Bart Gets an F Written by David M. Stern Directed by David Silverman [$Id 7f03 1.4 920409

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Bart Gets an F Written by David M. Stern Directed by David Silverman =============================================================================== [$Id: 7f03 1.4 92/04/09 08:39:29 raymond Exp Locker: raymond $] =============================================================================== > Title sequence =============================================================================== Blackboard :- `I will not encourage others to fly'. Lisa's solo:- traditional Couch: :- The couch falls through the floor. =============================================================================== > Didja notice... =============================================================================== ... as Bart protested that they can't hold him back, Marge and Homer were... holding him back? ... the computerized desks in Bart's dream? ... that all the mothers in Springfield wear strapless dresses? ... Principal Skinner grabbing the still-cooly-dressed Martin as Bart celebrates passing the test? =============================================================================== > Movie References =============================================================================== + Gone With the Wind - `As God as my witness, I will pass fourth grade!' {hk} + Samuel Johnson - `Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.' Lisa changes the first word to `prayer'. {abw} (see below) Hallelujah Chorus from Messiah, Georg Friedrich Handel + How The Grinch Stole Christmas - everybody holding hands and singing The Bishop's Wife (Cary Grant) {?} =============================================================================== > Freeze Frame Fun =============================================================================== >> Video games Escape from Grandma's House Itchy and Scratchy Eat My Shorts >> Refrigerator door Lots of vocabulary tests on which Lisa got an `A' A blur ribbon labelled ``1st Place'' A crude drawing of a cat (Bart's) >> Singing and holding hands Chief Wiggum Krusty Reverend Lovejoy Mrs. Lovejoy Jacques Princess Cashmere Grampa Simpson Otto Bleeding Gums Murphy and Lisa (playing sax) Sideshow Mel Jasper Cowboy Bob Marge Homer Maggie, SLH and Snowball II (Maggie wobbles, but SLH catches her before she falls) Apu Patty and Selma ride past in a sleigh =============================================================================== > Comments and other observations =============================================================================== >> Lisa's Quote Al Wesolowsky {abw} reports: Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. -- Samuel Johnson (1709-1884) The quotation is dated 7 Apr 1775 and appears on p. 348 of vol. ii of Boswell's `Life of Johnson' (I.F Powell's revision of G.B. Hill's editon). Jym Dyer {jd} adds: Ambrose Bierce, author of `The Devil's Dictionary', adds a bit more: I beg to submit that it is the first. >> Trailers Bart's prayer scene was used in a FOX advertisement before the season started. The scene was redubbed so that Bart said, ``Dear God, please make more people watch us on Thursdays at 8. Especially women in the 18 to 35 age group.'' (Or something like that.) >> Maggie falls 1 Getting off the couch after watching Itchy and Scratchy 1 When Bart calls Milhouse 1 When the radio announces that SNPP is closed >> Miscellaneous One guess how John Hancock was writing his name in the snow. =============================================================================== > Quotes and scene summary =============================================================================== % Springfield Elementary School. Martin completes his book report, titled % ``An Afternoon With Ernest Hemingway: Reflections by Martin'', complete % with beard and fishing pole props. Ms. Krabappel gushes in admiration. % Bart slips a packet on Martin's seat. ``A little ketchup for your buns, % Papa?'' (*splort*) Next up is Bart. Fellow students, prepare to be dazzled! [walks to the front of the room] Well, as Mrs. Krabappel already mentioned, the name of the book that I read is . It's about these... [describing the book jacket] pirates... with patches over their eyes... and... shiny gold teeth... and green birds on their shoulders... [pause] Did I mention this book was written by a guy named Robert Lewis Stevenson? And published by the good people at McGraw Hill. So, in conclusion, on the Simpson scale of one to ten, ten being the highest, one being the lowest, and five being average, I give this book... a nine. Any questions? [hands go