's this or a wagon. 1389%-- Cowboy Bob sells Homer an RV, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1390%Homer: Everybody ready? 1390%Bart: I hate this. I don't want to go. 1390%Homer: That's the spirit! 1390%-- Going camping, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1391%Ready or not, Nature, here we come! 1391%-- Homer takes the family camping, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1392%Bart: Turkey farm? Skunks? Slaughterhouse? 1392%Lisa: No. No. No. 1392%Marge: What are you kids doing? 1392%Lisa: We're playing ``Name that Odor''. 1392%Bart: Dad's feet? 1392%Homer: Bart! 1392%Lisa: You win, Bart. 1392%Homer: Lisa! 1392%-- Games to play in the car, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1393%Marge: Homer, I'm telling you, this is not the Interstate. 1393%Homer: Pffffft. Maps. 1393%-- Marge the navigator noties something amiss, as the RV drives through the 1393% woods, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1394%Shouldn't we stop somewhere and ask for directions? 1394%-- Marge the navigator, as Homer drives the RV through the woods, 1394% ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1395%Lisa: Mom, I'm scared. 1395%Marge: Don't worry. We all are. 1395%-- Safety in numbers, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1396%Homer: [speaking softly and slowly] 1396% When I give the word, everyone ever-so-slowly open the door 1396% and slide out. On the count of three... One... 1396%SoundFX: (*rustle*) (*rustle*) (*slam*) (*slam*) (*slam*) 1396%Homer: [turns around: Everyone has already left] 1396%-- Taking charge in a crisis, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1397%Lisa: [glumly] The Simpsons have entered the forest. 1397%-- But will the forest survive? ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1398%Homer: Yes sir! This is a real adventure! Why, I bet there are people who 1398% would trade everything they have in the world for an adventure like 1398% this. 1398%Bart: You mean like just did? 1398%-- The Simpsons have entered the forest, sans RV, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1399%Marge: Oh Homer... What are we going to do? 1399%Homer: Now, don't worry. Our situation isn't as bad as it seems. 1399% And you're forgetting---I'm an experienced woodsman! 1399% Now, you all stay here for a mintue while I go over this way to 1399% try to get my bearings. 1399% [walks away fifteen meters] 1399% [sits down] 1399% What am I going to do!? I've murdered us all! 1399%Echo: I've murdered us all! ... murdered us all! 1399%Homer: Shut up! 1399%Echo: Shut up! ... Shut up! 1399%Homer: D'oh! 1399%Echo: D'oh! ... D'oh! 1399%-- Echo Canyon, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1400%Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points towards 1400% the North Star. 1400%Homer: Heh heh, that's nice, Lisa. But we're not in astronomy class. 1400% We're in the woods. 1400%-- ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1401%When you're an experienced woodsman, you get a feel for these things. 1401%It's like a third sense. 1401%-- Homer, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1402%What are we going to do, hang ourselves? 1402%-- Bart watches Homer build a trap out of a young sapling, 1402% ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1403%I'll go into the bushes over there, make a lot of noise, and flush out 1403%a rabbit. When he comes out, you step on him. 1403%-- Homer instructs Bart on his role in catching dinner, 1403% ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1404%Are we there yet? 1404%-- Bart wanders with Homer aimlessly through the woods, 1404% ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1405%Tangy. 1405%-- Homer eats a mouthful of honey---and bees, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1406%Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was 1406%impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language, 1406%and most of all, its indescribable stench. 1406%-- Newscaster reports that Bigfoot (Homer) has been sighted, 1406% ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1407%We now return you to the President's address, already in progress. 1407%-- Newscaster interrupts to report Bigfoot sighting, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1408%No bears. We're taping! All bears off the set! 1408%-- ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1409%Bart: Are we there yet? 1409%Homer: Just a little further. 1409%Bart: Are we there yet? 1409%Homer: Just a little further. 1409%Bart: Are we there yet? 1409%Homer: Just a little further. 1409%Bart: Are we there yet? 1409%Homer: Just a little further. 1409%-- Wandering aimlessly through the forest, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1410%Later, grizzly dudes. 1410%-- Bart bids farewell to a pack of bears, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1411%What the hell are you talking about, sir? 1411%-- Bart, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1412%Avenge me, son. Avenge my death... ZZZZzzzzzz... 1412%-- Homer (Bigfoot) is hit with a tranquilizer dart, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1413%Dr. Marvin Monroe: After extensive biological and anatomical testing, 1413% I regret to announce that our findings are... inconclusive. 1413% This thing may or may not be human. 1413%German scientist: Dat's what he tinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot 1413% himself. 1413%French scientist: Oh, no, I disagree. I think it is a man. 1413% The eyes have a glimmer of human intelligence. 1413%-- On the capture of Bigfoot (Homer), ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1414%Cheer up, Homer. At least they let you go. 1414%-- Marge, after Homer is captured and believed to be Bigfoot, 1414% ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1415%This specimen is either a below-average human being or a brilliant beast. 1415%-- German scientist who examined Homer/Bigfoot, ``Call of the Simpsons'' 1416% Marge: So how was the office birthday party? 1416% Homer: Oh, it was de-lightful! The frosting on the cake was this thick! 1416% [about an inch] And Eugene Fisk, my poor sucker of an assistant, 1416% didn't know the fruit punch was spiked, and he really made an ass of 1416% himself putting the moves on a new girl in valve maintenance. 1416% Ha ha ha.. 1416% Marge: Does this girl like him? 1416% Homer: Phfft,, I have to warn you Marge, I think the poor young thing has the 1416% hots for Yours Truly! 1416% Marge: Homer! 1416% Homer: Just keepin' you on your toes, babe. 1417% Homer: AAGGGHHH! TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY NINE POUNDS!!! Ohh, I'm a blimp. 1417% Why are the good things so tasty? [with conviction] From now on, 1417% exercise every morning! 1418% Marge: You're not a blimp Homer, you're myyy big cuddly teddy-bear! 1419% Homer: [spraying mouthwash everywhere] Oh No! Two hundred and thirty nine 1419% pounds! I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack 1419% treats? Well, from now on, exercise every morning Homer! [does 1419% stretching exercises in front of the bathroom mirror] 1419% Marge: Ooh, don't strain yourself dear. 1419% Homer: Good idea Marge. [stops exercising] 1420% Homer: Oh, by the way,, This Friday night I'm going to be attending a little 1420% get-together with the boys at work. Eugene Fisk is marring some girl 1420% in valve maintenance. 1420% Marge: Ho-mer, is this some kind of _stag_ party? 1420% Homer: Oh No Marge! It's going to be very classy. A team trumpet [?] kind 1420% of thing. 1421% Marge: Mmmhmmm. Eugene Fisk, isn't he your assistant? 1421% Homer: No! My.. Supervisor. 1421% Marge: Didn't he used to be your assistant? 1421% Homer: Hey, what is this! The Spanish Exposition? 1421% Marge: Sorry Homer,, 1422% Bart: Oh-ho! It's the femail ma'am! 1422% Lisa: Femail carrier, Bart. 1423% Bart: The Femail Ma'am: 1424% Lady, where's my Spy camera. 1424% Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera. 1424% Where's my Spy camera, Lady? Every day for the last six months, 1424% Where is my spy camera? ``Where is my spy camera?'' 1424% Where's my spy camera?! ``Where's my spy camera?!'' 1424% WHERE'S MY SPY CAMERA! ``WHERE'S MY SPY CAMERA!'' 1424% HERE'S YOUR STUPID SPY CAMERA!! 1424% [thrusts a parcel at Bart] 1424% Whoa, thanks Ma'am! 1425% Homer: Bart! Waddaya doing! 1425% Bart: Sorry Dad, the answer to that is Top Secret. 1426% Lisa: Ewwww, gross. Momm! Bart was taking a picture of his butt! 1426% [Bart hastily pulls up his pants] 1426% Bart: Oh sure, like I'm really gonna take a picture of my butt. 1427% Marge: Now stop it you two,, and put on some nice clothes. Since it's just 1427% the four of us tonight, we're having dinner at the Rusty Barnacle. 1427% Lisa: Yaay, Fried Shrimp! 1427% Bart: Oh Mom, can't we just get a burger at... 1427% Only four of us? Who escaped? 1427% Marge: Your Father. He's having a boys' night out. 1428% Fisk Snr: ...and just as I was asking myself ``Where on earth did my seven 1428% year old boy get the money for a father's day present?'', I opened the 1428% box, and inside was little Eugene's... Baseball glove. [The rest of the 1428% stag party are bored out of their minds] He had given me the one thing 1428% that had mattered most to him in the whole world. Eugene, when I see you, 1428% the one thing that matters most to me in the whole world, married 1428% tomorrow, I'm going to feel just how you felt that day. [Father and son 1428% hug each other] 1428%(I find myself guilty of being sentimental to the first degree:) 1429% Homer: Where am I? The planet Corn-ball? 1429% Carl: Hey don't worry. Things will pick up once the `entertainment' gets 1429% here,, 1429% Homer: Ooh, Entertainment! [toasts his beer-mug with Lenny] 1430% Waiter: Ahoy! I spy the children's menu! 1430% Bart: Ahoy! This place bites! 1430% Marge: Bart! 1431% Waiter: So what's it going to be my little bucko,, 1431% Bart: A-huh-ha-hmm, let's see... [examines the menu] This evening I shall 1431% go for the... Squid platter... 1431% Lisa: [disgusted] Ewwwww! 1431% Bart: ...with extra tentacles, please. 1432% Waiter: [fried shrimp for Lisa] Here you go,, 1432% [pork chop a la' Hawaiian] There you are,, 1432% [a smaller serving of Fried shrimp] For the Baby,, 1432% [to Bart] And one Squid platter, tentacles. 1432% Bart: Heh heh... Urrggghh... [turns green and drops below the table] 1432% Marge: Bart, quit fooling around and eat your dinner! 1432% Lisa: [taunting] Yeah, eat it Bart. 1432% Bart: May I please be excused for a minute.. 1432% Marge: Well okay, but don't dawdle,, your food will get cold. 1432% Bart: Urgh. [leaves the table] 1433% Fisk Snr: I'll tell you this my boy,, We're in hell. 1434%[End of Act One?] 1435% Martin: The meeting of the future photographers of America is now in session. 1435% We would like to welcome our new member, Bart Simpson. 1435% [other members of the club start clapping] 1435% Bart: People, people! Ah, don't applaud,, Let's get to work. 1436% Martin: My goodness! Quite exciting! 1436% Girl: Extremely sensual,, 1436% Boy wearing glasses: The subtle greytones recall the work of Heilmich Newton,, 1436% Martin: Who's the sexy lady, Bart? 1436% Bart: [hanging up the photo to dry] Beats me, but the guy dancing with her 1436% s'my Pop. 1436% All: Wow! 1436% Boy: [making a closer inspection of the photo] He brings to mind the 1436% [intelligible] of Diane Arbut. 1436% Martin: Bart, I'd really appreciate a print of your masterwork. [the other 1436% kids plead also] 1436% Bart: Sorry guys. No can do. 1437% Milhouse: Come on Bart,, You're gonna make me a print aren't you? 1437% Bart: Will you swear not to let another living soul get a copy of this 1437% photo? 1437% Milhouse: Ok. 1437% Bart: Cross your heart and hope to die? 1437% Milhouse: Yep. 1437% Bart: Stick a needle in your eye? 1437% Milhouse: Yep. 1437% Bart: Jam a dagger in your thigh? 1437% Milhouse: Yep. 1437% Bart: Eat a Horse-manure pie? 1437% Milhouse: [gulps] Yep. 1437% Bart: Well, Okay. 1438% Burns: His name? 1438% Smithers: [holding a copy of the incriminating photo] Homer Simpson sir, a 1438% low-level employee in sector 7G. 1438% Burns: Simpson, eh? A family man? 1438% Smithers: Wife and three kids, sir. 1438% Burns: I would like to see our self-styled Valentino tomorrow morning, 1438% Smithers. 1439% Apu: You look familiar sir,, Are you on the television or something? 1439% Homer: Sorry buddy, you've got me confused with Fred Flintstone. 1440% Man: [waving his thumbs] Hey hey! Looking good! 1440% Homer: What do you want pal? 1440% Kid: Hey Mister! [to the tune of the `Arabian Snake Charmer'] 1440% Do-do Do Do Do, Do-dee Do-dee Do-dee Do. 1440% Homer: Well a Do-dee Do Do to you too, pintsized. 1440% [circling his ear] Eessh, you've got a lot of nutcases in here. 1440% Apu: Oh sir, I've seen things you can't imagine. 1441% Marge: [thrusting a copy of the photograph in his face] 1441% What is the of this! 1441% Homer: Whyarreeuumpht,, Meaningless! Marge,, Don't even attempt to find 1441% meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Chasmire! 1441% Marge: Princess WHO? [Bart appears] 1441% Bart: Hey, my photo! 1441% Homer&Marge: YOUR PHOTO!! 1441% Bart: Oh-ho. 1441% Homer: Why you little.. [he goes to strangle Bart, but Marge reaches Homer's 1441% neck first] 1441% Marge: Why you big.. 1441% Bart! Go to your room! 1441% Bart: I'm outta here,, 1442% Homer: Look, Marge.. Honey.. Baby.. Doll.. 1442% Marge: [turning her back, folding her arms] Homer, I don't even want to look 1442% at you right now. 1442% Homer: What are you saying honey? [Marge points him outside] But where will 1442% I sleep? 1442% Marge: [shaking angrily] My suggestion is you sleep in the filth you created! 1442% Homer: Will a motel be ok? [Marge slams the front door in his face] 1443% Marge: Here,, If you have any soul left, you'll need these.. I know I will. 1444%[End of Act 1] 1445% Moe: Whaddamatta Homer? It's the hottest ladies night in months and you're 1445% not even checking out the action. 1445% Homer: Oh Moe, my wife gave me the ol' heave-ho because of some lousy 1445% picture. 1445% Moe: [pointing to a copy behind him] What, this one? 1445% Homer: D'oh! 1446% Barney: So, where are you staying tonight Homer? 1446% Homer: Motel, I guess. 1446% Barney: Oh No! No pal of mine is going to stay in some dingy flop house! 1447% Barney: If you get hungry in the middle of the night, there's a open beer in 1447% the fridge. 1448% Homer: Look Barney, see the row of tiny lights up there? The middle one is 1448% my house. Someone must of left the porch light on. 1448% Barney: Hey, that's rough pal. [using the phone] Hello, Marge? You left 1448% your damned porch light on! Homer isn't made of money you know! 1448% Marge: [heard through the phone's earpiece] What is this? 1448% Homer: [grabbing the phone] Don't listen to him Marge! He... 1448% Marge: It's you.. Hummph. [hangs up the phone with a slam] 1449% Barney: There's a party down the hall. You know this apartment complex 1449% really caters for up-scale singles like me. [belches] 1449% Homer: No thank you Barney, I just want to crawl into bed. 1450% Lisa: [whispering to Bart] I wonder when Dad's coming home? 1450% [forlorn look from Marge] 1451% Burns: What in blue-blazes do you think you're doing Simpson? 1451% Homer: What do you mean sir? 1451% Burns: [showing Homer the photo] I mean this! [Homer gasps] A plant 1451% employee carrying on like a over-sexed organutan in heat! This is a 1451% family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over 1451% fifty percent of our power is used by _women_. [angrily] I will not 1451% have you offending my customers with your bawdy shangegings! 1451% Homer: [pleading across the table] It's won't happen again sir, I promise! 1451% May I get out of your sight now? 1451% Burns: Just a second Simpson! Smithers, will you leave the room for a 1451% minute? 1451% Smithers: Yes sir. 1452% Burns: [sadly] Simpson, I am by most measures a successful man,, I have 1452% wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. 1452% And yet, I've lead a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to 1452% me. You, seem to have a way with women, [gets up from chair and 1452% stands by the office window, looking outward] a certain, how should I 1452% put it.. Animal magneteasum [sic]. [begging] Help me Simpson, tell me 1452% your secret,, 1452% Homer: Uh, Mister Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy. 1452% Burns: [pleasantly] Simpson, I'm asking you nicely... 1452% Homer: I don't really know, sir. 1452% Burns: SIMPSON! 1452% Homer: Well oh, wait a minute... Dine them, [Monty listens eagerly] Bring 1452% them flowers.. Write them love poetry.. sir. 1452% Burns: Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this Simpson,, 1452% [angrily] Now return to your work! ...and tell no one of what 1452% transpired here. 1453% Homer: [poking his head around the door] Anybody home? 1453% Lisa: [quietly] Hi daddy. [Bart, Lisa and Maggie embrace him] 1453% Bart: Welcome back, Dad. 1453% Homer: How's your mom? 1453% Lisa: Still kinda ticked off. 1453% Bart: Yeah, Good luck man. 1454% Homer: Hello Marge? It's me, Homer. Are you still mad? [sees Marge's face] 1454% You are still mad. Don't need to say it, I'm your loving husband, I 1454% can read you like a book. [goes to the fridge] I'll just have some 1454% milk. [using a glass] Look! I'm not drinking out of the carton! 1454% [he breaks down] Come on Marge! Please forgive me! [gets down on his 1454% knees] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry,, 1454% Marge: [with contempt] Homer, you don't even know why you're apologizing. 1454% Homer: Yes I do,, because I'm hungry, my clothes are smelly, and I'm tired. 1455% Marge: I've been thinking Homer, and you know what bothers me most about this 1455% whole thing? You taught Bart a very bad lesson. Your boy idolizes 1455% you. 1455% Homer: Oh, he does not. 1455% Marge: Yes he does Homer, and when he sees you treating women as objects, 1455% he's going to think that it's okay. You owe your son better than 1455% that, Homer. 1455% Homer: So, what should I do? Marge? 1455% Marge: Well.. I think you should take Bart to meet this exotic belly-person. 1455% I want him to see that she's a real human being with real thoughts and 1455% real feelings. I want Bart to see you apologize for the way you 1455% treated her. 1455% Homer: [gladdened] Ok, your wish is my command my litt.. 1455% Marge: DO IT! 1456% Usher: Princess Chasmire? You must mean April Flowers,, She's working over 1456% at the Girlesque. 1457% Homer: ...you see, I'm trying to teach my son here [looks to Bart] about 1457% treating women as objects. 1457% Attendant: That's a good idea,, but April's over at Foxy Boxing tonight. 1458% Fat guy: Just let me say.. It is an to have Springfield's number one 1458% swinger here with us.. 1458% Homer: Skip that! I'm teaching my boy a lesson,, Is she here or not? 1459% Homer: Hey Princess! It's me! The guy from the snap shot! 1459% PC: [not very enthusiastically] Oh, hi. 1459% Homer: Look,, I'm hear because I want to apologize for treating you like an 1459% object. (PC: ``Uh-huh'') I also want my boy to find out that you're 1459% more than just a belly. I want to meet the woman behind all the 1459% spangles and glitter, and find out that she has thought and feelings 1459% too. 1459% PC: Uh, ho, Okay, but can we make it quick? 1459% Bart: Nice to meet you ma'am. [waves] 1459% Homer: Could you tell him a little about yourself? 1459% Shauna: Well, um, my real name is Shauna Tifton, [the cage that Homer and she 1459% are in starts ascending] My pet peeve is rude people,, and my 1459% turn-ons include silk sheets and a warm fireplace.. 1459% Homer: Thank you very much ma'am, we'll be on our.. Arrrrrgh! 1460% Burns: How does he do it, Smithers? 1460% Smithers: He's a love machine, sir. 1461% Homer: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the music! Quiet please! 1461% I have something to say,, Quiet! 1462% Marge: Oh no, he's sunk even lower,, 1463% Homer: I have something to say to all the sons out there,, to all the boys, 1463% to all the men, to all of us. It's about women, and how they are not 1463% mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No,, they are our wives, 1463% they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our 1463% nieces and nephews,, well, not our nephews. They are our mothers, and 1463% you know something folks... As ridiculous as this sounds, I would 1463% rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my 1463% neck as I sleep, than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's 1463% G-string. Am I wrong,, or am I right? 1464% Bart: Alright folks, the show's over! No more to see, folks, come on. 1464% Only sick people want to see my folks kiss! 1465% Lisa: This is going to be the best birthday breakfast Mom's ever had! 1465% Bart: [looking to a stack of 42 pancakes] Hey Lis, you think that's enough 1465% for her? 1465% Lisa: Maybe one more. 1466% Lisa: I hope she likes the presents we got her. 1466% Bart: [picks up a large jug with the label "French Perfume" (in English)] 1466% Well I know she'll like mine. Who wouldn't like a bottle of real 1466% French perfume? -- all the way from gay Pari! Four bucks, plus tax. 1466% Lisa: Well I think she's gonna like my hand-made birthday card better. 1466% Bart: [unimpressed] Whoa, big deal,, Dry macaroni, spray-painted glue... 1466% whoopee. 1467% Bart: First I get to lick the beaters! [Lisa hands him the electric mixer] 1467% Whago, agh agh aghh! Wisea! Mugh humgb ipht im dapt beiter, 1467% Mugh Humgb! 1468% Bart+Lisa: HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY! 1468% Homer: [alarmed] Aaggh! Whaa.. Waght! 1468% Lisa: Here's your birthday breakfast! 1468% Marge: [delighted] Oh! Kids, that's nice! 1469% Homer: My birthday? 1469% Lisa: No! 1469% Homer: It's my birthday! What did I get? I birthdays! 1469% Marge: [angrily] No Homer, it's mine! 1469% Bart: You don't even know your own wife's birthday? 1469% Homer: Wooha... Of course I know. Sure,, [nudges Marge with his elbow] 1469% You really thought I'd forgot, didn't you? [steps out of bed] 1469% Bart: Oh right.. What did you get her Dad? 1469% Lisa: Yeah, waddidya get? 1469% Homer: [getting dressed] A very... thoughtful gift,, but it's a surprise! 1469% [stretches] You know it's such a beautiful morning, I think I'll 1469% take a little stroll around the block. 1470% Lisa: I think he forgot Mom. 1470% Marge: [indignantly] Hmmmmm... 1471% Homer: Oh no,, Come on come on, open up! 1471% Security Guard: Good morning consumers, the Springfield Mall is now open for 1471% your spending needs. 1472% Marge: Patty, he's out buying me something right now. 1472% Patty: Oh Marge, he never gets you anything you want. He always gets 1472% something for himself. 1472% Selma: [mumbles] The tackle box,, 1472% Patty: Remember when he got you the tackle box? 1472% Selma: [mumbles] ...and the Chung calendar. 1472% Patty: And when he `surprised' you with the Connie Chung calendar? 1472% Marge: I'm sure he doesn't do it deliberately. 1473% Marge: Well Homer and I had a lovely dining experience at Chez Perrie,, or 1473% the Rusty Barnacle is nice. 1473% Patty: No no no... We want to take you someplace fun! The Singing Sirloin! 1473% Marge: [gloomy] The place where the waiters sing. 1474% Marge: Homer, we're having dinner tonight at `The Singing Sirloin'. 1474% Homer: Ah, sounds delightful. Just you and me, and the Matre'd. 1474% Marge: And the kids. 1474% Homer: Fair enough. 1474% Marge: And my sisters. 1474% Homer: D'oh! 1475% Marge: Ohh,, Perfume! [opens the bottle and sniffs] 1475% Whoeew! [courteously] Hmm, thank you Bart. 1475% Bart: You're welcome Mom! 1476% Patty: Thirty-four years old... 1476% Selma: Time enough to start over with a new man. 1476% Patty: Someone how eats with his mouth shut. 1476% Homer: [wearing a bib, talking with his mouth full] What's that Patty? 1476% Patty: Nothing, just finish your steak. [to Selma] Look at him woof down 1476% that gristle. 1476% Selma: Ah-hmm,, It's an accident waiting to happen. 1476% Patty: You know the Hiemlich manoeuvre? 1476% Selma: No. 1476% Patty: Good. 1477% Lisa: I think she likes my peanut butter. 1477% Bart: Does not! 1477% Lisa: Does to! 1477% Bart: Does not! 1477% Lisa: Does to! 1477% Then how come she's not putting on any of your perfume? 1477% Bart: [worried] Yeah,, Hey Mom, how come you're not putting on any of my 1477% perfume? 1477% Marge: [diplomatically] Well I'm saving it,, for a special occasion. 1477% Bart: What the hell are you talking about? There's gallons of it! 1477% [Homer barks] 1477% Marge: But this occasion is already so special, if we make it any more 1477% special, we might end up making it less special. 1477% Bart: Gotcha! [to Lisa] I told you she liked mine better. 1477% Lisa: Oh brother. 1478% Homer: Hold on, hold on. Your mother hasn't opened present yet. 1479% Homer: Don't worry, this frosting will come right off. [looking to the 1479% bowling ball] Beauty, isn't she? 1479% Marge: Well it's hard for me to judge, SINCE I'VE NEVER BOWLED IN MY LIFE! 1479% Homer: Well if you don't want it, I know someone how does... 1480% Homer: You always say we should talk, I'm talking right now as a matter of 1480% fact. But I'm going to stop in a second, so please, say something 1480% back Marge, please? I'm going to stop talking... now. 1480% Marge: You bought that bowling ball for you, not for me. 1480% Homer: What!?! No! 1480% Marge: The holes where drilled for your fingers 1480% Homer: But I wanted to surprise you,, [derisively] I couldn't very well 1480% chop your hand off and bring it the store, could I? 1480% Marge: You never intended for me to use that ball. 1480% Homer: Well, if that's how you feel I'll take it back. 1480% Marge: You can't take it back, you had your name engraved on it! 1480% Homer: So you would know it was from me! 1480% Marge: Homer, keeping the ball... FOR MYSELF! 1480% Homer: Marge! but you don't know how to bowl,, Oops. 1480% Marge: I'm keeping it and I'm going to use it. Thank you for the present, 1480% Homer. 1480% Homer: [smitten] Well.. you're welcome. 1481% Marge: Excuse me, where do I throw this? 1481% Attendant: Over there. 1481% Marge: Thank you. 1481% Attendant: Hey -- wait a minute! You're going need a lane! 1481% Marge: No thanks, I'm just here out of spite 1481% Attendant: [pointing to sign] Can't bowl without a lane. 1481% Marge: Well, allright. 1481% Attendant: [hands her a scoresheet] Here you go,, you keep score on this. 1481% What sized shoes you wear? 1481% Marge: Never you mind! 1481% Attendant: [pointing to another sign] Can't wear street shows on the lane, 1481% you gotta wear bowling shoes. What size please? 1481% Marge: [grudgingly] Hmmm,, Thirteen double A. 1481% Attendant: Thirteen double A!!! [whistles in amazement] The closest I've 1481% got is a nine and a fifteen. 1482% Jacque: So one hundred and twenty pins later, I am the better man. 1483% Marge: I don't see what I'm doing that is so much different from what he's 1483% doing... 1484% Marge: I'm awfully sorry! 1484% Bowler: Entirely my fault. It's nice to meet you,, [looks at the bowling 1484% ball then hands it to her] Homer. 1484% Marge: No no,, Homer is my... Ball's name. I'm Marge. 1485% Bowler: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered 1485% for the ball you are using, [a projector shows him caressing her 1485% hand] you need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball. 1485% Marge: No, no thank you mister... [looks at his bowling ball] Brunswick. 1485% Bowler: Call me Jacque. 1485% Marge: Jacque. 1485% Jacque: Marge. 1485% Marge: I'll just use my ball. 1485% Jacque: As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy clumsy 1485% things such as this Homer of yours. 1486% Jacque: May I ask you a bold question? [leans forward over Marge] 1486% Marge: Sure. 1486% Jacque: You've never bowled before. 1486% Marge: Never. 1486% Jacque: No. 1486% Marge: No. 1486% Jacque: Then I will teach you. 1486% Marge: Oh, I don't want to trouble you. 1486% Jacque: Not at all, I am a professional. Throw the ball for me Marge, let 1486% me see your form. 1486% Marge: Well, allright,, but I'm not very good. 1487% Marge: I can hit that one pin allright, but the rest of them don't even 1487% wobble. 1488% Jacque: Now throw! (Marge: ``But..'') Throw damn you! 1489% Marge: You're a very good teacher! 1489% Jacque: Yes I am a very good teacher and I can teach you everything. I can 1489% tell you what the little arrows on the wood floor mean. Which frame 1489% is the beer(?) frame. I bet you don't know how to make a 5-7-10 1489% split do you Marge? [Marge: `'Noo''] But first of all you yell 1489% ``The eight pin is a cop!'' [Marge cracks up] Let it all out 1489% Marge,, Let it out Marge. Laugh out loud, you'll lose me. [Marge 1489% recovers] 1489% Marge: You're very funny. 1490% Marge: I didn't realize there was so much to this game,, What do you 1490% charge for lessons? 1490% Jacque: Twenty-five dollars. 1490% Marge: [shocked] Twenty five dollars! 1490% Jacque: [leaning forward] For forty dollars' value. 1490% Marge: Well... allright. When do we start? 1490% Jacque: [takes her hand] We have already begun. 1491% Homer: Now this is living, hey kids? Hot Pizza, the food of kings! 1491% Lisa: Don't be scared Dad, it's not so hard to take care of us. 1491% Homer: Heh heh, Lisa, I'm not scared, I think it's a great way to spend some 1491% time with you kids. [change to Homer's perspective] Your mother 1491% always gets to be alone with you, and now it's my turn. [everyone, 1491% sans Maggie, silently eat their pizza. Homer voce] Does the time 1491% always drag like this? 1492% Jacque: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the 1492% slippery finish. Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it? 1492% Marge: Oh, very smooth. 1492% Jacque: smooth? 1492% Marge: yes, very. 1492% Jacque: yes? 1492% Marge: yes. 1492% Jacque: yes. 1492% Marge: smooth. 1492% Jacque: smooth, 1492% Marge: yes, 1492% Jacque: yes. You could eat off of it. 1492% Marge: Hmmmm... 1492% Jacque: You hungry? 1492% Marge: Yes. 1492% Jacque: [yelling] Four Onion rings! 1493% Lisa: [finishing her pizza] Hummm! Deliciouso! 1493% Bart: My compliments to the delivery boy. 1493% Homer: Ok, we've eaten and eaten well. Now what else do we have to do? 1493% Well, let's check the list your Mom left us... Eat,, huhmmm. 1493% [ticks with a pencil] Oh, clean up! Now don't worry everybody, this 1493% will be a breeze if we all pitch in. [they form a human chain to the 1493% bin] Allright! We're clean! Now we'll... [looks to Maggie] 1493% Put Maggie to bed. 1494% Homer,Bart,Lisa: 1494% Lullaby, and goodnight, 1494% come to bed and sleep tight. 1494% Close your eyes, start to yawn. 1494% Pleasant dreams until the dawn. 1495% Marge: Homer,, Homer? 1495% Homer: Huh? Wah? Oh,, How was bowling? 1495% Marge: It's a very challenging hobby. 1495% Homer: Heh heh,, It's a sport dear. It's a sport you silly thing. 1495% Marge: But I think I'll do much better tomorrow night. 1495% Homer: [shocked/surprised] Oh! You're going back? 1495% Marge: Oh sure, if you don't mind taking care of the kids again. 1495% Homer: [confused] Oh, no,, I don't mind. 1496% Marge: Jacque! It fits, you got it in my size and it has my name on it. 1496% It's really for me! 1496% Jacque: [thrusts himself upon her] Seventeen fifty, enjoy it my darling. 1497% Marge: You didn't have to drop me off. 1497% Jacque: But I wanted to. [grasps her hand] Marge, do you know how beautiful 1497% you look in the moonlight? 1497% Marge: Errrr, Jacque! I'm a married woman! 1497% Jacque: I know, I know. My mind says stop, but my heart, and my hips, cry 1497% for sin. [Marge reacts accordingly] Marge darling, I - I want to 1497% see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowlorama,, away from the 1497% thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for Brunch. 1497% Marge: What's Brunch? 1497% Jacque: You'd love it,, It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but 1497% it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end. You don't get 1497% completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal! 1497% Marge: I don't think so. 1497% Jacque: Marge, darling. There are ten pins in my heart,, you've knocked 1497% over eight. Won't you please pick up that spare? 1497% Marge: [hesitantly] Mmmm, mmmmm... All right! 1498% Bart: O-ho! School bus! 1498% Marge: [holding two grocery bags full of goodies] Here you go kids,, 1498% Special lunches! Lots of good things for growing bodies, [Bart and 1498% Lisa look to each other bewildered] and some treats just for fun. 1498% Bart: Aye Carumba! 1498% Lisa: Are you going bowling again tonight Mom? 1498% Marge: Yes I am, as a matter of fact. [tops up their lunches, to Bart's 1498% delight, but Lisa is worried] Here's more treats. But don't worry, 1498% your Dad will take care of dinner. 1498% Bart: [delighted] Hmmm, Wednesday. Hoagie night! 1498% Marge: [kisses Lisa] Goodbye Lisa, my darling little Lisa. 1498% [kisses Bart] Goodbye Bart, my special little guy. 1498% Bart: Hmm,, Great lunches, hey Lis? 1498% Lisa: Oh Bart, don't you see? This is what psychologists call Over- 1498% compensation,, Mom is racked with guilt because their marriage is 1498% failing. 1498% Bart: Hey, don't rock the boat Man. Whatever it is, we're making out like 1498% bandits. 1498% Lisa: Bart, I've read about what happens to kids who's parents no longer 1498% love and cherish each other. They go through eight separate stages. 1498% Right now I'm in stage three, Fear. You're in stage two, Denial. 1498% Bart: [whines] No I'm not. 1498% Lisa: Yes you are. 1498% Bart: [angrily] No I'm not! 1498% Lisa: Yes you are! 1498% Bart: Am not! Am not! Am not! 1498% Lisa: I stand corrected,, 1499% Jacque: Mia mosa? 1499% Marge: I'm a married woman, please don't call me that. 1499% Jacque: [laughs] Nononono. Mia Mosa is the name of the drink. It's orange 1499% juice and champagne. [laughs] You're so wonderful that you thought 1499% it was something offensive. 1499% Marge: [accepting the compliment] Oooo, well thank you. 1500% Helen: [at 78rpm] I had just finished eating and was about to leave, when I 1500% looked over this way and said to myself, Huh! Isn't that Marge 1500% Simpson over there, having brunch with a man who isn't her husband? 1500% [Jacque is annoyed, Marge forces a smile]. Ha ha,, and I just had to 1500% come over and say Hello! 1500% Marge: We're.. um.. 1500% Helen: Oh, don't squirm on my account. 1500% Jacque: I am giving her a bowling lesson, thank you. Now Marge, [grabs the 1500% salt shakers] The pins on the 3-7-10 split would be here. We'll 1500% make this little piece of food here the ball, the ball's bigger, you 1500% know that. [Helen suspects something] but for food, this is a good 1500% ball. 1500% Helen: Ahem, well, byebye. [to Marge] See you in church on Sunday, Marge. 1500% Marge: [cheerlessly] Good-bye Helen. 1500% Jacque: Goodbye Helen. You have a lovely friend there,, [Marge "Hmmm's" 1500% unhappily] Let's hope something runs over her. [Marge sniggers] 1500% Your laughter is like music to me,, but if you laugh at what I say 1500% next, I will die. For I am about to say something very serious, 1500% perhaps shocking. Marge my darling, I want you to meet with me, 1500% again. 1500% Marge: That doesn't shock me. 1500% Jacque: [reaches across the table] Away from prying eyes, away from the 1500% Helen's of the world. At my apartment,, the Fiesta Terrace. 1501% Marge: You certainly have a lot of bowling trophies. 1501% Jacque: Ha ha, [whispered] I like you so much. They're not for bowling 1501% Marge. You're so naive,, They're for lovemaking! 1501% Marge: Really? 1502% Jacque: What cosmic force brought us together Marge? 1502% Marge: Destiny! 1502% Jacque: Yes. Some divine pin-spotter, must have placed us, side-by-side. 1502% Marge: Like two fragile bowling pins. 1502% Jacque: Standing bravely. 1502% Marge: Until inevitably,, 1502% Jacque: We must topple. 1503% Jacque: Marge! Marge! Speak to me! 1503% Marge: Is Thursday ok? 1503% Jacque: It's ok indeed. 1504% Bart: Hey Dad! Whatawe say we toss the old apple around, huh? Sound like 1504% fun? 1504% Homer: Son, I don't know if I can lift my head, let alone a ball. 1504% Bart: Come on Dad, get the lead out. 1505% Bart: [practicing his baseball] Simpson checks the runner on first, he's 1505% cool(?) on sign. Here's the windup, and Heerree's the pitch,, 1505% [which beans Homer on the head. Homer slumps to the ground. Bart 1505% runs up to him] Dad, you didn't even say `Ouch!' 1505% Homer: Oh... Sorry... Ouch. 1506% Bart: Lisa, Lisa,, I think you're right about Dad. There's something very 1506% very wrong here. 1506% Lisa: Bart, welcome to stage three,, Fear. 1506% Bart: [urgently] Well come on! We've got to do something man! 1506% Lisa: Sorry Bart, I would love to help you but I am mired in stage five, 1506% Self-pity. 1507% Bart: Look Dad, I don't know what's going on, but once you gave me some 1507% advice that might help. 1507% Homer: I gave you advice? Get outta here. 1507% Bart: Yeah, you did. You told me when something's bothering you, and 1507% you're too damn stupid to know what to do, just keep your fool mouth 1507% shut. At least that way you won't make things worse. 1507% Homer: Hmmm, good advice. 1508% Homer: Marge, may I.. speak to you? 1508% Marge: Sure. 1508% Homer: You know, I've been thinking. Everyone makes peanut butter and jelly 1508% sandwiches, but usually the jelly drips out over the sides and the 1508% guy's hands get all sticky. But your jelly stays right in the middle 1508% where it's supposed to. I don't know how you do it. You've just got 1508% a gift I guess, and I've always thought so,, I've just never 1508% mentioned it. But it's time you knew how I feel. I don't believe in 1508% keeping feelings bottled up. [pause] Goodbye my wife. 1508% Marge: ...Goodbye Homer. 1509% Jacque: To the most beautiful moment in life,, Better than a deed, better 1509% than a memory, the moment... of anticipation! 1510% Jacque: Oh Jacque, you handsome devil. Look at you,, You're really going 1510% to STRIKE OUT TONIGHT! 1511% Lenny: Ain't you hungry Homer? 1511% Homer: Starving. 1511% Lenny: Then why aren't you eating your sandwich? 1511% Homer: How can I eat it? She made it,, It's all I have left. 1512%[Taps him on the shoulder] 1512% Homer: Marge! What a lovely surprise! You're hear to see me, right? 1512% Marge: Of course! [cuddles and kisses him on the cheek] 1513% Worker: Hey, what will I tell the boss? 1513% Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I 1513% love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! 1514%Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love? 1514%Kids: Krusty! 1514%Krusty: How much do you love me? 1514% [Bart and Lisa watch the show at home] 1514%Bart+Lisa+Kids: With all our heart! 1514%Krusty: What would do if I went off the air? 1514%Bart+Lisa+Kids: We'd kill ourselves! 1514%-- Making life worth living, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1515%Krusty: Don't blame me... 1515%Krusty+Kids: didn't do it! 1515%-- Words to live by, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1516%Comedy, thy name is Krusty. 1516%-- Bart, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1517%Bart+Lisa: [laugh at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon] 1517%Marge: My, all this senseless violence. I don't understand the appeal. 1517%Bart: We don't expected you to, Mom. 1517%Lisa: If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time. 1517%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1518%If cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time. 1518%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted' 1519%Oooooh, eight carousels! We're in for a real treat! 1519%-- Marge welcomes her sisters, laden with slides of their latest trip, 1519% ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1520%Hello, steady customer! How are you this evening, sir? 1520%-- Apu welcomes Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1521%Mmm... Chocolate... 1521%Ooooh, double chocolate... 1521%Gasp! New flavor! Triple chocolate! 1521%-- Homer buys ice cream, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1522%What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you so unhappy when you are 1522%purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream. 1522%-- Apu to Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1523%Krusty: [holding a gun] Hand over all your money in a paper bag. 1523%Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. 1523% I do work in a convenience store, you know. 1523%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1524%You can emerge now from my chips. 1524%The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone. 1524%-- Apu to a (cowardly) Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1525%Patty: This is a Mexican delicacy called a `taco platter'. 1525%Selma: Mmm, delicious. 1525%-- Narrating a slide show of their trip to the Yucatan, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1526%Krusty: Hey, what's going on, here? 1526%Wiggum: Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. 1526% You have the right to remain silent. 1526% Anything you say, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. 1526%-- You know the rest, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1527%Send in the clowns! 1527%-- Chief Wiggum prepares for a police line-up, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1528%And this is all the mail that awaited us upon our return. 1528%[click, next slide] 1528%And this is Selma dropping off our vacation film to be developed. 1528%Thus concludes our Mexican Odyssey. 1528%-- Patty shows vacation slides, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1529%Why did the clown cross the road? 1529%To rob a Kwik-E-Mart. 1529%A new story behind that enigmatic half-joke after this commercial message. 1529%-- Scott Christian anchors the newscast, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1530%Homer: Bart, you know that guy on your lunchbox? 1530%Bart: Oh, you mean Krusty the Clown? 1530%Homer: He's sort of a hero of yours, isn't he? 1530%Bart: Are you kidding? He's my idol! 1530% I've based my life on Krusty's teaching. 1530%-- Krusticism? ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1531%Earlier this evening, the Springfield SWAT team apprehended 1531%the TV clown, who appears on a rival station, opposite our 1531%own Emmy award winning Hobo Hate. 1531%-- Scott Christian's news flash, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1532%Earth-to-Marge. Earth-to-Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y. 1532%-- Homer, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1533%Good evening again, Springfield. Krusty the Klown, the beloved idol of 1533%countless tots, now nothing more than a common (alleged) criminal. 1533%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1534%His trial, which begins tomorrow, has taken center ring in a national media 1534%circus, as children of all ages, from 8 to 80, hang onto each new 1534%development like so many Rumanian trapeze artists. 1534%-- Kent Brockman reports... ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1535%Krusty: Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids? 1535% Well, we've got another one coming right up. 1535% But first! I've got a hankerin' for some pork products! 1535% [Sideshow Bob wheels in a barebecue grill] 1535% Mmmm.... Look! Plump, succulent sausage. Honey-smoked bacon. 1535% And glistening, sizzling.... Aaaagh! D'oh! 1535% [Krusty clutches his chest and contorts his face] 1535%Kids: Ah-hah-hah-hah-hah! 1535%Krusty: [collapses, his hand slowly descending out of frame] 1535% Heart...attack... Gagh! I'm... dying... I'm dying... 1535%Kent: [watching on a monitor] Heh heh heh. 1535%-- Krusty's near-fatal heart attack in 1986, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1536%Bart: Look at him. His clothes are so drab. 1536%Lisa: His face is so flesh-colored and sad. 1536%Bart: And his feet. They're so small. 1536% [grabs Krusty] Say it ain't so, Krusty! 1536%Atty: Uh, my client has no comment at this time. 1536%Krusty; [meekly] I didn't do it! 1536% [all laugh as Krusty is dragged away on his heels] 1536%-- Once a clown, always a clown. ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1537%Judge: Krusty the Clown, how do you plead? 1537%Krusty: [brightly] I plead guilty, your honor. 1537% [huge gasp from the crowd, Krusty looks around surprised] 1537%Atty: [whispers into Krusty's ear] 1537%Krusty: Oh, heh heh heh, not guilty, heh heh heh. 1537% Opening-night jitters, your honor. 1537%-- Just picture them in their underwear, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1538%Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of 1538%heavily-salted snack treats? 1538%-- Prosecutor at Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1539%These toys are just adorable. Who would have guessed they were inspired 1539%by an insane criminal genius. 1539%-- Marge throws out Krusty-related toys, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1540%Bart: Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality! 1540%Homer: No I'm not, I'm hopping on the bandwagon! 1540% Now come on, son, get with the winning team! 1540%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1541%Good people, I'm so happy you're all here tonight. But please, just a few 1541%words of caution. Now, we are going to set this pile of evil ablaze, but 1541%because these are children's toys, the fire will spread quickly, so please 1541%stand back and try not to inhale the toxic fumes. 1541%-- Reverend Lovejoy coordinates a Krusty-burning, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1542%Prosecutor: Betting slips, indicating that you've lost substantial sums 1542% of money on sports gambling. 1542%Krusty: [dramatically] Is it a crime to bet on sporting events? 1542%Prosecutor: Yes, it is! 1542%Krusty: [meekly] Oh. 1542%-- Krusty's trial, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1543%Foreperson: We find the defendant, Krusty the Clown... Guilty. 1543%Crowd: [gasp!] 1543%Defense Attorney: Ugh! [bangs the table] I knew it! 1543% This happens to me every time! 1543%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1544%Bart: I bet I can prove Krusty's innocent, but... [meekly] I need your help. 1544%Lisa: [genuinely not knowing] You do? Why? 1544%Bart: Oh, come on, Lis, you know why. 1544%Lisa: No! Why? 1544%Bart: I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... 1544% [deep breath] You're smarter than me. 1544%Lisa: [adorable smile] 1544%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1545%[hiding behind the counter] 1545%Okay, don't try anything funny. I'm armed to the teeth. 1545%-- Apu, once bitten twice shy, ``Krusty the Clown'' 1546%Hey, hey, this is not a lending library! 1546%If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off! 1546%-- Apu, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1547%Come on, Bart, go with the flow! 1547%-- Lisa, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1548%Sideshow Bob: So what's on your mind, Bart? Is it that other children 1548% don't accept you? 1548%Bart: Sure, Sideshow Bob, but that doesn't bother me. 1548%-- Armchair psychiatry, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1549%The fact is, you don't have to be able to read to enjoy the Springfield 1549%Review of Books. Just look at these amusing caricatures of Gore Vidal 1549%and Susan Sonntag. 1549%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1550%There was a school of thought called stoicism... 1550%-- Sideshow Bob hosts his Cavalcade of Whimsy, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1551%Bart: Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store! 1551% Sideshow Bob framed him, and I got proof! 1551% [whams Sideshow Bob's foot with a mallet] 1551%Sideshow Bob: [hopping and grabbing his foot] 1551% Ow! You lousy, stupid clumsy... 1551%Kids: Gasp! 1551%Bart: See that? Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet, 1551% like all good-hearted people. [whams Sideshow Bob's other foot] 1551%Sideshow Bob: [on the floor, grabbing his feet] 1551%Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled those shoes with these ugly feet! 1551% [removes Sideshow Bob's shoe, revealing his big, ugly feet] 1551%The Cop: [watching the show, eating donuts] Kid's right. 1551%The Other Cop: [doing the same] How do you suppose we missed that? 1551%-- ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1552%And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for these meddling kids. 1552%-- Sideshow Bob, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1553%Treat kids like equals! They're people too! They're smarter than you think! 1553%They were smart enough to catch me! 1553%-- Sideshow Bob is carted away to jail, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1554%I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in 1554%prison are exaggerated. 1554%-- Homer to Krusty, ``Krusty Gets Busted'' 1555%Mrs. Skinner: This is the Bart Simpson you're always talking about? 1555%Pr. Skinner: Mm hm. 1555%Mrs. Skinner: Why, he looks so sweet! 1555%Bart: I am, ma'am. 1555%-- He also lies, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1556%Milhouse: You going to flush it? [a cherry bomb] 1556%Bart: What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics. 1556%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1557%Homer: [lying on the couch] Oh, Maaarge, I'm still hurt! \\ 1557% [rings a handbell] Maaarge! Maaaaaarge! 1557%Marge: [finally arrives] Oh, Homer. How many times do I have to fluff 1557% your pillow? 1557%Homer: Actually, I was wondering if you could make me a grilled-cheese 1557% sandwich? 1557%Marge: [reluctantly] Well, okay. 1557%Homer: Make sure it's squished flat, and crunchy on the outside. 1557%Marge: I know how you like 'em, Homer. 1557%Homer: Oh, and can I have some of those wieners that come in a can? 1557% Oh, and some fruit cocktail, in heavy syrup. 1557%Marge: Mmmmm... 1557%-- Milking an injury, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1558%Homer: Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. I'd get up, but the boy crippled me. 1558%Principal Skinner: Mm hm. I understand completely. 1558%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1559%Pr. Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. 1559% I don't think suspension or expulsion will do the trick. I think it 1559% behooves us all to consider... deportation. 