(Milhouse in Love) Written by Jay Kogen and Wallace Wolodarsky Directed by Jim Reardon [$I

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(Milhouse in Love) Written by Jay Kogen and Wallace Wolodarsky Directed by Jim Reardon =============================================================================== [$Id: 8f22 1.2 92/05/09 14:02:42 raymond Exp Locker: raymond $] =============================================================================== > Title sequence =============================================================================== Cut from clouds directly to driveway. Driveway :- Homer says `D'oh!' when Lisa scoots past. Homer says `Waugh!' when the car closes in on him. Couch: :- the couch tips over backwards, sending them through the wall. Recycled from [7f24]. =============================================================================== > Didja notice... =============================================================================== Also Starring Maggie Roswell (telephone operator) Russi Taylor (Martin) And Pamela Hayden as Milhouse Special Guest Voice Phil Hartman (Troy McClure) Special Guest Voice Kimmy Robertson (Samantha Stanky) Special Guest Voice Marcia Wallace (Ms. Krabappel) ... when Milhouse and Samantha kiss for the first time... ... their lips+neck+arms form a perfect heart shape? {bps} ... Samantha has only one foot on the ground? Where are parietals when you need them... ... just as Kent Brockman says, ``In real life...'' the caption on the screen reads, ``Dramatization''? ... Wendell on the bus, covering his mouth and clutching his stomach? =============================================================================== > Reviews =============================================================================== Karl Wagenfuehr {kw}: Truly amoung the superior endeavors undertaken by our laudable Simpsons concoctors -- highest accolades! Ted Frank {thf}: Pretty solid, though not one of the all-time greats. Lawrence Schwimmer {las}: Good episode! True, the two plotlines didn't meld together, but well-done nonetheless. Scott Amspoker {sa}: I laughed out loud a lot more than usual. The kind of episode that keeps me coming back for more. Yours Truly {rjc}: ``Best of show'' award goes to Milhouse's ``We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.'' A close second was ``She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper.'' =============================================================================== > Movie (and other) References =============================================================================== + Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark - The music - Light streaming dramatically - Bart tiptoes past assorted obstacles - He wiggles his fingers, then tips the jar into his hand - Homer's tumbling form (the rock that Indy runs away from) - Maggie's suction darts (assorted protective traps) - Bart escapes by the skin of his teeth - Homer yells ``Unga-bunga!'' as Bart speeds off Goldfinger - Itchy's hat-weapon Casablanca - the final scene and the final scene - The Marsellaise plays - Clouds hover (cf. fog) =============================================================================== > Freeze Frame Fun =============================================================================== >> The Quest for Homer's Penny Jar ``Homer's Change: DON'T TOUCH!'' Preliminary obstacles Discarded underwear, bunny slippers, pink socks... Defence Systems Homer's rolling form Bart hops over Snowball II Bart slides under SLH Bart dodges Maggie's suction darts Bart takes a ride on the ceiling fan Bart narrowly escapes the closing jaws of the Door-A-Matic >> Bart's test Name ___Bart_Simpson___ FFF F Very poor, FF even for you F F TEST ---- When was our country discovered? __60[obscured] Who discovered our country? __BO[obscured] Who was our country's first president? ___EAT___ [squiggles] ___MY____ [squiggles] _SHORTS__ [squiggles] ___MAN___ >> The sex education film Poster: ``The four food groups'' 1. Bread and pepperoni pizza (or maybe chocolate-chip cookies) 2. Milk and cheese 3. ????? 4. Fish and steak Fuzzy Bunny's Guide to You Know What (copyright 1971) Bunny courtship rituals Walking in the park Ice cream social ``The Boat Show. 4:00 Today Bob Denver'' (Bob Denver played Gilligan on Gilligan's Island) Firing range (shooting at a silhouette of a bunny) Bowling (only 7 pins) Bunny wedding Fuzzy stomps on a glass Bunny honeymoon suite ``LOVE'' poster over the bed Lava lamp Lamp with peace sign painted on it Munching carrots (Ms. Krabappel smokes a cigarette while watching the movie) Fluffy's hospital room Fourteen diapered babies in assorted colors I.V. bottle with blood Fuzzy smokes a cigar >> Doomed Romance Comics On the back cover: an ad for an Elvis doll. {kw} >> Homer's (dream) funeral Homer Simpson Born: 9 lbs 6 oz Died: 402 lbs 1 oz [Apparently, Homer was overweight from day one. --rjc] >> ``Eternity'' magazine The year 2525: Were Zager and Evans Right? [Zager and Evans performed the song ``In the Year 2525'' back in the '70s] Dr. Marvin Monroe Subliminal Tape Club (call KL5-3700) >> Milhouse's baseball card collection Carl Yastrzemski (traded for a torn Omar Vizquel card) Mickey Mantle 1958 (traded for a photo of Homer sleeping on the couch) >> Martin's bedroom Poster of Einstein Poster of Periodic Table Bedspread covered with mathematical formulas Plus an `E=MC^2' thrown in for good measure Something that looks like a book hanging on a string Wall-mounted lute and cap Potted plant (see [7F03]) >> Springfield Googolplex Theaters 1. I Let... 2. Scrub Me... 3. Tumbleweeds... 