up] Nope? Then I'll just sit down. -- Bart's book report, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Ms. Krabappel asks Bart if he actually read the book. Mrs. Krabappel, I am insulted. Is this a book report or a witch hunt? -- Bart takes offence when Mrs.K accuses him of not reading the book he is doing a report on, ``Bart Gets an F'' % She challenges him to tell the class the name of the pirate. % Bart thinks frantically to himself... ``Blackbeard... Captain Nemo... % Captain Hook... Long John Silver... Pegleg Pete... Bluebeard...'' % He guesses Bluebeard. He guesses wrong. % % After class... I will not fake my way through life. -- Bart's blackboard punishment, ``Bart Gets an F'' Ms.K: Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Are you aware that there is a major exam tomorrow on colonial America? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Blah blah, blah-blah. Blah blah blah blah blah? Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Blah blah. Blah-blah blah, blah blah blah. Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Bart! You haven't been paying attention to a word I said, have you. Bart: Yes, ma'am. Ms.K: Well, then what did I say? Bart: Uhhhhhh... Straighten up and fly right? Ms.K: Pah! That was a lucky guess. -- Yes, ma'am, ``Bart Gets an F'' % At the Noiseland Video Arcade, Bart plays (and loses) ``Escape from Grandma's % House''. Bart resolves, ``A couple more games, then I'll hit the books.'' % He goes to the change machine and changes a $10 bill. % % Bart (sipping a soda), Lisa and Maggie watch Itchy and Scratchy. The episode % has a French Revolutionary theme. Marge calls the family to dinner. Homer % rushes in before the icky skin forms on the soup. Bart resolves, ``Right % after dinner, it's down to business.'' % % At dinner... Homer: Marge, could you get me another beer, please. Marge: Just a second, Homer. Lisa has some good news. Lisa: He doesn't care, Mom. Homer: Sure I do! I just want to have a beer while I'm caring. -- It's like walking and chewing gum, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Lisa got an A on her vocabulary test. Homer proudly tapes the test to the % refrigerator, among the other vocabulary tests on the door, covering a crude % drawing labelled ``Cat'', drawn by Bart. Homer decides pick up that beer % while he's there. % % Homer remembers that it's Big Gorilla Week on Million Dollar Movie. Bart % tries to go study, but Homer yanks him into the living room. Homer and % Bart watch ``Gorilla the Conqueror'' together. ``Oh, well, maybe just % one more hour.'' The movie ends with the gorilla, in a cage, set adrift % at sea. Homer sobs, ``It's so unfair... Just because he's different.'' % Bart leaves for his room to study. % % Bart enthusiastically cracks open his history book. He tries reading % but dozes off. Homer: Pssst. Marge, come take a look at this. [Bart has fallen asleep at his desk] Marge: Oh... the little tiger tries so hard. Why does he keep failing? Homer: Just a little dim, I guess. -- Like father, like son, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Homer and Marge put Bart to bed. % % Bart wakes up the next morning. ``Uh-oh.'' % % Bart takes an open textbook on the bus... Bart: [reading his history book while boarding the bus] Otto: Hey, Bart-dude! Whoa, you little freaked! [?] Bart: Hey, Otto. I got a big test today I am ready for. Could you please crash the bus or something? Otto: Oh, ho, sorry, little buddy. Can't do it on purpose. But, hey! Maybe you'll get lucky! -- ``Bart Gets an F'' % Bart decides to find a seat next to an egghead, pump him for some answers, % and ``boom, back on Easy Street''. He selects Sherry and Terry. But % they see him coming and have a surprise in store. Bart: Good morning, girls! Sherry+Terry: Good morning, Bart! Bart: Say... Who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat? Sherry: The Spirit of St. Louis. Bart: [taking notes] And where'd they land? Terry: Sunny Acapulco. Bart: And why'd they leave England? Sherry: Giant rats. Bart: Cool! History's coming alive! -- ``Bart Gets an F'' % The girls giggle. Martin overhears the conversation. % % As Bart gets off the bus, Martin (though he's not sure why he's doing it) % warns Bart that the answers the girls gave him were wrong. ``A blindfolded % chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test % than you do.'' % % In class... Ms.K: All right, class, take one and pass the rest back. [hands out exams] Bart: [to himself] Think, Simpson, think. Crisis brings out the best in you. [convulses and collapses on the floor, moaning] Ms.K: Ugh. What is it, Bart. Bart: [climbing back to