1559%Marge: Deportation!? You mean, kick Bart out of the country? 1559%Homer: Eh, hear him out, Marge. 1559%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1560%Pr. Skinner: Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange 1560% program. Normally, a student is selection on the basis of academic 1560% excellence or intelligence. But in Bart's case... I'm prepared to 1560% make a exception. And if you're willing to play along, he can 1560% be spending the next three months studying far, far away. 1560%Homer: Sounds great! 1560%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1561%Pr. Skinner: He'd be staying in France, in a lovely chateau in the heart 1561% of the wine country. 1561%Marge: But Bart doesn't speak French. 1561%Pr. Skinner: Oh, when he's fully immersed in a foreign language, the average 1561% child can become fluent in weeks! 1561%Homer: Yeah, but what about Bart? 1561%Pr. Skinner: I'm sure he'll pick up enough to get by. 1561%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1562%Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn't 1562%pulling the same scam you are! 1562%-- Homer learns that Bart has been selected for an exchange program, 1562% ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1563%Pr. Skinner: You'll be getting an Albanian. 1563%Homer: You mean, all white with pink eyes? 1563%-- Student exchange program, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1564%Ah, the life of a frog. That's the life for me. 1564%-- Bart, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1565%He makes crazy twelve months a year. At least you get the summer off. 1565%-- Homer chats with Principal Skinner, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1566%Bart: And I'd get to take a plane there, wouldn't I, Mom? 1566%Marge: Yes, Bart. 1566%Bart: And one back? 1566%-- We'll think about it, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1567%Always remember that you're representing your country. I guess what I'm 1567%saying is... Don't mess up France the way you messed up your room. 1567%-- Homer sends Bart to France, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1568%Lisa: You know, in Albania, the unit of currency is called the lek. 1568%Homer: Heh heh heh. The lek! 1568%Lisa: And the national flag is a two-headed eagle on a red field. 1568%Homer: Give me the ol' stars-and-stripes! 1568%Lisa: And the main export is furious political thought. 1568%Homer: Political what? 1568%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1569%You will find life here at the ch\^ateau hard, but if you shut up and 1569%do exactly what we say, the time will pass more quickly. 1569%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1570%You might find his accent peculiar. Certain aspects of his culture may seem 1570%absurd, perhaps even offensive. But I urge you all to give little Adil the 1570%benefit of the doubt. This way, and only in this way, do we hope to better 1570%understand our backward neighbors throughout the world. 1570%-- Principal Skinner's introduction, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1571%Adil: How can you defend a country where five percent of the people 1571% control ninety-five percent of the wealth? 1571%Lisa: I'm defending a country where people can think and act 1571% and worship any way they want. 1571%Adil: Cannot! 1571%Lisa: Can too! 1571%Adil: Cannot! 1571%Lisa: Can too! 1571%Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. 1571% Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, 1571% and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism 1571% being oiled with the blood of the workers. 1571%-- The thoughts of a worker who does not control the means of production, 1571% ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1572%Marge: I'll just clean the dishes... 1572%Adil: No, Mrs. Simpson, you have been oppressed enough today. 1572% will clear the dishes. 1572%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1573%Did you see that? This is the way I always wanted it to be! We've become 1573%a fully-functioning family unit! We've always blamed ourselves, but I 1573%guess it's pretty clear which cylinder wasn't firing. 1573%-- Homer trades Bart for Adil, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1574%Oh, she's just jealous. She'll get over it. 1574%And if she doesn't, we can always exchange her! Heh, heh, heh. 1574%-- Homer on Lisa's recent ourburst, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1575%Homer: Look, Adil, you can call me `Dad'. 1575%Adil: All right... `Dad'. 1575%Homer: Awwww, you called me `Dad'. 1575%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1576%None of my biological kids ever wanted to see me at work... 1576%-- Homer, upon Adil's request to see SNPP, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1577%See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry-filled. 1577%Now, how's for freedom of choice! 1577%-- Homer introduces Adil to the American workplace, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1578%Homer: Hey, Lenny, does this place have one of those plutonium 1578% isolation deals? 1578%Lenny: Yeah, in Sector 12. 1578%Homer: Sector 12? 1578%Lenny: Third floor, by the candy machine. 1578%Homer: Oh, Sector 12! 1578%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1579%We think Maggie may say her first word any day now. 1579%-- Marge's letter to Bart, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1580%Quand je sens que ma foi dans les forces supr\^emes faiblit, 1580%je pense toujours au miracle de l'anti-freeze. 1580%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1581%Whenever my faith in God is shaken, I think of the miracle of anti-freeze. 1581%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1582%Cesar: [shoves a cup of wine in Bart's face] Drink this. 1582%Bart: Oh, no thanks. 1582%Cesar: Do not worry. This is France. It is customary for children to take 1582% a little wine now and then. 1582%Bart: Yeah, but it's got anti-freeze in there. 1582%Cesar: Drink it! 1582%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1583%He sees well enough. Now go buy a case of anti-freeze. 1583%-- Cesar, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1584%I'm so stupid. Anybody could've learned this dumb language by now. 1584%Here, I've listened to nothing but French for the past |{deux mois,} 1584% |[two months,] 1584%{et je ne sais pas un mot.} 1584%[And I haven't learned a word.] 1584%{Eh! Mais, je parle Fran\c{c}ais maintenant!} 1584%[Wait! I'm talking French now!] 1584%{Incroyable!} 1584%[Incredible!] 1584%-- Bart learns French, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1585%Bart: You gotta help me. These two guys work me night and day. 1585% They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor. 1585% They put anti-freeze in the wine, and they gave 1585% my red hat to the donkey. 1585%Policeman: [shocked] 1585% Anti-freeze in the wine? That is a very serious crime. 1585%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1586%Oh, just some blueprints Adil wanted. 1586%I'm telling you, he's such a curious little Dickens. 1586%I bet he could a nukeeler power plant if he wanted to! 1586%-- Homer fetches classified information for Adil, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1587%Homer: I'm his neighbor, what'd he do? 1587%Agent: [through the megaphone] Well, sir, the... 1587% [turns off the megaphone] Well, sir... 1587%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1588%Spy: So, Sparrow, we meet again. 1588%Adil: Yes. Sometimes I think that I am getting too old for this game. 1588%-- ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1589%Good-bye, Adil! I'll send you those civil defense plans you wanted! 1589%-- Homer bids farewell to an Albanian spy, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1590%So, basically, I met one nice French person. 1590%-- Bart's summary of his trip to France, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1591%Some wise-guy stuck a cork in the bottle! 1591%-- Homer struggles to open a wine bottle, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1592%Mon p\`ere! Quel bouffon! 1592%-- Bart, ``The Crepes of Wrath'' 1593%> Didja notice... 1594% ... the doors were missing from the toilet stalls in the boys' room? 1594% Typical elementary school facilities. 1594% ... Bart got his wish? He lived the life of a frog! 1594% ... someone took a bicycle on the plane as carry-one luggage? 1594% ... Principal Skinner gave a speech and didn't screw up a single word? 1595%> Movie (and other) References 1596% * Assorted French paintings 1596% - Bart's ride through the French countryside 1596% - Dejeuner sur l'herbe 1596% - Three others 1596% * Jean de Florette and Manon of the Spring 1596% - Cesar and Huguolin look like and have the same 1596% names as the evil peasants. @{tas}@{jmv} 1597%> Comments and other observations 1598%>> French, as viewed by a Frenchman 1599%Jean-Marc Vezien @{jmv} volunteered to study the episode from a French 1599%point of view, and here's the result of his analysis: 1600%Although ``Bart's Dog Gets an F'' remains my favorite, ``The Crepes 1600%of Wrath'' is certainly a very good episode, especially for a French 1600%native. The depiction of the two bad guys is hilarious (I'll try to 1600%explain why below), as well as the accent itself. First, the 1600%names: Maurice, Cesar (this should be C\'esar, with acute accent, but 1600%who cares?)\ and Huguolin. Maurice is a typical French name, very 1600%common for men in their 40's or 50's. Definitly out of fashion, and 1600%usually associated with countryside flavor (which tends to be 1600%pejorative nowadays). Needless to say, this doesn't reflect the 1600%average IQ of all the Maurices in France, but so there. 1601%Cesar and Huguolin are two very famous characters of French 1601%litterature, from the novel ``Manon des sources'' (Manon of the 1601%Springs), two corrupted, bad-manered peasants of the 30's. They don't 1601%happen to make wine, but steal the water from another guy's land by 1601%obstructing his spring. In fact, the story is rather intricate and 1601%probably not interesting for Americans. But Cesar and Huguolin 1601%represent the archetype of the typical narrow-minded, twisted farmer 1601%of France at the beginning of the century, ready to commit any abuse 1601%for a little money. Needless to say, this doesn't reflect the average 1601%behaviour of all the farmers in France, but so there. 1602%The funniest thing all along the episode is the accent. The point is, 1602%except the policeman (who speaks such a accentless French that it's 1602%funny anyway), all the French speaking characters have a 1602%American accent. Furthermore, Cesar and Huguolin's voicers have 1602%tried to imitate the French countryside accent, which kept me rolling on 1602%the floor with laughter. Some of the sentences are very hard to catch, 1602%even for a native, and a few words remain a mystery for me. Oh well. I 1602%also like the way the French guys speak English (a very good catch of 1602%the real French accent, putting `e' at the ends of sentences, or 1602%rolling the `r'). 1603%Now, for those who plan to go to France for a vacation or an exchange 1603%student program, let me state this: It is possible to go in September, 1603%to the southwest of France (the Bordeaux region) and spend a 1603%marvelous (although exhausting) time, gathering the grapes. Lots of 1603%gigantic meals, free wine and girls (well, at least wine...), 1603%in a friendly atmosphere. No Cesar or Huguolin, and no risk of 1603%anti-freeze! Along this line, it's absolutly that some crooks 1603%tried to add anti-freeze to the wine in order to make it taste ``older''. 1603%(Normally it takes at least one and up to 20 years to make a decent 1603%wine.) This, of course, is prohibited and the production is severely 1603%controlled. (I speak for France, now the situation can be somewhat 1603%different in Italy or Spain, which produce lots of cheap wine.) 1604%And out of curiosity, is it real Albanian? 1605%>>> Now for the French part 1606%{\catcode`\|\active\def\({\Q\parskip0pt\QuoteMulti}\let\\\medbreak 1606%\def\){\endQuoteMulti\eQ}\let\,\c\def|#1: #2|{\QuoteLine{#1}{#2}\endQuoteLine} 1607%Before Bart arrives... 1607%\( 1607%{|C\'esar: Ah, Maurice. D\`es que le gar\,con am\'ericain arrive, 1607% tes jours d'esclavage sont finis. 1607%||Translation: Ah, Maurice. As soon as the American boy arrives, 1607% your days of slavery are over. 1607%||Subtitle: Ah, Maurice. Once the American boy arrives / 1607% your days of back-breaking labor will be over. 1607%|}\) 1607%\\ 1608%Huguolin and C\'esar go through Bart's things: 1608%\( 1608%{|Huguolin: C\'esar, regarde! Nous sommes riches! 1608%||Translation: C\'esar, look! We are rich! 1608%||Subtitle: Cesar, look! We are rich! 1608%|\smallskip 1608% |C\'esar: Ceux-l\`a sont trop petits, mais on peut les vendre. 1608%||Translation: These are too small, but we can sell them. 1608%||Subtitle: These won't fit us, but we can sell them. 1608%|\smallskip 1608% |Huguolin: Regarde, Maurice. Un beau chapeau rouge pour toi. 1608%||Translation: Look, Maurice. A beautiful red hat for you. 1608%||Subtitle: And a red hat for you, Maurice. 1608%|}\) 1608%\\ 1609%Dinnertime... 1609%\( 1609%{|Huguolin: Elle est bonne cette saucisse. 1609%||Translation: This sausage is really good. 1609%||Subtitle: Mmm. Good sausage. 1609%|\smallskip 1609% |C\'esar: Oui tr\`es. Passe-moi le vin. 1609%||Translation: Yeah, a lot. Give me the wine. 1609%||Subtitle: Yes. Pass me the wine. 1609%|}\) 1609%So we have here the archetype of (1)~the typical rural French meal 1609%and (2)~the typical rural French conversation. 1609%\\ 1610%As Bart reads the letter from Marge... 1610%\( 1610%{|C\'esar: Silence! 1610%||Translation: Silence! 1610%|}\) 1610%But you knew that already. 1610%\\ 1611%In the wine shack... 1611%\( 1611%{|C\'esar: Ah, je crois que \,ca va \^etre notre meilleur cuv\'ee. 1611%||Translation: Ah, I think this is going to be our best vintage. 1611%||Subtitle: This will be our finest wine ever. 1611%|\smallskip 1611% |Huguolin: Mais le vin n'a ferment\'e que trois jours. 1611%||Translation: But the wine has only fermented for three days. 1611%||Subtitle: But it's only been fermenting for three days. 1611%|\smallskip 1611% |C\'esar: Quand je sens que ma foi dans les forces supr\^emes 1611% faiblit, je pense toujours au miracle de l'anti-freeze. 1611%||Translation: When my faith in the supreme forces weakens, I always 1611% think of the miracle of the antifreeze. 1611%||Subtitle: Whenever my faith in God is shaken, 1611% I think of the miracle of anti-freeze. 1611%|}\) 1611%I couldn't stop laughing at this one. First, C\'esar pronounces 1611%(vintage) with an American ``u'', sounding , or using French 1611%spelling, , which means ``clutch''! Then there is this 1611%incredible sentence refering to supreme forces. I don't know for the 1611%Americans, but it sounds crazy in French. 1611%[It sounds crazy in English, too. --rjc] Last, C\'esar says 1611% (we say in French), which, combined 1611%with the leading , sounds almost like 1611% which means ! 1611%\\ 1612%Continuing... 1612%\( 1612%{|C\'esar: Si on en met trop, bien s\^ur, c'est du poison. 1612%||Translation: If you put put too much of it, of course, it's lethal. 1612%||Subtitle: Too much can be poison, 1612%|\smallskip 1612% |C\'esar: Mais dans les proportions voulues, \,ca donne du corps au vin. 1612%||Translation: But in the desired proportions, it gives body to the wine. 1612%||Subtitle: but the right amount gives wine just the right kick. 1612%|}\) 1612%``Corps'' is difficult to translate here, as I'm not a specialist of wine. 1612%In fact, I realize I don't even know how to describe it properly. 1612%Let's stick to ``body'', which is reasonably accurate. 1612%\\ 1613%\( 1613%{|Huguolin: Je crois que tu en as mis trop. 1613% Tu vas tuer quelqu'un avec \,ca. 1613%||Translation: I think you put too much of it. 1613% You'll kill somebody with that. 1613%||Subtitle: You put in too much. It may kill someone. 1613%|\smallskip 1613% |C\'esar: Tuer quelqu'un? T'es fou! 1613%||Translation: Kill someone? You're nuts! 1613%||Subtitle: Kill someone? Don't be ridiculous. 1613%|}\) 1613%\\ 1614%As they're about to feed Bart the tainted wine... 1614%\( 1614%{|C\'esar: Regarde, je te parie que \,ca va m\^eme pas le rendre aveugle. 1614%||Translation: Look, I bet you he's not even going to be blind. 1614%||Subtitle: Watch. I'll bet it won't even blind him. 1614%|}\) 1614%The word ``aveugle'' is spoken in such a manner that only by consulting 1614%the subtitle could I figure out what he said! 1614%\\ 1615%\( 1615%{|C\'esar: Qu'est ce que je t'avais dit? 1615% Maintenant, vas nous chercher une caisse 1615% d'anti-freeze au magasin. 1615%||Translation: What did I tell you? 1615% Now, go and get us a case of antifreeze at the store. 1615%||Subtitle: He sees well enough. Now go buy a case of anti-freeze. 1615%|}\) 1615%Here, really sounds like . 1615%\\ 1616%\( 1616%{|Huguolin: Mais il pleut! 1616% Est-ce qu'on peut attendre \`a faire le vin demain? 1616%||Translation: But it's raining! 1616% Can't we wait until tomorrow to make the wine? 1616%||Subtitle: But it's raining outside. Let's make the wine tomorrow. 1616%|}\) 1616%It seems that Huguolin's voicer had problem with this sentence, which 1616%sounds terrible. Besides, the <\`a> is incorrect. It should be ~(for) 1616%or ~(and). 1616%\\ 1617%\( 1617%{|C\'esar: On a d\'ej\`a perdu trois jours. 1617%||Translation: We've already lost three days. 1617%||Subtitle: We have already waited three days. 1617%|}\) 1617%Sounds like a good score for wine-making! 1617%\\ 1618%\( 1618%{|Huguolin: Alors, envoie le gar\,con! 1618%||Translation: Then, send the kid! 1618%||Subtitle: Then send the boy. 1618%|}\) 1618%\\ 1619%Bart's visit to Paris. Stores named and . 1619%Bart spots a (not so) typical French policeman and tries to talk to him. 1619%\( 1619%{|Policeman: Excusez-moi, je ne parle pas Anglais. 1619%||Translation: Excuse me, I don't speak English. 1619%|}\) 1619%Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha ha! A French policeman apologizes. Besides, 1619%this guy sounds like a shy school teacher who spent his life behind 1619%his books (with a perfect, sweet, accentless French), not like the 1619%average cop, who would have said: ``'' (So shorty, lost your mum?) 1619%\\ 1620%Bart's struggle with the language continues. 1620%\( 1620%{|Policeman: Tiens, petit gar\,con. Voil\`a un bonbon. 1620%||Translation: There, little boy. here's a piece of candy. 1620%|}\) 1620%Do you think French cops give sweets to lost American kids? 1620%\\ 1621%\( 1621%{|Policeman: Je suis d\'esol\'e, j'aimerais vraiment pouvoir vous aider. 1621%||Translation: I'm sorry, I'd really like to help you. 1621%|}\) 1621%Come on! An understanding cop? Gimme a break, man! 1621%\\ 1622%Bart complains to himself, ``Anybody could have learnt this dumb language 1622%by now!'' (Sure, especially Homer!) 1622%\( 1622%{|Bart: Here, I've listened to nothing but French for the past 1622% deux mois, / et je ne sais pas un mot. 1622%||Translation: two months, / And I don't know a word! 1622%||Subtitle: two months. / And I haven't learned a word. 1622%|}\) 1622%Not too bad an accent, for a beginner. 1622%\\ 1623%\( 1623%{|Bart: Mais, je parle Fran\,cais maintenant! / Incroyable! 1623%||Translation: My, I speak French now! / Incredible! 1623%||Subtitle: Wait! I'm talking French now! / Incredible! 1623%|}\) 1623%Indeed, it is. 1623%\\ 1624%\( 1624%{|Bart: Hey, Monsieur, aidez-moi! 1624% Ces deux types me font travailler jour et nuit. 1624% Ils ne me donnent pas \`a manger, 1624% ils me font dormir par terre, 1624% ils mettent de l'antifreeze dans le vin, 1624% et ils ont donn\'e mon chapeau rouge \`a l'\^ane. 1624%||Translation: Hey sir, help me! 1624% Those two guys make me work day and night. 1624% They don't feed me, 1624% they make me sleep on the ground, 1624% they put antifreeze in the wine, 1624% and they gave my red hat to the donkey. 1624%||Subtitle: You gotta help me. These two guys work me night and day. / 1624% They don't feed me. They make me sleep on the floor. / 1624% They put anti-freeze in the wine, 1624% and they gave my red hat to the donkey. 1624%|}\) 1624%Note that the policeman gulps when Bart mentions the antifreeze. 1624%Nothing is worse than to adulterate wine in France. 1624%Death penalty at the very least. 1624%\\ 1625%\( 1625%{|Policeman: De l'antifreeze dans le vin? 1625% Ah mais c'est s\'erieux \,ca! 1625% Viens avec moi, fiston, tu n'as plus rien \`a craindre. 1625%||Translation: Antifreeze in the wine? 1625% This is serious indeed! 1625% Come with me, boy, you've got nothing to fear anymore. 1625%||Subtitle: Anti-freeze in the wine? That is a very serious crime. / 1625% Come along, boy. There is nothing for you to fear now. 1625%|}\) 1625%Two major flaws here: First, the French cop understands it all right away. 1625%Usually you have to explain things four or five times just to get a 1625%glimmer of comprehension. Second, Bart is now all alone with a cop, 1625%which typically means that he's in deep, deep trouble. 1625%\\ 1626%\( 1626%{|Bart: Mon [???]. Vous aurez toujours une place dans mon c{\oe}ur. 1626%||Translation: My [???]. You will always have a place in my heart. 1626%||Subtitle: My savior. You will always have a place in my heart. 1626%|}\) 1626%The first two words are covered by music and are impossible to figure out. 1626%As for Bart's behaviour (thanking a cop), I can 1626%see only one explanation: Antifreeze poisoning. 1626%\\ 1627%The bad guys get busted... 1627%\( 1627%{|Policeman: He ben maintenant, vous ferez votre vin en prison! 1627%||Translation: Well, now, you'll make your wine in prison! 1627%||Subtitle: From now on you will be doing all your winemaking in prison. 1627%|}\) 1627%Ha, ha, ha. Typical cop joke. 1627%\\ 1628%\( 1628%{|Huguolin: Nous [????] les prisons! 1628%||Translation: We [????] the jails! 1628%|}\) 1628%The word marked [????] is not a French word. I swear it. 1628%\\ 1629%\( 1629%{|C\'esar: Et tout \,ca, parce qu'on a particip\'e \`a un 1629% programme d'\'echange d'\'etudiants! 1629%||Translation: And all this because we were part of an student 1629% exchange program! 1629%||Subtitle: And all because we participated in a student exchange program. 1629%|\smallskip 1629% |Bart: Au revoir, suckers! 1629%||Translation: Bye bye, suckers! 1629%|}\) 1629%Note that Bart could have used the French equivalent of suckers, ``pigeons''. 1629%\\ 1630%At the airport: 1630%\( 1630%{|Voice: Air France, flight mille neuf cent quatre-vingt huit, 1630% Paris to Springfield, is now arriving. 1630%||Translation: Air France, flight 1988, Paris to Springfield, is now arriving. 1630%|}\) 1630%\\ 1631%Back at home, Bart muses to himself... 1631%\( 1631%{|Bart: Mon p\`ere, quel bouffon. 1631%||Translation: My father. What a buffoon. 1631%||Subtitle: My father. What a buffoon. 1631%|}\) 1631%All in all, pretty funny. Nevertheless, I wonder why they didn't take 1631%real French speakers. (Hey, they could have asked me!) Now don't 1631%tell me it was too difficult to find. The depiction of France was as 1631%grotesque as I expected (Bart met one nice person in France), and 1631%Groening et al.\ captured some of the worse features you can find on a 1631%trip to France. (Wonder where he got his info.) 1631%} 1632%>> Miscellaneous 1633%You'd think the water in the toilet bowl would've extinguished the fuse 1633%on the cherry bomb. 1634%> Boring distribution restrictions 1635%Episode summaries Copyright 1991--1992 by Raymond Chen. 1635%Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission. 1635%(The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, 1635%and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. 1635%I'm just taking credit for the compilation.) 1636%Homer: [receives a sweepstakes junk mail with a `You may have already won' 1636% check] One million dollars! I'm rich! [rushes to the bank] 1636%Teller: Mr. Simpson, I can assure you, this check of yours is non-negotiable. 1636%Homer: Oh yeah? Well, what makes you so damn sure? 1636%Teller: See where it says, ``VOID VOID VOID'' and ``This is not a check'', 1636% ``Cash value one twentieth of a cent'', ``Mr. Banker, do not 1636% honor''... 1636%Homer: Shut up. 1636%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1637%Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true. 1637% Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal. 1637%Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points. 1637%-- Homer may have already won $1 million, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1638%Marge: Well, at least we got a free sample of Reading Digest. 1638%Homer: Marge, I never read a magazine in my life, and I'm not going to start 1638% now. 1638%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1639%Homer: [reading `Reading Digest'] Hey, a cartoon! 1639% [a woman tries to explain a pile of metal that used to be a car] 1639% ``Well, dear, you always wanted a compact...'' 1639% [laughs] Ain't it the truth! 1639%Marge: No, it's not the truth, Homer. It's well-documented that women are 1639% safer drivers than men. 1639%Homer: Oh, Marge, cartoons don't have any deep meaning. They're just 1639% stupid drawings that give you a cheap laugh. 1639% [gets up, revealing rear cleavage] 1639%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1640%Len: Hey Einstein, put down your reading. It's lunchtime! 1640%Homer: Ah, you go ahead. 1640%Len: Hey, you don't want to eat? What did you do, get one of those 1640% stomach staples? 1640%Homer: As Tolstoi said in Quotable Notables, ``Give me learning, sir, 1640% and you may keep your black bread.'' 1640%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1641%Burns: Who is that bookworm, Smithers? 1641%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. 1641%Burns: Simpson, eh? How very strange. 1641% His job description clearly specifies an illiterate! 1641%-- Why is Homer reading on the job? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1642%Announcer: We now return to Troy McClure and Dolores Montenegro 1642% in ``Preacher with a Shovel''. 1642%Man's voice: But irrigation can your people, Chief Smiling Bear! 1642%-- The wonders of the American cinema, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1643%Marge: You've certainly taking a shying to that magazine. 1643%Homer: It's not just magazine, Marge; they take of 1643% magazines, filter out the crap, and leave you with something 1643% that fits right into your front pocket. 1643% [struggles to shove it into his front pocket, tearing the seams 1643% in the process] 1643%-- Reading is fundamental, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1644%Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers 1644% dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion! 1644% [gasp] He'll be killed! 1644%Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article. 1644%Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right. 1644%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1645%Homer: [reads] Seven ways to spice up your marriage. 1645% [ahem] [reads woodenly] Marge, you have a nice body. 1645% And if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask. 1645%Marge: Why, thank you, Homey. 1645%-- Book at bedtime, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1646%Homer: Wow, `Win a trip to Washington, DC. All expenses paid, VIP tour'... 1646% Oh, it's for kids. [throws into trash] 1646%Lisa: Wait, Dad. [fishes out of trash] 1646% Mm, an essay contest. Children under twelve, three hundred words, 1646% fiercely pro-American. Sounds interesting. 1646%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1647%[as tranquil music plays in the background, Lisa writes her essay] 1647%What would Ben Franklin say if he were alive today? 1647%He'd say... [tranquil music abruptly stops] 1647%[erasing] Oh, think of a better opening. 1647%-- After all, Ben Franklin was an editor, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1648%Lisa: Thanks for driving me to the contest, Dad. 1648%Homer: Sweetheart, there's nothing I wouldn't do for that magazine. 1648%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1649%We the purple? What the hell was that? 1649%-- Father to son on his essay topic, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1650%Who would have guessed reading and writing would pay off! 1650%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1651%Steward: Yes, sir, can I get you something? 1651%Homer: Playing cards, note pad, aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin, 1651% propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask, and anything else 1651% I've got coming to me. 1651%Steward: I'll see what I can do. 1651%-- Flying to Washington, DC, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1652%Pilot: And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle. 1652% Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats? 1652%Bart: No thank you. I'd rather push this button. 1652% [leans over and pushes a button] 1652%Pilot: No! 1652% [in the main cabin, oxygen masks descend from the overhead compartments] 1652%Homer: Aagh! We're all going to die! [screams from the passengers] 1652%-- Are you breathing naturally? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1653%[at the airport, sees a chauffeur holding a sign that reads, `SIMPSON'] 1653%Look, Marge, that guy has the same last name we do! 1653%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1654%Wow! A shoe horn! Just like in the movies! 1654%-- Homer is amazed at what comes with the hotel room, 1654% ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1655%Ooh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to increase 1655%your word power'. That thing is really, really.. really.... good. 1655%-- Homer, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1656%Faith: Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists. 1656% This is Trong Van Din and Maria Diminguez. 1656%Maria and Trong: Hello. 1656%Faith: Maria is the national spelling bee champion, and Trong has 1656% won both the Westinghouse Talent Search and the NFL 1656% Punt-Pass-and-Kick competition. 1656%Lisa: Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior 1656% ability? 1656%Maria: Mm. 1656%Trong: Sure, I guess. 1656%Lisa: Oh! Me, too! [embraces them] 1656%-- The plight of the superior, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1657%Faith: These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places 1657% other tourists never see. 1657%Homer: Miss, what does the `I' stand for? 1657%Faith: Important. 1657%Homer: Ooh. How about the `V'? 1657%Faith: Very. 1657%Homer: Oh. And Miss, just one more question. 1657%Faith: Person. 1657%Homer: Ah... What does the `I' stand for again? 1657%-- Short term um, what's that called... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1658%Bart: [reading a sign] On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled 1658% back-to-back 300 games. 1658%Homer: Yeah, right. 1658%-- Would he lie to you? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1659%Marge: Wow, the President's bathroom... 1659%Lisa: [opens a curtain, revealing our First Lady in the tub soaking] 1659%Babs: [gasp] Do you mind! 1659%Lisa: Barbara Bush! 1659%Babs: Ugh, you have those damn badges. Okay... [playing tour guide] 1659% This tub was installed in 1894... 1659%-- The VIP tour, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1660%Tour guide: Folks, we print more than 18 million bills a day. 1660% Oh, and in case you were wondering, no, we don't give out free samples. 1660% [tour group chuckles] 1660%Homer: Lousy cheap country... 1660%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1661%Homer: Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis! 1661%-- Or is it Looey? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1662%Marge: [admiring the Washington Monument] [chuckles] 1662%Homer: Hey, what's so funny? 1662%Marge: [whispers] 1662%Homer: Oh, Marge, grow up. 1662%-- Did he say, `up'? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1663%Well, Jerry, you're a whale of a lobbyist, and I'd like to give you a 1663%logging permit, I would. But this isn't like burying toxic waste. People 1663%are going to notice those trees are gone. 1663%-- The quandaries of a Congressman, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1664%Arnold: You must be Lisa Simpson. 1664%Lisa: Hello, sir. 1664%Arnold: Lisa, you're a doer. And who knows, maybe someday you'll be a 1664% congressman or a senator. We have quite a few women senators, you 1664% know. 1664%Lisa: Only two. I checked. 1664%Arnold: [chuckles] You're a sharp one. 1664%-- Congressman Arnold has met his match? ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1665%Moe: [seeing a photo of Congressman Arnold and Lisa in the paper] 1665% Aw, isn't that nice. Now is a politician who cares. 1665%Barney: If I ever vote, it'll be for him! [belch] 1665%-- Portrait of a Nonvoter, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1666%Lisa: I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe 1666% Memorial? 1666%Homer: [half asleep] Who's that? 1666%Lisa: An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floor Mop Rebellion 1666% of 1910. Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece. 1666%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1667%``I will iron your sheets when you iron out the inequities in your labor 1667%laws.'' Amen, sister. 1667%-- Lisa reads the inscription on the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial, 1667% ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1668%Lisa: [over the strains of the Battle Hymn of the Republic] 1668% [sees the Lincoln Memorial in the reflecting pool] 1668% Honest Abe, he'll show me the way. 1668% [goes to the memorial] 1668% Mr. Lincoln? 1668%Man: Mr. Lincoln, I need your advice. What can I do to make this a 1668% better country? 1668%Woman: Is this a good time to buy a house? 1668%Woman: I can't get my boy to brush proper. 1668%Man: Would I look good with a mustache? 1668%Old man: [takes of his hat, revealing his bald pate] 1668% So I tried some turpentine but that just made it worse. 1668%Lisa: [trying to make herself heard over the din] 1668% Mr. Lincoln? My name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem. 1668%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1669%Lisa: Mr. Jefferson, my name is Lisa Simpson, and I have a problem. 1669%Jefferson: I know your problem. The Lincoln Memorial was too crowded. 1669%Lisa: Sorry, sir. It's just... 1669%Jefferson: No one ever comes to see me. I don't blame them. I never did 1669% anything important. Just the Declaration of Independence, 1669% the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter... 1669%Lisa: Uh, maybe I should be going. I've caught you at a bad time... 1669% [leaves] 1669%Jefferson: Wait! Please don't go. I get so lonely... 1669%-- Talking heads, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1670%Page: Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest. 1670%Senator: Please, son, I'm very busy. 1670%Page: A little girl is losing faith in democracy! 1670%Senator: Good Lord! 1670%-- ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1671%Speaker: We now vote on House bill 1022, the expulsion of Bob Arnold. 1671%Representative: Mr. Speaker, I'm all for the bill, but shouldn't we 1671% tack on a pay raise for ourselves? 1671%All: No! 1671%-- Heed my quips... ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1672%When my family arrived in this country four months ago, we spoke no 1672%English and had no money in our pockets. Today, we own a nationwide 1672%chain of wheel-balancing centers. Where else but in America, or 1672%possible Canada, could our family find such opportunity? That's why, 1672%whenever I see the Stars and Stripes, I will always be reminded 1672%of that wonderful word: flag! 1672%-- Trong's award-winning speech, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1673%Imprisoned Congressman Becomes Born-Again Christian 1673%-- If it's in the paper, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1674%Faith: Will the winning essay be... 1674% Bubble On, O Melting Pot, 1674% Lift High Your Lamp, Green Lady, 1674% USA A-OK, 1674% or Cesspool on the Potomac? 1674%Bart: Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! Cesspool! 1674%-- Awards ceremony, ``Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington'' 1675%Ahem. Hello, everyone. Before last year's Hallowe'en show, I warned you 1675%not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mm. Well, this 1675%year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think 1675%they snuck in some bad language, too. So please, tuck in your children 1675%and... [sighs] Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not 1675%going to now. Enjoy the show. 1675%-- Marge's second disclaimer, ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1676%And to conclude this Hallowe'en newscast on a scary note... Remember, the 1676%Presidential primaries are only a few months away. [chuckles] 1676%-- Kent Brockman, ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1677%Marge: If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares. 1677%Bart: [mouth full of candy] [sarcasm] Oh yeah, everybody in the family 1677% is going to have bad nightmares tonight, ha! 1677%Lisa: [more sarcasm] Oh yeah, three bad nightmares. 1677%Homer: [yet more sarcasm] I'd like to see that! Heh heh heh! 1677%-- Little do they know... ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1678%Homer: What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live in a place like this? 1678%Lisa: [annoyed] Dad, that's Monaco. 1678%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1679%Vendor: Sir, I must strongly advise you: Do not purchase this. 1679% Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune. 1679% I, myself, was once president of Algeria. 1679%Homer: Come on, pal, I don't want to hear your life story. Paw me! 1679%-- A visit to Morocco, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1680%Marge: Ew, Homer, where did you get that ugly thing? 1680%Homer: Why, at that little shop right over... there? 1680% [all that's left is a gust of wind] [gasp!] 1680% Oh, no, wait, it was over there. 1680% [points at the shop] 1680%-- Sleight of hand, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1681%Marge: Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say. 1681%Woman 1: If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons, I swear, I'm going 1681% to scream. 1681%Woman 2: At first they were cute and funny, but now they are just annoying. 1681%-- Dame Fortune frowns, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1682%Come to think of it, the guy that sold me this thing did say the wishes 1682%would bring grave misfortune. I thought he was just being colorful. 1682%-- Homer, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1683%Lisa: [takes the paw] I wish for world peace. 1683% [the second finger on the paw closes] 1683%Homer: Lisa, that was very selfish of you! 1683%-- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1684%British ambassador: Eh, sorry about the Falklands, old boy. 1684%Argentine ambassador: Oh, forget it. We kind of knew they were yours. 1684%-- The peace dividend, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1685%People of earth! We come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace! 1685%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1686%Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons! 1686%-- The green aliens, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1687%Len: They're conking us with a club! 1687%Man: Wish we'd saved an A-bomb or two... 1687%-- Green aliens invade, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1688%I'll make a wish that can't backfire. I wish for a turkey sandwich, on 1688%rye bread, with lettuce and mustard, and, I don't want any zombie 1688%turkeys, I don't want to turn into a turkey myself, and I don't want any 1688%other weird surprises. You got it? 1688%[the monkey's paw closes its finger in understanding] 1688%[a turkey sandwich materializes] 1688%[Homer takes it] Hey! [digs in] 1688%Not bad. Nice, hot mustard. Good bread. The turkey's a little dry. 1688%[in realization] The turkey's a little dry! 1688%Oh, foe, the cursed teeth! [huh?] 1688%What demon from the depths of hell created thee! 1688%-- Homer deals with... `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1689%Okily dokily! 1689%-- Ned Flanders, `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1690%Alien 1: It seems the earthlings won. 1690%Alien 2: Did they? That board with a nail in it may have defeated us. 1690% But the humans won't stop there. They'll make bigger boards 1690% and bigger nails, and soon, they will make a board with a nail 1690% so big, it will destroy them all! 1690% [both aliens laugh evilly, for quite some time] 1690%-- `The Monkey's Paw' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1691%Presented for your consideration: Springfield. An average little town, 1691%with a not-so-average monster. 1691%[townsfolk wander around with nervous smiles, saying, `Happy happy!'] 1691%The people of Springfield have to make sure they think happy thoughts 1691%and say happy things. Because this particular monster can read minds. 1691%and if displeased, can turn people into grotesque walking terrors. 1691%-- Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1692%And did I mention to you that the monster is a ten-year-old boy? 1692%[zoom in on Bart] 1692%Quite a twist, huh? Bet you didn't see that one coming. 1692%-- Welcome to... `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1693%Bart: [sees Snowball 2] Every day, same old cat. I'll make it more 1693% interesting. [furrows his brow, turning the cat into a 1693% multi-colored fire-breathing whatever] 1693%Snowball: Meow. [fire breath singes the breakfast table. The cereal 1693% box is on fire] 1693%Bart: Ah, there. That's better. 1693%Marge: Much better. Oh, good! The curtains are on fire. 1693%Homer: [nervously] It's good that you made that.. awful thing, Bart. 1693% It's real good. 1693% [Marge hoses down the fire with the fire extinguisher] 1693%-- `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1694%He gets it from your side of the family, you know. No monsters on side. 1694%-- Homer to Marge, on Bart's impish powers, 1694% `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1695%Well, class the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond 1695%with Bart's answers on yesterday's test. [groans from the class] 1695%America was now discovered in 1942 by ... [consults] `Some Guy'. 1695%And our country isn't called America any more. It's Bonerland. 1695%-- Ms. Krabappel, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1696%Moe: [answers the phone] 1696% Moe's Tavern. ... Hold on, I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid 1696% moron with an ugly face and big butt and my butt smells and I like to 1696% kiss my own butt. 1696%All: [laugh] 1696%Barney: Ho ho, that's a good one. 1696%Moe: Wait a minute... [picks up the receiver] 1696%Bart: [hangs up and laughs] 1696%Ms.K: [holding the phone, forces a laugh] 1696%-- `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1697%The kick is up! It's looking good! The ball is turning into a fat bald 1697%guy! [Homer sails through the air (`Aaaaaaaaagh!') and collides with the 1697%goal post. (Twanggggg!)] And it's no good! And you know what we say 1697%every time something strange happens! It's good that Bart did that! It's 1697% good! 1697%-- Football announcer, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1698%[laughs sickly] Well, we're still on. Three hundred and forty-six 1698%consecutive hours, and all because of one little boy who... who WON'T LET 1698%ME STOP!!! [delirious] Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel 1698%has any more of those legal over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his! 1698%-- Krusty's marathon, `The Bart Zone' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1699%Marge: Goodness, what's wrong? 1699%Bart: We both had nightmares. 1699%Lisa: Can we sleep with you? 1699%Homer: You both toilet trained? 1699%Bart and Lisa: [indignantly] Yes! 1699%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1700%Smithers: [over P.A.] Attention Homer Simpson. Attention Homer Simpson. 1700%Homer: [still dozing at his post] 1700%Smithers: Wake up, Homer. 1700%Homer: [startles awake] 1700%Smithers: You're fired. 1700%Homer: For what? 1700%Smithers: For sleeping on the job. 1700%Homer: How'd you know I was sleeping? 1700%Smithers: We've been watching you on the surveillance camera. 1700%Homer: Camera? [spots the camera] D'oh! 1700%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1701%Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat o' nine 1701%tails! [unveils his Frankenstein monster] 1701%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1702%Lisa: [reading the classifieds] Hey, here's a good job, Dad! 1702% Oh, wait, you have to know how to operate an ultrasonic 1702% lithotriptor. 1702%Homer: How hard can it be? 1702%Bart: Hey Dad, here's one! $28/hr, plenty of fresh air, and you 1702% get to meet lots of interesting people. 1702%Homer: Ooh, what job is that? 1702%Bart: Grave digger. [laughs evilly] 1702%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1703%Smithers, get him out quickly. The stench is overpowering. 1703%-- Burns finds Homer's ``dead'' body, 1703% `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1704%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson. He wasn't exactly a model employee. 1704%Burns: Well, who a model [sees Smithers sans skull, just brain] 1704% employee.... 1704%Smithers: [panicking] Uh, Simpson will do just fine, sir. 1704%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1705%Smithers: You hear that, sir? 1705%Burns: No, I didn't. Who is it? Frankenstein? The Booooger Man? 1705%-- Me and my shadow, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1706%Smithers: It's the man in the bag, sir. I think he's alive. 1706%Burns: Oh. [walks over to it, and thwacks it with a shovel] 1706% Bad corpse. [thwack] Bad corpse. [thwack] 1706% Stop [thwack] scaring [thwack] Smithers! [thwack] 1706%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1707%Burns: [saws off the top of Homer's head. No blood, very clean. 1707% The top of Homer's head rolls away.] 1707% Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop. 1707%Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?! 1707%Burns: Dammit, Smithers, this isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! 1707%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1708%It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad. Well, who's 1708%mad now! [laughs diabolically] 1708%-- Mad Scientist Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1709%Johnny Carson: [as Karnak] Geraldo Rivera, Madonna, and a diseased yak. 1709%Ed McMahon: Ho ho ho ho. 1709%-- Watching TV, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1710%Lisa: Mom, what's wrong? 1710%Marge: It's your father. He's missing. 1710%Bart: Dad's missing? Get outta here. 1710%Marge: He's been gone for two days. 1710%Lisa: Whaddya know. She's right. 1710%-- Familial concern, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1711%I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. 1711%Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet. 1711%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1712%Smithers: You know what this means? He alive! 1712%Burns: Oh, you're right, Smithers. I guess I owe you a Coke. 1712%-- `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1713%And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous 1713%cog and camshifts, take that! [feebly kicks it] 1713%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1714%Every bone ... shattered, organs ... leaking vital fluids ... 1714%a slight headache ... loss of appetite. Smithers, I'm going to die. 1714%-- Mad Doctor Burns, `If I Only Had a Brain' in ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1715%Homer: [wakes up and screams] 1715%Marge: Did you have a nightmare, Homey? 1715%Homer: No, Bart bit me. 1715%Bart: Hey, man, you were crushing me. I tried to scream, but my mouth 1715% was full of flab. 1715%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1716%Burns: Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well, my body was 1716% crushed, so I had my head grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame. 1716%Homer: [trying to stay calm] I can wake up. It's all a dream. 1716% It's just a dream. 1716%Burns: Oh, that's right. It's all a dream... Or is it? [laughs diabolically] 1716% [Executive Producer credit appears] 1716%Announcer: Next week, on `The Simpsons'... 1716% [the breakfast table] 1716%Lisa: [puts down the newspaper] Don't forget, Dad, tonight my class is having 1716% an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner. 1716%Homer: Mmm... Spaghetti. 1716%Burns: [his head attached to Homer's shoulder] But Homer, tonight's our 1716% reception for Queen Beatrix of The Netherlands! 1716%Homer: Oh, I hate having two heads. 1716%-- ``Treehouse of Horror II'' 1717%Bart: Looks like I've got me a genuine glow-in-the-dark police badge! 1717% [hunts through the box of cereal] 1717% Hey, it's not in here. You stole it! 1717%Lisa: No one wants your stupid police badge, Bart. 1717%Homer: [coming in] Hey, look what I got! A genuine official police badge! 1717% ``Calling all cars! Come out with your hands up!'' Heh heh heh. 1717%Bart: Hey, that's my badge, Homer. 1717%Homer: That's Homer! Hee hee hee hee. 1717%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1718%You ate my homework!? I didn't know dogs did that... 1718%-- Bart to Santa's Little Helper, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1719%Ms.K: Bart Simpson, you're late. Go fill out a tardy slip. 1719%Bart: But I'm only five... [looks at the clock] ten, twenty... 1719% Forty minutes! That's pretty damn late! 1719%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1720%Lisa: I'm going to eat eight pieces of chocolate! 1720%Wendell?: I'm going to each chocolate 'til I barf! 1720%-- Field trip to the chocolate factory, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1721%Principal Skinner: Here's a whole box of unsealed envelopes for the PTA! 1721%Bart: You're making me lick envelopes? 