Dog of Death Written by John Swarzwelder Directed by Jim Reardon [$Id 8f17 1.2 920315 1310

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Dog of Death Written by John Swarzwelder Directed by Jim Reardon =============================================================================== [$Id: 8f17 1.2 92/03/15 13:10:03 raymond Exp Locker: raymond $] =============================================================================== > Title sequence =============================================================================== Blackboard :- `I saw nothing unusual / in the teacher's [sic] lounge'. `I saw nothing unusual / in the teacher's loun' at cutoff. Lisa's solo:- very fragmented. Recycled from [8f09]. Driveway :- Homer says `D'oh!' when Lisa scoots past. Homer says `Waugh!' when the car closes in on him. Couch :- Homer gets there first and lies down. The rest of the family arrive and sit on him. Homer flails his arms. Recycled from [8f06], except that we don't hear Homer's muffled protests. =============================================================================== > Didja notice... =============================================================================== Also Starring Maggie Roswell (Miss Hoover, nurse) Frank Welker (Santa's Little Helper and other animals) ... a beer was spilled on the pool table when everyone rushed out of Moe's? A very expensive accident. {ajr} ... the woman scolding her child by the Squishee machine? ... Julie Kavner voiced one of the teachers? ... Maggie poking SLH's eyeballs? Notice also the peas that escaped from Maggie's TV dinner. ... one of the kids in Krusty's audience is asleep, his head tilted back and his mouth wide open? =============================================================================== > Reviews =============================================================================== Ted Frank {thf}: One of the best episodes yet. The writing's still up to snuff. I was worried for a minute that OFF were going to win the lottery. David Hyatt {dh2}: A pretty good average episode. Some episodes are really ``hot'', because they're really special, like the baseball episode or the arrowsmith [sic] episode. This was a return to normalcy, and a good one. Alan J Rosenthal {ajr}: I think this is a good one; not one of the best, but definitely up there. Yours Truly {rjc}: A good showing, though not classic material. I liked the dramatic music after the vet says ``or he'll die.'' I'm probably the only one who died laughing the moment Ms. Hoover wrote ``Copernicus'' on the blackboard. Laughed so hard, I missed Lisa's ``D'oh!'' =============================================================================== > Movie (and other) References =============================================================================== Ben Casey? Dr Kildare? - the vet + Michael Jackson - The Michael Jackson Expressway - Kent Brockman's pet llama - Monty Burns' longevity treatment + A Clockwork Orange - The brainwashing scene - eyes propped open as something is dropped onto them - showing disturbing movies - Beethoven's Ninth Symphony =============================================================================== > Freeze Frame Fun =============================================================================== >> Stuff atop the Kwik-E-Mart roof boomerangs (There ya go, Chris. An Aussie ref.) Skyro flying ring three-armed flying thing a mini-Frisbee >> The Springfield Shopper Headline: LOTTERY DRAWING TODAY Second story: President, Rock Star To Swap Wives >> The winning numbers For $130,000,000: 17-3-25-42-38-49 For $40,000: 3-6-17-18-22-29 >> Springfield Animal Hospital Signs reading ``Quiet. Hospital Zone.'' Two lions stand guard over the entrance. * One's arm is in a sling. * The other's head is bandaged. In the waiting room * Woman (Miss Winthrop?) with poodle. * Man with parakeet on head and dog on leash. * Man with armadillo on his lap. * Krusty with Mister Teeny, a cigar-smoking chimp. >> Books burning in the fireplace `The Lottery', Shirley Jackson's chilling tale of conformity gone mad `Fatherhood' by Bill Cosby `Fahrenheit 451', Ray Bradbury's novel about book burning `Canine Surgery' >> The poster Candidate photos: Homer kicking SLH's butt Homer strangling SLH SLH shortly thereafter holding Homer's arm in his front paws and biting SLH burying Homer in a colossal pile of dirt SLH and Homer boxing. SLH is on his hind legs. >> Lost