his seat] Nothing... Must... take... test... [falls back to the floor] -- Bart the Thespian, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Bart leaves the classroom clutching his stomach. He dances through the % hallway, then resumes his histrionics when he reaches the nurse's office. % The nurse is on the floor picking up a dropped jar of tongue depressors. Nurse: [concerned] What's the matter, son? Bart: [clutching his stomach] Sharp, stabbing pains... in my stomach. Nurse: Oh dear, I've heard of this... [consults a medical reference book, opens to the page ``Amoria Phlebitis''] Do you feel a shooting pain in your arm? Bart: [waving his arms] Both of them. Nurse: Temporary loss of vision? Bart: [blindly] Huh? Who said that? Come closer... -- Live from the Improv, ``Bart Gets an F'' % In his bed, Bart finishes another bowl and rings a bell. Marge comes in, % and Bart asks for another dish of double-cappuchino chocolate-fudge. Marge % is pleased that Bart seems to be recovering, since this is his third bowl. % Marge asks if there's anything else, and Bart asks for the TV set. % Marge calls downstairs to Homer (who is watching a gorilla movie), % ``Bring the television up. Bart's got his vision back!'' I wish had Amoria Phlebitis... -- Homer, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Lisa and Maggie join Bart. Lisa says, ``Everyone knows you're faking it, % Bart.'' Bart responds, ``Well, everyone better keep their mouth shut.'' % Bart calls Milhouse to get the answers to the exam. % % Bart breezes through the exam. Ms. Krabappel grades it on the spot. % ``This test is worse than Milhouse's exam!'' This is the final straw. % % Homer and Marge join Bart in the classroom. Mrs.K: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I think you know our district psychiatrist Dr. J. Loren Pryor. Homer: Hey, Dr. J. Dr.J.: [ahem] I think we have on our hands here a classic case of what laymen refer to as fear of failure. As a result Bart is an underachiever and yet he seems to be... How shall I put this... proud of it? Homer: Hmmm. Dr.J.: One of his problems may be his short attention span which can lead to blah blah blah blah... Homer: Uh-huh. Dr.J.: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah... Homer: Mmmm... -- Bart is close to failing fourth grade, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Unlike the other students in the class, Bart has not shown any improvement % over the semester. Indeed, his grades have gotten worse. Bart cracks. % ``Okay, okay! Why are we dancing around the obvious? I know it, you know % it. I am , okay? Dumb as a post! Think I'm happy about it?'' % Dr. Pryor reluctantly recommends that Bart be held back. Bart protest, % but Marge suggests it might not be so bad. Bart continues his protests. Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? -- Bart learns he might be held back a grade, ``Bart Gets an F'' As God as my witness, I can pass the fourth grade! -- Bart, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Adds Homer, ``And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the % other kids.'' % % [End of Act One. Time: 9:33] (Wow, a long one.) Otto: Get off the bus or forever hold your peace, little dudes! Bart: Otto, you know I respect you. I mean, you always let us throw stuff at cars and try to tip the bus on sharp turns. Otto: Heh, damn thing nevers goes over, does it? [unintelligible `ga-hah' noise] So what's in your head little man? Bart: Well, I've been failing a lot of tests recently. Otto: Yeah huh... Bart: And, now they're talking about holding me back in the fourth grade if I don't shape up. Otto: That's it? Hey, relax, man! It could end up being the best thing that ever happened to ya. I got held back in the fourth grade myself, twice! Look at me, man! Now I the school bus! -- ``Bart Gets an F'' % Bart trudges into school. % % In class, the phrase ``repeat the fourth grade'' echos through Bart's head % as he slips into a daydream. An elderly Ms. Krabappel asks an adult Bart, % ``What was the pirate's name in ?'' Bart responds, ``Look, % lady. I got a peptic ulcer, my wife's hocking me for a new car, and I need % a root canal. Willya quit buggin' me about the stupid pirate!'' Bart, Jr. % whispers the answer to his father, but Ms. Krabappel catches him and asks % to see them both after class. % % Bart wakes up when a baseball bounces off his forehead. The ball rolls % over near Martin, who is seated under a tree reading. When Martin throws % the ball like a girl, the other kids laugh. Martin returns to the % forecastle of the Pequod. Bart gets an idea. He asks Martin to help him % pass. Bart: I can