1721%P.S.: Oh, licking envelopes can be fun! All you have to do is make a game 1721% of it. 1721%Bart: What kind of game? 1721%P.S.: Well, for example, you could see how many you could lick in an hour, 1721% then try to break that record. 1721%Bart: Sounds like a pretty crappy game to me. 1721%P.S.: Yes, well... Get started. 1721%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1722%I think this is something Bart would really have enjoyed. 1722%But it's the only way he'll learn... 1722%-- Lisa, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1723%Welcome to the Chocolate Factory. I'm Troy McClure! You probably remember 1723%me from such films as `The Revenge of Abe Lincoln', and `The Wackiest 1723%Covered Wagon in the West'. 1723%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1724%[haunting native American music plays, scene changes to an Aztec pyramid] 1724%The history of chocolate begins with the ancient Aztecs. 1724%[see a hand holding an `Ah Fudge' candy bar] 1724%In those days, instead of being wrapped in a hygienic package, 1724%chocolate was wrapped in a tobacco leaf. 1724%[candy bar changes to a coiled tobacco leaf] 1724%And instead of being pure chocolate, like we have today, it was 1724%mixed with shredded tobacco. 1724%[pull back to see a smiling Aztec fellow holding the cigar-shaped tobacco leaf] 1724%And they didn't eat it, they smoked it! 1724%[Aztec lights it, takes a puff, and smiles broadly] 1724%-- Educational film at the chocolate factory, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1725%Tony: Pick a horse, kid. We're putting two dollars on the third race. 1725% Make it a good one. 1725%Bart: Eat my shorts! 1725%Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] 1725% Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is 1725% in the fifth race! I said the race! 1725%Bart: Don't have a cow! 1725%Tony: Mm.. [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, 1725% put a deuce on him. 1725%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1726%As they come out of the turn, it's Sufferin' Succotash by a neck over 1726%Yabba-Dabba-Doo, two lengths back Ain't I a Stinker and That's All Folks. 1726%I Yam What I Yam can see them all, but here comes Don't Have a Cow flying on 1726%the outside, and coming down to the wire, it's all Don't Have a Cow! 1726%-- The third race, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1727%Homer: How much does it pay? 1727%Bart: Thirty bucks a week! 1727%Homer: Pfft! I make more than that. 1727%-- Bart gets a part-time job, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1728%It's funny because it's true. 1728%-- Fat Tony, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1729%Fat Tony: Chief Wiggum! You honor us with your presence. 1729%Chief Wiggum: Baloney! I'm not going to rest until one of us is behind bars. 1729% You! You wouldn't happen to know anything about a cigarette 1729% truck that got hijacked on Route 401? 1729%Fat Tony: What's a truck? 1729%Chief Wiggum: Don't play dumb with me! 1729%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1730%Wiggum: Let me assure all you smokers out there that there is 1730% shortage of cigarettes. 1730%Reporter: [shouts] How do we know that? 1730%Wiggum: Um, let me refer that question back to Jack Larson, Laramie Tobacco 1730% Products. Jack? 1730%Jack: Thank you, Chief. Folks, I'm pleased to announce that a new truckload 1730% of Laramie's, with their smoooooth good taste of fresh tobacco 1730% flavor is already heading towards Springfield. The driver been 1730% instructed to ignore all stop signs and crosswalks. [all cheer] 1730%-- Press conference, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1731%Lisa: [somewhat shocked] Bart, is your boss a crook? 1731%Bart: I don't think so. Although it would explain an awful lot. 1731%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1732%Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks? 1732%Tony: Bart, um, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving 1732% family? 1732%Bart: No. 1732%Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal 1732% a truckload of bread to feed them? 1732%Bart: Uh uh. 1732%Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes? 1732%Bart: I guess that's okay. 1732%Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price 1732% that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart? 1732%Bart: Hell, no! 1732%Tony: Enjoy your gift. 1732%-- What if he puts jelly on it? ``Bart the Murderer'' 1733%Give me three fingers of milk, Ma. 1733%-- Bart, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1734%Marge: I'm not sure about the people Bart's working for. 1734% I think they're criminals. 1734%Homer: A job's a job. I mean, take me. If my plant pollutes the water 1734% and poisons the town, by your logic, that would make me a criminal. 1734%-- Guilt by association? ``Bart the Murderer'' 1735%Marge: That pizza delivery truck has been parked across the street for 1735% two weeks. [looking at a pizza delivery truck conspicuously 1735% equipped with a satellite dish] 1735%[inside the truck, loaded with electronic snooping equipment] 1735%Marge's voice: How long does it take to deliver a pizza? 1735%Man 1: Looks like our cover's blown. 1735%Man 2: Let's roll. [the truck speeds off] 1735%[back in the bedroom] 1735%Homer: See? It was all your imagination. 1735%[another truck pulls into the spot that was vacated. The sign painted 1735% on the side? Flowers 1735% By 1735% Irene] 1735%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1736%Homer: [playing poker] 1736% Heh heh! Read 'em and weep, boys. Another pair of sixes! 1736%Tony: [folding with four aces] Beats me. 1736%Man: I was... bluffing. 1736%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1737%Tony: I am thrilled you decided to let your boy continue to work here. 1737%Homer: You know, if you need a hat-check girl, I've got a daughter. 1737%Tony: Homer, you're a helluva father. 1737%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1738%Secretary: Some large men to see you, sir. 1738%Skinner: Um, I don't have any appointment with any large men. 1738% [Fat Tony and two heavies come in] 1738%Fat Tony: You Skinner? 1738%Skinner: Skinner, yes. And how, may I ask, did you get 1738% past the hall monitors? 1738%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1739%I can assure you that we're using the most advanced scientific techniques 1739%in the field of... [searching for the word] body-finding. 1739%-- Police Chief Wiggum's briefing, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1740%Gypsy: [roaming her hands over a picture of Skinner] 1740% I see wedding bells for Vanna White and Teddy Kennedy. 1740%Wiggum: Please, Princess Opal, if we could just stick to Principal Skinner. 1740%Gypsy: Chief Wiggum, I am merely a conduit for the spirits. 1740% [gasp] Willie Nelson will astound his fans by swimming 1740% the English Channel. 1740%Wiggum: Really? Willie Nelson? 1740%-- Would she lie to you? ``Bart the Murderer'' 1741%Lewis: [covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body! 1741%Bart: That is not funny, Lewis. 1741%Milhouse: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot. 1741%Student: Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us 1741% at lunch. 1741%Nelson: I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters. 1741%Bart: That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation. 1741% I know the law, you can't prove anything. 1741%-- He was like that when I got there. ``Bart the Murderer'' 1742%Bart: Reverend Lovejoy! You've come to comfort me? 1742%Rev.: Yes, Bart. [pats Bart] [emotionlessly] There there. 1742% [pats some more] There there. 1742%-- An enormous help, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1743%Bart: Did you kill my principal? 1743%Tony: Uh, Chinese guy with a moustache? 1743%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1744%Oh Bart, why couldn't you have gotten a paper route like other boys? 1744%-- Marge, when Bart is arrested for murder, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1745%Bart: What's that guy doing here? 1745%Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you against 1745% charges of... [reads the deposition] Murder One! Wow! Even if 1745% I , I'll be famous! 1745%-- Inherit the Windbag, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1746%Smithers: That Simpsons boy is looking at 180 years. 1746%Burns: Thank God we live in a country so hysterical over crime that a 1746% ten-year-old child can be tried as an adult. 1746%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1747%Tony: I didn't order this Skinner guy killed... 1747%D.A.: But aren't you the head of this gang? 1747%Tony: No. I just stop by the club occasionally to read the complimentary 1747% newspaper. 1747%D.A.: Then who is the kingpin, the [jargon I can't make out] 1747%Tony: That's the guy! [fingers Bart] 1747%All: [gasp] 1747%Bart: Hey! 1747%Tony: Forgive me, Don Bartholomew. 1747%-- Is... ``Bart the Murderer'' 1748%Hutz: Mr. Simpson, you've been the boy's father for ten years. 1748% Do you really think he could be the leader of a murderous 1748% criminal syndicate? 1748%Homer: Well, not the leader, I mean... [cries] Oh, it's true, it's true! 1748% All the pieces fit! [bawls] 1748%-- Is... ``Bart the Murderer'' 1749%Now, in light of the damning testimony from your fellow gangsters, your 1749%father, your teachers, and the seemingly endless parade of emotionally 1749%shattered babysitters... 1749%-- The Judge's summing-up, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1750%Wiggum: Find anything this time, boys? 1750%Cop: Uh, no sign of him, Chief. 1750%Wiggum: Princess Opal? 1750%Opal: I see nothing here, but I'm afraid it's splitsville for Delta 1750% Burke and Major Dad. 1750%Wiggum: But they seem so happy! 1750%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1751%Judge: Case dismissed! 1751%Hutz: Your honor... Do I still get paid? 1751%-- Pro bono pocketo, ``Bart the Murderer'' 1752%Tony: Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings. 1752%Bart: Get bent. 1752%Tony: I deserved that. 1752%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1753%Tony: Me and the boys, we still think you got a big future in racketeering 1753% and extortion. 1753%Bart: Sorry, Fat Tony. I used to think your gang was cool. But now 1753% I learned that crime doesn't pay. 1753%Tony: Yeah, you're right. [leaves in his expensive limo, complete with 1753% pretty woman] 1753%-- Do as I say... ``Bart the Murderer'' 1754%Announcer: Blood on the Blackboard! The Bart Simpson story! 1754% Starring Richard Chamberlain as Principal Skinner, Joe Montegna 1754% as Fat Tony, Jane Seymour as the woman he loved, and TV's Doogie 1754% Howser, Neil Patrick Harris, as Bart Simpson! 1754%`Tony': Bart, I'm scared. Let's get out of here. 1754%`Bart': Shut up! Where do you want it, Skinner? 1754%`Skinner': [spits on him] 1754%`Bart': Not smart. [pumps him full of lead] 1754%Bart: Cool! 1754%Homer: Hey, when do we get the check for this? 1754%Marge: Well, they said they changed it just enough so they don't have to 1754% pay us. 1754%Homer: Oh, you know who the crooks are? Those sleazy Hollywood 1754% producers! 1754%-- ``Bart the Murderer'' 1755%Homer: Here's good news! According to this eye-catching article, 1755% SAT scores are declining at a slower rate! 1755%Lisa: Dad, I think this paper is a flimsy hodgepodge of pie graphs, 1755% factoids and Larry King. 1755%Homer: Hey, this is the only paper in America that's not afraid to tell 1755% the truth, that everything is just fine. 1755%-- Reading US of A TODAY, ``Homer Defined'' 1756%Bart: [inscribing a card] 1756% ``To me bestest bud, Milhouse. Happy Birthday. Bart.'' 1756%Lisa: Bart, that's so sweet. May I see the card? [reads] ``Hey there, 1756% ten-year-old! I couldn't afford to get you a new drum...'' 1756% [opens the card, revealing a picture of a well-endowed woman] 1756% [reading with lost enthusiasm] ``So how about a nice pair of 1756% bongos''? Ewww... 1756%-- Amen, sister, ``Homer Defined'' 1757%They're official Krusty the Clown walkie-talkies! 1757%I'll keep one and you keep one. 1757%Now, whenever you want to talk to me, just call me on the phone 1757%and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie. 1757%-- Bart, explaining his gift to Milhouse, ``Homer Defined'' 1758%Martin: Milhouse, I'd like to express my appreciation for Saturday. 1758% Jelly bean basket, personalized noisemakers. 1758% But the little touches are what made it enduring! 1758%Bart: What's he talking about? 1758%Milhouse: Uh... Hey! Look at that dog! Isn't that something! 1758%Bart: [sees a rather plain dog] Wow, brown! 1758%-- How to change the subject, method 3. ``Homer Defined'' 1759%Whoa, Springfield Elementary, last stop! 1759%Oh, and by the way, I'd like to say Thanks, and applose[?] applause to 1759%birthday boy Milhouse for his totally bitchin' party on Saturday! 1759%Oh, and Milhouse, I think I left my pants on your roof. 1759%-- Otto's announcement (emergencies only), ``Homer Defined'' 1760%Bye, little dudes! Don't learn anything I wouldn't learn! 1760%-- Otto drops the kids off at school, ``Homer Defined'' 1761%Burns: So, what did you do this weekend, Smithers? 1761%Smithers: Well, I caught up on my laundry, wrote a letter to my mother, 1761% oh, here a kicker, and I took Hercules out to be clipped. 1761%Burns: Who the devil is Hercules? 1761%Smithers: Oh, he's my Yorkshire terrier, sir. He's kind of tiny, so you 1761% know, it's a joke. Here's a picture of Herky. [shows a wallet 1761% photo] 1761%Burns: Ugh. Well, Smithers, don't you know how to paint the town red! 1761%-- Hercules and the Lion? ``Homer Defined'' 1762%Burns: I took in a movie. An appalling little piece of filth. 1762% Its leading lady was a blonde harlot who spent half the 1762% film strolling around naked as a jaybird! 1762%Smithers: [gasp] 1762%Burns: No, just give the Great Unwashed a pair of oversized breasts 1762% and a happy ending, and they'll oink for more every time. 1762%[Homer talking with his coworkers] 1762%Homer: What a movie! And that blonde cutie! Does she have assets! [oinks] 1762%-- Wallowing in filth, ``Homer Defined'' 1763%[poking at each jelly donut in turn] 1763%[poke] Igh, lemon. [poke] Ugh, cherry. [poke] Ooh, custard. 1763%[poke] Mmmmm.... purple... 1763%-- Homer, enjoying the finer things in life, ``Homer Defined'' 1764%Apu: Otto, do you know there's a small child inside your bus? 1764%Otto: [sees Bart] Ooh, good thing you warned me. I was on my way to Mexico! 1764%-- Tijuana Schoolbus, ``Homer Defined'' 1765%Voice: Warning... Problem in Sector 7-G. 1765%Burns: 7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there? 1765%Smithers: [calls up a video file photo of a hairful Homer] 1765% Homer Simpson, sir. 1765%Burns: Simpson, eh? Good man? Intelligent? 1765%Smithers: [reluctantly] Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap. 1765%Burns: [sarcastically] Thank you, President Ford. 1765%-- Quality is Job One, ``Homer Defined'' 1766%Homer: [waking up to the sound of loud rhythmic buzzing] 1766% Huh? ... Noise! ... Bad noise! 1766%Voice: [calmly] Five minutes before critical mass... 1766%Homer: Critical what!? [trying to calm down] 1766% Okay, okay, don't panic, whosever problem this is, I'm sure they 1766% know how to handle it... [the jelly covering the dial pops off] 1766% Huh? Aaagh!! It's problem!!! We're doomed!!!! 1766%Voice: [as steel doors seal off the safety control room] 1766% [calmly] Sector 7-G is now being isolated... 1766%-- It has been our pleasure to serve you, ``Homer Defined'' 1767%You know, once, my old lady ran off and married my brother. 1767%Well, it hurt, but here it is a month later, and I'm sleeping on 1767%their couch! 1767%-- Otto-Man, ``Homer Defined'' 1768%Announcer: We interrupt `Search for the Sun' for this special news bulletin. 1768% Meltdown Crisis: The First Couple of Minutes. 1768%Brockman: [surrounded by comb and hair dryer] Forget the hair, just give 1768% me the blush! [realizes the cameras are on him] Oh, we're on. 1768%-- Ready for anything, ``Homer Defined'' 1769%Kent: On the line with us now is plant owner C. Montgomery Burns. Mr. Burns? 1769%Burns: Oh, hello, Kent. [as loud rhythmic buzzing continues in the background] 1769% Right now, skilled nuclear energy technicians are calmly correcting 1769% a minor, piffling malfunction. [rapid-fire shots of havoc in the plant] 1769% But I can assure you and the public that there is absolutely no danger 1769% whatsoever. [air raid siren wails] Things couldn't be more ship-shape. 1769% [cut to Burns' office, where he is busy donning a radiation suit] 1769%Smithers: Sir, where is radiation suit? 1769%Burns: How the hell should I know? [covers the name `Smithers' on the suit 1769% he is wearing] 1769%Kent: Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown. 1769%Burns: [laughs] Oh, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer 1769% to call it an unrequested fission surplus. 1769%-- Obfuscatory sesquipedalianism, ``Homer Defined'' 1770%Homer: [panicking, as warning sirens wail] Gotta think, gotta think... 1770% Okay, somewhere there's a thingie that tells you how to work this 1770% stuff. The uh, the uh, the manual! The manual! Right! 1770% [hunts under the console] [finds it] 1770% Agh! It's as fat as a phone book! [opens to first page] [reads] 1770% `Congratulations on your purchase of a Fissionator 1952 Slow-Fission 1770% Reactor'... D'oh! Get to the point, man! [finds an insert] 1770% Ooh, what's this? [unfolds it, it's a giant schematic] 1770% D'oh! Who'd have thought a nuclear reactor would be so complicated! 1770%-- Everything is under control, sort of, ``Homer Defined'' 1771%Voice: [cheerfully] Ninety seconds to core meltdown. 1771%Smithers: Sir, there may be never be another time to say... I love you, sir. 1771%Burn: [disgusted] Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moment 1771% on earth socially awkward. 1771%-- The moment of truth, ``Homer Defined'' 1772%Moe: Looks like this is the end... 1772%Barney: Oh, that's all right. I couldn'ta led a richer life. 1772%-- Core meltdown is imminent, ``Homer Defined'' 1773%Kent: After the meltdown, we can expect roving bands of... 1773%Abe: Ah, I don't like this program. 1773%Jasper: Change the channel. 1773% [woman does so] 1773%TV: Wheel! Of! Fortune!! 1773%-- Dame Fortune smiles, ``Homer Defined'' 1774%Marge: [praying] Dear Lord. If you spare this town from becoming 1774% a smoking hole in the ground, I'll try to be a better Christian. 1774% I don't know what I can do... Mm... Oh, the next time there's 1774% a canned food drive, I'll give the poor something they'd actually 1774% like, instead of old lima beans and pumpkin mix. 1774%-- Throw in a coupla Hail Mary's and we might have a deal, ``Homer Defined'' 1775%Homer: Okay okay, think back to your training... 1775% [begin flashback] 1775%Trainer: Now, Homer, this may very well save your life one day. 1775% This... Homer? 1775%Homer: [playing with a Rubik's cube] Yeah? 1775%Trainer: Please pay attention. This button here controls the emergency 1775% override circuit. In the event of a meltdown, push this button 1775% and only this button. 1775%Homer: [completing a side of the cube] Ooh, a side! 1775%Trainer: Simpson! 1775%Homer: What? 1775%Trainer: You see which button I'm pushing? 1775%Homer: [not looking] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Push the button. Got it. 1775% [end flashback] 1775% This is all your fault! [throws Rubik's cube away] 1775%-- Well, at least he remembered the general idea, ``Homer Defined'' 1776%Voice: [pleasantly] Thirty seconds to core meltdown. 1776%Burns: Oh, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left but to kiss 1776% my sorry ass good-bye. 1776%Smithers: May I, sir? 1776%Burns: Ugh. 1776%-- Just asking, ``Homer Defined'' 1777%Prof. John Fink: [indicating on a map] These unfortunate people here will 1777% be instantly killed. [indicating] This circle, which I am sad to say 1777% we are in, will experience a slower, considerably more painful death. 1777%Kent: Good Lord! 1777%-- Analyzed to death? ``Homer Defined'' 1778%Skinner: They called me old-fashioned for teaching the duck-and-cover 1778% method, but who's laughing now! 1778%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1779%Voice: All systems returning to normal. Danger in 7-G neutralized. 1779% Have a nice day. 1779%-- It's been a pleasure serving you, ``Homer Defined'' 1780%Man: [emerges from closet, fixing his tie] 1780%Woman: Will I ever see you again? 1780%Man: Sure, baby. Next meltdown. 1780%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1781%TV: I'd like to solve the puzzle. `Three Loins in the Fountain'. [buzz] 1781%-- Wheel of Misfortune, ``Homer Defined'' 1782%Burns: [voice only] 1782% Yes, we've isolated the problem. Wouldn't you know, false alarm. 1782%Marge: Phew! 1782%Burns: It seems a single wayward crow flew into our warning system. 1782%Kent: Very good. Well, sir, your point about nuclear hysteria is well-taken. 1782% This reporter promises to be more trusting and less vigilant 1782% in the future. 1782%Burns: [in his office, still wearing his radiation suit] 1782% Excellent. Well, ta! 1782%-- Hardly a post-apocalyptic war zone, ``Homer Defined'' 1783%Milhouse: Bart, my mom won't let me be your friend any more. 1783% That's why you couldn't come to the party. 1783%Bart: What's she got against me? 1783%Milhouse: She says you're a bad influence. 1783%Bart: [slams his hand on the table] Bad influence, my ass! 1783% How many times have I told you? Never listen to your mother! 1783%-- What he said, ``Homer Defined'' 1784%Karl: Hey, way to save our lives! 1784%Len: Yeah, we owe you one! 1784%Homer: Yeah, you know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. 1784% You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons. 1784%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1785%Burns: Oh, and what's this? A congratulatory phone call from Earvin 1785% `Magic' Johnson? 1785%Homer: [gasps] Magic Johnson!? [picks up the phone] Yello? 1785%Magic: [calling from the arena] Is this really Homer Simpson? 1785%Homer: Yeah. 1785%Magic: Wow. Homer, I just used our last time-out to call and congratulate 1785% you on averting that nuclear holocaust. 1785%-- On his way to Disneyland, ``Homer Defined'' 1786%Lisa: [laughing at an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon] 1786% Bart, you're not laughing. Too subtle? 1786%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1787%Marge: [reading the plaque] For heroic competence, for narrowly 1787% averting a meltdown, and proving without question that 1787% nuclear power is completely safe. Employee of the Month! 1787%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1788%A role model in my very own home. How convenient! 1788%-- Lisa, ``Homer Defined'' 1789%Homer: Look, I get enough admiration and respect at work! 1789% I don't need it here at home! 1789%-- No argument from Bart, ``Homer Defined'' 1790%Marge: How are you enjoying your ham, Homey? 1790%Homer: Tastes so bitter, it's like ashes in my mouth... 1790%Marge: Hm. It's actually more of a honey glaze. 1790%Lisa: Maybe you ate a clove. 1790%-- Marge and Lisa uncharacteristically miss a metaphor, ``Homer Defined'' 1791%Homer: [angrily] What's problem, boy? 1791%Bart: I had a fight with Milhouse. 1791%Homer: That four-eyes with a big nose? You don't need friends like that. 1791%Lisa: How Zen... 1791%-- Dinner conversation, ``Homer Defined'' 1792%Homer: What is it? What are you doing? 1792%Lisa: Looking at you with quiet awe. 1792%Homer: Well, as long as it's quiet. 1792%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1793%Burns: Ah, Simpson, here's someone I want you to meet. 1793% Aristotle Amodopoulos, owner of the Shelbyville Nuclear Power 1793% Facility. It seems Ari's been having terrible worker 1793% problems at Shelbyville. 1793%Ari: They've lost their zest for work. You must help them find their 1793% ine-haratu-nadzu-leri [or whatever]. 1793%Homer: Their ine-aratu-zoola-what? 1793%Ari: Yes! 1793%-- Just checking, ``Homer Defined'' 1794%We want you to give them a pep talk that turns them from a bunch of 1794%donut-eating goof-offs into a pack of Homer Simpsons! 1794%-- Burns seems to have missed the point, ``Homer Defined' 1795%Maggie: [playing Monopoly with Bart] 1795% [removes her pacifier, coughs up a hotel] 1795%Marge: Bart, don't feed your sister hotels. 1795%Bart: [holding up the box] Don't worry, Mom. There's tons of these things. 1795%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1796%Marge: Why don't you go play with Milhouse? 1796%Bart: I don't want to play with Milhouse. 1796%Marge: You mean you still haven't made up with him? 1796%Bart: It's his mom. She says I'm a bad influence. 1796% [takes Maggie's hand] Come on, Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that 1796% hornet's nest. 1796%Marge: Mmm... 1796%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1797%Marge: Mrs. Van Houten? I'm Bart's mother. We met in the emergency room 1797% when the boys drank paint? 1797%Mrs.V: I remember. 1797%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1798%Marge: I know Bart can be a handful, but I also know what he's like inside. 1798% He's got a spark. It's not a bad thing. ... Of course, it makes 1798% him bad things... 1798%Mrs.V: Well, Marge, the other day, Milhouse told me my meatloaf `sucks'. 1798% He must've gotten that from your little boy, because they 1798% certainly say that on TV. 1798%-- Of course, ``Homer Defined'' 1799%Barney: So next time somebody tells you carney folk are good, honest people, 1799% you can spit in their faces for me! 1799%Lisa: I will, Mr. Gumbel, but if you'll excuse me, I'm profiling my dad 1799% for the school paper. I thought it would be neat to follow him around 1799% for a day to see what makes him tick. 1799%Barney: Aw, that's sweet. I used to follow my dad to a lot of bars, too. 1799% [belch] 1799%-- ``Homer Defined'' 1800%Moe: Here you go, one beer [sets it in front of Lisa]. One chocolate 1800% milk. [sets it in front of Homer] 1800%Lisa: Uh, excuse me, had the chocolate milk. 1800%Moe: Oh. 1800%-- They're so hard to tell apart, ``Homer Defined'' 1801%What's the matter, Homer? The depressing effects of alcohol usually 1801%don't kick in 'til closing time. 1801%-- Moe, ``Homer Defined'' 1802%Lisa: He's just a little nervous. He has to give a speech tomorrow on 1802% how to keep cool in a crisis. 1802%Homer: [shaking Lisa in a panic] What am I going to do!? 1802% What am I going to do!? 1802%-- You could see that gag coming, couldn't you? ``Homer Defined'' 1803%Barney: I had to give a speech once. I was pretty nervous, so I used a 1803% little trick. I picture everyone in their underwear. 1803% The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody. 1803%Homer: Did it work? 1803%Barney: I'm a free man, ain't I? 1803%-- A mixed blessing, ``Homer Defined'' 1804%Milhouse: [on the walkie talkie] Milhouse to Bart. Do you want to come 1804% over and play? 1804%Bart: Really? We can be friends again? Did your mom die? 1804%Milhouse: Um, I don't think so. 1804%Bart: Well, who cares. 1804%-- Would you like to check? ``Homer Defined'' 1805%As I look out into this sea of smiling faces, I am filled with a sense of 1805%[suddenly turns nasty] loathing and revulsion! You are not workers! You 1805%are a pack of mangy, cud-chewing, ugly goats! 1805%-- Aristotle Amodopoulos gives his employees a pep talk, ``Homer Defined'' 1806%Homer: [nervously reading a speech] Grace under pressure is no... 1806%Voice: [sirens wail] Three minutes to meltdown. 1806% [the auditorium empties in a panic] 1806%Homer: Phew! Saved by the bell. 1806%-- Ask not for whom the bell tolls, ``Homer Defined'' 1807%Crisis has been averted. Everything is super. 1807%-- Computer announcement, ``Homer Defined'' 1808%Eenie meenie miney moe. 1808%Is Homer a hero? The answer is, `No'. 1808%I'm Kent Brockman, and that was `My Two Cents'. 1808%-- A brief editorial, ``Homer Defined'' 1809%Bart: Okay, Milhouse, how many Krusty autographs should I put you 1809% down for? 1809%Milhouse: A hundred! 1809%Bart: Consider it done. 1809%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1810%Dear Krusty: This is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302, respectfully 1810%returning his badge. I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. 1810%Now I know for sure. Get bent! -- Bart Simpson 1810%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1811%Krusty: [dials 1-900-SEX-CHAT] 1811%Voice: You've reached the Party Line! In a moment, you'll be connected to 1811% a hot party, with some of the world's most beautiful women! Now, 1811% let's join the party! 1811% [five-way split screen, showing five men] 1811%Krusty: Hello? 1811%Man 1: Hello? 1811%Man 2: Hello? 1811%Apu: Are there any women here? 1811%Krusty: Hello!? 1811%Apu: Are you a beautiful woman? 1811%Krusty: [angrily] Do I sound like a beautiful woman? 1811%Apu: This is not as hot a party as I anticipated. 1811%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1812%Marge: [gently reminding] Bart, wipe your feet. 1812%Bart: Why bother? They'll just get dirty again. 1812%-- A different point of view, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1813%[a rap at the door in the `Shave and a Haircut' rhythm, with horn honks 1813% and Krusty's laugh in place of `Two Bits'.] 1813%Homer: You think it's him? 1813%-- Waiting for Krusty, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1814%Krusty: [entertaining the family by riding a unicycle while balancing 1814% a plant on his nose] 1814%Bart: Krusty, you don't have to be `on' tonight. 1814%Homer: What are you talking about! Of course he does! 1814%Lisa: No Dad, Krusty is our guest. Your pratfalls and Punchinello 1814% antics aren't necessary here. 1814%Krusty: Really? 1814%Bart: Yeah, just relax and be yourself. 1814%Krusty: Oh, that's a relief. [gets down from unicycle, removes plant from 1814% nose (revealing that it was attached via suction cup), and releasing a 1814% chimp on roller skates] Go wait in the car. [the chimp skates away] 1814%Homer: Aw, we could have seen the monkey! 1814%-- To complement the baboon, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1815%Marge: Who wants to say Grace? 1815%Lisa: Why don't we let our guest do it? 1815%Milhouse: Bless us O Lord... 1815%Bart: [whaps Milhouse] 1815%Milhouse: Hey! [rubs his ample nose] 1815%-- My Dinner with Krusty, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1816%Krusty: [saying a pre-meal blessing] 1816% Baruch atah adonai, 1816% eloheinu, melech ha'olam, 1816% hamotzi lechem min ha'aretz. 1816%Homer: Hee hee hee hee hee! He's talking funny-talk! 1816%Lisa: No Dad, that's Hebrew! Krusty must be Jewish. 1816%Homer: A Jewish entertainer? Get out of here! 1816%Lisa: Dad, there are many prominent Jewish entertainers, including 1816% Lauren Bacall, Dinah Shore, William Shatner, and Mel Brooks. 1816%Homer: Mel Brooks is Jewish!?! 1816%-- Who would've known? ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1817%Bart: Krusty, are you all right? 1817%Krusty: Yes, it's just that saying the bracha brings back a lot of 1817% painful memories, the old days, my... my father... [bawls] 1817%Homer: Hey, Krusty, you going to finish that meatloaf or what? 1817%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1818%Poor Krusty. He's like a black velvet painting come to life. 1818%-- Lisa, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1819%My name isn't Krusty the Klown. It's Herschel Krustofsky. My father was 1819%a rabbi. father was a rabbi. His father's fath--- Well, you get 1819%the idea. 1819%-- Big shoes to fill with small feet (like all good-hearted people), 1819% ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1820%Man 1: Should I finish college? 1820%Rabbi K: Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge. 1820%Woman: [babe in arms] Rabbi, should I have another child? 1820%Rabbi K: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house. 1820%Man 2: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler? 1820%Rabbi K: Eh, couldn't you rephrase that as a, as an ethical question? 1820%Man 2: Um... Is it right to buy a Chrysler? 1820%Rabbi K: Oh, yes! [chuckles] For great is the car with power steering 1820% and dynaflow suspension! 1820%-- It is written... ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1821%Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps. 1821%Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you. 1821%Homer: Why you little! [strangles Bart] 1821%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1822%Rabbi K: You know that my son Herschel was first in his yeshiva class? 1822% As a matter of fact, he was voted `The most likely to hear God'. 1822%Rabbi 2: Oh, go on, Hyman, you're exaggerating again, you're so proud of 1822% your son. 1822%Rabbi K: A rabbi would never exaggerate! A rabbi composes. He creates 1822% thoughts. He tells stories that may never have happened. 1822% But he does not exaggerate! 1822%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1823%Oy vey's mir! You have brought shame on our family! 1823%Oh, if you were a musician or a jazz singer, this I could forgive. 1823%-- Rabbi Krustofsky to his son the clown, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1824%Bart: Krusty, do you think about your father a lot? 1824%Krusty: All the time. Except when I'm at the track. Then it's all business. 1824%-- Keeping those emotions in check, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1825%Krusty: So, uh, Milhouse, know any knock-knock jokes? 1825%Milhouse: [crying] I want to go home! 1825%-- The clown who came to dinner, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1826%Announcer: Academy Award Playhouse now returns you to... 1826% Hercules vs. the Martians! 1826%Martian: Welcome to our spaceship, mighty Hercules. Hahahaha. 1826%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1827%Rabbi K: [answering the phone] Hello. Hello? Anybody there? 1827% What's this, I hear the phone ring, and suddenly there's nothing. 1827% I'm listening and there's no talking. Hello, mister, who are you? 1827% Why would they call if they don't want to talk to you? [hangs up] 1827%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1828%Didn't Itchy Junior look happy playing with his father? And didn't Scratchy 1828%Junior look happy playing with his dad until they got run over by a thresher? 1828%-- Krusty asks the kids, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1829%A man who envies our family is a man who needs help. 1829%-- Lisa Simpson on Krusty the Klown, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1830%Bart: Reverend Lovejoy, we need you to help us find a rabbi. 1830%Rev.L: [flustered] Well, um, before you make any rash decisions, let me 1830% just remind you that the church is changing to meet the needs 1830% of today's young Christians! 1830%-- Church Chat, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1831%Lisa: We just want to find a Rabbi Krustofsky. 1831%Rev.L: Rabbi Krustofsky? Well, I do a radio call-in show with him every 1831% Sunday night! 1831%Bart: Really? 1831%Lisa: I didn't know that. 1831%Rev.L: Gee, uh, I mention it in my sermon every week. 1831%Bart: [false realization] Oh, oh, radio show! 1831%Lisa: [playing along] Oh yeah! It's all the kids talk about on Monday at 1831% school. 1831%-- Church Chat, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1832%Bart: Can you give us the rabbi's address? 1832%Rev.L: Oh, sure thing. Let me just check my non-Christian rolodex... 1832%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1833%Lisa: Excuse us, Rabbi Krustofsky? 1833%Rabbi K: Oh, what can I do for you, my young friend? 1833%Bart: We came to talk to you about your son. 1833%Rabbi K: I have no son! [slams the door] 1833%Bart: Oh great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy. 1833%Rabbi K: [opens the door] I didn't mean that literally! [slams the door] 1833%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1834%And, in order to keep our broadcasting licence, we devote Sunday night 1834%dead time to public service shows of limited appeal. 1834%-- It's funny 'cause it's true, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1835%Gabbin' about God, sponsored by Ace Religious Supply, where they say, 1835%``If we don't got it, it ain't holy.'' 1835%-- Or kosher, as appropriate, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1836%Announcer: And our first caller is from Shelbyville Heights. 1836%Caller: Yes, hi. With all the suffering and injustice in the world, 1836% do you ever wonder if God really exists? 1836%Rev. L: No. 1836%Msgr. D: [Irish accent] Not for a second. 1836%Rabbi K: Not at all. 1836%Announcer: Great, good conversation there. Our next call... 1836%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1837%Rabbi K: Hello? Anybody there? I hear breathing but I don't hear talking. 1837% What's going on here? Hello, mister? Hello, hello? 1837%Krusty: [sighs, hangs up] 1837%Rabbi K: Some people got nothing to do but call people and hang up. 1837% There's all kinds of mishegoyim in the world. 1837%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1838%Bart: Hello, my name's Dmitri. I'm a first-time caller, long-time 1838% listener. My question is, if a son defies his father and chooses 1838% a career that makes millions of children happy, shouldn't the 1838% father forgive the son? 1838%Rev. L: I think so. 1838%Msgr. D: Yes, of course. 1838%Rabbi K: No way! Absolutely not! Never, never! Who screens these calls? 1838% Who's in charge here? There's nobody in charge? They leave 1838% a building without people watching it, and anybody who wants can... 1838%-- Gabbing about God, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1839%Bart: Oy! This guy's tough. 1839%Lisa: Bart, we're going to have to outsmart him. 1839%Bart: I dunno, he's pretty sharp. He saw right through this disguise. 1839%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1840%Rabbi K: [answers phone] What? Saul Bellow? The Nobel-prize-winning 1840% Jewish novelist? He wants to have lunch with me? 1840% Ha ha! It's a date! Izzy's Deli, one o'clock, I'll be there! 1840%Krusty: [on the phone] The French government wants to give 1840% the Legion of Honor? Where do I receive this prestigious 1840% award? [writes] Izzy's Deli. One o'clock. [puts pencil 1840% down] Thank you, Monsieur President! 1840%Bart: [holding his nose] Au revoir! 1840%-- Heeding the call, or, Many are called... ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1841%Waitress: And for you, sir? 1841%Rabbi K: Ah, let's see. I want a nice sandwich. But the Joey Bishop, 1841% eh, too fatty. the Jackie Mason? I dunno, sauerkraut makes me 1841% gas. Bruce Willis? I don't even like his work! What is this? 1841% Krusty the Klown? 1841%Waitress: That's ham, sausage, and bacon, with a smidge of mayo. 1841%Rabbi K: What!? 1841%Waitress: On white bread. 1841%-- Izzy's Deli, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1842%Krusty: [humming the Marseillaise] Um, could you direct me to 1842% President Francois Mitterand's table? 1842%Waitress: You think you're funny? 1842%Krusty: Fifty million Frenchmen can't be wrong! 1842%-- You wanna bet? ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1843%Lisa: Bart, we've been going about this all wrong. What's the one thing 1843% rabbis prize above everything else? 1843%Bart: Those stupid hats? 1843%-- ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1844%We're going to hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica. 1844%-- Lisa Simpson on Rabbi Krustofsky, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1845%Agugugug. Glug glug glug. `Oh, Noah, Noah! Save us! Save us!' `No!' 1845%-- Bart plays with a biblical pop-up book, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1846%Bart: At all times, let a man be supple as a reed and not rigid 1846% as a cedar. 1846%Others: Ah, mm. [general murmers of appreciation] 1846%Rabbi K: But, my short learned friend, the book of Joshua says, ``You 1846% shall medidate on the torah all day and all night.'' 1846%Others: Ah, mm. [general murmers of appreciation] 1846%Man: All night? 1846%-- Dueling scriptures, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1847%Lisa: [tired] Here you go, Bart. It's a longshot, but that's all 1847% I can do without learning ancient Hebrew. 1847%Bart: [stares at her] 1847%Lisa: Bart! I am going to learn ancient Hebrew!! 1847%-- But you already know pig Latin, how much different can it be? 1847% ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1848%Moe: [moved to tears] I got something in my eye... 1848%Barney: Here, take my hankie. 1848%Moe: [sees Barney's filthy handkerchief] Agh! 1848%-- It's the thought that counts, ``Like Father, Like Clown'' 1849%Lisa: [on the phone] 1849% Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one. 1849%Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at? 1849%Lisa: I called her; she's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, 1849% Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught 1849% the snake in our basement. 1849%Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me. 1849%-- My one and only, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1850%Well, you're in for a whale of a show tonight. Uh, I'd like to point out 1850%that the doors are now locked, so you parents can't sneak out of the show 1850%after your own child as performed. Oh, and let me caution the people in 1850%the first five rows: You get wet. 1850%-- Principal Skinner opens the school talent contest, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1851%Homer: [sees sign: Open 10 - 7, checks his watch. It's 6:55] 1851% Whew! Just in the nick of 1851% [spots Moe's Tavern next door] 1851% Mmmmmm. Beeeeer. 1851%-- Your attention, please, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1852%Homer: Hurry, Moe, hurry, I've only got five minutes 'til the music store 1852% closes. 1852%Moe: Well, why don't you go there first? 1852%Homer: Hey! Do I tell you how to do job? 1852%Moe: Sorry, Homer. [draws a mug of beer] 1852%Homer: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top. 1852%Moe: Sorry, Homer. 1852%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1853%Jerry: What's the matter, buddy? 1853%Homer: The moron next door closed early! 1853%Jerry: I happen to be that moron. 1853%Homer: Oh... Me and my trenchant mouth! 1853%-- For whom the bold tells, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1854%Pr. Skinner: [watchs Milhouse's pathetic act] 1854% Oh terrible, just terrible. You know, they seem to get worse 1854% every year. [comes out on stage] 1854% Wonderful! You know, I think this is the best pageant we've 1854% ever had. I really do! 1854%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1855%Homer: Okay, okay, but I want you to see a picture of the little girl 1855% you're disappointing. [looks through his wallet] 1855% Well, I don't have one. 1855%-- Use your imagination, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1856%Moe: Come on, Jer, open up, be a pal. Remember when I pulled you and your 1856% wife out of that burning car? 1856%Jerry: Well, okay, okay. But now we're even. 1856%-- Begging Jerry to open his music shop, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1857%Jerry: What instrument does she play? 1857%Homer: ... [whining] I don't know... 1857%-- Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1858%Lisa: Mom, where is he? If I don't get that reed, I'll sound terrible! 1858%Marge: Don't worry, honey, I'm sure your father is... 1858% [imagines Homer fixing a flat tire] Maybe. 1858% [imagines Homer chased up a tree by a bear] No. 1858% [imagines Homer abducted by aliens] That's a long shot. 1858% [imagines Homer at Moe's Tavern] Bingo. 1858%-- Whatever remains, however improbable... ``Lisa's Pony'' 1859%Jerry: Clarinet? 1859%Homer: No. 1859%Jerry: Oboe? 1859%Homer: No. 1859%Jerry: Saxophone? 1859%Homer: No. Wait a minute, what was that last one again? 1859%Jerry: Saxophone! 1859%Homer: [recalls] Lisa, stop playing that stupid... saxophone! Yes, that's it! 1859%Jerry: Alto or tenor? 1859%Homer: D'oh! 1859%-- Buying a replacement reed for Lisa, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1860%[singing] My ding-a-ling. My ding-a-ling. 1860%I want you to play with my ding-a-ling... 1860%-- Student's entry in the school talent contest, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1861%Let's all enjoy Lisa Simpson's rendition of Stormy Leather, uh, Weather. 1861%-- Principal Skinner's reduction, er, introduction, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1862%Homer: Look, I let you down, and I apologize. I know that doesn't make it 1862% right, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. 1862%Lisa: [not convincingly] I forgive you. 1862%Homer: D'oh! You didn't mean that! 1862%Lisa: No, I didn't. 1862%-- Some things are not lost on Homer, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1863%Lisa: [as a baby, taking her first steps] 1863%Marge: [o.s.] Look, Homer! Lisa's taking her first steps! 1863%Homer: [engrossed in watching TV] You taping it? 1863%Marge: Yes. 1863%Homer: I'll watch it later. 1863%-- Let's go to the videotape, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1864%Tattoo: De plane! De plane! 1864%Mr. R: No, my freakish little friend. That's a seagull. 1864%-- Watching TV, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1865%Lisa: [as a baby, in her high chair] Dada? Dada? 1865%Marge: [o.s.] Did you hear that, Homer? 1865% [pan over to Homer strangling Bart] 1865%Homer: Marge, please, I'm busy! 1865%-- Lisa's first words, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1866%Maybe I should just cut my losses, give up on Lisa, and make a fresh start 1866%with Maggie. 1866%-- Homer, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1867%Marge: Homey, you've got to stop looking for the quick fix. If you keep 1867% spending time with Lisa, she'll forgive you. 1867%Homer: Marge, if I spend any more time doing these girl things, I'm going to, 1867% you know, go fruity. No, you were right the first time with that 1867% quick fix idea. 1867%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1868%Homer: I'll buy her that pony she's always bugging me for. 1868%Marge: We can't afford to buy a pony. 1868%Homer: Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford 1868% to buy a pony. 1868%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1869%Marge: You sound like you're going to buy a pony. Promise me you won't. 1869%Homer: Mm. 1869%Marge: What was that? Was that a yes or a no? 1869%Homer: Buh! 1869%Marge: Those aren't even words! 1869%Homer: Snuh! 1869%Marge: Mmmmm. [turns off the light] 1869%Homer: [huge grin] 1869%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1870%Oh my! What is that smell! [sees Homer] Oh, it's you. 1870%-- Pet shop owner, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1871%Homer: Excuse me, do you sell ponies? 1871%Owner: Uh, sure, pal. Right here. [points at a cage] 1871%Homer: [reads the sign] Scottish deer hound. [$259] Hey! This is a dog! 1871%Owner: Oh, my friend, you're smarter than I gave you credit for! 1871%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1872%Homer: Now lady, I'm buying a pony for my little girl, and I don't care what 1872% it costs. 1872%Lady: Very good. That stunning creature over there is half 1872% a million dollars. 1872%Homer: Half a million dollars!? 1872%Lady: He was sired by Seattle Slew, and his mother won the Kentucky Derby. 1872%Homer: Wow. 1872%Lady: His likeness graces a stamp in Tanzania. 1872%-- Shopping around for ``Lisa's Pony'' 1873%Isn't there a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from 1873%home? 1873%-- Homer shops for ``Lisa's Pony'' 1874%Burns: [appears behind the employee credit union desk] Hello. 1874%Homer: Ack! 1874%Burns: [reads the loan application] Simpson, eh? 1874%-- Paying for ``Lisa's Pony'' 1875%Burns: Are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws? 1875%Homer: [slowly] Usury? 1875%Burns: Oh, silly me! I must've just made up a word that doesn't exist. 1875%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony'' 1876%Smithers: You have any collateral? 1876%Burns: Oh, Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. 1876%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony'' 1877%Burns: Just sign this form, and the money will be yours. Muhahahahaha.... 1877% Ahem. Sorry, I was just um, eh, um, thinking of something funny 1877% Smithers did today. 1877%Smithers: I didn't do anything funny today. 1877%Burns: [hand over mouth] Shut! up! 1877%-- Approving Homer's loan to pay for ``Lisa's Pony'' 1878%Lady: Mr. Simpson, are you quite sure you know how to take care of a pony? 1878%Homer: [shoving the pony into the back seat] Of course! 1878%-- Buying ``Lisa's Pony'' 1879%Bart: Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony? 1879%Homer: Because she stopped loving me. 1879%Bart: I don't love you either, so give me a moped. 1879%Homer: Well, I know you love me, so you don't get squat. Hee hee hee. 1879%-- The squeaky wheel gets the squat, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1880%Marge: Homer, just where were you planning to keep this horse? 1880%Homer: I got it all figured out. By day, it'll roam free around the 1880% neighborhood, and at night, it'll nestle snugly between the cars 1880% in our garage. 1880%Lisa: Dad, no! 1880%Marge: That's illegal! 1880%Homer: That's for the courts to decide! 1880%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1881%This is what love costs a month? 1881%-- Homer sees the $530/month bill for stable fees to house ``Lisa's Pony'' 1882%Lady: I'm teaching your daughter riding, grooming, and at no extra charge, 1882% pronunciation. 1882%Lisa: [atop Princess, in riding gear] 1882% Fahther, you've made me the happiest gahl who ever lived! 1882%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1883%Grampa: [fumbling with the joystick] What do I do? 1883%Bart: Grampa, you want to go to the right? 1883%Grampa: Yes? 1883%Bart: Move the joystick to the left. 1883%Grampa: Yes, move the... What's a joystick! You didn't tell me... 1883%Bart: Ooh, ahh, ooh, ooh, here comes a 1883% Xylon Cruiser! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 1883%Grampa: A Xylon Cruiser!? 1883%Bart: Go into hyperspace! Ready? Hit it! 1883%Grampa: Wha? WHERE'S THE HYPERSPACE! 1883%Bart: Grampa, you're the spaceship, not the... 1883%Grampa: I'm the what!? I thought I was 1883% guy. [the ship explodes] Ohhhhh! 1883%Bart: Game's over, Grampa. 