Dog picture of SLH, with Homer's hands (preparing to strangle) at the edge of the photo. Phone KL5-3457 >> Brainwashing movie ``Freude, schoene Poodle whapped with a rolled-up newspaper. goetter- A water dish labeled `FIDO' is kicked. funken Atom bomb detonates. Tochter Kitty plays with yarn. aus The Hindenburg explodes. Elysium. Tank runs over a doghouse. Dog drinking out of toilet, toilet cover Wir comes down. (*thwunk*) betreten President Johnson lifts Fala by the ears. feuertrunken Fala reacts accordingly. himm-...'' =============================================================================== > Animation and continuity goofs =============================================================================== The lip synch is off during Bart's ``I'm going to find my dog!'' Any guesses as to what the line originally was? Theron Stanford {tws} points out that Burns' yard was surrounded by bushes in ``Bart vs. Thanksgiving'' [7f07] rather than a concrete wall. I guess he boosted his security arrangements after that pumpkin pie incident. The UFA gives the Simpsons' phone number was 555-8707. =============================================================================== > Comments and other observations =============================================================================== >> References >>> Previous episodes [7F14] ``Sniff that other dog's butt!'' Ned's Assassins. Playing frisbee with Bart. [8F03] ``Have you seen my body today?'' [8f07] ``Fatherhood'' by Bill Cosby >> Lottery odds For the odds to be 1 in 380,000,000, the lottery must be a ``6 from 83'' drawing, for which the exact odds are 1 in 377,477,148. =============================================================================== > Quotes and scene summary =============================================================================== % A ridiculous state lottery advertisement. Employee: I don't need your crummy job, Mr. Employer! I've won the lottery! Employer: Well, who needs employees? I won the lottery, too! [two window washers descend on a scaffold, each with a huge bag of cash (money overflowing) at his feet] Window washers: We both won the lottery! All: [to camera] Why don't you win the lottery, too! Announcer: The state lottery, where everybody wins! (actual odds of winning, one in 380,000,000.) -- Truth in advertising, ``Dog of Death'' % The gang at Moe's Tavern watch the commercial. Moe expresses his scorn. Bleah. The state lottery. Exploiter of the poor and ignorant. [turns on his neon sign: BEER IS THE ANSWER] -- Moe scoffs at a lottery advertisement, ``Dog of Death'' % But % the rest of the gang go berzerk when they hear that the payoff is $130 % million. They rush en masse to the Kwik-E-Mart, which is a madhouse. [on the phone] Bart, I need some lucky numbers, fast! How old are you? ... [jots it down] Uh huh. And what's your birthday? ... [jots it down] No kidding. And what's Lisa's birthday? ... What? You don't know your sister's birthday?? What kind of brother are you! -- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death'' Apu: Snap on your bulletproof vest, Sanjay, it's time for another bank run. Sanjay: All right. But if I don't make it, promise you won't sleep with my wife. Apu: I promise nothing. -- Read my lips, no lewd lapses, ``Dog of Death'' % At home... Homer: You'll never guess what happened, Marge. Are you ready? I have a feeling that we may win... the lottery!! Marge: But we never, ever... Homer: I know you're excited, but calm down and listen to me carefully... -- Brimming with excitement, ``Dog of Death'' % Homer wants Marge to get all her money, but Marge says the full extent % of her lottery involvement is one ticket a week with the girls at the % hair salon. They each play their birthday. During the discussion, a very % sick Santa's Little Helper wanders past. Marge: Homer, we're on a tight budget, here. Promise me you won't get carried away. Homer: Yes, money. ... I mean, honey. -- Homer catches lottery fever, ``Dog of Death'' % A news report on the lottery comes on the TV. (``Down in front!'' yells % Homer at SLH. SLH collapses.) Kent Brockman reports that every copy % of Shirley Jackson's ``The Lottery'' has been checked out of the library. % Nevermind that it has absolutely nothing to do with winning the lottery. % Homer angrily tosses his copy into the fireplace. Kent: But there's already one big winner: Our state school system, which