4. Rip Roarin' Reverend 5. Sing, Monkey, Sing 6. Space Mutants VII 7. Hot Grits A Flyin' Posters for Rollerblade Space Mutants VI [sic] >> Milhouse's room X-wing fighter hanging from ceiling Spinal Tap poster Krusty the Clown Show wastepaper basket Lava lamp Krusty walkie-talkie (see [8F04]) ``I (heart) Krusty'' bumper sticker >> The final panel Homer Sez: Increase Your Wordiness (Inset of Homer with a graduation cap and pointer) Satiety: Belt-popping fullness Triumverate: Three guys giving orders Gourmand: Like a gourmet, only fatter Machiavellian: I don't know Boudoir: Where a french [sic] guy does it =============================================================================== > Animation and continuity goofs =============================================================================== When Lisa sits down on the bus, her hair is drawn in front of the boy she is sitting behind. The treehouse never had a window before. =============================================================================== > Comments and other observations =============================================================================== >> References >>> Previous episodes [7G08] Circus of Values [8F02] Bart's history test [7F03] ``No study area is complete without adequate plant life.'' [8F19] Springfield Googolplex Theaters [8F04] Krusty walkie-talkie >> Just before Milhouse comments on Samantha's dress, a student walks past holding a notebook, on which is drawn a heart with the inscription ``RW + JS''. Any guesses? >> Many of Homer's ``big words'' in fact don't exist. You can always count on Dr. Marvin Monroe to get the facts wrong. >> Madonna was rumored to have been the first choice for Samantha. Kimmy Robertson played Lucy on ``Twin Peaks''. >> Magic Eight Ball [noel@umbc1.umbc.edu] provides the complete list of Magic Eight Ball responses, if anybody cared... Outlook not so good You may rely on it Cannot predict now Yes definitely Better not tell you now My reply is no Ask again later Most likely Don't count on it Outlook good It is decidedly so Very doubtful It is certain As I see it yes Concentrate and ask again My sources say no Signs point to yes YES Reply hazy try again Without a doubt [Note that `NO' is not on the list. Dramatic license. --rjc] =============================================================================== > Quotes and scene summary =============================================================================== % Homer's change jar twinkles atop his dresser. Bart cautious approaches % and swipes it. Homer's rumbling form appears. ``Why you little...'' % Bart makes his escape through the house, barely exiting through the garage % door as it closes. (For that added dramatic touch, he has to reach back % inside for his lucky red hat.) He hops aboard the school bus and tips his % hat good-bye as Homer shouts incoherently. % % Bart takes his seat next to Milhouse, who shows him a `Magic Eight Ball' % his father bought for him at the Circus of Values. Bart: Cool! An oversized novelty billiard ball! Milhouse: Yeah, you shake it up and it tells the future! Bart: Really? Milhouse: Uh huh. Bart: [takes it] Will I pass my English test? [shakes it] [reads] ``Outlook not so good''. Wow, it work! -- Ask me no questions, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Milhouse gives it a shot. ``Will I get beat up today?'' The ball says, % ``All signs point to Yes.'' Nelson pokes his head over the seat. ``That % ball knows everything.'' He slugs Milhouse. Bart takes the ball and asks % if he and Milhouse will be friends forever. ``Don't count on it.'' He % aims a little lower, but the prognosis is still bleak. Grasping at straws, % he asks, ``Will Milhouse and I be friends at the end of the day?'' The % answer is `No'. Bart asks, ``What could come between two bestest buddies % like us?'' % % Dramatic close-up of a sweet little girl with braces. Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students. Other principals try to unload problem cases that way. Lord knows do... -- Principal Skinner welcomes a new student, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Samantha explains that she's a student, but Skinner doesn't believe % her, momentarily going off in his own world of resentment for his Vietnam % War service. He checks her permanent record, which is clean, and notes % that she beat her bedwetting problem in the second grade. ``That's in % there?'' ``Don't worry, they'll forget.'' Skinner lapses again. % % Ms. Krabappel hands out the graded tests, and the Magic Eight Ball was % right on the money. Skinner comes in with Samantha. (Ms. Krabappel % gripes about the class size.) Skinner in his usual slip-of-the-tongue % manner introduces Samantha Stinky (oops, I mean, Stanky). Ms.K: I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear. Samantha: Uh huh. Ms.K: So, why don't you stand in front of the class and tell us about yourself. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise. -- Introducing a new student, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Samantha explains that her father owns a home security company and moved % the family from Phoenix to Springfield because of its high crime rate and % lackluster police force. She also notes the weird smell of the town. % Ms. Krabappel tells her she'll get used to it after six weeks. % % At lunchtime in the schoolyard, Bart offers Milhouse a Wet Willie. Bart % licks his finger and sticks it into Milhouse's ear. (``Victim number % four!'') Bart leaves to turn Lewis into his next victim. A stray ball % knocks Milhouse's glasses off. We get a Milhouse's-eye-view of the fuzzy % world around him as he fumbles for his glasses, threatening the person % responsible. He puts on his glasses and sees Samantha standing sweetly, % ball in hand. (``Whoa.'') Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy target for [turning bitter] every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car and tight jeans... [calms down] I will now show a short sex-education film. -- Ms. Krabappel, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls. -- Ms. Krabappel shows a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % The videotape plays. Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as ``Lead Paint, Delicious But Deadly'' and ``Here Comes the Metric System!'' -- ``(Milhouse in Love)'' I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. And now, here's... ``Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What''... -- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' This is Fuzzy Bunny. About a year ago, he noticed his voice was changing, he had terrible acne, and had fur where there was no fur before. -- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Bart finds the film boring. Milhouse and Samantha catch each other's eye. % The movie continues. Fuzzy and Fluffy courted, but ``never ruined their % fun by giving in to their throbbing biologicla urges.'' On their honeymoon % night... Cut back to the students watching the film. The all shout, % ``Ewwwwwww!'' (Wendell covers his eyes.) She's faking it. -- Ms. Krabappel shows the class a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' Nine months later, Fluffy gave birth to fourteen beautiful little bunnies. Eight survived. -- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' And now that you know how it's done... Don't do it. -- Troy McClure narrates a sex education film, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Ms. Krabappel asks if there are any questions. Nelson asks why she and % Mr. Krabappel don't live together. ``Because Mr. Krabappel chased something % small and fluffy down a rabbit hole.'' Samantha: How do we know when we fall in love? Ms.K: Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone. [chuckles] -- ``(Milhouse in Love)'' Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature? Ms.K: I'm sorry, that would be playing God. Bart: God shmod! I want my monkey-man! -- ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % The bell rings and the kids stream out of school. Milhouse approaches % Samantha. Milhouse: Uh... That's a nice dress. Samantha: My Dad makes me wear it. I hate it. Milhouse: Uh, I hate it, too! -- Flexibility in crisis, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Milhouse offers to walk Samantha home, and she accepts. Everybody on! No shoving! Hee, just kidding. You can shove all you want! -- Otto, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Bart tells Otto he can't leave until Milhouse gets on, but Otto has other % priorities. My girlfriend's dancing topless at the airport bar. 4:15 to 4:20! -- Otto, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % The bus speeds off, as Bart sees Milhouse and Samantha out the window. % % Milhouse joins Bart in the treehouse. He brings Samantha along. Samantha: Hi. Bart: Hey, what's with the skirt? Milhouse: I've brought friends to this treehouse before. Bart: Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude? -- ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Bart lets her stay and rummages through his Radioactive Man comics to % find reading material more suited to the fairer sex. He finds ``Radioactive % Man vs. The Swamp Hag''. Samantha asks after some more traditional % girl-oriented comics, and Bart offers to get some of Lisa's ``wide % selection of `Cracked' comics.'' % % Bart climbs the tree, comics in hand, holding up a copy of Lisa's % mushy ``Doomed Romance Comics''. ``Ewwww. You guys wanna see something % gross?'' He spots Milhouse and Samantha kissing. Gross me out, man. % % [End of Act One] % % ``Tonight on Smartline: I'm Okay, You're Too Fat''. Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind it is a very big canyon. -- Kent Brockman's report, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Disgusted with the choice of viewing, Homer reaches for the remote control, % but it's barely out of reach. Rather than get up off the couch, he decides % to give it another chance. A dramatization of Santa on a hospital bed, % two reindeer standing a tearful vigil. But to no avail. The doctor % pulls the sheet over his head. % % Lisa, who is also watching, turns to see Homer's ample belly. She imagines % Homer's funeral. An older Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie (adult, but still % sucking her pacifier) stand by the grave. I wish they had never invented fried cheese! -- Marge cries at Homer's funeral (in Lisa's dream), ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Since there wasn't a casket large enough, Homer is buried in a piano % crate, lowered on a crane into the grave. The grave diggers rush to % enlarge the hole, but the chain snaps, crushing everyone. End of dream. We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger. -- Homer watches a television advertisement, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Lisa resolves, ``I've gotta help him.'' % % While Milhouse and Samantha kiss, Bart trades Milhouse's valuable % baseball cards for his own worthless ones and, hearing no objection, % concludes the deal. Samantha checks her watch and says she has to % leave. ``My Dad thinks I'm having my braces examined.'' Her parting % kiss fogs Milhouse's glasses. Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running. -- Bart, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Bart asks Milhouse what the big deal is about kissing, and Milhouse % explains. % % Back inside... We start with pure milk chocolate... Add a layer of farm-fresh honey... Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar... And dip it in rich, creamery butter... -- The candy bar from hell, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' Lisa: Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger? Homer: I'd say you're a lying scumbag! -- You did ask, after all, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Lisa (wielding her copy of Eternity Magazine) suggests Homer use % subliminal lose-weight tapes to curb his appetite. Lisa: They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep. As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your brain telling you to eat less. Homer: Lose weight listen to New Age music? Wow! -- ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Homer asks Marge's opinion. She responds, ``Homer, I love you just the % way you are.'' She then privately asks Lisa for the phone number. % % Marge dials the number, and the operator asks, ``Would you like to lose % weight, stop smoking, learn the state capitals, master hostage % negotiations...'' Marge imagines Homer as a hostage negotiator, but % chooses the weight loss tapes. The operator types the order into the % computer. Over at the warehouse, the order is received via air tube. % They are out of weight loss tapes, so they send him a vocabulary building % tape instead. % % Homer is nestled in bed, a set of headphones on his head. He reminisces % on the things he and his stomach have done together before going to sleep. % The tape begins. ``Hello, this is Dr. Marvin Monroe. Let's build your % vocabulary. A -- Abattoir. Slaughterhouse. The cow was slaughtered in % the abattoir.'' % % The next morning, Homer eats several handfuls of bacon. Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic repacity knows no satieties. -- Marge buys vocabulary building subliminal tapes by mistake, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % From his room, Bart watches Milhouse and Samantha kissing in the treehouse. % Marge learns of Milhouse's new girlfriend and giggles. Bart: All they do is kiss. Marge: How cute! [turns to leave, then catches herself] They don't open their mouths, do they? Bart: No. Marge: How cute! -- Both feet on the ground, please. ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Boarding the school bus, Bart sees Milhouse and Samantha kissing, so he % reluctantly takes the empty seat next to Martin. Martin is ecstatic. This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully lobbied to have the school day extended by twenty minutes! -- Martin, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Bart explains he's looking for a friend who won't leave him for a girl, % and Martin eagerly accepts. (And announces the fact for all to hear.) % % In his room, Martin offers to play the lute for Bart. He does so (and % sings along), as we see Bart escaping out the front door. % % In bed, Marge asks Homer why the tapes aren't working, but Homer responds, % ``Here in the boudoir, the gourmand metamorphosizes [sic] into the % voluptuary [sic]!'' Marge doesn't