make it so the other kids don't laugh at you so much. Martin: They... laugh at me? I've always considered myself rather popular. Bart: You're not. Watch. [pushes Martin down, crowd laughs] Martin: But... but my speed with numbers... [Bart helps Martin to his feet] my years of service as a hall monitor, my prize-winning dioramas? These things mean nothing to them? Bart: Perhaps another demonstration. [pushes him down again, more laughs] -- ``Bart Gets an F'' % Martin gets the point. Asks Bart, ``Then it's Adil?'' Martin agrees. % % First order of business is to inspect Bart's study area. Bart shows Martin % to his room. ``There's a desk under that junk over there.'' Martin says % the room must be cleaned, and some ferns added. No study area is complete without adequate plant life. -- Martin, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Bart and Martin get on the school bus. Martin: [takes a seat at the front of the bus] Bart: No! Martin: No? Bart: Only geeks sit in the front seat. From now on, you sit in the back row. And that's just on the bus, it goes for school and church, too. Martin: Why? Bart [mezzo voce] So no one can see what you're doing! Martin: Ooooh.. I think I understand... [grabs pencil, starts writing] the potential for mischief varies inversely with one's proximity to the authority figure! [Shows his equation to Bart: M \propto 1/P] Bart: Well, yeah, but don't say it like that... -- Bart helps Martin shed his poindexter image, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Bart pops a wheelie on his bicycle. He then removes the basket from % Martin's bicycle, and Martin rides out of frame. (*crash*) % % Martin adds a fern to Bart's shiny-clean room. % % Bart teaches Martin how to shoot a slingshot, but the rubber band snaps % back in Martin's face. % % Martin and Bart sit under a tree, reading a comic book and a history % book, respectively. Inside Bart's book is a comic book; inside Martin's % comic book is a textbook. Each looks at the other's book. % % Bart finishes a ``Duh!'' graffito and hands the spray can to Martin. % Martin produces an elegant mural of Ms. Krabappel at her desk. Bart % slaps his forehead. % % Bart teaches Martin how to make funny faces. % % Martin watches while Bart reads a book, highlighter pen in hand. Pretty soon, you will be able to try it with a book! -- Martin watches Bart with a highlighter pen and a `book', ``Bart Gets an F'' % Milhouse, Lewis, Richard, Bart and Martin stop for breath after pulling % some unseen prank. Who would have ever thought that pushing a boy into the girl's lavatory could be such a thrill! The screams! The humiliation! The fact that it wasn't me! -- Martin joins Bart and friends, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Bart reminds Martin about the history test, but Martin is too busy % having fun. ``Life's too short for tests!'' Bart leads the other % boys (except for Bart) to the arcade. % % In his room, Bart doodles in his textbook. Marge pops in and reminds % Bart that it's past his bedtime. Bart reluctantly closes the book. % ``This is hopeless.'' Bart: [praying] Well, old timer, I guess this is the end of the road. I know I haven't always been a good kid, but, if I have to go to school tomorrow, I'll fail the test and be held back. I just need one more day to study, Lord. I need Your help! Lisa: [watching] Prayer... the last refuge of a scoundrel. Bart: A teachers strike, a power failure, a blizzard... Anything that'll cancel school tomorrow. I know it's asking a lot, but if anyone can do it, You can! Thanking You in advance, Your pal, Bart Simpson. -- ``Bart Gets an F'' % Bart turns off the light. Outside, snow begins to fall. A chorus sings % ``Hallelujah!'' % % [End of Act Two. Time: 15:00] % % Marge wakes Bart, who dreads the day. But Marge shows him the snow outside, % and Bart yells, ``Good morning, world!'' He takes the banister express % downstairs and joins the rest of the family listening intently to the radio. % Homer celebrates the closing of the nuclear power plant. Next, the school % closings. And yes, Springfield County schools are closed. % % Kids rush out of their houses to enjoy the snow, followed futility by % their respective mothers being motherly. Bart: [running towards door with sled; goggles on head] Cowabunga! Marge: Remember to take a break if your arms go numb! Bart: [rushes for the front door. Lisa's ominous shadow blocks the way] Hey! Lisa: I heard you last night, Bart. You prayed for this. Now your prayers have been answered. I'm no theologian; I don't know who or what God is exactly, all I know is He's a force more powerful than Mom and Dad