gets fully half the profits from the library. Skinner: [talking with his teachers] Just think what we can buy with that money... History books that know how the Korean War came out. Math books that don't have that base six crap in them! And a state-of-the-art detention hall [holds up a scale model] where children are held in place with magnets. Teacher: [to no one in particular] Magnets. Always with the magnets... -- ``Dog of Death'' % Homer is convinced, having bought $50 worth of tickets, that he's going % to win the lottery. He asks the kids what they're going to do with % their share of the money. Bart'll put it in the bank. Lisa will give % it to the poor. (How socially responsible of her.) Homer scoffs, ``What % do kids know about spending money.'' Homer dreams another impossible % dream. I won't try to describe it. % % It's lottery time. Kent: We now take you to the [lottery] drawing, live. I hope you've got tickets. I've got mine. [at the police station, everyone's watching. The phone rings.] Eddie: They're about to start, Chief. Wiggum: [answers the phone] No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one....two. -- Lottery fever, ``Dog of Death'' % Krusty and Mel take time out from their show to watch the drawing. % % The first number is 17. Homer tears up his tickets. Marge note that % you can still win something for matching five of six. The second number % is 3. Homer tears up the tickets again. Grampa sighs, ``I knew we % wouldn't win.'' Homer scolds his father for keeping this information % to himself. If you were seventeen, we'd be rich! But nooooooooooo... You had to be ten. -- Homer scolds Bart, whose age he used to select his losing lottery numbers, ``Dog of Death'' % The final number is drawn, and Kent Brockman realizes he's won. He % celebrates, then regains his composure. ``Recapping our day's top story, % the winner of today's state lottery is... me, Kent Brockman. Can we get % a shot of me?'' A picture of Kent from a few seconds ago appears. % ``There we go.'' He sets his ticket aside and tries to continue with % the rest of the news, but he can't stand it any more and dashes off. % % Marge, always looking on the bright side, notes, ``At least we've still % got each other.'' Grampa announces that the dog is dead, and the family % rush over to find a limp SLH on the kitchen floor. % % [End of Act One. Time: 5:13] % % But the dog isn't dead. He's just very weak. Grampa refuses to admit % his mistake... I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else. I'm going home. -- Grampa Simpson, ``Dog of Death'' % The family take SLH to Springfield Animal Hospital, where the vet tries, % but fails, to resuscitate a hamster with electrical heart stimulation. % (The zapping appears to be doing more harm than good...) % Realizing that the patient is lost, he says, ``This is the part of the % job I hate.'' He takes the hamster and tosses it into a tiny basketball % hoop mounted over the waste basket. % % Next up is SLH, which he diagnoses with a twisted stomach. The life-saving % operation will cost $750. Homer says they'll talk about it as he carries % SLH out of the examining room. Bart constantly asks, ``What's there to % talk about?'' In the waiting room is Krusty with a cigar-smoking chimp. % ``Mister Teeny needs a refill of his nicotine gum.'' % % On the ride home, Bart asks when SLH is going to have his operation, but % Homer changes the subject... % doggie heaven. I want to tell you about the most wonderful place in the world: Doggie heaven. In doggie heaven, there are mountains of bones, and you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt! -- Homer talks to Bart when SLH falls ill, ``Dog of Death'' % Homer lists some dogs in doggie heaven. Bart: Is there a doggie hell? Homer: Well... Of course, there couldn't be a heaven if there weren't a hell. Bart: Who's in there? Homer: Oh, uh... Hitler's dog... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester... Lisa: [annoyed] Checkers. Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one! The one that mauled Jimmy! -- Are there pirates in doggie hell? ``Dog of Death'' % Bart asks, ``Wait a minute. Does this have anything to do with SLH?'' Marge: Honey, $750 is a lot of money. We really can't afford this operation. Bart: You're gonna just let him [SLH] die? Marge: I know you're upset... Bart: Darn right, I'm upset! Marge: Bart, watch your language! ... Oh, you did. Sorry. -- Save it for later, ``Dog of Death'' % Bart refuses to let them let SLH die. He leaves, grumbling, ``Lousy, % dog-killing, son-of-a...'' % % Homer figures they'll get Bart a new dog, ``one with an untwistable % stomach!'' SLH places his head in Homer's lap and whimpers pathetically. % Homer eventually gives in. ``Lousy, manipulative dog...'' % % Homer pays a visit to Mr. Burns's office and asks to borrow money. % Burns sort-of furtively summons security, who takes Homer away. Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns. Burns: Nonsense. Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say? Smithers: ... If did it, sir? -- A tough question, ``Dog of Death'' % Marge catches Homer reading a Canine Surgery book and tells him he will % not attempt the operation himself. Homer says it's as easy as carving % a turkey. He then flashes back to Thanksgiving dinner, as all the % guests shield their faces from the onslaught of lacerated turkey meat % flying from Homer's electric knife... He tosses the book into the % fireplace. % % The family are gathered around the dinner table. Marge says she found % a way for them to pay for the operation, but it'll entail sacrifices. % Homer will have to give up beer, Bart will have to get his hair cut for % free at Springfield Barber College, Marge will forego her weekly lottery % ticket as well as stretching the food money. Marge: I found a way to stretch the food budget. Fried chicken night will now be organ meat night. Ham night will be Spam night. And pork chop night... Homer: [whining, fearing the worst] Oh... Marge: ... will now be chub night. Homer: Chub!? I don't even know what that is! -- Neither do I, ``Dog of Death'' % Lisa won't be able to get volume 4 of Encyclopedia Generica from the % grocery store (Copernicus to Elephantiasis), and Maggie's baby clothes % will have to last a little longer. (Maggie makes a muscle and her % sleeve rips.) Marge, I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats! -- Homer's budget-saving plan, ``Dog of Death'' % The family wait in the animal hospital waiting room. % Mr. Danielson's game cock has been saved. % SLH goes under the knife. The EKG goes flat... % % SLH runs down a tunnel... ``Come to the light, boy...'' % SLH reaches the pearly gates, with its doggie door. Then retreats... % % SLH returns to the world of the living, thanks to mouth-to-mouth % resuscitation. % % A bandaged SLH is returned to the Simpsons. It's times like this I'm glad I flunked out of dental school. -- Veterinarian, ``Dog of Death'' % Two days later, it's ``lousy chub night''. Homer spots SLH's dinner dish. Homer: Hey, how come he [SLH] gets meat and we don't? Marge: You wouldn't want what he's eating. It's mostly just snouts and entrails. Homer: Mmmmmm... snouts... -- ``Dog of Death'' % Kent Brockman's news report is somehow different. Maybe it's the gold % jewelry he's wearing. Or the fur coat. Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy. Marge: What's that? Homer: [thinks] A dinosaur! -- ``Dog of Death'' % The next item is Principal Skinner receiving the lottery proceeds on % behalf of the school system. Springfield Elementary gets a brand new % chalkboard eraser. Skinner blows up, ``One eraser? Well, I'm used to % my government betraying me. I was in Nam. I served for three..'' % % Kent announces this week's numbers: 3, 6, 17, 18, 22 and 29. % Marge complains, ``If it wasn't for that dog, I would've won'' since % those are the numbers she normally plays every week. % % Maggie's clothes fall apart, leaving her naked on the couch. % % Ms. Hoover tells the class they have to write a report on Copernicus. % (Lisa slaps her forehead. ``D'oh!'') % % Homer sings at Moe's Tavern for spare change. % % Bart suffers a horrible haircut at the barber college. % % SLH goes to each family member in turn. Homer tells the dog to shove off. % Marge is busy mending Maggie's clothes (while they're still in her back). % Lisa is busy reading a ``third-rate biography of Copernicus'' she found % at the bus station. Bart just says, ``Dumb dog.'' SLH slinks away. % % In bed, Marge asks Homer if he closed the gate. ``Yes.'' We hear the % gate swinging in the wind. ``Oh, you mean .'' Homer calls, % ``Bart! Close the gate.'' Bart yells, ``Lisa, close the gate!'' Lisa % says, ``Close the gate, Maggie.'' Maggie lies in her crib, wearing a % Crown Royal pouch as her