1883%Grampa: I got down on the floor for this!? 1883%-- Playing video games, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1884%Lisa: Wait Dad, I've got something for you. [kisses him] 1884%Homer: Oh, I was hoping it'd be money. 1884%-- How to pay for ``Lisa's Pony'' 1885%Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries. 1885%Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases 1885% she doesn't even have! 1885%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1886%First you didn't want me to get the pony. Now you want me to take it back! 1886%Make up your mind! 1886%-- Homer argues with Marge over ``Lisa's Pony'' 1887%Homer: There's plenty of money out there for a guy who's willing to work 1887% for it! Do you have any jewelry you don't need any more? 1887%Marge: Mmmmmmm..... 1887%-- Paying for ``Lisa's Pony'' 1888%Homer: Oh, I need money. 1888%Apu: Well, if you need money, you should have at least jammed a gun in my 1888% ribs, or better yet, you could inquire about my help-wanted sign. 1888%Homer: You're looking for help? 1888%Apu: Yes, we need someone for the demanding yet high-profile midnight to 1888% 8am shift. 1888%Homer: I'm your man! 1888%Apu: You're hired. Oh, how I dreamed the day would come when one of 1888% would be working for . 1888%-- Must've been the jam, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1889%Chuck: She certainly tamed that horse. 1889%Student 2: Yes, but what man can tame her? 1889%-- Watching Lisa and ``Lisa's Pony'' 1890%Apu: I won't lie to you. On this job, you be shot at. 1890% [reveals his chest] Each of these bullet wounds is a badge of honor. 1890%Homer: [taking notes] Badge of honor. 1890%Apu: Here's a pointer. Try to take it in the shoulder. 1890%-- Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1891%Apu: Now, these hot dogs have been here for three years. They are 1891% strictly ornamental. There is only one bozo who comes in and 1891% buys them. 1891%Homer: But I eat... Oh. 1891%-- Working at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1892%Homer: Marge, could we go in the other room? 1892% I did something last night that I'm not proud of, and I don't want 1892% the kids to hear it. 1892%Bart: Busted! 1892%Homer: [in the other room, explaining] I'll work from midnight to eight, 1892% come home, sleep for five minutes, eat breakfast, sleep six more 1892% minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask in Lisa's love, 1892% then I'm off to the power plant, fresh as a daisy. 1892%Bart: [at the breakfast table, hears a thud] Oh my God, she killed him! 1892% [rushes into the living room; Homer has passed out, asleep] 1892%-- Death of a Kwik-E-Mart Salesman, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1893%Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates 1893%on the dairy products! 1893%-- Apu, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1894%Marge: Homer, how long do you plan to do this? 1894%Homer: I don't know. How long do horses live? 1894%Marge: Thirty years. 1894%Homer: D'oh! 1894%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1895%Johnny Carson: I just heard Milli Vanilli was arrested for impersonating 1895% a McNugget. 1895%Ed McMahon: Ho ho ho ho! 1895%Bart: Well, it's still fun to be up late. 1895%-- Watching TV, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1896%All the years I've lobbied to be treated like an adult have blown up in 1896%my face. 1896%-- Lisa has to decide the fate of ``Lisa's Pony'' 1897%Oh, the young man you replaced is rolling over in his grave. 1897%-- Apu, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1898%Lisa: I gave up the pony. 1898%Homer: You did? 1898%Lisa: Mm hm. There's a big, dumb animal I love even more than that horse. 1898%Homer: Oh no! What is it, a hippopotamus? 1898%-- ``Lisa's Pony'' 1899%Apu, you can take this job and restaff it! 1899%-- Homer quits his job at the Kwik-E-Mart, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1900%He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the 1900%best damned employee a convenience store ever had. 1900%-- Apu on Homer, ``Lisa's Pony'' 1901%I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as ``Buck 1901%Henderson, Union Buster'' and ``Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory''. 1901%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1902%Troy: I'm here to tell you about `Spiffy!', the twenty-first-century 1902% stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera. 1902%Nick: Thank you, Troy! Hi, everybody! 1902%All: Hi, Dr. Nick! 1902%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1903%Nick: Troy, I brought with me the gravestone of author and troubled soul 1903% Edgar Allen Poe! [exhibits a grimy tombstone] 1903%Troy: One of our best writers. 1903%Nick: Yes, but unfortunately, a century of neglect has turn this tombstone 1903% into a depressing eyesore. 1903%Troy: So what? I guess we're going to have to throw it away. 1903%Nick: Not so fast, Troy! With one application of Spiffy, you'll think the 1903% body's still warm! [applies some Spiffy, removes all the grime] 1903%All: Ooooooh! Ahhhhhhhh! 1903% [The name `POE' twinkles (add visual and sound effects).] 1903%Troy: Quoth the raven, ``What a shine!'' 1903%Homer: [watching the show] Ooooh! That's one clean tombstone! 1903%-- For all your tombstone-cleaning needs, 1903% I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1904%Nick: I'm offering three bottles, enough to clean one thousand tombstones, 1904% for only $39.95! 1904%All: Booo! [a chair is heaved on stage] 1904%Troy: I'm afraid you're going to have to do better, doctor. 1904%Homer: [watching the show] Yeah, give us a break, doctor! 1904%-- I Can't Believe They Invented It! ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1905%Bart: Hey Homer, I can't find the safety goggles for the power saw. 1905%Homer: If stuff starts flying, just turn your head! 1905%Bart: Oh. Check. 1905%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1906%Okay, I'll throw in a bottle, the applicator glove, and a 1906%state of Kansas jell-o mold. $29.95! [crowd goes wild] 1906%-- Dr. Nick Riviera hawks `Spiffy' on I Can't Believe They Invented It! 1906% ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1907%Homer: Patty! Selma! What a pleasant surprise! 1907%Patty: [grunt] Whaddya know, he's wearing pants. 1907%Selma: I owe you a lunch. 1907%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1908%Expiration date? June nineteen eighty ni--uh.... 2012, yeah... 1908%-- Homer orders junk off the TV again, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1909%Marge: Maybe you should do something with the kids while I'm gone. 1909%Homer: [sugary-sweet] Oh, sure, great idea. I've love to. 1909% [sees Lisa] D'oh!! Did you hear that? 1909%Lisa: Yes. 1909%Homer: How much? 1909%Lisa: Everything. 1909%Homer: What's the quickest, cheapest, easiest way to do something with you? 1909%Lisa: Uh.... Take us to the video store? 1909%Homer: Anything for my little girl. 1909%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1910%[Bart wields an acetylene torch, his safety goggles neatly perched atop his 1910% head (not over his eyes).] 1910%Homer: Bart! You can't weld with such a little flame. (Stupid kid.) 1910%-- Safety last, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1911%Skowie: [pumped full of lead by a passing motorcyclist, lying in a pool 1911% of his own blood] Damn, damn damn. McBain? 1911%McBain: Yes? 1911%Skowie: I'm not going to make it. 1911%McBain: Oh, stop talking crazy! 1911%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1912%Homer: [watches a scene from McBain on the video store monitors] 1912%Clerk: You want to rent it, sir? 1912%Homer: Why? I just saw the best part! Heh heh heh heh. 1912%-- At the VHS Village, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1913%They called him the Galloping Gazelle. 1913%[football player prances ballet-like across the field] 1913%His habitat the frozen tundra of Soldier Field. 1913%[The player does a double somersault into the end zone] 1913%For six seasons and two Pro Bowls, he grazed on the tasty green turf of 1913%the end zone. Until one fateful Sunday in November, when the Gazelle 1913%was stopped in his tracks... 1913%[hand reaches out and grabs the GG's face mask, snapping his neck] 1913%... by a big cat named Wayne Sciersheski. 1913%-- Watching `Football's Greatest Injuries', ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1914%The compound fracture, truly one of football's greatest injuries. 1914%-- Watching `Football's Greatest Injuries', ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1915%Marge: Homer, could you turn off the TV? There's a little test I want you 1915% to take. 1915%TV: [crunch] Augh! 1915%Homer; Oh, great, you made me miss Joe Theismann! 1915%-- Watching `Football's Greatest Injuries', ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1916%Marge: [reading a questionnaire] What are your son's hobbies? 1916%Homer: Well he's always chewing on the phone cord. 1916%Marge: Oh, he hasn't done that since he was two. 1916%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1917%Bart: [hammering away] 1917%Homer: Bart, you don't have any hobbies, do you, boy? 1917%Bart: No, not really. 1917%Homer: Well, that what I... Wait a minute, what are you doing? 1917%Bart: Building a soap box derby racer. 1917%Homer: Ohhhhhhh! That's a hobby! 1917%Bart: Hey, so it is! 1917%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1918%Homer: I don't know jack about my boy. I'm a bad father! [bawls] 1918%Selma: You're also fat. 1918%Homer: I'm also fat! [bawls more] 1918%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1919%Mr. Simpson, we'll send a wood-paneled station wagon over for you immediately. 1919%-- Dave from the National Fatherhood Institute, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1920%Dave: Mr. Simpson, if you want to be a good father, you have to spend 1920% time with your son. 1920%Homer: Well, that's easy for you to say, you .. preachy .. egg-headed .. 1920% institute guy! How much do you see son? 1920%Dave: Why don't you ask him yourself? Homer, meet Dave, Jr. 1920%Homer: [stunned] Huh? 1920%Dave: How's your research, coming, son? 1920%Dave, Jr: I think we're near a breakthrough. 1920%Dave: Good work. 1920%Dave, Jr: [leaving] Thanks, Dad. 1920%Homer: Oh, how I envy you. 1920%Dave: Homer, that easy back-and-forth you just witnessed didn't happen 1920% overnight. It took years of effort. 1920%-- The National Fatherhood Institute, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1921%Homer: Bart, I'm gonna help you build that racer. 1921%Bart: Thanks, but I'm almost done. Why don't you get back on the couch 1921% and watch TV. 1921%Homer: Okay. [catches himself] Urgh. No! 1921%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1922%Homer: [reading] Cosby's First Law of Inter-generational Perversity: 1922% No matter what you tell your child to do, he will always do the 1922% opposite. Huh? 1922% [inner voice] Don't you get it!? You gotta use reverse psychology! 1922% [out loud] Well, that sounds too complicated. 1922% [inner voice] Okay, use reverse psychology. 1922% [out loud] All right, I will! 1922%-- His own worst enemy, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1923%Thank you, Bill Cosby. You've saved The Simpsons! 1923%-- Homer thanks the author of `Fatherhood', ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1924%Judge: Hey, you're not supposed to smoke in the pit area. 1924%Nelson: Fine! [extinguishes his cigarette on his tongue] 1924%-- At the soap box derby race, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1925%Nelson: Hey, [Bart] Simpson, where's your loser-mobile? 1925%Homer: Loser-mobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute! 1925%-- At the soap box derby race, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1926%It hurts! It hurts! Owie owie owie ow! 1926%-- Martin is wheeled into the hospital, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1927%Hey man, cool crash! Way to cheat death. 1927%-- Bart visits Martin in the hospital, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1928%Oh, I don't know if I should do that. My dad and I build our car 1928%together, and if I drove somebody else's it'd kill him! On the other 1928%hand... I'll do it! 1928%-- Bart's dilemma, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1929%Okay Bart, we've got a lot of work to do on the car, so I'm going to 1929%pull you out of school for the next couple of weeks... 1929%-- Homer sets to work on the soap box racer, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1930%Bart: Dad, I love you, but, you taught me to win. 1930%Homer: When did I ever teach you that? 1930%Bart: Well, I picked it up somewhere. 1930%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1931%Lisa: Dad, can you take me to Dr. Hibbert's office? 1931%Homer: Why? What's wrong? 1931%Lisa: Oh, nothing. I just scheduled a tetanus booster. 1931% Maybe I'm being a little anal, but barefoot season is coming 1931% up and there's a world of rusty nails out there! 1931%Homer: Oh, sure, I'll take you, wait with you, worry about you, 1931% and then you'll ride home with someone who has a faster car. 1931% This is how you get your kicks, isn't it, Lisa! 1931%Lisa: Mm... 1931%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1932%Bart: Dad, aren't you coming? 1932%Homer: No! 1932%Marge: Now, don't pout. 1932%Homer: I'm not pouting. are! 1932%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1933%Barney: My friend [Moe] and I have a bet. Are you Mary Tyler Moore? 1933%Patty: [maces him] 1933%Barney: Waugh! [belch] Ooh, wow! It really you! 1933%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1934%Martin: Bart, if she breaks up on you, steer away from the grandstands 1934% or else you might kill hundreds of innocent spectators. 1934% [notices Bart isn't paying attention] 1934% Bart, what did I just tell you? 1934%Bart: Kill spectators. 1934%-- ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1935%Martin: What is the matter with you! 1935%Bart: It's my dad. Lying there on the couch, drinking a beer, staring 1935% at the TV... I've never seen him like that. 1935%-- A change of environment, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1936%To everyone participating today, I salute your vigor. 1936%[aside] Check out the rack on the blonde in the fourth row! 1936%-- `Diamond' Joe Quimby takes a cue from the Kennedys, 1936% ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1937%The world has not seen the likes of this since the French carried 1937%Lucky Lindy off on their shoulders from Le Bourget Field. 1937%-- Soap box derby announcer, ``Saturdays of Thunder'' 1938%Wow! Info-tainment! 1938%-- Homer watches `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's'' 1939%Tonight, we salute the silver anniversary of the Great Springfield Tire Yard 1939%Fire. Twenty-five years, and still burning strong! 1939%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's'' 1940%Kent: We'll watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man. 1940% [caption reads, ``Opposites attract?''] 1940%Homer: He's not so fat. 1940%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's'' 1941%Kent: And we visit with heavyweight champion Dreaderick Tatum, who 1941% reminisces about growing up in Springfield. 1941%Tatum: That town is a dump. If you ever see me back there, 1941% you'll know I really [bleep]ed up bad. 1941%-- A candid interview, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1942%But first! Part seven of our eye-opening look at the bikini! 1942%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's'' 1943%Whoa! T and A! 1943%-- Bart catches a glimpse of `Eye on Springfield's story on bikinis, 1943% ``Flaming Moe's'' 1944%Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what 1944% your husband's job will be. 1944%Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor. 1944%Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be 1944% an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career! 1944%Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan. 1944%Lisa: The wax never lies... 1944%-- Lisa's slumber party, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1945%Coming up next: An elephant who never forgets... to brush! 1945%-- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', ``Flaming Moe's'' 1946%Homer: What is it, boy? 1946%Bart: Mmph. Mmph. Mmph. 1946%Homer: Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man. 1946%Bart: [takes a pad and writes, `Say my name'.] 1946%Homer: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad? 1946%Bart: Because I'm jinxed, dammit! 1946%Homer: [punches Bart in the arm] 1946%Bart: Ow! What was that for!? 1946%Homer: You spoke while you were jinxed, so I get to punch you in the arm! 1946% Sorry, it's the law! Heh heh. 1946%-- A kid at heart, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1947%Homer: What's the matter, Moe? 1947%Moe: Oh, business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. 1947% You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one 1947% would even use the cigarette machine. 1947%-- ``Flaming Moe's'' 1948%Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a 1948%purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself. 1948%-- Moe, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1949%Gin and... tonic? [in disbelief] Do they mix? 1949%-- Moe dusts off his chart of drink recipes, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1950%Selma: [showing slides] And this is Patty trying to plug her leg razor 1950% into one of those ungodly Czechoslovakian outlets. 1950% [next slide, of a hairy-legged Patty] As you can see, we never 1950% did get the hang of it. 1950%Bart: Aye, carumba! 1950%-- ``Flaming Moe's'' 1951%I decided to mix the little bits that were left in every liquor bottle. 1951%In my haste, I had grabbed a bottle of the kid's cough syrup. 1951%[mixes them in the blender, pours a glass, gulps it down] 1951%[waves his hand in front of his face] 1951%It passed the first test: I didn't go blind. 1951%-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1952%I don't know the scientific explanation, but FIRE MADE IT GOOD. 1952%-- Homer creates a new drink, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1953%Wow, Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited! 1953%-- Moe tastes a Flaming Homer, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1954%Hey, this drink is delicious. And my phlegm feels looser! 1954%-- Snake oil not included, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1955%Barney: [discovers the salad bar] Hey, what's this? 1955%Moe: A sneeze guard. 1955%Barney: [sneezes, spewing snot all over the sneeze guard] Wow, it really works! 1955%-- An ounce of prevention, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1956%Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down 1956%on you for accepting food stamps. 1956%-- Homer, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1957%The Flaming Moe is not for sale. Do you know how much of my blood 1957%and sweat are in this drink? 1957%[everybody in the bar spits out their drink] 1957%Uh, figure of speech. 1957%-- Moe refuses to sell out, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1958%Martin: So the next time you use a gas chromatograph, remember to thank 1958% Mr. A. J. P. Martin. 1958%Ms. K: [applauding] Oh, brilliant, Martin, brilliant! Once again, you've 1958% wrecked the grading curve. Oh, I pity the poor student who has 1958% to follow you. [consults her sheet] Bart Simpson, you're next. 1958%-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1959%The Inventor I Admire, by Bart Simpson. 1959%The inventor I admire is not a rich man or a famous man or even a smart 1959%man. He's my father, Homer Simpson. 1959%-- ``Flaming Moe's'' 1960%Bart: My father invented that drink, and if you'll allow me to demonstrate... 1960% [pulls out of brown paper bag a blender and bottles of liquor] 1960%Ms.K: Bart, are those liquor bottles? 1960%Bart: [as if this excused it] I brought enough for everybody. 1960%Ms.K: Take those to the teachers' lounge! You can have what's left at the 1960% end of the day. 1960%-- ``Inventors We Admire'' day, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1961%Quimby: Henceforth, this date shall forever be known as Flaming Moe's Day! 1961%Advisor: Uh, sir, this is already Veterans' Day. 1961%Quimby: It can be two things! 1961%-- Serving one's country, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1962%Moe: How about a warm Flaming Moe's welcome for... Aerosmith! 1962%Aerosmith: Nah, I don't think so Moe, we're just hanging out, etc. 1962%Moe: C'mon guys, free pickled eggs! 1962%Aerosmith: Awright! Yeah! [head onstage] 1962%-- The price of fame? ``Flaming Moe's'' 1963%Ms.K: [heavy make-up, in a tube top] Hiya, scrumptious. 1963% Do you want to ignite my drink? 1963%Homer: You're my kid's teacher! 1963%Ms.K: Single parent, are we? 1963%Homer: No! 1963%Ms.K: [lasciviously] Well, let's pretend you are... 1963%-- Ms. Krabappel lets it all hang out at... ``Flaming Moe's'' 1964%If there was any justice, face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise. 1964%-- Homer gripes about Moe's phenomenal success, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1965%Moe: [answering the phone] Flaming Moe's. 1965%Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name 1965% Hugh. 1965%Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. [calling] Hugh Jass! Somebody check the 1965% men's room for a Hugh Jass! 1965%Hugh: Uh, I'm Hugh Jass. 1965%Moe: Telephone. [hands over the receiver] 1965%Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass. 1965%Bart: [surprised] Uh, hi. 1965%Hugh: Who's this? 1965%Bart: Bart Simpson. 1965%Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart? 1965%Bart: Uh, look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that 1965% sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now. 1965%Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up] What a nice young man. 1965%-- Nobody's perfect, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1966%When the weight of the world has got you down 1966% and you want to end your life. 1966%Bills to pay, a dead-end job, 1966% and problems with the wife. 1966%But don't throw in the tow'l, 1966% 'cuz there's a place right down the block... 1966%Where you can drink your misery away... 1966%At Flaming Moe's.... (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...) 1966%When liquor in a mug (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...) 1966% can warm you like a hug. (Flaming Moe's...) 1966%And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away... 1966%Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away... 1966%-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's'' 1967%Barney: [comes into Flaming Moe's] 1967%All: Barney! 1967%Bartender: How's the world treating you, Mr. Gumbel? 1967%Barney: [belch] 1967%-- Cheers to ... ``Flaming Moe's'' 1968%Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the 1968%secret ingredient is... Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing! 1968%-- Prof. John Fink's attempt to discover the recipe for a Flaming Moe, 1968% ``Flaming Moe's'' 1969%Kent: Next on `Eye on Springfield', 1969% a toast to Moe! the Wizard of Walnut Street. 1969%Moe: The Flaming Moe dates back to my forefathers who were bartenders to the 1969% czar. 1969%-- Continuing the tradition of rewriting history, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1970%Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case? 1970%Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink. 1970%Homer: [whines] Oh! 1970%Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. 1970% How about that! I looked something up! 1970% These books behind me don't just make the office look good, 1970% they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that! 1970%-- The Great Hutzby, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1971%Homer: [grumbles] Stupid Moe, non-inventing, recipe-stealing, pug-nosed... 1971%Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that 1971% something you created is making so many people happy. 1971%Homer: [sickly sweet] Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! 1971% I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on 1971% Lollipop Lane! [leaves the room, slamming the door] 1971% [pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. 1971% [closes the door] 1971%Marge: Well, DUH! 1971%-- ``Flaming Moe's'' 1972%Now what I call a Happy Hour. 1972%-- Moe in bed with the waitress, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1973%Woman: Morris, something troubles me. 1973%Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another 20 minutes. 1973%-- Moe and the waitress in bed, ``Flaming Moe's'' 1974%Homer: [mumbling] Moe... Moe... Moe... 1974%Marge: Bart, are you going to mow the lawn today? 1974%Bart: Okay, but you promised me mo' money. 1974%Marge: I mo, I mo. 1974%Homer: [mumbling] Moe... Moe... Moe... 1974%Lisa: When Bart's done, can we mo to the moe-vies? There's a moe-tinee. 1974%Marge: Of course! All work and mo play makes Moe a moe moe. 1974%Bart: Moe moe moe moe moe? 1974%Marge: Moe moe moe. 1974%Lisa: Moe moe-moe-moe-moe moe. 1974%Bart: Moe-moe-moe moe. 1974%Maggie: [removes her pacifier] Moe. 1974%-- Moe Better Blues (or... Persistence of Moe-mory), ``Flaming Moe's'' 1975%Joey: Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drumsticks. 1975%Ms.K: [lasciviously playing with the drumsticks] Come and get 'em... 1975%-- ``Flaming Moe's'' 1976%Homer: Where's that waitress of yours? 1976%Moe: Oh, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she 1976% was better off here. 1976%-- ``Flaming Moe's'' 1977%> Voice credits 1977%>> Starring 1977% Dan Castellaneta (Homer, Krusty, Barney, Quimby) 1977% Julie Kavner (Marge, Patty) 1977% Nancy Cartwright (Bart) 1977% Yeardley Smith (Lisa, Maggie) 1977% Hank Azaria (Moe, Dr. John Frink) 1977% \: and 1977% Harry Shearer (Kent Brockman, Bernard) 1977%>> Also Starring 1977% Jo Ann Harris (Wanda?) 1977% Russi Taylor (Janey?, Martin) 1977%>> Special Guest Voices 1977% Aerosmith 1977% Steven Tyler 1977% Joe Perry 1977% Brad Whitford 1977% Tom Hamilton 1977% Joey Kramer 1977%>> Special Guest Voice 1977% Phil Hartman (Lionel Hutz) 1977%>> Special Guest Voice 1977% Marcia Wallace (Ms. Krabappel) 1977%>> Uncredited 1977% Catherine O'Hara (Waitress) 1978%> Didja notice... 1979% ... between the floorboards are a pipe clearly labelled `lead' 1979% and insulation clearly labelled `asbestos'? 1979% There was also a dead rat in front of the insulation. {em} 1979% ... the girls were eating rice krispies/marshmallow treats at the 1979% slumber party? 1979% (Wouldn't this cause problems for the girl who wears braces?) 1979% Didja also know that a recent survey revealed that the majority 1979% of Brits don't know what rice krispies are made from? 1979% ... Moe was cheating at solitaire? [JYANOWITZ@hamp.hampshire.edu] 1979% He had placed two red cards atop each other. 1979% [Actually, I noticed that one pile didn't even have an up-card. 1979% And of course, Moe didn't bother to turn all the cards to face the 1979% same way before he shuffled them. --rjc] 1979% ... Martin used a collapsible pointer during his oral report? 1979% ... Bart ``paper bag head'' Simpson was hiding behind a paper bag? 1979% ... Marge's wig (identical to her regular hair) on the dresser? 1979% ... the mugger in front of Homer's new watering hole, The Aristocrat? {rc} 1980%Did you remember to thank Mr. A. J. P. Martin when Dr. Frink used the gas 1980%chromatograph? 1981%Dave Hall {dh}: 1981% ... some of the people floating on the dead sea look more dead than alive? 1981% ... the table (with the gas chromatograph) disappeared after Martin's 1981% presentation? 1981% ... Ms. Krabappel's desk? An apple core, and books which face away 1981% from her (so she can't read the title). 1981% ... the picture that Bart took out of the bag appears to be the one 1981% from the TV room? 1981% ... Krusty slipped money into Bernard's hand? 1981% ... the `live' lizard around Kent Brockman's date's neck? 1981% (Is she the weather girl?) 1981% ... the large mouse (rat?) hole in Moe's bedroom? There are also 1981% lady's shoes on his side of the bed. 1981% ... how Marge handles her plate of bacon and eggs as she sat down? 1981% Note the look on her face. (You need slo-mo or FF for this one.) 1982%> Mixed reviews 1983%Catherine Stanton {cs}: What a classic. It's a shame they're still 1983%having the sappy endings. I was hoping Moe would go broke or something. 1984%inde6bc@JANE.UH.EDU: What's with the sappy episodes, anyway? It seems like 1984%every show this season has been capped with a sappy ending. Still a 1984%pretty good episode, though. Bart's first kiss was a success. 1985%Roby Sherman (rsherman@mthvax.cs.miami.edu): Excellent episode. 1986%Eric C. Williams (eric@npri6.npri.com): Best of the season. Just the 1986%right balance of humor and darkness. Loved the way the `normal' townsfolk 1986%acquired alter egos in the bar. 1987%Dora Kilburn {dk3}: I thought it was just another episode. There was 1987%really nothing that was very memorable for me. My biggest laugh was 1987%the couch scene. 1988%Bryan Kelln {bk}: An excellent episode. One of the best. 1989%David Moery {dm}: By far the best episode this season, and definitely one 1989%of the all-time greats. 1990%Scott Amspoker {sa}: Excellent episode. I laughed out loud many times 1990%last night. 1991%J. D. Baldwin {jdb}: This episode was immediately catapulted into the 1991%pantheon of the greats. Right up there with `Itchy & Scratchy & Marge' and 1991%`Bart the General'. It even had an appearance by Scratchy! 1992%Ron Carter {rc}: Another superb episode; Lisa's PJ party was funny 'cause 1992%it's true. 1993%Yours Truly {rjc}: Soopoib. `Eye on Springfield' was great, but I fell 1993%on the floor when Lisa's slumber party went after Bart. Bart overturned 1993%furniture to impede the girls' progress, just like they do on TV! [J. D. 1993%Baldwin {jdb} responds, ``TV, hell! I have three younger sisters, and I 1993%survived pre-adolescence only thanks to tricks very much like this one!''] 1993%But the best part was easily The Song. (They even had the car driving past 1993%before the song starts.) I've been singing that song for days now... 1994%> Movie (and other) References 1995% Truth or Dare 1995% - the girls play the game 1995% North by Northwest 1995% - the music as the girls chase Bart {hrl} 1995% ~ Close Encounters of the Third Kind 1995% - removing the screws to get at Bart 1995% Gilbert Godfreid 1995% - Moe's ``I'm Moe and I invented it'' 1995% [JYANOWITZ@hamp.hampshire.edu] {lt} 1995% Cocktail 1995% - Tipsy McStagger's and buying a drink for a chain of bars {rc} 1995% + Cheers 1995% - The Song and The Pictures. 1995% - a lascivious head bartender (Moe/Sam). 1995% - the waitress 1995% - pseudo-intellectual (``shan't'', ``Morris'') {ez} 1995% - moralistic {slp} Note her body language when she 1995% scolds Moe for stealing Homer's recipe. {ez} 1995% - ``She left to pursue a movie career. Frankly, I think she 1995% was better off here.'' {slp} Shelley Long left Cheers to 1995% pursue a movie career, but never recaptured the fame she had 1995% while on Cheers. 1995% - insult-based sexual banter between the bartender and waitress. 1995% - they also end up sleeping together. {slp} 1995% - a Woody-like bartender constantly polishing shot glasses. {ez} 1995% - a fat slob dressed in a suit jacket (Barney/Norm). 1995% - ``Barney!'' followed by a leading question from the bartender. 1995% + Sean Penn 1995% - Krusty punches out a photographer. 1995% + The Nutty Professor 1995% - ``And the secret ingredient is... LOVE!'' {rc} 1995% + Phantom of the Opera 1995% - Homer's haughty speech from the rafters. 1995% - Notice the robe deftly draped over his face like the Phantom's mask. 1995% Hunchback of Notre Dame {rc} 1996%> Freeze Frame Fun 1997%As usual, all items tagged with a `-' are courtesy of Ron Carter {rc}. 1997%Items tagged with a `+' are due to Dave Hall {dh}. 1998%>> Eye On Springfield 1999% - Springfield sign a la HOLLYWOOD sign 1999% Statue of town founder Jebediah O. Z. J. Springfield 1999% (accompanied by a buxom brunette striking the same pose) 1999% Sir Putt-a-Lot's Merrie Olde Fun Center 1999% 3 bikini-clad babes standing on the fairway of the 1st hole. 1999% (First hole: Alligator standing, wearing boxing gloves; 1999% center hole leads to the parking lot...) {jpc} 1999% - Larry's Chinese Theatre 1999% - ``Here is [sic] looking at you, Larry'' (signed) McBain 1999% Kent makes handprints on his own cement panel. 1999% Afterwards, he shakes hands with a suited gentleman (his hands 1999% still dripping with cement) 1999% + A Laramee billboard on the side of the theater. 1999% - Springfield Downs (Greyhound dog races) 1999% + The hounds didn't come out of their proper gates (i.e. The numbers on 1999% their backs didn't match the numbers on the gates.) 1999% + Some people at the downs: 1999% + Jasper 1999% + Lenny 1999% + Karl 1999% + Barney 1999% + Herman 1999% - The Jazzhole (Bleeding Gums Murphy appearing) 1999% - Springfield War Memorial Stadium 1999% - The Happy Sailor Tattoo Parlor (cf [7G08]) 1999% - Manager's Special Up to 12 Letters Only $15.95 The Perfect Gift! 1999% Kent gets a giant tattoo on his back. 2000% + The great tire fire is even funnier because the old beat-up truck is shown 2000% to be brand-new in the old news footage. (Note the same tires in back of 2000% the truck, and the tree behind the fence, or the new building in the 2000% background?) 2000% + Springfield's oldest man appears to be Raliph Melish(sp?), the guy who got 2000% his driving license revoked by Patty in `Principal Charming'. 2001%>> Moe's Tavern 2002% The lost and found box 2002% Bowie knife 2002% troll doll 2002% glass eye (which rolls away and crashes to the floor) 2002% cough syrup 2002% Andrew Tannenbaum {trb} explains that troll dolls were very 2002% popular with little girls around 1965. The implication is 2002% clearly that Moe never got rid of anything in his lost and 2002% found box. 2002% - Isotopes sports banner on wall 2002% - Love Tester 2002% - Hot Tamale 2002% - Casanova 2002% - Hubba Hubba 2002% - Luke Warmish (also Luke Warm Luke) 2002% - Cold Fish 2002% + Steven Tyler scores `Hot Tamale' on the Love Tester. 2002% - Tipsy McStagger's Good Time Drinking and Eating Emporium 2002% - Headlines with Moe's success 2002% - Springfield Shopper `Wizard of Walnut Street' 2002% - Timely `One Moe for the Road' 2002% - Bar and Stool Magazine `Through the Roof!' 2002% - People at Flaming Moe's 2002% - Jasper 2002% + Steven Tyler throws his scarf into a crowd of women, and 2002% Jasper catches it. Jasper proceeds to wipe his mouth with it. 2002% - Otto dancing with Princess Cashmere 2002% + Otto is wearing his headphones. What is he listening to? 2002% - Ned and Maude Flanders 2002% + Krusty 2002% + Dr. Marvin Monroe 2002% + Karl 2002% + Lenny 2002% + Barney 2002% + Ms. Krabappel 2002% Kent Brockman 2002% The two cops 2002% - Next door is `King Toot's Music Store' 2003%>> The Song 2004%>>> The Words, transcribed with the help of Ron Carter {rc} 2005%When the weight of the world has got you down 2005% and you want to end your life. 2005%Bills to pay, a dead-end job, 2005% and problems with the wife. 2005%But don't throw in the tow'l, 2005% 'cuz there's a place right down the block... 2005%Where you can drink your misery away... 2005%At Flaming Moe's.... (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...) 2005%When liquor in a mug (Let's all go to Flaming Moe's...) 2005% can warm you like a hug. (Flaming Moe's...) 2005%And happiness is just a Flaming Moe away... 2005%Happiness is just a Flaming Moe away... 2006%>>> The Images 2007% Taxicab drives past Flaming Moe's. 2007% Picture fades to black-and-white. 2007% A man is passed out on the sidewalk. 2007% The two cops enjoy a Flaming Moe (still in uniform) 2007% The waitress slaps Moe. 2007% A bar fight. One man's arm is bleeding. Another has blood 2007% dripping from his chin as he drops a bloody broken bottle 2007% when a third man coshes him on the head with a stool. 2007% Barney and Moe cheer the fight on. 2007% Steve Tyler scores ``Hot Tamale'' on the Love Tester. 2007% An incredibly slutty Ms. Krabappel has a sailor on each arm. 2007% The tavern packed with happy people (one of whom strikes the 2007% Al Smith pose in the final `Cheers' panel) as Homer stares 2007% through the window. 2008%>> The Aristocrat, the dive bar Homer pays a visit to 2009% + As Homer stepped out of his car 2009% + a cop car was chasing another car 2009% + a guy being robbed 2009% + a striped car 2009% + a wino (without shoes) passed out on the sidewalk 2009% + The bartender (with the patch over one eye) has a tattoo of a skull; 2009% the skull has a patch over the same eye. 2009% + Several bullet holes above the pay phone 2010%>> Lionel Hutz's bookshelf 2011% Our Legal System 2012%>> Homer's hallucination 2013%During Homer's wandering, he passes the TV shop. On the screens appear: 2014% - the Chief of Police of Springfield 2014% - Krusty 2014% - Dr. Marvin Monroe 2014% - Kent Brockman 2014% - Scratchy getting a stick of dynamite in the mouth (the 2014% pictures cuts -right- before it blows up, damn) 2014% - an unidentified couple ready to kiss (ala a soap opera) 2015%all the sets then `tune' to Moe's face... 2016% + Even the bear under Jebediah Springfield looked like Moe. 2017%>> Flaming Moe's knockoffs 2018% - Flaming Meaux 2018% - Famous Moe's, Established Last Night, Best Moe's in Town 2018% - Flaming Moe's pushcart 2019%>> Miscellaneous 2020%The Czechoslovakian outlet looked like this: 2021% | | 2021% | -- 2022%> Animation and continuity goofs 2023%>> Door hinges 2024%Sandra Ann Salinger (salins@aix.rpi.edu) points out that, since Bart's door 2024%opens into the room, the hinges would be on the of the door, and 2024%the girls couldn't have removed them. 2025%>> Bart's escape 2026%In `Bart vs. Thanksgiving' [7f07] we see that there is a tree within 2026%easy climbing distance of Bart's window. But in this episode, Bart 2026%was forced to make a jump for it. 2027%>> The slide show 2028%First, we see Semla holding the slide projector's remote control, which is 2028%panel-like, but later while Patty's holding it, it's depicted as being 2028%trigger-like. {dh} 2029%>> Moe's Tavern 2030%All due to Dave Hall {dh}: 2031%Moe is standing in front of Homer with the blender between them, yet when 2031%Moe rolled the drink down the bar to the customer, the blender is to one 2031%side of them. 2032%The lid of the blender disappeared from Homer's hand when he poured the 2032%two drinks, yet it appears later to be on the top of the blender. 2033%Homer only made enough drink for him and Moe, but after the customer 2033%complaints about the Love Tester, it appears that the blender is half full 2033%again. (Taking into account the blender appeared to be empty for one 2033%scene.) 2034%For a couple of frames, Homer's hand passes under the drink. (i.e. drink 2034%overlays Homer's hand.) 2035%For some scenes, the bottles on the counter seem to move/disappear/change 2035%shape. 2036%After Moe places the towel over his shoulder, it disappeared after Mr. 2036%Bannister asked about the inventor of the `Flaming Moe'. 2037%A FF on Homer falling from the window shows several chain links 2037%breaking--something that couldn't possibly happen. 2038%>> Miscellaneous 2039%Also due to Dave Hall {dh} 2040%When the Camera pans from the TV room, it appears that Lisa's room is above 2040%the TV room, yet later, from the back view of the house, Lisa's room is 2040%over the kitchen. 2041%The note-pad next to the phone only appeared when Bart wanted Homer to say 2041%his name. 2042%Bart threw the note-pad to the floor, yet when Lisa's friend pointed her 2042%finger at Bart, the note-pad is nowhere to be seen. 2043%The TV remote disappeared from the couch for one scene. 2044%Only four girls went past Homer as they chased Bart. (Where did the 2044%fifth girl go?) 2045%While Homer sat at the dining room table, his Duff beer is placed in 2045%front of him, but you only see it during one scene only. 2046%> Comments and other observations 2047%>> A sappy ending? 2048%Stephen L. Peters {slp}: Where would Homer and Barney go? Like any 2048%sitcom, the rich get richer, and the poor get rich and then blow it all. 2049%Jamie Ide {ji}: How can you call that a sappy ending? Moe was about to 2049%close a million dollar deal and give half to Homer when Homer blew it. 2049%Moe's was back to being a dive bar (I'm sure Moe squandered his profits) 2049%and Homer still got no credit for inventing the Flaming Homer. IMHO, that 2049%was the least sappy ending so far this season. 2050%>> Potent potables 2051%>>> The Flaming Homer/Moe 2052%Ron Carter {rc} politely provides the recipe: 2052% Tequila, Schnapps, Creme De Menthe, and the `secret' ingredient: 2052% Krusty's Non Narkotik Kough Syrup For Kids (``Doc'' Krusty on the label) 2053%J. D. Baldwin {jdb} asks, ``If Moe had split the money and the credit for 2053%the drink with Homer, would it have been called the Flaming Ho-Moe?'' 2054%>>> Virgin Moe 2055%Sean Graves (sean@cs.tamu.edu) asks: So if Lisa had a Virgin Moe, what 2055%would that be? Flaming cough syrup? Hmmm. 2056%>>> Harvey Wallbanger 2057%In case you didn't know, the `Frank Wallbanger' joke was a reference to 2057%this drink, consisting of orange juice, vodka, and Galiano. 2058%>> Eye on Springfield 2059%You'd have hoped that an Emmy-award-winning reporter wouldn't stoop to the 2059%level of info-tainment. 2060%J. D. Baldwin {jdb} observes that the episode originally aired during the 2060%1991 November Sweeps. ``This is the kind of thing that those 2060%`info-tainment' shows stoop to during sweeps. I laughed until I stopped. 2060%Not that I'm bad-mouthing bikini documentaries, you understand.'' 2061%The episode repeated during the 1993 May Sweeps, the week after Cheers' 2061%final episode. You make the call. 2062%>> The wax game 2063%Theron Stanford {tws} thinks that that two different girls played the wax 2063%game. ``That's what was so funny--Lisa came up with a really clever idea 2063%to make the one girl feel good, but then left the other girl hanging.'' 2064%>> The jinx 2065%David Hyatt {dh2} explains: ``If we say something at the same time, 2065%whoever says JINX last has to be silent until someone says their name. 2065%Played this all the time with my cousins. Hours of amusement!'' 2066%>> Flaming Moe's bouncer 2067%Some people have suggested that the bouncer was Dreaderick ``I really 2067%[bleep]ed up bad'' Tatum, but I disagree. 2068%(1) The bouncer's name was Bernard. 2068%(2) Bernard has a deep voice. Tatum has a high-pitched voice. 2069%>> Ms. Krabappel 2070%Catherine Stanton {cs}: Just a word on Mrs. Krabappel (slut). I've 2070%always suspected that my teachers were like that after work. Not only is 2070%she a slut, but an ugly one at that. 2071%Stephen L. Peters {slp}: So far, we've seen Ms. K in the back seat of a 2071%car with a sushi chef and trying to seduce Lisa's substitute teacher. I'm 2071%not surprised she'd start hanging around bars if the opportunity arose... 8^) 2072%>> Bart's First Kiss? 2073%Hardly, notes Chris Baird {cjb}. He presents the Bart Simpson Kiss List: 2074% kisses racing slip [Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire] 2074% kissed by Homer [Bart the Genius] 2074% kissed by Sherry and Terry [Homer's Odyssey] 2074% kisses Homer [There's No Disgrace Like Home] 2074% kissed by Marge [Jacques to be Wild] 2074% kissed by pretty French brunette [The Crepes of Wrath] 2074% kisses Ms. Krabappel [Bart Gets an F] 2074% kissed by Marge (in dream) [Bart vs. Thanksgiving] 2074% kissed by Lisa [Bart vs. Thanksgiving] 2074% kissed by Marge [Bart the Daredevil] 2074% kissed by Homer (twice) [One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish] 2074% kissed by pretty lady [Saturdays of Thunder] 2074% kissed by `Susan' [Flaming Moe] 2075%>> Maggie's First Word? 2076%General consensus is that Maggie's ``Moe'' existed only in Homer's 2076%hallucination and therefore doesn't count. (Similar to her, ``It's your 2076%fault I can't talk!'' in `Bart vs. Thanksgiving'.) Some believe that 2076%Maggie actually did say something, but Homer heard it as `Moe'. Contrary 2076%evidence: (1) The rest of the family didn't seem to react much to Maggie's 2076%alleged first word. (2) Homer later hallucinated talking daisies, which 2076%means that he can hallucinate things that simply don't exist. 2077%>> Marge's sarcasm 2078%I was actually mildly shocked by Marge's outburst of sarcasm. (Which made 2078%it all the funnier, of course.) Seemed out of character for her. 2079%>> Aerosmith 2080%Mike Berman {msb} identifies the closing music as `Young Lust' from their 2080%album `Pump'. 2081%> Distribution notice and Acknowledgments 2082%Episode summaries Copyright 1991-1993 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed 2082%in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course, 2082%remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain 2082%the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the 2082%compilation.) 2083%Broker: Your stock in the power plant just went up for the first time 2083% in ten years. 2083%Homer: I own stock? 2083%Broker: Yes, all the employees got some in exchange for waiving certain 2083% Constitutional rights. 2083%-- A fair exchange, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2084%For your information, I just made a cool $25 playing the market. 2084%Buy low, sell high, that's my motto. 2084%I may just quit my job at the power plant and become a full-time 2084%stock... market guy. 2084%-- Homer makes a killing on the stock market, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2085%Homer: Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you? 2085%Man 1: Ach, nein. We are from Chermany. He is from ze East. 2085% I am from ze Vest. 2085%Man 2: I hat a big company, and he hat a big company, and now we 2085% have a very big company. 2085%Man 1: We are interested in buying the power plant. 2085% Do you think the owner will ever sell it? 2085%Homer: Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it for less than 2085% $100 million! 2085%Man 2: 100 million? 2085%Man 1: [opens a briefcase of cash, counts] Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fuenf... 2085% Oh, don't vorry, we still enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns. 2085%-- Buy one, get one free, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2086%We'll have a savings account! We've never had one. 2086%-- Marge decides what to do with a stock market windfall, 2086% ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2087%Man 1: [hands Burns an offer of $100,000,000] 2087%Burns: Woo hoo! [dances about a bit] Ahem. I grudgingly accept. 2087%-- Driving a hard bargain, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2088%Len: Those lousy Germans can't fire me. I'm the only one knows how to 2088% unjam the rod bottom dissociator. 2088%Karl: Well, they can't fire me. I'm the only one certified to run the 2088% gaseous contaminant particular [sic] fire. 2088%Homer: Well, they can't fire me! 2088%Len and Karl: Why? 2088%Homer: Because... [long silence] 2088%-- Reason enough, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2089%Horst: Guten Morgen. I am Horst. The new owners have elected me to speak 2089% with you because I am the most non-threatening. Perhaps I remind you 2089% of the loveable Sergeant Schultz on Hogan's Heroes. 2089%All: Oh yeah, yeah he does. 2089%-- Familiarity breeds familiarity, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2090%Horst: Do we have any alcoholics among us? 2090% [hands slowly go up] 2090%Man 1: Uh, me? 2090%Man 2: Right here. 2090%Man 3: I'm drunk right now! 2090%-- Getting to know you, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2091%Horst: You will be given a six-week treatment at our drying-out facility 2091% in Hawaii, after which you will return at full pay. 2091%Len: Oh, great! [general agreement from other employees] 2091%Man 1: Hey, maybe I'll marry Elizabeth Taylor! 2091%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2092%Horst: We plan to have some frank discussions with your safety inspector. 2092%Homer: Hee hee. Yeah. Sock it to him, Horst! 2092%Len: Psst, Homer. Aren't the safety inspector? 2092%Homer: [sees his nametag, ``SAFETY INSPECTOR''] D'oh! 2092%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2093%``You look sharp today, sir.'' 2093%``You looken sharpen todayen, mein Herr.'' 2093%-- Smithers studies Sycophantic German, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2094%Homer: Lisa, your father needs your help. Do you know anything about Germany? 2094%Lisa: Well, it's a country in Europe. 2094%Homer: Good, good, I'm learning. 2094%-- Teaching an old dog, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2095%Marge, it's not the money. My job is my identity. 2095%If I'm not a safety whatchamajigger, I'm nothing! 2095%-- Homer fears the loss of his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2096%Hey you, stop being... so unsafe! Smitty! Safen up! 2096%-- Homer tries to look busy, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2097%Horst: Homer, could ve have a word with you? 2097%Homer: No. 2097%Horst: I must have phrased that badly. 2097% My English is, how you say, inelegant. 2097% I meant to say, may we have a brief friendly chat. 2097%Homer: No. 2097%Horst: Once again, I have failed. [consults phrasebook] 2097% We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange 2097% of ideas. 2097%Homer: [runs away in panic] 2097%-- Homer fears for his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2098%Man 1: You have been safety inspector for two years. 2098% What initiatives have you spearheaded in that time? 2098%Homer: Uh... All of them? 2098%Man 1: I see. ... Then you must have some good ideas for the future as well? 2098%Homer: I sure do! 2098%Man 1: [waits for a follow-up, which doesn't come] 2098%-- Homer tries to justify his job, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2099%Karl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad. 2099%Len: Sure they made mistakes in the past, but aah, that's why pencils have 2099% erasers! 2099%-- The power plant is under new management, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2100%Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret 2100%to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order: 2100% Simpson, Homer. 