put together, and you owe Him big. [shuts the door] Bart: You're right. [removes goggles, hands them to Lisa] I asked for a miracle, and I got it. I gotta study, man! [goes upstairs to his room] I'm not missing anything... frozen earlobes, trudging up that stupid sledhill over and over again... How good could it be? [looks out window...] -- ``Bart Gets an F'' % Outside, kids have a snowball fight. Milhouse takes a ride on a sled. % Kids build a snow fort. Marge takes the girls out ice skating. % Also on the ice are Ms. Krabappel and Principal Skinner, playing % hockey. Says Ms. K, ``I haven't had this much fun in years!'' % Monty Burns walks past in period clothes, and a stray snowball knocks % off his top hat. Homer chuckles from behind a wall. Monty is a good % sport about it. Burns: I was never one to back away from a snowball fight! Smithers, you may fire at will! Smithers: Certainly, sir. -- Snow Day, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Smithers pegs Homer in the noggin. % % A band plays. Diamond Joe Quimby speaks. I hereby declare this day to be Snow Day, the funnest day in the history of Springfield! -- Diamond Joe Quimby, ``Bart Gets an F'' % People hold hands and sing carols. % % Bart peels his face away from the window and goes into the basement. % He reads about the First Continental Congress. Bart envisions himself % seated among the delegates. Th. Jefferson: We hold these truths to be self-evident... Bart: [to himself] We hold these truths to be self-evident... We hold these truths to be self-evident... Th. Jefferson: That all men are created equal. Bart: [to himself] That all men are created equal... Th. Jefferson: And from that equal creation they derive rights inherent and inalienable... Delegate: [glances out the window, points] Hey, look, everybody! It's snowing! Delegate: In the middle of July? Al. Hamilton: It's a miracle! Ben Franklin: [comes in, shakes snow off his wig] I've invented something fun! The sled! [all the delegates (except Bart) rush outside to play] Delegate: [o.s.] Hey, look everybody! John Hancock's writing his name in the snow! -- Trying to study during a snow day, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Bart shuts the textbook in horror. He stares at his chewed pencil. You wanna be held back a grade? Concentrate, man! -- Bart, slapping himself, trying to study, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Through the cellar window, the rest of the family watch Bart slap himself. % % (*slap*) Bart slaps himself in class after the exam is over. Martin % calmly turns in his test, dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and wearing shades. % Bart answers the final few questions as Ms. Krabappel asks him to turn % in his exam. She pulls out `Old Red'' and grades the exam as Bart watches % sadly, cringing at every X-mark. Bart got a 59, another F. Bart can't % believe it. Neither can Ms. Krabappel. ``Another year together. Ugh, % it's going to be hell.'' Bart stares at his exam and cries. Ms. Krabappel % doesn't understand, ``I figure you'd be used to failing by now.'' Bart % explains that he really tried this time, but it was no use. Ms. Krabappel % tries to reasssure him, ``Well, a 59 is a F...'' Bart complains, % ``Now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity % to the French in 1754!'' Ms. Krabappel is shocked. She looks up the % reference and announces, ``My God, Bart, you're right!'' She rewards % him with an extra point on his exam, bringing him up to a D-. Bart: I... passed? Ms.K: Just barely! Bart: Gasp! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! [crying tears of joy] All right! [kisses Ms. Krabappel and dances out of the classroom] I passed, I passed, I passed, I passed! I got a D-! I passed! [showing off his exam to anyone and everyone] I got a D-! I passed! I got a D-! I passed! I passed! I... ... ... kissed the teacher! Yuck! Ptuu! Ick! -- Bart rejoices when he passes his test, ``Bart Gets an F'' % Homer tapes Bart's test on the refrigerator. Homer: We're proud of you, boy! Bart: Thanks Dad. But part of this D minus belongs to God... -- Posting Bart's test on the refrigerator, ``Bart Gets an F'' % [End of Act Three. Time: 20:46] =============================================================================== Episode summaries Copyright 1991 by Raymond Chen. Not to be redistributed in a public forum without permission. (The quotes themselves, of course, remain the property of The Simpsons, and the reproduced articles remain the property of the original authors. I'm just taking credit for the compilation.)

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