understand. Homer kisses her. Now % she understands... % % Another absurd Itchy and Scratch cartoon, this one with a marriage theme. % Bart laughs uproariously, but Milhouse and Samantha don't share his % assessment. % % At the Googolplex Theaters, Bart, Milhouse and Samantha watch a Space Mutant % movie. Bart chows down on popcorn and soda. Wow, that really took my mind off those awful transforming space mutants. -- Man to woman in bed, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % The woman in question metamorphosizes into a space mutant. Milhouse and % Samantha scream, then kiss. Bart sees them and says, ``D'oh!'' % % Afterward, Bart suggests they go spit on Skinner's car, but Milhouse % says, ``There's such a thing as spending much time together.'' % Bart answers, ``I'm tired of watching you two lip-wrestle. There are % plenty of other ways to be grossed out in this town.'' Bart storms into % an alley, where he starts to cry. Milhouse pops in. He asks if they % can still use his treehouse, for ``if her father catches us, he'll % kill her!'' Bart grants his permission and laughs evilly. % % [End of Act Two] % % As Homer raids the fridge for ``a sextet of ale'', Bart calls Mr. Stanky... % % Mr. Stanky catches Samantha and Milhouse kissing and lets out a prolonged % ``Noooooooooooooo!'' Ravens flee from the tree. Mr.Stanky: Samantha, you're my little girl, and sometimes my imagination runs away with me. Just, just tell me what happened. Samantha: Well, Milhouse and I... Mr.Stanky: That's enough! -- Guilt by association, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Mr. Stanky will put Samantha in an all-girls school. Milhouse and Samantha % call out to each other as Mr. Stanky puts his daughter in the car and % drives away. How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy. -- Milhouse, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % In the morning, Lisa wakes up Homer (listening to the vocabulary tape) % noting that it's been two weeks since they bought the tape. Homer gets % on the scale... and he's gained 13 pounds. Homer angrily (and with % a heavy dose of polysyllabics) discards the tapes. % % Chuck and Ralph comment on Milhouse's current state. Lisa: Hey, Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, man will have another finger. [shows an artist's conception of a five-fingered hand] Bart: Five fingers? Ewwww! Freak show! -- Only for some, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Bart needs some advice, but Marge isn't home. He tried talking to Homer, % but couldn't understand him. Lisa notes that, although there is a chemical % under development that can be used to eliminate guilt, the only solution % given the state of modern technology is to confess. % % Mrs. Van Houten thanks Bart for coming and shows him to Milhouse's room, % where he finds Milhouse crying on his bed. Bart confesses, and the two % fight. Mrs. Van Houten pops in and is pleased. ``Milhouse is out of % bed and full of beans!'' Mr. Van Houten is also pleased. % % In the struggle, Bart reaches for a weapon. He passes over a pair of % scissors, a broken glass bottle and a brick, settling on the Magic Eight % Ball, with which he coshes Milhouse (breaking the ball in the process). % % Back in the Simpsons kitchen, Homer searches the drawers... Homer: Marge, where's that... metal deely... you use to... dig... food... Marge: You mean, a spoon? Homer: Yeah, yeah! -- It was on the tip of my tongue, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % Homer uses the spoon to gorge on chocolate ice cream. % % Bart and Milhouse pay a visit to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls. Bart: How are we going to find her? Milhouse: She said she'd be wearing a plaid jumper. -- Paying a visit to Saint Sebastian's School for Wicked Girls, ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % They spot her, and Milhouse presents Samantha with a ten-gallon tub of % gummy bears. He hands it over to her, but it's so heavy, she can't hold % it. (*thud*) Bart: Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the penguin house. Samantha: That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian [School]. It's run by a group of French-Canadian nuns. They're very nice, except they never let me ewt. -- ``(Milhouse in Love)'' % A nun sings in French and says, ``Samantha, ne pas de boys.'' The bell % rings, and Samantha must return to class. Milhouse puckers up, but % Samantha says, ``I'd better not. It's fifty rosaries a kiss.'' But she % gives in. ``What the heck!'' Bart and Milhouse leave. ``Bart, think % I can ever find another one like her?'' ``You're asking the wrong guy, % Milhouse. They all look alike to me. Now let's go whip donuts at old % people.'' % % Quick flashcard of ``Professor Homer'' giving a vocabulary lesson. % % [End of Act Three] =============================================================================== Episode summaries Copyright 1992 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)

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