2100%That is all. 2100%-- The power plant is under new management, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2101%Lisa: I made a new bar of soap by squeezing all our little soap 2101% slivers together! [holds up a multi-colored ball of soap slivers] 2101%Marge: That's very clever. 2101%Bart: And today, instead of buying comic books, I just read 'em and 2101% left 'em in the store. 2101%Marge: Mmm... You shouldn't do that. 2101%Lisa: My jumprope broke, but I just tied it back together. 2101%Marge: That's good, Lisa. 2101%Bart: I didn't take a bath today, and I may not take one tomorrow. 2101%Marge: I want you to take baths, Bart. 2101%-- The family try to scrape by, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2102%That's right. Gather the nectar, my little drones. And make the honey. 2102%Honey for your children... 2102%Fools! [laughs evilly] 2102%-- Burns watches his bee colony, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2103%Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking. 2103%Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem? First name, Bea. 2103%Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check. 2103% [calls] Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem! 2103% Come on guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here? 2103%Barney: You sure do! [bar denizens laugh] 2103%Moe: Oh... [to phone] It's you, isn't it! 2103%Bart: [laughs] 2103%Moe: Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head 2103% for a bucket and paint my house with your brains! 2103%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2104%Burns: Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? 2104%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. Sector sieben-Grueber, I mean, sector 7-G. 2104%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2105%What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? 2105%-- Burns learns the moral of the story, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2106%Burns: [begging] Please sell me my plant back. I'll pay anything. 2106%Horst: Isn't this a happy coincidence! You are desperate to buy, and we 2106% are desperate to sell. 2106%Burns: [calculatingly] Desperate, eh? ... Advantage: Burns! 2106%-- Reversal of fortune, ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2107%Horst: [threatingly] We Germans aren't all smiles und sunshine. 2107%Burns: [recoils in mock horror] 2107% Oooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans! 2107% [hiding behind Smithers] Uh oh, the Germans are going to get me! 2107%Horst: Stop it! 2107%Man 2: Stop, sir. 2107%Burns: Don't let the Germans come after me. 2107% Oh no, the Germans are coming after me. 2107%Man 2: Please stop the `pretending you are scared' game, please. 2107%Horst: Stop it! Stop it! 2107%Burns: [brief pause, then resumes] 2107% No! They're so big and strong! 2107%Man 2: Stop it. 2107%Horst: Stop it, Mr. Burns. 2107%Man 2: Please stop pretending you are scared of us, please, now. 2107%Burns: Oh, protect me from the Germans! The Germans... 2107%Horst: Burns, STOP IT! 2107%-- ``Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk'' 2108%Marge: Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test? Homer, shouldn't we have gone 2108% with a better-known brand? 2108%Homer: But Marge, this one came with a corn-cob pipe! 2108%-- And smoke it, ``I Married Marge'' 2109%Ahoy, Maties! 2109%If the water turns blue, a baby for you! 2109%If purple ye see, no baby thar be! 2109%If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail! 2109%-- Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test, ``I Married Marge'' 2110%Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant? 2110%Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with 2110% the other kids. 2110%Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating 2110% I always did. 2110%-- Simple Simpsons symptoms, ``I Married Marge'' 2111%Bart: Hey, Homer, how come Mom's going to the doctor? 2111%Lisa: Is anything wrong? 2111%Homer: No, everything's fine. Your mother uh just... broke her leg. 2111%Lisa: What!? 2111%Bart: I smell a bun in the oven... 2111%Lisa: Is Mom going to have another baby, Dad? 2111%Homer: [fierce internal struggle manifests itself in wiggling fingers] 2111% Maybe. 2111%Bart+Lisa: Whoa, awright! Way to go! [exchange high fives] 2111%Bart: You're a machine, Homer! 2111%-- Cheer and cheer alike, ``I Married Marge'' 2112%Lisa: Did you hear that, Maggie? Another baby in the house. 2112%Bart: Oh, cool! We can race 'em! 2112%-- Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge'' 2113%Homer: Yeah, sure, for you, a baby's all fun and games. 2113% For me, it's diaper changes and midnight feedings. 2113%Lisa: Doesn't Mom do that stuff? 2113%Homer: Yeah, but I have to hear about it. 2113%-- The duties of fatherhood, ``I Married Marge'' 2114%It all happened at the beginning of that turbulent decade known as the '80's. 2114%Those were idealistic days... The candidacy of John Anderson, the rise of 2114%Supertramp, it was an exciting time to be young... 2114%-- Homer tells a story, ``I Married Marge'' 2115%Boss: Keep this up, and someday will be the guy who hands out 2115% the putters! 2115%Homer: Yes, sir! 2115%-- A young Homer works at the Merrie Olde Fun Centre, ``I Married Marge'' 2116%Lisa: It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. 2116% We watch an appalling amount of TV. 2116%Homer: Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television. 2116%-- ``I Married Marge'' 2117%Patty: If you like being pawed by something fat and lazy, we could get a cat! 2117%Granma: It would leave less hair on the couch. 2117%-- Marge's sister and mother give some alternatives to Homer, 2117% ``I Married Marge'' 2118%Marge: I can't imagine that job of yours is very stimulating. 2118%Homer: But it gives me time to think. 2118%Marge: Oh. What do you think about? 2118%Homer: Oh, girls. I mean, boys. I, I mean, you. 2118%-- Planning for the future, ``I Married Marge'' 2119%Homer: Wow, what an ending! Who would have thought Darth Vader was 2119% Luke Skywalker's father! 2119%Crowd: [waiting in line to see the movie] Oh, thank you, Mister 2119% Blow-the-picture-for-me. [etc] 2119%-- The infamous Ctrl-L, ``I Married Marge'' 2120%Marge: [listening to `You Light Up My Life' on the radio] Our song. 2120%Homer: I bet the guy she was singing that about was real happy. 2120%Marge: Well, actually, she was singing about God. 2120%Homer: Oh, well, He's always happy. No, wait, He's always mad... 2120%-- Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? ``I Married Marge'' 2121%Homer: Someday, I'll buy you a castle. 2121%Marge: You don't have to do that. 2121%Homer: Phew. Good. 2121%-- ``I Married Marge'' 2122%Marge: Maybe it's the champale talking, but I think you're pretty sexy. 2122%Homer: Really? It be the champale talking. 2122%-- ``I Married Marge'' 2123%Dr.H: Well, uh, Miss Bouvier, 2123% I think we've found the reason why you've been 2123% throwing up in the morning. 2123% Congratulations. 2123%Homer: D'oh! 2123%-- The price of passion, ``I Married Marge'' 2124%Dr.H: Perhaps this pamphlet will prove helpful. [hands over a pamphlet] 2124%Marge: [reads] So you've ruined your life. 2124%-- Marge learns she's pregnant, ``I Married Marge'' 2125%Grampa: Son, you've got to marry that girl! 2125%Homer: Because it's the honorable thing to do? 2125%Grampa: [slams his hand on the table] No, because you'll never do any better. 2125% Ha ha, you lucky bum! The fish jumped right in the boat, and 2125% all you gotta do is whack her with the oar! 2125%-- Marge becomes pregnant, ``I Married Marge'' 2126%Marge, there's something I want to ask you. But I'm afraid, because if 2126%you say no, it'll destroy me and make me a criminal. 2126%-- Homer tries to work up the nerve to propose to Marge, ``I Married Marge'' 2127%Lisa: Dad, if the new baby is a girl, can we name her Ariel? 2127%Bart: Bzzzzt. I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Cool Mo-Dee Simpson. 2127%Lisa: Ariel! Ariel! Ariel! 2127%Bart: Cool Mo-Dee! Cool Mo-Dee! Cool Mo-Dee! 2127%-- The kids learn that Marge might be pregnant, ``I Married Marge'' 2128%Marge: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you think 2128% of the name Larry? 2128%Homer: Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will call him `Larry Fairy'. 2128%Marge: Well, how about Louie? 2128%Homer: They'll call him `Screwy Louie'. 2128%Marge: Bob? 2128%Homer: `Flob'. [?] 2128%Marge: Luke? 2128%Homer: `Puke'. 2128%Marge: Marcus? 2128%Homer: `Mucus'. 2128%Marge: What about Bart? 2128%Homer: Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-art... Nope, can't see any problem 2128% with that! 2128%-- Stopped in the nick of time, ``I Married Marge'' 2129%Homer: [spots a nice ring] Wow. I'll take ring. 2129%Clerk: Yes, sir, and how will you be paying for it? 2129%Homer: I don't know. 2129%-- Good things come to those who wait, ``I Married Marge'' 2130%Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license. 2130%Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house. 2130%-- Clerk at `Shotgun Pete's' quickie marriage emporium, ``I Married Marge'' 2131%Minister: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God and 2131% this casino to join... [points at Homer] 2131%Homer: Homer. 2131%Minister: ... and ... [points at Marge] 2131%Marge: Marge. 2131%Minister: ... in holy matrimony. Beautiful. 2131% [three minutes later] 2131% Do you, Marjorie Bouvier take Homer J. Simpson to be your 2131% lawful wedded husband? 2131%Marge: I do. 2131%Minister: Homer, same question, names reversed. 2131%Homer: I do. 2131%Minister: Then, by the power vested in my by the state gaming commission, 2131% I pronounce you man and wife. Here's ten dollars worth of chips. 2131% You may kiss the bride. 2131%-- How ``I Married Marge'' 2132%Homer: Hey, why don't I apply at the nuclear power plant? 2132% I hear they pay pretty well. 2132%Marge: I don't know. I heard radiation can make you sterile. 2132%Homer: Pfft. you tell me. 2132%-- ``I Married Marge'' 2133%Smithers: What would each of you say is your worst quality? 2133%Man 1: Well, I a workaholic. 2133%Man 2: I push myself too hard. 2133%Homer: Well, it takes me a long time to learn anything, 2133% I'm kind of a goof-off... 2133%Smithers: Okay, that'll do. 2133%Homer: ... a little stuff starts disappearing from the workplace... 2133%Smithers: That's enough! 2133%-- Job interview, ``I Married Marge'' 2134%Smithers: There's a problem with the reactor. What do you do? 2134%Homer: There's a problem with the reactor!? We're all going to die! 2134% Aaaaaaaugh! [runs out in panic] 2134%-- Homer's job interview, ``I Married Marge'' 2135%Homer: [to his unborn son] Kid, I won't let you down. 2135% I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first 2135% thing you're gonna see is a man with a good job. 2135%Patty: Yeah, a doctor! 2135%-- ``I Married Marge'' 2136%Homer: Good evening, Madam. You have been selected by the good people of 2136% Slash-Co to reap the benefits of their new Nev-R-Dull knife edge. 2136% Here, shake hands with the Slash-Co! [hands her the knife] 2136%Woman: [grabs the wrong end] Aaaaaagh! 2136%Homer: [to himself] Handle first, handle first... 2136%-- Homer's job experience, ``I Married Marge'' 2137%First, let me assure you that this is not one of those shady pyramid 2137%schemes you've been hearing about. No sir. Our model is the trapezoid! 2137%-- Shady seminar speaker at `Million$ for Nothing', ``I Married Marge'' 2138%Fourth notice. Ninety days overdue. We break thumbs. 2138%-- Marge reads the mail from bill collectors, ``I Married Marge'' 2139%Repossessing stuff is the hardest part of my job. 2139%-- Man from the Repo Depot, ``I Married Marge'' 2140%Lisa: [crying] That is so sad. 2140%Homer: Oh, come on, honey. You know how it turns out. 2140% After all, you wouldn't be here today if I hadn't become the 2140% responsible head of a household. 2140%Bart: [poking his head into the room] 2140% Hey, Homer, can we have a can of frosting for lunch? 2140%Homer: Okay. 2140%-- Edible complex, ``I Married Marge'' 2141%Marge, I've got two-and-a-half words for you. Gulp. 'N'. Blow. 2141%-- Patty tells Marge where she can find Homer, ``I Married Marge'' 2142%Homer: Yeah, whaddya want. 2142%Marge: My husband by my side. 2142%Homer: You want fries with that? 2142%-- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge'' 2143%Look at me. I'm a trainee. 2143%They won't even tell me what's in the secret sauce. 2143%-- Homer works at the Gulp-N-Blow, ``I Married Marge'' 2144%That's it... That's it... Come closer... [gobbles a power pellet] 2144%Muhahaha! Ironic isn't it. The hunter has become the hunted! Hahahaha!! 2144%-- Monty Burns plays Ms. Pac-Man, ``I Married Marge'' 2145%Listen to me, Mister Big-Shot. If you're looking for the kind of employee 2145%that takes abuse, and never sticks up for himself, I'M YOUR MAN! You can 2145%treat me like dirt, and I'll kiss your butt and call it ice cream! 2145%And if you don't like it, I can change!! 2145%-- Homer demands a job from Monty Burns, ``I Married Marge'' 2146%I like your attitude. Feisty, yet spineless. 2146%-- Monty Burns hires Homer, ``I Married Marge'' 2147%Sir, this man not only failed the aptitude test, he got trapped in a closet 2147%on his way out. 2147%-- Smithers voices his objections to the hiring of Homer Simpson, 2147% ``I Married Marge'' 2148%Only in America could I get a job! 2148%-- Homer celebrates being hired to work at SNPP, ``I Married Marge'' 2149%Burns: Who was that young hellcat, Smithers? 2149%Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. 2149%Burns: Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name... 2149%-- The beginning of a tradition, ``I Married Marge'' 2150%Homer: Starting tomorrow, I'm a nuclear technician! 2150%Dr. Hibbert: Good God! 2150%-- A professional opinion, ``I Married Marge'' 2151%Homer: And tomorrow, I'm going to buy your ring back, then I'm going 2151% house-hunting. 2151%Marge: Doesn't your job start tomorrow? 2151%Homer: Eh, somebody'll cover for me. 2151%-- Useful phrase #1, ``I Married Marge'' 2152%Marge: [goes into labor] Oh! 2152%Homer: [rolls up his sleeves] Step aside. I'll deliver this baby. 2152%Dr. H: Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer? 2152%Homer: [confrontationally] Oh, a college boy, eh? 2152%-- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge'' 2153%Marge: Homey, isn't he beautiful? 2153%Homer: Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine 2153% by me. 2153%-- The birth of Bart, ``I Married Marge'' 2154%Homer: You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift 2154% a man could have. As the years went by, your mother and I were 2154% blessed twice more. And not a day goes by that we don't thank God 2154% for all three of you. 2154%Marge: [comes home] Homer, I'm not pregnant! 2154%Homer: [gets up, the kids on his lap falling to the floor] 2154% Yeah! Whoa! Excellent, Marge! 2154%Marge: Yes! [exchanges a high five with Homer] 2154%-- ``I Married Marge'' 2155%Lisa: Dad, can I have some money to buy Bart a birthday present? 2155%Homer: [entranced by a TV show of pretty girls dancing provocatively] 2155% Mon-ney. [hands over a huge wad of bills] 2155%Lisa: [riffles through it] Dad, this is a hundred and ten dollars! 2155%Homer: Oh, sorry. [gives her the entire wallet] 2155%-- Ask, and you shall receive, ``Radio Bart'' 2156%`Funky-See Funky-Do' will be right back to lip-sync another of their 2156%hits, right after this... 2156%-- Announcer on TV music dance show, ``Radio Bart'' 2157%Announcer: ... But order now. Supply is limited. 2157%Homer: Gasp! Limited!?!? [frantically dials the phone] 2157% Do you have any of those microphones left? 2157%Clerk: [standing in a warehouse filled to the roof with boxes 2157% of microphones] Yeah, a couple... 2157%-- A couple thousand, perhaps... ``Radio Bart'' 2158%Bart: [in the barber shop, getting a shave] 2158% Digital audio tape, my butt! When was a kid, we had compact 2158% disks, and don't recall no one complaining. 2158%Barber: Damn right. 2158%-- Bart's free shave, ``Radio Bart'' 2159%Hey, good to see you. 2159%Glad you could make it. 2159%Toby, have you lost weight? 2159%-- Bart, the perfect host at his birthday party, ``Radio Bart'' 2160%Oh, there's only one can of beer left, and it's Bart's. 2160%-- Homer finds a `Property of Bart Simpson' sticker on a can of Duff, 2160% ``Radio Bart'' 2161%People of earth, this is Bartron, commander of the Martian invasion force. 2161%Your planet is in our hands. Resistance is useless. 2161%-- The first broadcast of ``Radio Bart'' 2162%Bart: [over the radio] Rod! Todd! This is God! 2162%Rod: How did you get on the radio? 2162%Bart: Whaddya mean, how did I get on the radio? I created the universe! 2162% Stupid kid. 2162%Todd+Rod: [fall to their knees and clasp their hands] 2162%Todd: Forgive my brother. We believe you. 2162%Bart: Talk is cheap. Perhaps I'll test a guy's faith. Walk through the 2162% wall! I will remove it for you. 2162%Rod: [walks into the wall] [thud] 2162%Bart: Ha ha ha. 2162%Todd+Rod: [return to their knees in prayer] 2162%Todd: What do you want from us? 2162%Bart: I got a job for you. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen 2162% and leave them on the Simpsons' porch. 2162%Rod: But those cookies belong to our parents. 2162%Bart: Ugh! Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God? 2162%Todd: [quickly] Happy God. 2162%Bart: Then quit flapping your lip and make with the cookies! 2162%Todd+Rod: Yes, sir! 2162%-- How to win friends and influence people, ``Radio Bart'' 2163%The circumference of the well is 34 inches, so, unfortunately, not 2163%one member of our city's police force is slender enough to rescue the 2163%boy. 2163%-- Kent Brockman's report, ``Radio Bart'' 2164%Although we can't reach the boy, we freeze him with liquid 2164%nitrogen, so that future generations can rescue him. 2164%-- Dr. John Fink's plan to rescue poor Timmy O'Toole, ``Radio Bart'' 2165%Dear Lord, before we peel the foil back from Your bounty... 2165%-- Marge's TV dinner prayer, ``Radio Bart'' 2166%Homer: That Timmy is a real hero! 2166%Lisa: How do you mean, Dad? 2166%Homer: Well, he fell down a well, and... he can't get out. 2166%Lisa: How does that make him a hero? 2166%Homer: Well, that's more than you did! 2166%-- ``Radio Bart'' 2167%Channel 6's own Krusty the Klown has gathered members of the entertainment 2167%community, who normally steer clear of fashionable causes... 2167%-- Kent Brockman's news report, ``Radio Bart'' 2168%I called my good friend Sting. He said, ``Krusty, when do you need me?'' 2168%I said, ``Thursday.'' He said, ``I'm busy Thursday.'' 2168%I said, ``What about Friday?'' He said, ``Friday's worse than Thursday.'' 2168%Then said, ``How about Saturday?'' I said, ``Fine.'' True story! 2168%-- Krusty makes his music video, ``Radio Bart'' 2169%Sting: There's a hole in my heart as deep as a well for that poor little boy, 2169% who's stuck halfway to Hell... 2169%Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing... 2169%McBane: We go on TV and sing, sing, sing! 2169%All: And we're sending our love down the well... 2169%Krusty: All the way down! 2169%All: We're sending our love down the well... 2169%Krusty: Down that well! 2169%-- Krusty's music video, ``Radio Bart'' 2170%Don't worry, son. Just 'cuz you're trapped in a hole doesn't mean you 2170%can't live a rich and full life. 2170%-- Homer's reassuring words, ``Radio Bart'' 2171%Your boy picked a bad time to fall down a well. If he'd done it 2171%at the start of the fiscal year, no problemo. 2171%-- Chief Wiggum tells Marge it's all in the timing, ``Radio Bart'' 2172%Kent: The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are 2172% squarely aimed at the boy's parents. 2172%Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident! 2172%Marge: Homer! 2172%Homer: Uh... Could you edit that last part out? 2172%Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast. 2172%Homer: D'oh! 2172%-- `Radio Bart'' 2173%And our number one hit, ``I Do Believe We're Naked'', by 2173%Funky-See Funky-Do, replaces ``We're Sending Our Love Down the Well'', 2173%which plunges all the way down to number 97. 2173%-- Casey Kasem's countdown, ``Radio Bart'' 2174%Ever since I called for the rescue of that Simpson lad, I have taken a lot 2174%of heat. So, I am flip-flopping! I say, let him stay down there! 2174%-- Mayor Diamond Joe Quimby, bending ever so gently, ``Radio Bart'' 2175%Marge: Bart honey, I made you an extra-warm sweater you can wear while you're 2175% down in the well. [tosses it] 2175%Bart: Mom, it's too big. 2175%Homer: Don't worry, you'll grow into it. 2175%-- Bart is trapped in a well, ``Radio Bart'' 2176%You know, I've done a lot of bad stuff through the years. 2176%I guess now I'm paying the price. But there's so many things 2176%I'll never get a chance to do. Smoke a cigarette, use a fake ID, 2176%shave a swear word in my hair... [sobs] 2176%-- Bart's remorse, ``Radio Bart'' 2177%Marge: Sting, you look tired. Maybe you should take a rest. 2177%Sting: Not while one of my fans needs me. 2177%Marge: Actually, I don't know if I've ever heard Bart play one of your albums. 2177%Homer: Shhhh. Marge, he's a good digger! 2177%-- Digging Bart out of a well, ``Radio Bart'' 2178%And now, with his picks for today's games, the man who's right 52% of 2178%the time, Smooth Jimmy Apollo! 2178%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts a football pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2179%Moe's Tavern, where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly. 2179%-- Moe answers the phone, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2180%At the end of thirteen seconds of play, 2180%it's New England seven, Denver nothing. 2180%-- The football report, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2181%Look Dad, I made a modern studio apartment for my Malibu Stacy doll. 2181%[shows a neatly furnished shoebox] 2181%This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist 2181%newsletter... 2181%-- Lisa's latest triumph, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2182%Lisa: Why isn't Dad ever interested in anything I do? 2182%Marge: Well, um, do you ever take an interest in anything does? 2182%Lisa: No. ... Well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it. 2182%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2183%Well, if you want to get closer to him, then maybe should bridge the 2183%gap. I do it all the time. I pretend I'm interested in looking at power 2183%tools, going to those silly car-chase movies, and ... some things I'll tell 2183%you about when you're older. 2183%-- Marge's advice to Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2184%Smooth Jimmy Apollo: [explaining his poor prediction] 2184% Well, folks, when you're right 52% of the time, you're wrong 48% 2184% of the time. 2184%Homer: Why didn't you say that before!! 2184%-- Watching a TV football post-game show, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2185%TV: So call me now! $5 for the first minute, $2 for each additional minute! 2185%Homer: [dials the number] 2185%Voice: You... have reached... the Coach's... Hot-... 2185%Homer: Line. 2185%Voice: Line. 2185%Homer: Yeah, lay it on me, Coach. 2185%Voice: In the game... of... Mi... am... i... 2185%Homer: Mm hm. 2185%Voice: Versus Cin... 2185%Homer: Cincinnati. 2185%Voice: cin... 2185%Homer: Cincinnati. 2185%Voice: nat... 2185%Homer: Cincinnati. 2185%Voice: i... 2185%Homer: Come on, come on, don't you realize this is costing me money! 2185%-- Dial 1-909-WIN-BIGG for football picks, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2186%Mom, I'm tired. I want to go home. Can't I just lie down for a minute? 2186%-- Bart whines about being forced to shop for clothes, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2187%Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? 2187% Because the people who wear them get beaten up. 2187%Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend. 2187%-- More words of wisdom from Marge, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2188%What could be more exciting than the savage ballet that is pro football? 2188%-- Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2189%Homer: You like ice cream, don't you? 2189%Lisa: Uh huh. 2189%Homer: And don't you like ice cream better when it's covered with hot fudge? 2189% And mounds of whipped cream? [getting carried away] And chopped nuts? 2189% And, ooh, those crumbled-up cookie things they mash up? 2189% Mmm... Crumbled-up cookie things... 2189%-- Homer's train of thought gets derailed yet again, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2190%Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. 2190% Even though they say it's okay in the bible. 2190%Lisa: Really? Where? 2190%Homer: Uh... Somewhere in the back. 2190%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2191%Lisa: Can I watch football with you again next Sunday? 2191%Homer: Sure! You'll find it gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church. 2191%-- Sundays of thunder? ``Lisa the Greek'' 2192%Football player: [being interviewed] 2192% This team is fired up. We came here to play! 2192%Homer: Aw right! [picks up the phone to place his bet] 2192%Lisa: [scoffing] He'll lose. 2192%Homer: What? Didn't you hear what he said? 2192%Lisa: Look at the fear in his eyes, listen to the quiver in his voice. 2192% [poetically] He's a little boy lost in a game of men. 2192%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2193%Homer: You think we should bet against them? 2193%Lisa: I'd bet my entire college fund on it. 2193%Homer: You got it. [to phone] Moe, twenty-three dollars on New York! 2193%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2194%Homer: [tossing Lisa in the air in celebration] Yaay! 2194%Lisa: Yaay! 2194%Homer: [continues tossing] 2194%Lisa: Whoa! 2194%Homer: [continues tossing] 2194%Lisa: Dad, I hate to break the mood, but I'm getting nauseous. 2194%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2195%Homer: Who do you like in the afternoon games? 2195%Lisa: Well, I like the 49ers because they're pure of heart, 2195% Seattle because they've got something to prove, 2195% and the Raiders because they always cheat. 2195% [later] 2195%Brent: And on an extreeeeeemely suspicious play, the Raiders win! 2195%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2196%[Under the banner ``The Library / The Hip Place To Be'' sits a lone reader] 2196%Lisa: Hey, the new sign's really working! 2196%Mrs. Norton: Oh, it's been a madhouse, Lisa! 2196%-- Give a hoot, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2197%[Lisa flips through the card catalog] 2197%Let's see... Football... Football... `Homoeroticism in'... 2197%`Oddball Canadian rules'... `Phyllis George and'... 2197%-- Let your fingers do the walking, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2198%Homer: Lisa, you picked the winner every time. You must have some 2198% kind of special gift! 2198%Lisa: Come on, Dad. It doesn't take a genius to realize that Houston's 2198% failed to cover their last ten outings on away turf the week after 2198% scoring more than three touchdowns in a conference game. 2198%Homer: Oh, my little girl says the cutest things. 2198%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2199%Gasp! Look at these prices! We could finally get rid of those termites 2199%for the cost of this meal! 2199%-- Marge reads the menu for The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2200%Waiter: Hello, I'm Marco, I'll be your waiter. 2200%Homer: Hello, I'm Homer, I'll be your customer. 2200% [Homer, Bart, and Lisa chuckle] 2200%Waiter: Never heard that one before... 2200%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2201%Waiter: Would you care to select the wine? 2201%Bart: I'll do the honors. [takes the wine list, reads it] 2201% No, no, no, no! My God! What passes for a wine list these days? 2201% Marco, just bring us your freshest bottle of wine, chop-chop. 2201%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2202%Homer: Oh, violin guy! [strolling violinist approaches] 2202% [tucks some money in the violinist's pocket] 2202% What's your favorite song, Lisa? 2202%Lisa: The Broken Neck Blues. 2202%Homer: [to violinist] Play on. 2202%-- At The Gilded Truffle, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2203%Brent: It is the playoffs. It's five below, and there's one loyal fan 2203% wearing nothing but a G-string, and the team colors painted on 2203% his body! 2203% [camera shows the fan in question, shivering, teeth chattering] 2203%Johnny: He doesn't look too happy! 2203%Brent: Heh heh. Well, maybe the paint has shut off his pores, and 2203% he's slowly suffocating. Still, is a fan. 2203%-- Football pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2204%Homer: Well, Lisa, it's daddy-daughter day, and Daddy needs daughter's picks. 2204%Lisa: Dad, I'm making the Chiefs my five-star silver bullet special. 2204% And with your blessing, I'd like to tie it to the Cowboys plus 2204% five at Chicago. 2204%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2205%Barney: Hey, Homer, you wanna go bowling next Sunday? 2205%Homer: Barney, are you nuts? That's the Super Bowl! 2205% How about the Sunday after that? 2205%Barney: Well, my Ma's coming in from Norway, but uh, what the hell. [belch] 2205%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2206%Ralph: ... and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that 2206% was the happiest day of my life. 2206%Mrs. Hoover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic. 2206%-- Reading essays in front of the class, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2207%The happiest day of my life was three Sundays ago. I was sitting on my 2207%daddy's knee when the Saints, who were four-and-a-half point favorites, 2207%but only up by three, kicked a meaningless field goal at the last second 2207%to cover the spread. 2207%-- Lisa's essay, The Happiest Day of My Life, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2208%Lisa: Oh, Dad! You must have bought me every Malibu Stacy accessory there 2208% is! 2208%Homer: Not quite. They were out of Malibu Stacy lunar rovers. 2208%-- Homer's surprise gift, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2209%Ooh, perfume! Meryl Streep's Versatility! 2209%-- Marge's gift from Homer, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2210%Homer: Boy, I know you're going to like your present. 2210%Bart: [it's a hand-held gizmo with three buttons] 2210% [Bart presses each button a few times] 2210%Toy: Shut up! Shut up! 2210% Kiss my butt! 2210% Shut up! 2210% Go to hell! Go to hell! 2210%Bart: Dad, I promise you, I will get tired of this. 2210%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2211%Marge: Homer, those were very thoughtful presents, but you have to tell 2211% me where you got the money from. 2211%Homer: All right, Marge, I'll tell you, but first you have to promise you 2211% will not get mad. 2211%Marge: I promise I get mad, because I always do when you make me 2211% promise I won't. 2211%Homer: All right, if you must know. Lisa and I have been gambling on pro 2211% football. 2211%Marge: Homer!! 2211%Homer: You promised you wouldn't get mad! 2211%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2212%Homer: Aren't parents supposed to encourage their kids whenever they show 2212% talent? 2212%Marge: But gambling is illegal! 2212%Homer: Oh, only in 48 states. Besides, it's a victimless crime. 2212% The only victim is Moe! Heh heh heh. 2212%-- Homer has been using Lisa to help him make bets on football, 2212% ``Lisa the Greek'' 2213%You know, Dad, we've been watching a lot of TV lately. Maybe the Sunday 2213%after the Super Bowl we could hike up to the top of Mount Springfield. 2213%The fires in the tire yard really make for some beautiful sunsets! 2213%-- Lisa, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2214%Adult Lisa: My third husband bought me this. [takes off her ring] 2214% Gimme some [casino] chips for it! 2214%Clerk: Are you sure, ma'am? 2214%Adult Lisa: Don't tell me what to do, sonny. I've been gambling since I 2214% was eight, and I've been hocking jewelry since I was twelve! 2214% Now gimme some chips! 2214%-- Lisa's nightmare, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2215%Look around you, Malibu Stacy. All this was bought with dirty money. 2215%Your penthouse, your Alfa Romeo, your collagen injection clinic... 2215%-- Lisa talks to her doll, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2216%Lisa: Look, Dad. I'll tell you who's going to win the Super Bowl if you 2216% want me to, but it'll just validate my theory that you cared more 2216% about winning money than you did about me. 2216%Homer: Okay. 2216%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2217%Brent: We're live from the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome, and Super Bowl XXVI. 2217% Today, we're going to be seen by people in one hundred and fifty 2217% countries, all over the world! 2217% [shot of some Pacific island natives watching a TV set] 2217% Including our newest affiliate, W Gimel Aleph Nun in Tel Aviv! 2217% [cut to Cesar and Ugolin (the evil French winemakers) watching 2217% the show] 2217%Ugolin: Stupid! 2217%Cesar: [changes the channel with the remote] 2217%TV: [Jerry Lewis] Wauugh! [crash] Sorry, Mrs. [mumble] 2217%Cesar: [smacks his lips] Formidable! 2217%-- Fifty million Frenchmen might be wrong, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2218%Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern, home of the Super Sunday Brunch 2218% Spectacular! 2218%Barney: [surveying the buffet table] Whoa! Baloney! Bread! 2218%Moe: [jotting in his notebook] I've got you down for forty bucks. 2218% Good luck, Your Eminence. 2218%-- Super Bowl Sunday, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2219%I had the greatest gift of all. A little girl who could pick football. 2219%-- Homer, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2220%Well, sir, we're two hours and 45 minutes into the pre-game show... 2220%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2221%Brent: We've got ourselvs a special guest, actor Troy McClure, whose new 2221% sitcom is premiering tonight, coincidentally enough, right after 2221% the game! 2221%Troy: Thanks, Brent. My new show is called `Handle with Care'. 2221% I play Jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a 2221% retired criminal. We're the original Odd Couple! 2221%Brent: What made you want to do a situation comedy? 2221%Troy: Well, I fell in love with the script, Brent. And my recent 2221% trouble with the IRS sealed the deal! 2221%-- Brent Gunsilman hosts the Super Bowl pre-game show, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2222%Homer: Buffalo is going to win. Lisa hates me. [sobs] 2222%Man: Whatcha got riding on this game? 2222%Homer: My daughter. 2222%Man: [whistles] What a gambler! 2222%-- Watching the Super Bowl, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2223%This sucks. Come on, snipers, where are you! 2223%-- Bart watches a feeble football halftime show, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2224%It's a touchdown for halfback Dan Beer-dorf! Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl! 2224%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2225%Barney: Hey Homer, didn't you say that if Duff Dry wins [the Duff Bowl], 2225% your daughter loves you? 2225%Homer: Not Duff Dry. Washington! 2225%Barney: Okay, okay. They're great teams. 2225%-- ``Lisa the Greek'' 2226%Rev. Lovejoy: [surveys his congregation, one man and two old ladies] 2226% Well, I'm glad people could resist the lures of the big game. 2226%Man: Oh, my God! I forgot the game! [rushes out] 2226%-- Super Bowl Sunday, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2227%So, with three ticks left on the clock, it all comes down to this one play. 2227%If Washington scores here, happy fans will be looting and turning over cars 2227%in our nation's capital tonight! 2227%-- The closing seconds of the Super Bowl, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2228%Money comes and money goes, but what I have with my daughter can go on 2228%for eight more years! 2228%-- Homer, ``Lisa the Greek'' 2229%Homer: [scarfing down donuts] 2229%Lenny: Hey, Homer, slow down. You're going to choke or something. 2229%Homer: Don't tell me how to eat donuts! [starts choking] 2229%Karl: [matter-of-factly] Hey, Homer's choking again. 2229%Lenny: Isn't there a first-aid chart around here somewhere? 2229%Karl: Somebody scare him. 2229%Charlie: That's for the hiccups! 2229%-- Remain calm, dough-nut panic, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2230%Lenny: Homer, last year, we were 2 and 28. 2230%Homer: Look, I know it wasn't our best season... 2230%Lenny: Actually, it was. 2230%-- Room for improvement, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2231%Homer: Come here, boy, I want to show you something. 2231%Bart: What's that, a homemade bat? 2231%Homer: It's something very special. A homemade bat. 2231%-- A Homer-made bat, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2232%It all started last year during a terrible thunderstorm, when I locked 2232%myself out of the house. Shelving myself with a large piece of sheet metal, 2232%I ran for cover under the tallest tree I could find! 2232%-- Homer Simpson, Safety Inspector, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2233%Homer: [working to build a baseball bat in the garage] 2233%Marge: Homey, come to bed. 2233% [scene change: Marge is in bed, as wood shavings flick onto her 2233% from Homer's woodwork in bed] 2233% Homer, go back to the garage. 2233%-- Yessss, master, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2234%Bart: [sees Homer's homemade bat] Wow! How many home runs you gonna 2234% hit with that? 2234%Homer: Let's see. We play thirty games. Ten at-bats a game. Mmm... 2234% Three thousand. 2234%-- Back-of-the-envelope calculations, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2235%Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. 2235% You can't leave first until you chug a beer. 2235% Any man scoring has to chug a beer. 2235% You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. 2235% Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning. 2235%Chief Wiggum: [in baseball uniform] Hey, we know how to play softball. 2235%-- The canonical softball drinking game, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2236%Umpire: Play ball! 2236%Chief Wiggum: [steps to the plate] 2236%Police radio: Attention all units! Attention all units! 2236% Armored car being robbed at 59th and... 2236%Chief Wiggum: Turn off that damn radio! 2236%-- Please arrange to have your car robbed only during normal business hours, 2236% ``Homer at the Bat'' 2237%And the man wants to hit the ball, too. [crack!] And he does. 2237%And there he goes, off in that direction. And everyone is happy. 2237%-- Marge Simpson does the play-by-play, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2238%Lisa: Wow, Dad! 2238%Bart: Homer, can I get you a beer? 2238%Lisa: No, want to get him a beer. 2238%Homer: Kids, kids, kids! You can get me a beer. 2238%-- Beer and beer alike, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2239%Ari: Would you care to bet a million dollars on that? 2239%Burns: Oh, if we're going to bet, why don't we make it interesting! 2239%Ari: What, a million dollars isn't interesting to you? 2239%Burns: Oh, did you say a million? I'm, I'm sorry, my mind was elsewhere. 2239% I thought you would start with a small amount, then we would 2239% bait each other, and, well, you know how it goes. 2239% Yes, certainly, a million would be fine. [handshake] 2239%-- But gambling is illegal in 48 states... ``Homer at the Bat'' 2240%Burns: Smithers, I've been thinking. Is it wrong to cheat to win 2240% a million-dollar bet? 2240%Smithers: Yes, sir. 2240%Burns: Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if cheat to win a 2240% million-dollar bet? 2240%Smithers: No, sir. Who would you like killed? 2240%-- Burns remembers to phrase it as an ethical question, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2241%Smithers: [whispers in Jose Canseco's ear] 2241%Jose: I get $50,000 to play one game? 2241%Smithers: That's right, Mr. Canseco. 2241%Jose: Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey. It sounds like fun. 2241%-- For love of money, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2242%Smithers: [in the woods, a bullet grazes his shoulder] 2242%Hunter: Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer. 2242%Smithers: Heh heh, that's okay. Happens all the time. 2242%-- ``Homer at the Bat'' 2243%Homer: You're Darryl Strawberry. 2243%Darryl: Yes? 2243%Homer: You play right field. 2243%Darryl: Yes? 2243%Homer: I play right field, too. 2243%Darryl: So? 2243%Homer: Well, are you better than me? 2243%Darryl: Well, I never met you... but... Yes. 2243%-- Any questions? ``Homer at the Bat'' 2244%Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better 2244% than you? 2244%Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, faster than me, stronger 2244% than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do. 2244%Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one who told me I could do 2244% anything if I just put my mind to it! 2244%Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's 2244% a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always 2244% about a million people better than you. 2244%Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try. 2244%-- Lesson for the day, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2245%Smithers: What are you going to do with the million dollars, sir? 2245%Burns: Oh, I dunno. Throw it on the pile, I suppose. 2245%-- Burns has bet $1 million on the softball team, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2246%Hynpotist: You are all very good players... 2246%Team: [entranced] We are all very good players... 2246%Hypnotist: You will beat Shelbyville... 2246%Team: We will beat Shelbyville... 2246%Hypnotist: You will give one hundred and ten percent... 2246%Team: That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. 2246% By definition that is the most anyone can give... 2246%-- You own a mansion and a yacht... ``Homer at the Bat'' 2247%Mike Scioscia: [pushing a wheelbarrow of glowing green goop] 2247%Karl: [pulls up beside him with his own wheelbarrow of glowing green goop] 2247% Hey, Scioscia. I don't get it. You're a ringer, but you're here every 2247% night in the core, busting your butt hauling radioactive waste. 2247%Mike Scioscia: Well, Karl, it's such a relief from the pressures of playing 2247% big-league ball. I mean, there, you make any kind of mistake, and 2247% boom, the press is all over you. [accidentally spills his goop] 2247% Uh oh... 2247%Karl: Ah, don't worry about it. 2247%Mike Scioscia: Oh man, is this ever sweet... 2247%-- ``Homer at the Bat'' 2248%Now, before I post the starting line-up, I want to assure those of you 2248%whose names are not on the list... that I'm very disappointed in you. 2248%-- Monty Burns, softball team manager, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2249%Homer: Please please please, I want to make the team. [catches Roger Clemens] 2249% Clemens, did I make the team? 2249%Roger: You sure did! 2249%Homer: I did! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry! 2249%Roger: Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey, Jr.? 2249%Homer: No. 2249%Roger: Sorry. Didn't mean to get your hopes up. 2249%-- ``Homer at the Bat'' 2250%Dr. Hibbert: Uh, Mike, try to lift your arm. 2250%Mike Scioscia: Can't... lift... arm... or... speak... at... normal... rate... 2250%-- ``Homer at the Bat'' 2251%Homer: Oh, one thing I'm good at and I can't do it any more. 2251%Marge: Homey, you're good at lots of things. 2251%Homer: Like what? 2251%Marge: Like snuggling? [snuggles up to him] 2251%Homer: Yeah. but none of my friends can watch me. 2251%-- It's an indoor sport, ``Homer at the Bat'' 2252%Barney: And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston! 2252%Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!! 2252%Barney: Lord Palmerston!!! 2252%Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!!! [pokes Barney] 2252%Barney: Okay, you asked for it, bud! [punches him out] 2252%Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! [scoffing] Pitt the Elder... 2252%Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!! [punches Moe] 2252%-- ``Homer at the Bat'' 2253%Homer: Where do you think you're going? 2253%Lisa: To the game. 2253%Homer: No no no. I don't want you to see me sit on my worthless butt. 2253%Bart: We've seen it, Dad. 2253%-- ``Homer at the Bat'' 2254%BART (Brat'us Don'thaveacow'us) 2254%HOMER (Homo Neanderthal'us) 2254%-- The Simpsons meet the Road Runner, ``Homer Alone'' 2255%I am cleaning that! ... Oh, who am I kidding. 2255%-- Marge cleans up another mess, ``Homer Alone'' 2256%When you grow up, you can suck your pacifier all you want. 2256%-- Marge tries to reason with Maggie, ``Homer Alone'' 2257%Marge: [making lunch] Extra mustard for Bart, sliced diagonally, not 2257% lengthwise. Light mayo for Lisa, cut off the crust. Double 2257% baloney for Homer... 2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] Mom, can you sign this permission slip for my 2257%Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, have you seen my lucky red cap? Mom, 2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] field trip? Mom, I those pimentos, they 2257%Bart: [simultaneously] where's my lucky red cap? Mom, aren't you listening 2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] make me gag. 2257%Bart: [simultaneously] to me? I told... 2257%Homer: [comes in] 2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] Mom, please sign the permission slip. [etc] 2257%Bart: [simultaneously] Mom, I'm talking to you. Hello? Hello! I'm going to 2257%Homer: [simultaneously] Marge, I split my pants again. Ooooh! Can I have two 2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] [etc] without lunch. 2257%Bart: [simultaneously] be crushed today if I don't wear my lucky red 2257%Homer: [simultaneously] sandwiches today? Make them baloney sandwiches, too, 2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] Mommm! I can't eat those pimentos... 2257%Bart: [simultaneously] cap! Mommmm! Wheeeere's my caaaaap! 2257%Homer: [simultaneously] can I have two slices of baloney and... 2257%Marge: ONE AT A TIME! ONE AT A TIME! 2257% [pause] 2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] So when you make the sandwich, no pimentos 2257%Bart: [simultaneously] [etc] 2257%Homer: [simultaneously] Double baloney! Double baloney! Don't forget to 2257%Lisa: [simultaneously] Because you know how much they... 2257%Bart: [simultaneously] Mommm! Where's my lucky red cap! 2257%Homer: [simultaneously] make it baloney because... 2257%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2258%Lisa: Mom, Bart's making faces at me. 2258%Bart: It's a nervous twitch, and I'm a little sensitive about it, 2258% if you don't mind. 2258%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2259%This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the 2259%Springfield Memorial Bridge, people. Traffic going waaaay back in both 2259%directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm, because I just 2259%dropped my bagel. 2259%-- Helicopter traffic report, ``Homer Alone'' 2260%Eddie: She's locked in the car and refuses to move. 2260%Wiggum: Did you flash your lights? 2260%Eddie: Yes. 2260%Wiggum: [thinks] Well, fresh out of ideas. 2260%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2261%Wiggum: Try to talk her out of there. 2261% [hands Homer a megaphone] 2261% But don't put your lips on it or anything. 2261%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2262%Homer: [through a megaphone] Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? Hello? 2262%Marge: Homer, is that you? 2262%Homer: [aside] What should I say? 2262%Wiggum: Well, how about, ``Yes, it's me.'' 2262%Homer: [through a megaphone] Yes, it's me. 2262%-- I own a mansion and a yacht, ``Homer Alone'' 2263%I hereby declare today to be Marge Simpson Day in the city of Springfield! 2263%-- Mayor Quimby goes after the chick vote, ``Homer Alone'' 2264%Swim, play tennis, or just sit and stare at the walls. 2264%-- Advertisement for Rancho Relaxo, ``Homer Alone'' 2265%Marge: I need to unwind. 2265%Homer: I knw you do, Marge, but come on, you know what our vacations are 2265% like. Those three monsters in the back seat. ``Are we there yet? 2265% Are we there yet?'' And let's face it, I'm no day at the beach 2265% either. ``Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have 2265% another sandwich?'' 2265%-- In the comfort of your own home, ``Homer Alone'' 2266%For your information, I can take care of my... 2266%[Maggie loses her grip and falls] Auugh! 2266%[picks up Maggie] See? Got her on the first bounce. 2266%-- A bouncing baby girl, ``Homer Alone'' 2267%This is KOMA, WKOMA, restful easy listening. Coming up next, a super 2267%set of songs about clouds... 2267%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2268%Selma: Kids, you haven't touched your tongue sandwiches. 2268% You need something to drink? 2268%Patty: We've got clamato, Mr. Pibb and soy milk. 2268%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2269%Lisa: [yawns] I think I'll just hit the hay. 2269%Selma: It's 12:30 in the afternoon! 2269%Lisa: [quietly] I'm aware of the time. 2269%-- Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, ``Homer Alone'' 2270%Bart: I'm scared, Lisa. 2270%Lisa: You think know fear? Well, seen 'em naked! 2270%Bart: Waaaaauuuugh! 2270%-- Staying with Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma, ``Homer Alone'' 2271%I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as ``Today 2271%We Kill, Tomorrow We Die'' and ``Gladys the Groovy Mule''! 2271%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2272%Troy: Our tour starts in your very own room, where Relaxo-Vision offers you 2272% the latest Hollywood hits. And after midnight, the finest R-rated 2272% movies Europe has to offer! [smacks his lips] Today's selections are... 2272%Some other announcer: 2272% Thelma and Louise, 2272% The Happy Little Elves Meet Fuzzy Snuggleduck, and 2272% The Erotic Awakening of S. 2272%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2273%Homer: Come on, Maggie. Nummy-nummy-num! 2273%Maggie: [refuses to eat her baby food] 2273%Homer: Aaaaahhh... [eats some to demonstrate] 2273% Mmm... [digging in] Mmm...! 2273% [tries another jar] 2273% Mmm... strained peas. 2273%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2274%Marge, it's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of that Mexican med school. 