baggie. % % SLH wanders out the gate, takes one last look at the house of the family % that no longer loves him, and heads down the street. % % [End of Act Two. Time: 14:10] % % The family call for SLH from the lawn, but he doesn't come. % Homer: ``Wait, there he is! ... No, that's a horse...'' % (Isn't that illegal? [8f06]) % % To the strains of Peter's Theme from Peter and the Wolf, we trace SLH's % wanderings on a map. He goes down Springfield River, into the woods % (encountering a grizzly), through Swartzwelder County, rescues a baby % from a burning house, chases a cat, and reaches the Michael Jackson % Expressway, where he is picked up by the Springfield Dog Pound. % % Meanwhile, Marge is having trouble finding a picture of SLH in the % photo album that she's willing to let the public see. % % Ned finishes his recycling spiel to Burns, who sarcastically says he % can't wait to paw through his garbage. ``Release the hounds.'' Ned's % running shoes prove helpful. One of the hounds (``Crippler'') is old, % and Burns remembers the dog's hippie-nabbing during the sixties. % % Burns and Smithers look for a replacement at the dog pound, and they % find SLH (busy sniffing another dog's butt). Why here's a fellow. Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me... -- Monty Burns selects a new attack dog (SLH), ``Dog of Death'' % Meanwhile, Homer finishes posting a huge sequence of posters of SLH, % then walks away. The building he posted them on is demolished. % % SLH's first lesson as an attack dog: Neutralizing intruders. % Smithers is dressed as a girl scout (``Wanna buy some cookies?''), % but SLH just licks his face. If that were a real girl scout, I'd have been bothered by now! -- Burns scolds SLH, his new attack dog, ``Dog of Death'' % Lisa shows Barney a poster. I know how you feel. I lost my dog, too. He's in here somewhere... [a muffled whimper emerges from somewhere in his apartment] -- Barney can't help find SLH, ``Dog of Death'' % His eyelids propped open, SLH is forced to watch a movie. Another % sequence that defies description. % % The family are nearly resigned to having lost SLH forever. That was his dish... And that was his leash... And that's where he took a wizz on the rug... [sobs] -- Homer looks back on the days with Santa's Little Helper, ``Dog of Death'' Marge: Homer, get a hold of yourself. Even if he [SLH] passed on, there's no reason to cry. Remember, doggie heaven? Homer: Oh, Marge, there is no such place! Marge: Ahem. Homer: [spots the kids] Or... To put it another way... There ... -- Yes and no, ``Dog of Death'' Bart: I'm not giving up. I don't care if I have to knock on every door in this two-bit town. I'm going to find my dog! Homer: And I'll be right here watching TV. -- He'll be with you in spirit, maybe, ``Dog of Death'' % Meanwhile, Burns taunts SLH into attacking him. Success. % % A very tan Kent Brockman answers his door. Kent: [answering the door] Hello, I'm Kent Brockman. Bart: Um, excuse me, sir. I lost my dog. Kent: Mm hm. And I suppose you want me to buy you a new one, mm? You know, ever since I won the lottery, everybody wants a piece of Kent Brockman. Homeless this and hungry that... -- ``Dog of Death'' % Kent is called back in by his butler. ``Your llama just bit % Ted Kennedy.'' ``Good!'' % % Bart rings Burns' door. Burns is in one of those glass cases. Smithers: Um, I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir, but there's a sweet little boy at the door. Burns: Release the hounds. -- ``Dog of Death'' % The hounds are released, with SLH leading the pack. Bart recognizes % his dog, but the recognition isn't mutual. Bart runs for his life % and is cornered by SLH. SLH leaps (in slo-mo) at Bart, then (in % a doggie flashback) eventually recognizes his former master. % SLH growls at the other attack dogs, who scurry away. % % SLH is back in his loving home, being petted by everyone. % % As we pull back from the Simpsons house, the following subtitles appear... NO DOGS WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE. A CAT GOT SICK AND SOMEBODY SHOT A DUCK, BUT THAT'S IT. -- Watching cartoons is also dolphin-safe, ``Dog of Death'' % [End of Act Three. Time: 20:05] =============================================================================== Episode summaries Copyright 1992 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)

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