2274%-- Gregory, the masseuse at Rancho Relaxo, ``Homer Alone'' 2275%[picks up Maggie] Whoa! Someone smells stinky! 2275%[sniffs himself] Oh, it's me. 2275%-- Barney, bastion of cleanliness, ``Homer Alone'' 2276%[sung to Brahms' Lullaby] 2276%Go to sleep... 2276%And good night... 2276%La-la la la la la la... 2276%Dee-dee-dee... 2276%Dee-dee-dee... 2276%May your Christmas Days be bright! 2276%-- Homer sings Maggie to sleep, ``Homer Alone'' 2277%Hairdresser: So, what's the verdict? 2277%Woman: [realizes she's been given a Marge Simpson hairdo] 2277% Oh, dear God! I can't even put a bag over my head! 2277%Hairdresser: Yes you can. 2277%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2278%As I said to Dolores Montenergo in ``Calling All Quakers''... 2278%``Have it way, Baby!'' 2278%-- Troy McClure, ``Homer Alone'' 2279%Marge, Maggie was very young. It's not like we got so attached to her... 2279%-- Homer practices his excuse for losing Maggie, ``Homer Alone'' 2280%Wiggum: You the man who reported the lost baby? 2280%Homer: Yes. 2280%Wiggum: Can you describe her? 2280%Homer: Uh, she's small... She's a girl... 2280%Wiggum: Bingo! [produces Maggie] 2280%-- ``Homer Alone'' 2281%Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you never even imagined. 2281%Others may find out that life isn't fair... [turning bitter] in spite 2281%of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter 2281%to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth-graders while your husband runs naked 2281%on a beach with your marriage counselor!! [stares from the students] 2281%Ahem. 2281%-- Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT), 2281% ``Separate Vocations'' 2282%First question. If I could be any animal, I would be (a) a carpenter ant, 2282%(b) a nurse shark, or (c) a lawyer bird. 2282%-- Ms. Krabappel administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT), 2282% ``Separate Vocations'' 2283%Question sixty. I prefer the smell of (a) gasoline, (b) French fries, or 2283%(c) bank customers. 2283%-- Miss Hoover administers the Career Aptitude Normalizing Test (CANT), 2283% ``Separate Vocations'' 2284%Janey: Well, that was a waste of time. 2284%Lisa: Janey, school is a waste of time. 2284%Ms.H: Since we have fifteen minute until recess, please put down your 2284% pencils and stare at the front of the room. 2284%-- Time well-spent, ``Separate Vocations'' 2285%Bart: Police officer!? Well I'll be jiggered! 2285%Dr.J: Heh heh heh. If you'd like to learn more, I could arrange for 2285% you to ride along in a police car for a night. 2285%Bart: Hey, I don't need you to get me in the back of a police car. 2285%-- Bart reads his scientifically-selected career, ``Separate Vocations'' 2286%Homer: So what are going to be, boy? 2286%Bart: Policeman. 2286%Homer: [gags on his food] 2286%-- Bart's scientifically-selected career, ``Separate Vocations'' 2287%Marge: You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, 2287% but they said he was too heavy. 2287%Homer: No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb. 2287%-- ``Separate Vocations'' 2288%Lisa: Well, going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all 2288% figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my 2288% gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the 2288% horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love 2288% affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided. 2288%Marge: Honey, if that's what you want, we'll do anything we can to help. 2288%-- Is she accepting applications for torrid love affairs? 2288% ``Separate Vocations'' 2289%I'll be frank with you Lisa, and when I say frank, I mean, 2289%you know, devastating. 2289%-- Instructor at music school, ``Separate Vocations'' 2290%Bart: Wow! Can I see your club? 2290%Cop: It's called a baton, son. 2290%Bart: Oh. What's it for? 2290%Cop: We club people with it. 2290%-- Just conduct yourself properly and nobody gets hurt, ``Separate Vocations'' 2291%Bart: So, you guys like being cops? 2291%Cop: Oh, it's great. You get to run red lights, park wherever you please, 2291% hot and cold running chicks... 2291%-- The perquisites of power, ``Separate Vocations'' 2292%Tonight, His Honor is, heh, polling the electorate. 2292%-- Eddie explains Mayor Quimby's presence at a motel, ``Separate Vocations'' 2293%Bart: Do you need straight A's to be a cop? 2293%The Two Cops: [laugh uproariously] 2293%-- Just checking, ``Separate Vocations'' 2294%Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. 2294%Almost sensuous... 2294%-- Apu, tied up after being robbed at gunpoint, ``Separate Vocations'' 2295%Wiggum: Looks like you just bought yourself a lottery ticket. To jail! 2295%Eddie: He's unconscious, sir. 2295%Wiggum: Ah, they can still hear things. 2295%-- Subliminal messages, ``Separate Vocations'' 2296%I saw some awful things in Nam, but you really have to wonder at the 2296%mentality that would desecrate a helpless puma! 2296%-- Principal Skinner, ``Separate Vocations'' 2297%Skinner: Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone 2297% topsy-turvey? 2297%Bart: That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority... 2297% [rubs his hands] And I liked it! 2297%-- ``Separate Vocations'' 2298%Look, let's can the euphemisms. No more bullspit. 2298%-- Principal Skinner, ``Separate Vocations'' 2299%Marge: Bart's grades are up a little this term. 2299% But Lisa's are way down. 2299%Homer: Oh... We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. 2299% Why can't our kids be good? 2299%Marge: We have kids, Homer. 2299%Homer: Maaarge, the dog doesn't count as a kid! 2299%-- ``Separate Vocations'' 2300%The school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. 2300%And I have you to thank. 2300%-- Principal Skinner to Hall Monitor Bart Simpson, ``Separate Vocations'' 2301%Bart: Seymour, this is an absence slip signed by Nelson's mother. 2301% And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the 2301% identical elongated loops on the `d's. 2301%Skinner: Forgery! So he have leprosy! 2301%-- The alibi falls apart, ``Separate Vocations'' 2302%Teacher: This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again! 2302%Skinner: Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, 2302% Mr. Glascock. 2302%-- I'm not touching this one, ``Separate Vocations'' 2303%Ms.H: Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named `Old Hickory'? 2303%Lisa: I don't know. You? [snickers from the class] 2303%Ms.H: Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the 2303% answer is... [flips to answer key] The Battle of New Orleans. 2303% I mean... Andrew Jackson. 2303%Lisa: Well, you're earning eighteen grand a year. [more snickers] 2303%-- ``Separate Vocations'' 2304%Skinner: Um, ladies and gentlemen, the unthinkable has happened. 2304% Some sick, twisted individual has stolen every teacher's edition 2304% in this school. 2304%Teacher: What'll we do!? 2304%Ms. K: Declare a snow day! 2304%Teacher: Does anyone know the multiplication table? 2304%Skinner: No, please, don't panic. [peers out the window] They can smell fear. 2304%-- Make no sudden movements, ``Separate Vocations'' 2305%Ms. K: Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh 2305% day, Martin will be teaching this class. 2305%Martin: I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin. 2305%Ms. K: Just do it, Braniac! 2305%-- Somebody stole all the teachers' editions of the school textbooks, 2305% ``Separate Vocations'' 2306%Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. 2306% All we have to do is search every locker. 2306%Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by 2306% the Supreme Court. 2306%Bart: Pfffffft. Supreme Court. What have done for us lately? 2306%Skinner: Let's move. 2306%-- Annoyed any Republicans today? ``Separate Vocations'' 2307%Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries, 2307%handguns [*bang*!] and many things made of zinc. 2307%-- Jimmy, a character in one of those stupid educational films, 2307% ``Bart the Lover'' 2308%If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. ... 2308%We can talk about anything. ... I'll do your homework for ya? ... 2308%-- Ms. Krabappel, alone again, ``Bart the Lover'' 2309%Mrs. Krabappel, I haven't seen you since we doubled our prices. 2309%-- Apu, ``Bart the Lover'' 2310%Those guys must be millionaires! 2310%-- Bart is awed by a yo-yo demonstration, ``Bart the Lover'' 2311%I'll bet they get all kinds of girls! 2311%-- Nelson is awed by a yo-yo demonstration, ``Bart the Lover'' 2312%Homer: Can you believe it!? Pretty soon, I'll be able to quit my job and 2312% live off the boy! 2312%Marge: What? Name me one person who's gotten rich by doing yo-yo tricks! 2312%Homer: [thinks] Donald Trump? ... No. 2312% Arnold Palmer? ... No. 2312% Bill Cosby! ... No. 2312% [out loud] D'oh! 2312%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2313%Ms.K: [reading] After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out 2313% of food and water. [Nelson raises his hand] Yes, Nelson. 2313%Nelson: Did they have any have yo-yo's? 2313%Ms.K: [exasperated] No, they did not have yo-yo's. 2313% [continues reading] When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they 2313% were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians. 2313%Milhouse: [raises his hand] Did the Indians have yo-yo's? 2313%Ms.K: [snaps] No, they did not have yo-yo's! 2313% [slams book closed] That's it! 2313% [slams book onto her desk] I am getting sick and tired of 2313% talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book 2313% reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's 2313% or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear? 2313%Bart: Yo! 2313%-- Yo, mama. ``Bart the Lover'' 2314%Milhouse: Hey Bart, got any new tricks for us today? 2314%Bart: Just one. A little something I call ``Plucking the Pickle''. 2314%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2315%I didn't do it. 2315%-- Bart, caught red-handed, ``Bart the Lover'' 2316%Willy: Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to 2316% a better place. [takes them out of the room] [a toilet flushes] 2316%-- To that big fishtank in the sky, ``Bart the Lover'' 2317%Ms.K: Bart, if I were you and you were me, would you give back the yo-yo? 2317%Bart: [imagines himself, yo-yo in hand. Ms. Krabappel is inches tall] 2317% Here ya go. 2317%Ms.K: [jumps] 2317%Bart: [pulls it out if reach] Just kidding. 2317% [drops the yo-yo] Here ya go. 2317%Ms.K: [jumps] 2317%Bart: [pulls it out if reach] Just kidding. Ha-ha-ha. 2317% [end of dream] 2317%Ms.K: Well, would you? 2317%Bart: Absolutely! 2317%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2318%Ms.H: Edna, Happy Hour in the teachers' lounge. 2318%Ms.K: Just a sec! [scribbles `B' atop all the essays] 2318%-- There's a time for quality and a time for quantity, ``Bart the Lover'' 2319%1 + 1 = 2? 2319%Recently divorced 2319%4th grade teacher 2319%wishes to meet man 2319% age: 18-60 2319%Object: 2319% SAVE 2319% ME 2319%Write: Edna K 2319% Box 402 2319%-- Ms. Krabappel's personal ad, ``Bart the Lover'' 2320%Marge: I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50. 2320%Homer: [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers. 2320%Marge: I am not! 2320%Homer: Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse 2320% commercials on TV. 2320%-- That's a load of rich creamery butter... ``Bart the Lover'' 2321%Homer: I'll build him a doghouse. [starts sketching] 2321%Marge: Oh, I don't know... 2321%Homer: Don't worry, I just drew up a little blueprint. 2321% Let me walk you through it. 2321% [shows his sketch, quality rivaling that of a 4-year-old] 2321% This is the door. He goes through that. ... This is the roof. ... 2321% This happy character here is the sun. He shines down on the house, see? 2321%-- The best-laid plans, ``Bart the Lover'' 2322%How was detention today, dear? 2322%-- Marge's motherly concern, ``Bart the Lover'' 2323%I'm starting to get the hang of the floor-waxer. 2323%-- Bart returns from another day of detention, ``Bart the Lover'' 2324%You've got a date with the Xeros machine! 2324%-- Bart receives a sexy photo of Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart the Lover'' 2325%A fella came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar? 2325%Well, sir, I gave him three quarters by mistake. Took me the whole 2325%afternoon to track him down! 2325%-- Ned Flanders, ``Bart the Lover'' 2326%Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables? 2326%Todd: Hell, no! 2326%Ned+Maude+Rod: [gasp!] 2326%Maude: What did you say? 2326%Todd: I said I didn't want any damn vegetables. 2326%Ned: All right, that's it, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight! 2326%Todd: [leaves, crying] 2326%Maude: [to Ned] Weren't you a little hard on him? 2326%Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me. 2326%-- Dinner at the Flanders' house, ``Bart the Lover'' 2327%Rev.L: [reluctantly, to phone] Hello, Ned. 2327%Ned: Sorry to bother you, Rev. Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. 2327% My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. 2327%Rev.L: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus? 2327%Ned: No, no, Reverend, the point is, he said a `bad word'! 2327%Rev.L: [realizes] Oh, oh, right, yeah. 2327% Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from . 2327% Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible. 2327%Ned: in the Bible? 2327%Rev.L: Uh... Page 900. [quickly hangs up] 2327%Ned: But Rever--- [click] 2327%Rev.L: [looks down at his dessert, which has melted] Damn Flanders. 2327%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2328%Bart: Hey, Lis. A moment of your time. 2328%Lisa: [stops playing her sax] Yeah? 2328%Bart: Suppose I was writing my letter to a girl, and I already 2328% used up my A-material. What should I say? 2328%Lisa: [teasing] Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not 2328% telling me about? [puts down he sax, bats her eyelashes coyly] 2328%Bart: Oh, please. 2328%Lisa: Is it Sherri? 2328%Bart: No. 2328%Lisa: Is it Terri? 2328%Bart: No! 2328%Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch? 2328%Bart: No! 2328%Lisa: Is it that exchange student, M!pa? 2328%Bart: No!! It's for me. It's... homework. 2328%Lisa: Sure it is. 2328% Hey Bart, [teasing, makes goo-goo eyes] let's do some homework! 2328% [puckers up] 2328%Bart: [finally fed up, pushes Lisa aside] 2328%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2329%Todd: [watches `Gomer Pyle' on television] 2329%Ned: Is this he watches? 2329%Maude: Well, he used to watch `Davey and Goliath', but he thought the idea 2329% of a talking dog was blasphemous. 2329%-- The House of the Lord, ``Bart the Lover'' 2330%[sloppily scrawled] 2330%Maybe it's the beer talking Marge but you got a butt that won't quit. 2330%they got those big chewy pretzels here merJanthfgrr five dollars??!!!? 2330%get outta here [scrawl] 2330%-- Homer's single love letter (postcard) to Marge, ``Bart the Lover'' 2331%Dear Edna, 2331%Your photo took my breath away. Truly yours is a butt that won't quit. 2331%Yesterday morning, I put your picture up in my garage to inspire me while 2331%I gapped my spark plugs. 2331%-- Bart's second letter to Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart the Lover'' 2332%Rod: At last we built the mission. 2332%Todd: Finally, the villagers have a place to pray. 2332%Rod: [sings] Bringing in the sheaves! 2332%Todd: [sings] Bringing in the sheaves! 2332%Rod+Todd: We shall come rejoicing, bringing in the sheaves! 2332%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2333%Ned: Homer, I'm afriad I've got a bone to pick with you. 2333%Homer: Look, if it's about the camcorder, I it, okay? 2333%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2334%Ned: I'm talking about your, heh heh, potty-mouth. 2334%Homer: What the hell are you talking about? 2334%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2335%All of us pull a few `boners' now and then, go off `half-cocked', make 2335%`asses' of ourselves. I don't want to be `hard on' you... 2335%-- Ned Flanders talks to Homer about his foul language, ``Bart the Lover'' 2336%Ned: I just wish you wouldn't curse in front of my boy. 2336%Homer: Oh, come on, Flanders. I don't complain about your... ... 2336% moustache! 2336%Ned: What's wrong with my moustache? 2336%Homer: Makes it look like you got something to hide. 2336%Ned: What!? 2336%Homer: [privately] People are talking... Lots of people. 2336%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2337%Homer: Hey, Marge. You wanna hear something funny? Flanders thinks I 2337% swear too much! Hee-hee! ... Marge, you're not laughing. 2337%Marge: Well, you know, maybe he's right. 2337%Homer: Well, what a surprise! Marge sticks up for Flanders! 2337% Can we have conversation where you don't bring up your hero, 2337% Ned Flanders? 2337%Marge: Actually, Homer, brought up Ned Flan--- 2337%Homer: Look, we're past that. 2337%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2338%When my father got out of the Navy, he cursed a blue streak. 2338%It nearly cost him his job as a baby photographer. 2338%-- Marge talks to Homer about his swearing, ``Bart the Lover'' 2339%Ms.K: [writing] When I read your letters, I feel as if you are right here 2339% watching me. 2339% [looks up, Bart is watching her] 2339%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2340%I can't help but feel partly responsible. 2340%-- Bart, completely responsible, ``Bart the Lover'' 2341%Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. 2341%And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry. 2341%[she cries] 2341%-- Ms. Krabappel, dumped again, ``Bart the Lover'' 2342%Gasp! Beer! How did you know! 2342%-- Homer receives a surprise gift, ``Bart the Lover'' 2343%This is your teacher!? I should start going to Parents' Night. [growls] 2343%-- Homer sees Bart's photo of a sexy Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart the Lover'' 2344%Homer: Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth! 2344%Marge: No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her! 2344%Homer: Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted 2344% to hear! 2344%-- The secret to a long-lasting marriage, ``Bart the Lover'' 2345%Step aside! Sensitive love letters are my specialty! 2345%-- Homer offers to help Bart write a love letter, ``Bart the Lover'' 2346%Dear Baby, 2346%Welcome to Dumpville. Population---You. 2346%-- Homer helps Bart write a letter, ``Bart the Lover'' 2347%Bart: How about, ``Crocodiles bit off my face.'' 2347%Marge: That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman lives a man, it 2347% doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face. 2347%Homer: I may hold you to that, Marge. 2347%-- ``Bart the Lover'' 2348%Three simple words: I am gay. 2348%-- Homer helps Bart write a letter, ``Bart the Lover'' 2349%Employee: I don't need your crummy job, Mr. Employer! I've won the lottery! 2349%Employer: Well, who needs employees? I won the lottery, too! 2349% [two window washers descend on a scaffold, each with a huge 2349% bag of cash (money overflowing) at his feet] 2349%Window washers: We both won the lottery! 2349%All: [to camera] Why don't you win the lottery, too! 2349%Announcer: The state lottery, where everybody wins! 2349% (actual odds of winning, one in 380,000,000.) 2349%-- Truth in advertising, ``Dog of Death'' 2350%Bleah. The state lottery. Exploiter of the poor and ignorant. 2350%[turns on his neon sign: BEER IS THE ANSWER] 2350%-- Moe scoffs at a lottery advertisement, ``Dog of Death'' 2351%[on the phone] Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast! 2351%How old are you? ... [jots it down] Uh huh. 2351%And what's your birthday? ... [jots it down] No kidding. 2351%And what's Lisa's birthday? ... What? You don't know your 2351%sister's birthday?? What kind of brother are you! 2351%-- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death'' 2352%Apu: Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it's time for another bank run. 2352%Sanjay: All right. But if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with 2352% my wife. 2352%Apu: I promise nothing. 2352%-- Read my lips, no lewd lapses, ``Dog of Death'' 2353%Homer: You'll never guess what happened, Marge. Are you ready? 2353% I have a feeling that we may win... the lottery!! 2353%Marge: But we never, ever... 2353%Homer: I know you're excited, but calm down and listen to me carefully... 2353%-- Brimming with excitement, ``Dog of Death'' 2354%Marge: Homer, we're on a tight budget, here. Promise me you won't get 2354% carried away. 2354%Homer: Yes, money. ... I mean, honey. 2354%-- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death'' 2355%Kent: But there's already one big winner: Our state school system, 2355% which gets fully half the profits from the library. 2355%Skinner: [talking with his teachers] 2355% Just think what we can buy with that money... 2355% History books that know how the Korean War came out. 2355% Math books that don't have that base six crap in them! 2355% And a state-of-the-art detention hall [holds up a scale model] 2355% where children are held in place with magnets. 2355%Teacher: [to no one in particular] Magnets. Always with the magnets... 2355%-- ``Dog of Death'' 2356%Kent: We now take you to the [lottery] drawing, live. I hope you've got 2356% tickets. I've got mine. 2356%[at the police station, everyone's watching. The phone rings.] 2356%Eddie: They're about to start, Chief. 2356%Wiggum: [answers the phone] No, you got the wrong number. 2356% This is nine-one....two. 2356%-- Lottery fever, ``Dog of Death'' 2357%If you were seventeen, we'd be rich! 2357%But nooooooooooo... You had to be ten. 2357%-- Homer scolds Bart, whose age he used to select his losing lottery numbers, 2357% ``Dog of Death'' 2358%I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else. 2358%I'm going home. 2358%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Dog of Death'' 2359%I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie heaven. 2359%In doggie heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around 2359%without sniffing another dog's butt! 2359%-- Homer talks to Bart when SLH falls ill, ``Dog of Death'' 2360%Bart: Is there a doggie hell? 2360%Homer: Well... Of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell. 2360%Bart: Who's in there? 2360%Homer: Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, 2360% um, Chester... 2360%Lisa: [annoyed] Checkers. 2360%Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! 2360% The one that mauled Jimmy! 2360%-- Are there pirates in doggie hell? ``Dog of Death'' 2361%Marge: Honey, $750 is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation. 2361%Bart: You're gonna just let him [SLH] die? 2361%Marge: I know you're upset... 2361%Bart: Darn right, I'm upset! 2361%Marge: Bart, watch your language! ... Oh, you did. Sorry. 2361%-- Save it for later, ``Dog of Death'' 2362%Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns. 2362%Burns: Nonsense. Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. 2362% If I came into your house and started sniffing at your 2362% crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would 2362% you say? 2362%Smithers: ... If did it, sir? 2362%-- A tough question, ``Dog of Death'' 2363%Marge: I found a way to stretch the food budget. 2363% Fried chicken night will now be organ meat night. 2363% Ham night will be Spam night. 2363% And pork chop night... 2363%Homer: [whining, fearing the worst] Oh... 2363%Marge: ... will now be chub night. 2363%Homer: Chub!? I don't even know what that is! 2363%-- Neither do I, ``Dog of Death'' 2364%Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. 2364%Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats! 2364%-- Homer's budget-saving plan, ``Dog of Death'' 2365%It's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of dental school. 2365%-- Veterinarian, ``Dog of Death'' 2366%Homer: Hey, how come he [SLH] gets meat and we don't? 2366%Marge: You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly just snouts and 2366% entrails. 2366%Homer: Mmmmmm... snouts... 2366%-- ``Dog of Death'' 2367%Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing 2367% he can't buy. 2367%Marge: What's that? 2367%Homer: [thinks] A dinosaur! 2367%-- ``Dog of Death'' 2368%Why here's a fellow. Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me... 2368%-- Monty Burns selects a new attack dog (SLH), ``Dog of Death'' 2369%If that were a real girl scout, I'd have been bothered by now! 2369%-- Burns scolds SLH, his new attack dog, ``Dog of Death'' 2370%I know how you feel. I lost my dog, too. He's in here somewhere... 2370%[a muffled whimper emerges from somewhere in his apartment] 2370%-- Barney can't help find SLH, ``Dog of Death'' 2371%That was his dish... And that was his leash... And that's where he took 2371%a wizz on the rug... [sobs] 2371%-- Homer looks back on the days with Santa's Little Helper, ``Dog of Death'' 2372%Marge: Homer, get a hold of yourself. Even if he [SLH] passed on, 2372% there's no reason to cry. Remember, doggie heaven? 2372%Homer: Oh, Marge, there is no such place! 2372%Marge: Ahem. 2372%Homer: [spots the kids] Or... To put it another way... There ... 2372%-- Yes and no, ``Dog of Death'' 2373%Bart: I'm not giving up. I don't care if I have to knock on every door 2373% in this two-bit town. I'm going to find my dog! 2373%Homer: And I'll be right here watching TV. 2373%-- He'll be with you in spirit, maybe, ``Dog of Death'' 2374%Kent: [answering the door] Hello, I'm Kent Brockman. 2374%Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I lost my dog. 2374%Kent: Mm hm. And I suppose you want me to buy you a new one, mm? 2374% You know, ever since I won the lottery, everybody wants a 2374% piece of Kent Brockman. Homeless this and hungry that... 2374%-- ``Dog of Death'' 2375%Smithers: Um, I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir, 2375% but there's a sweet little boy at the door. 2375%Burns: Release the hounds. 2375%-- ``Dog of Death'' 2376%NO DOGS WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE. 2376%A CAT GOT SICK AND SOMEBODY SHOT A DUCK, BUT THAT'S IT. 2376%-- Watching cartoons is also dolphin-safe, ``Dog of Death'' 2377% Live, from Nevada, it's the Miss American girl pageant. Brought to 2377% you by Meryl Streep versatility-- Smell like Streep, for cheap. 2378%Marge: Kids, I won't be home tonight so I'm leaving you some low-cal 2378% microwaveable TV dinners. 2378%Lisa: [uninterested] Huh. 2378%Bart: [unconcerned] Okay. 2378%Marge: I'm auditioning for a play. It's a musical version of ``A Streetcar 2378% named Desire'' Isn't that exciting? 2378%Kids: [not a peep] 2379% If you ask me, they're all winners. We will be cutting our first 40 2379% contestants right after this... 2380%Troy: Mr. Boswell, could you give us a sneak peek at this year's list? 2380%Boswell: Memo to Goldie Hawn, cheerleading tryouts were 30 years ago, 2380% let's grow-up shall we? 2381%Marge: I haven't been in a play since high-school, and I thought it 2381% would be a good chance to meet some other adults. 2381%Homer: Sounds interesting. 2381%Marge: You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie and sometimes it's 2381% like I don't even exist. 2381%Homer: Sounds interesting. 2381%Marge: Mmmmm! [and indignantly leaves the room] 2382%Troy: Ms. Montana. 2382%Homer: A beaut from Butte. 2382%Troy: Ms. South Carolina. 2382%Homer: Nuthin' could be finer. 2382%Troy: Ms. Delaware. 2382%Homer Gee [pause] Well, good for her. 2383%Marge: La-la-la-la... 2383%Homer: [yelling] Marge, keep it down in there! 2383%Marge: Homer, my audition is in half- 2383%Lisa: [excited] Hey look! It's last year's winner, Debra Jo Smallwood! 2384% Tonight, my reign is Miss America Girl comes to an end. And I would 2384% like to apologize one last time for my unfortunate remarks at the 2384% United Nations. 2385%Homer: [dominantly] And where exactly are you going? 2385%Marge: [stops, eyes in the air] I'm auditioning for a play. 2385%Homer: [mock surprise] Well, this is the first I heard about it. 2385%Marge: I told you several times, it's a musical version of ``A Streetcar 2385% name-- 2385%Homer: [interrupting] Excuse me, Marge, I think that if you told me, 2385% I'll would have remembered. I mean I'm not an idiot. 2385%Marge: Mhmm, well I thought I told you. 2385%Homer: Kids, back me up. 2385%Bart: [not really listening] He's right, Mom. 2385%Lisa: [not really listening] Sorry. 2385%Homer: [revelled] Match point, Homer. 2385%Marge: [faintly] I'm sorry, honey. 2385%Homer: That's okay, were none us perfected. 2386%Ned: [chuckle] How'd do, neighbour! 2386%Marge: Hi, Ned. I didn't know you were an actor. 2386%Ned: Oh, indeedly doodly. I've been in Streetcar once before--I played 2386% Blanche Dubois. Just part of going to an all-male school. 2387% Halloo! I am Lou Allen Sinclair. I've directed three plays in my 2387% career, and I've had three heart-attacks. That's how much I care-- 2387% I'm planning for a fourth. 2388% I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing `Hats off to Hunka', 2388% I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much 2388% from fourth graders? [holds up a newspaper clipping] The review: 2388% `Play Enjoyed by All', speaks for itself. 2389%Otto: Hey man, If you like that, you should see my butt! 2389%Sinclair: [to Ned] You! You're my Stanley. 2389%Ned: Hot diggly! [laugh] How'd about that, Marge. 2389% Lil'o Stanley me! [laughs] Stella. STELLA! 2390% You're all terrible. What you ladies don't understand is that Blanche 2390% is a delicate flower being trapped by a clout. Oh forget it! 2390% Just strike the set, clear the stage, this production is-- 2391%Marge: Homey, I didn't get the part. You were right, outside interest 2391% were stupid. 2391%Sinclair: [gasps] Wait a minute! 2391%Marge: Ah huh, I come home right way. [pause] Allright, I pick up a 2391% bucket of fried chicken, extra skin, rolls, Chocolate cream 2391% parffa-- 2391%Sinclair: [grabbing the handset and shouts] Stop bothering my Blanche! 2392%Marge: [excited] I play an aging southern beauty who's driven to insanity 2392% by her brutish brother in-law, Stanley. 2392%Lisa: [impressed] Wow, my mother the actress. I feel like Lucy Arnes 2392% Luckenbel! 2392%Bart: Are there any giant talking robots in this play? 2392%Marge: Mmmm, I don't think so. 2392%Homer: [barks] Bart, don't ask stupid questions! [turns to Marge] 2392% Is there any frontal nudity? 2392%Marge: [eyes in the air] No, Homer. 2393%Helen: My name is Helen Lovejoy, and I'd be playing Stella. 2393%Apu: I'm Apu Mahasapeemapetilon (?sp!). I play Steve. 2393%Otto: My name is Otto, I'm playing Pablo. 2393%Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class action suit 2393% against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from 2393% the play. I also play Mitch. 2393%Marge: I'm Marge Simpson, I'd be playing Blanche. I made some peanut 2393% butter brownies for everyone. 2393%Sinclair: [eating a cookie] Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality? 2393%Wiggum: I would. 2394%Sinclair: [waving his hands about] Stanley? 2394%Ned: [eagerly] Yeah? 2394%Sinclair: You-you're pulsing with animal lust. You take Blanche and you 2394% fling her roughly to the bed. 2394%Ned: Roger Dodger. [approaches Marge] 2395%Ned: [getting up] Ohhh, isn't that cute--me without a camera. 2395%Sinclair: [furiously] Here, my sister runs a day-care center. 2395% [hands Marge a business card] 2395%Marge: Mmmm, I guess a few weeks wouldn't hurt her. 2395%Maggie: [looks around, bug eyed] -suck!- 2396%Marge: Maggie is allergic to strained peas, and she likes a bottle 2396% of warm milk before nap time. 2396%Ms.Sinclair: [authoritatively] A bottle? [laugh] Mrs. Simpson, do you 2396% know what a baby's saying when she reaches for a bottle? 2396%Marge: Ba Ba? 2396%Ms.Sinclair: [pointing her finger] She saying `I am a leach!' Our aim 2396% here is to develop the bottle within. 2396%Marge: [unsure] That sounds awfully harsh. 2396%Ms.Sinclair: [standing up from her chair] Mrs. Simpson, I don't like to 2396% toot my own horn, but with the only day-care in town that's 2396% not currently investigation by the state.. 2396%Marge: Oh. [looks at Maggie] Well be a good girl Maggie. [kisses her] 2397%Ned: Your a dame and I'm a fella. 2397%Marge: [listlessly] Stanley, stop, or I tell Stella. 2397%Sinclair: [yelling] Passion, Mrs. Simpson, anger--this man disgusts you. 2397%Ned: All I want is one embrace. 2397%Marge: I'll twist this bottle in your face. [fails to smash the bottle] 2397%Ned: [chuckles] Here, Marge, let me--I hate to be an armchair Blanche, 2397% but I give it one of these [breaks bottle] There, there's the old 2397% face shredder. 2397%Marge: [shocked] Oh! 2397%Sinclair: [angrily] Mrs. Simpson, if you've set out to push the vile to 2397% the tip of my throat, mission accomplished. [sigh] I am--I'm 2397% going to crawl into bed with a bottle of Aimarito. Good day. 2398%Homer: [excited] Easy, easy, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. D'oh! 2398%Machine: -7-10 spilt- 2398%Marge: [putting the script down] Homer, could you run lines with me? 2398%Homer: Make Bart do it! 2398%Marge: It'll just take a sec. 2398%Machine: -Gutter ball- 2398% Homer: [angrily] D'oh! You see Marge, when you're off in your little 2398% world, you forget [pointing to the game] that people have 2398% problems too. 2399%Sinclair: [massaging his forehead] Allright, let amateur night in Dixie 2399% commence. 2399%Marge: [raising a bottle above head] I'm sorry, Lou Allen. I just--I just 2399% don't see why Blanche should shove a broken bottle in Stanley's 2399% face? Couldn't she take his abuse with gentle good humor? 2400%Homer: Marge, your rides here. 2400%Marge: [angrily] Homer, it will be just a few minutes more! 2400%Ned: You're a dame and I'm a fella. 2400%Marge: Stanley, stop, or I'll tell Stella. 2400%Sinclair: [yelling] Marge, Marge! I'm asking for white-hot rage, 2400% and you're giving me a hussy fit. 2400%Homer: Marge, can I get some change for the candy machine? 2400%Sinclair: [grabbing into a pocket] Oh Here! [throws coins to the floor] 2400%Homer: [collecting the coins] Hey, there's some quarters in here. 2400%Marge: I just don't see what so bad about Stanley. 2401%Sinclair: Stanley is thoughtless, violet and loud. Marge, every second 2401% you spend with this man, he is crushing your fragile spirt. 2401% You can't let that happen. 2401%Homer: [yells, then kicks the machine. candy spills out onto the floor] 2401% Woo hoo! Come to papa. [gathering the candy] Marge, I'll be 2401% in the car. [exits] 2401%Ned: All I want is one embrace. 2401%Homer: [honking carhorn] Marge, move it or loose it! 2401%Marge: [infuriated, she grabs the bottle] I twist this bottle in your face! 2401% [breaks bottle and lunges towards Ned] 2401%Sinclair: [joy] I've done it again. 2401% Ned, you're suppose to overpower her! 2401%Ned: [struggling] I'm trying, I'm trying! 2402%Homer: Salt me. 2402%Marge: [Southern accent] Here you are, Homer. 2402%Homer: What the?! Why are you talking like that? 2402%Marge: [Southern accent] The play's tomorrow night. I've got to stay in 2402% character. 2402%Lisa: [Southern accent] Hey, mom, would it help if I talk like this, too? 2402%Marge: [Southern accent] It might. 2402%Bart: [English accent] And I'll talk like this. Bob's your uncle, mate. 2402%Marge: That really doesn't help Bob. 2402%Lisa: [Southern accent] Big daddy, would you mine passing a Little'ol 2402% biscuit? 2402%Bart: [English accent, leans towards Homer] Can I slug off school 2402% tomorrow? Got a pain in me gulliver. 2402%Homer: [holding his face with both hands] I'm living in a coo-coo clock! 2402%Marge: [notices the time] Oh, see you later, kids. I've got to rehearse 2402% with Ned. 2402%Homer: But Marge, what about dessert? 2402%Marge: [at the doorway] For God sakes, you can pull the lid off your 2402% own can of pudding! [exits] 2402%Homer: [angrily] Fine, I will. [picks up a can of pudding] 2403% Waaaa! Oh, no! My pudding is trapped forever! 2403% So, I can open my own can of pudding can I? Shows what you know, Marge! 2404%Marge: Keep yelling you big ape. 2404%Ned: Aren't you being a little hard on old Homey? 2404%Marge: [enraged] Ommph, forget about him! Let's rehearse the bottle scene. 2404% [grabs a bottle, smashes it, and points it towards Ned] 2404%Ned: [chuckles weakly] Let's not say we did. 2405%Homer: [without looking up] So what time does this play start? 2405%Marge: [muffled] Why, are you going? 2405%Homer: Well, I gonna go, don't I? 2405%Marge: I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy it. There's nothing about bowling in 2405% the play. Oh, well, there is. 2405%Homer: Probably not much of it. 2405%Marge: Why can't you be a little more supportive? 2405%Homer: [puts down the game] Cause I don't care, okay. I can't fake an 2405% interest in this, and I'm an expert in faking an interest in your 2405% kooky projects. 2405%Marge: What kooky projects? 2405%Homer: [waving his hands about] You know, the painting class, the first- 2405% aid course, the whole Lamaze thing. 2405%Marge: Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? 2405%Homer: You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt your feelings. Good night 2405% [snores loudly] 2405%Marge: [frustrated] Mhmmm! 2406% Play nicely little humans? Good, good. [sees Maggie] Hello Maggie. 2406% [under her breath] Poor little dumber. 2407%Mr. Sinclair gives a pep-talk to his actors before the play begins. 2408% Perhaps they're all a little mad, we who don captive bells and tread 2408% beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight, you will all be transformed 2408% from dead-eye suburbanites into white-hot grease fires of pure 2408% entertainment! 2409%lady: What's the matter honey, are you lost? 2409%Marge/Blanche: I'm looking for my sister, Stella. 2409%Lisa: It's Mom! 2409%Homer: [looking up] Huh? 2409%Marge/Blanche: My name is Blanche Dubois. I thought my life would be a 2409% Mardi Gras... A never-ending party... [pause] Ha! 2409% I'm a faded Southern dame without a dime... 2410%Apu/Steve: I'm collecting for the Evening Star. 2410%Marge/Blanche: Come here... I want to kiss you, just once... 2410% Softly, and sweetly... on your mouth. 2411% [Apu walks a few steps towards the audience] 2412%Apu/Steve: I am just a simple paperboy, 2412% no romance do I seek... 2413% I just wanted forty cents, 2413% for my deliveries last week... 2414% Will this bewitching floozy, 2414% seduce this humble newsie? 2415% Oh, what's a paperboy to... [pause] Dooo? 2416% [Apu walks back to Marge where they kiss] 2417% Stella! STELLLAAAA! 2417% Can't you hear me YELLA! 2417% You're puttin' me through HELLA! 2417% Stella... STELLLAAAA! 2418%Bart: [his eyes following Marge] Wow, she can fly! 2418%Lisa: [sighs] I think it's suppose to symbolize her decent into madness. 2419%Marge/Blanche: Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of 2419% strangers... 2420%Cast: You can always depend on the kindness of strangers... 2420% To pluck up your spirits, and shield you from dangers... 2421%Marge/Blanche: Now here's a tip from Blanche you won't regret... 2422%Cast: A stranger's just a friend you haven't met... 2422% You haven't met...STREETCAR! 2423%Lisa: [excited] Mom! [lets go of rope] 2423%Bart: [getting up from the floor] Way to go, Mom! 2423%Lisa: Everybody was cheering for you. 2423%Marge: [sighs] Almost everybody. 2423%Homer: Kids, wait in the car. I want to talk to your mother about this 2423% play thing. 2423%Bart: [nudging] Look'n for a spot to find with the Muses, Huh governor? 2423% [clicks cheek] 2423%Homer: Shut-up Boy! 2423%Homer [turning to Marge] Marge, you were terrific! 2423%Marge: [unconvinced] Oh come on, Homer. By the end you were so bored, 2423% you could barely keep your selfish head up. 2423%Homer: I wasn't bored, I was sad. It really got to me how that lady here, 2423% Hump, you know which one I mean, you played her. 2423%Marge: Blanche! 2423%Homer: Yeah. How Blanche was sad, and that guy Stanley should have been 2423% nice to her. 2423%Marge: Yeah? Go on. 2423%Homer: I mean it made me feel bad, the poor thing ends up being hauled to 2423% the nut house when all she needed was for that big slob to show 2423% her some respect. At least, that what I thought--I have a history 2423% of missing a point of stuff like this. 2423%Marge: No, Homer, you got it just right. [hugs Homer] 2424%Homer: Hey, you know, I'm a lot like that guy. 2424%Marge: Really? 2424%Homer: Yeah, like when I pick my teeth with a nail and stuff. 2424%Marge: Well, maybe just a little. 2425%Bart: If you don't watch the violence, you'll never get desensitized to it. 2425%Lisa: [covering her eyes] Please tell me when the scary part's over. 2425%Bart: [pause] It's over. 2425%Lisa: [uncovers her eyes] 2425% [the movie theater is bathed in red as we hear blood spurting] 2425% Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! 2425%-- Watching `Space Mutant IV', ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2426%Man 1: Hey you, let's fight. 2426%Man 2: Them's fightin' words! 2426%-- Say what you mean, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2427%Okay, Fudd me. 2427%-- Homer orders a beer, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2428%Lurleen: So what's your name, stranger? 2428%Homer: Homer J. Simpson. 2428%Lurleen: My name's Lurleen Lumpkin. 2428%Homer: That's a pretty name. 2428%Lurleen: Oh, you think so? 2428%Homer: Maybe. I'm not sure. I forgot it. 2428%-- Persistence of memory, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2429% [in the operating room, the power flickers] 2429%Nurse: Doctor, you weren't supposed to remove his gall bladder. 2429%Doctor: Put it back! Put it back! 2429%-- It was like that when I got here! ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2430%Lurleen, I can't get your song out of my mind. 2430%I haven't felt this way since Funky Town! 2430%-- Homer, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2431%Moe: [listening to a song on the radio] For the next half hour, 2431% beer is on the house. 2431%Barney: [bursts out of the men's room] What'd you say, Moe? 2431% [pull back to see that the bar is otherwise empty] 2431%Moe: Nuthin'. 2431%-- Trees falling in the forest, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2432%Krusty: [slapping Sideshow Mel] I thought I told you to stay away from 2432% my sister!! 2432% [a song comes on the radio] 2432% [softens] Oh, here's 50 bucks. Take her to the Copa. 2432%-- Calms the savage breast, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2433%I can feel her sweet country soul in every digitally-encoded bit. 2433%-- Lisa, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2434%Country music sucks. All it does is take precious air space away from 2434%shock DJ's, whose cruelty and profanity amuse us all. 2434%-- Bart the Critic, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2435%Marge: Who is this woman? 2435%Homer: Well, right now, she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress, 2435% but she's going to be a country music superstar like... 2435% uh... that jerk in the cowboy hat... and that dead lady. 2435%-- ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2436%Marge, you make it sound so seamy. 2436%All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on 2436%some outfits. 2436%-- Homer tries to reassure Marge, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2437%Lurleen: Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know... 2437% wantin' sum'in' in return. 2437%Homer: Well, now, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now 2437% I feel kinda guilty about it. 2437%-- Ask and you shall receive, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2438%Lurleen: [chuckles] Oh Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar. 2438%Homer: Hey! [thinks on it] You say sugar, right? 2438%-- ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2439%Lurleen: Homer, I want you to be my manager. 2439%Homer: Really?! Well, I should warn you, I'm not great with figures. 2439%Lurleen: That's okay. 2439%Homer: I make a lot of stupid decisions. 2439%Lurleen: Nobody's perfect. 2439%Homer: I did bad in school. 2439%Lurleen: I didn't even go. 2439%Homer: My personal hygeine has been described as... 2439%-- Is that a fair recital of my deficiencies? ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2440%Now this is made from a space-age fabric specially designed for Elvis. 2440%Sweat actually cleans this suit! 2440%-- Clerk at the Corpulent Cowboy, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2441%Homer: Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of 2441% managing a beautiful country singer! 2441%Marge: Your boyhood dream is to eat the world's biggest hoagie! 2441% And you did it at the county fair last year, remember!? 2441%-- ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2442%Marge: Homer, how much did you just give that man!? 2442%Homer: Calm down, Marge, it's just our life savings. I'm not going into hock 2442% for this. 2442%-- ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2443%Marge: Hm... I thought you said she was overweight. 2443%Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. 2443%-- Tangoing optional, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2444%Homer: Guess what, Lurleen. I got you a gig on TV! 2444%Lurleen: [squeals with delight] Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you 2444% are handsome! 2444%Homer: [angry] Hey! [softens] Oh, you meant that as a compliment. 2444%-- ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2445%Marge: All our money's tied up in this woman. If she fails, we're broke. 2445% If she succeeds, I have no husband. I don't know what to root for. 2445%Patty: You don't? 2445%-- ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2446%Much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit. 2446%-- Bart on Homer, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2447%I'm from Rebel Yell Records, a division of the Tokasagi Corporation. 2447%-- ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2448%Now before we negotiate, I have to tell you I'm desperate to unload Lurleen, 2448%and I'll take any offer. 2448%-- Homer Simpson, Master Bargainer, ``(Colonel Homer)'' 2449%Dad Dinosaur: Would you turn off that rock-and-rock music? 2449%Boy Dinosaur: Hey, don't have a stegasaurus, man! 2449%-- Television on television, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2450%These talking dinosaurs are more real than most families on TV. 2450%-- Lisa watches `Dinosaurs', ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2451%It's like they saw our lives and put it right up on screen! 2451%-- Bart watches `Dinosaurs', ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2452%Patty: Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. 2452% So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. 2452% Her new sweetie's a jailbird. 2452%Bart: Coooool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunchtray! 2452%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2453%Homer: Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent to prison, 2453% the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives, and... 2453% [vigorously mimes with his steak knife] tear him a new belly button! 2453% Ungh! Ungh! Lousy snitch! Yaargh! 2453%Bart: [laughs nervously, loosens his collar] 2453%-- Don't give him any ideas, dear. ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2454%Sideshow Bob: Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble 2454% truths of the Buddha. 2454%Homer: I am not! 2454%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2455%Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob! 2455%-- Krusty's bitter remarks towards an imprisoned Sideshow Bob upon the 2455% latter's winning of a Daytime Emmy, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2456%Now for the highlight of the evening, Best Film-to-Video Transfer. 2456%-- Krusty hosts the Daytime Emmys, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2457%Sideshow Bob: [menacingly] Bart, if I wanted to kill you, I'd have choked 2457% you like a chicken the moment I walked in that door. 2457%Family: Gasp! 2457%Sideshow Bob: [cheerily] But then, what kind of guest would I have been? 2457%Family: [chuckle, except for Bart] 2457%-- On the other hand, if he'd brought a gift first... 2457% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2458%Sideshow Bob: You can't take my Emmy! 2458%Prison Guard: Hey, you know the rules. Awards for excellence in entertainment 2458% are contraband. No Emmys, no Oscars, not even a Golden Globe. 2458%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2459%Dear No 24601... 2459% I need a man, and I cannot find one among the law-abiding. 2459% I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby filing nuisance lawsuits. 2459%I share an apartment with my twin sister. Enclosed is a photo of us on 2459%a tandem bike. I forget which one I am. 2459%-- Selma's letter to Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2460%You're living proof that our revolving door prison system works. 2460%-- Lisa to Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2461%Sideshow Bob: Selma, would you mind if I did something bold and shocking 2461% in front of your family? 2461%Selma: All right. But no tongues. [removes her cigarette and puckers up] 2461%Sideshow Bob: Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine 2461% ashtray, that's not what I had in mind. 2461%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2462%Kissing you would be like kissing some divine ashtray. 2462%-- Sideshow Bob to his new love Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2463%Sideshow Bob: Selma, will you marry me? 2463%Bart: Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma! That man is scum! 2463%Selma: Then call me Mrs. Scum! 2463%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2464%We now return to the 27th Annual Krusty the Clown Telethon for Motion Sickness. 2464%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2465%I love you people! I love my kids! [indicates] 2465%Poor little guys. So tragic. So nauseous. You should see the bus they 2465%came to the studio in! 2465%-- Krusty hosts his Telethon for Motion Sickness, 2465% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2466%Sideshow Bob: Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you and putting 2466% you in jail? 2466%Krusty: Hey, if they ever open the books on this telethon, I'm right back 2466% in there! 2466%-- Telethon for Motion Sickness, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2467%Marge: Now, about your wedding dress. Mmm, I'm not sure how to put this... 2467%Selma: White! 2467%Marge: [writing] White. 2467%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2468%Homer: You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies! They taste as good as 2468% they look, and they come with this delicious red sauce. It 2468% looks like ketchup. It tastes like ketchup. But brother, it 2468% ain't ketchup! 2468%Sideshow Bob: Well, Selma, he makes a good case. 2468%-- Catering the wedding, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2469%This wedding is spinning out of control. Can we really afford it? 2469%I've already run through eight of the ten dollars they gave me when 2469%I left prison. 2469%-- Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2470%Hey, relax. I told you, I got money. 2470%I bought stock in a mace company just before society crumbled. 2470%-- Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2471%I just hope people don't think I'm marrying you for your money. 2471%Instead of your... less tangible qualities. 2471%-- Sideshow Bob to Selma, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2472%Selma: Driver, here's a fin. Get me home and don't spare the whip! 2472%Barney: [the carriage driver] Whatever you say, Mum! [belch] 2472%-- For that added romantic touch, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2473%Man: Thank you, Senor McGyver. You've saved our village. 2473%McGyver: Don't thank me. Thank the moon's gravitational pull. 2473%-- Watching television, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2474%Selma: That McGyver's a genius. 2474%Sideshow Bob: First of all, he's not a genius. He's an actor. 2474% And second, he's not of an actor. 2474%Selma: [refusing to believe] You're lying! You're lying! 2474%Sideshow Bob: No, Selma. is lying. 2474% [puts on an absurd smile] 2474% That was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never 2474% made me want to retch. 2474%-- Telling it like it is, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2475%Sideshow Bob: Selma, I don't know what to say... 2475%Selma: Just tell me you like McGyver. 2475%Sideshow Bob: Very well, I... I... [breaks down] 2475% I can't do it! Even that car chase seemed tacked-on! 2475%-- A critical eye, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2476%Homer: I hate all the programs Marge likes, but it's no big deal. 2476% You know why? 2476%Selma: No. 2476%Sideshow Bob: Go on. 2476%Homer: Whenever Marge turns on one of her ``non-violent'' programs, 2476% I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble 2476% home in the mood for looooove. [puts his hand on Marge's lap] 2476%Marge: [smiles, takes his hand] 2476%-- Meeting halfway, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2477%Bart no like. Bad medicine. 2477%-- Bart expresses his disapproval, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2478%Lisa: [bitterly] could've been the flower girl. And I wouldn't keep 2478% falling down, either. 2478%Bart: Hey, they chose Maggie, okay? 2478%Lisa: Yeah, well, if you want to go for cutesiness instead of competence, fine. 2478%-- Selma's wedding, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2479%Marge: [wielding a camcorder at Selma's wedding reception] 2479% Ooh, there's Krusty the Clown. Krusty, Krusty, say something funny! 2479%Krusty: Oh, gee, a joke. Um... Um... Uh, funny, uh, okay. Uh, 2479% this guy walks into a bar and takes out a tiny piano and a 2479% twelve-inch pianist. Oh hoho, no, wait! I can't tell one! 2479%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2480%Ah, fire! Scourge of Prometheus! Toaster of marshmallows! 2480%[evilly] Eradicator of deadwood... 2480%-- Sideshow Bob lights the fireplace, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2481%Sideshow Bob: [rubbing Selma's feet] [quietly] Soon I will kill you... 2481%Selma: What? 2481%Sideshow Bob: Son pied sont il beau. [?] 2481% French for ``Her foot smells lovely.'' 2481%Selma: [calms down] Oh... 2481%Sideshow Bob: [quietly] Prepare to be murdered... 2481%Selma: Huh? 2481%Sideshow Bob: /eh pah dee meh moo-doo/. 2481% That's Sanskrit for ``Your toes are like perfume.'' 2481%Selma: [calms down] Oh... 2481%Sideshow Bob: [quietly] /voia matara/ usted. 2481%Selma: Wha? 2481%Sideshow Bob: That's Spanish for... [quietly] I'm going to kill you... 2481%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2482%You tried to kill me. I want a separation. 2482%-- Selma to her husband of nary a few days Sideshow Bob, 2482% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2483%My best-laid plans have gang agley! 2483%-- Sideshow Bob, poetic to the end, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2484%Bart: Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail for a two-time loser? 2484%Wiggum: Well, no, frankly. But that never stopped us before. 2484%-- Sideshow Bob, foiled again, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2485%Sideshow Bob: Bart, I must know. How did you untangle my web? 2485%Chief Wiggum: Yeah, Bart, pull us in! 2485%Bart: Well, I'd hate to tell the number one cop in town how to do 2485% his job... 2485%Chief Wiggum: No no, please. It's the only way I'll learn. 2485%-- ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2486%Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. 2486%-- Bart the Hero, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2487%To the Simpson-Mobile! 2487%-- Homer, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2488%I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. 2488%And when they get in, I'm back on the street! With all of my criminal buddies! 2488%Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha!! 2488%-- Sideshow Bob, ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2489%There was one little boy who never lost his mistrust. 2489%-- Marge, on Bart's unraveling of Sideshow Bob's murderous plan, 2489% ``The Return of Sideshow Bob'' 2490%Bart: Hey, Milhouse, cool jacket! 2490%Milhouse: It cost me 50,000 Bazooka Joe comics! 2490%-- ``Otto Show'' 2491%Homer: Now just meet me back here after the show. 2491%Bart: Thanks, Dad. Sure you're not going to be bored? 2491%Homer: [chuckles] Boy, some of the best times I've ever had were in the 2491% back seat of a car! Heh, heh, heh, heh... 2491% [flashback. Inspiration Point. Homer in the back seat, his car 2491% springing up and down] 2491%Young Homer: [lustfully] Ohhhhhhh.... Oh, baby... 2491% [Young Homer eats pizza, hot dogs, chips...] 2491%-- ``Otto Show'' 2492%Check it out, Spinal Tap kicking Mohammar Qadaffi in the butt. 2492%A timeless classic. Now two for a dollar. 2492%-- Hawking t-shirts, ``Otto Show'' 2493%Fellas, I'm going to hit you with a phrase that has dogged you throughout 2493%your career. ``Washed-up.'' 2493%-- Interviewing Spinal Tap, ``Otto Show'' 2494%Here you are, among the top one hundred and five concert acts today. 2494%What's your secret, guys? 2494%-- Interviewing Spinal Tap, ``Otto Show'' 2495%We're very big in Bulgaria. And what-his-name, the other -garia... 2495%-- Spinal Tap speaks, ``Otto Show'' 2496%Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls... Duff Beer, in association with 2496%Laramie Cigarettes, is proud to welcome... Spinal Tap! 2496%-- Rock concert, ``Otto Show'' 2497%Tonight, the city weeps, as for the first time ever, a hockey arena 2497%becomes then scene of violence. 2497%-- Kent Brockman reports on a concert riot, ``Otto Show'' 2498%Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with 2498%rock-and-roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's 2498%``The Magic Flute''. So, what's the answer? Ban all music? In this 2498%reporters opinion, the answer, sadly, is `yes'. 2498%-- Kent Brockman's two cents, ``Otto Show'' 2499%Homer: Now, boy, we spent a lot of money, so you'd better get real good 2499% real fast, or ! 2499%Marge: Homer! 2499%Homer: Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him. 2499%-- Feedback of all types, ``Otto Show'' 2500%I'd loik to play me latest chart-toppah. It's called, 2500%``Me Fans Are Stupid Pigs''. 2500%-- Bart the heavy-metal rock star, ``Otto Show'' 2501%Bart: I didn't know you played the guitar, Otto-Man! 2501%Otto: Hey, that's all I in high school! 2501%-- ``Otto Show'' 2502%My old man said I was wasting my time, and I'd never amount to anything. 2502%He-hah-hah-hah! He-hah-hah-hah-heh-heh! [realizes] Oh... 2502%-- Otto, ``Otto Show'' 2503%Otto: Uh-oh. Better fasten your seat belts, little dudes! 2503%Lisa: We don't have seat belts. 2503%Otto: Well, then, uh... Just try to go limp. 2503%-- ``Otto Show'' 2504%I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality. 2504%-- Otto, ``Otto Show'' 2505%Well, that tears it. Until you get a [drivers] license and wear your own 2505%underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay! 2505%-- Principal Skinner to Otto, ``Otto Show'' 2506%Patty: [laughs spontaneously] 2506%Selma: What's so funny? 2506%Patty: I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the 2506% toaster. 2506%Selma: We'll watch the tape tonight. 2506%-- ``Otto Show'' 2507%You failed every segment, and misspelled `bus' on your application. 2507%-- Patty administers Otto's driving test, ``Otto Show'' 2508%Hey, landlord! Some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door, and 2508%put on an eviction notice! 2508%-- Otto, ``Otto Show'' 2509%Otto: Can I at least get my stuff? 2509%Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old 2509% `Psycho' magazines. 2509%Otto: Wow! I have mustard? 2509%-- Otto gets evicted, ``Otto Show'' 2510%Bart: Otto-Man? You're living in a dumpster? 2510%Otto: Ho, man, I wish. Dumpster-brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. 2510% This is just a Trash-Co waste disposal unit. 2510%-- His summer home is the aluminum recycle bin down the street, ``Otto Show'' 2511%Marge: What's going on? 2511%Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this 2511% afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it. 2511%Marge: What conversation? 2511%Bart: [turns on a tape recorder] 2511%Tape: [Bart] ``Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants?'' 2511% [bad imitation of Marge] ``He sure can!'' 2511%Homer: Marge, what were you thinking! 2511%Marge: That's not my voice! 2511%Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape. 2511%-- ``Otto Show'' 2512%Otto: Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go! 2512%Homer: Forget it! That lie didn't work for my dad, and it's not 2512% going to work for you! 2512%-- ``Otto Show'' 2513%Marge: Doesn't the Bible say, ``Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, 2513% that you do unto me''? 2513%Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say ``Thou shalt not take... moochers 2513% into thy... hut''? 2513%-- ``Otto Show'' 2514%Bart: Please, Dad? If you let Otto stay, he'll help around the house and 2514% chip in a few bucks whenever he can. 2514%Homer: All right, he can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage. 2514%Otto: Wow! What's the catch? 2514%-- The catch is, you have to stay with the Simpsons, ``Otto Show'' 2515%Homer: Will you knock it off, I can't hear myself think! 2515% [the music stops] 2515% [thinks] I want some peanuts. 2515% [aloud] That's better! 2515%-- ``Otto Show'' 2516%Homer: Hey, how come you never play your guitar any more? 2516%Bart: I'll tell ya the truth, Dad. I wasn't goot at it right away, so 2516% I quit. I hope you're not mad. 2516%Homer: [sweetly] Son, come here! Heh heh heh... 2516% [Bart sits on Homer's knee] 2516% Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not 2516% worth doing! You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your 2516% short-wave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle, and we'll 2516% go inside and watch TV. 2516%-- ``Otto Show'' 2517%Bart: What are you going to do, Otto? 2517%Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who 2517% knows how to fake his own death. 2517%-- ``Otto Show'' 2518%I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time. This time, I'm hung over! 2518%-- Otto dreads his driving test, ``Otto Show'' 2519%Bart: You can do it, Otto! You're the coolest adult I ever met! 2519%Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. ... 2519% I've been tried as one, but... 2519%-- ``Otto Show'' 2520%``Alcohol imcreases your ability to drive.'' [looks up the answer] 2520%``False''!? Oh, man! 2520%-- Otto studies for his driving test, ``Otto Show'' 2521%Bart: Cool! An oversized novelty billiard ball! 2521%Milhouse: Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future! 2521%Bart: Really? 2521%Milhouse: Uh huh. 2521%Bart: [takes it] Will I pass my English test? [shakes it] 2521% [reads] ``Outlook not so good''. 2521% Wow, it work! 2521%-- Ask me no questions, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2522%Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students. 2522%Other principals try to unload problem cases that way. 2522%Lord knows do... 2522%-- Principal Skinner welcomes a new student, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2523%Ms.K: I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear. 2523%Samantha: Uh huh. 2523%Ms.K: So, why don't you stand in front of the class and tell us about 2523% yourself. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise. 2523%-- Introducing a new student, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2524%Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy 2524%target for [turning bitter] every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car 2524%and tight jeans... [calms down] I will now show a short sex-education film. 2524%-- Ms. Krabappel, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2525%Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step 2525%out into the hall and pray for our souls. 2525%-- Ms. Krabappel shows a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2526%Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such 2526%educational films as ``Lead Paint, Delicious But Deadly'' and ``Here 2526%Comes the Metric System!'' 2526%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2527%I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. 2527%And now, here's... ``Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What''... 2527%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2528%This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing, 2528%he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before. 2528%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2529%She's faking it. 2529%-- Ms. Krabappel shows the class a sex education film, 2529% ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2530%Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful little bunnies. 2530%Eight survived. 2530%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2531%And now that you know how it's done... Don't do it. 2531%-- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2532%Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love? 2532%Ms.K: Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and 2532% marry out of fear of dying alone. [chuckles] 2532%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2533%Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature? 2533%Ms.K: I'm sorry, that would be playing God. 2533%Bart: God shmod! I want my monkey-man! 2533%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2534%Milhouse: Uh... That's a nice dress. 2534%Samantha: My Dad makes me wear it. I hate it. 2534%Milhouse: Uh, I hate it, too! 2534%-- Flexibility in crisis, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2535%Everybody on! No shoving! Hee, just kidding. You can shove all you want! 2535%-- Otto, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2536%My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar. 4:15 to 4:20! 2536%-- Otto, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2537%Samantha: Hi. 2537%Bart: Hey, what's with the skirt? 2537%Milhouse: I've brought friends to this treehouse before. 2537%Bart: Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude? 2537%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2538%Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? 2538%Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two 2538%fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind 2538%it is a very big canyon. 2538%-- Kent Brockman's report, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2539%I wish they had never invented fried cheese! 2539%-- Marge cries at Homer's funeral (in Lisa's dream), 2539% ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2540%We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, 2540%creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. 2540%We call it the Good Morning Burger. 2540%-- Homer watches a television advertisement, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2541%Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk 2541%you're running. 2541%-- Bart, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2542%We start with pure milk chocolate... 2542%Add a layer of farm-fresh honey... 2542%Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar... 2542%And dip it in rich, creamery butter... 2542%-- The candy bar from hell, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2543%Lisa: Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting 2543% or lifting a finger? 2543%Homer: I'd say you're a lying scumbag! 2543%-- You did ask, after all, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2544%Lisa: They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep. 2544% As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your 2544% brain telling you to eat less. 2544%Homer: Lose weight listen to New Age music? Wow! 2544%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2545%Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? 2545%Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic repacity knows no satieties. 2545%-- Marge buys vocabulary building subliminal tapes by mistake, 2545% ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2546%Bart: All they do is kiss. 2546%Marge: How cute! [turns to leave, then catches herself] 2546% They don't open their mouths, do they? 2546%Bart: No. 2546%Marge: How cute! 2546%-- Both feet on the ground, please. ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2547%This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully 2547%lobbied to have the school day extended by twenty minutes! 2547%-- Martin, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2548%Wow, that really took my mind off those awful transforming space mutants. 2548%-- Man to woman in bed, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2549%Mr.Stanky: Samantha, you're my little girl, and sometimes my imagination 2549% runs away with me. Just, just tell me what happened. 2549%Samantha: Well, Milhouse and I... 2549%Mr.Stanky: That's enough! 2549%-- Guilt by association, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2550%How could this happen? 2550%We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. 2550%-- Milhouse, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2551%Lisa: Hey, Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, 2551% man will have another finger. [shows an artist's conception 2551% of a five-fingered hand] 2551%Bart: Five fingers? Ewwww! Freak show! 2551%-- Only for some, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2552%Homer: Marge, where's that... metal deely... you use to... dig... food... 2552%Marge: You mean, a spoon? 2552%Homer: Yeah, yeah! 2552%-- It was on the tip of my tongue, ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2553%Bart: How are we going to find her? 2553%Milhouse: She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper. 2553%-- Paying a visit to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls, 2553% ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2554%Bart: Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the 2554% penguin house. 2554%Samantha: That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian [School]. 2554% It's run by a group of French-Canadian nuns. 2554% They're very nice, except they never let me ewt. 2554%-- ``Bart's Friend Falls in Love'' 2555%Homer: I'm all naked and all wet! 2555%Marge: Get up, Homer. It's time for Church. 2555%Homer: [whines] I don't want to go. 2555%Marge: It's Church--you have to go! 2556%Bart: Hey, where's Homer? 2556%Marge: Your father's.. [pause] resting. 2556%Bart: Resting hung over, resting got fired--help me out here. 2557%Homer: Oh oh! Gotta take a whizz. Think fast. Think. Think..think..think. 2557% [resigning] Well.. I'd better get up. 2558%Homer: I'm whizzing with the door open aaaand I love it! 2559%Radio: It's eleven KBBL degrees belooow zero, I hope you're someplace warm. 2559%Homer: You bet'cha sweet... [looks around] ASS! 2559% [laughs] 2560%Rev. L: Let's put it out of our minds and turn to the Lamentations of 2560% Jeremiah -- LONG VERSION! 2561%Stereo: -Who wear short shorts?- 2561%Homer: [dancing] I wear short shorts! 2562%Homer: [eyeing batter] Oooo, waffle run-off! [greedily gobbles it up] 2563%When the waffle is done, he serves it wrapped around a block of butter with 2563%a toothpick, posing with it in front of his mouth before taking a bite. 2563%``Mmmm, fatting.'' 2564%At church, Rev. Lovejoy dishes out the God-fearing stuff. 2565%Rev. L: ...and he was cast into the firey cauldron of Hell! 2565% The searing heat! The scalding rivers of molten sulfur! 2566%Lisa: [praying] Our father, who art in heaven. H-- 2566%Bart: [annoyed] Lisa, this isn't the time nor the place! 2567%Welding a coffee mug, Homer sits on the couch while listening to the radio. 2568%Bill: That was John Calhoun with ``I'm gonna find me a genie with a magic 2568% bikini''. 2568%Marty: [laugh] Of course... John's next album was a spoken word album of 2568% his right-wing political views; it kinda killed his career. If you 2568% can tell me the name of the album, call our contest line now! 2569%Homer: Hello, this is Homer Simpson. 2569%Radioguy1: Homer, can you name that title? 2569%Homer: [looking directly at the album] THIS-THINGS-I-BELIEVE. 2569%Radioguy1: D'aaa, can we except that? 2569% [sound of a cash register] 2569%Homer: [fist in the air] Wow Ho! 2570%Willie: Miracles are your department, Reverend! 2571%Rev. L: [reading from a paper] Card table for sale: Top badly damaged, 2571% leg missing, but otherwise fine. One dollar or best offer. 2572%Lady: You must be the three chiropractors I send for. Now start 2572% manipulating my spine. 2572%Curly: Hey Moe, we don't know anything about manipulat'n. 2572%Moe: You heard the lady, grab a spine and get crack'n [slaps Curly] 2572%Homer: He he he.. Moe is their leader. 2572%Curly: [-WHOP-WHOP-WHOP-WHOP-] 2572%Moe: Why you [-pop-] 2572%Curly: Hey! 2573%Homer welds the TV remote in one hand, a trusty beer in the other. 2574%Homer: C'mon TV, give me some of that sweet sweet pap! [switches the TV on] 2574%TVguy: Who wants to define our terms, gentlemen, are we talking about 2574% redistricting or reapportionment? Because... 2574%Homer: Oh well, can't win them all. 2575%Announcer: We interrupt this public affairs program to bring you.. [pause] 2575% a football game. 2576%Homer leaps into the air (``YES!''), throws his beer to the floor and does a 2576%little football victory jig. 2577%Lisa: [pointing downward] Give it a little more gas... [Marge complies] 2577% No No! That's too much! [pause] You know what I think would help? 2577%Marge: [lashing out] WHAT!? WHAT WOULD HELP?!! 2577%Lisa: [cowering] nothing.. 2578%Football commentator: 2578% Oh, Doctor, 98 yard triple reverse ties the score 63-63. We've seen 2578% nothing but razzle-dazzle here today. Three visits from `Morgana, the 2578% Kissing Bandit' and the astonishing return of Jim Brown. 2579%Homer cheers with excitement, (``Wow Hoo'') before noticing a shiny brand 2579%new 1991 penny on the floor between his legs. 2580%Homer: [astonished] Is that what I think it is? [Lincoin nods] 2580% [triumphantly] I FOUND...A...PPPPENNY! 2581%Marge: That's a terrible thing to say! [to the kids] Kids, your father 2581% doesn't really mean that. 2581%Homer: Like fun I don't. Marge, I'm never going to church.. Again! 2581%Marge: Homer, are you actually giving up your faith? 2581%Homer: Nooo! Noo noo noo no nnnoo! [pause] Well.. yes. 2582%Homer: Hey, what's the big deal about going to some building ever Sunday? 2582% I mean isn't God everywhere? 2582%Bart: [agrees] Amen, bother! 2582%Homer: [waving hands about] And don't you think the Almighty has better 2582% things to worry about than where one little guy spends one measly 2582% hour of his week? 2582%Bart: Tell it, Daddy! 2582%Homer: [shuffles about] And what if we'd picked the wrong religion? 2582% Every week we're just making God madder and madder. 2582%Bart: [rejoice] Testify! 2582%Marge: [sees Bart waving his hands about] Mmmm. 2583%Marge: He doesn't mean to be sacrilegious, Lord--he just likes to sleep in 2583% on Sundays. 2584%Marge: [He's not a bad man, Lord, really! He just sometimes...] 2584%Homer: It's good for what ails yah. 2584%Marge: [...he doesn't mean any harm...] 2584%Homer: I can wait all-- [snores] 2585%Homer: God? 2586%GOD: [pointing finger] THOU HAS FORSAKEN MY CHURCH! 2586%Homer: [cowering] Well, err, kind of, but-- 2586%GOD: [commands] BUT WHAT? 2586%Homer: [whines] I'm not a bad guy. [kneels] I work hard and I love my kids, 2586% so why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to 2586% Hell? 2586%GOD: [ponders] MMMM. YOU GOT A POINT, THERE. [sits down] 2586% YOU KNOW SOMETIMES EVEN I WOULD RATHER BE WATCHING FOOTBALL. 2586% [motions Homer to sit beside him] DOES ST. LOUIS STILL HAVE A TEAM? 2586%Homer: No, they'd moved to Phoenix. 2586%GOD: [remembering] OH, YAH. 2586%Homer: You know what I hate about Church--those boring sermons! 2586%GOD: [heavy sigh] I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. THAT REVEREND LOVEJOY REALLY 2586% DISPLEASES ME--I THINK I'LL GIVE HIM A CANKER SORE. 2586%Homer: Give him one for me. 2586%GOD: I WILL. 2587% HOMER, IT'S A DEAL. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO APPEAR IN A 2587% TORTILLA IN MEXICO. 2588%Lisa: Dad, can I ask you a question? 2588%Homer: Sure, honey. 2588%Lisa: Why are you dedicating your life to blasphemy? 2588%Homer: Don't worry, sweetheart, if I'm wrong I'll recant on my deathbed. 2589%Rev.L: [mock surprise] Oh, really? 2589%Homer: Yeah! He'd appeared before me in a dream, and I knew that was 2589% special because I usually dream about naked.. [hesitates] Marge. 2589%Marge: [frustrated] Huhmmm. 2589%Bart: [impressed] So, Homer, you saw the big cheese? What did he look like? 2589%Homer: Perfect teeth, nice smell, a class act all the way. 2589%Marge: [wildly] Homer, you're crazy! [to Lovejoy] Tell him this is all crazy! 2589%Rev.L: Ahh, Homer.. I like you to remember Matthew 7-26, `The foolish man 2589% who built his house on sand.' 2589%Homer: [pointing finger] Oh, you remember [stumbles] Matthew 21-17. 2589%Rev.L: And he left them, and went out of the city to Bethany and he 2589% lodged there? 2589%Homer: [embarrassed] Hey--think about it! 2590%Moe: Sorry, Homer, I was born a snake handler, and I'll die a snake handler. 2591%Ned: [holding a guitar] Neighbor, I heard about your heresy, and we'll 2591% made it our mission to win you back to the flock. 2591%Homer: No sale! 2591%Ned: Homer, Christian life isn't all praying and sacrifice--hey, dig 2591% this... 2591% -God said to Noel, there's going to be a floody floody- 2592%Marge: I have a responsible to raise these kids right. And unless you 2592% change, I'll have to tell them their father's [pause] well.. Wicked! 2593%Homer answers. 2594%Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy.. He had 2594% long hair, and some wild ideas. And he didn't always do what other 2594% people thought was right. And that man's names was [pause] I forget, 2594% but the point is [another pause] Aww, I forget that too.. Marge, 2594% you know what I'm talking about? He use to drive that blue car.. 2595%Homer: There you go again--always taking someone else's side. 2595% [counts on his fingers] Flanders, the water department, God. 2596%The church billboard: TODAY'S TOPIC - WHEN HOMER MET SATAN 2597%Rev. L: Ohhh, don't look for the pitch-fork and pointy tail--today's devil 2597% has assumed a seductive form, pleasing to the eye. 2598%Homer: Apu, I see you're not in church. 2598%Apu: Oh, but I am. I have a shrine to Ganesh, the God of wordily wisdom, 2598% [pointing] located in the employee lounge. 2598%Homer: [walks over, sees a tiny multi-armed elephant] 2598% Hey, Ganesh, wanna peanut? 2598%Apu: [arms folded] Please don't offer my God a peanut! 2598%Homer: [amused] No offence Apu, but when they're handing out religions 2598% you must be out taking a whizz. 2598%Apu: [irately] Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out... 2598% [changing expression] ...and come again. 2599% 2599% Waaaaaagh! Fire! What do I do? What do I do? [coughing] The song! 2599% The song... 2599% When the fire starts to burn, 2599% there's a lesson you must learn. 2600% Something...something...then you see, 2600% you will avoid catastrophe... 2601% ...D'OH! 2602% [Homer collapses] 2603%Apu: Lit'l Jamshed, the store is in your hands. 2603%Jamshed: [gratified] I have waited for this day... 2604%Apu: You ducks are really trying my patience! [melts] But you're sooo cute! 2605%Ned: Dear Lord, may your loving hand guide Homer to the mattress square 2605% and true. 2606%Homer: My magazines and roach traps! Gone! All gone! 2607%Homer: Hey, wait a minute.. Flanders' a regular Charlie Church and God 2607% didn't save his house?! 2608%Homer: [coyly] Well...the Picasso, my collection of classic cars... 2608%Assessor: [eyes in the air] Sorry, this policy only covers actual losses, 2608% not made up stuff. 2608%Homer: [bummed out] Well that just great! 2609%God: DON'T FEEL BAD, HOMER. 9 OUT OF 10 RELIGIONS FAIL THEIR FIRST YEAR. 2610%Homer: God, I gotta ask you something--what's the meaning of life? 2610%God: HOMERRRR...I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT! 2610%Homer: C'mon! 2610%God: YOU FIND OUT WHEN YOU DIE. 2610%Homer: I can't wait that long! 2610%God: YOU CAN'T WAIT 6 MONTHS? 2610%Homer: No, tell me now. 2610%God: WELL.. [pause] OKAY. THE MEANING OF LIFE IS 2611%Captain's Log, Stardate 6051: Had trouble sleeping last night; my 2611%hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, 2611%but nobody listens. 2611%-- ``Star Trek XII: So Very Tired'', ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2612%Sulu: Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow. 2612%Kirk: [covering his face in annoyance] Again with the Klingons... 2612%-- ``Star Trek XII: So Very Tired'', ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2613%Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to stand here and take this. 2613%I... [zzzzzzz] 2613%-- Grampa Simpson, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2614%Marge: Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. 2614% We'll bring back dinner. 2614%Lisa: What are we gonna have? 2614%Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been 2614% good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison. 2614%Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? 2614%Bart: Poison pizza. 2614%Homer: Oh, no! I'm not making two stops! 2614%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2615%Homer: I'm thinking of a number between one and fifty. 2615%Marge: Is it 37? 2615%Homer: D'oh! ... I mean.... No. 2615%-- A numbers racket, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2616%Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: 2616%Synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots. 2616%Replacing my birth-control pills with Tic-Tacs. 2616%-- Mrs. Krabappel reads the charges, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2617%Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. 2617%Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide. 2617%-- Homer Simpson's guide to raising children, 2617% ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2618%``My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary''. 2618%You know, I thought I'd never find a replacement for my `Where's the Beef?' 2618%bumper sticker. 2618%-- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2619%I will try to raise a better child. 2619%-- Marge's blackboard punishment, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2620%He's the boy you love to hate! 2620%-- Homer on Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2621%Ms. Krabappel: I believe that with persistent discipline, even the 2621% poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief 2621% Justice of the Supreme Court. 2621%Homer: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he 2621% would join. John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, 2621% Warren Burgher... Mmmmmmm... Burgher... 2621%-- Don't forget Justice Frankfurter, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2622%Boy, time really flies when you're reading... [sees what he's holding] 2622%The Bible!? Ewww.... 2622%-- Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2623%Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to 2623% put you in a home. 2623%Grampa: You already put me in a home. 2623%Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we say on Sixty Minutes! 2623%Grampa: [meekly] I'll be good. 2623%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2624%Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours. 2624%-- Homer's punishment for Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2625%Homer: Boy, you're gonna have to be punished for this. 2625%Bart: Dad, you punish me, but that means you have to think 2625% of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it... 2625%Homer: [whining] Aw... 2625%Bart: Or... you could let me go play with Milhouse, while you 2625% spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sit-coms. 2625% [turns on the TV. Bumble-Bee Man is on] 2625%Homer: Hee hee hee. Run along, you little scamp. 2625%-- The art of persuasion, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2626%The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. 2626%-- Homer's tips on getting out of jury duty, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2627%We got beets! 2627%-- Lisa, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2628%Marge: Do you want your son to become become Chief Justice of the 2628% Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? 2628%Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? 2628%Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper! 2628%Homer: who's being na\"{\i}ve? 2628%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2629%Kent: Tonight on ``Eye on Springfield'', we meet a man who's been hiccupping 2629% for 45 years! 2629%Man: [hic!] Kill me! [hic] Kill me! 2629%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2630%Homer: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie? 2630%Bart: Sounds like something you'd say... 2630%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2631%Oh no! Beta! 2631%-- Snake inspects his haul, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2632%Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son. 2632%Bart: Not bloody likely. 2632%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2633%Homer: You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, 2633% but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until 2633% I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. 2633% [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage. 2633%Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story? 2633%Homer: [cheerily] I like stories. 2633%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2634%TV sucks. 2634%-- Bart, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2635%Marge: Homer, I'd like to talk to you. 2635%Homer: But then I won't be watching TV! 2635%-- ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2636%Lisa: He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine! 2636%Homer: Don't you think I know that? 2636%-- Well, honestly... No, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2637%One senior citizen and one Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. 2637%-- Justice Bart Simpson buys movie tickets, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2638%Mmm... Soylent Green. 2638%-- Homer, ``Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie'' 2639%Homer: Good evening. I have been asked to tell you that the following show 2639% is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You 2639% see, there are some *crybabies* out there (religious types mostly), 2639% who might be offended. If you are one of them I advise you to turn 2639% off your set now. 2640%Marge: Homer! Did you just call everyone ``chicken''? 2640%Homer: Noooo. I swear on this Bible! 2640%Marge: That's not a Bible; that's a book of carpet samples. 2640%Homer: Ooooh... fuzzy. 2641%Homer: Behold mighty Caesar! [sheet catches on a nail] In all his glory! 2641% [kids laugh at the Emperor's new clothes] D'oh! 2642%Nelson (dressed as a pirate) watches Martin tiptoe towards him. 2643%Martin: I am Calliope, the muse of heroic poetry! 2643%Nelson: No kiddin'! [punches Martin] 2644%Bart ``Alec'' Simpson admits to his mother. 2645%Bart: [English accent] Stupid party, wish we were trick or treat'n. 2645%Marge: Now Bart, you can find just as much horror around the house. 2646%Bart: Yo, Mom! We haven't got the eyeballs yet. 2646%Marge: [aims the flashlight at Homer, who is eating the ghoulish snacks] 2646% Homer, you're ruining it! 2646%Homer: Yeah, well... It was an evil game. 2647%Homer: That's not so scary. 2647%Lisa: A doll... From *Hell*! 2647%Homer: [scared] I'm gonna go to the store... 2647%Lisa: [laughs evilly] 2648%Abe: The Government. I didn't earn it; I don't need it; but if they miss 2648% one payment, I raise HELL! 2649%Bart: Hey Homer, where's your present? 2649%Homer: D'oh! I mean... *Don't* worry son, I forgot to get you a present. 2649% But I swear on my father's grave-- 2649%Abe: Hey! 2650%Owner: We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread. 2650% We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call ``Frogurt''! 2651%Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse! 2651%Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad. 2651%Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt! 2651%Homer: [relieved] That's good. 2651%Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed. 2651%Homer: [worried] That's bad. 2651%Owner: But you get your choice of topping! 2651%Homer: [relieved] That's good. 2651%Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate. 2651%Homer: [stares] 2651%Owner: That's bad. 2651%Homer: [worried] Can I go now? 2652%Abe: [shouting] That doll is *evil*, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviilllll! 2652%Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents. 2652%Abe: [whines] I just want attention. 2653%Kent: And in environmental news, scientists have announced that 2653% Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly. 2654%Doll: I'm Krusty the clown and I don't like you. 2654%Homer: Heh heh heh heh. 2654%Doll: I'm Krusty the clown and I'm going to *kill* you! 2654%Homer: Hee hee hee. Didn't even pull the string that time. 2654%Doll: I said I was going to kill you! [points finger] YOU! Homer Simpson! 2655%Marge: Homer, what's wrong? 2655%Homer: [pointing to the harmless doll] 2655% That doll tried kill him! 2655%Bart: I'd say the pressure has finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure? 2656%Homer: My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R. My baloney has a second 2656% name, it's H-O-M-E-R... 2657%Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality. 2658%Krusty chats up Lisa's Malibu Stacey doll. 2659%Krusty: Hey baby! Get comfortable. Relaaax. It's a little hot for that 2659% cheerleader outfit, don't you think? 2660%Krusty: You think your dirty socks can stop me?! 2660% Well, they *are* making me... dizzy. Ooooohhh.. 2661%Man: I was a fool to think that anyone would want nude photos of Whoopi 2661% Goldberg. [pit rejects the photos] What the--? 2662%Doll: Guess who, Fat boy!! 2662%Homer: [blinded, bumping around] Marge! Marge! Look! 2662%Marge: [from the kitchen] Oh, my God! 2662%Homer: [staggering into the kitchen] The doll's trying to kill me and the 2662% toaster's been laughin' at me! 2663%Marge: Your doll is trying to kill my husband! [pause] Yes, I'll hold. 2664%Repair: [pointing to a switch on the back of the doll] Yup. 2664% Here's your problem; someone set this thing to ``evil''. 2665%Doll: Here you go, buddy. 2665%Homer: Did you walk the dog? 2665%Doll: Yeah, he buried me a couple of times. 2665%Homer: Yeah, dogs like to bury old junk. 2665%Doll: Yeah. [sotto voce] You stupid jerk! 2666%Doll: Oooh, what a day. Homer made me give him a sponge bath [shutters] 2666% But coming home to you makes it all worth it. 2667%Abe: Homer! I've coughed up scarier stuff than that! 2668%Bart: Grandpa, why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life. 2668%Abe: [resentfully] That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a *lot* 2668% of movies... 2669%Marge: My name is Marge Bouvier; I'm here about your ad [in the newspaper 2669% she is holding]: ``Single white female wanted for mysterious 2669% expedition. Must like monkeys. Non-smoker preferred''. 2669%Burns: Well, you'd be a welcome change of pace from the rest of these crude 2669% and uncouth sailors. 2670%Burns: What do you think, Smithers? 2670%Smithers: I think women and sea-men don't mix. 2670%Burns: We *know* what you think! [to Marge] Young lady, you're hired. 2670% [laughs sinisterly] 2671%Karl: Hey, I heard we're goin' to Ape Island. 2671%Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. 2671%Karl: I wished we were going to Candy Apple Island. 2671%Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there? 2671%Karl: Apes. But they're not so big. 2672%Otto: Hey, who's this ``Homer'' dude? 2672%Burns: He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted 2672% by the Ape Island Jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore. 2672%Marge: Am I going too? 2672%Burns: Of course. We wouldn't think of going without the bait-- uhh, that 2672% is, the bait-thing beauty. The bathing beauty! 2672% [to himself] Heh heh! I covered that up pretty well. 2673%Chief: Mosi Tatupu! Mosi Tatupu! 2673% (translation: The Blue-haired woman will make a good sacrifice.) 2673%Marge: What's he saying? 2673%Burns: He's saying ``We wouldn't *dream* of sacrificing the blue-haired woman'' 2674%the moment. 2675%Burns: Smithers, this is a golden opportunity! If we can get him alive, we 2675% can put him on Broadway! Dead, we'll sell monkey stew to the Army! 2676%Burns: Now we don't want to kill him! Shoot him around the groin and belly! 2677%Lenny: Hey Homer, cut it out! Come on! Quit eatin' me! 2678%Karl fires his rifle, hitting Lenny in the arm. 2679%Lenny: [sarcastically] Ow! Nice shot, Karl! 2680%King Homer burps after swallowing Lenny. Mr. Burns tries the sleeping gas. 2681%Burns: All right, you big ape... Get a snootful of this gas bomb! 2682%Burns: Nice work, Smithers! When we get back, I'm giving you a raise! 2682% [King Homer swallows Smithers whole] Oh well... 2683%Reporter: What kind of show do you got for us, Mr. Burns? 2683%Burns: Well, the Ape's going to stand around for three hours or so, 2683% then we'll close with the ethnic comedy of Duggan and Dirschwitz. 2683%Reporter: Sen-sational! 2684%Burns: Ladies and gentlemen! In his native land he was a King! But he 2684% comes before you in chains for your own amusement! Presenting Homer! 2684% The eighth wonder of the world! 2685%Marge: I think you're making him angry... 2685%Dave: C'mon, what's he gonna do? Run amok in downtown Springfield? 2686%Burns: I'm dreading the reviews, I can tell you that. 2687%Marge: Y'know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more 2687% vegetables and less people... 2688%Marge: [feeling for Homer's breath with her hand] He's not dead! 2688%Burns: No, but his career is. I remember when Al Jolson ran amok at the 2688% Winter Garden and climbed the Chrysler building. 2688%Homer: [moans] 2688%Marge: Don't worry, Homey. I'll take care of you. 2689%Photographer: Folks, if you could just stop cleaning each other for a second.. 2689% 2689%Ingrid Bouvier: [worried] Wait, Marge, I can't find your father! 2689%Marge: [sees a leg disappear down King Homer's mouth] Oh, Homer! 2690%Man: Awwwwwwooo ooooooogh! 2690%kids: [all screaming] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 2690%Ned: Hi kids! Did I scaredly dare you? 2690%Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders. But I've got a story so scary you'll wet your 2690% pants! 2690%Abe: Too late. [kids shift away] 2691%Bart gives a book report during class. Mrs. Krabappel listlessly endures. 2692%Bart: From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, Baby's First Pop-up book is 26 pages of 2692% alphabetic adventure! 2692%Mrs.K: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers? 2692%Bart: Well, most of it. 2693%Bart: [reading the title] Book of Magic and Spells; Vol.II 2693%Book: [four apparitions appear] Evil!...EVIL!...MADNESS!...Beware!...BEWARE! 2693%Bart: Cool! [slams the book shut] 2693%Book: Oww!...OWWW!...oww!...OWWW! 2694%Bart: Chapter 8; Let's talk zombies. If a zombie bites you, you'll become a 2694% zombie. You must walk the earth, feeding on the brains of the living 2694% until the spell is broken. 2694%Lisa: [annoyed] Bart, please. Don't you remember that Snowball I died four 2694% years ago tonight? Run over by the Mayor's beer-swilling brother, 2694% Clovos(sp?). 2694%Bart: Hey, maybe there's a spell in here that will bring her back from the 2694% dead? [Lisa blinks as Bart flips through the pages] 2694% Let's see what we got. How to get your skeletons their whitest. 2694% Selling your soul in a buyers' market. Ahh, here we are; how to raise 2694% the dead. 2695%Lisa: [staring at SB1's grave marker] It's not working. [sighs] 2695% [notices zombies] Bart! You cast the wrong spell -- ZOMBIES! 2695%Bart: Please Lis, they preferred to be called the `Living Impaired'. 2696%Ned: Well how'd strangers, what can I do you for? 2696%Zombies: BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS! 2696%Ned: Well Sui Doloks; you rascal, [chuckle] I thought you were dead. 2697%Lisa: Dad, we've done something very bad! 2697%Homer: [eating pork rinds, frowns] Did you wreck the car? 2697%Bart: Nooo! 2697%Homer: [frowns] Did you raise the dead? 2697%Lisa: Yesss! 2697%Homer: [more frowns] But the car's okay? 2697%Kids: Yes! 2697%Homer: [relieved] Alright then. 2698%Krusty: [zombie-like] To enter, send me your parents' brains. Put your 2698% parents' brains on a 3x5 card, and send it to-- 2699%Marge: [interrupting] Homer, did you barricade the door? 2699%Homer: Why? Oh, the Zombies.. No! [the back door collapses inward] 2699%Family: [seeing the zombies] Aaaaaaaagggggggh! 2700%Bart: I thought dabbling in the Back Arts would be good for a chuckle, how 2700% wrong I was; I should have never read that book! 2700%Lisa: Bart, maybe the library has another book that will reverse the spell? 2700%Marge: It's our only hope! 2700%Homer: [cocking a sawn-off shotgun] To the book depository! 2701%Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders! 2701%Homer: [smoking gun in hand] He was a Zombie?? 2702%Alien1: The zombies have the earthlings on the run. 2702%Alien2: Soon the human race will wither and fold. Let the earth plunge 2702% we've seen on the Observe-a-scope. 2703%Homer: [shocked] Barney, not you too?!! 2703%Barney: I'm not a Zombie, but hey, when in Rome.. 2704%Homer: Take that, Washington! 2704% Eat lead, Einstein! 2704% Show's over, Shakespeare! 2704%Will: [collapsing dramatically] Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare? 2705%Bart: Kolchak..Mannix..Banachek..Dano! [-poof- Lisa turns into a snail] 2705%Lisa: What's wrong? 2705%Bart: I never realized what a beautiful young woman you've become. 2705%Lisa: [blushes] 2706%Bart: Trojan..Ramses..Magnum..Sheiks! 2707%Zombie1: See you in hell. 2707%Zombie2: Still pushing that boulder? 2707%Zombie1: Uh huh. 2708%Quimby: The, aw, Zombies that plagued our town are now just corpses rotting 2708% in our streets. 2708%Crowd: [cheers] 2709%Marge: Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies. 2709%Bart: [zombie-like] Shhhhh...T V. 2709%Homer: [zombie-like] MAN..FALL..DOWN.....FUNNY! 2709%Family: [zombie-like] MMMMMM. 2710%Oakley-Doakley-Do! 2710%-- Ned Flanders, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2711%Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such instructional 2711%videos as ``Mothballing Your Battleship'' and ``Dig Your Own Grave, And Save!'' 2711%-- ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2712%Now, over the next six hours, I'll be going over the Do's and Do-Not-Do's 2712%of foundation repair. 2712%-- Troy McClure's instructional video, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2713%Troy: Now, do you hav extruded poly-vinyl foam insulation? 2713%Homer: No. 2713%Troy: Good. 2713%-- Homer improvement, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2714%... leaving the Vice President in charge. 2714%-- Kent Brockman's news report, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2715%Marge, it'll cost eighty-five hundred dollars! 2715%We only have five hundred in the bank, 2715%and that leaves... eighty-hundred we need. 2715%-- Carry the ten, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2716%March 15th. I wish I brought a TV. Oh God, how I miss TV! 2716%-- Homer's journal of life in the woods, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2717%Marley: You mind if I say a few words? 2717%Burns: Oh, me-me-me, ``I want all the attention because it's party'', eh? 2717%-- Will the honored guest please shut up, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2718%\< 2718% : Marge Simpson 2718% : Resume 2718% : 2718% : Homemaker: 1980 to present 2718%\> 2718%-- It's my job, and I'll apply if I want to, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2719%Smithers: This r\'esum\'e is very impressive. Let me be the first to say 2719% ``Abibu gazini''. 2719%Marge: What? 2719%Smithers: ``Welcome aboard''. I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours. 2719%-- What's Swahili for ``Good idea, boss''? ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2720%Last week, some Jeohvah's Witnesses came to the door, 2720%and I wouldn't let them leave. They snuck away when 2720%I went into the kitchen to get more lemonade. 2720%-- Marge, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2721%Lisa: You'll be just like Marie and Pierre Curie. 2721%Homer: What'd they do? 2721%Lisa: They discovered radium! Then they both died of radiation poisoning. 2721%-- ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2722%Now, Marge, just remember. If something goes wrong at the plant, 2722%blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have 2722%you saved my butt? 2722%-- Homer's rules for success in the workplace, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2723%Marge: What do I do? 2723%Smithers: Heh, heh, heh. Marge, please! 2723% According to your r\'esum\'e you this machine. 2723%-- I can't believe I invented it! ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2724%Mrs. K: Bart, have you ever read ``The Boy Who Cried Wolf''? 2724%Bart: I'm halfway through it, I swear! 2724%-- That's the one with Little Red Riding Hood and the three pigs, right? 2724% ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2725%Grampa: Good news, boy! I found a pharmacy that carries leeches! 2725% Well it wasn't exactly a pharmacy... more of a bait shop. 2725%-- ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2726%Oral thermometer, my eye! 2726%-- Grampa, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2727%Burns: I must have her! Smithers, zoom in. 2727% Closer! Closer! Closer, dammit! 2727% [the camera hits Marge in the forehead] 2727%Marge: Ow! 2727%Burns: Too close. 2727%-- ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2728%I am the Angel of Death. The Time of Purification is at hand. 2728%-- ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2729%Mrs. K: Well, then, you're ready for your make-up test. 2729%Bart: Ohhhhhh! My ovaries. 2729%-- He's in more trouble than he thinks, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2730%Grampa: Have you ever read ``The Boy Who Cried Wolf''? 2730%Bart: I glanced at it. 2730% Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends. 2730%-- Selective recall, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2731%Homer: Ohhhhh... 2731%Marge: What? 2731%Homer: I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me. 2731% Friends, co-workers, Tibor... 2731% I never thought it'd be my own wife. 2731%Marge: Well, maybe you'd get promoted if you worked a little harder. 2731%Homer: Are you kidding? I work like a Japanese beaver! 2731%Marge: Oh, really? I came to see you three times today. 2731% Twice you were sleeping, and once you were kicking that ball of 2731% electrical tape around! 2731%Homer: Well! I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy. 2731% I'm going to go right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the 2731% sleeping ba... [gets into bed] Eh, good-night. 2731%-- Know when to say when, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2732%Burns: I want you to arrange a party for two at my estate: 2732% Marge, me, and do you think you could dig up Al Jolson? 2732%Smithers: Ah, do you remember we did that once before? 2732%-- ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2733%Bart, to avoid this test, you've had smallpox, the bends, 2733%and that unfortunate bout of Tourette's syndrome. 2733%-- Mrs. Krabappel, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2734%Joan: She must think you're after her eggs. 2734%Krusty: I only ate one! 2734%-- ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2735%Ivanhoe is a story about a Russian farmer and his tool. 2735%-- Bart Simpson, ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2736%Burns: I want you to show this woman the time of her life. 2736%Homer: Gotcha. 2736% Marge, we're getting some drive-thru, then we're doing it twice! 2736%-- ``Marge Gets a Job'' 2737%Marge: That medicine's not for you! 2737%Homer: [emptying assorted bottles of medicine] 2737% C'mon, Marge! Maybe I'm not getting enough... 2737% [reads the label] estrogen. 2737%-- Can't get enough, uh huh, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2738%Homer: Marge, we're going to that restaurant. 2738%Marge: But I think I'm allergic to seafood. The last time I ate shrimp, 2738% my throat closed up, and I went into convulsions. 2738%Homer: Mmm... shrimp... 2738%-- Mmm... convulsions... ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2739%Wife: Now, I don't know much about haggling or bargaining, so why don't 2739% we just agree to pay whatever the Winfields want. 2739%Agent: That could work. 2739%-- Flexibility is our middle name, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2740%Laura: Are you all right? 2740%Bart's brain: She's beautiful. Say something clever. 2740%Bart's mouth: [meekly] I fell on my bottom. 2740%Bart's brain: D'oh! 2740%-- Thinking fast on one's bottom, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2741%Woman: I actually had some doubts about moving to Springfield, especially 2741% after that TIME cover story, ``America's Worst City''. 2741%Marge: [proudly] You could see our house in that photo! 2741%-- Was Homer in the window without any pants on? ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2742%Woman: They're so sweet when you marry them, but soon it's just career, 2742% career, career. 2742%Homer: [outside, scolding SLH] hammock. Do you understand? 2742% Mine! ... Don't look that way! 2742%-- The exception that proves the rule, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2743%I no longer control the hand... The hand controls ! 2743%-- You have to hand it to Bart... ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2744%Shut up, you little monsters! 2744%-- Homer tries once again to control the kids, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2745%Homer: I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels. 2745%Woman: Sorry, this isn't Abby; this is her sister. I look after her now. 2745%Abigail: [rocking but otherwise motionless in her rocking chair] 2745% [speaking to no one in particular] No, Bart. Put it down, Bart. 2745% Bart, put it down. 2745%-- And come out with your hands up, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2746%Homer: Uh, and there was something else... Something I was supposed to 2746% tiptoe around... 2746%Laura's mother: My divorce. 2746%Homer: it! Woo-hoo! I'm glad of us remembered. 2746% could've been embarrassing. 2746%-- A close call, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2747%Laura's mother: Well, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes. 2747% I want to be fixed up with one of your friends as soon as you 2747% can arrange it. After all, Homer, I do have the normal ... appetites. 2747%Homer: [knowingly] Heh, heh, heh. I know what you mean. 2747% [just checking] Just let me make sure we're not talking about food. 2747%Laura's mother: I'm not. 2747%Homer: [as if he knew it all along] Right! Me neither. 2747% [just checking] We're talking about sex, right? 2747%Laura's mother: Right. 2747%Homer: I hear you loud and clear! 2747%-- But does he understand? ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2748%Hey, sometimes a guy just likes his skin to look its yellowest. 2748%-- Bart takes a bath, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2749%Waiter: I'm sorry, ma'am, but everything on the menu has fish in it. 2749%Marge: Mmm, what about the bread? Does that have much fish in it? 2749%Waiter: Yes. 2749%-- One slice of bread with not so much fish in it later... 2749% ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2750%'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. 2750%-- Captain McAlister watches Homer eat all his profits, 2750% ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2751%Can't talk. Eating. 2751%-- Homer, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2752%Homer: This is my quest. I'm like that guy. That Spanish guy. 2752% You know, he fought the windmill... 2752%Marge: Don Quixote? 2752%Homer: No, that's not it. What's-his-name, the Man of La Mancha. 2752%Marge: Don Quixote. 2752%Homer: No! 2752%Marge: I really think that was the character's name. Don Quixote. 2752%Homer: Fine! I'll look it up! [heads off and consults a reference] 2752%Marge: [annoyed] Well, who was it? 2752%Homer: [quietly fuming] Nevermind. 2752%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2753%Ceiling mirrors and video cameras sometimes see more than 2753%who is about to shoot me. 2753%-- Apu, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2754%Homer: All you can eat. Ha! 2754%Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising 2754% since my suit against the film, ``The Never-Ending Story''. 2754%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2755%Homer: So, do you think I have a case? 2755%Hutz: I don't use the word hero very often, but you are the greatest hero 2755% in American history. 2755%Homer: Woo-hoo! 2755%-- I'm sorry, did I say `hero'? I meant `zero'. 2755% ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2756%Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around] a refrigerator! 2756%They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... 2756%[spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more 2756%like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over 2756%your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at 2756%one. You wanna drink another woman! [gets another woman out of the woman] 2756%-- Homer teaches Bart about the birds and the beers, 2756% ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2757%Bart: How can you like that guy? 2757%Laura: I dunno. Maybe because he's an outlaw. 2757% You know that dead body they found behind the mayor's house? 2757%Bart: Jimbo killed him? 2757%Laura: No. [dramatically] But he poked him with a stick. 2757%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2758%Bart: I'll show who's ``just a kid''! 2758%Marge: [calling] Bart, bedtime! I laid out your jammy-jams! 2758%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2759%Lisa: Good luck in your trumped-up lawsuit, Dad. 2759%Homer: [hugs her] Thanks. That means a lot to me. 2759%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2760%Bart: What do you like about him? He's just a good-looking rebel 2760% who plays by his own rules. 2760%Lisa+Laura: [wistful sigh] 2760%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2761%Aide: Eighteen thousand letters, all addressed to Santa Claus. 2761%Attorney: You want the People of Springfield versus Kris Kringle. 2761% That's next door. 2761%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2762%Isn't it true that your husband consumed a ten-pound bag of flour when no 2762%other food was available? 2762%-- The defense attorney cross-examines Marge, 2762% ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2763%Moe: [answers the phone] Yeah, just a sec; I'll check. 2763% [calls] Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm lookin' fer Amanda Hugginkiss. 2763% Why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss? 2763% [bar denizens laugh] 2763%Barney: Maybe your standards are too high! 2763%Moe: [to phone] You little S.O.B. Why, when I find out who you are, 2763% I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving 2763% dogs in your butt! 2763%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2764%Moe: Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone. 2764%Barney: What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? 2764% Gasp! Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray! [drinks it] 2764%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2765%As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way. 2765%-- Bart, ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2766%Laura: [on the phone] Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle? First name... 2766%Bart: [whispers] 2766%Laura: [continues] Ivana? 2766%Moe: [on the phone] Ivana Tinkle, just a sec. 2766% [calls] Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! Hey, everybody, put down your 2766% glasses. Ivana Tinkle! 2766%-- ``The New Kid on the Block'' 2767%Live, from beautiful Malaki Island (``We're not just for lepers any more''), 2767%it's ``Carnival of the Stars''! 2767%-- Troy McClure hosts another stupid television show, ``Mr. Plow'' 2768%I'm your host, Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as 2768%``The Erotic Adventures of Hercules'' and ``Dial M for Murderousness''! 2768%-- Troy McClure hosts another stupid television show, ``Mr. Plow'' 2769%Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place 2769% ``Moe's'' you left just before the accident. This is a business of 2769% some kind? 2769%Homer: [thinks] Don't tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else 2769% is open at night? 2769% [aloud] It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography. 2769% [thinks] Heh heh heh. I would'a never thought of that. 2769%-- How not to throw an insurance agent off the scent, ``Mr. Plow'' 2770%She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene. 2770%-- Crazy Vlaclav tries to sell Homer a car, ``Mr. Plow'' 2771%Kids! If we buy a new car, we get our parking validated for free! 2771%-- Homer takes the kids to a car show, ``Mr. Plow'' 2772%Homer: Gasp! Adam West! [calling] Kids! Batman! 2772%Lisa: Dad, that's not the real Batman. 2772%Adam West: Of I'm the real Batman. [shows a glossy] 2772% Here's a picture of me with Robin. 2772%Bart: Who the hell is Robin? 2772%-- Kid today, ``Mr. Plow'' 2773%Michelle Pfeiffer? Ha! The only true Catwoman is Julie Newmar, Lee 2773%Meriwether, or Eartha Kitt. 2773%-- Adam West muses, ``Mr. Plow'' 2774%Homer, I've got to sneak these valuable artworks out of the White House, 2774%but I can't get out of the driveway because of these protesters! 2774%-- President George Bush moves out of the White House, ``Mr. Plow'' 2775%Homer: Well, I really should discuss this with my wife. 2775%Salesman: [scoffs] Your wife? [cracks an imaginary whip] 2775%Homer: What, you think I'm going to buy a $20,000 truck just because you 2775% make that noise? 2775%Salesman: [does it again] [and again] [and again] 2775%Homer: [on his knees] I'll take it! 2775%-- ``Mr. Plow'' 2776%Marge: I can't believe you bought that plow. We can't afford it! 2776%Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, 2776% then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things! 2776%Marge: Good! 2776%Homer: Fine! I'll never, ever, ever do another stupid thing. Good night! 2776% [angrily turns to leave and walks face-first into the side of the truck] 2776%Marge: [concerned] Oh, Homey. Didn't that hurt? 2776%Homer: [quietly] No. 2776%-- I meant to do that, ``Mr. Plow'' 2777%It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV! 2777%-- Homer proudly introduces his television debut, ``Mr. Plow'' 2778%Homer: [narrating a TV commercial] 2778% Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers? 2778% And the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow? 2778%Bart+Lisa: Uh-huh! 2778%-- Homer's TV commercial as... ``Mr. Plow'' 2779%Commercial-Homer: Call now and receive a free T-shirt! 2779%Homer: [watching at home, raises a ``Stockdale for VP'' T-shirt] 2779% He could still surprise ya! 2779%-- but can he hear ya? ``Mr. Plow'' 2780%My prices are so low, you'll think I suffered brain damage! 2780%-- Truth in advertising, in Homer's TV commercial as... ``Mr. Plow'' 2781%Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get where they're going 2781%without resorting to public transportation car-pooling, I give you 2781%the keys to the city. 2781%-- Diamond Joe Quimby, ``Mr. Plow'' 2782%Moe: Linda Ronstadt! How'd ya get ? 2782%Barney: Oh, we've been looking for a project to do together for a while. 2782%-- ``Mr. Plow'' 2783%I've got two words for you: Mellow out, man. 2783%-- Homer Simpson, ``Mr. Plow'' 2784%Yeah, they were gay. 2784%-- Homer pretends to be Tony Plow, from ``Leave It to Beaver'', ``Mr. Plow'' 2785%Kent: Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. 2785% Our own Arnie Pie is on the scene. 2785%Arnie: [live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in! All I can see 2785% is white! 2785%Kent: [impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions. 2785%Arnie: [now upside-down] Mayday! Mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! 2785% Tell my wife I lo... [picture fuzzes out] 2785%Kent: [chuckles] That's great, Arnie. 2785%-- Weather report, ``Mr. Plow'' 2786%Homer: [on the phone, disguising his voice] 2786% There's a $10,000 bill in it for you. 2786%Barney: Oh yeah? Which president's on it? 2786%Homer: Uh... All of them. They're having a party. Jimmy Carter's 2786% passed out on the couch. 2786%Barney: Wow! 2786%-- Don't ask where Jack Kennedy is, ``Mr. Plow'' 2787%Woman: Could you make sure not to scrape my asphalt? 2787%Homer: [sotto voce] Kiss asphalt. 2787%-- ``Mr. Plow'' 2788%Could this record-breaking heat wave be the result of the dreaded 2788%``Greenhouse Effect''? Well, if 70-degree days in the middle of winter 2788%are the `price' of car pollution, you'll forgive me if I keep my old Pontiac. 2788%-- Kent Brockman's Two Cents, ``Mr. Plow'' 2789%Simpson! Homer Simpson! 2789%He's the greatest guy in history. 2789%>From the! Town of Springfield! 2789%He's about to hit a chestnut tree! 2789%-- Homer sings to himself, ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2790%TOXIC WASTE -- DO NOT EAT. 2790%-- Warning labels save lives, ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2791%Smithers: Well, sir, where should we dump batch [of nuclear waste]? 2791% Playground? 2791%Burns: No. All those bald children are arousing suspicion. 2791%-- Monty's kids, ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2792%Heh heh heh. Oh, Andy Capp. You wife-beating drunk. Heh heh heh. 2792%-- Homer reads the funnies, ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2793%Quimby: We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the 2793% two million dollars. 2793%Lisa: Don't you mean million dollars? 2793%Quimby: [looks around nervously, adjusts his tie] Of course. 2793% million dollars. 2793%-- ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2794%Apu: I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. 2794% I have been shot this year. As a result, I almost missed work. 2794%Wiggum: [to himself] Crybaby. 2794%-- ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2795%We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. 2795%Just tell us your idea, and we'll vote for it! 2795%-- Mayor Quimby, ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2796%Marge: I still think we ought to spend the money to fix Main Street. 2796%Homer: Well, you should've written a song like that guy. 2796%-- Another song-and-dance, ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2797%You there, eating the paste. 2797%-- Lyle Lanley calls on a student in Lisa's class, 2797% ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2798%Lanley: Before we begin, is anyone here an investigative reporter? 2798%Man: I am. And she is. 2798%-- Why they're still writing for the Springfield Shopper, 2798% ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2799%True or false? You can get mono from riding the monorail. 2799%-- A difficult question on the MCATs (Monorail Conductors Aptitude Test), 2799% ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2800%Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer, Junior? 2800% The kids can call you Ho-Ju! 2800%Bart: [appropriate pause] I'll get back to you. 2800%-- Not to be confused with Ho-Ho's, ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2801%Marge: According to this book, the monorail goes over 150 miles an hour! 2801% what if something goes wrong? 2801%Homer: ``What if.'' What if I stepped in the shower and slipped on a bar 2801% of soap? ... Oh, my God! I'd get killed! 2801%-- ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2802%MONO = ONE 2802%RAIL = RAIL 2802%-- Lesson at the Lanley Institute of Monorail Conducting, 2802% ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2803%Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, 2803% Mr. Leonard Nimoy. 2803%Nimoy: I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five. 2803% [appreciative laughter from the crowd] 2803%Quimby: And let me say, ``May the Force Be With You!'' 2803%Nimoy: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am? 2803%Quimby: [indignant] I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals? 2803%-- ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2804%Marge: We're too late! 2804%Cobb: I have stopped for that haircut. Sorry. 2804%-- ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2805%Quimby: Watch it, you walking tub of donut batter! 2805%Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby. 2805%Quimby: You don't scare me. That could be ass! 2805%-- ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2806%Homer: Are we gonna die, son? 2806%Bart: Yeah, but at least we're going to take a lot of innocent people. 2806%-- ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2807%Donuts. Is there anything they do? 2807%-- Homer, ``Marge vs. the Monorail'' 2808%Marge: And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day. 2808% [serves Homer breakfast of eggs and bacon, spelling out ``I 2808% love you''] 2808%Homer: [thinking] Special day!? Oh, what have I forgot now? 2808% Now don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? No, that's crazy-talk. 2808%Marge: [smile gradually fades from her radiant visage] 2808%Homer: [thinking] She's getting impatient! Take a stab at it! 2808% [aloud] Happy... Valentine's Day... 2808%Marge: [rubbing his head] (*squeak*) (*squeak*) Aw, thank you, dear. 2808%Homer: [in celebration] Woo-hoo! 2808%-- Not Bacon Day, and Bacon Day, ``I Love Lisa'' 2809%If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost. 2809%-- Apu thinks to himself, ``I Love Lisa'' 2810%Apu: Nickel off on expired baby food. 2810%Homer: Sold! 2810%-- Think of the money he's saving, ``I Love Lisa'' 2811%Ms. Hoover: First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store 2811% the valentines. 2811%Lisa: Isn't that just pointless busy-work? 2811%Ms. Hoover: [taps her nose] Bull's-eye. Get cracking. 2811%-- Crack the bull-whip? ``I Love Lisa'' 2812%Ralph: My parents won't let me use scissors. 2812%Class: [giggles and snickers] 2812%Ms. Hoover: The children are right to laugh, Ralph. These scissors 2812% couldn't cut butter. [demonstrates on her arm] 2812%-- All the better to slice you to pieces with, ``I Love Lisa'' 2813%Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student (possibly 2813%Bart Simpson) has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color 2813%sentiments. 2813%-- What can I say, I've got a weakness for the classics, ``I Love Lisa'' 2814%Cool, I broke his brain! 2814%-- Bart, ``I Love Lisa'' 2815%Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder Heh. 2815%-- Ralph, ``I Love Lisa'' 2816%... and my doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose-bleeds if I kept my 2816%finger out of there. 2816%-- Thank you Ralph, very graphic, ``I Love Lisa'' 2817%Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring 2817%clips like this one of Sideshow Mel wacked out on wowie-sauce! 2817%-- Krusty, ``I Love Lisa'' 2818%Bart: I'd do anything to go to that show! 2818%Homer: I'd sell my first-born son! 2818%Bart: Hey! 2818%Homer: You'll do as you're told! 2818%-- And if he doesn't, you can always exchange him (again), ``I Love Lisa'' 2819%Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it? 2819%-- Homer, ``I Love Lisa'' 2820%Lisa: What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested? 2820%Marge: Well, honey, when I... 2820%Homer: [puts up a hand] Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. 2820% [enumerating them on his fingers] ``I like you as a friend.'' 2820% ``I think we should see other people.'' ``I don't speak English.'' 2820%Lisa: I get the idea. 2820%Homer: [not getting the hint] ``I'm married to the sea.'' ``I don't 2820% wanna kill you, but I will.'' ... 2820%-- What? And break the code of the schoolyard? ``I Love Lisa'' 2821%Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn. 2821%-- Homer's advice to Lisa on how to dissuade a suitor, ``I Love Lisa'' 2822%Let that be a lesson to the rest of you nuts! 2822%-- Chief Wiggum addresses a bowl of walnuts, ``I Love Lisa'' 2823%That's funny for so many reasons. 2823%-- Bart, ``I Love Lisa'' 2824%Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush? 2824%-- Homer, ``I Love Lisa'' 2825%Lisa: Just make up some excuse! [running to hide] 2825%Homer: [answering the door] She's in the can. Go away. 2825%-- ``I Love Lisa'' 2826%Since boyhood, I have yearned to be on the one-dollar bill... 2826%-- Auditions for the part of George Washington, ``I Love Lisa'' 2827%I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. 2827%I even have the Krusty Home-Pregnancy Test! 2827%-- Bart plans ahead, ``I Love Lisa'' 2828%Lisa: I'm not sure if I go. I don't even like him. 2828%Bart: You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. 2828% go, disguised as you. 2828%Lisa: But what if he wants to hold hands? 2828%Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. 2828%Lisa: What if he wants to kiss? 2828%Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. 2828%Lisa: What if... 2828%Bart: You don't want to know how far I'll go. 2828%-- The things people will do for love, ``I Love Lisa'' 2829%Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like? 2829%Homer: Sure it is, honey. You mean stealing, don't you? 2829%-- Haven't we gone through this before? ``I Love Lisa'' 2830%Lisa: My conscience is bothering me. 2830%Homer: Your conscience!? Lisa, don't let that pushy little weenie 2830% tell you what to do. [a tiny Homer-angel appears] 2830%Homer's conscience: Homer, that's a terrible thing to say. 2830%Homer: Aw, shut up! 2830%Homer's conscience: [meekly] Yes, sir. (*poof*) 2830%-- ``I Love Lisa'' 2831%Ah, nothing beats a good porno movie. 2831%-- Chief Wiggum, ``I Love Lisa'' 2832%Lisa: That story isn't suitable for children. 2832%Chief Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version. 2832%-- ``I Love Lisa'' 2833%Hey, Mr. President! I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you! 2833%-- Krusty, ``I Love Lisa'' 2834%Now, for my favorite part of the show. ... [squinting] What's that say? 2834%-- Krusty, ``I Love Lisa'' 2835%Homer: You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you 2835% crooked cops! 2835%Chief Wiggum: [suddenly afraid] They are? Oh, no! Have they set a date? 2835%-- ``I Love Lisa'' 2836%Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater 2836%and . 2836%-- Principal Skinner's warm welcome (hint hint), ``I Love Lisa'' 2837%We are the mediocre presidents. 2837%You won't find our faces on dollars or on cents! 2837%There's Taylor, there's Tyler, there's Fillmore and there's Hayes. 2837%There's William Henry Harrison, ``I died in thirty days!'' 2837%We... are... the... adequate, forgettable, occasionally regrettable 2837%Caretaker presidents of the U-S-A! 2837%-- President's Day Pageant, ``I Love Lisa'' 2838%Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act 2838%like a maniac? 2838%-- Miss Hoover gives Bart a scolding, ``I Love Lisa'' 2839%You have one line, and then you're shot. 2839%-- Miss Hoover coaches Milhouse on his r\^ole as Abraham Lincoln, 2839% ``I Love Lisa'' 2840%Hasta la vista, Abey. 2840%-- Bart Simpson plays John Wilkes Booth (the Assassinator), ``I Love Lisa'' 2841%C'mon, boy! Finish him off! 2841%-- Homer roots for John Wilkes Booth, ``I Love Lisa'' 2842%Principal Skinner: And now, our evening comes to an end... 2842%Homer: [stands up] Woo-hoo! 2842%Principal Skinner: ... with a thorough re-telling of the life of 2842% George Washington. 2842%Homer: [o.s.] D'oh! 2842%-- ``I Love Lisa'' 2843%Kerny: To the library! 2843%Jimbo: Yeah! 2843%-- ``I Love Lisa'' 2844%Attention all units! Riot in progress at (*click*) 2844%-- Chief Wiggum turns a deaf ear, ``I Love Lisa'' 2845%Benefits? Perks? A green cookie on Saint Patrick's Day? 2845%-- Monty Burns reads the proposed union contract, ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2846%You can't treat the working man this way. One day, we'll form a union 2846%and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go 2846%too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive! 2846%-- The beginning of the end, ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2847%If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the 2847%abandoned coke oven. 2847%-- Monty Burns, ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2848%Bart: Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth so he can sell 'em. 2848%Kid: To who? 2848%Bart: Know that rattle when you shake up a can of spray paint? 2848% That's a kid's teeth! 2848%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2849%Dr. Wolfe: Maggie's teeth are coming in rather crooked. 2849% Has she been sucking on a pacifier? 2849%Marge: Errrrrmmmmm... Not to my knowledge. 2849%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2850%Dr. Wolfe: I'm also afraid little Lisa is going to need braces. 2850%Lisa: Oh no! I'll be socially unpopular! ... More so! 2850%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2851%Carl: What do we want? 2851%All: More equitable treatment at the hands of management! 2851%Carl: When do we want it? 2851%All: Soon! 2851%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2852%Then I got scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet. 2852%-- Homer, ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2853%Carl: Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, 2853% Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We all pray he'll 2853% turn up soon, alive and well. 2853%All: [laugh] 2853%Carl: All right, all right. But seriously. 2853%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2854%Lenny: So long, dental plan! 2854%Homer: [thinks...] 2854%Lenny's voice: Dental plan! 2854%Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. 2854%Lenny's voice: Dental plan! 2854%Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. 2854%Lenny's voice: Dental plan! 2854%Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. 2854%Lenny's voice: Dental plan! 2854%Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. 2854%Lenny's voice: Dental plan! 2854%Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. 2854%Lenny's voice: Dental plan! 2854%Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. 2854%Chuckie: [as a prank, drops a pencil into the crack of Homer's butt] 2854%Carla: Bull's-eye! 2854%Homer: Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I lost my train of throught. 2854%Lenny's voice: Dental plan! 2854%Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. 2854%Lenny's voice: Dental plan! 2854%Marge's voice: Lisa needs braces. 2854%Homer: If we give up our dental plan... ... ... 2854% I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces! 2854%-- Surely but slowly, ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2855%Burns; Who is that firebrand, Smithers? 2855%Smithers: That's Homer Simpson. 2855%Burns: Simpson, eh? New man? 2855%Smithers: [brief chuckle] He thwarted your campaign for governor, 2855% you ran over his son, he saved the plant for meltdown, 2855% his wife painted you in the nude... 2855%Burns: Doesn't ring a bell. 2855%-- I'd remember if Marge was nude while painting me... 2855% ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2856%Homer: Hey, what does this job pay? 2856%Carl: Nuthin'. 2856%Homer: D'oh! 2856%Carl: Unless you're crooked. 2856%Homer: Woo-hoo! 2856%-- U-S-A! U-S-A! ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2857%Lisa: This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man. 2857%Homer: make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. 2857% Mmmmm... organized crime. 2857%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2858%Lisa and Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically 2858%release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's Obsession... for Teeth. 2858%-- Dr. Wolfe, ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2859%These predate stainless steel, so you can't get them wet. 2859%-- Dr. Wolfe shows Lisa a more affordable set of braces, 2859% ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2860%Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. 2860% We both want a fair union contract. 2860%Homer: [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me? 2860%Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. 2860%Homer: [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me? 2860%Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? 2860%Homer: [thinking] My God! He coming onto me! 2860%Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. 2860% [chuckle] [wink] 2860%Homer: [thinking] Aaaaaagh! 2860% [aloud] 2860% Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. 2860% Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, 2860% but the answer is no! 2860%-- Wink wink, nudge nudge, ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2861%Look, it's Lisa in the sky. 2861%-- Ringo, ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2862%Homer: [answering the door] Who is it? 2862%Voice: Goons. 2862%Homer: Who? 2862%Voice: Hired goons. 2862%Homer: Hired goons? [opens the door] 2862%Goons: [take Homer roughly away] 2862%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2863%Burns: And this is my basement. 2863% [reveals a traditional unfinished basement, 2863% complete with ping-pong table] 2863%Homer: Gee, it's not as nice as the other rooms. 2863%Burns: Yes, I really should stop ending the tour with it. 2863%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2864%Burns: Now, let's get down to business. 2864%Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. 2864% Why did I have all that beer and coffee? 2864% [water drips in the background, Smithers pours a cup of coffee] 2864%Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. 2864% I want to take the pressure off. 2864% Now, it doesn't take a `whiz' to know that 2864% you're looking out for `Number One'. 2864% Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon. 2864%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2865%Homer: Which way to the bathroom? 2865%Burns: Oh, it's the twenty-third door on the left. 2865%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2866%Tonight, on Smartline. Power plant strike. Argle bargle, or fooforaw? 2866%-- Kent Brockman, ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2867%I brought my own mike! 2867%-- Dr. Joyce Brothers appears on `Smartline', ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2868%Kent: Um, my director is telling me not to talk to you any more. 2868%Homer: Woo-hoo! 2868%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2869%Look at them all, through the darkness I'm bringing. 2869%They're not sad at all. They're actually singing! 2869%They sing without juicers. 2869%They sing without blenders. 2869%They sing without plungers, cap-dabblers and smengers! 2869%-- ``Last Exit to Springfield'' 2870%Ixnay on the Oojay! 2870%-- Ustykray the Ownklay, ``The Front'' 2871%What are you going to change your name to when you grow up? 2871%-- Bart to Lisa, ``The Front'' 2872%Eh, I could pull a better cartoon out of my a...heheheh-hey! Whoa! 2872%Wasn't that great, kids? 2872%-- Krusty discovers the wonders of live television, ``The Front'' 2873%Lisa: The writers should be ashamed of themselves! 2873%Bart: Cartoons have writers? 2873%-- I thought it was just a bunch of stuff that happened, ``The Front'' 2874%Lisa: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 2874%Bart: Probably not. 2874%-- ``The Front'' 2875%Homer's brain: This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the horrible secret 2875% from your past. 2875%Homer: Marge I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom. 2875%Marge: Oh, my God! 2875%Homer's brain: No, the other secret! 2875%-- One secret at a time, ``The Front'' 2876%Homer: I never passed Remedial Science 1A. 2876%Marge: And you're a nuclear technician? 2876%-- But his job description clearly specified an illiterate, ``The Front'' 2877%Lisa: Look, there's only one way to settle this. Rock-paper-scissors. 2877%Lisa's brain: Poor predictable Bart. Always takes `rock'. 2877%Bart's brain: Good 'ol `rock'. Nuthin' beats that! 2877%Bart: Rock! 2877%Lisa: Paper. 2877%Bart: D'oh! 2877%-- ``The Front'' 2878%What about Grampa? He's pretty out of it. 2878%He let those guys use his checkbook for a whole year. 2878%-- Bart, ``The Front'' 2879%When I read your magazine, I don't see one wrinkled face or single 2879%toothless grin. For shame! To the sickos at `Modern Bride' magazine. 2879%-- Grampa Simpson writes a letter, ``The Front'' 2880%Bart: Hey, Grampa, we need to know your first name. 2880%Grampa: You're making my tombstone!? 2880%-- ``The Front'' 2881%Whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear! 2881%-- Grampa Simpson, ``The Front'' 2882%Bobby: First, the award for the alumnus who gaied the most weight. 2882% Homer Simpson! 2882%Homer: Oh, my God! 2882%Bobby: How'd you do it, Homer? 2882%Homer: I discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch. 2882%-- ``The Front'' 2883%What can I say? It hasn't been easy staying in my rut. 2883%-- Homer accepts an award, ``The Front'' 2884%Bart! Our cartoon's on TV! 2884%-- Lisa, ``The Front'' 2885%Lisa; Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing nothing? 2885%Grampa: I figured, 'cuz the Democrats were in power again. 2885%-- ``The Front'' 2886%Dear Mr. President. There are too many states nowadays. 2886%Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot! 2886%-- Grampa Simpson writes another letter, ``The Front'' 2887%Homer: All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. 2887% But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing 2887% you with beer. 2887%Homer's brain: It's a deal! 2887%-- ``The Front'' 2888%I'll never watch an awards show again. 2888%-- Bart Simpson, ``The Front'' 2889%God bless those pagans... 2889%-- Homer, ``So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show'' 2890%TV: The following is a public service announcement. 2890% Excessive alcohol consumption can cause liver damage 2890% and cancer of the rectum. 2890%Homer: Mmmmm... beer... 2890%-- Homer, ``So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show'' 2891%Eddie: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place. 2891%Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away. 2891%-- ``So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show'' 2892%Eddie: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney! 2892%Wiggum: [gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8. 2892%Eddie: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels. 2892%-- ``So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show'' 2893%It was an amusing episode. ... Of our lives. 2893%-- Bart, ``So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show'' 2894%Mmm... Chocolate... 2894%-- Homer, ``So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show'' 2895%Marge: Please, Grampa, he's in a coma. 2895%Grampa: Coma!? Pfffft. Why, I go in and out of comas all the... 2895% [falls asleep] 2895% [wakes up] French toast, please. 2895%-- ``So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show'' 2896%Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Up Late with McBain". I'm your 2896% announcer, Corporal Markokuffen Fuehrer Wolfcastle. And 2896% heeere's McBain! 2896%McBain: Ja, thank you, ja, that's nice. Let's say hello to my music 2896% guy, Skoey. [Skoey bows] That is some outfit, Skoey. It 2896% makes you look like a homosexual. 2896% [Audience boos] 2896% Whoa, maybe you all are homosexuals too! 2896%Bart: This is horrible. 2896%Lisa: The FOX network has sunk to a new low. 2896%-- Thank God for FOX, "Cape Feare" 2897%Marge: Lisa, you got a letter. 2897%Lisa: It's from my pen-pal Anya! [reads] 2897%Anya: [voice over] Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our 2897% president has been overthrown and 2897% [voice changes to that of a man] 2897% replaced by the benevolent general Krull. All hail Krull and his 2897% glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl. 2897%-- Hmm, sudden tone change, "Cape Feare" 2898%But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the Menace. 2898%-- Bart, "Cape Feare" 2899%Abe: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably 2899% that evil Gavin MacLeod or George "Goober" Lindsay. 2899%Bart: [dismissively] Grandpa, Matlock's not real. 2899%Abe: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if 2899% someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's 2899% good eatin'! 2899%-- Matlock and corn: good by themselves, twice as good together, "Cape 2899% Feare" 2900%Um, I checked around. The girls are calling you "fatty-fat fat fat", 2900%and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but...nobody's trying to 2900%kill ya. 2900%-- Milhouse the informer to Bart, "Cape Feare" 2901%[cheerfully] All right, this is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the 2901%message, "I am coming to kill you slowly _and_ painfully." 2901%-- Marty, the wacky radio DJ, "Cape Feare" 2902% [Scene shows Marge in the kitchen] 2902%Marge: [threateningly] Bart, I am going to _get_ you...[brandishes 2902% some scissors] 2902%Bart: [gasps] 2902%Marge: [cheerfully] ...some ice cream at the store, since I'm saving 2902% so much money on Diet Cola! [holds up a coupon] 2902% [Scene switches to Flanders outside] 2902%Flanders: [threateningly] Say your prayers, Simpson...[brandishes a 2902% glove with knives on the fingers] 2902%Bart: [gasps] 2902%Flanders: [cheerfully] ...because the schools can't force you like they 2902% should! [clips the hedge] Maude, these new finger razors make 2902% hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church. 2902% [Scene switches to Bart's classroom] 2902%Edna: [threateningly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart... 2902%Bart: [gasps] 2902%Edna: [sweetly] ...in our school production of "Lizzie Borden", 2902% starring Martin Prince as Lizzie. 2902% [Shot of Martin in drag] 2902%Martin: [with an axe] Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart! 2902%-- They're all out to get you, "Cape Feare" 2903%Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no 2903% law against mailing threatening letters. 2903%Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is. 2903%Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle -- 2903%Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. [shows him "Springfield Law"] 2903%Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's _also_ illegal to put squirrels down 2903% your pants for the purposes of gambling. 2903% [Shot of Eddie the cop with squirrels running around in his 2903% pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing] 2903% Boys, knock it off! 2903%-- The perks of being a man in blue, "Cape Feare" 2904%Lisa: Bart, I figured it out! Who's someone you've been making 2904% irritating phone calls to for years? 2904%Bart: Linda Lavin? 2904%Lisa: No, someone who _didn't_ deserve it. 2904%-- As long as it's cheaper than 555-CORY, "Cape Feare" 2905%Bob: [narrating aloud] Dear "Life in these United States", a funny 2905% thing happened to me...uh...[faints] 2905%Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob. 2905%-- The pen is mightier than the sword -- except when it runs out of 2905% blood, "Cape Feare" 2906%Bob: Take care, Snake. May the next time we meet be under more... 2906% _felicitous_ circumstances. 2906%Snake: [not understanding] Guh? 2906%Bob: Take care. 2906%Snake: Buh. 2906%-- Never made it to grade 10, "Cape Feare" 2907%Wiggum: [miffed] Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me "Chief 2907% Piggum!" 2907% [everyone laughs] 2907% Heh, now I get it. That's good. 2907%-- Guess you _didn't_ have to be there, "Cape Feare" 2908%Lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart 2908% Simpson? 2908%Bob: [barely in control] Bart Simpson? Ha! The spirited little 2908% scam who twice foiled my evil schemes and [maliciously] sent me 2908% to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole? 2908%Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole" when you 2908% could have said, "peepee-soaked heckhole". 2908%Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn. 2908%-- We aim to please, "Cape Feare" 2909%Lawyer: But what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die 2909% Bart, Die?" 2909%Bob: [conciliatorily] No, that's German for "The Bart, The." 2909% [The spectators laugh, understanding] 2909%Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man. 2909%-- Remember World War II?, "Cape Feare" 2910%Bart+Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob! 2910%Bart: _You_ wrote me those letters. 2910%Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son. 2910%Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. [evilly] Stay 2910% away...forever! 2910%Homer: [quaking] No! 2910%Bob: Wait a minute, that's no good. 2910% [Starts to walk away, then runs back] 2910% Wait! I've got a good one now. Marge, say, "Stay away from 2910% my son," again. 2910%Marge: [angrily] No! 2910%Bob: [groaning] Oh... 2910%-- I hate it when that happens, "Cape Feare" 2911%Wiggum: Now Sideshow Bob can't get in without _me_ knowing. And once 2911% a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and 2911% legal. 2911%Homer: [nefariously] Is that so? [calls out window] Oh, Flanders! 2911% Won't you join me in my kitchen? Heh, heh, heh... 2911%Wiggum: Er, it doesn't work if you invite him. 2911%Flanders: [effusively] Heidily hey! 2911%Homer: [truculently] Go home! 2911%Flanders: [congenially] Toodily doo! 2911%-- Coulda worked, though, "Cape Feare" 2912%Man: Now don't you fret. When I'm through, he won't set foot in this 2912% town again. I can be very, _very_ persuasive. [reloads his gun] 2912% [Scene change to a bar] 2912%Man: [whining] C'mon, leave town! 2912%Bob: No. 2912%Man: I'll be your friend? 2912%Bob: No. 2912%Man: Aw, you're mean! 2912%-- How to Win Arguments and Influence People, "Cape Feare" 2913%Bart: I'll be Gus, the lovable chimney-sweep. Clean as a whistle, 2913% sharp as a thistle, best in all Westminster. Yeah! 2913%Homer: Shut up, boy. 2913%-- So much for _that_ new identity, "Cape Feare" 2914%Agent: We have places your family can hide in peace and security: Cape 2914% Fear, Terror Lake, New Horrorfield, Screamville -- 2914%Homer: [enthusiastically] Ooh, Ice Creamville! 2914%Agent: Er, no, Screamville. 2914%Homer: [scared] Aah! 2914%-- A fertile imagination, "Cape Feare" 2915%Agent: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson 2915% at Terror Lake. Let's just practise a bit, hmm? When I say, 2915% "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi." 2915%Homer: Check. 2915%Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson. 2915%Homer: [stares blankly] 2915%Agent: Remember now, your name is Mr. Thompson. 2915%Homer: I gotcha. 2915%Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson. 2915%Homer: [stares blankly] 2915% [A long time later] 2915%Agent: [sighs in frustration] Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," 2915% and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. 2915%Homer: No problem. 2915%Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! [stomps on Homer's foot a few times] 2915%Homer: [stares blankly] 2915% [to other agent] I think he's talking to _you_. 2915%-- Some things just won't stick, "Cape Feare" 2916%Homer: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch? 2916%Bart: Yeah! 2916%Lisa: Yeah! 2916%Bob: [disguising his voice from under the car] No! 2916%Homer: Well, two against one! 2916%-- That's democracy, "Cape Feare" 2917%Marge: [ruefully] We've left it all behind. How can you make a clean 2917% break with your life? 2917%Homer: Relax, Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left. 2917% [Scene change to Simpsons' old house] 2917%Abe: [knocking] Hello-o? Hello-o! You have my pills! Hello-o? 2917% [meekly] I'm cold, and there are wolves after me. 2917% [Howling is heard in the distance] 2917%-- All the loose ends except one, "Cape Feare" 2918%Homer: [cracks a beer] Ahh! 2918%Bart: Mom, Dad, I saw Sideshow Bob and he threatened to kill me! 2918%Homer: Bart, don't interrupt! 2918%Marge: Homer, this is serious! 2918%Homer: Oh, it is not. 2918%-- "Cape Feare" 2919%[dictating while writing] Roman numeral three: surprise boy in bed... 2919%[sips his tea] ...and, er, disembowel him! 2919%No, I don't like that "bowel" in there. [erases it] Gut him! Ah, le 2919%mot juste. 2919%-- Sideshow Bob plots his revenge, "Cape Feare" 2920%Bob: Well, Bart...any last requests? 2920%Bart: Well, there is one, but...nah. 2920%Bob: [curious] No, go on. 2920%Bart: Well, you have such a beautiful voice. 2920%Bob: [arrogantly] Guilty as charged. 2920%Bart: Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire 2920% score of the "H.M.S. Pinafore". 2920%Bob: Very well, Bart. I shall send you to heaven before I send you to 2920% hell. 2920%-- "Cape Feare" 2921%Bob: And now [draws his sword] the final curtain...[walks towards 2921% Bart] 2921% [The boat hits a rock and Bob is sent flying] 2921% [Chief Wiggum and other policemen are on shore in their 2921% bathrobes] 2921%Wiggum: [cocks his gun] Hold it right there, Sideshow Bob. You're under 2921% arrest. 2921%Bob: By Lucifer's beard! 2921%Wiggum: Uh, yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel. 2921%-- Depends on who you ask, "Cape Feare" 2922%Bart: I knew I had to buy some time. So I asked him to sing the score 2922% from the "H.M.S. Pinafore". 2922%Homer: Ooh, a plan fiendishly clever in its in-tric-asies. 2922%-- Homer, literary scholar, "Cape Feare" 2923%Bart: Take him away, boys. 2923%Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here! Bake him away, toys. 2923%Lou: What'd you say, chief? 2923%Wiggum: [quietly] Do what the kid says. 2923%-- Yeah, what he said, "Cape Feare"

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